Chapter 39.
An Eternity Ago.
It was on. Something strange was happening. It was the trouble Rose claimed was her specialty, and Grace was finally seeing her blossom under pressure. She hopped right up with the Doctor and they stormed the hallways, searching for the Ood habitat. Something had been reported as 'going wrong' there and the Doctor insisted they would find answers in the Ood.
He ran down the stairs like he owned the place, greeting Danny. "Evening!"
"Only us," Rose announced.
Danny was standing at a sort of console, on a platform above a room with well over a dozen Ood in it. They were all sitting silently on benches. Danny turned at the greeting and gave a little wave. "The mysterious trio. How are you, then? Settling in?"
The Doctor went up behind him. "Yeah, sorry, straight to business. The Ood, how do they communicate? I mean, with each other?"
Grace stood at the railing, trying again to feel something other than isolation from the Ood. Even with so many of them in the same place, it was cold down there.
"Oh, just empaths," Danny responded. "There's a low-level telepathic field connecting them. Not that that does them much good. They're basically a herd race, like cattle."
The Doctor looked at Grace. "Are you picking up anything from them? Do you feel them?"
She kept her eyes on the Ood. "No. I felt something earlier, with one of them, but those just feel… empty. Nothing. I feel nothing."
He frowned, his eyes scanning the group. "The telepathic field, can it pick up messages?"
"'Cause I was having dinner," Rose cut in, "And one of the Oods said something, well, odd."
"Hmm. An odd Ood."
Rose touched her pocket, where she had put the remains of her broken telephone. "And then I got something else on my uh… communicator thing."
"Well, be fair." Danny reached behind her, mashing a button. "We've got whole star systems burning up around us." He stepped toward the stairs, his eyes lingering on Grace. "There's all sorts of stray transmissions. Probably nothing. And what were you talking about? Feeling something from the Ood?"
The Doctor responded before she could. "Never mind that."
Danny frowned at Grace, and went on, "Look, if there was something wrong, it would show. We monitor the telepathic field. It's the only way to look after them. They're so stupid. They don't even tell us when they're ill."
Grace disliked his tone. She thought of Henry again, and the few days she had been allowed to spend with him and his daughter before the Doctor told her he would be killed. Referring to sentient beings in that way made the presence magnify.
It reacted to her. She reacted to it.
The Doctor stepped up to the console. "Monitor the field, that's this thing."
"Yeah." Danny had his eyes on his clipboard. "But like I said, it's a low-level telepathy. They only register Basic 5."
As he spoke, the numbers on the screen went up.
"Well, that's not Basic 5." The Doctor narrowed his eyes. "10. 20." He looked back. "They've gone up to Basic 30."
"But they can't."
"Doctor." Rose grabbed him. "The Ood."
Grace looked down at the rows of Ood, who were all sitting straight up now. They turned in sync toward the stairs, and looked up at the loft.
"What does Basic 30 mean?" Rose asked.
Danny was fighting with the computer. "Well, it means that they're shouting, screaming inside their heads."
The Doctor got a hand on Grace, pulling her up to the railing with him. "Or something is shouting at them. Grace, can you feel anything now?"
She wasn't sure that she wanted to.
But it was never really a choice.
She focused on one of them, on its slanted eyes looking up at her, and felt a storm gathering in its head. Its emotions, once absent, suddenly burst into the air. Fear. Pain. Loneliness. And most powerfully, most strikingly, came the rage. It was pure. It was singing. It was louder than all the voices in the room put together.
Grace staggered back and struck something hard. She hit the ground. The presence settled over her and eased the feeling, but it wasn't enough.
She was drifting, leaving, departing from herself. She felt a thick fog envelop every part, every thought, every emotion. She was cold. She was alone. Grace became lost, just a little light in an endless cloudy room.
But he pierced it at last.
He had her face in his hands, on his knees in front of her, staring at her intently. When she looked at him, she could see the green reflected in his eyes again, and it was impossible to honor his wishes. He was touching her, and his uncertainty bled through his palms.
"It's alright," he whispered urgently. "Come on. We have to get up now. Come on."
Grace put her hands over his and shook her head. "I can't."
"Yes, you can. Come on."
From below them, the Ood spoke in sync, "And you will worship him."
Grace felt another jolt of rage, accompanied by something else. A voice. It was deep, and smooth, and it ground into her head like a drill.
I am awake. And you will worship me.
She flinched.
The Doctor held on, ducking his head to keep their eyes in line. "What is it? What do you see? What do you feel?"
"The voice." It came again, with the same message. "It's so… angry."
He scanned her face. Rose appeared beside him. His voice was low and urgent. "Grace, listen to me. You have to shut it out. Shut it all out."
"What's happening to her?" Danny demanded.
"She's a telepath!" The Doctor snapped at him. "Do you have anything, uh, anything to block the field? Any kind of cover to keep the Ood from communicating?"
"We put them in masks but-" Danny got closer. "What do you mean? What's happening to her eyes? And her arms? Is she an alien?"
"Get the mask!" The Doctor focused on her again, still holding her face. He seemed to be at a loss. "What can I do?"
Grace had a hard time holding on to his voice. The announcement came again and again. It said the same thing over and over. Someone slipped something over her ears, but the sound persisted inside, even when the whole world was shut out.
The Doctor pulled the mask away. "It's not working!"
"What's wrong with her?" Rose had a hand on her as well.
Grace shut her eyes as tightly as she could, hoping to press it out, whatever it was. She felt it now, resting in the core of the planet, reaching out to her and settling in her head. The presence abandoned her. It came full force and tapped into every thought, every feeling. Briefly, it felt like she was floating above herself. The voice rumbled inside.
And then it ebbed for just a moment, long enough to let her open her eyes. The Doctor was looking at her, brown orbs reflecting green, and she recalled the memory she had shared with him. She had seen his longing, watched him search in vain through the mist for a manifestation of it, and then she had touched his face and brought it out. His tranquility was incredible. It was the best thing she had ever felt. It was the happiest she ever was. His happiness was his best quality.
Because when the Doctor felt something, it was more powerful than anything.
She wrapped her arms around him and held on tight, pouring all of her energy into him. She let him consume her thoughts, and pressed on his memories.
The happiest of them.
She saw a woman smiling warmly, and it bubbled into her chest as pure joy.
She said a name Grace could not recognize or remember. The influence of the voice was crushed in the wake of his sudden sadness. He had incredible depth. It was like diving into an ocean. She saw that face, and at the same time she felt pained, and loved, and so happy that her chest pinched up. It took her breath away.
She realized she was looking at his mother. She realized this was what it felt like to know that you were wanted, to feel a mother looking back at you with nothing but unconditional love.
When the voice was gone, she released him.
He fell back, staring at her with eyes as wide as dinner plates, completely baffled. He had a tear on his cheek. His words came out in a whisper. "How did you…?"
Rose looked between them, and rubbed Grace's arms. "Are you okay? What was that?"
"I just…" Grace wasn't sure how to describe it. She didn't know what it was, really. It was a memory, but how had she known it was there? How had she known how to access it? "I'm sorry." She tried to get up, but her legs were jelly. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I know you said-"
He got back into a crouch and grabbed one of her hands, staring intently, "No, Grace, how did you do that? No one can do that to me. No one."
"Let her go," Rose barked.
He released her, but continued his staring. He was disturbed.
He was looking at her like that again – like he was disgusted. He had done the same thing in the TARDIS when she told him how she felt about Polly's future.
Grace leaned on Rose to get up, stepping carefully away from the Doctor.
He continued his staring, and then tucked his thoughts away. He was very good at that. He shook himself and ran down the stairs, going to take a look at the Ood.
Rose whispered to Grace, "What was that? What happened?"
"I… I was in his memories."
Rose's expression darkened. "Is he…? Are you okay?"
"I think so. I think it saved me." Grace was not the type to hug. She barely touched other people. The Doctor was the closest she came to an intimate relationship. But her insides felt strange and there was a big empty spot where the voice had been in her head, and she just needed a hug. She wrapped her arms around Rose and whimpered, holding back tears. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Rose held onto her. "It's okay."
Rose was warm again, not quite as intense as the Doctor. It was more like a brief wind in the past, rolling through the fields by Henry's plantation.
Suddenly, the whole room heaved under them.
A robotic voice came on the intercom.
"Emergency hull breach. Emergency hull breach."
Danny screamed into his radio. Someone responded. The base was open.
The Doctor came back up the stairs and opened the door, ushering them through. "Get out! Let's go! Run!"
They made a frantic run through the base, to the control room. They were forced to stop in the hall, with all the other crew members. The door was not opening.
The Doctor was shouting. "Everyone alright? What happened? What was it?"
Above them, the voice came. "Breach sealed."
Mr. Jefferson responded, gasping for air. "We were open to the elements. Another couple of minutes and we'd have been inspecting that black hole at close quarters."
"That wasn't a quake," The Doctor said. "What caused it?"
Flane spoke over the radio. "We've lost sections 11 to 13. Everyone alright?"
Jefferson spoke to his wrist. "We've got everyone here except Scooti. Scooti, report." Silence. "Scooti Manista, this is an order, report."
Flane came back. "She's alright. I've picked up her biochip. She's in Habitation 3. Better go and check if she's not responding. She might be unconscious. But how 'bout that, eh? We survived."
Jefferson glanced at his wrist. "Habitation 3. Come on. I don't often say this, but I think we could all do with a drink." He headed back down the hall. "Come on."
The Doctor crouched by the last arrival. Toby. "What happened?"
He stuttered. "I don't know. I was working and then I can't remember. All that noise. The room was falling apart. There was no air."
Rose helped him up. "Come on, up you get. Come and have some Protein One."
The Doctor stood up. "You've gone native."
"Oi, don't knock it, it's nice. Protein One with just a dash of Three."
Rose walked the man down the hallway, following the others. Grace tried to go after her, but the Doctor stepped in her path. He had his hands in his duster pockets and he looked at the floor.
Grace tried to start, "Doctor-"
"What you did back there…" He glanced up, managing a serious expression along with incredulous eyes. "It was incredible. And impossible. I don't have an easy mind. Not at all. It's very complicated, actually. I understand how it happened in New Fountain. I was open to it, like a wound. But this time… how did you do that?"
"I… I don't know."
"Don't give me that. You know more than you're telling."
Grace didn't like being questioned like this. His intense stare made it hard to lie. So she went with the truth. "I just… I knew from last time… what it felt like when you remember. You were happy. I wanted that… I wanted that instead of… the voice."
"But how? How did you do it?" He raised his hands, cautious at first, and placed them on her cheeks, just like before. "And how did you…? How did you find…?"
"Your happiest memory."
Grace was captivated by his eyes. He was so intent. He was so curious. He was so sad. She knew deep down he wanted that memory back, but he was also afraid – afraid of what she could do, of what she might be. But that fear didn't keep him away. It did the opposite. He drew closer.
His voice was barely audible. "I haven't been able to remember her face since… Grace… It's like you… It's like you just reach right inside and…"
He leaned in, and instead of trying to kiss her this time, he rested his forehead against hers. He shut his eyes. His hands slid from her face to her shoulders and he exhaled. It was impossible to keep from feeling what he felt – and what he felt was beautiful.
"Can you show me again?"
Grace did her best to focus.
She reached out again, feeling the warm tendrils of his consciousness wrapping around her. It was complicated, just like he said, but also simple. He was that fiery cloud she had tracked in the compound earlier – he was burning at the center, with emotions unlike anything else. It was what made him so special, what made him so unique. His compassion, his rage, his sadness, his loneliness. He wanted so much. He wished for so much.
She thought of the woman again, and the memory came back to life.
The Doctor drew in a gasp, and smiled, and another tear dropped down his cheek. He squeezed her shoulders and laughed.
"I was eight years old… basically newborn for a Time Lord. And that was the last time I ever saw her face." He released her shoulders and wiped the tear from his cheek. "It feels like an eternity ago."
Grace looked up, curious. "Why was that the last time?"
He smiled at her again, and ran the back of his index finger down the line of her eye. The way he was looking at her was impossible. It touched her soul.
"We should get back to them. Crisis and all."
She swallowed, reluctant to leave this intimate moment behind. But he was right.
Her thoughts lingered on the woman, and the fire burning inside the Doctor. She tried to convince herself that she was going to tell him what she had done, that he deserved to know, because he trusted her, but then she thought of never seeing that look in his eyes again. She couldn't take that. He was the only person in the universe who looked at her like that.