*Thank-you for all the reviews on the last chapter. they were greatly appreciated. Thank-you all so much!
I had a long road in front of me and that first night I stayed at the hospital for Zuri and Zaiden. It was a long and tiresome night. When Zuri was sleeping Zaiden was awake and when Zaiden was asleep Zuri was awake. I think I only got about an hour sleep that night. It wasn't only from them waking up every two hours but also because I had a lot on my mind. My wife was gone and she wasn't coming back. I wished so badly I could go back and change everything that happened with us in the last few months. I wish I could have gotten rid of every argument, erase sleeping with Tessa behind her back and just being with her. Spending every waking moment with her and never questioning my love for her but it was too late. I couldn't go back and I couldn't change all the horrible things I had done to her. I could never erase what happened between Tessa and me and I could never erase the arguments as much as I wanted to but what I really wanted to erase was her pushing Zaiden out. I should have stopped it all when she said her head hurt. I should have told her to have a C-section and she would still be with us. I wish I could get her back. I wanted her back. I sat looking at my two sleeping babies and couldn't stop thinking about how much Ryan wanted this. She would have loved them. Zuri looked just like her. She was absolutely beautiful and being a biracial child she was very light because her pigmentation hadn't come in yet. She was everything I had wished for when it came to my daughter. She was Ryan's little girl for sure. Then there was Zaiden; he looked more like me and like his sister his pigmentation hadn't come in yet either. As I looked at him I thought back to when Zachary was a baby to see if I could determine any similarities between them and they did seem to have the same nose.. MY nose. I couldn't focus on that right then. I had bigger things to worry about like talking to Zola that day when she showed up at the hospital to see her new brother and sister. It was a conversation I was not looking forward to.
I was sitting there running my fingers over their soft black hair when Tessa walked into the room. "How are you feeling?"
"How do you think I feel?" I asked.
"Like you're never going to get over it and you have that sick feeling in your stomach. You know it's true but you don't want to believe it. You feel like your heart is broken and you want to cry but you can't. I know how you feel. I've been there," she said as she sat down on a chair in the room. "I have been there. I felt the same way when my parents died. And every time someone said they were sorry for my loss it made me upset because saying sorry wasn't bringing them back. I know how you feel."
"It hurts so much, Tess. I never thought I could feel so much pain in my life. I didn't know what pain was until now."
"I know," said Tessa. "I know. The pain will heal but the grieving will never stop. You will always grieve. I am still grieving. It's tough but it gets better."
"When?" I asked. "When does it get better?"
"You'll see," she said. "So does Zola know yet?"
"No. She's coming later today and I have to tell her. I don't want to tell her something like this Tess. I really don't. I haven't even accepted it yet. I keep thinking that Ryan is going to come back. I keep thinking that but I know she's not. I wish this was all a nightmare but it's not. It's all real. I haven't slept at all because I can't. I don't' want to sleep."
"John, some sleep will do you some good. You look really tired. You need as much energy as possible to take care of these little babies. They look so precious."
"Yes they do," I said, "so innocent not even aware of what happened. I wish I could live a life where I didn't know what was going on. I really wish I was."
"I know, John. You just want to disappear. I get it. Death is one of the hardest things to overcome and it will take some time. I am here if you need me."
"I thought after you had Zuri you were going to go on with your life because of Dave?"
"And leave my best friend alone to live with his misery? I don't think so. Dave will have to deal with it if he ever comes back."
"That's right. I still have to talk to him," I said.
"Don't worry about that right now. You just focus on your family and healing."
"No. I promised you I would talk to him so I will."
"You don't have to."
"I want to," I said. I was not a person to break promises. I wanted to see Tessa back with Dave. If either of us deserved to be happy it was her. Don't get me wrong I was happy to be a father but I was not happy because I no longer had my wife. I didn't have a wife to share the joys of parenting with. I had no idea on how to take care of a baby. I never took care of a baby. When I met Ryan Zola was 2 years old. She was well past the baby stage. I was on my own and had no idea what I was doing. I had those two small treasures in front of me but had no idea how to be their father.
"If you insist," she said. "John, you're going to be okay but like I said if you need anything I am only a phone call away. I will help you out."
"Thanks," I said. "Tess."
"Yes?" she asked.
"When you look at Zaiden do you see Zachary in him?" I couldn't hold back. I had to ask someone that had seen Zachary on a daily basis as a baby to let me know that I wasn't crazy and I wasn't holding on to some false hope.
She looked at him and said, "John, I don't think so. I don't think he looks like Zachary at all."
"I think he does," I said.
"John, I think you need some sleep," she said. "Zachary looks like me so there is no way Zaiden looks like him. It's not possible."
"They have the same nose," I said.
She didn't say anything for about a minute and then said, "I don't' think so."
"Okay," I said. I think she saw it too but she didn't want to admit it. She had to have seen it. She had to. I was not going to push it just yet but there was going to come a time when I did.
"So how are they eating?"
"Very good," I said. "Zaiden eats more than Zuri. IT took me a while to figure out how to burp them. I'm not good at this daddy stuff just yet."
"Are you kidding me, John? You've been Zola's dad for years. You're a good dad so don't think you're not good at it. Babies are difficult but you'll get it. Trust me," she said. "I've been there. I didn't know how to be a mom but I got through it."
"I see," he said. "So are you and Dave still going to have that baby?"
"If I can get him back yes. Seeing Zuri and Zaiden makes me want another."
"Wonderful," I said. I was truly happy for her. She deserved the best.
We spent a while talking and honestly talking to Tessa was making me feel better. She understood what it was like to lose someone you love with all your heart. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. She helped me out with Zaiden and Zuri as well. We spent a while until Brooke called to tell me she was on the way to the hospital with Zola so she could see the babies. Brooke had known about Ryan's passing but Zola had no idea yet. I was bracing myself to tell her when she arrived but how do you tell an 8 year old their mother isn't coming back?
When Zola arrived I had just feeding Zaiden when she walked into the room. "Hey, Dad," she said.
"Hey, Princess," I said. "How are you?"
"Good," she said, "Are those the babies?"
"This is them," I said. "This one is Zaiden and this is Zuri," I said pointing to them.
"They're so cute," she said looking around the room. "Where's my mom? Is she taking a shower?"
"Zola, I think we need to talk," I said. "Brooke, do you mind?"
"Not at all," she said. "I'm going to run down to the gift shop."
"Thanks," I said.
"No problem. I'll be back," she said as she left the room.
"So where is my mom?"
I didn't' even know how to start it off. I was at a loss for words. Her dark brown eyes stared into mine and she blinked with her long eyelashes. She wrapped a curl from her curly brown hair around her finger as she waited for my answer. "Zola," I said holding back the tears.
"Did something happen to her?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
"What happened?"
"You see; God needed another angel and he called for your mom. When your mom was having Zaiden she got a really bad headache and it caused her to die. She passed away shortly after Zaiden was born."
"So she's in Heaven?" she asked with her dark brown eyes filling up with tears. "Why did she die?"
"Because God was looking for another angel and your mom was the most perfect angel he could find."
"Couldn't he find someone else?"
"Like I said your mom was the perfect angel in his eyes so he took her home to be with him. She's not in pain right now and she is happy."
"But I'm not, Dad, I want her to come back."
"Me too," I said, "but she won't be back. But she will always be in our hearts."
"Why did she get a headache?"
"I don't know," I said. "I wish I knew but I don't know. Zola, things happen in life that are beyond our control. We may never know why she was the perfect angel to take but we do know she is in a place where she is happy and one day we will see her again."
"I just want my mom," she said as she broke down crying. "I really want my mom. Can't you bring her back?" She began crying hysterically and there was nothing I could do for her.
"I'm sorry, Zola. I'm sorry," I said as I started to cry. "I know it hurts. I know it hurts but we're going to be okay. I promise. I am here for you and we will get through this together." That was the only option we had. WE had to get through it together as painful as it was.
"I love you, Dad."
"I love you too," I said as I continued to hug her as she cried.
*A/N: So what did you think? Please review and thank-you for taking the time to read.