039: Taste

"Hello! I am your newscaster, Cee Jay Ess. This next show, coming to you live from the Land of the Cragnons, the first Crag-vision show to appear inter-dimensionally, is 'Flint Cragley, Crag Factor.' In this show, hosted by the influential Cragnon Flint Cragley, beings from dimensions other than the Land of the Cragnons are presented with local delicacies, which they must eat or be eliminated from the show! We now turn the time over to Flint Cragley." The screen switched from Cee Jay Ess to Flint Cragley standing in front of a table with five covered plates on it. Six people stood behind the table.

"I am your host, Flint Cragley! Today, we take a trip into the exotic. Six beings will attempt to eat Cragnon delicacies and not pass out, throw up, or leave the table! Presenting our six contestants!" The screen focuses on a blue Flipsider with a beard. "First up, we have the retired explorer, Heronicus!" The screen moves to a Sammer Guy. "Next, the vegetable-hating Sammer, Inferno Flower!" A familiar blue Pixl is next. "The bomb expert, that exploding master, Boomer!"

"How can Pixls eat?" Mr L asked from his position in front of the TV.

"Shh! TV!" Mimi chided.

The next person in line was an ordinary green Koopa. "Johnson, the shell maniac, is next!"

"I resent that classification, Flint," Johnson said.

"Hush, green one," Flint told Johnson. The camera panned across to a red-clad plumber. "The Hero of Crag, the Banisher of Bowser, the one-and-only Mario!" Mario waved to the camera. Then, the screen changed to the final contestant. He was very familiar-looking to the watching minions. "The Master of Dimensions, Pleaser of Crowds, Maestro of Magic, Dimentio!"

"Whoo-hoo!" the assembled minions cheered. Dimentio gave a casual salute.

"Now that everyone is introduced, we move on to the main event: The Eating. Cragley HO!" The six contestants crowded around the first plate, and Flint walked over to the plate. He gripped the covering, and, after looking at each of the contestants, whipped the covering off, nearly hitting Heronicus in the head.

"Watch it!" Heronicus yelled. The blue-clad mayor of Yold Town jumped up into the camera's vision.

"What?" Watchitt cried.

"Not you!" Heronicus shouted. Watchitt sank back into the crowd.

Meanwhile, the other contestants had been gaping at the stuff on the plate. What looked like rocks were sitting on the plate. Flint gestured at the plate, and each contestant grabbed a piece of the food. All together, they tossed the rock-like things in their mouths. A general chewing could be heard. One by one, they gulped it down, all except Heronicus. He opened his mouth to get some air, and all his teeth fell out.

"Ahh!" he yelled. All the other contestants snickered except for Mario. He patted Heronicus on the back. "I haf no teef!" Heronicus shouted as he ran off-screen.

"And Heronicus is out!" Flint announced. "Mario, Johnson, Dimentio, Boomer, and Inferno Flower are left. You ate... overcooked Muth." The five contestants nodded. Flint pulled the second plate's covering off. Small red wedges were on the plate. As one, Mario, Johnson, Dimentio, Boomer, and Inferno Flower picked up a piece each and popped it in their mouths. Inferno Flower gagged a bit, and the others swallowed it without hassle.

"What is this, Flintus?" Inferno Flower asked weakly.

"Oh, it's a turnip juice-marinated, sun-dried tomato slice," Flint responded matter-of-factly. Inferno Flower's eyes bugged out, he leaned forward and back, and fell over with one leg in the air, occasionally twitching.

"Dramatis persona," Dimentio muttered. The four remaining contestants moved on to the third plate. Flint pulled the cover off of the plate, and Mario's mouth dropped open. On the plate were a bunch of mushrooms. Mario grinned, then began stuffing each and every mushroom into his mouth. He swallowed with a look of ecstasy on his face. It rapidly changed to a look of pain and he fanned his mouth. Mario looked around for some water and, spying some behind the crowd, he ran over and began drinking as much as he could.

"Mario is gone!" Flint said. "The Hero has fallen to the superspicy rock fungus! The One has crashed! The Plumber has encountered a clogged pipe!"

"Can we move on? BOOM!" Boomer asked.

"Oh, yes."

"Eh, ah thought Maria would go all the way," O'Chunks pronounced.

"Aren't you for Dimentio?" Mimi asked.

"Well, sure. Ah jus' thought Maria would win."

"Come on, guys," Mr L said. "Flint is uncovering the fourth plate." They all turned their attention to the TV, where Flint had just uncovered the fourth plate.

Dimentio, Boomer, and Johnson all picked up a piece of the translucent food, and each put it in their mouths. Dimentio and Johnson chewed and swallowed, but Boomer began shivering uncontrollably. He fell to the ground and turned bluer than he already was.

"Get the paramedics!" Flint called. "Boomer has reacted to the cold quartz-ice!" A pair of Cragnons carrying a stretcher rushed on-camera, picked Boomer up, and placed him on the stretcher. They then rushed off, and a siren was heard. "Well, folks, hopefully Boomer will be alright. Now, it comes down to these two, Dimentio, Maestro of Magic, and Johnson, Shell Mariner."

"Yeah!" Mr L, Mimi, and O'Chunks yelled.

"I don't work on the sea, Flint," Johnson said.

"Oh well. The final plate will be uncovered... now." Flint took the cover off of the fifth and final plate, to reveal... two pieces of what appeared to be raw meat with leaves on it. "The final food item is a foodstuff not seen since the beginning of Crag," Flint announced. "Raw Muth topped with Floro Sapien leaves."

Dimentio picked up his piece of meat and ate it. He chewed slowly, pondering the flavor, then gulped it down.

"Good job, Dimentio!" Mimi yelled.

Dimentio looked pointedly at Johnson and gestured at the remaining piece of meat. Johnson picked it up. He looked at it from all angles, then dropped it into his mouth. He ground up the meat with his teeth, then swallowed. Dimentio smiled, and so did Johnson. They clasped hands and shook.

"Goodness, folks! We have two winners today! Dimentio, Maestro of Magic, and Johnson, the Koopa King, are our winners!"

"GO DIMENTIO!" Mimi yelled. O'Chunks began shouting nonsense, and Mr L clapped.

"Flint," Johnson said. "I'm not the Koopa King."

"I tried." Flint shrugged.

"What do we win?" Dimentio asked. Flint's smile wavered.

"About that. We didn't really, um, prepare a prize."

"What?" both Johnson and Dimentio said.

A/N: Needless to say, both Koopa and Maestro were mad. They teamed up to put Flint Cragley in front of a charging Muth. Flint barely escaped with his life. 'Flint Cragley, Crag Factor' never had another episode. Johnson and Dimentio, both having enjoyed Cragnon cuisine, treated each other to the most extravagant restaurant in Crag. Mr L took Flint to court, O'Chunks threatened to give Flint a taste of his chunks, and Mimi scared the living daylights out of Flint with her 'True Form...'

Anyway, a perfect place to end a chapter. I'm sure some people will think that it should have ended differently, but I liked it. So there. Just kidding.

For those who are wondering, there is a Sammer Guy named Inferno Flower in the Sammer Kingdom. Just so you know. This is also the first time Mr L has appeared since number twenty-seven. Go Mr L!

I figure this happens after the main story of Super Paper Mario, during The Great Allie's The Count's World, or something like that. I haven't yet asked her if I can reference her stories. What do you guys think? Do you think that as long as I site her, I'm fine? Or should I ask? I think if I site her, I'll be fine.