AN: I don't know. I woke up one morning and it had written itself in the night. Don't look at me. If anyone would, though…Oswald…yeah. He would. His luck is both fantastic (he should be dead now) and hilariously bad, so.

Lakky-That is exactly what they are. Only bribery and threats to 'turn this car right around!' don't work. Alas.

"You accidentally became the leader of a cult?"

Okay. So Dove usually doesn't ask Cobblepot any unnecessary questions. But…but…look, when a girl gets a call from the boss saying 'come collect me, I accidentally became a cult leader and these people are all insane', it's that sorta thing that makes her want to scream into the void.

So really, it's either scream or ask, and asking will hurt less.

"Have you gone temporarily deaf?" Cobblepot sounds pissed. "Yes. Now come and pick me up, I refuse to coddle these people."

"But…but…"

How. Why. Seriously? This shit doesn't happen in…well, yes. Yes, it does, because this is Gotham, where nobody stays dead and people have weird superpowers and whatever.

Whichever ancestor thought, 'gee, I'll move to Gotham!' is an idiot and an asshole and when she dies and gets to meet them, she's going to hurt them.

"Are you driving yet?"

Shit. No. She's still standing in the kitchen, wondering if she has time to finish her sandwich. Can she blame traffic?

"Just getting the keys."

"Hurry up. Being shot was less horrible than this." He'd know… "Swimming with a shattered knee was less horrible than this. Feel free to run over pedestrians if they don't cross the road fast enough, is that clear?"

She takes the sandwich with her-Cobblepot's on a roll now, and she's sure he's gesturing and hobbling back and forth and probably miming stabbing somebody to make himself feel better. Or kicking a stabbed body, who knows.

"Starting the car now, boss."

"Speed limits no longer apply to you. Run over any cop who pulls you over."

Uh, no. She'll just not get pulled over.

All the same, it's best to go along. Murder soothes the savage beast and all.

"Sure, boss. Run over anyone in the way. Where are you?"

"The trainyard." Uh. Okay. When did a cult…never mind. "Remind me that the next time an old man starts ranting about brimstone at me, stabbing him may not be the best choice."

What. So…he's the cult leader because he…killed the other one?

Maybe one day he'll learn that murder is not the answer, like, ever.

"Okay, boss, I'll put it in your phone."

"Don't be snide. Are you driving?"

"Yeah-hang on-do I look like fucking Wonder Woman in my invisible jet? No? Then turn signal, cow!"

Cobblepot sighs.

The 'cult' is more of a collection of random thugs whose leaders are in prison or Arkham, but at least one of them has carved Bible verses into his chest, so. How the hell these people took Penguin, of all people, for their leader is a mystery.

Then again, he is the sort to stage a takeover of USPS because they lost a package. Maybe she should steer him in that direction-her asshole carrier's been stealing her Michael's ads.

"Uh, boss, are you just gonna…leave them? Without a leader?"

"Yes." He locks the door and reclines the seat. "I need a new bodyguard."

"Huh?"

"James joined the cult in earnest."

Sure enough, she sees him wander across the yard. This proves to be bad-he spots the car and shouts, "He's leaving us!"

"Drive. Drive away."

She hits the gas and takes a hard left out of the trainyard.

Cult. You gotta be kidding.

THE END