Chapter 38

Blaine's POV

I ran up the stairs as fast as my legs would allow me and barged through the desired door. Despite my heart racing the way it was, I breathed a sigh of relief. All of Sebastian's stuff was still here, meaning he would have to come back. Meaning I would have one chance to apologize; possibly only one chance.

I hated myself so much right now. I had noticed Sebastian the second he had walked into that coffee shop; I had seen when that guy went and sat across from him; I had seen when Santana started arguing with him; I had seen when Kurt got up and joined them; I had seen when Santana punched Sebastian. And through all of this, I did absolutely nothing. I hadn't even defended Sebastian when everyone else ganged up on him. There was no denying how much a douchebag I was.

For the fifth time in the last two hours I tried calling Sebastian, but just like all the other times, he didn't answer. I heaved a sigh and threw myself down on the couch, waiting anxiously for him to come back.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, since the next thing I knew it was dark outside and there was a noise coming from upstairs. I got up and made my way to the spare bedroom; sure enough, there was the former Warbler hurriedly packing all of his remaining possessions into a backpack. He must have heard me coming up the stairs, but he obviously chose to ignore me, since he kept his back facing me and didn't say a single word.

"Sebastian." I said.

He visibly tensed up at my mention of his name, but he still remained quiet.

"Sebastian." I repeated slightly louder.

"What?" He snapped.

"Are you ever going to look at me?"

"Not planning on it, no." He said as he stuffed a toothbrush into his bag.

"I really need to talk to you." I pressed.

"No, you want to apologize. Well let me spare you the trouble by saying that I don't give an F-ing damn about your sorry. So please just let me finish packing in peace so I can get out of here."

"Where are you planning on going?"

"A local drug lord offered me sanctuary at his factory. I'm going to live down there until I can start a business of my own; yeah, I'm thinking of becoming a mercenary."

"I'm serious. You can't stay in your car."

"I have money now, remember? I don't have to." Sebastian replied venomously.

"Oh trust me, I know." I mumbled to myself.

He carried on ignoring me as he slung the backpack over his one shoulder, and his duffel bag over the other. He no longer had a choice but to face me, since I was standing in the doorway. I was surprised to see that his eyes were completely devoid of anger, but I wasn't surprised to see that sadness was the substitute for said anger.

Sebastian took a deep breath before saying, "Goodbye, Blaine."

"I'm not moving until you talk to me." I said with resolution.

"This again." He groaned.

"Yes, this again. I screwed up today, Seb. I really did. But I'm so-"

"If you say sorry, I swear I'll eat my ears. I told you that I don't want your apology. Right now, all I want is to get out of here." He spoke in a tired voice.

"Why won't you just let me say what I need to say?" I asked.

"Because I don't want to forgive you. If I do, then we'll just go back to what we were before."

"And what's wrong with that?" I took a step forward.

"It was a lie. I falsely believed that I could trust you; but today you proved to me that I can't." He shrugged.

I did my best not to pay attention to the pang of hurt that came with Sebastian's words. I hadn't been aware of how much pain my actions had brought him.

"You can trust me! Today was-"

"Today was what? Are you going to tell me that it didn't count?"

"No, I wasn't going to say that-"

"Then what? You know, I could have looked past the fact that you just stood there, I could have looked past the fact that you basically acted like everything that has happened these last few months never happened, I could have looked past the fact that you didn't seem to give a damn that your friend assaulted me; I could have forgiven you for any one of those things. But you wanna know the one thing that has been eating away at me all day? You told that Mexican bitch that I attempted to kill myself? And if you told her, that means you told everyone else too."

I opened my mouth to respond, but I quickly realized that I had no idea what to say to that; he was right, I had told them all. I had betrayed him.

Sebastian continued, "You told them something very personal about me. And I don't even want to know what you told them about it, because to this day you've never even asked me why I did it. It's a part of my life, a part of me that I find really hard to talk about, to even think about. And then you went and told people that you knew don't like me…I mean, what the hell did you even gain from doing that?"

"I didn't do it to hurt you, Seb, I swear. I was hoping it would make them lay off you." I said feebly.

"And did it work?" Sebastian arched an eyebrow.

I sighed and shook my head at the same time.

"Didn't think so. And I suppose it never occurred to you that you could just tell them to lay off me?"

Once again, I didn't know how to respond.

"I would have done that for you, you know. And no, not because I have no inhibitions when it comes to telling people things, but because you're my friend. Key word being friend. Something I thought I was to you." His eyes were filled with disappointment.

"You're overreacting; of course we're friends."

"You think I'm overreacting?" Sebastian dropped the bags he was holding as he stared at the floor, "Do you remember the night that I first told you I was dying? Well, do you remember it?"

"Of course I remember it." I replied as if it was self-evident. Which it kind of was.

"There were four things you told me that night that no one had ever said to me…do you know what those four things were?"

I nodded, although I wasn't entirely certain.

"You told me that you loved me; you told me that you would never consciously hurt me; you said that you would always be by my side; and you promised to protect me from anyone else who ever tried to hurt me. Well, today I realized that you lied to me…about all of that." Once again it was obvious to me that Sebastian wasn't even the least bit mad at me; he was just hurt. Really hurt. And to think that I was the one who had made him feel that, made me want to throw up.

"No, Seb I didn't. I didn't. I really didn't." I said softly.

"Really? Because from where I'm standing, it really seems like you did. You knew it would hurt me when I figured out that you never told Kurt that we were friends, because if you had, he would not have been saying the things he said in front of you; and you definitely made no attempt to protect me, that was made blatantly obvious when you just stood there. Both these things prove that you were not on my side; you were on theirs. And all three things together confirms my theory that you lied about loving me as well…you can't love someone you're ashamed of." Sebastian stated with a sigh.

"I'm not ashamed of you, I'm not. I have no idea what was wrong with me today, and I can't explain to you how sorry I am. I wasn't me. Please Sebastian, you have to believe me. Please." I begged. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. They were tears of desperation, since that was what I felt right now.

"I can't, Blaine. I'm sorry too, but I have to go now." He avoided my gaze as he bent down to pick up his bags.

"Don't go." The words came out as a whisper.

"We knew this would happen. I told you yesterday that it was time for me to go; on the bright side, your mom will be happy." He have a one-shouldered shrug.

"I don't care. Your happiness is what's most important to me now."

"We both know that's not true. But I have to thank you; these last few months with you have been the best of my life. You gave me back hope of a better life, you made me realize that I still have a shot at this whole thing. And this time I'll be sure to do it right." He gave me a platonic smile. Something about the way he was speaking, about the way he was saying these words, was causing the hairs at the back of my neck to stand on end.

"Why are you talking like that? Like-like we're-"

"Something of the past? Because we are. I don't think we should be friends anymore, Blaine."

My entire body went numb. I couldn't have just heard those words, he couldn't have just said them. This couldn't be real.

"What? Because of what happened today?" I asked incredulously.

"No, it isn't just that. It's-it's…I can't really tell you; you're just going to have to trust me."

"Trust you that we need to end our friendship? No, no I refuse to do that. I'm not going to give up on you. Never." I took another few steps forward; I was now standing right in front of him.

"It's not about giving up. It's about knowing what's best for the both of us." Sebastian said quietly, his gaze on mine.

"I don't believe that either. How could that be better for either of us? You just said it yourself, that I make you happy."

"You made me happy, Blaine. But you can't do that anymore; I wish you could, but you can't." His voice was now nothing more than a whisper.

"You can't stop me, you know. You don't have to want to see me anymore, but I'll find you. I'll stalk you if I have to; I'm not letting you out of my life so easily." I argued.

He heaved another sigh, "I don't think you completely understand what it is I'm saying. When I said I'm going to live my life right, I meant that I needed a fresh start."

It took a few seconds for his words to sink in. But when it did, my jaw dropped and my eyes widened. My heart started to beat so fast, I wouldn't have been surprised if it leaped out of my chest. My throat dried up, and my head felt dizzy. "You're leaving?" I breathed.

"I think I have to. This town just has too many bad memories and reminders; I need a change of scenery. I need to start sorting out my life." He explained.

"But why can't you do that here?"

"Because it's too hard. I need to find a place where no one knows me, where there's no one to pity me or judge me; where I can be someone else."

"You don't need to be someone else. I love you so much just the way you are; you're amazing…why won't you believe me?" I wondered.

"You're biased. You see things that no one else sees; but I'm happy about that, it means that you care about me." I suddenly understood the pain that kept being reflected in his eyes; he was unhappy about leaving. It was probably one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do; and here I was, making it even harder for him. If this was something that he really wanted to do, then I needed to push my own selfish feelings aside and focus on what was best for him.

"Of course I care, Seb. For the past few weeks you've been one of the best friends I've ever had, and just by being in it, you've made my life better. So thank you for that, but if you're sure that this is what you need to do, then I'm not going to stop you." I had to physically force those words out, but the effort brought even more tears to my eyes.

He stared at me with an expression that was hard to read, but I somehow got the feeling that my words were not the one's he had wanted to hear. This confused me; did he or did he not want me to stop him from leaving?

"You'd just let me leave right now, never to come back again, never to see me again?"

My throat dried up even more, "I don't know what you want from me. I thought you didn't want me to stop you from going." I told him exasperatedly.

"Don't you get it? I want you to be sad that I'm leaving, I want you to fight with me, I want you to tell me that I should stay, I want you to tell me that you're going to miss me, I want you block my way out of here, I want you to beg, I want you to swear to me that you love me, I want you to tell me that I make your life better when I'm in it, I need you to need me to stay."

"You don't think I want you to stay? You don't think the thought of having to live without you scares the crap out of me? Of course it does! Of course I love you! But it's because I love you that I can't be selfish; if you really want to go, then I have to let you go." A tear finally broke free and started making its way down my cheek.

"'If you love something, set it free.'" He quoted.

"Exactly." The more I stared into his eyes, the more I couldn't control the salty liquid escaping from the corners of my eyes. And when I saw a tear glide down Sebastian's face, I felt a lump form at the back of my throat. I put my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest: right where his heart was.

He dropped the bags for the second time and used his arms to pull me even closer to him, and buried his face in my neck.

"I don't want you to ever leave me, but if you really have to, then I won't stop you. But you have to know that I will never ever forget you; the colour of your eyes, the way you smile, the sound of your voice, the smell of your skin. I'll never forget the way my heart stopped when I saw you half-dead in your dorm room, the way my heart broke when I thought you were dead, and the way it smiled when I was told that you were still alive. I'll always remember the moment when I first realized how amazing you really are; it was when you called me to ask for my help because you were afraid of saying the wrong thing to Jeff. That was also the first time you ever asked for my help.

And I'll definitely never forget the moment I first realized I loved you; it was the same morning that my brother showed up, you and I were talking about China or something silly like that, and then there was a moment when you smiled at me...oh man, what I felt for you in that second made me want to throw my arms around you on the spot. It made me aware of how strong my feelings for you actually were." I was amazed that I was still capable of speaking properly, Sebastian's shirt was soaked with tears and my voice was cracking.

"For me it was a few days after," Sebastian's breath tickled my neck, "The night I told you about my uh, childhood. I expected you to look at me with pity or disgust or something, but you didn't. You just told me that you were happy you got the chance to punch my dad in the face. I wanted to kiss you...I almost did." I didn't know it was even possible, but Sebastian tightened his embrace of me. I responded in kind.

The thought of having to let go of him now, of having to watch him walk out my front door never to come back to me, it suddenly made it impossible to hold back. I started sobbing against Sebastian's chest.

"I love you so much, Seb. Please never forget that. Please don't let what happened today be the thing that you remember about me. Please." I wasn't sure if he could make out a single word I said, but I needed to say it anyway.

"Don't worry, Hobbit. There are two things I will never forget about you; your heart and your eyes. Those have always been and will always be my favorite things about you." He whispered.

"Why do you have to leave me? Why?"

"I can't answer that question, Blaine." I could hear the shakiness in his voice as he spoke.

"Please stay one more night, just one. I can't watch you walk out that door, I just physically can't do it." I was crying so much that I started to cough.

"Okay. Just one more." He buried his face even deeper in my neck, and I could feel the warmth of his cheek against mine.

Slowly but surely, Sebastian removed his arms from my back, and gently placed them on my shoulders. He then slowly started pushing me away from him, until I was forced to let go. He stared at me for a few seconds before raising his hand up to my face and using his fingers to wipe away my tears.

"Your eyes look even more beautiful when they're wet." He smiled affectionately.

I didn't reply; I couldn't. I was afraid I would start crying again if I did.

"You're shaking. I think you should sit down." Sebastian suggested as grabbed my hand and led me to my bed, pulling me down beside him. I was happy that he didn't let go of my hand.

"Do you think there's a chance I could wake up from all of this? That this day was just a bad dream that will be gone tomorrow?" I smiled humorlessly.

"Of course there's a chance." He was still whispering.

I nodded. We sat like that for what felt like hours, but it couldn't have been more than minutes. There was so much that I still needed to say to him, but right now, I couldn't think of a single word. Then something suddenly came to me.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." He smiled sadly.

"Why did you try to kill yourself that day? You're right, I have never asked you. And if I'm never going to see you again," Saying that out loud felt like knives were being forced down my throat, "then I need to know."

"Are you really sure you want to know the answer to that? Because trust me, you are not going to like the answer."

I thought about this. Did I want to know? Could I handle it? No, no I couldn't. But this wasn't about me, this was about the boy sitting next to me. If he'd never been able to talk about it before, maybe now was the time. "Please tell me."

"That day was the five year anniversary of the night that ruined my life, the night that ruined my childhood, the night that will be forever carved into my brain...the night that I was raped." His voice cracked on the last word.

My breath caught and my heart stopped. No. No. No. No. He had not just said that. No. Why? As these words flew through my head, so many things started to fit into place, so many things started to make sense. If I were being honest, this had always been a suspicion of mine; but to hear him say it out loud hurt almost too much to bear.

"You don't have to say anything," Sebastian looked away from, "But you're the only person on earth besides me that knows. I mean, I tried to tell my dad, but he didn't believe me. Or maybe he didn't want to believe me; either way, I was never the same after that."

"Who was it? Who did that to you?" I had never heard my own voice sound so venomous.

"My father's best friend, Gregory Saunders. He died in a plane crash when I was 14." Sebastian explained.

"I hope he bled out...slowly."

"He's the reason I keep getting nightmares; I'm always forced to re-live the whole damn thing. Oddly enough, a person never gets used to it." A fresh tear tolled down his cheek.

Looking into his bright green eyes, I felt sick to my stomach that anyone could ever hurt this boy like that. He was so beautiful and perfect, and that sick man had stolen a part of him away; a part that could never be fixed.

"I hate him more than I even thought possible." I told Sebastian as I wiped away the tears on his face.

"Don't even think about him, Blaine. You'll only make yourself angry; trust me, I speak from experience. Just forget him, he's gone. For good."

"Like you will soon be from my life." I knew it was mean of me to say, but my time with him was getting less and less by the second.

"That's not true, I'll always be right here." He placed his finger against my head.

"But most importantly, you'll always be here." I grabbed his hand, and held it against my heart.

"I love you too." His smile was filled with melancholy.

"I love you more." I grinned through tears.

Sebastian fell backward into a lying position and pulled me down next to him. He chuckled when I almost fell on top of him. To spite him, I put my head down on his shoulder and lay like that.

"Blaine," Sebastian whispered as he gently placed his hand on the side of my cheek. He used his hand as leverage to tilt my head upward; I knew what he was doing even before his lips met mine.

His mouth tasted salty because of all the tears, but if anything, that made the moment even more amazing. Despite his lips being warm and soft, the kiss was anything but gentle. Quite the contrary, it was fast and demanding, and within a few seconds my heart rate had climbed to about 2560 beats per minute.

Soon enough, Sebastian was on top of me with his hand roaming over my torso. I was torn between gasping for breath and keeping my lips locked on his. But soon enough, my need for oxygen won, and I pulled away.

"We need to stop. Now." Sebastian whispered. I knew what he was saying was right, but the feel of his breath on my ear put other thoughts into my head.

Luckily for me, Seb had more self-control and moved away from me. He sat up and stared at me.

"I really have to stop kissing people." His straight face soon turned into a grin.

Instead of responding, I just frowned.

"Never mind." He said.

"What exactly did that mean? The kiss, I mean." I wondered.

"It meant goodbye." Sebastian smiled sadly.

I moved up on the bed until my head was resting on the pillows; I stretched my arm out slightly, "Come here." I told him.

He obliged and lay down beside me; his forehead resting against my temple and his arm draped over my chest. I found his hand beside me, and wove my fingers through his.

"I have to ask you one more time: are you sure you have to leave?"

He was hesitant in his reply, "Yes."

I shut my eyes tightly; I'd already cried enough for one lifetime.

"Tell me goodbye, Blaine. You have to say it. Please." Sebastian pleaded.

"I can't." I told him honestly.

"If you don't, then you're never going to be able to."

I clenched my jaw as I said the next two words, "Goodbye, Sebastian."

"Goodbye, Blaine." I could feel him smiling.

"I love you."

"I love you more."

**...**

I rubbed my eyes as I sat up. What was I doing in the spare bedroom? A second later, all the memories of last night came flooding back to me.

I looked beside me. There was nothing. There was no one.

"Sebastian!" I couldn't help but yell.

I got out of the bed and saw that his bags were all gone. I ran downstairs; there was no one there either. I opened the front door and checked outside for his car...still nothing.

I sat down at the counter and buried my head in my hands. It had been real, not a nightmare; Sebastian had truly left.

Something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye; there was a piece of paper that I hadn't noticed before. Upon closer inspection I saw that it was a note. From him.

Blaine,

If you're reading this, that probably means I'm dead. Just kidding (I've just always wanted to say that).

If you're reading this, it actually means that you're awake. Well, I hope that you're the one reading it, otherwise this could get pretty awkward.

I'm not in Lima anymore, I would be at least three cities away by now. But there are two things that I have to tell you: the first is that I have a special surprise for you, you'll figure out what it is soon enough.

The second thing is the reason that I had to leave so suddenly. There are actually two parts to this explanation.

A few days ago, I got a call from a woman who claimed to be my aunt on my mother's side of the family. At first I didn't believe her, but I soon realized that she was speaking the truth. She asked to meet me, since my dad had kept the two of us apart for the last 18 years. So that's where I'm going, to stay with her for a little while (don't even bother trying to find me, I assure you, you never will).

The second part of the explanation is the hardest. But first, I would like to tell you that today is my birthday. I am officially 18 years old (yes, I lied about the date of my birth, sue me). And it has been the best day of my life, and all thanks to you. You gave me the best present ever (technically, the only present ever) when you kissed me last night.

And that makes way for the punch line...Blaine, the reason I had to leave was because I realized that I was in love with you. So very much in love with you. I couldn't stay there and watch you have feelings for someone else; it hurt too much, so the best course of action was to leave. Also, your ex-boyfriend is a chick. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, that's pretty much all I had to say. So be happy and don't do drugs.

Goodbye and love you forever,

Sebastian.

I stared at the note in my hand with a jaw that was lying on the floor. Sebastian was in love with me? How did that even happen?

I was still sitting there wondering what kind of alternate universe I had woken up in, when I heard a knock on the door. I had some false hope that Sebastian had changed his mind and come back, so I hurried to open it.

But the person standing there was definitely not Sebastian Smythe. Oh no, the person standing there was the last person on the planet I ever thought I would see again...it was Jordan Soldier. My childhood best friend I hadn't seen in almost 5 years.

I quickly realized that this was the surprise Sebastian had been talking about. And seeing Jordan standing there with a big smile on his face almost made me want to cry. Both because of how happy I was to see him and because I couldn't believe that Sebastian had done this for me.

Thinking back to the last thing Seb had said to me, I couldn't help but think to myself, I love you most.