Sit Down Shut Up Think About God or, Are You There, God? It's Me, Marco.
#30 Necromancy
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"A cockroach? A cockroach? Are you serious? And Helmacrons? I just got killed as a cockroach by Helmacrons?"
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"Seriously, I couldn't even go out getting mauled by Hork-Bajir or falling to my death or doing some heroic sacrifice or something? Helmacrons?"
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"Oh, man, this had better not be the afterlife. Blank space? No pearly gates and Playstation? This is going to be a really boring eternity if I don't even get to watch some paint dry."
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"I never thought I'd say this, but I prefer history class to heaven. I'm just going to assume you get better. Or that I did not seriously just die as a cockroach. From Helmacrons."
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"Look, I really don't want to be dead. Not like this. I have people who need me. I can't be dead."
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"Do I get reincarnated as Shaquille O'Neal now?"
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"Hello? Is anyone there?"
I AM HERE.
"Oh, great, it's you."
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"Who do you think you are, anyway? God? You get the six of us to do your dirty work and act like you're some almighty chessmaster up there, and meanwhile we're getting limbs hacked off and nearly dying? Is that how this works? Because no offense, that's pretty bogus. I'd opt out if I thought I could."
WOULD YOU?
"Didn't I?"
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"Your game sucks, you know that?"
IT IS UNFORTUNATE, THE WAY THIS GAME IS UNFOLDING. YOU ARE DOING WELL, BUT THE COST HAS BEEN HIGH.
"Yeah, no shit. You know you're dicking a bunch of kids around, right? Jake's aged about thirty years since he was thirteen. And now I'm dead. That's going to be a cheerful team meeting."
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"You know, my dad, I know he just got married again, but I don't know if he's going to be able to take losing another family member. Oh, God, that's the reason I didn't want to do this in the first place…"
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"Do I get a redo? Try again? Put another quarter in and go back home and not get killed as a cockroach by the fucking Helmacrons?"
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"I have to live. My dad and…Jake and the war…my mom…I know, I mean, I know I was careless, but this can't be it."
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"So is this the afterlife? Some big, blank, cosmic waiting room? Hanging out in Blandsville with the universe's most manipulative shadowy man-behind-the-curtain? What, you can't afford to hire a decorator?"
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"Am I even dead?"
NO. YOUR TIMELINE DOESN'T END HERE.
"Well, thanks a lot for keeping me updated! I thought I was dead! What's your problem? Is this some sort of game to get me to appreciate life? Because I can tell you right now I already appreciate it a lot. Wait, wait, don't tell me, is this the same kind of mindgame you pulled on Tobias? An 'I'll give you what you want' deal and then what you want turns out to be an even bigger mess than before? There's no way I'm doing that."
WHAT DO YOU WANT, MARCO?
"How about we skip what I want and go straight to what would make me happiest?"
I WAS MERELY ASKING. I DIDN'T PROMISE ANYTHING.
"Thanks for nothing. Again."
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"So why am I still here? Is this an interdimensional pep talk or something?"
YOU ARE UNCONSCIOUS.
"Are you sure I'm not dead? I just got my heart blown up by the Mighty Midgets. That's usually veering pretty close to dead."
YOU ARE NOT DEAD. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?
"Is that a joke? From you?"
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"You were there, weren't you, on that day I skipped school and ran into my mom again."
YES.
"Not in an always there sense, either. You orchestrated that."
YES.
"You hand-picked us didn't you? Or at least me and Tobias and probably Ax. That's too many coincidences for random chance."
YES. YOU ARE A CLEVER ONE.
"If you weren't such a colossal pain in the ass, I'd take that compliment."
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"Does it all turn out alright?"
I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.
"You send an alien prince to give us animal powers, you set me up against my own mom, you have us go head-to-head with an evil race of parasites, and you can't even tell me it turns out alright?"
I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS YET. I ONLY MAKE EDUCATED GUESSES.
"What's your educated guess?"
I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.
"You're so encouraging."
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"So are you going to tell me about yourself? Or why you've made our lives totally insane?"
I WILL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR TIME COMES.
"Oh. Then tell me later. A lot, lot later."
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"I'm going to come after you if I get stuck as a roach."
THAT WILL BE UP TO YOU.
"It feels like in about ten minutes, it's not going to be up to me anymore."
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"So do I ever get to save Mom, or is all this stress about it for nothing?"
I CAN'T ANSWER THAT.
"Okay. Figures. I'll get more specific. Is Mom dead?"
NO.
"…Okay. Okay."
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"I think I'm waking up now."
