とある羽毛の重量

Toaru Umō no Jūryō

A Certain Weight of Feathers

September 30th, 10:47PM

A Certain Hospital

"Once upon a time there was a little dove. At a young age this dove was thrown out of its nest and left to fend for itself. For a short while the dove, hurt not only from the fall but from its time in the nest, stumbled around the woods until one day it came across a pond. In this pond the dove saw its own reflection. It called out to this reflection, desperate for someone, anyone.

"And the reflection answered.

"It was like this for a long time, with the dove speaking and the reflection listening. The dove told it's reflection how it wished to fly and the reflection tried to ensure that one day the dove would be able to do just that.

"Flying was the dove's one wish and the bird would only be happy if she could do that. To the dove flying was happiness.

"In its attempt to fly the dove tried many things. It borrowed the feathers of the hawk that watched over the forest but found that the small feathers it had given weren't enough to make the dove willing to flap it's wings and soar. It borrowed the feathers of the swan that floated on the pond but the feathers pricked and hurt the dove more than they helped. The dove tried to soar but the feathers slowly fell off and the dove, losing its confidence in its ability to fly, crashed into the ground once more.

"So it went to the wise owl that lived in the woods and asked for his feathers but even with all its might it could not lift the ever growing array of plumage the dove was collecting and the feathers could only help the dove to glide, not to fly.

"It borrowed the feathers of the knowledgeable raven that scavenged and cawed in her sight alone, but she was too afraid of the stigma that the jet black feathers carried and so buried them within the feathers it had gotten from the other birds.

"However each feather that the dove gathered only served to weigh it down, their presence doing nothing but hindering her in her goal.

"The reflection knew this. Though seemingly carrying the same burden, to the reflection the feathers that piled on top of it were mere images on the water, unhelpful to flight but weightless. The reflection knew that it was the weight and presence of these feathers that prevented the dove from flying, the reflection knew that the only feathers the dove required were its own.

"The weightless reflection knew that flying would be an easy matter if only the dove were as weightless as the reflection itself. But though the reflection knew the secret to flying it was unable to fly itself, forever stuck to the water it was. But the reflection wanted the dove to fly nonetheless and so tried to tell her that it was because she had laden herself with all these useless feathers that she was unable to fly, but the dove only replied that because the reflection could not fly it would not know how.

"The dove so honestly believed that these feathers were vital to flying, so one day when she saw the swan flying off from the pond the dove collected its feathers and tried to fly after her, throwing itself off a cliff in an attempt to catch up to the swan.

"But as the air rushed past the dove all its feathers were blown off one by one. When the last had been ripped off by the gusting wind the dove gave up, not even opening its wings to prevent it from plummeting to the hard ground below."

"and the reflection was left all alone," Kuro finished her story.

A white handkerchief entered her field of view. "For your tears," said Heaven Canceler.

"They're not my tears," Kuro sobbed, "they're Shiro's tears... and I can't stop them... She's given up. She's given up on everything. She told me that the body was mine now. She said that unlike her I have something to live for... The tears haven't stopped since then." She sighed as she wiped the tears away only for the droplets of water to return to the tear ducts from when they came, recalled to her body by magic like her blood and flesh.

"I tried to talk to her for three hours... she didn't listen. She was just reliving a three second loop of memory, of that pereskia telling her that she loves her. She's never going to listen... never going to come back... She told me I can call on her if I need help, like I always provided her with. But that's it."

More sobs racked Kuro's form. They might be Shiro's tears but it was definitely Kuro that was crying right now, "dammit... why did she do this to me? Such a hypocrite... she's like this because the most important person in the world to her abandoned her, but doesn't she realize that she's the most important person in my world and she is abandoning me?"

"I'm alone now... I've never been alone... She's always been there for me... and now she's gone. Dammit, she only knew the pereskia for a year. I've been there for her since she was six! Why is the pereskia more important to her than I am? Why does she love her more than me?"

Heaven Canceler didn't know what to say or do to help. Shiro was in the depths of despair and despair was the most harmful emotion that a person could feel. When someone gave up on everything there was nothing that could be done for them. Not even time was a guaranteed solution to despair.

But though he couldn't do anything for Shiro, perhaps he could do something for Kuro... Loneliness was far easier to help someone get past than despair.

"No one is ever alone, the very fact that you could come here and tell me that story shows that you have me at the very least, and I know you have other people who care about you as well."

A face appeared in Kuro's mind. "yes... you are right... Thank you. I'll be going now." She said with a bow as she turned to leave the hospital.

Heaven Canceler frowned, thinking back to her story as he looked out of the window to watch her walk down the street. He glanced at the raven perched on the girl's shoulders. "I hate birds..." the doctor sighed.

"What do you want Prometheus?" She asked the bird as she walked down the street with him on her shoulder.

"Nothing. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, like I've been since you were born." The bird said.

"Yes... I suppose since you're like me you can't leave..." It was slightly comforting but the bird was not enough for Kuro. She needed something else, she needed someone else.

She needed the person she found herself clinging to several minutes later.

"He was right... I'm not alone. I have you right? You'll never leave me will you? you'll never leave me alone... I don't want to be alone anymore."

Unsurprisingly there was no verbal response by the mute Oneeni, but she did feel the head that rested on her own shake in assurance despite the confusion that was obvious enough that Kuro didn't even need to look at her to see that it was written all over her face.

"Shiro's gone," Kuro explained, "The pereskia consumed her in despair and she decided to just give up. On life, on me, on everything. She won't talk to me anymore. She was left by the one she loves so she decided to leave me despite the fact that I love her more than the pereskia ever did. You're the only other person I've ever loved and I need you right now. i need you to be here for me. I don't want to be alone anymore."

She felt Oneeni let go of her and a few seconds later she felt the clone put ear buds in her ear and music began playing in her ear.

"You're the first one

When things turn out bad

You know I'll never be lonely

You're my only one

And I love

The things that you do

You're my best friend

Ooo, you make me live."

Kuro looked up at Oneeni who began signing at her. "Even when I was surrounded by all the clones I always felt lonely near the end. People I cared about were always leaving me and they would never return. Music always helped me to cope with it. How can someone feel alone when they have a voice in their ear constantly? I'll always stay by your side, so please... don't cry..." the clone told her, tears shining in her own eye. Despite not really understanding it, she always found herself crying when she someone else cry.

Kuro found herself with a slight smile as she sniffled and wiped the tears from the other girl's face, "I made the right choice..." She said out loud. Then she rested her head on the clone's chest, "Let's go to bed... I'm feeling really tired for some reason..."

Oneeni picked her up and carried her to the bedroom where she placed her on the bed before going to the closet and picking out some pajamas for the two of them. Kuro changed into the proffered outfit sedately, focusing on the voices issuing from the ear buds, pretending that they were Shiro's voice.

Once she had finished changing into her own set of pajamas Oneeni walked back to the bed and tucked herself and Kuro-sama in. The shockingly vulnerable girl instantly clutched the clone tightly to her, burying her face in the crook between neck and head where her quiet sobs could be further muffled.

Oneeni hadn't seen such despair since she led the first few clones to their fate or indeed the despair she herself had felt when she saw the other clones getting cut up. The feeling had been so consuming back then but she had been lucky enough to have someone to pull her out of it. Now it was her turn to pull another person out of the deep, nigh inescapable pit that was called despair. She couldn't offer comforting words but she could offer a shoulder to cry into. Certainly it was the least she could do for Kuro-sama, the person who had done so much for her and the person who she loved even more than the other clones.

The warmth of the person she held as well as the contentment she felt at her resolution to help soon lulled her to sleep.

Though Kuro felt tired she could not bring herself to fall asleep... no it was more that she was terrified of doing so. She knew sleep would bring nothing but pain. No matter what happened in her unconscious mind she knew she would not like the result.

A nightmare where the worst possible scenarios were brought to light would do nothing but throw her into a deeper despair. A pleasant dream would get her hopes up only to have them crushed when she awoke.

But even more than that she was terrified of what might happen when she woke up. If Kuro were to be honest sleep had always scared her. Every time Shiro fell asleep Kuro wondered if this time she would be gone when the other girl woke up. She was nothing but a dream after all, one that she knew Shiro must eventually wake from.

She had accepted that possibility long ago. She had always thought that oblivion was where she belonged. When she finished her duties she would lapse back into the oblivion from where she came, and indeed this is what she thought she strove for.

But this had never been true. She never longed to go back into that state of rest that she went to when Shiro no longer needed her, she was just more afraid of somehow hurting Shiro or being hurt in turn than she was of not being there at all.

Compared to Shiro Kuro had always been a weak coward hiding, behind the numbness to escape any pain and putting on a facade of bravery and strength. But now that she had Oneeni and that veil of numbness had been shattered her true self was revealed. The oblivion she had once sought now scared her more than anything because it meant more than just her death, it meant Oneeni's as well. Oneeni was as much a dream as herself and if she were to disappear Oneeni would as well.

Kuro wouldn't sleep tonight, she would never sleep again. She couldn't stand dreams and she couldn't stand waking up. As long as she focused only on what she felt now it wouldn't slip away. Even if what she felt was a pain greater than anything she could possibly imagine the warmth of the girl next to her would let her soldier through it.

October 1st, 7:12AM

Bedroom, Kuroko's Residence

For some reason Kuro couldn't summon the will to get out of bed. The crushing loneliness was still persistent, needling. It's pain was reduced from yesterday with the physical presence of Oneeni and the constant buzz of voices in her ear, but it was still there.

Oneeni looked at the girl, having just woken up. "Would you like me to make breakfast?" she signed.

"No... I don't feel that hungry right now..." Kuro replied as she slowly trailed her hand along the clone's side and kissed her neck, "i just want her and I just want you..." She had always reprimanded Kuroko for trying to feel better by having physical intimacy with the pereskia. It wasn't healthy to associate sex with emotional pain. But right now she just wanted Oneeni's warmth. She wanted to feel like someone was there. She knew the clone would be more than willing.

But...

"But it's not my body..." she said, "I can't give away her first time..."

Oneeni nodded, as understanding as Kuro knew she would be.

"I'll trust you and I to know when to stop," Kuro compromised, giving into her need while still keeping Shiro in mind, despite the fact that it was a little doubtful whether the teleporter would ever return.

She felt a stab of despair and tried to bury it in a passionate kiss with Oneeni, who was all too happy to return it.

October 2nd, 9:15AM

Kitchen, Kuroko's Residence

The pain and depression had faded enough that Kuroko could get out of bed today. Currently she was sitting on Oneeni's lap as the clone ate her breakfast. Despite offering to prepare it Kuro decided to do it instead after a failed attempt by Oneeni caused a small grease fire in the pan. She was as skilled as the pereskia when it came to cooking it seemed.

Oneeni offered some to Kuro but she refused, not feeling able to choke down any food right now despite her fasting yesterday, a stark contrast to the clone who was wolfing it down as fast as she was able to with the other girl on her lap.

During this meal Kuro was looking through the library of songs on the device that Oneeni had given her before deciding that music wasn't what she wanted at all and began looking through audio books instead.

Her eyes fell upon the title of one book and she began to sob gently again., causing Oneeni to abandon her meal with reluctance but no hesitation in order to comfort her again. The sobbing soon ceased as Kuro uploaded the book she had seen, Don Quixote, and began to listen to it.

It was the first story that Shiro had ever read to her. It had been back when she had first appeared and Shiro treated her as an imaginary friend.

She paused the audiobook and retrieved a real copy from her horn, "Oneeni... would you like to hear a story?"

The clone hesitated for a second before Kuro added, "after breakfast of course," to which the clone nodded and finished scarfing down her food.

When that was done Kuro read her Don Quixote in its entirety. She stumbled over many lines, each of which either holding memories or relevance, such as the paragraph "They must take me for a fool, or even worse, a lunatic. And no wonder ,for I am so intensely conscious of my misfortune and my misery is so overwhelming that I am powerless to resist it and am being turned into stone, devoid of all knowledge or feeling," to which Kuro felt such a strong connection to at this particular moment.

But still, the story was a comforting one to Kuro. It reminded her of more pleasant times and gave her hope for the future. Oneeni was also happy to hear Kuro feeling better. Though she didn't like the story nearly as much as the other girl did it was nevertheless her favorite book now, if only because it could get even a despairing Kuro to smile.

October 3rd, 6:42PM

Bathroom, Kuroko's Residence

Kuro sat in the bath in between Oneeni's legs while the clone eagerly tended to her hair and skin like a skilled beautician. Kuro simply sat there sedately as the other girl went about her business, lost in this world of warmth, this world of Oneeni and her.

Kuro did not know or care about what was going on outside, what effects the disappearance of the scourge had wrought. She was cut off from any attempts to reach her and she did not care to make any effort to remedy this situation.

Shiro had chosen to vanish without a word a note or a trace and Kuro didn't care about anyone enough to contact them and ease their worries. She did not care enough to maintain her duties. She did not care enough to want to stop the Skill Out uprising even if she knew what was going on.

Aleister, the only person whom it was important to keep in contact with, would be able to contact her easily regardless of whether or not she had a phone or something like that. Other than that she was dead to the world and didn't care one bit. Oneeni was the only person she needed right now.

She leaned back to rest her head on the clone's chest. Oneeni was a little annoyed at the movement, which made it much harder to finish up, but the head resting against her was also comforting so she was willing to work around the inconvenience to keep it there.

In her head she prayed again for Kuro and herself. Though Kuro-sama didn't believe it she saw as the other girl improved and knew that God must be helping her along.

Just as he had sent her an angel long ago She had now been chosen to be the angel for someone else. And God gave her the strength and ability to comfort the one she loved in this time of need.

'Of course,' Oneeni thought as she frowned and continued to work, 'Being in the depths of despair doesn't mean one needs to look sloppy. One of the first steps to feeling good is ensuring you look good after all. It's a good thing she has me here to look after her appearance as well as her well being.'

'And I'll be here for here until the day I die,' the clone decided as she kissed the top of the girl's head, just recently cleared of the shampoo foam and thus tasting vaguely of suds and orchids.

October 4th, 3:17PM

Living Room, Kuroko's Residence

On the fourth day Kuro was focused on recovering her ability to function and go on missions. She found that she was able to utilize Shiro's powers on a very limited scale by forcing Shiro's soul to become active without bothering her mind. If the equations for her teleportation was provided either by Kuro doing them herself or by using the chip then Shiro's soul would automatically do them without bothering Shiro.

Of course this was impossible to use in combat because it gave a not insignificant window of opportunity for people to attack her while her body was controlled by neither Shiro nor Kuro. Not only that but since Kuro wasn't nearly as practiced at doing the equations it was probably faster to simply walk to her destination rather than teleport there. Still it did allow her to go down to the network of secret tunnels that formed Old Academy City which would allow her to travel without detection. It would also allow her to travel in the same way as before without having to call up Shiro and make her suffer through the several minutes of consciousness that such a move would cause.

While Kuro longed for her presence she knew that it would hurt Shiro far too much. And since she always put Shiro before herself she decided to call her up for emergencies only.

By the fifth day Kuro was finally ready to don her armor once more. Maybe, just maybe, along the way she'd find something to make Shiro come back and they could be together again. Things would surely get better. She had Oneeni and she had Aleister and she knew neither would betray them.

Aleister had helped her once in the past, surely he could help again. Indeed, as important as Oneeni was to Kuro right now she was fairly sure that only the magician could help Shiro now. but Kuro was confident he would, after all, Aleister cared for Shiro and Kuro both.

Between the Lines: 12

September 30th, 11:02 PM

The Windowless Building

"Once upon a time there was a forest full of towering trees and many many birds. Perched upon the tallest tree was an owl with feathers as white as snow. This owl was king of the forest charged with looking after the well being of all the other birds that lived in the forest. But the owl did not care about the forest, he only cared for the whiteness of his feathers. He was so absorbed in maintaining his own feathers that he had no time to care about any of the birds in the forest.

"Then one day this owl spotted a little dove alone in its nest on the edge of the forest. The doves pure white plumage reminded the heartless owl of the thing that it loved most, its beautiful ivory feathers. So this owl went down and pushed the dove out of its nest so that it would wander into the owl's kingdom.

As it was walking around the owl's kingdom, the dove began walking towards a cliff. The dove was looking up at the sky so it did not see the cliff, but the owl could see everything from his perch. He considered going to warn the dove about the cliff then he had a better idea.

You see, the little dove wanted nothing more than to learn how to fly but the owl thought that if the dove was allowed to learn how then the dove might fly away from the owl. So the owl did not tell the dove of this cliff, instead he went there and waited for the dove to fall. When the dove fell the owl was sure to be there to catch the dove, but not before the fall injured one of the dove wings, hindering its ability to ever fly again.

"But the dove did not know this is what had happened, so she looked up to this owl that had saved it. She looked up to him so much that she was willing to be taken under the owl's wing and followed his every order. The dove went here and there throughout the owl's forest and others cleaning up the owl's messes for it so that the owl could preen itself and keep its feathers white as the driven snow. Of course the strain on the doves wings that such constant running around caused was only making the doves dream of flying harder and harder to reach.

However the owl was too busy preening its feathers to notice the dove's state, so one day the owl asked the dove to do a task for it at the bottom of a tall canyon, assuming that the dove's wing was healed by this point.

"And the dove trusted this owl so much that she jumped without a second thought. 'Why would the owl send her on a mission that she would not come back from?' She thought.

But as would have been obvious if the owl had only looked, the dove had no hope of surviving. She plummeted to the ground and died. And as the owl, now drenched in the dove's blood, looked upon her broken body he found himself sad at the fact that his beautiful white feathers were now scarlet red. He went back to his tree to try and clean his feathers but it turns out that that blood was never able to be washed off and the owls precious whiteness faded with the only bird in the forest that had ever loved that owl."

Aleister spare a momentary glance towards his associate as the latter finished their story. The associate now waited for a response. Would the magician admit guilt, regret, remorse at what he had done? Would he perhaps assure the associate that the dove was not dead only injured, and that all wounds would heal in time? Or would he...

August 30th,11:13PM

Heaven Canceler's Hospital

"Well," asked the aged doctor to the associate as the latter walked into the room where Heaven Canceler was treating Last Order, "what was his response."

"All blood can be washed out," the associate quoted.

The doctor sighed, "he has lost the last vestiges of his humanity..."

"Indeed, he is going the way of my father. What are you going to do?"

"Until she dies it has a chance of success, and if it has a chance of success than I am under obligation to ensure he survives. But if Kuroko dies then I shall ensure that Aleister shares her fate, patient or not." Heaven Canceler decided, an eerie feeling weighing down upon him that told him that this was not an unlikely or far off event.

Author's Note: One of the comments for last chapter theorized that a break-up would be happening this chapter, this is unarguably more of a break down.

I admit to crying several times while writing this chapter. The idea of losing what is most important to you, of being so saddened that you don't want to live anymore, that kind of thing is so foreign to me and yet because I'm writing about it it impacts me as if it happened to me instead of the characters.

Anyway I know this chapter is a bit shorter than usual but I felt that adding anything to pad the length would detract from the message of the chapter. In exchange, however, I did manage to get it out quite quickly...