Chapter 50: Half a Century!

"Why have I been ignored, you bloody peasants?!" Barbossa yelled, leaping out of the shadows with a chair in his hands. He immediately smashed it over the Suethor's head. She turned, looking absolutely venomous, and wrote terible songfic in the air, and Barbossa immediately started banging his ears, looking shocked.

Will: (thrusting sword at Pairing) What's up with Barbossa?

"Aargh!" Barbossa shouted, "I can hear... Evanescence! Everywhere! It wont stop!" This set the thousands of par&rots off on their shrieks for R&R.

"Oh, buggerations. I can't believe you'd do that to Barbossa!" Jack cried, open-flaming at the Suethor now. She ducked around behind some crates, which were full of Sue-Animals. Don't know what they are? They are the annoying pets of Mary-Sues; the dogs and cats that can somehow understand what their masters say and do impossible things that no normal dog, cat, horse guinea pig, rabbit or snake would ever do.

"Ouch! That was quite uncalled for," A tabby cat commented as it burned to death.

"Quite. How barbaric," A hamster nodded in agreement, and then also dissolved into ashes. Jack blinked, and then turned towards the room.

"I need the pen! Who has it now?" Jack called out. Will threw it to Davy, who chucked it over his shoulder to James, who exchanged it with his sword and threw it to Jack. He caught it deftly, and then leapt over the smoking cages, pointing his pen directly at the Suethor, who parried quickly, darting to the left.

Tia: Davy, I need an ingredient! True Canon Love!

Davy: Can this wait?

"SUEEEEESS!!!111!1!" the Suethor suddenly cried, pointing her pen to the door, which burst open, and about twenty Mary-Sues began swarming down the stairs, like some sort of gruesomely perfect infestation. They all looked scarily the same, and they spoke in perfect unison with the Suethor, adding to her millions of voices; "tiem 2 face te fatcs cannons1"

Tia: No, Davy, it can't wait! (Davy is overrun by Mary-Sues) Crap! Now who's going to supply the True Canon Love?

Suddenly, at that very moment, there was a crash from the trap door. Will smacked the pairing into a wall, grabbed the sack-o-flame from James who was in the middle of attempting to flame sues, and shouted for the pen from jack, and managed to flame the Pairing into ashes – from the trap door, Elizabeth and Bootstrap both fell; Will caught Elizabeth deftly in his arms, and Bootstrap landed on the hard floor with a crack.

Will: Elizabeth! I told you to wait!

"I'm not going to sit around and miss all of the action," She snapped, "Me and Bootstrap brought sticks... And what's up with you? Script-form?!"

"R&R PLZZZZ R&R!!!!" A smallish flock of par&rots flew around her head in a circle, before vanishing up through the trap door above them.

"Oof..." Bootstrap clambered to his feet, and held up a few hefty planks, "We can use these as weapons."

James: (wrinkling nose) Not exactly professional...

Will: Shut up, James! We don't have time for professional anyway.

James: oic

"What's up with James?" Elizabeth asked, cocking her head at him, and then she turned to Will, "You too! Hey, you're in script form! OMG!"

James: lol

Will: Oh no! Elizabeth's switched to AOL!

Tia: Shut up! (the Sues come closer, faster,) Elizabeth! Kiss Will!

Elizabeth and Will turned to each other, each of them a little nervous about what was happening next; but reunited, they wrapped their arms around each other, moving their mouths closer together, until they were kissing – a perfect moment in time. Their love rose up like a water fountain, and white sparkles erupted from around them, spreading through the air, drifting on the air currents, drifting in circles. Everyone in the room stopped to stare, completely entranced.

"noooo11111 ooc!!" the Suethor screeched, and pointed her pen at them, sending a jet of red sparks in their direction, which shot through the air, bouncing off of the walls like fireworks. One struck James in the arm, and it burned like hell. He cried out, grabbing his shoulder, hoping the searing pain would stop soon.

Tia: Well done! T'e most important ingredient... True Canon Love! (she catches the sparks in the small jar given to her by Jack) Davy, want to add to that?

Davy: Ugh, I'm not kissing a dog!

Tia: (sighing) Fine. Your ingredient can be the Catchphrase.

Davy: Uhh... oh yeah! (thick Scottish accent) Do you fear death?

White sparks began to pop out of the air around Davy too, which Tia caught again, and then she padded off to the back of the cave, to add it to her cauldron, apparently. Davy turned and continued to fight the sues, not really knowing, nor caring what on earth Tia Dalma – Dalmatian – was up to. However, these were Mary Sues, which meant that despite being girls, they were all absolutely amazing swordswomen; a hard target to beat.

Will: Elizabeth, stay safe!

"I know how to protect myself, dear," Elizabeth reassured her husband, brandishing a large wooden plank, one of many she and Bootstrap had grabbed on their way. "I'm almost a Canon-Sue, so I should be quite effective against these Sues," She said triumphantly. She whacked one in the middle, sending her flying backwards with a cry of, 'I'm your sister!'

James: (excited) Look, you can change your emotion, and it comes up! (annoyed) Grr! (happily) Hooray! (sadly) I'm so upset! (threateningly) I'm going to kick your ass, Sue! (lovingly) I'll help you out, Elizabeth! (thoughtfully) I wonder what happened to Beckett... (excitedly again) See?! It's so cool!

Davy: Stop being an idiot, James.

James: Ah, but look what you can do with them! (he takes off one half of a bracket, and breaks it over a Sues head, who is so confused at this grammatical screw-up that she collapses to the floor. He grabs some more bracket openings and endings, and starts using them like cutlasses.)

"This is screwed up," Jack said, wrinkling his nose.

"Tell me about it," Barbossa yelled at the top of his voice. Jack blinked, banging his hand on his ear. Barbossa was hearing Evanescence; the most commonly used songfic band, for some reason. Maybe because of the high rate of angst in the fanfiction community... who knows?

"Jaaack!" About twelve sues turned and leapt onto Jack, pinning him to the floor. They tried to grab PoeticPoetry2's pen off of him, and he squirmed, before throwing it high in the air, towards Barbossa. Barbossa used it to draw an apple in the air, green and healthy, and it fell into his hands.

Will: What the hell, Barbossa?!

Tia: Will, it's a good thing, okay? A new ingredient to add to my concoction... his Item of Value!

Will: His item of value is his hat.

"No, that's me," Jack corrected him.

Davy: Isn't it his monkey?

James: No, I'd say it was his...

Tia: Just shut up, okay? I know what I'm doing.

Davy: Riiight...

Barbossa was oblivious to all of this, because he was off in his own little bubble of ecstasy as he bit into the juicy apple, his eyes wide and shining as the lovely, sharp juice ran down his throat, the taste filling him up with light, which bubbled around him in the form of white sparks, which Tia painstakingly collected together...

"Uh, people, a little help? While you're describing Barbossa's love of apples, I'm being attacked by the Suethor!" Jack said, waving his arms around, "And I don't have the pen!"

Tia: Jack, use canon to put her off!

"Hmm... well, alright," Jack said with a shrug, as the Suethor leapt towards him, swinging her pen straight towards him. Jack immediately began babbling, "Bugger savvy rum bugger savvy savvy rum compass bugger rum bugger savvy savvy buggerations savvy rum rum compass bugger savvy rum savvy..." As his words of canon-ness came out, so did sparks – the Suethor shrank back from them, hissing like a vampire.

"u moronz!1 u dnt stnad a chanse, i alredy sed!!!!111" She hissed at them.

James: (hitting her over the head with a bracket) Oh yeah?! Take that, bitch!


NB: Liz and Bootstrap have joined the gang! Hooray!

Tune in next time for... Chapter 51 - Meanwhile