Chapter 48
Paul thanked the cab driver and stood at the bottom of the path as the car pulled away, the red tail lights disappearing down the street. His head slowly turned towards the red brick house that sat just in front of him sighing softly when he saw the soft glow of the living room lamp through the window. It was after midnight and he had been hoping his parents would have been in bed letting him sneak inside undetected. Unfortunately there was no chance of that and he would be about to face a million and one questions why he was here.
Adjusting the bag in his big hand, Paul's footsteps scuffed against the concrete as he made his way to the white painted door. Without even trying the handle, he pressed his finger down on the doorbell. The door would be locked and knowing his mother, chained and bolted too so why he even thought he could sneak in was a mystery. Just then Paul saw the light appear in the small pane of glass and his mouth twitched in amusement as he heard the light cursing. His mother never did like late visitors and no doubt she would be surprised by this one. As the key turned on the other side, Paul shifted his feet, letting out a slow breath as the door opened. His mother's mouth parted in shock when she saw him standing there as he smiled pensively and walked into the house.
"You should watch your mouth Ma. That could have been Father Donnelly at the door and he would have dragged your ass to confession."
Patricia shook her head as the door clicked shut behind her. "Never mind my language. Paul, what the hell are you doing here? Why aren't you at home?"
His eyes briefly glanced at the floor but not before she saw the flicker in his expression telling her that something was wrong. She knew her son. Something had happened and her stomach began to churn anxiously as she reached for him, hugging him to her. His heavy sigh echoed in the hallway and when they broke apart she saw the sadness in his tired brown eyes.
"Tell me what's going on. Please?"
He pressed his lips together, raking his fingers through his hair before he smiled at her gently. "I will Ma, I promise. Can I just dump my stuff in my room first?"
Patricia nodded and as her hand rubbed his arm affectionately, Paul felt the lump burning in the back of his throat. He quickly turned and made his way up the staircase, his jaw clenched tightly as he tried to keep his composure.
But that composure shook once more as he flicked on the light and walked into his old bedroom. A brown flat packed box rested against the wall and tossing his bag on the neatly made bed, Paul slowly walked towards it. His stomach ached as he realised it was the crib they had ordered for the baby's nursery. Stephanie must have arranged for it to be delivered here knowing the likelihood was they wouldn't be home. It was hard to believe it had only been a month ago that they had been shopping, picking out things for baby. Stephanie had been glowing with happiness the whole time and he had to admit to feeling a little excited too. It had made the whole thing feel so real and his heart had soared knowing this was really happening; that they were really having a child. Of course, he hadn't told Stephanie any of that. Instead he'd ribbed her, pretending to moan and protest every time she dragged him into a different store. Of course, those days of ribbing her were long gone now.
Sighing sadly, Paul ran his fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and his fingers pressed circles into his temples as he felt his head begin to throb. It made him remember he hadn't taken his medication and he slowly wandered to the bed, unzipping the holdall to retrieve the pills. But as the bag sprung open, the first thing he saw was the picture; the one of him and Stephanie.
Paul felt the dull ache in his chest as he picked it up and held it up in front of him. His brown eyes stared at Stephanie as his finger lifted to lightly trace her face through the glass. God, he missed her so much already. He had even tried to call her at least eight times tonight needing to hear the sound of her voice but he hadn't been able to do it. His fingers just couldn't dial the numbers and the truth was he didn't want to hear the pain that he knew he had already inflicted. It was hard enough dealing with the damage he had already done and it was killing him knowing she would be hurting and it was all because of him.
Slowly turning round, he placed the picture on the bedside table. It was all he had left of them; a memory so precious he wanted to keep it close by even if it broke his heart to remember.
"Paul, are you okay up there?"
Paul sighed as his mother's voice filtered up the stairs. He knew she would be worried and waiting anxiously for him to come down and tell her what was going on. He just hoped he could handle her disappointment in him when she knew the truth.
"I'll be down in a second." he called out.
His big hand searched in his bag eventually finding the plastic tube of tablets. Holding them in his palm, he felt his stomach churn as he made his way downstairs. He knew it would devastate his parents when they found out the truth about what had been going on. He just hoped that they could understand his reasons for walking out on Stephanie and his daughter.
A few moments later, Paul walked into the spacious living room and he immediately saw the concerned expressions on his parents' faces. He gave his father a small, nervous smile.
"Hey Dad."
His father smiled warmly gesturing to the chair opposite him. Paul sank down in the cushions and resting his forearms on his thick thighs, he bowed his head struggling to find the words to start this conversation. God knows it wasn't going to be easy that was for sure. Even now he could feel his throat thicken at the thought of Stephanie.
"What's happened Paul?" his mother asked cautiously.
He sighed softly and turning his head, his brown eyes settled on his mother.
"I've left Steph."
Patricia's face immediately fell in shock and she shook her head in bafflement.
"Why on earth would you leave her, Paul? God, it was only yesterday Stephanie was talking about the wedding plans to me and….."
Her husband touched her arm silencing her.
"Patricia, let Paul explain himself. I'm sure he's got very good reasons."
She nodded and reaching for her son's hand, she smiled at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'm just shocked that's all."
"I know. And believe me, it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make but it was for the best. I couldn't risk hurting her any more than I have already."
Just then his hand lifted to rub at his forehead. Patricia's brow crinkled with her concern.
"Are you still getting headaches?"
Paul nodded and brought his hand down. His face was pale and strained with the pain. "I've just taken a couple of tablets in the kitchen. They'll hopefully kick in soon."
There was a pause filled by the rhythmic ticking of the carriage clock on the mantelpiece before his father's voice asked him gently.
"Why did you leave her, son?"
Paul bowed his head once more, his blonde strands falling over his face. His brown eyes stared blindly at the patterned carpet. He suddenly felt embarrassed and ashamed at the truth. And he should be ashamed. Look at what he had become. He was like some deranged psycho and he could only imagine his parents' reaction once they found out that their normally passive son was a complete basket case.
Paul let out a shaky breath as he felt his mother squeeze his hand encouragingly. As he glanced up at her, he saw the gentle, caring expression on her face and he knew that she would support him no matter what. His father would too. God knows they always had been there for him and that was the incentive he needed to finally admit the truth.
"It's me. It's been ever since I left the hospital. I can't sleep. I'm constantly losing my temper at little things. Things that don't even matter but I'm just so fucking angry all the time. There's so much rage inside me that I can't sit still. I can't control it. So instead I'm lashing out at Stephanie and anything else that gets in my way. Christ, I even wrecked the house the other day."
Paul paused pressing his lips together as he felt his frustration burn in his gut. He was so tired and unable to control his emotions any longer. In fact just talking about them was beginning to overwhelm him. He could feel the lump burning in his throat and the tears welling in his eyes. Of course it didn't help that every second he was sitting here, his mind wanted to dwell on the woman and child he had just left behind. His heart was breaking at the simple thought of them.
"So that's why I had to leave Mom." he continued, his brown eyes going wide, pleading for his parents to understand. "I mean can you imagine if one day instead of a vase or a lamp I actually took my temper out on Stephanie or God forbid the baby."
Paul's words stuck in his throat and he couldn't stop the solitary tear that trickled down his cheek. He sniffed and angrily wiped it away but it was quickly followed by another. His composure began to crumble as his reality came crashing down on him. Knowing what he had put Stephanie through these past couple of months made him hate himself. He loathed this person he had become. He was like some kind of wild animal and it was no wonder Stephanie was scared of him. He was scared of himself and who knows what he was capable of? He felt so out of control and horribly alone.
Just then Paul felt his mother wrap her arms around him and he buried his head into her shoulder. Suddenly he was that little boy again. The frightened little boy who needed to feel safe, who needed to find some reassurance that some way, somehow, everything would be right again. But how could it be right when he'd driven away the one person who made him complete. Stephanie was his heart and he just didn't work properly without her. Yet he'd have to find a way just like he'd have to find a way to rebuild his life without her in it because Stephanie wasn't an option for him. He'd ended that dream the second he'd made her feel scared and threatened. Letting her love him was just too much of a risk and it was a gamble he couldn't let her make.
Paul let out a strangled sob as his emotions finally got the better of him and through frightened breaths and tears he finally let go allowing himself to cry for what he had lost. Paul cried for Stephanie, he cried for his unborn daughter and deep inside, a little piece of himself cried for him too.
Paul's eyes flickered open but he quickly shut them again as the bright sunlight streamed through the open blinds hitting his face. Groaning softly, he turned his head and his big hand lifted to rub at his left eye as he blearily peered at the clock on the nightstand. He was surprised to learn it was ten minutes after eleven which meant he'd actually managed to get a few hours sleep after tossing and turning practically all night. Not that he had expected to get any sleep in the first place. He hardly slept nowadays anyway and especially not without Stephanie there beside him.
Deliberately pushing that thought of Stephanie from his mind, Paul pulled back the covers and got out of bed. As his hand absently scratched at his stomach, he wondered why his mother had let him sleep so late. When he and Lynn had stayed at home, she would always wake them up by eight and that included weekends and the school holidays. But then again, it had been the early hours of the morning by the time they'd finished talking and his parents had eventually called it a night. It was little wonder they had let him rest.
Pressing his lips together to stifle a yawn, Paul stretched his arms in front of him and made his way towards the bathroom and into the shower. As soon as the hot water hit his body, he closed his eyes and his thoughts automatically drifted to Stephanie despite his reluctance to think about her. It just hurt too much yet his mind constantly wanted to torture him by remembering her. Paul felt a pang in his chest as an image of her beautiful face flashed through his head. He tried to ignore the knot of guilt knowing she would no doubt be upset he had left but his only solace was that she wouldn't be dealing with this alone. She would have Shane and Marissa there supporting her and no doubt Vince would be rubbing his hands with glee once he found out he was gone. The old bastard would be celebrating too if he got the chance to. Of course he'd put on a good display for his daughter telling Stephanie how sorry he was and then probably proceed to bad mouth him any chance he got. His name would be trash by the time Vince was done with him but right now that was the least of his concerns. Vince could say what the fuck he liked. He just didn't care any more.
Paul sighed softly as he bowed his head, placing his hands on the tiled wall and letting the water cascade down his massive back. His only concern was that Stephanie understood why he had left. God knows he couldn't stand the thought of her hating him for what he had done. Although deep down, he knew that probably wouldn't be the case. Stephanie wasn't capable of hate. She had such a big heart and was so full of love and kindness that she was the sweetest girl he knew. And the strongest. How much shit had she been through herself without having to put up with his mess. And although Stephanie was beginning to remember tiny details of her life every day, the recovery from her amnesia was a long, slow process. A process that had to take a back seat to his own screwed up issues. Stephanie definitely had to rue the day she ever met him. Christ knows her life had been one big fucking mess ever since they got together.
Feeling his chest ache at the thought of her regret, Paul turned off the water and stepped out the shower. Grabbing a towel, he hastily wrapped it around his waist and ignoring the cold water that dripped from his hair, he headed back in the direction of the bedroom to grab his toothbrush from his bag. That's when he felt his footsteps falter and he stood there literally frozen to the spot. Stephanie was sitting on the bed.
As her ocean blue eyes stared up at him, Paul felt himself struggling for air, drowning in her beauty. He looked at her not quite daring to believe that she was really here. That Stephanie was real.
"Now there's a sight that's worth travelling a couple of hundred miles for." she smiled.
Her playful tone confused him and Paul watched her astounded as she stood up and walked towards him. His heart was now racing in his chest as he tried to figure out why the hell Stephanie was acting like this. Surely she should be shouting at him and screaming that he was a bastard for leaving her. He had been prepared for that although he thought he would have had to face those screams of anger down the phone. He wasn't prepared for this; to have Stephanie face to face standing there right in front of him teasing him like nothing had happened. To say he was confused was a total understatement.
Raking his fingers through his wet strands, Paul's wary brown eyes narrowed in her direction. "Steph, what are you doing here?" he asked her.
Stephanie sighed softly seeing the anxiety in his face and taking his left hand in hers, she noticed that his fingers were cold and they were slightly shaking. She squeezed them gently trying to reassure him as she smiled at him once more. Paul was so scared and so was she. Scared she would have to spend the rest of her life without him. Well that wasn't going to happen; not if she had anything to do with it. Being without him just wasn't an option for her. Not when she loved him with every fibre of her being. Paul was her heart and soul; her everything and she refused to leave here without him.
Lacing her fingers through his, Stephanie's blue eyes were soft as they scanned his handsome face. "I know you think that leaving me was for the best." she said.
Paul slowly nodded his head as she lifted her other hand brushing back the wet strands of hair that had fallen over his face. Being so close to her was making his heart race a hundred miles an hour.
"But I promised I wouldn't give up on you Paul and I meant it." she told him.
His jaw flickered as he looked at her for a moment, touched by her gesture before slowly shaking his head.
"Steph, I can't take the chance. Don't you understand?"
"Of course I do. But Paul, you're not that kind of man. I know you and I know you would never intentionally hurt me."
Paul paused for a moment, his brow crinkling as he furrowed his brow. His sad brown eyes stared back at her as he slowly released her hand, stepping back and distancing himself from her.
"How can you say that after the way you reacted yesterday? You were scared of me Steph. I know it and you know it too.
His face was sad as he watched her carefully. Stephanie sighed and realised there was no point in lying to him. Paul knew her far too well; sometimes better than she knew herself. And besides, if she wanted to get through to him, she at least had to have the decency to be honest with him.
"Okay." she nodded lifting her shoulder in a slight shrug. "I'll admit I was a little frightened but I don't want to lose you over it because the truth is it's even scarier for me to be without you."
Stephanie's hand reached for him, gripping his thick wrist and feeling his gentle warmth as her blue eyes looked deeply into his, pleading with him.
"Please, Paul. I want to fight for us. I want us to be a proper family."
"And so do I Stephanie. More than anything in this world but do you honestly think I made my decision lightly? It took everything I had to walk out that door yesterday. I don't know if I could have the strength to walk away from you again."
"Well you won't have to find the strength because I'm not letting you go Paul. Ever. It's as simple as that." she said determinedly as she took both his hands and placed them on her stomach. She saw Paul's expression soften as he felt the movement inside; the movement that reminded him of the child growing in there. A child that was a product of the love they had for each other. A love that she knew could survive anything including this.
"You feel that, don't you?"
A gentle smile pulled at the corner of Paul's mouth and Stephanie gripped his hands even tighter.
"That's our daughter kicking in there. Don't you think we owe it to her to fix this mess?"
As the baby moved again, Paul closed his eyes. It felt amazing to know that was his baby girl in there; a baby girl who would rely on him and depend on him; the same baby girl who needed her father to protect her from all the bad things in life. And that was the problem. How was he supposed to protect his daughter when he couldn't even protect her from himself?
Paul's heart was heavy as his eyes blinked open. Stephanie was watching him intently and he felt sick to his stomach knowing he couldn't give her what she wanted. That once again, he was going to hurt her but it was for the best. He knew it and he had to make sure Stephanie knew it too. Glancing away, Paul slowly pulled his hands from hers and stepped back.
"I think we owe it to our baby not to let her grow up with a psycho for a father."
Stephanie heard the defeated tone in his deep voice. She sighed softly as he walked away and sat down on the bed. The creak of the mattress echoed oddly around the room. Her heart went out to Paul as his shoulders slumped and he bowed his head, placing it in his hands. She knew this whole thing had been so tough on him; the attack, the injury and now this. Paul was so sure he was losing it that all logic had completely left his mind. He just couldn't see any way out of this. It had left him broken and beaten. But she was determined to fight and make him see sense and to let him know what she loved him no matter what.
Rolling her lips together thoughtfully, Stephanie crossed the room and carefully knelt in front of him taking his hands and placing them in hers. He refused to look at her as she rested her forearms on his thighs and instead he focused on their joined hands, his thumb lightly tracing over her knuckles.
"Paul, look at me. Please." she urged him.
There was a moment's hesitation before he slowly lifted his head and she could see the devastation in his incredible brown eyes.
"Paul, you're not crazy." she told him softly.
She saw his mouth open to interrupt but she shook her head quickly to stop him.
"Please, I need to say something first."
Paul licked his lips slowly nodding his head.
"You and I both know how serious the injury to your head was. I mean, I could have lost you for good, that's how serious it was. And even now, you've not completely recovered. The headaches and your temper? They're obviously side effects from your injury, Paul and I think you need to go to the doctor and get it checked out. They'll be able to help you."
"Lock me up you mean."
Stephanie's nose screwed up in confusion as her blue eyes searched his face.
"Why would they lock you up? You're ill not insane."
Paul lifted his shoulder in a shrug. "Then how do you explain it all, Steph? How do you explain the fucked up dreams? The insomnia? Not to mention the fact that I lose it and feel the need to smash in everything in my sight….."
"Wait. What dreams Paul?"
He dropped his head once more unable to look her in the eye. Instead he toyed with her hand, his thick fingers absently twisting the diamond she wore.
"Do you remember that day I spoke to the police in the hospital?"
He glanced up to see Stephanie nod at him. Her face wore a gentle expression.
"Well, that was when it all hit me. What happened to me, I mean. In fact it hit me pretty hard and that night I had a dream and I've been having it ever since."
"What's your dream about?" she asked him.
Paul immediately shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."
"But Paul it might help you."
He shook his head once more, this time his brown eyes pleading with her urgently. "No Steph, please. Because every time I think about it, I panic or I get angry and that's when I lose it. And I'm not losing it. Not with you. Not today."
Stephanie nodded her head and squeezed his hand reassuringly. "I understand. I do. But baby, having dreams doesn't mean you're crazy."
Paul's mouth lifted in a sad smile as he shrugged his left shoulder. "Maybe not but it sure as hell makes me feel that way."
As he glanced down at their hands once more, he heard the determination in Stephanie's voice when she spoke.
"First thing in the morning we're going to the doctor."
His brown eyes widened, panicked as he looked up at her. "But Steph….."
Stephanie shook her head as she lifted one of her hands away from his and placed it softly over his mouth.
"Paul, do you want to fight for us or not?"
She watched his brown eyes flicker with his emotion as he slowly nodded his head. Stephanie felt her eyes gloss over with tears as she smiled at him. They were tears of relief; relief that she might finally be getting through to him. She moved her hand from his mouth to cup his face and her thumb began to absently stroke his cheek.
"Good because I want to fight for us too. So first thing in the morning, we're going to the doctor and we're going to find out for sure what's going on with you. We need to know out what we're dealing with and when we do we're going to beat this Paul but the only way we're going to do it is together. You and me."
She paused as he turned, his lips brushing over the corner of her palm. His head moved forward until it rested against hers and Stephanie breathed him in.
"We're unstoppable Levesque." she told him as her fingers tangled in his damp hair and loosely clutched the blonde strands. "I mean, really? How much shit have we had to put up with since we got together? But you know what? We've always managed to get through it in the end and we'll get through this too.
Paul's lips curved up gently as he placed his hand over hers.
"Yeah well that's the McMahon stubbornness for you. They never give up."
Stephanie smiled back but her expression turned serious as she looked deep into his eyes. "And I'm never going to give up on you. So don't even try and get rid of me. It won't work."
Their noses nuzzled together and her eyes fluttered shut as his warm lips pressed tenderly against hers.
"Thank you." he breathed against her mouth.
"What for?" she asked him as they broke apart and her eyes opened once more.
"For not giving up on me and for being strong enough to fight for the both of us right now."
Stephanie's hand gently stroked his face. "I made you a promise, remember? Now, it's your turn to make a promise to me."
"Anything."
"I want you to promise that you'll never leave me again. I don't think my heart could take it."
Paul swallowed thickly pushing back the hard lump in his throat. His facial expression was sombre and sincere as he cupped her face in his hands and looked straight into her ocean blue pools making his chest feel weak.
"I promise. I'm so sorry for everything, Steph."
"Hey, I only wanted a promise. I didn't need an apology."
She brushed her lips over his once more and there was no mistaking the adoration in her eyes as she told him.
"I love you Paul. Everything is going to be okay."
"I love you too baby." he whispered. "God, I love you so much."
Paul pulled her into his arms and he held onto her tightly. Words couldn't explain how grateful he was to Stephanie for coming after him and stopping him from making the biggest mistake of his life. She was right. He had to fight. He sure as hell wasn't going to let this thing win. He was going to beat it, whatever it was, and he wasn't going to give in. He owed it to himself and most of all, he owed it to Stephanie and his baby girl; his family. Because they were his life and they meant everything to him. They were also his strength and in them he would find the strength to confront his demons and finally beat them once and for all. Stephanie believed in him and it was time he started to believe in himself too.
