A/N: Hey guys! Well, this totally wasn't what I expected for the next chapter. Like, not in the slightest... like I had actually set myself on skimming over this bit just to get to my next planned chapter because I was so excited about the song, but I watched 5x18 after I had posted the last chapter and Fred was flailing, jumping around and absolutely insisted that I held off on my other chapter and let him do this. Granted, it works better and lays the groundwork for the next chapter, and I'm pretty freaking proud of it... but still. LOL.
As always it was lovely to hear from you guys - you're always so awesome with your feedback. I really appreciate the support and love you always send my way. Special thank you to: Megan, dantana-balscofanxoxo, rhymenocerous, webdlfan, ioanhoratio, afrozenheart412, Dine89, 6, 18lzytwner and brendanakai. Seriously, thanks to you all for taking the time to give me some feedback - Fred sends you huggles and cuppycakes!
Oh, as a warning for this chapter, Fred and I had a date with a bar of soap and his mouth after we finished writing this chapter... so prepare yourself for some language. Stupid angsty New Yorkers!
Set just after the warehouse shootout in 5x18.
If I Were a Boy – Beyonce
But you're just a boy; you don't understand how it feels to love a girl, someday you'll wish you were a better man. You don't listen to her and you don't care how it hurts... Until you lose the one you wanted, 'cause you've taken her for granted; and everything you had got destroyed.
Sitting back on his knees, Danny Messer let out a laboured breath. He'd just felt the last bit of life slip from Little Stevie - because of a bullet from his own department issued gun. And honestly? It wasn't a feeling he ever wanted to feel ever again.
He shared a look with Mac Taylor and instantly Danny felt a feeling of guilt rising through him. Mac had specifically told him not to move from the Avalanche. And on top of that, he'd promised Lindsay that he wouldn't do anything rash or silly... engaging in a shoot-out with a convicted and wanted felon without a vest classified as both rash and silly he figured.
Silently he stood from where he'd be knelt and wiped the excess blood on his hands onto his shirt, desperate to get the blood from his hands. It wasn't that he didn't like the metaphor for Little Stevie's death on him, but more in that he didn't like the fact that he'd broken his promise to Lindsay and put himself in an extremely dangerous situation... oh and that his wedding band was caked and covered in blood.
Turning on his heel, Danny glanced up and cringed as he saw Flack's facial expression at the scene that faced him as he hung up with the emergency services. He could tell Flack was livid: he'd gone red with anger – something Danny rarely saw. A smirk or a shake of the head when he did something that wasn't exactly stand-up behaviour, yes... this whole livid and anger practically radiating from him? Not so much.
"Danny," Flack's tone was low and disappointed as Danny headed past him.
"Look, I don't need any of your third degree right now, k?"
"You apparently do..." Flack laughed coldly and sarcastically as he grabbed his friend's shoulder, stalling him from walking away. "What the fuck were you thinkin' man?"
"I was thinkin' I couldn't let him get away..."
"You didn't have a vest on, Danny."
"No shit, they pay you to be a detective for a reason don't they? Those observation skills you got goin' are pretty sharp..."
"You're such a fuckin' prick." Flack spat as he shoved Danny away from him. "Such a fuckin' prick!"
"Shove me again..." Danny threatened before squaring up in Flack's face. "For once would you keep your nose outta my business?"
"Alright, that's enough you two." Mac growled from where he was beginning to rise from his position on the floor. "Danny, make your way back to the lab and get cleaned up. Take the Avalanche and we'll discuss this later. I'll ride with you Flack."
"Fine." He shrugged simply, not wanting to argue otherwise. Quite frankly he wanted to get back to the lab and wash off every last drop of blood off of his clothing and hands... and if that meant getting away from Flack then that was even better.
He turned on his converse-clad heel and made his way through the deserted warehouse, trying to ignore all of the spent shell casings that lay on the floor. He held his breath as he made his way past his hiding place, not daring to look at the small cabinet that had effectively saved his life. He just couldn't look at it. He wanted to stay firm in that he hadn't made a rash decision like his conscious was telling him that he had.
"Danno, wait up."
Keeping his head fixed on his focus point, Danny continued on out of the warehouse, ignoring Flack's pleas for him to stop.
He let the breath go as he finally reached the exit and gasped for air as he did so. Trying to regain a proper rhythm to his breathing, he turned slightly and spied Flack hot on his tail. Not stopping, Danny continued on as he made his way towards the Avalanche.
"You just don't understand do you?" Flack sighed as he caught up with him and headed towards the truck in step to Danny's quick strides.
Biting his lip, Danny let out a frustrated sigh as he realised that his friend wasn't going to let this go. "Understand what Flack? What don't I understand oh-wise-one?"
Running his fingers through his greying hair, Flack looked at his friend with disbelief. "You promised her you wouldn't do shit like this Danny. When you put that ring on her finger you promised that you'd stick around... you can't be doin' shit like this anymore."
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her, k? No harm no foul."
"Are you fuckin' stupid? Are you seriously tellin' me you're not goin' to tell her what happened in there?"
"And worry her? Yeah..." Danny snorted in disgust at the mere thought. "Not happenin'."
"You haven't learnt a thing, have you?"
"And what do you mean by that?" Danny enquired as he stopped and folded his arms across his chest defensively.
"What do I mean by that? You didn't tell her about you pity fucking Rikki Sandoval but that don't mean she didn't get hurt, Danny."
"Why you gotta bring that up?" Danny spat. "That was one time and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made, alright? You ain't got no right to bring that shit up."
"Someone needs to." Flack reasoned. "You not tellin' her about this is just the same, Danny... if not worse. You were there... I wasn't... you know how close you were to gettin' shot. You seriously think she doesn't deserve to know? She's your wife Danny, she deserves to know."
"She doesn't need to know. There's a difference."
"What if this was her?" Flack pushed the conversation. "What would you do then? What if she didn't tell you how close she was to dying? How would you feel?"
"She wouldn't put herself in a situation like that... I wouldn't let her put herself in a situation like that."
"What makes you any different then?"
"Because him being dead," Danny gestured over Flack's shoulder into the warehouse where Little Stevie lay dead. "Means there's one less person she has to run into while she's out in the field..."
"That's a load of crap," Flack snorted. "You're dodging my question with your bullshit 'I love her so much' crap. I get it. You're madly in love with her, and Danno, I'm more than happy for you buddy, but you gotta seriously get with it and realise that she needs you and you can't be screwin' around like you used to."
"I know she needs me Flack, she needs me more than she's ever needed me before right now."
"So why did you just pull that in there?"
"Because..." Danny sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know alright?"
"We all wanna save the world, Danny. I get you, I know that you didn't want him to get away, but sometimes you've gotta step back and just let it go. We're not super-human. How many more near misses are you gonna have before you're put into a wheelchair... or worse and laid up in the morgue on one of Sid's slabs?"
"Look, I get it. I made a mistake... Next time there's someone runnin' in the opposite direction from the cops I'll turn my head the other way and let them go, alright?"
Flack bit his lip in frustration. "You know that's not what I'm sayin' here. Stop bein' so damn stubborn, alright? Hear me out Danny..."
"I've heard you out, Flack. I've heard you out time and time again."
"So why do you keep givin' me reasons to get into it with you?"
"That's just what I do." Danny shrugged. "What do you want me to say?..." After Flack's long pause, Danny shook his head. "Now if you don't mind?" He turned and strode towards the Avalanche, waiting for Flack to throw something else at him.
"Someday Danny, you'll stop wishin' you were a better guy and you'll actually be a better guy."
Danny rolled his eyes as he realised how well he knew Flack. "I'm tryin'... I'm workin' on it, k?" He threw over his shoulder.
"Try harder, Danny." Flack growled. "You don't listen to her. You don't take into consideration her feelings. You don't care about how the things you do hurt her, and how much they hurt her. You take her for granted; how much do you expect her to take from you?"
"Look, I appreciate your concern, but this really isn't your fight, alright? I made a mistake...k? A mistake... People make mistakes."
"How many mistakes are you gonna make though?" Flack implored. "If it's not Rikki, it's shyin' away from your feelings... if I were Linds, I would have left your ass a long fuckin' time ago. You think I don't know what went down a few months ago? It fuckin' tore her up, Danny. And it fuckin' tore me up not rippin' you a new one."
"What tore her up?" Danny pressed as white fused in front of his eyes. Flack was quickly pressing all the wrong buttons and he wasn't far from snapping.
"You've forgotten already?" Flack asked, sarcastically. "She told Jess. Well... no, she sobbed at Jess. Linds told her everythin' Danny... And there's only so much I can pretend not to hear. I've seen Lindsay Monroe cry twice Danny, and both those times was over somethin' you did to her. How much more do you think she will take before she calls it a day? Mother to your child or not... You don't realise it, but she's taken more shit off of you this past year than a person should have to take in an entire lifetime. You cheated, you got her pregnant, you made her feel like crap about falling pregnant... and then you marry her... and then you fuckin' nearly kill yourself. What the hell is your problem, Danny?"
"Look, what happened between us has got nothin' to do with you... If she told Jess then that's her choice, k? I didn't tell you for a reason. I know what I did was wrong and I made it up to her."
"That's my point, Danny... you shouldn't have to be makin' things up to her constantly."
"Well that's what I do okay? I fuck up. It's in my name. Messer... I mess things up."
"That's bullshit and you know it. You just need your head screwing on tighter than what it is."
Danny kicked a crushed bottle away from him in frustration.
"Don't you realise what you have with her, Dan?"
"Are we done here?" Danny sighed.
"No!" Flack growled as he pressed his friend into the truck. "You're not leavin' until you listen to me."
"What more do you have to say to me, Flack? You haven't bitched me out enough?"
"Fine. Go, I'm just doin' what needs to be done. As much as you're my friend Danny, Lindsay means a hell of a lot to me and it pisses me off to see you treatin' her like this."
"I'm not treatin' her like anythin'. Mind your own business Flack. I made a fuckin' mistake. I shouldn't have gone after the guy. I don't intend on doin' it again."
"I hope you don't. Tellin' Lindsay that you got shot is not a call I want to make, Danny. Please don't put me in that situation."
"Look, I have some shit I need to do."
"Like tell Lindsay?" Flack asked hopefully.
"No, and even if I was, it'd be the last thing on my list. I'm not tellin' her what went down, k? I know how it'd go down, and trust me, it wouldn't be good."
"So you're going to lie to her?" Flack pressed.
"No..." Danny growled as leant against the Avalanche. "I'm just not goin' to tell her everythin'."
"So you're starting your marriage by keeping secrets?" Flack shook his head. "You have no idea what you have with her, do you?"
"She's in Montana, Flack. Montana! She's eight months pregnant and I am not, and will not put any more stress on her than what's absolutely necessary, k? I'm not doin' it."
"I understand that, Danny. I do... but just think about how hurt she would be if she found out before you had the chance to tell her. You saw the look in her eyes when she put two and two together about Rikki... do you want that feelin' again?"
"She'll understand why."
"She will?"
"I hopefully won't have to find out." Danny shrugged.
"You're settin' yourself up for a fall, Danno."
"So what do you suggest then? Considerin' your feel of all this wisdom and knowledge..."
"Stop taking her for granted for starters." Flack began. "And maybe realise that it's not just you in this relationship. You have an amazing girl and a kid on the way. They need you, and the last thing they deserve is for you to be doin' shit like this behind their backs."
"I know that, man! I know!"
"You need to reassess what you think the most important things are in your relationship. If honesty and trust aren't at the top of that list then maybe you need to have yourself a sit down and figure out why."
Danny ran his fingers over his face, extremely frustrated with Flack's constant tirade. "Why are you makin' such a big deal out of this?"
"Because you're not!" Flack implored. "Mac ain't either... but he's probably used to you doin' shit like this."
"That's not fair," Danny shook his head. "That was low and uncalled for."
"Well I need something to open your eyes, Danny. Nothin' else seems to be workin'. Your relationship with Lindsay ain't workin'... me mentioning your kid ain't workin'... so maybe pulling out the Mac card will get somethin' inside that thick head of yours movin' and thinkin'."
"Look, I'm done here."
"Just think about what I said, k?"
"Fine." Danny sighed as he ripped open the Avalanche and thrust the keys into the ignition. He watched as Flack turned and stormed off into the warehouse. He put the car into drive and turned the radio up, trying to calm himself.
He'd thought about everything Flack had said to him... And there was no way in hell he was going to tell Lindsay how much of a fuck up he was. He just couldn't.
What she didn't know, couldn't and wouldn't hurt her.
Could it?
A bit of angsty bromance for you all there. As you all know I have this insane addiction to filling in the blanks and this episode just sends Fred and I into a frenzy with all the things that wasn't said... What I would have given to see someone bitch Danny out for being a silly boy... well, it wouldn't have been much, trust me... a few pennies maybe? but still. hahah.
Anyway, I hope you liked what Fred and I came up with this time round - let us know what you thought. We'd really appreciate it :)
And thanks for reading!
