Harry Potter and the Changeling Child Chapter 4: Crystallization
"Is there no news?"
"No Albus, there is not." Minerva shook her head. "He appears to have vanished."
"Has a watch been set on the borders? All ways that he could leave the country?"
"Yes Albus." As if that had ever stopped Harry. "But do you really think he will try to leave? Everything we've seen suggests he will stay and fight."
"I do not know Minerva." Albus shook his head. "I am not sure of anything anymore."
"Stay strong Albus. The order needs you."
"Yes... yes we must go on."
The marauders, bundled up against the cold, sat quietly before a huge bay window in Malfoy manor. They had gone there straight from Hogwarts, with a guard the entire way. They were in the minority for leaving, a lot of students had elected to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas. It was safer. They were not the only ones there though, Terry and Anne Baker (none of the marauders had really known them) had been dragged along looking confused.
That was until they reached the house and had a tearful reunion with their parents. Apparently someone had saved them from the death eaters. Emphasis on someone.
The manor was filling up, loads of people. Refugees almost, people that had been targeted or were in danger of being. It was scary, seeing the fear in their eyes, the feeling of being hunted. The marauders were the same, unable to leave, scanning the papers for any hint of Harry. They found nothing but they kept looking. Guilt was a powerful thing.
So now they were stuck in the mansion, unable to leave its walls as snow blanketed everything outside. Even if they could have gone outside would they have had the heart to play? Maybe, maybe not. So they sat in front of the huge open window and watched it fall.
The adults had tried to make it cheery, there was even a tree. It hadn't worked though.
"We should go have lunch." Someone murmured. No one moved. Eventually someone else echoed the sentiment and they began to get up, slowly, silently. They had just about reached the kitchen when Tonks burst in.
"Have you heard the news?" She blurted.
"We read the prophet-" Hermione began before Tonks interrupted her.
"No, no. This just happened." She shook her head. "Two death eaters just got dropped into the ministry foyer. Flued in. They were stunned and tied up with ribbons. They're processing them now. Where's everyone else?"
"Most of the adults eat in the tree room." Ginny pointed and Tonks hurried out.
"Do you think it was Harry?" Neville asked quietly.
"Of course it was Harry." Malfoy said flatly.
"It could have been someone else, someone else trying to stop them."
"Someone who tied them up like presents and dumped them Christmas eve? It's Harry." Padma grimaced. "He's out there fighting."
"On his own." Her sister echoed.
They sat in silence for a while. The only sound was Ron rhythmically munching on bread.
"Do you think it was us?" Ginny found herself whispering. "Do you think we drove him out?"
"You certainly didn't help." Draco sneered.
"Shut up Malfoy! You were the one helping him!" Ron reached over and tried to thump the Slytherin. "If you hadn't he wouldn't have thought he could fight them!"
"He was getting help from other places than me. Someone else I'm sure, he was getting better too fast." Malfoy shook his head. "No, I withdraw what I said before. You didn't push him towards this. This was inevitable."
But we abandoned him. Ginny thought darkly. Maybe if he would have stayed longer if he thought he had something to stay for. Or at the very least he'd know he wasn't alone. Merlin, how had things gone so wrong?
"It's my fault." Hermione murmured suddenly. "I said that... stupid thing about choosing between-"
"It wasn't you." Ron broke in. "You heard Malfoy, it was inevitable."
"We need to do something." Parvati said. "Bring him back. Tell him it's ok."
"How?" Draco shook his head. "Take out a personal ad in the Prophet?"
"Well why not?"
"Because it's ridiculous. And because all it would do is assuage your guilt. It wouldn't help him."
"Well what would help him!" Fred asked angrily.
"I don't know!" Draco shot to his feet. "Why are you asking me anyway? I don't even like you." He turned and stalked out of the room. Ginny watched him go. She'd never thought about it before but Harry leaving had probably hit him pretty hard too. He didn't really have any other friends. Maybe that had been why he helped Harry for so long.
"We need to do something." Parvati repeated again.
"What sister? What?" Padma frowned at her sister darkly. "Don't just keep saying 'do something' and expect everyone else to come up with something."
"I don't hear you coming up with anything!"
"There's nothing we can do!"
They lapsed into an angry silence again. There was too much stress, too little sleep. They were all at the end of their tethers. Just like Harry had been. Ginny shook her head, they should have gone easier on him. A little selfish part of her felt glad that she had not been part of that first argument with him. Another part blamed her for starting it. If she had just dodged he wouldn't have hurt her shoulder and then they wouldn't have...
It was pointless to think about it. The argument had happened, but a little part of her still irked. They shouldn't have blown up on him, so what if he said he chose an army... Wait... Was it possible? Was she really thinking about this?
"I can think of something we can do." She said, her voice catching in the middle. It hadn't done that in years.
"What Gin?" Fred asked without looking at her.
No one was looking at her. No one was paying attention. Marauder rules...
"HEY!" The table jumped as Ginny slammed down on it hard. The marauders started like rabbits. Oh great, now everyone was looking at her. She stood, keeping her hands flat to the table. "I know what we can do."
"Wh... what?" Hermione asked hesitantly.
"Exactly what he asked." Ginny said confidently. "He wanted an army. He needs an army. He's fighting out there on his own so he deserves an army! We can be it. We can help him!"
For a few moments there was silence, then...
"But... but we're just kids." Neville was biting his lip.
"We're as old as Harry." Ginny stated defiantly, glossing over the fact that she wasn't.
"We don't know how to fight like him." Ron was staring at her wildly.
"Harry learnt, so we can." Ginny folded her arms. "Harry wasn't even that good at defense and look how far he's come. We can do it."
"We could..." Fred murmured, and is twin began nodding thoughtfully.
"There are only eight of us." Hermione pointed out.
" I think other people in the school would be prepared to help Harry if we told them. The old chosen... others too." Ginny tried to look confident. "And besides, Harry's just one person!"
"But Harry's Harry!" Hermione shook her head. "He could get away with that sort of thing! He has some... ability... some reason he survived. A power! That's it! Like the prophecy said. 'A power the dark lord knows not' we-"
"The only power Harry ever displayed was stubbornness." Padma interrupted her. "Stubbornness and bravery."
"And the fact that he never gave up." Her sister added.
"And we shouldn't either." Padma nodded.
"So you..." Ginny turned to them grinning.
"We're in." Padma said, her eyes hard and determined. Her sister nodded her support.
"Us too." George folded his arms just as his brother said,
"We can't give up on Harry."
"And you three?" Ginny turned to the last three undecided marauders. Neville shifted nervously,
"I... It could have been me." He was looking down at the table. "It could have been me. I wouldn't have survived this long. No... but I can't just ignore it. The fact that it could have been me I mean. I... I feel like I have to help if I can."
"You're in?"
"I don't know how much help I'll be."
"You saved me." Ginny smiled desperately. All the marauders had to join, it was like fate. For some reason she felt like that. If they all didn't join it just wouldn't work. "And Harry would have wanted it."
"He understood you." Padma chimed in, smiling. "More than the rest of us I think."
"I'll help, if I can." Neville said, in a small voice. Ginny breathed out in relief, one down two to go...
"And you two?"
Hermione and Ron shared a look. Ginny knew she could tease her brother into it, Ron was a sponge for peer pressure, but she wouldn't. Not a choice like this.
"We'll have to miss some lessons." Ron said suddenly and Hermione put a hand over her mouth, chuckling. "Think you can handle that Hermione?"
"I guess so." Hermione turned back to Ginny. "For Harry."
"You're in?" Yes, yes, yes! "Both of you?"
"We're in."
"Us too." A voice came out of nowhere. Ginny spun and fixed on the large double doors. Standing in the open crack were two brown haired children. Terry and Anne Baker. They had been listening in, eavesdropping. And they had managed to do it undetected. Wow, Ginny thought. They've already got what it takes to be a marauder.
"What?" Ron stood, clearly unable to see them properly from where he was. "You two?"
"We heard what you were saying." Anne said, obviously trying to sound older. Ginny wondered if she had looked like that a few moments ago. "We want to help too."
"Harry saved our parents." Terry added in. "The ministry didn't even know they were a target. We want to help."
"You realize what this means don't you?" Ginny said clearly. "We're talking about fighting. Fighting death eaters. Maybe dying, almost certainly getting hurt. This isn't going to be fun."
"We know that." Terry nodded. "You think we don't know? We saw Harry when he came back that morning just like the rest of you. That's the kind of stuff you're talking about right? Well that night he was out saving our parents. Saving them was what hurt him so bad, so its... like I don't know. Only fair, I guess, that we should do that for him."
"You could die." Padma said flatly.
"If Voldemort wins we die anyway." Anne matched her flatness. "With parents like ours we'll be on the top of his list."
"We know what were getting ourselves into." Terry said defiantly. "We want to join Harry's army."
"Harry's army?" George snorted. "Is that what we're calling ourselves?"
"I don't like it." His twin agreed.
"It does sounds like something from world-war-two." Hermione agreed.
"How about the chosen? We've been that before." Ron suggested.
"We're the marauders." Ginny overrode him. "We've always been the marauders we always will be. It's what Harry would have wanted."
A murmur of agreement went up from around the table and Ginny felt a surge of pride. She beckoned the Baker twins over. As she did she suddenly realized something, she had made everybody look at her and they were still looking. Her brothers had happily accepted her lead, they all had. And now she was about to ordain two new marauders, a privilege only previously granted by Harry.
What can of worms had she opened today?
"But wait." Padma said suddenly. "How are we going to train properly? Harry had a teacher, he had to. Where are we going to get one?"
"I can think of someone."
"Draco!"
Draco turned in shock to look at the crowd in the library doorway.
"Yes?" He looked across them. "Can I help you?"
"We've decided what we're going to do." Ginerva said from the front. "We're forming an army. We're going to fight for Harry. We want your help."
The library was silent for a moment. Draco met the eyes of each of the marauders, were they really serious? Legillimancy gave him the answer.
"Well would you look at that." Draco murmured, then smiled. "Lets get to it."
"You realize this means the marauders now have members in every Hogwarts house." George commented as they walked down to Harry's old training cellar.
"We don't have any Ravenclaws." Ron said. Hermione shook her head irritably.
"You would think you'd remember Ron, after all the times she's saved our skins."
"Who?"
"Moaning Myrtle."
"She doesn't count." Ron said with authority before being clipped around the ear by Ginny.
"Watch your mouth. Harry wouldn't stand for that sort of talk."
"Besides, you're all wrong anyway." Draco said dryly from the front. "Harry made myself and Tonks marauders at the end of last year. You've been cross-house for months now."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Ron asked him.
"Would it have made a difference?"
"Well... maybe." Ron shrugged. "Marauders have different rules than ordinary people."
"Yeah, that part I got." Malfoy reached the door to the cellar and threw it open. It was exactly how they had left it. Huge piles of broken furniture and burn marks on the walls. "Right, well we don't have impact spheres or a siswai'aman or muggle gonnes-"
"Guns." Hermione corrected.
"Them either." Draco stepped into the center of the room. "Actually I do have some impact spheres but that's not the point. We don't have time to go to four continents and pick up the best weaponry like Harry did, so I'm going to focus on this..." Malfoy drew his wand and held it out in front of him.
"Terry, Anne." Ginny turned to the two newest members. "How are you at defense class?"
"We're both getting Es." Anne said quickly.
"Marauders should know how to lie better than that."
"Alright As."
"Same as Harry last year." Ginny told them encouragingly. "Hermione? Can you bring them up to speed real quick?"
"I... I guess so."
"Good." Ginny turned back to Draco and nodded. He smiled at her as he directed the others into dueling lines. Her stomach did a little floaty lurch.
Just stress. She told herself. Just stress because we're joining a war. Natural to be nervous, especially since they seem to have elected me leader. I'm not nervous for any other reason. No reason at all.
Neville collapsed into a chair in his room. He ached everywhere. Malfoy had pushed them all day, fighting. They had only quit for the night when the Baker kids couldn't stand up any more. Neville hadn't been far behind them.
This must have been what it was like for Harry.
Neville shook his head, earlier Padma had told him Harry understood him. Neville didn't know whether that was true. He certainly didn't understand Harry. But maybe he watched him more than the others, keeping quiet on the sidelines maybe he saw more. Saw more about people... about Harry.
Maybe there was one other thing they could do for Harry.
He had thought of it before but hadn't mentioned it. No reason to tell `people, especially if he was wrong. It'd just make him look stupid. It probably wouldn't help anyway. But it was worth a shot.
Neville drew a piece of paper towards him and grabbed a quill. He chewed on the end nervously, how did you start a message like this?
Dear... No, to familiar. Neville shook his head, it didn't matter what words he used. He should just get the thing written. He cracked his tired knuckles and started again.
To The Pythea My name is Neville Longbottom and I'm a friend of Harry's. I don't know if he told you about me.
Neville winced, this was harder than he thought.
Harry's in trouble, or he might be. He's left Hogwarts to fight. We're worried about him. We're worried he might die. I don't know if you know about the Pr...
Neville stopped writing and thought for a moment. The letter might get intercepted by someone.
If the phrase 'as the seventh month dies' means anything to you then you know why he's doing this. I don't know if you can help him but if you can then please do, and tell us what we can do to help. We're already doing everything we can but it may not be enough.
Neville read the letter over nervously. He was writing to ask the help of one of the most powerful women in the world. He signed it, his hand shaking enough to make the signature illegible, then squeaked his chair back and made for the owlery.
Digger was awake and waiting, like he knew. The owl didn't even bother to look at the address, it just glanced at the name and took off. Neville watched it go, hoping...
He got no reply over Christmas. The marauders opened presents with aching bones while their parents watched before begging out and going back down to the cellar. Neville was surprised that the Baker children didn't complain about being worked on Christmas day. Perhaps they really did understand what they were in for.
Snow kept falling intermittently, not enough to cover the ground again. It just ended up slush. Neville wondered if Harry was outside, cold, right now, then felt stupid. If Harry could get weird dark weaponry out of the blue then he could keep warm in winter.
"Neville!" He heard Fred yell at him. "I thought we were dueling not staring out the window."
"I'm coming." Neville turned and raised his wand. "Just a second."
We're doing what we can Harry, just you wait.
Harry crouched on the roof of a house, careful not to slip on the wet tile. The house across the way was owned by a prominent member of a pure blood family. Not his main house obviously, pokey little place like this, but one of his properties.
A property with a large cellar. A property that had been taking in large supplies of meat, bad meat too. Off cuts, the kind you would give animals.
It was a lead. Harry smiled grimly, he was on to them. He could wait here all night...
"Severus the children at headquarters keep disappearing during the day. Do you know where they're going?
"I do not Albus." Technically true though any sensible person could guess.
"Do you think they might be planning to follow Harry?"
"It is possible." I hope they are.
"This troubles be Severus, they should be kept safe."
"They are children." Technically true though not actually revealing his opinion.
"You will tell me if you hear anything I should know."
"Of course." Anything I think you should know.
"Now," Dumbledore looked around the hall, meeting the eyes of the four order member. Snape, McGonagall, Tonks and Moody. They had all been asked here. None of them knew why. "I believe I have found Harry."
"Are you sure?" Minerva rose to her feet, shock evident on her face. "How?"
"Harry has been too trusting of Gringots." Dumbledore drew a thin folder of parchments towards him. "He forgets that they have human employees as well as goblin ones. I have managed to obtain records of Harry's transactions. I believe I have pinpointed his location."
"So why haven't you brought the poor boy back?"
"Because Harry will have an exit strategy." Dumbledore shook his head. "If he sees me he will run, and I cannot guarantee I will be able to catch him. You are the order members I believe he will trust. You must approach him. You must bring him back."
And what if I don't wish him back. Snape was careful to shield his thought utterly. What if I merely wish to make sure he's safe.
"This is the location." Dumbledore floated a sheet of parchment to each of them. "We will go. Now."
Snape looked up at the flickering bulb above him and scornfully flicked it off before lighting his wand.
"The top floor?" The auror Tonks was looking at the map drawn by Dumbledore. "Why would he be on the top floor? It's a dead end. No way out."
"The boy's smarter than that." Alastor agreed as the four of them reached the stairwell of the muggle building. It was not vacant, indeed Snape could hear muffled voices and clicking from adjacent rooms, but the top floor was closed for renovation.
"Perhaps Dumbledore was wrong then." Was that a hint of hope in the voice of the young auror?
"More likely Harry has a broomstick up there." Minerva snapped.
Harry would not have a broomstick. Snape shook his head but said nothing out loud. He is more likely to have a pet dragon up there than a broomstick.
"Quiet." Moody was up ahead, his magic eye scanning above them. The old auror cursed. "Damn evil eye! There's bags up there, and papers. But I can't tell if there's a person."
"Let me see." Minerva slinked into her cat form and carefully padded up the steps. Then came back down, her eyes twinkling. She transformed back and said, "Harry has been here. His smell is everywhere."
"Do you know if he is there now?" Snape asked.
"He is there. The scent is too recent for him not to be."
"Then we go in." Moody stalked forward. "No wands visible, don't spook him."
They walked up the bleak concrete stairs. The door was closed and covered by a plastic sheet. Snape was reaching out to cut it aside when they all heard,
"Don't bother, I've cut a slit in the one round the side." The four order members stopped dead. The voice continued. "And if you want a more dramatic statement, you are Moody, Snape, McGonagall and Tonks."
"Harry?" Tonks asked loudly. "Is that you?"
"Did I not make that clear?" The voice said cheerily. "Come in if you want. With your hands up if you please, we don't want any surprises."
"You don't trust us?" Tonks asked.
"Constant vigilance." Harry replied.
Snape chuckled as he dropped his wand in his pocket and walked around the corner. There indeed was a break in the plastic curtain, it was waving in the cold wind. Snape stepped up to the gap and pushed it aside. Harry was standing in the open bay window, leaning easily against the edge.
He looked... tired. Beyond tired, his eyes were sunken and his skin pale. Did he look worse than when he left Hogwarts? Yes. He most certainly did, there was no denying. It could not just be tiredness, it could not. He seemed happier though, his eyes sparkling mischievously.
"Harry." Snape greeted him as the other order members filed in behind him. "It is good to see you. You are looking well."
"No I'm not." Harry was watching them all closely. "But I'm surviving. How did you find me?"
"I'm afraid we can't-"
"Gringots led us here." Snape interrupted McGonagall, who glared at him. "Dumbledore found you here with their information. He sent us here to bring you back."
"And are you going to?"
"We just want to talk to you Harry." McGonagall stepped forward, her hands spread peacefully. "It is not safe for you out here."
"It's not safe anywhere." Harry shrugged. "And I'm helping out here. I'm fighting the death eaters. What are you doing? Looking for a lost child? Let me ask you, which of us is doing the more useful task?"
"Potter don't be an idiot." Moody growled. "You may have caught a few death eaters but it's only a matter of time before you're caught and you better pray it's by Dumbledore and not the dark lord. If you die we all lose."
"If I fail we all lose." Harry shifted closer to the window.
"Harry, we're just trying to help you." Tonks stepped forward. "We all know what's at stake here."
"This scene is recap." Harry scoffed. "I'm leaving." He turned to the window and dropped.
"No!" McGonagall yelled, snatching for her wand but Moody was faster. The old auror summoned Harry roughly, drawing him across the floor and disarmed him with a flick of the wrist.
"Son of a bitch." Harry tried to stand but Moody jabbed his wand and Harry was pushed back to the ground. "Trusted you..."
"Sorry Potter." Moody growled. "Trusted you too. You pissed on that when you killed five men didn't need to be killed."
"That's not true."
"The part about killing them or the part about not needing to?"
"To be honest, both." Harry made a lunge for the door but McGonagall stepped in front of him. Harry cringed, then tried to stand. "This is pointless. If you bring me back to Hogwarts Dumbledore'll keep me prisoner, we all lose."
"I trust Dumbledore more than I trust you right now." Moody raised his wand. "You disappointed me. Now Stup-"
"Stop!" Snape struck sideways, sending Moody's wand sideways. As the auror's eyes jerked open in shock Snape stunned him and whirled, holding his wand on McGonagall. "Don't move Minerva. In fact back away."
"Severus what is this?" Her eyes were wide in disbelief.
"Please don't talk." Snape glanced at Tonks standing twitchily in the corner, her hand hovering over her wand. "And you? Do I need to stun you too?"
"I... no." The young auror's eyes flickered down to Harry. "Take care of yourself Harry. Please. Please do."
"I'll try." Harry nodded, walking over and grabbing his wand. "And I won't use Gringots any more." The boy started for the window.
"Harry!" Snape called out. "Moody caught you. You let your guard down. You have to be better than that."
"I know. I screwed up. Constant Vigilance." Harry nodded towards Moody. "You should tell him that too when he wakes up."
"He will probably kill me first." Snape shrugged.
"Not likely." Harry stepped up the edge. "He'll probably trust you now."
Harry grinned and dropped off the edge.
Snape waited a long moment, long enough for Harry to reach the ground, then lowered his wand. McGonagall just looked at him. No student with late homework had endured so withering a stare.
"Well Severus, now that you have betrayed the order, what do you intend to do now?"
"I will go back to Dumbledore." Snape stepped over to wake up Moody. "And I will try to explain."
The auror blinked to life and grabbed his wand. He levered himself to his feet and looked Snape up and down with his piercing electric blue eye.
"Well well, your true colors at last." Moody spat.
"Trelawney once told me my color was pale fuchsia." Snape commented as he made for the door. "If I'm showing that color you may want to get your eye checked."
"My eye's fine."
"Good, then I'll meet you at Headquarters." Snape apparated away, the cold pressing abyss of void giving him a moment of peace before he dropped to his feet in front of the doors. Three pops behind him told him the other order members had followed.
"Don't do that again you slime." Moody growled, wand out. "If you try to apparate again I'll assume you're trying to escape."
Snape took three steps, into the grand hall.
"There." Snape raised his hands. "Now I can't escape."
"I don't trust you." Moody shook his head. "Give me your wand."
"No." Snape turned towards the main hall and walked calmly. Surprisingly he felt calm, he was comfortable. He was sick of being Dumbledore's lapdog, and now he had finally acted on it.
He pushed the double doors open and found something he didn't expect. The whole order was there, lining the walls. Dumbledore had called a meeting, to discuss Harry being back. Snape stopped, his arms crossed and the three following him walked past into the room. Tonks was still quiet, fading into the crowd, her hair unconsciously turning mute brown. Moody and Minerva walked straight up to the head of the table.
"You failed to catch Harry?" Dumbledore clearly suspected something. He was using the stare that used to pierce Snape to the soul, now it just made his eyes itch. "What went wrong Severus?"
"I decided that greater good could be served by letting him free." Severus stood calm against the angry muttering that rose at that. He found Natalie's eyes in the crowd,
Why? I am tired of leashes. You aren't finished are you.
I am not. I mean Dumbledore to know I am no longer... tame. Well this should be fun.
Snape couldn't help but smile.
"You think this is funny Severus!" Dumbledore had stood, his eyes flinty and hard.
"Yes."
"How dare you!"
How dare I? Snape snorted, this was the way things should be. He felt more comfortable with everything against him.
"Snape this time you have gone too far."
Oh good, if you're going to be this predictable this will go far easier. Snape just smiled.
"Do you have nothing to say!"
"No. I have nothing to say." Snape kept his voice irritatingly cool "The only explanation I have you will not accept. And I cannot formulate one you will because you I do not know what you want."
"I want someone I can trust!"
"No you do not. You trust no one. You never have. Not with any secret worth knowing. You are a closed system, no one is told anything." Snape glanced around the office at the other order members, practically everyone was there. Everyone there to witness his humiliation, that was what Dumbledore wanted anyway. If Snape had his way it wasn't going to happen like that. "None of these people know anything do they."
"I am speak-"
"You'd think that would bother them." Snape continued. "You'd think one of them would worry about you."
"Be silent!"
"Each of them thought another had your ear. Minerva thought Lupin, Lupin thought Moody perhaps. I don't know who Moody thought. But none of them did, none of them know."
"Silence!"
"No man is an island." Snape smiled, after all these years he knew how to get to the old man. "No man is an island unless he makes himself so."
"Severus I will not listen to-"
"You will listen. You can't not." Snape shook his head. "Something has frozen you. That is what you do isn't it? You shrink, like a turtle. Back into your shell."
"And what is my shell?" Dumbledore growled with uncontained rage and frustration.
"Your past. Your reputation." Snape sniffed. "The last war, your glory days. Ha ha... you have retreated into repetition and now? Now you are paralyzed by it. We are not fighting this war, we are reliving it."
"You have made it clear what you think about-"
"Shut up." Dead silence. Snape folded his arms, grinning faintly. Behaving like Harry was fun. "I am talking now and you will listen. You are paralyzed by something. Guilt I would guess. I don't know of course, no one knows, but I would... well... safely assume that it is guilt. Everyone is motivated by something, we each have something that makes us... tick. You have guilt, great swirling pools of it. In every pore of you, in every facet of your mind. It's been there since the first time I ever saw you, I didn't recognize it then of course, but it was there. By the time I came to work for you I was old enough to recognize it. Something in your past, in your present too, fills you with a festering remorse. And it just gets worse and worse, makes you doubt yourself, makes you think you are never worthy. Makes you turn down the position of minister for magic. Over and over again. I know what made you like this, you think I would work for you and not investigate your past. You know I am more careful than that. You must have known that I knew. You must have known that I had found out about Kendra."
Dumbledore froze, every tendon tensed. Snape breathed a sigh of relief in his mind. He had not known for sure, not until that moment. He still didn't know really, not what had happened in that room. That secret would probably be taken to the graves of the men concerned. No matter, Snape could gloss over the details.
"It was there in the first war." Snape continued, his harsh voice the only sound in the packed hall. "Back then it was... helpful. It made you careful. It made you weak but... it made you careful. I do not understand what has happened since then, perhaps it is as Harry says and you are simply senile, but it is worse now Previously guilt made you careful, sensible. Now it makes you useless. Useless and broken. You are no longer the famous Albus Dumbledore, you are a fractured version of him."
"No."
"Something destroyed you."
"Stop."
"I don't know what it was."
"Please."
"It must have been something terrible." Snape smiled slyly, letting his words sink in. Weakening. "Whatever could it have been? You don't have another sister..."
"SILENC-"
"Legilimens!"
Darkness falling, falling everywhere. My fault, always my fault. I shouldn't have put him there, no right I had no right. I condemned him, his death. My one charge. Failure. No. Must be done. Hope. Death. Failure. Truth shrouded so deeply. So deep it hurts. The truth would break us all. But even without we are doomed. It is all a lie and we are all doomed. Everything you know I told you. Everything you know is lies.
Snape tore his mind away, shaking. He fell to his knees on the floor, the horror, the confusion, filling him. Dumbledore had fallen too, back into his chair. The old mans face twisted in pure agony. To keep a truth locked inside for nine years only to have it roughly ripped from you? It must have felt like his heart had been torn out. Snape shook his head, it could not be true, it couldn't be. But behind the dark mutterings of Dumbledore's mind, behind the aching remorse the real memories hid. He had pushed them deep, as if trying to forget them but they were there. They were impossible to forget. Snape knew he never would. The magnitude of what the old man had done hit him and he doubled over, vomiting onto the cold stone floor.
He felt hands on his shoulders. Natalie. He reached up for one and grasped it, holding on to something real as parts of his universe fell apart. He tried to stand and found he needed Natalie's help to rise to his feet. His legs felt like water, his feet like led. He tried to make his mouth work, things needed to be said. Something needed to be said.
"How dare you?" Predictable, but Snape could think of nothing better. "How could you do that? To a child!"
"It... was necessary." Dumbledore's voice was barely a murmur, a faint whisper in the air. "It had to be done. It had to be done. It had to be done." Dumbledore mumbled that phrase over and over like a prayer.
"Necessary?" Snape found his tongue and used it to growl. "No. No it was not. Not even you believe that."
"We needed-"
"BE SILENT!" Snape snapped, the headmaster cringed back as if struck. "I am leaving Dumbledore. I am going to help Harry. To find him and help him, and you will let me. You have no right to have anything to do with that boy. You have no right." Snape turned towards the door, but stopped as his eye fell on Lupin.
"And you." Snape sneered. "You... for going along with him. For keeping it a secret. For treating Harry the way you do because of something that was none of his doing. Something that was done to him. You... you are a monster. One that has nothing to do with the moon." Snape turned away and hobbled from the room, leaning heavily on the small woman beside him.
"Severus!" Dumbledore called after him, suddenly sounding scared. "You will tell no one! Surely even you can see that this must remain a secret!"
Snape kept walking, not trusting himself to speak. They reached the door and he stiffened, his heart felt like it had a thousand tiny hooks in it, each one attached to a weight.
"Severus?" Natalie murmured beside him. "You need to go home, I'll take you-"
"No. Not home. Hogwarts." Snape shook his head. "Hogwarts first."
"Alright." She didn't argue, she knew when his mind was made up. There was a short, sharp chime and the woman he was leaning on had blond hair and pale white skin. Of course, she was supposed to be dead. Trust her to remember details even at a time like this. They stepped outside the boundary of the wards and apparated, the cold and pressing void once more enclosing him.
He stepped out himself onto the grass before the gates and allowed himself to be led up the long path to the castle. Corridors passed and Snape realized he was being led to his quarters. Good. The walls are warded so no one will hear. As they reached the door Snape pushed it open and went directly to the liquor cabinet. He poured himself a whisky and drunk it down, wincing at the burn in his throat.
"Ghost Myrtle Henderson." Snape called out softly. Ghosts could always hear their names. A few moments later the shadowy shape of Moaning Myrtle sunk out of the ceiling.
"Why did you call me?" She asked impudently. "I don't answer to you."
"I called you because the house elves report to Dumbledore as do the other ghosts. I need these words to be private." Snape snapped quickly. "I need you to bring professor Michelson down here and I need you to tell no one."
"You can't order me ar-"
"It is about Harry."
"Oh. Oh..." Myrtle nodded fervently and shot back up through the stone. Snape turned to Natalie, now back to looking like her old self, waiting patiently.
"You don't have to tell me." She said understandingly. "I understand if it's something you want to keep to yourself. After all Dumbledore-"
"Was wrong." Snape cut her off. "And I will tell you. If nothing else I need your help to make sense of it." Snape took a deep breath and began explaining. He could have just given her the memories but he didn't want her to get the shock he had. It didn't actually take that long to explain, in the end it was so simple. When he was finished she just sat there, staring at him. As if willing him to jump up and yell 'fooled you!', but knowing he would not.
"This... this changes everything." She said breathlessly.
"It changes nothing." Snape gritted his teeth. "We still need to help Harry."
"You're right, we still do. But it changes everything else Severus. Everything else. You cannot deny that it does."
"No. No I cannot."
They fell into silence as the door was pushed open. Markus Michelson strode in, looking around the small room quickly.
"The ghost said this was about Harry." He said, still glancing around as if Harry would spring from a sideboard. "Do you know where he is?"
"No, but I have... I have left the order to search for him. To help him with what he is trying to do. If I can." Snape fixed the other man in the eye. "I know you've been teaching him. I would appreciate your help."
"Well finally!" Michelson threw up his arms. "I was beginning to think I was the only one in this place with my head on straight."
"You are not far wrong." Snape shrugged.
"So what does this make us?" Natalie smiled. "The order of the Kneasle?"
"The order of the Nundu more like." Michelson cracked his knuckles.
"You know, I think it makes us marauders." Snape smiled faintly. "James Potter must be spinning in his grave."