Tribute
Chapter Forty-Four
Approaching her door, I didn't want to startle her, so I knocked lightly. "Bella?" I whispered, but no one was in there.
That's when I heard the water going in the bathroom, remembered she was in the tub.
Still apprehensive, I knocked on that door. "Bella?"
"Edward?" she asked, sounding out of breath. "Edward!" She seemed relieved as she tore open the door and ran into my arms; she was soaking wet, covered by a towel.
I smiled, hugging her tightly. "How you holding up?"
She had tears in her eyes. "I'm better now. Jasper said you left. I was worried—"
"What'chu gotta worry about?" I lifted her chin. "Huh?"
She looked away from me, hiding her face.
"Don't hide from me," I begged. "Please."
She swallowed loudly, unleashing her beautiful yet sorrowful gaze on me. "I'm so happy you're okay...I'm happy you're here."
"Me too," I said, getting lost in those eyes. "You look tired."
"I just—I need to, um." She glanced back to the bathtub, but she looked better. Bella was still bruised, of course, she just seemed sad and...calm, not as distraught as she had been?
Earlier, she said she'd be better tomorrow, like she knew her own grief time.
"I wanna finish my bath."
How many times had shit like this happened?
"Oh…go 'head," I said.
"Um…" Her eyes fell to the floor. "Can I stay in your room tonight?"
"Whatever you want." I kissed her forehead. "Take your bath. I'll go talk to Jazz and then—"
"Turn around."
I did as she said, my entire body facing away from her. That's when I heard the water rippling from her movements. "Bella—"
"You can turn around now." She sounded so young—little when she said that.
I faced her, her body covered by a million bubbles. The vision made me smile. "I'll see you when you're done. Take your bath."
"Sit with me," she whispered, closing the shower curtain, obstructing any view I had.
"Okay." I had mixed feelings about being in here. After all, Jasper was downstairs and could walk up here at any moment. "So…?"
I heard her whimpering. She started sobbing.
I got onto my knees, peeking around the curtain but keeping my eyes closed. "I'm so sorry this happened."
"You can look at me . . . You already saw me," she whispered.
I opened my eyes to smile. "Hey, beautiful."
She cracked a small grin, her chin resting on her knee.
"You're adorable." I chuckled.
She blew air up to her eyes. "I keep crying—I'm being silly." She grabbed a washcloth and then scrubbed at her cheek.
"Be easy. I like this skin. You'll tear it off." I took it from her to gently clean the area that looked pretty good already. "You're not being silly...Did he—" I didn't wanna ask what was on the tip of my tongue, if he'd . . . Fuck.
I couldn't even finish the sentence in my head.
Instantly vexed, I thought about that fuck's mangled body—him lying lifeless on that large table.
The mental image helped ease the agitation away.
"He did." She slapped her own cheek. "My stupid face."
"Bella!" I exclaimed, stopping her hands. "Please, don't do that." I gritted my teeth, trying to keep my expression neutral.
"I'm sorry."
I shook my head. "Don't be sorry. Just stop hurting yourself . . . my baby." I blew out a breath, pushing her wet hair behind her ear. "I love this face. Don't hurt it."
I hoped some day soon she'd love it as well.
"What about counseling?" I asked. "Talk therapy?"
She grimaced. "No."
"Why not?" I shrugged. "When I came back from Iraq...my first deployment, I had to sit and talk to someone. It wasn't so bad." I wouldn't tell her it was mandatory for my unit, since we'd seen mad shit. War isn't what it used to be, at least it's not like the movies, or the history books, impressions we get of wars before.
These days, Uncle Sam cares about our psyches, as the government rightfully should—should have always taken the best care. A minor injury, a small disability can tear you from the front-lines and have you taking a backseat, or—depending—have you sitting in front of your TV within a week, sometimes days.
Regardless, I was fine. I'd always been alone, so I was used to not having anyone to confide in.
And they'd done a pretty good job letting us know what to expect when we got over there.
I did, however, speak about my time away with a therapist. It wasn't that bad, not at all. There was no judgment, although we were all informed not to talk of certain things. It was a contradiction in terms, but okay nonetheless.
And then it felt like no time had passed before I was heading to Afghanistan.
I had a feeling Bella could truly benefit from it—therapy.
If she opens up, actually speaks.
"It was fifty bucks an hour last time. That costs too much money. I don't have insurance—"
"I don't want you to worry about that," I said. "That should be the last thing on your mind. You wanna go? We'll make sure you can. I mean, please. I'll go with you, or Jasper...one of us would be with you until you could go by yourself."
She shook her head.
"Think about it?" I raised a brow. "For me? I'd feel so much better if—"
"I'll be fine, back to normal before you know it." She smiled brightly, but...she was totally full of shit.
And I didn't want to tell her . . . that what she thinks is normal isn't . . . it's not fine, whatever.
"Bella..."
"Stop looking at me like that." Her act crumbled before my eyes. "I'll be fine. I promise."
"Because you know from experience?" I asked. "This has happened before? Has happened a lot?"
She scooted back, away from me. "I'm sorry...no."
"I'm not mad." I grasped her hand. "I want you to talk to me—talk to someone." At a loss, I hoped she'd open up.
"I—" She opened and closed her mouth a few times, gaping like a fish.
I waited.
"I get shaken up...but I'll be fine. I'll-I'll—you'll see." She nodded.
I kissed her palm. "There's nothing you can't tell me. Nothing's going to scare me away. Okay? I'm here, and you need to speak up. It'll eat you alive if you don't."
"Promise?"
I furrowed my brow.
"You won't leave?"
I grinned. "I still have to go on that run, but I'll be back. I'll be back in a few days."
"Okay." She squeezed my hand.
Silence fell upon us, and I got comfortable, leaning my back against the toilet.
"Um..." Bella stared at me.
Again, I waited, encouraging her with a quirked brow.
"Today...um, it wasn't bad. He-he didn't want sex, you know? Before today, he'd-he'd been leaving me alone. Sort of. Only because I never let myself be alone with him." She stared at me expectantly.
It was my cue to say something. "Good. Good for you."
The corner of her mouth pulled up a little. "I was-was keeping my distance...when I realized, started to think it was wrong," she cried. "He just didn't have the opportunity...then you came home."
I nodded.
"It's still not that bad. He was-was my boyfriend." I didn't comment. "Sleeping with your boyfriend is normal . . . He hasn't had me in over a month, though. I've been so lucky," she whimpered, held back her cries. "I was in school, lied and said I had to study for finals. Alice and I would study all the time. And Jasper made a rule...no matter how old I was, my friends and Jake weren't allowed to stay past nine...on school nights."
"Jasper sounds like a fierce momma-bear," I joked.
"You'd think not...but he's strict. I'm eighteen now, so he's let up a bit."
"How did you hide it?" I asked.
"Makeup, or...I'd just never give him a reason."
"You'd—"
"It was sex...he was my boyfriend," she repeated.
"Okay," I sighed.
"I didn't think there was anything wrong until I knew it was wrong." That made sense, and it broke my fucking heart; she didn't know any better. "As of late, for the past month, I'd just be around people...When summer started, we'd wear out our welcome at Alice's...or you were here. Jake would get tired of waiting for you to leave, so we'd go to Alice's...he'd always try to get me to go to his apartment—" She blew a breath up to her eyes.
I gave her hand a squeeze, now realizing why she'd been following me around last week. It wasn't all about her feelings for me. "It's okay." I could only imagine it being an everyday struggle; meanwhile, she's only been out of school a couple of weeks. I haven't been here that long at all, but every day . . . she had to try and dodge him.
"I just got lucky," she said. "Someone was always around, but before that...on weekends, when there'd be no school, before you came back—"
I nodded, waiting for her to say more, whatever she wanted to tell me.
"I wouldn't complain...we'd have sex." She shrugged.
"Was it...sex, though?" I asked.
Bella wouldn't answer that. "Being with you—" her chin wrinkled "—it was beautiful, nothing like what I knew. I don't even know who that person was." What we shared was special, I knew that to be true, and I was lucky...lucky to be with her.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know..." She trailed off. "Like...I was trying to act, be sexy? I didn't think. I just did, but...I was wrong," Bella cried. "I shouldn't have pressured you. I know that was wrong now, too." She spoke so fast. "Like...I did to you what Jake has done to me, just—"
"Hey," I palmed her cheek, a chuckle escaping me "I'm a big guy. I could have said no and ran away from you. Bella, you didn't make me do anything. Okay?"
She sucked in a shaky breath.
"Baby, I wanted to be with you in the worst way. I'm—" It really didn't seem like the time to...tell her how I felt...without feeling like a pervert-skeeze. "It was beautiful." I leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "Thank you for sharing...so much of yourself with me. And yes, you were very, very sexy."
"I wanna be that person again...so sure, so-so bold. The person you—" She stopped talking. Bella sniffled, picking up the washcloth to scrub her face again. Her cheek, where he likely . . .
"Where? Here?" I ran my thumb along her cheek. "Is this where he...?"
She wouldn't look at me, nodding.
I placed a gentle kiss there. "Better?" Then I kissed that same spot again and again. "How's that?" I crooned.
"Th-thank you." She shook her head, silent tears falling. "I'm sorry." She started to sob. "I'll be better in the morning...I-I just need sleep."
"Don't be sorry. Baby, you did nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with crying or being upset." I kissed her forehead, both of her cheeks, her nose. "You're allowed to feel the way you feel, but you get too upset, you need to talk...I hope you confide in Jasper or me, or someone. We're here for you." I was scared of her doing something stupid—gets too down, wants to hurt herself. "You promised me," I whispered.
"I won't...I'll be okay." Her body shook, and then she swallowed down her cries. "Thank-thank you," Bella stammered.
Without instruction, I ran the warm cloth along her shoulders.
"That feels nice." She hugged her knees to her chest. "Thanks."
She didn't need to thank me.
I was hers.
/=/=/=/=/
Ten minutes later, Bella's fingertips were pruned, her skin puckered from the water. I left to give her privacy while she dressed, but I waited outside her door—at her insistence. My guess was that she thought the same as last night—that I'd go into my room and lock the door, to be away from her.
Little did she know . . .
"She's out?" Jasper approached the bathroom.
I jerked a thumb behind myself. "She's putting pajamas on."
Jasper knocked lightly. "Bells?"
"Yeah...?" she asked, and her door was awkwardly closed since I'd broken it before.
"Gotta fix this thing." Jasper stared at it.
I wasn't sorry for breaking it, so I didn't comment. I'll fix it when I get back, if he doesn't.
"Hey...you wanna camp out in the living room?" he asked her. "There's ice cream. We'll get the sleeping bags and—"
Bella opened her door with a fake smile for her brother. "I'm okay."
"Bella—" He started.
She hugged him. "I'm fine. Really. I swear."
"But..." Jasper dropped his shoulders.
"You have to get up early. You should go to bed," she told him.
He shook his head. "We need to talk—"
"Today—today was a fluke," she lied. "I swear it."
Jasper didn't believe her.
He stared down at her; she averted her gaze.
And my heart broke for the both of them.
My friend had tears in his eyes. "I'd hope...that if this wasn't a fluke, as you said, that you would have told me."
"Jasper—"
"Stop lying to me." He put his hand up, wiping his eyes with the other. "The lying stops now. I don't want you to lie to me. When you're ready, just know...know I'll listen." His voice broke.
Bella was in tears again. "You don't understand—"
"Then, help me, Bella. Help me understand," he pleaded.
Quietly, I backed away from them, wanting to give them privacy.
Bella noticed. "No! Please, don't."
I stopped in my tracks.
Jasper was angry now, staring at me. "But you'll talk to him."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "But nothing—"
"Nothing happened. I know." He nodded, tone condescending. "Good. Talk to Edward. Just fucking talk. Please."
"Relax." I squeezed his shoulder. "I think we should all...get some sleep."
Jasper nodded, leaning away to kiss Bella's hair before he silently entered his bedroom.
"Oh..." She rang her hands, about to break down, frantic. "Now he's—"
"He's not mad at you." I shook my head. "Give him time. You both need time. Okay? Don't get upset. He'll be fine."
Bella didn't say anything, went back into her bedroom.
In her cute PJs, she smiled up at me before grabbing a stuffed animal.
I sucked my teeth, tossing it back onto her bed. "I'll be your teddy bear."
"Thank you." Her lip quivered. "Oww, it hurts when I do that." She reached for her mouth. "I just don't want him sad. It hurts me...when Jasper's sad. I can't. I hate that he'll feel bad, and it's embarrassing."
"He loves you," I said. "He wants to be here for you. He wants to be your shoulder, a shoulder for you to cry on. Most of all, Jasper just wants you to be straight with him." I shrugged. "It's not a burden. He knows you're hurting."
"I don't want him sad," she whispered. "That's the last thing in the world I want. He can't be hurt."
I wiggled my fingers, wanting her tiny hand. "Come on, baby. Let's go to bed."
She nestled into my side as we walked to my bedroom.
