I woke up, feeling rather strange. Things weren't right. I've been on a ship before, so I know precisely what we were doing: Warp travel. I knew if I were to see the outside space surrounding us, I'd see the purple blue stuff I always saw in the artwork. I don't understand why we don't let the crew see it. We just instantly shut the whole ship's outside view down.
Saddening, but that's just what it was. I moved myself up from the bed, and saw the eldar sharpening a really fancy knife. I raised an eyebrow before getting my feet on the floor. "I don't like it here," I said.
"Nobody should," was the response I got. It was unnaturally dark. One could say it was grimdark.
"I mean, we can't even look out there!"
"If one opening is made in this ship, a daemon may make its way inside. You humans still cling to the warp for travelling." Fucking arrogant pricks. I stood myself up, getting my stretches in.
"Well if you could tell us how to travel through the Webway, that'd be great." The eldar looked up at me, stopping the whole sharpening thing.
"How you know of the Webway intrigues me." Sometimes I forget a lot of this stuff isn't common Imperial knowledge.
"Yeah, the whole Infinity Circuit thing would be nice, too."
"Mon'keigh, you overstep your bounds," she practically growled as she rose slowly, knife tightly in her hand.
Yeah, I needed this for my morning. I grabbed at the laspistol that I left at my hip. I thank one of my nerd friends who played exclusively Eldar. He's the one to blame for me ruining this bitch. "And how about that Ynnead?"
I could hear something crack. "I'm going to kill you."
"Is that so?"
"It's going to be painful."
"How are you gonna do that?"
"I'm gonna smash your face."
"That's not very Eldar-like."
"And you're a know-it-all who knows too much."
I pulled out my laspistol and casually pointed it at her. "Are you aware of who you're threatening?"
"An idiot?"
"That, and the legendary void-farer," I began, "Who is known far and wide. Titans are revered less than I am." A brief smile appeared on her face. "Astartes bow before my might, for they know who I am." Once again, a smile. This one lingered. "They know my name well, as does the entirety of the navy. You would do well to remember it."
She giggled a little before asking, "And just who are you?"
"I am known by the Orks only as… Kaptin Jokah. I'z is da biggest an' da strongest 'umie dere iz!" She laughed for a solid few seconds.
"I'm still going to have to kill you."
"Can we put that off for a while?"
She actually hmm'd to that, and really considered something. "If you continue to amuse me," she said, putting the knife away, "I'll consider letting you live so long as you do not tell anyone of the secrets you know."
"Where the hell is Ynnead gonna come up in a-"
"Don't say that," she rudely interrupted.
"Okay, fine. But like, Maugan Ra is literally the only thing of the Eldar I think I'd ever talk about."
She was silent for several seconds, before sitting back down, a pouting look on her face. "Nobody ever talks about Asurmen like they do Maugan."
"Well yeah, the hell has he done? Maugan fucking destroyed an entire Tyranid invasion by himself. You can't become more badass than that." He's like the one good thing about the Eldar from what my friend told me.
"You do not know just how important Asurmen was."
"I'm not a Dire Avenger, nor a pointy-eared arrogant prick, so I don't really care." She actually looked at me for that one.
"That one hurt, Mon'keigh."
"Boo-hoo, cry me a-"
We were interrupted by a loud crackling. The voice of Korak came over the intercom.
"Good evening, crew. This is your captain, Korak Arachphro. I know you may have heard of me, maybe as some sort of boogeyman. I am your real captain, not Albertus Magilious. I have come to you with a handful of truths and one goal for us all."
"Oh god," I said.
"Yes," it continued, "I am a xenos. I am a sanctioned xenos. I am a sanctioned xenos mutant who has sought the light of the Emperor. I realize I will never attain it like you shall, but I know how I might grasp it. You may notice we are in the warp. That is a part of my grand quest."
"Oh my fucking god," I whispered.
"What?" the eldar asked, full of confusion at my despair.
"I wish to seek the Emperor's favor by slaying the chaos god Slaanesh. Everybody aboard this ship is subject to the corruption now that I have said they're name, yet I have faith in the Emperor. I have faith He shall guide us. I have faith He shall lead us. I have faith He shall be with us as we assault the Palace of Pleasure Slaanesh hides inside in a couple of hours. All crew and personnel, arm yourself. I do not care what with, but arm yourself with both an iron will and a weapon. Today is the day a true monster dies."
Welp. I guess it was about time I died. Could I even live in the warp? If so, would I just go insane the moment I step into the ocean of pinkish bluishness? Is there gravity? These questions need to be fucking answered before I go out to go 'kill Slaanesh'. How the fuck is Korak going to kill Slaanesh?! Is it just gonna punch it? These are the kind of questions that not only keep me out of the good schools, but they also keep me alive!
I pulled my hand away from laspistol at my hip. "Well, I officially give up."
"Good. That's one of countless mon'keigh down."
"Oh shut up," I groaned.
The door opened and I saw a purple lady with a claw hand. That was enough for me to fucking swan dive for my melta gun. However, as I was flying through the air, I forgot to actually look to where I put my melta.
Alas, it was too late, and I smashed into a metal wall face first. I felt a force reverberate through my body. I had a feeling I'd have been fine if I just put on my helmet. Those fucking thieves. I could hear ringing in my ears, but it quickly faded into the sounds of females struggling. I'd normally be quite happy to hear this, but uh… I know who's fighting and I know they're fighting.
Then again, daemonette of Slaanesh. Anything could happen. Anything. I turned around, my hand wrapped around my laspistol for comfort more than survival.
What a shock to find they were fighting. A part of me was disappointed. I pulled out my laspistol and looked down the sights to find a blur of vibrant blue and pale pink. It was fucking inhuman and I was kind of scared. I then thought like a true American and Imperial: It's an illegal alien either way, killing it is not a bad thing. Me: 100, America: 0.
I pulled the trigger and heard a scream of pain, which slowly turned into a moan. Well, I guess I hit the better of the two. Well, since I'm a heretic and whatnot, it might not have been the better. After all, I could have gotten some business done. Then again, Slaaneshi stuff is known to be hermaphroditic, and I'm not exactly-
Anyways, thoughts aside, the daemonette started getting annihilated by the eldar. After a couple punches, the eldar sliced the daemonette's neck and I saw it fall over, gasing for air with a pleasured look upon its weird face. I looked at the eldar, who had a few cuts on her face and armor.
"Wow, you don't look perfect anymore," I began
"I'm not in the mood," she interjected quickly and solemnly.
"It's a good look on you, really." She looked up at me in confusion.
"What?"
"What? I like my women to be rough, tough, and hard to bluff." Not really, but it's an acquired taste at this point. Like I'm gonna find a chick who ain't tough anywhere around here.
She seemed to be quiet for a moment. "I see," she commented. She then went right back to the whole knife sharpening thing. I went around my room, and I found my melta gun. That thing was gonna see some use or I'd die trying. I really don't want the latter to happen.
"Wait, hold on," I said after the longest time, "What was your name?"
"Why would I grace you with my name?"
"Just in case I want to address you respectfully."
She laughed once at that. "As if that'll happen." She went back to the whole knife thing again. Well fine, fuck you. I don't give a shit. "It's Mae'lin." Ah hell yeah. Now I just need her number.
It was finally time. I could actually hear immense amounts of sound from outside the ship. The ship had officially boarded the fucking Palace of Pleasure, and here I was, in my room with an eldar, holding onto this meltagun for dear life.
"We should probably help them."
"I seriously don't want to."
"Me neither. Fighting those things is just so… Unnerving."
"I know right?"
We made casual conversation until the door opened and in the frame was the bolter babe. "What do you want?"
"Stop mingling with the xeno. It's time to go." This was the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear.