Severus froze, his teacup suspended in midair. "What?"
He'd heard what she'd said, of course… five little words that kept echoing through his mind, increasing in volume as if trying to match his rising panic.
Why do you hate Harry?
Meanwhile, Lily looked horrified, pressing a hand to her mouth as she stared back at him through wide green eyes. Her eyes. His eyes. That boy who was the image of his father in every possible way, except for those damnable eyes.
"I don't… " he started, struggling to formulate a response.
"I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. You don't have to tell me… I mean, I guess we should talk about it sooner or later, but I shouldn't have… I didn't… "
"Lily? You're babbling." Somehow her anxiety made him feel a little calmer.
"Sorry," she muttered, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "It's just… I didn't mean to just blurt it out like that."
"Nonetheless, it's a valid question. One that deserves an answer, even if I don't quite know how to give you one."
"You really don't have to… "
Severus leaned forward, setting his teacup on the table. Of course, there were no shortage of reasons as to why Potter had been the bane of his existence for the past six years. Far longer, really, when considering that he'd disliked the boy long before he'd ever set eyes on him. But what could he say? How could he possibly explain himself without alienating her in the process?
"I don't… hate him."
"You don't?"
"No," he said more firmly, surprised that there was a fair amount of truth to his words. "Granted, I don't like him. I won't lie about that. I've never liked him. But hatred? I wouldn't go that far. I tend to reserve that particular emotion for those I'd rather see dead. Whatever issues I might have with Pott… your son, I wish him no harm."
Lily nodded, her expression unreadable. "I know you don't. After everything you've done to protect him… "
"That wasn't for his sake," Severus said before he could stop himself. "What I mean is, that was part of the bargain. Switching sides, staying out of Azkaban. It was my duty, for lack of a better word."
"It was more than that."
"Well, yes. I'd love nothing more than to see the Dark Lord fall. If the boy has the power to make that happen, the least I can do is… "
"Why him?" she suddenly burst out. "I've seen a lot over the years, but the one thing I still don't understand is why it has to be Harry. Just because he's a target? Because of that stupid prophecy? Why not send him into hiding? Why didn't Dumbledore do that years ago? Why aren't the Order out hunting for these Horcruxes, rather than leaving it in the hands of a teenager? He's barely more than a child!"
"Lily… "
"Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised," she continued as if she hadn't heard him, her eyes blazing with fury. "Leaving Harry with my bitch of a sister. Letting him face that Quirrell when he was only 11 years old. 11! And then the next year, endangering him and all the other children when they should've been sent home! Dumbledore let Harry go down to that chamber, he let him… "
"He had his reasons," Severus interrupted, at a loss.
"Oh yes, I'm sure he did. You know what I think? I think he enjoyed it. Moving Harry around like a pawn, treating him like his personal attack dog. Goading and manipulating him into… "
"Teaching him how to protect himself."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "By putting him in mortal danger?"
"I know it seems… "
"It seems like hiring competent Defense professors would've been a far more sensible approach. Letting him learn how to protect himself in a safe environment. Not sticking him with buffoons like that Lockhart, then turning a blind eye when he went running off after basilisks and suspected murderers. How can you excuse that?"
"I don't. Believe me, I've questioned Dumbledore's actions many times. He was rather… less cautious than I would've been. Nonetheless, I'm sure he did the best he could. What he felt like he had to do."
"Maybe you're right." Lily paused, letting out a shuddering sigh. "Anyway, there's no changing it now, is there? I just hope that Harry, wherever he is… I hope he's okay. Have you heard anything?"
"No," Severus said quietly. "I haven't."
"Well, that's a good thing, isn't it? I mean, if something had happened to him… "
"I'd know about it."
"And you'd tell me, wouldn't you?" She leaned forward and clutched his hand, sending a shiver up his spine at the unexpected contact. "Promise you'll tell me if it comes to that."
Severus knew what he needed to do. Tell her the truth, that her son was destined to die. If nothing else, it would clear up her confusion, help her understand why the boy had been thrust into the thick of things right from the start. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not with those beautiful eyes gazing into his, unguarded and filled with trust.
Giving her hand a gentle squeeze, he said, "If I hear anything, you'll be the first to know."
"Thank you."
They sat in silence for a while, Severus idly sipping his tea while Lily leaned her head against the couch, her eyes half closed. He should've asked if she was tired, perhaps suggested that she go on to bed. Indeed, he was rather exhausted himself. But he hated the thought of being separated from her, even if she was only in the other room. He was growing used to her presence now, but he still had moments where he was struck all over again by the notion that she was too good to be true, that he'd wake up to discover that it had all been a dream.
Besides, they still had so much to talk about. Not the boy, perhaps – he was glad he'd managed to extricate himself from that particular line of questioning. But everything else? All those things he'd promised himself he'd ask her if ever given the chance?
Now here she was… Lily in the flesh, and he could only think of a single question.
"Lily?"
"Hmmm?"
"What happened? That night in Godric's Hollow… "
All traces of drowsiness disappeared as she sat straight up, an expression flickering across her face that could only be described as haunted.
"Forgive me," he said hastily. "I shouldn't have asked."
"No, it's all right," she responded, giving him a wan smile. "I'm just not sure what to say about it. It was… painful. Terrifying. But more than anything? Confusing. I still don't understand why he did what he did. Why would he cast a spell that might've saved me? All these years, and it still doesn't make sense."
Severus sucked in a sharp breath. "I asked him to spare you."
"You did?"
"Yes, of course."
"Only me?"
"Lily, I couldn't have saved the boy no matter what I'd said. Surely you must realize that."
"I know." She hesitated, then said, "Did you really think that would work? That I'd just… stand aside while he killed my baby?"
"No, but I had to try. There was always a chance he might've Stunned you, or… I don't know." He shifted uncomfortably, not daring to meet her eyes. "It was the only option I had."
"I would've hated you for it, you know. If I'd lost Harry, I wouldn't have wanted to live."
Her words sent a cold chill up his spine, though his reaction had nothing to do with the past. No, he could only think about the future, what it would do to her when she learned that her son would have to die at Voldemort's hand. The fact that she'd despise him for keeping the truth from her was bad enough. But knowing that she might get herself killed in a futile attempt to save the boy? That was infinitely worse.
"That night," she began, her face taking on a faraway expression. "He yelled at me to run – James, that is. Told me to take the baby and run. I don't know where he thought I was supposed to go. I guess he was speaking out of panic, because there were anti-apparition wards on the house. I took Harry to the bedroom, locked the door, tried to block it. As if that would make any difference. Before I knew it, there was a cloaked figure standing right in front of me, telling me to get out of the way. When I refused, he lifted his wand, and… I can't even describe what happened next. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced… "
Severus nodded, resisting the urge to speak as he waited for her to continue.
"The next thing I knew, I was outside. I had no idea what was going on, or why everything was so much bigger than it should've been. I didn't know what to think, what to do. But then I saw someone coming, and… "
"Who?" he asked, though he already knew the answer.
"You. I followed you into the house. Attached myself to your boot and let you carry me, really. You went up the stairs and that's when I saw James. I already assumed he was dead, of course. But seeing him like that… " She trailed off, a single tear trickling down her cheek. "You went into the bedroom, and I… well, you know what happened next."
Severus flinched, struck by a vivid memory of clutching her broken body to his chest. Sobbing his fucking eyes out, ranting and cursing and apologizing like a goddamned broken record, as if that could've reversed what had happened. Knowing that Lily had been there, alive, witnessing what was perhaps the most vulnerable moment of his life? His grief… his agony. The gut wrenching remorse of knowing that he had done this to her… that she was dead as a result of his actions, no matter how unintentional those actions had been.
"Severus," she whispered. Only then did he realize that he was cringing away from her, his face averted in shame. "Severus, look at me. Please."
He couldn't resist her. Even now, when he would've rather endured the Cruciatus than look her in the eye, it never even crossed his mind to refuse. He looked up to find her gazing at him with eyes full of compassion, felt her touch his hand as she spoke again.
"It wasn't your fault."
He laughed, a harsh, humorless sound that echoed off the walls.
"Really, it wasn't. You did your best to save me, you… "
"I'm the one who gave the fucking prophecy to the Dark Lord!" he hissed, feeling the blood drain from his face as the words left his mouth. He hadn't meant to say it, would've preferred to go to his grave without her ever knowing the truth. But he couldn't stand her sympathy, couldn't bear to have her exonerate him for a crime she wasn't even aware of.
"I know that. But you… "
"What?" He stared at her, dumbstruck. "You knew? How? All these years, I've never spoken of it. Not once."
Her fingers were curled around his now, tightening their grip as he tried to pull away. "It was the end of last year. The night that Dumbledore… I was following Harry through the halls when he ran into Trelawney. Isn't that her name?"
"Yes. Wretched woman."
"Sounds about right. Anyway, she seemed a bit drunk, started babbling about the night Dumbledore hired her, and… "
"So the boy knows, too? Bloody fantastic."
Lily nodded. "He was pretty upset. Went straight to Dumbledore's office to demand an explanation."
"Naturally," Severus said, suppressing a flash of irritation. "And what did Dumbledore say?"
"That you'd made a mistake," she said quietly. "A terrible mistake. That you had no idea who the prophecy referred to, that you were horrified when you realized we were the targets. Isn't that the truth?"
"Yes. But he swore he'd never speak of it, that the boy would never… "
"That was all he said, Severus. Harry tried to push the issue, but Dumbledore wouldn't budge. Told Harry that he trusted you completely and refused to answer any further questions."
Unable to help himself, Severus snorted. "I'm sure that went over well."
"Very."
"But if you knew about the prophecy, how… I mean, why… ?"
"Why aren't I angry?" she said, staring down at their joined hands. "Why do I choose to trust you rather than hating you forever?"
"Yes. Fuck, Lily, I destroyed your life! Because of me, you were almost killed… hell, for all intents and purposes, you were killed. You lost everything, and I… "
"Did you point your wand at me and scream the Killing Curse?"
He shook his head. "No, of course not. I would never… but you wouldn't have been targeted in the first place if I hadn't… "
"Are you so sure of that?"
"If I hadn't been listening at the door, if I hadn't… "
"That prophecy put me in danger the moment it was spoken. It's easy to think I would've been better off if you hadn't overheard it that night, but it would've come out one way or another. These things always do. Trelawney could've blurted it out in the middle of Diagon Alley. Someone else with her powers might've repeated it somewhere. Or someone could've found it in the Department of Mysteries… weren't Death Eaters working at the Ministry at the time?"
"Yes, but… "
She smiled, tilting her head to one side in a gesture as familiar as it was endearing. "You see? Who's to say what might've happened? What you did had consequences, yes… but for all we know, the alternative could've been worse."
"Worse?" He frowned. "How so?"
"You went straight to Dumbledore. You asked him to hide us, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"I thought so. Now imagine if someone else had reported the prophecy to You-Know-Who. We wouldn't have gone into hiding, would've been blindsided when he came for Harry. Hell, there's a good chance I wouldn't have even been home at the time, since I would've still been working for the Order. Knowing that my baby would've died without my protection… alone and scared, and… "
"Please, Lily," Severus said softly, reaching up to brush a tear from her cheek. "Don't cry. I understand what you're saying. I do. But if the prophecy had never been revealed… "
"Then I still would've been stuck in the middle of a war with no end in sight. Targeted because of my blood status, prophecy or no. I would've kept fighting for the Order, and sooner or later, I probably would've died… like so many of my friends had already done. I might've been tortured, raped… "
"All right," he said, holding up a hand to stop her. "I get the point."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
"And you wonder why I don't hate you?"
He stared back at her in silence, unsure of what to say.
"It was a war, Severus. You only did what anyone would've done in your situation. You couldn't have known what the consequences would be. What matters is what you did in the aftermath. You were willing to risk your life to protect us, which you've been doing ever since. How could I hate you?"
"Lily, I… " There was a hot prickling behind his eyes that had nothing to do with exhaustion. "I'm still sorry. What you suffered, everything you lost… I'm so sorry."
She shook her head, her lips curving into a wistful smile. "I'm not. I was given the chance to protect my child. To stop a war, saving hundreds of innocent lives. You gave me that, whether you realized it or not. And while I would've been happy to sacrifice myself, you found another way to save me. He would've never cast that second spell if it wasn't for you. I wouldn't have gotten to see my son grow up, wouldn't have… god, Severus. To think you have anything to apologize for… "
Without understanding how it had happened, he was in her arms, his face pressed against the curve of her neck. And then he couldn't help himself, his body heaving with harsh, shuddering breaths as he clung to her like a lifeline, soaking her skin with his tears.
"I'm s-sorry… "
"Shhh," Lily murmured, holding him closer as she rubbed his back in soothing circles. "It's all right."
Perhaps he should've felt ashamed of himself. But he was beyond that now, desperate for comfort in a world that had taught him never to expect such things. Surrounded by people who were blind to his grief, his regrets, knew nothing of the bitter remorse that had haunted his every waking moment for the past sixteen years.
Only Dumbledore had known the truth, but had he ever understood? No… the surprise on his face when Severus had produced his Patronus stood as proof of that.
No one had ever seen him for who he truly was, had ever cared… except Lily.
Lily, who had more reason than anyone to turn her back on him. Lily, who'd seen his ugly mistakes and deepest regrets laid bare and hadn't recoiled in horror. Lily, who'd offered him her acceptance… her forgiveness… healing wounds that had festered for half a lifetime with that simple act of kindness.
Severus didn't know how long he stayed in her arms. Long enough to fall apart completely, weeping like a child as she murmured soft words of comfort. She was still holding him when he managed to pull himself together, utterly exhausted yet more relaxed than he'd felt in years. And he was still there when that relaxation gave way to tension of a different sort, a growing awareness of their close proximity… her warmth, her softness, the sweet fragrance of lavender in her hair…
The steady rise and fall of her chest.
He lifted his head, nearly laughing aloud as he caught sight of her face. She'd fallen asleep, legs draped across his lap, head resting against the back of the couch. An awkward position, to say the least, though she looked peaceful enough.
"Come on," he said softly. "Let's get you to bed."
Scooping her into his arms, he carried her to the bedroom, lowering her to rest among the pillows. She didn't stir at all… not until he brushed a lock of hair away from her forehead, then turned to walk away.
"Stay," she mumbled. "Please."
Unable to think of a single reason why he shouldn't, he shed everything but his trousers then slipped into bed beside her, careful to leave a respectful distance between them. But then he heard the rustle of sheets, followed by the weight of her head on his shoulder as she pressed herself against his side.
"Goodnight, Severus."
It didn't mean anything. He knew that. Completely platonic, just as it had always been.
But somehow, at least for tonight, it was enough.