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Chapter Seventeen — Saying Goodbye

Bella

I knew I had to leave him. When he finally made contact with me, saving my life, I knew it was time. He had found me and it was time to say goodbye.

Though I knew I had done the right thing, it still hurt me more than I believed possible. For a while, just a short time, I had been with him again. He had been able to hear me and talk to me. I treasured those words. I knew he would be happy for a time now, and that he would be building the memories of me that I now used to remind myself that it was all worth it, every day of waiting and wishing, because I was loved.

Returning to my life with Jacob was painful. I could not hide the depression I felt, even though I tried. I didn't have revenge to keep me going anymore, or nights with Edward. They were over. It was just me and him and my eternity of life without the one I loved.

Jacob couldn't fail to notice my dour mood, and he tried his best to help me. We stayed in Canada, moving into the Northern Territories. He would attempt to make a game of everything we did. We would compete in our hunts for the biggest animal. We would race through the forest. We would make scavenger hunts of the things we needed—human food for him and clothes for us both. Control of my bloodlust was something else he was determined to distract me with. We occasionally moved into the small towns at night, immersing me in the scent of humans while the streets were mostly clear. Though my throat would ignite with the scent, I found that I could control it. Whenever I was tempted, I fixed Charlie's devastated face in my mind the last time I saw him and imagined all the people that would suffer if I slipped. Eventually, I could sneak into populated houses in the night, stealing what we needed, leaving the occupants safe and well in their beds.

As time passed, I wondered how far Edward's visits had got into my childhood. How many more did he have before the last time? I felt that everything in our time together had been leading up to that point, and I didn't know what would happen to him once it was over. I couldn't go to him again, he couldn't see me. I had said goodbye to him that time by the river, and soon he would say goodbye to me in the meadow. What came after was unknown and more than a little frightening.

With no clear goal in mind, we started working our way back through the wilderness towards America. It was late one evening, Jacob and I had fed and we were building a small campfire, deep in the woods. Neither of us had any need for the heat, but it was sometimes nice to feel some warmth. I was just rooting through the backpack I always carried, looking for the matches, when Jacob spoke up and threw everything I believed and felt into disarray.

Jacob

When I first ran with Bella, I was being selfish. I couldn't bear to see her die. I didn't want her to leave me. I thought I knew best.

I was wrong.

It wasn't me that was helping her, it was her drifting.

I wasn't dumb, I got good grades at school, and I knew that it wasn't looking around the forest that made her happy in the mornings or made her anxious for me to sleep at night—it was him.

She was seeing Edward.

At first I was pissed. I had given up everything for her, but I wasn't enough to keep her happy alone. She had to go creeping off to him at night. I begrudged it. He had given nothing up for her, so why did she love him more than me? Why wasn't I enough?

Then she stopped going to him, and her depression became so much harder to bear. I knew she had stopped, as when I would wake in the night, she was still there, feeding wood into our campfire and staring at the flames with a moody look in her eyes. I didn't understand why she'd stopped going, but I couldn't ask her about it. I couldn't bring up the subject of him without hurting her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

We were working our way back towards America, when it happened. We were just outside of Anmore, and I had thought it would be a good idea to take the opportunity to move into town and use the local library to check up on the news pages. We were so isolated living in the forest that war could have broken out and we wouldn't have known. I didn't tell Bella, but I wanted to check in on the local news for Forks, too. I wanted to search the pages to see if Bella had been given a memorial yet. That was the only way I had of knowing Charlie was moving on from what she'd told me about how he looked when she saw him last. That way, if she ever asked, I would be able to tell her. I didn't think she would ever visit him again, as it was just too painful for her.

I changed into the one decent outfit Bella kept in her backpack for me and left her in the forest to wait. I hadn't invited her along, even though I thought her control was good enough, and she hadn't asked. I slipped into town along the main road and ambled along the street and into the library.

And then it happened.

I saw her standing behind the counter.

She was tall, curvy, tanned, with long blonde hair that flowed down her back in soft curls. She was the opposite of everything I had thought was beautiful before, and yet I had never seen anything more stunning in my life. Gravity shifted. I was changed.

I knew what was happening, as I'd heard Sam thinking about it, but I never thought it would happen to me. I had thought that I would never see another woman, as my head and heart were too full of Bella. I was wrong.

She turned to me and smiled, and I felt my heart leap.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I… uh… need help." I rasped.

She smiled slightly. "Okay… What do you need help with?"

"Computers," I said dumbly. "I need the internet."

She came around the counter and pointed towards the bank of computers against the wall. "Well, there they are. Go ahead."

"Uh, thanks."

She laughed softly. "That's not a local accent."

"Washington," I said. "I'm just here camping for a week." I held out a hand. "I'm Jake."

She shook my hand, not seeming to notice the heat of my skin. "Meredith. This is a great spot for camping. There's Buntzen Lake nearby if you like water sports."

"Yeah, that's great," I said. "Much to do in town?"

She nodded. "El Comal is great if you like Mexican food."

"I'll look it up," I said, flashing her a wide smile.

"I might see you there," she said with a smile. "Tomorrow maybe, at eight?"

My heart, which had been somersaulting, stilled and then beat on heroically. "That sounds great."

She beamed at me. "I'll see you then, Jake."

I gazed at her one last time, fixing her image in my mind, and then turned away and left the library, all thoughts of checking the news forgotten.

The only problem now was how I was going to tell Bella I'd imprinted.

Bella

Jacob was different when he got back from his trip into town. He was conflicted about something. When he thought I wasn't looking, when I had gone to the stream to clean up, he became deliriously happy, smiling wide enough to burst, but when I returned, he became quiet and thoughtful again.

It wasn't until later, when he was building the campfire that he finally told me what was on his mind. "Bella, I need to talk to you," he said.

I looked up. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know how to tell you…" He squared his shoulders. "Bella, I imprinted."

My first, selfish thought was: 'How am I going to survive now?' Then the better part of me triumphed and I smiled enthusiastically. "That's wonderful, Jake. Tell me all about her."

He beamed at me. "Her name's Meredith. She lives here in Anmore and she's… just… perfect."

He went into raptures about her and I listened, knowing this was the end. My time with Jacob had come to a close. It was only right that it should. I had clung to him for too long, taking him away from his life, and now this, Meredith, was his reward. The fates had finally shone down on him.

"When are you seeing her again?" I asked.

"Tomorrow, we're going to meet at a Mexican joint." He grinned. "I'll have to hit a house before I do, 'cause we have about three bucks change to our name, and I don't want to cheap out on her."

I smiled. "Okay, Jake, we'll do that."

His expression became solemn. "No, I'll do it. There something more important you need to do."

I raised an eyebrow. "There is? What?"

He sighed heavily. "You need to go find Edward."

I froze, my every muscle locking in place in reaction to his words. "Jake, I…"

"Don't tell me you can't," he said harshly. "You can do anything you put your mind to. Look how much you've done already."

I shook my head slowly. "He won't want me, Jake."

"You haven't given him a choice. You've been hiding from him, watching him without letting him see you." I looked stunned and he huffed a laugh. "How do I know? I know you, Bells. You were happy when you were seeing him, and now you've stopped, you're miserable."

I looked down at the ground, fiddling with the strap of my backpack.

"You owe him this," Jacob went on. "He deserves to know you're alive. He deserves to be able to make the choice."

"What if he doesn't want me?" I asked in a small voice.

"Then you come back to me and I will take care of you," he said with a smile. "I promise you, Bella. Even if he doesn't want you—which I don't believe—I always will. I will take care of you."

I stared into his earnest face and knew he meant every word of it. He would take care of me, even if it tore him apart. He had someone new in his life now, Meredith, and his every instinct would be to please her, to be what she wanted. He would fight that to be what I needed, too. I didn't know what I had done in a past life to deserve a friend like Jacob, but I was eternally grateful for him. I would never be able to repay him for what he had done for me.

After a long silence, I nodded slowly. "Okay. I'll find him."

"You mean it?"

"Yes. I'll give him the choice."

When Edward left me, he had taken away my choice in the matter. He had left for my safety, not caring that I would rather have had him with me than be safe. That had hurt me, and yet I had not learned from it. I had decided he would reject me, even though I knew how much it was hurting him to believe I was dead. He deserved the chance to make the choice for himself. If he didn't want me, it would hurt me, but at least I would know for sure.

Jacob whooped, sending a flock of roosting birds into the air. "That's awesome, Bells. You won't regret it."

I smiled slightly. "I hope not."

He looked at me expectantly. "Well…"

"Well what?"

"Go, Bella!"

I laughed. "Now?"

"What's the hold up? You know where he is, right? And you want to see him, so why aren't you moving already?"

I got slowly to my feet, fear making every movement stiff and jerky. I was more scared than I had ever been in my life. I'd had the memory of him looking at me with love to sustain me all this time; what if that look of love was replaced by horror? How would I cope?

"You won't know until you try," Jacob said, knowing what I was thinking. "Remember, I'll be here waiting if you need me."

"I love you, Jacob," I said softly.

He grinned. "Me, too. Now, go get him."

I touched his cheek briefly, feeling the warmth seep into my skin, and then turned away. I started walking, and then jogging, and before I knew it, I was sprinting through the trees, back to Edward.

I ran until I reached the Strait and then I swam. I came out near Port Angeles at dawn, and slipped into the Park. I would have to be exceptionally careful not to be seen. Not only was I believed dead, it was a rare sunny day and my skin was reflecting prisms of light.

As I ran, I thought. I was going to see Edward again. The thought both pleased me and terrified me. There was a chance, the slimmest chance, that he still wanted me, that I really could get my happy-ever-after with him. There was something I knew I had to do first though. I had to go back to the place it had all started for us and say goodbye. I had clung to those memories most of my life, clinging to him. I needed a fresh start. I had to say goodbye to the little girl in the meadow and become the vampire I was—strong, powerful and ready to start over.

When I reached the meadow, the sun was just clearing the treetops. A sob built in my throat at the sight of the place. This was where my most poignant parts of my life were set.

It was as beautiful as I remembered. The wildflowers bobbed in the soft breeze and the sounds of the forest whispered to me. The only thing wrong was the absence of the boulder at the center of the clearing. I almost expected to see my younger, innocent and human self running from the trees, ready to spend another day with Edward.

She couldn't come though. That little girl was gone. I had to say goodbye to the memory of her if I was to move on. It was hard, though. That little girl had been secure in Edward's love. I was grappling with hope now.

I closed my eyes and imagined her sitting on the grass, looking up at me. It was easy to see her face as I had sketches drawn of me as a child, all drawn by Edward.

I remembered the little girl with her sparkly man that saved her from the river.

I remembered the man that taught her to play checkers and chess.

I remembered the man that counseled her after her first experience with death.

I remembered the man that told her the truth of the world.

I remembered the man that had jumped puddles with her.

I remembered the man that told her he loved her for the first time.

I remembered the last time and the heartbreak of knowing my own mortality.

I remembered all that and a hundred other things, and as I thought of them I let them go, consigning them to the past and not the present. They had been good times, the best times, but I needed to let them go if I was to build a future now. I wasn't a little girl anymore, and I had to finally grow up.

As those memories lost their hold on my mind, I felt lighter, as if they had been weighing me down. I breathed deeply, feeling my chest expand, and exhaled slowly, releasing the stress. I was free.

But I wasn't alone.

I could hear someone coming, footsteps light as air on the forest floor. It could only be another vampire. I slipped back into the trees, away from the sound, and waited, my fight or flight reflex poised for action. I held my breath, waiting to see who would come, and then he was there, breaking through the trees.

Edward.

He looked awful, worse even than the last time I had seen him when drifting, and I knew at once that our time was over for us both. He had made the last visit to my past, and like me, he had come to say goodbye.

He looked around the clearing with haunted eyes and then began to speak. I listened with rapt attention, feeling my heart swell with every word he spoke, and then, as he broke off, unable to speak more…

I stepped out of the trees.

So… I promised a Happily Ever After for the story, and we're finally coming to it. Jacob's imprinted, leaving him happy. Edward has had his time with Bella in the past, and it's time for them to move on to the future.

Until next time…

Simaril x