Chapter Thirty Eight
Rikku woke with a small noise. As she stretched her sore body out she couldn't help the smile that settled on her lips.
It was Christmas morning.
If she strained her ears enough she could hear the soft landing of the tiny snowflakes outside her window. She could just feel the magic of the day tickle her nose and bring her back to many a Christmas mornings where she'd jump out of bed, wake her brother, and then race to the tree. Rikku sighed contently. Soon though vivid images of how she really spent Christmas morning came into focus and the blonde blushed lightly before she turned her head to see Paine sleeping in her quiet way, no snoring this time. Just quiet.
Rikku did her best thinking in the morning like this. During the semester if Paine slept over and didn't have an early class Rikku woke first to the comfort of knowing her person wasn't very far. She felt safe to be scared, or anxious, or excited in her thoughts with Paine lying beside her.
Rikku knew her silver haired girlfriend hated feeling vulnerable, she knew it made her nervous and scared, backed up against the wall maybe even inadequate, if only she could take some of that away from Paine, at least for a night, and that's what the night had been about… mostly. It was hot too, superdeeduperdee hot.
Paine exhaled quietly in her sleep and then returned to her quiet.
An hour had passed with Rikku just lying awake and thinking. She thought about Paine mostly, about her brother, about the tiff with Gippal, about Yuna and Tidus and little D'Autry, she even thought about the upcoming semester, how it was her last real one before she had to decide on something to do with her life. She had her own anxieties about the future; Paine wasn't the only one looking to move on and out. Being financially independent from her father was a real nice thought, but Rikku knew the actuality would be hard on her. She wasn't going to lie to herself; she pretty much got whatever she wanted within reason. She was luckier than a lot of people. Being with Paine had definitely taught her a thing or two about struggling; it had also taught her a thing or two about this simplistic happiness in not being burdened or stifled by so many things. She read somewhere that monks in Baaj only carried around eight things including clothing. After emptying her purse she realized that she had about twelve things in the front pocket alone.
The bottom line was that she felt heavy.
Weighed down
It was still relatively early when she heard her father shuffle down the hall. A brief flush came to Rikku's face; Paine knew how to please, and the thought alone of her moaning like she was last night with her father right down the hall made Rikku blush even deeper. She put a hand to her face and scooted out of bed and slipped back into her pajamas before disappearing into her bathroom, when she returned from her shower she found Paine in the same place as before except now she sported the smallest nose bleed. Rikku sighed and reached over to "Paine's nightstand" and grabbed a tissue from the box she placed there at the beginning of the cold season, Paine's nose bleeds happened a lot in the winter Rikku was noticing. She folded the tissue and lightly wiped at Paine's nose causing the woman on the bed to stir awake.
Paine sniffled and opened her eyes when she felt something blocking the air way. Rikku wordlessly handed her the tissue and Paine wiped her nose again. She sat up to make sure nothing got on the pillow before looking over at Rikku. "I had a dream." She announced.
Rikku stopped what she was doing and looked at Paine. "Really?" Paine never dreamt, or if she did she didn't talk about what she dreamt about. It was usually Rikku who had the crazy dreams that she couldn't keep to herself.
Paine nodded.
"About?" Rikku asked getting onto the bed.
Paine pulled the blanket closer to herself. "When I was little…" She shrugged and then looked at the floral designs on Rikku's bedspread. "I was living with this family for Christmas one year…. They got me a sphere camera; you know the real old ones?" Paine made a box with her hands. "They gave you the picture right away?"
Rikku nodded. "Yeah."
"A red one I think…" Paine nodded. "I took a picture of myself once, put it in a coloring book and colored longer hair or shorter hair on me, it looked horrible I think I was seven…but I imagined that my parents looked exactly like me just y'know, older."
Rikku smiled a little. Paine never opened up about her childhood ever. It was just something she never talked about, and Rikku could imagine why, but it was nice to hear little tid-bits every now and then. "You had long hair at seven?" She was trying to picture Paine as a little girl.
Paine nodded. "A single braid or like a pony tail." She ran her hand through her hair. "Gippal cut it off for me a year later."
"Why don't you give him a call today?" Rikku nudged softly.
Paine shook her head no. "He's going to visit his mom today."
"Oh…"
Paine wiped at her nose again. "I guess it was more of a memory than a dream."
"Memories are nice, but that's all they are."
Paine nodded at how true the old Al Bhed maxim was. "I have to make a list."
"Of what?"
"All the things I want to say...to her." Pane nodded to herself again. "Martha would tell me something like that."
Rikku turned to find a piece of paper and then a pen. "You come down when you're ready." She handed over the pen and paper and kissed Paine on the cheek. She was so proud of her. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Ri." Paine answered as she watched Rikku get off the bed and gather a few things before heading downstairs. Paine sighed and began writing.
##
"Kid! Merry Christmas!" Paine tensed as Cid hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. Braska wasn't far behind.
"Ah, excuse me Cid, my client needs to have her own personal space."
Rikku couldn't stop laughing and squeezed her way between the two men to pull Paine away. "They're drunk." She explained as she motioned to the kitchen.
"Your father just kissed me…"
Rikku giggled. "I know, before I got to, what's up with that?" The house was loud. Between the Al Bhed Christmas music playing over the speakers and the laughter of Cid and Braska the once still home seemed alive. "Kisses." Rikku pointed to her lips and Paine leaned down and kissed her for the morning. "Morning."
"Morning Rikks." Paine let up a small smile. "You look nice."
Rikku smiled. She was wearing a casual brown dress with long sleeves that were rolled up and a few silver bangles on her right hand and her usual small silver ring. Her hair was up and out of the way which also showed off the small pearl earrings she was wearing. "Thank you." Paine smiled even more at the blondes blush. "You look… like you always do."
Paine chuckled and looked down at her shorts and shirt combo. "I just came down to get something to eat."
Rikku nodded. "You're not done up there?"
Paine ran a hand through her hair. "Well I thought I was… and then it just got hard, so I took a break… I'm pretty much done I guess. There isn't anything else I can write y'know?"
Rikku nodded. "Well have some food, Yunie and Tidus will be here in like two hours. Will you be ready by then…..Ready as in dressed?"
"Yeah." Paine already knew the routine from Harvest. The morning was spent relaxing, and then everyone dressed up a little for dinner. "I'm assuming you want me to wear that dress." Paine made a face.
Rikku brightened up. "You saw my sticky notes?"
"Uhuh, all seven of them."
"Well I wasn't sure where you would go first so… Yes wear it, it's pretty."
"No." Paine said easily.
"Just no? Just like that?"
"I don't want to."
Rikku sighed. "Can we compromise here?"
Paine opened the fridge. "I'll wear a skirt."
"Deal, Will you iron it?"
Paine sighed dramatically. "Fine."
Rikku clapped her hands together and motioned to the kitchen counter where various containers of different sizes with aluminum foil lids sat. It was hard to believe that she and Yuna had cooked so much on their own. "Eat something and then I'll meet you upstairs."
Paine nodded and then pulled out a plastic jug in the fridge. "What's this?" She shook it lightly. "Eggnog?"
"Ew, Pypo no. We don't do eggnog in this house. It's Punchacreme, it's like eggnog on drugs…or just rum. Al Bhed rum, lime zest, vanilla, nutmeg… it's way better than eggnog."
"You had me at rum." Paine put it back in the fridge. "I don't think I'll be drinking for a little while."
Rikku walked over to her and looked into the fridge with Paine as she rubbed her back. "Well good."
"Are you?"
"I may have a few cups. It's tradition."
Paine nodded and then motioned to the den where she could hear Braska and Cid going on about something. "Them?"
"They've been up polishing off a jug, there were two in here this morning."
"Jeez."
"They pass out before lunch and wake up as sober as a baby chocobo and get dressed so let them have fun, their old anyway." Paine nodded. "Are you okay?" Rikku ventured. Paine did a shrug and closed the fridge. "Hm?" Rikku pushed and still all she got was a little grunt. "Pai—"
"No!"
Rikku raised both her eyebrows in surprise.
Paine sighed and tried to calm down. "Sorry babe… no, I'm just…no okay?"
Rikku nodded. "Alright."
"I'm just gonna go change now." Paine said leaving the kitchen without anything to eat. Rikku sighed to herself. She never ever could tell with Paine these days. You would think she could by now, you would think she could just know, but she didn't, and that in itself was frustrating for the both of them.
##
Rikku stared at her reflection before reaching for her foundation. "If you don't want to be here…"
"I'm here."
"But no you're not."
"What does it look like? I'm standing right here." Paine adjusted her blouse. "In a fucking skirt and heels for you."
"Alright well I'm saying if that's not what you want—"
"It isn't, but it's what you want right?"
"You're being so manipulative right now, Pai. All I'm saying is that you don't have to be here, you knew I would be okay with it, you knew I would understand." She tilted her head and applied just a touch more before capping the lid and reaching for a little blush.
Paine smoothed out her black skirt with her hands. "And then what? Be the kind of girlfriend who doesn't come to Christmas because she's not talking to her long lost half sister. I'm not that person and no, you are just saying you'd be okay with it, when in reality you'd bug me all year until next Christmas."
"You talk about me as if I bug you all the time, you know how many things I let go because I know you're in a rough place right now?"
"Enlighten me."
Rikku fluffed her hair and then looked at Paine in the mirror beside her. "Toothpaste in the sink… Again."
Paine rolled her eyes. "That's it?"
"You haven't been in any of the conversations we've had that don't pertain to your situation."
"I'm standing right fucking here!" Paine reached for her gel.
"Yeah but Paine you're not really! And there is nothing wrong with that."
"So what the fuck?"
Rikku growled in frustration. "You don't have to be here if you don't want to be here is what I'm saying, Kuut kneav, yna oui ajah mecdahehk du sa?"
Paine put down her comb. "And I'm saying that I'm here, I may look like I could care less who got what and how well cooked the roast is and I'm sorry, this is just how my face is going to look, but it doesn't at all mean that I don't want to be here with you okay? Fuck, just leave it alone already."
"You're face looks like you want to hit someone…"
"I do."
"So I can't exactly just ignore that." Rikku went back to applying her blush.
Paine sighed heavily and motioned to her outfit. "Do I look okay?"
"And you still haven't told me where this grave is." Rikku turned and fixed Paine's collar and unbuttoned her first button on her white blouse before going back to looking at herself in the mirror.
"Fuck the grave."
"And you blatantly ignored my request for a cussless Christmas."
Paine laughed a little. "Cussless?"
"It's a word."
"It isn't."
"Well of course you wouldn't know it, potty mouth."
Paine folded her arms. "I specifically remembered you cursing last night… past twelve." Rikku rolled her eyes. "Vilg pypo taaban." Paine mimicked Rikku's moan in almost perfect Al Bhed.
Rikku turned around and narrowed her eyes at her girlfriend. "Of course you would know how to say that in Al Bhed."
"If I didn't before I learned last night." Paine grinned now and wrapped her arms around Rikku's waist.
Rikku pushed at her arms. "Stop you're being a meanie to me right now; I don't want any hugs or kisses from you, Paine Kerrigan."
Paine held her closer as Rikku squirmed. "None?" She leaned in and placed a few kisses onto Rikku's face as the blonde moved around to deflect them.
"No, cause you're being mean."
"I'm not being mean, baby." Paine slackened her arms around Rikku. "I don't know what you want from me right now."
"That's just it, I don't want anything. You have to figure out you, and I'm sorry if you felt pushed to come here."
"You bought me a stocking." Paine mumbled.
"And I realize now that maybe it wasn't the best idea."
"What would I be doing right now?"
"Probably being depressed somewhere."
"Exactly. Even though you make me do crap that I don't want to do I think you know that it's good for me."
"Paine." Rikku sighed and pushed at her arms.
Paine let go of her. "The only reason I'm here is for you, so tell me honestly if you want me to leave and I will."
"I don't want to be like Lulu or anyone else and just push you into things. Be honest with me, are you ready to confront her, because that's what is going to happen if you stay. She called me and everything to say that she was in fact coming to dinner so you decide. This isn't on me."
Paine sighed heavily. "What about everyon—"
"Forget them; you have to do what's best for you." She went back to opening her mascara.
"I'm already dressed."
"Your clothes are right over there." Rikku motioned to her bed.
Paine sighed again and watched as Rikku went back to getting ready in the mirror. "It's the same color…"
Rikku stopped and looked back at her. "What is?"
"The toothpaste and the sink… They're the same color; white."
Rikku shook her head yet smiled when Paine wrapped her arms around her in a sideways hug and kissed her cheek before leaving to get changed again. "I love you too. Pypo." She answered Paine's whisper with her own.
##
Gippal burst into the apartment late that night. "Fucking idiots don't know how to cook shrimp, every one of them is fired, fucking fired." He mumbled to himself as he shrugged out of his winter coat and flipped his boots off his feet. He paused when he noticed Paine sitting in the living room watching TV with her feet up and a bowl of spiced roasted almonds on her lap, and a tall glass of eggnog. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He grumbled as he walked by the living room and into the kitchen.
"Last time I checked I was still paying rent."
"Barely." Gippal went into the fridge and pushed aside the old takeout food containers and Tupperware in search of the eggnog Paine was drinking.
Paine shrugged to herself. "Whatever."
"Where's Princess?"
"Don't call her that."
"Fuck you, I can say whatever I want when I want." Gippal walked over to the living room and grabbed the carton of the rich holiday beverage before boring himself the rest.
"Yeah sure help yourself."
"Whatever."
"You act like you don't care about me." Paine said out of nowhere while Gippal was on his way to his room. "You act like it's my privilege to be your friend."
"Well you made it very clear last time we talked that you didn't need jealous me as a friend, Paine." He said without turning around to face her.
"I was upset, and I'm…. Sorry." Paine shook her head at herself. Christ almighty was that hard to say, especially when she meant everything she said to Gippal.
"Save your apologies."
"For who?"
"Someone who deserves them." Gippal left it at that and Paine was surprisingly happy with it. She knew Gippal, they had been friends since the age of seven. She knew that if he were in an angry rage she'd probably get an earful, but he wasn't, he didn't even come out of his room for the rest of the night. They were by no means okay or even friends still, but he was just feeling bad, and so was Paine. She knew that she had to say something first. Gippal was as stubborn as a wall, and usually Paine was too, but right now Paine couldn't be. She was just in a place where everything was open to change, even her relationship with her best friend, and if it didn't well then Rikku was right about one thing in particular. She was changing and he was not. At some point she had to realize what was helping her and what was holding her back, she just hoped that Gippal wasn't holding her back from anything because before everyone, it was the two of them fighting the crazy world that they had been put into by people who didn't want them.
Paine downed the rest of her eggnog and threw out the rest of the almonds after watching the third re-run of that annoyingly cute Christmas story on TV. She stretched herself out and decided that it was way too cold to fall asleep in the living room. They had all agreed to cut off the heater this winter since no one was ever around and it was like a leach when it was on.
Paine picked up her cell phone and went to the empty upstairs. She entered her room and turned on the space heater before going about stripping down to her underwear and getting into a bed that felt cool and damp like pastry dough. Paine sighed as she waited for the room to heat up. Beside her on her nightstand sat the picture frame of her and Rikku she got for Christmas. Paine wondered how in the world she had stumbled upon the blonde. She wondered where they were going, what was in store for them, how the Christmas dinner had went, why she agreed to wake up so early and go to yoga with the cousins and Tidus. She wondered about her mother… what she was doing, who she spent her Christmas with, was she alone or was she married? Did Paine have more half siblings running around? Paine took a steady breath and tired to clear her mind. Sleep soon came after
Paine was lying in bed the next morning bundled up in her warm blankets in thought. She didn't feel like getting up because unlike Rikku's well insulated house her own had creaking cold floors and even colder bathrooms. No Paine was fine just lying in bed for a little while. She shot Rikku a text that she wasn't going to yoga and turned to curl herself up. Paine sighed when her phone began to ring. "Ri, I just don't feel like going." She picked up the phone saying.
"It's gonna be fun." Rikku sing songed in a sleepy voice of her own.
"I don't feel like having fun."
"You're such a wet blanket."
"Oh yea? Well you're such a dry one. I'm hanging up okay?"
"Wait wait wait, Can I take you to see Martha today? I'll drop you off and everything and then I have to do some shopping so by the time I'm done I could come and get you and I can fill you in on how dinner went down since you're not coming to yoga."
"….Fine."
"When is your appointment?"
"12-1, though I'm pretty sure I'll run over."
"I'll come by around 11."
Paine groaned. "So I have to clean my room?" She really didn't have much to clean, maybe just sorting her laundry, but it was just the thought of having to get out of bed that bothered Paine. It was just too cold.
Rikku chuckled. "Uh yes. Sorry."
"Bye."
"Bye, Pai." Rikku hung up and shook her head. "Dry blanket, really Paine?"
##
"Hey Rikku!"
It was times like this where Rikku really wished she had more girlfriends. She would whisper that this guy was nuts about her and was trying to break her and Paine up, and then they'd all make some excuse about all having to go to the bathroom so they could really leave through the back entrance.
Brandon Lawrence was wearing regular dark blue polo with khakis and a NLU blitzball cap on his head. He smiled brightly and walked over, his one hand holding a bag from Sport Ruler.
"Hey Buddy." Rikku was just one person though, in the mall alone.
"I see you're taking advantage of the sale." He grinned and motioned to her Fiona's Secret bag. They were having yet again another semiannual sale.
Rikku looked down to her bag she forgot she was holding and blushed a little. "Yeah."
"I take it Paine will appreciate whatever's in that bag."
Rikku shook her head. "Cloth panties? No, I don't think so."
"They sell granny panties at this place?" He asked genuinely surprised.
Rikku laughed. "They're not granny panties if you must know, they're just cloth material, it's a new line, no seems and…why am I even explaining this to you?"
Buddy shrugged and began following Rikku as she walked over to another store entrance called Mic. "This place smells like girl." He wrinkled his nose.
"It's a perfume store for women; I don't know what else you expect to smell." Rikku began browsing to see if they had her usual perfume here, she was running low. "So is this supposed to be endearing or creepy?"
"What?"
"You following me."
"I thought we were catching up." He shrugged innocently.
"Were we?"
"Yeah, so how was your Christmas?"
Rikku shrugged. "It was nice enough."
"Paine meet the family?"
"Paine practically lives at my house."
"Oh…" He didn't know it was that serious. "Well she must have enjoyed all the food. I know I ate way more than I should have."
##
"So then you had sex…"
Paine nodded. "And I don't know how I feel; Rikku hasn't said anything about it."
"Maybe it wasn't as big a deal for her as it was for you?"
"Shouldn't it be though? I mean I wasn't exactly the most gentle and…She almost…shouldn't she…"
"You think she should have insecurities about rough sex because she almost got raped."
Paine was quiet for a second. "Yeah"
"Maybe she does, but then maybe she doesn't Paine. The results of something traumatic like that, especially in Rikku's case isn't always as black and white as we all would hope. It makes sense that she trusts you so much."
"She was the one who prompted our first time, and that was great I mean we both just went with it, and all the times after that except maybe…I feel like maybe I pushed her. I mean I asked her to let me fuck her."
"Did she say no?"
"No…"
"Do you think that maybe you have some insecurities about sex?"
"Why would I?" Martha shrugged. "I love my girlfriend and…and we both liked it…a lot."
"So what's the problem?"
"I think maybe I'm becoming paranoid with everything happening. I think the things that aren't a big deal are now. Like the other day Rikku asked if I wanted hot cider or warmed up hot chocolate…"
"Warmed up hot chocolate?"
"She doesn't like hot cocoa."
"Uhuh, continue."
"And I just thought for some reason that she wanted me to pick the hot cider so she could have more cocoa. I mean it's not like she doesn't have money to buy more, but I honestly felt like if I had the chocolate milk then she wouldn't have enough and would be mad…."
"Like how now you are talking about you and your girlfriend of five months having erotic sex as young sexually active adults, as opposed to talking about how you recently discovered you have not only two parents, but a half sister that you knew…like that?"
"Yeah…"
##
Rikku laughed. "No I don't think that would be fun. I'd freak out."
Buddy grinned. "Ah c'mon you'd be great at it."
"I just have good genes that's why I look this good. I tried to take one of Paine's classes at the gym and thought I was going to die by the end of it." Rikku checked her time to make sure she wouldn't be late to get Paine.
"I bet her classes aren't that hard." Buddy shrugged her off.
"She'd kill you."
"Well yeah because I flirt with you all of the time." He smirked.
"Which you really need to stop." Rikku reminded. The two were standing in line at Jambi Juice in the mall.
"Why? "
"Because I don't like you, because I'm in love with my girlfriend."
"Whoa whoa, love? I thought you were just like experimenting."
Rikku shook her head. "You never listen when I talk, you're such a guy."
Buddy chuckled. "How do you know?"
"What?"
"You're in love?"
"How do I know?" They moved up in line.
"Well you have to know, I mean you say it with such conviction. How do you even know she's in love with you?"
"Because she says it, and she shows me all of the time-you're an ass you know that?"
Buddy chuckled. "But you still like me."
"Hi welcome to Jambi Juice what can I get for you two today?"
##
Martha glanced at the clock on the wall above Paine's head.
"It's like I spent half my life trying to find her face in mine, and then the other half getting over it, and now…now it's just here." Paine sighed and looked up. "Now it's just here."
"Precisely."
She leveled her gaze back at Martha. "What do I do? I just need someone to tell me what to do. Gippal's not talking to me, Rikku wants me to make every single decision on my own, and really if I think about it, that's it. That's all I have."
"Why don't you like Lulu?" Martha leaned forward and asked. "Why does the mention of her name make you make that face?"
"I just don't like her."
"Well there must be a reason, Paine. I think I know why, but I want you to try and figure it out on your own."
"Great, another thing to do." Paine sighed. "Sometimes…" Her voice broke a little. "Sometimes it's just too much okay? Sometimes I don't want to do well and sometimes I just want to just crush a little and not worry."
"Sometimes is better than all the time, do you remember when you used to say you always felt like it was too much, or you always wanted to use? Do you remember that?" Paine nodded lightly. "I think you have come such a far way from the little fourteen year old I used to know…" Martha paused. "Wait here for a moment. She stood and left Paine in the office and returned a second later with a folder. "I want to hear you something."
"What?" Paine sat up a little on the comfortable couch she had come to know as her lifeboat.
"When you first came to see me, those many years ago, I want to read you what I wrote."
"You were actually taking notes? Wasn't it obvious? I was an angry kid."
"Sometimes the obvious answers and initial emotions aren't always correct, Paine; sometimes it takes a little searching below the surface of things. I'll read this and then that's all the time we have for this week, but your homework is to search, whatever you think that means do it. More often than not you'll stumble upon something you weren't even looking for." Martha waited till Paine nodded and then reached for the reading glasses that hung around her neck. "Let's see here… Paine Amelia Kerrigan, fourteen years of age, female, refuses to make eye contact…."
##
Rikku stood quickly when Martha St. Bernard's door opened and Paine walked out. Their eyes met and Paine wordlessly put her arm around Rikku's shoulder as they left like she always did whenever Rikku waited for her. They braced the cold breeze and hurried to Rikku's car. Once the seat warmers were on and Rikku got situated in the driver's seat they were off to fine somewhere to eat for lunch. "…I don't feel like them, too greasy… How did it go in there?"
Paine paused. "I think I'm going to organize my closet today…"
"Oh thank Yevon, this woman is a miracle worker!"
Paine laughed. Rikku's closet was way messier than hers on any given day, but she decided not to point that out. "Like go through things…search, maybe I'll do my whole room."
"Move things around you think?"
Paine nodded. "Yeah, just something different…"
"I can draw something up." Rikku said excitedly. "If you want…"
Paine nodded. "Yeah, yeah that would be okay. I think I want to move my bed away from the wall, it's really cold and I roll into it if you're not there to push."
Rikku smiled. "I can sleep over too."
"If you want to babe."
"You don't want me to?"
"I don't mind, I like sleeping with you…I mean like in a bed….asleep sleeping not….never mind."
Rikku chuckled. "I like both."
"Do you?"
"Um, yeah? Isn't it obvious?"
"So the other night, you were cool with it?"
"I would have said no if I wasn't, and I liked it Paine, you were hot and all frustrated and full of this…passion it was just…" Rikku shrugged. "Sexy."
Paine nodded to herself. Martha had been right yet again, though she wondered where Rikku's real gray area was, she was glad it wasn't sex. Paine liked sex with Rikku… a lot. She liked how she felt when they were doing it, how they just seemed so in sync, she loved how close it made them, how sexy Rikku sounded when she was close…
"Is that what you talked about today? Us?" Rikku asked curiously.
"A little." The blonde nodded slowly not really knowing what to make of that. "Nothing bad." Paine reassured.
"Oh, oh alright."
"How about we just go to Eveready?" Paine suggested. "I think I'm just going to order soup."
"Soup sounds like a good idea to me." Rikku nodded and turned down a short cut. She found a parking space close by and Paine hopped out and reached into her pocket for quarters while Rikku got everything in her purse together. "You should have brought your gloves." Rikku observed when she took Paine's hand in hers as they walked up to the entrance. "Your hands are freezing, and dry, its okay I have lotion."
"Where in Spira would I be without you baby?" Paine joked as they walked up to the hostess's stand "Two please."
"Right this way." The petite hostess led them to a cozy booth in the back near the windows. It was their favorite spot. Just out of the way of the bustling diner. Even now on the day after Christmas the even sized diner seemed to be full. The hostess put down the menus and Paine chuckled but scooted over when Rikku came to sit on the same side of the booth as her.
"You're warm." She explained. Their waiter Saber arrived and took their orders after exchanging pleasantries. He had come to know the couple with all their time here during the last semester.
"How was the mall?" Paine asked as she debated on adding cream to her coffee. That was searching too right? Searching for new ways to drink coffee. Paine nodded to herself and added just a touch before neglecting the sugar like always and taking a sip.
Rikku sighed. She was really hoping Paine didn't ask. "The mall was alright, I went to Fiona's, got a few things." Paine raised an eyebrow and Rikku laughed. "Nothing crazy, relax."
"You're birthday is coming up. You think you'd want like a gift card or something from there?"
Rikku laughed. "That's a real back handed gift Paine." Paine tried to hide her grin, but she had been caught. "You want to give me a gift card so I can spend it on something hot for you?"
Paine shrugged and reached for her coffee again. "They have make-up and lotion, and casual shit there too, why does everything I say have to be twisted to sound dirty?"
"Because everything you say is dirty."
"Untrue." Paine smiled into her cup when Rikku elbowed her playfully. "But really, you did me in good….Anniversary, Christmas, Anniversary, Birthday, Anniversary, Valentine's day…. I'm running out of ideas."
"I never thought of it like that." Rikku laughed. "Hm well Valentines and our seven?" Paine nodded. "Seven month can be combined and I want to have a party for my birthday, your gift to me will be coming, and then our sixth we'll just wing it. I really don't expect something extravagant Paine. I'm actually trying to cut down on a lot of things."
"Why?"
"Well I told you I wanted to get serious about becoming independent from Pops," Paine nodded again; she remembered the break down Rikku had in Home Goods. "So like I'm just trying to make things stretch, like if he gives me money I'll bank it."
"I can help you make a budget if you want. I've gotten real good at those."
Rikku smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"So do you want a gift card or not?"
Rikku laughed. "Sure, Pypo."
"Pick something nice for yourself." She joked causing Rikku to laugh a little more. "What else did you get?"
"Um…I went and bought a refill of my perfume….I ran into Buddy..."
"Buddy?"
"Yeah, he kinda followed me around. I didn't exactly tell him to leave me alone though."
"You don't want to be rude."
"Paine."
Paine sighed. "I know I know…. So what did he have to say?"
"Noting important."
"Right."
"You missed it last night though."
"Oh yeah tell me how dinner went." They sat and ate their soups. Paine tomato, Rikku chicken noodle, and talked about the night before and how everyone had a good time but kept asking where Paine was. Rikku was fine with it, she really was. When Paine left she knew she had made the right decision in talking to her and letting her try and pace herself. Lulu wasn't mad at all, Wakka was a little sad though. He even came up to Rikku and asked how she was handling everything. "I think you should call him, or shoot him a text." Rikku nodded as she reached for the extra plate of lemons she ordered on the side and squeezed one into her soup.
"Yeah, I think I will.. Yeah."
##
"What about this?" Rikku held up another shoe box. She had never really looked into Paine's closet before, there wasn't much to see to be honest. A couple of jeans, V necks in different colors but nothing too loud, her leather jacket, a sweater or two. It was nothing like her extensive walk in and she didn't know why she hadn't noticed it before. It made her a little sad. Paine wasn't well off, and you'd never know it unless you saw where she lived. "Baby let's just throw it out." She probed when she saw the torn look on Paine's face.
"That's my stuff from the center." She stood from her sitting position on the ground near her desk. "Um…"
"Here." Rikku handed it over. She could see that she was holding something that made Paine a little uncomfortable. "I'll organize these." She walked over to wear Paine was sitting before and began going through some tops that had fallen off their hangers and been forgotten.
Paine walked over with the box and sat on her bed. She took a second before opening it and rifling through it. Rikku jumped when Paine flipped the box off her lap; sending its contents to spill all over the floor. "Garbage." She announced before going back to cleaning off her desk.
Rikku glanced at Paine and then the mess she had just made. She crawled over to the pile and began looking through it. There were little toys stemming from infancy to older stages. A small story book, another sling shot with a P etched in the wood near the base. Rikku furrowed her brows at a thick spineless book rolled up with a rubber band. She unhooked it and was surprised to see a book of sheet music, the pages colored and torn with age, but it was there. Rikku was flipping through it when two things slipped out.
Pictures.
"Ur so kucr oui fana cu lida!." She smiled at the picture of a very young Paine in jeaned overalls sitting at a piano stool with her left hand resting gently on the keys and her right on her lap; her feet couldn't even hit the floor. She was five. "Look at you." She cooed. Rikku put a hand to her chest. "Look at your little smile. I could sprinkle jelly beans on you and eat you up! My girlfriend, aw, babykins."
Paine turned around. "Stop it."
"I'm sorry but look how cute you were! There's a band aid on your knee and everything!"
Paine sighed and turned back around. "That was a long time ago."
Rikku looked up at Paine's back and then back to the little girl. They could never be the same person. Rikku knew this already. It was hard to see her so happy then, knowing what they both did now. "You look adorable, baby." Rikku looked back up at Paine. "C'mere." Paine hesitated but turned around and came to sit on the ground beside Rikku. "Let's go through this stuff hm?" She rubbed Paine's knee. "I don't think there are many pictures like this one am I right? We should look through to make sure."
Paine nodded and sighed again. She picked up the other picture that fell to the floor and smiled a little. "Gip and I." She showed it to Rikku. They had to be around seven or eight. Paine no longer had long hair and Gippal's head was shaved down low and he was wearing glasses.
"Oh my gosh look at the two of you." Rikku laughed little at how they were trying to seem cool yet their shoe laces were untied. "Let me see this." She took the picture from Paine and smiled a little more. "Thick as thieves."
"We got into so much trouble." Paine shook her head with a small laugh. They were outside playing baseball. Little Paine was leaning forward on a bat and smirking and Little Gippal had a mitt on in one hand and was crossing his arms much in the same fashion he did now. They were both wearing white and yellow baseball styled shirts mattered with dirt from the heated game against the Brown County orphanage kids.
"You guys look like such trouble makers." Rikku handed the picture back to Paine and looked down to the one of her baby faced girlfriend. "Aw…" She sighed.
Paine rolled her eyes. "Don't start crying." She joked.
Rikku looked back at Paine all watery eyed. "You were just a little baby in this. Look."
Paine couldn't even believe Rikku was about to tear up. "C'mon get a grip." She put her arm around her girlfriend's shoulder. "Yeah, and babies grow up." She tried to reassure. "Who knew back then I'd be as sexy as I am now?" Rikku laughed which made Paine smile. She pressed a small kiss on Rikku's cheek. "It's okay."
"Why did you flip the box?" Rikku asked after a moment to compose herself. "These are all things that are still apart of you."
Paine pulled her arms back to herself and scanned the floor for something. She leaned forward and picked up a babies bonnet and handed it to Rikku before getting up and going back to what she was doing before. Rikku fingered the frayed material on the inside and found a stitching of Paine's initials. She looked back at her girlfriend hanging up shirts and then back down to the bonnet.
"Can I have these?" Rikku asked raising up the pictures and the bonnet. Paine didn't even turn around.
"Sure, whatever."
##
"What the fuck? I said turmeric not fucking curry powder!" Gippal shook his head at the sheer incompetence of the people who worked for him. "Make a new batch!"
"Yes chef, right away chef!"
Gippal stirred the sauce in front of him and took a taste. They had 150 on the books tonight and he couldn't afford any more screw ups. "How's the duck looking?" He called out to the short pastry chef who was standing near the oven waiting on her tart shells.
"Five more minutes."
"Perfect." He mumbled to himself as he turned around and began to chop up some oranges for the accompanying sauce.
"For you Chef." Clasko slipped a small package in the window.
"Thanks man." Gippal stared at the light weight thing and reached for something to open it with when he remembered that his knives were for food not boxes. "Am I supposed to open this with my dick?" Clasko handed him a box cutter. "Let's see what the hell this is… maybe those sample napkins I ordered…" Gippal fought to open the package. He furrowed his brows when he opened it and realized it was a picture frame with a sticky note on it. The note had one word on it
Truce?
Signed
Cid's girl
Gippal took the sticky off and felt a chuckle in his throat. "Fuckin' gremlins." He mumbled when he saw the picture of him and Paine as kids out on the ratty old baseball field in the back of the detention center where they grew up. He sighed to himself and looked back at the sticky note.
A loud buzzing sound broke his train of thought. "Chef! The duck!"
Gippal nodded to himself before putting the picture frame safely in his lowboy beside the tomatoes and spinach. "Well turn the fucking timer off, you're standing right there!"
##
"Are you nervous?"
"Stop asking me that."
"You look nervous is all."
"Well I am, happy?"
"No."
"So what the hell?"
"Alright, just stay still."
"I'm still."
"You're tense."
"Just hurry up please I'm freezing."
Rikku smirked. "I can see that." Paine covered her chest quickly. "Ah c'mon!"
"Nope."
"No more boobies?"
"No more boobies."
"But they were the focal point."
"Find a new one."
"I'm an artist, I go with what moves me, and that's your tits so drop those arms." Rikku chuckled.
"You're a perv."
"Wait a minute I smell a double standard. You perv on me all the time."
"I'm your girlfriend."
"So am I!"
"I'm seeing a lot of talking and not enough painting."
"Well if you could move your arms I can get back to work, you don't want a misshaped boob do you?"
"What? You mean like yours?"
"Paine Amelia Kerrigan!"
Paine laughed and lowered her hands. "Hurry up, my nipples hurt."
"Really?" Paine nodded. "Let me feel."
"Rikku!"
"Alright alright!" Rikku giggled to herself as she dabbed the tip of her brush into the black paint she was using to outline Paine's body. She could not believe she had finally gotten Paine to agree with this. It's kind of been a little fantasy of hers since she first sketched Paine back when they first met. That and doing some full on body painting…with their bodies…naked. She glanced up from her easel to Paine on the couch. "Open out your hand a little…yeah okay."
"How much longer?" Paine sighed.
"I really appreciate you being my muse, Pypo."
"Yeah, no problem, I just don't want your dad to decide that today's the day he actually comes up here."
"Well I told him we were painting."
"What!"
"Stay still!"
"What did you tell him?"
"I told him that you were helping me paint, and then I said to knock before you—"
"Oh my gosh."
"It's for the good of the art Pypo I promise."
"Tell that to your father…. You know he put condoms in my Christmas stocking?"
Rikku sighed. "He's so bothersome, you would think he and Leblanc getting back together would consume his time."
"Well he's hardly here."
"He's always hardly here."
"…I'm cold."
"Well you're naked."
"Why don't you get naked too, just so it's fair y'know?"
Rikku chuckled. "After I'm done with this."
Paine sighed and fell quiet for a little while. "It's been a full week."
"And still nothing?"
"….I don't know." Paine winced in thought. "I wonder what she does here… In the city."
Rikku shrugged and tried to hide her smile. "You know why I want to meet her or at least see her?"
"Why?"
"So I know if you'll age well. If not then I gotta let you go baby."
"Yeah well I saw pictures of your mom; I'm not letting you out of my sight."
Rikku chuckled. "New Years—"
Paine groaned. "Can I just focus on one thing at a time?"
"Fine."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome, Pai."
"Do you think that…. I mean…"
"Paine I don't know, I don't know her, but Lulu does."
Paine rolled her eyes. "Well look now she has two moms."
"Her mother still isn't speaking to her."
"Well she can have mine."
"Why don't you like Lulu? Honestly."
"Because she's a bitch."
"Not good enough, some people might say you're a bitch."
"I am."
"So you two are more alike than you think…"
"No."
"Just tell me."
"I don't like her because she's a know it all."
"Um, have you sat down and watched a game show with yourself? You blurt out all the answers and you get all pissed off when you get them wrong. You tried tutoring me in math too, remember that?"
Flashback
"I don't understand what is so fucking hard to understand!" Paine was about ready to gouge her eyes out.
"I understand it you jerk, I'm just asking why!"
"Why what!"
"Why do we have to create a truth values table if this statement is clearly invalid!"
"You don't know that!"
"I do! Today is Tuesday not Wednesday!"
"Wednesday is P, and P implies—"
"Why can't Wednesday be R? You're so self-centered."
Paine just stared at her girlfriend. "You're an idiot."
"Well you're a shitty teacher! You can't tell me why you do things and you don't show me anything, you just give me the answer, that's not how you learn!"
"Maybe if you took better notes, I'm sorry I don't remember everything I took this class in like the third grade!"
"Oh shut up!"
Paine grabbed her leather jacket and stood. "Just use the back of the book from now on."
"Maybe I will!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
End flashback.
"Point." Paine nodded. That had been a disaster.
"You know why I think you don't like her?"
Paine sighed. She had been searching all week and though she had come to terms with a lot. She still didn't want to acknowledge the real reason behind her dislike for her half sister. "Why?"
"Because if things were different by a hair, you'd be Lulu, and you wouldn't have to go through any of the tough stuff that you—" Rikku's cell phone began going ringing at her side. "Oh, speak of the Lulu…" She put down her brush and picked up the phone. "Lulu….Wakka? Huh, I can't understand—NOW!"Rikku motioned for Paine to get up. "Alright, no no Im coming, we're coming…Yes call Yunie….bye!"
Paine was rushing to put on her clothes. "Is she having the baby?"
"Yes, I'm gonna be an auntie, oh my gosh, I told you we should have just bought that teddy bear just in case!" Rikku ran off leaving Paine to trip over her pants as she followed after her.
She was going to be an Auntie too.
Paine skidded to a stop.
She was this kid's Aunt…like his real Aunt. Paine. He didn't do anything, little Franco or Blitzer or whatever name they gave him. He didn't do anything wrong. He was innocent….
Innocent and early
"Paine hurry up!" Rikku yelled.
Somehow during the seven minute drive to the hospital things had changed. Paine couldn't say if it were because she feared for her own life with the way Rikku was driving, or because she feared for the new life that was coming into a family of dysfunction, but things had certainly changed, and for some reason she was just as nervous as Rikku was.
"Wait wait wait." Paine stopped Rikku from getting out of the car by placing her hand on the blonde's shoulder.
"What Paine what!" Rikku slowed down a little when she noticed the look on her girlfriend's face. She couldn't give it a name but she knew exactly what was going on. "It's gonna be fine."
"She's doesn't have anyone either…"
"She has us, and Yunie, and Teedus, and Walker—"
"I'm his family."
Rikku couldn't help but begin to smile. "You're freaking out."
"I've been so focused on how parents are supposed to act and what I wish mine were like and… How in the fuck is an aunt supposed to act, Rikks?"
Rikku chuckled and caressed Paine's cheek before leaning in for a little kiss. "I'll catch you up."
AN: I absolutely love all the reviews and feedback and just all the amazingness that's happening. Writing this story wouldn't be as fulfilling if it weren't for you all. Thank you.
KathleenDee