Disclaimer: Merlin is not mine.
A/N: I wanted to go into the intimacies of Arthur and Merlin's relationship and this just sort of tumbled out.
.~.
Bonus Chapter 14 - Merlin is NOT the girl
.~.
Merlin had recently been - surprise, surprise - having some difficulties in his relationship with Arthur. It seemed that they had been butting heads more than usual. He really needed to get some help from an impartial party. He decided to have a heart to heart with his best friend and queen of all Camelot - she always helped him see sense. Thankfully, Gwen had time to meet with him that morning. They met at their usual secluded spot in the rose gardens.
"Good morning, Merlin," said Gwen, as the young warlock approached her.
"Morning," he said listlessly.
Gwen sighed, patted the spot next to her on the garden bench, and got ready to listen. "What did Arthur do now?"
"He's being a prat," Merlin mumbled.
"More than usual?" Gwen asked without missing a beat.
"Haha," Merlin said sarcastically, but her remark got Merlin to smile a little, so she considered it a win. "He makes me so mad, sometimes. He keeps calling me the girl in the relationship."
"Well, are you?" Gwen asked, managing to keep a straight face. She reminded herself that she was there to help Merlin, not gain amusement from his story.
"Kind of," Merlin admitted. "But so what if I'm more in tune with my feelings than he is? That doesn't make it a bad thing."
"Of course not," said Gwen, trying to sound consoling.
"And so what if I tear up when he tells me that I made him the king he is today? That's completely justifiable right?" Merlin looked at her anxiously.
"Completely," Gwen agreed.
"And so what if I cry almost every time I orgasm with him?"
"Right- what?" Gwen tilted her head, confused. "You cry?"
"Well, actually it's a mix of crying and crying out. Sometimes I can get pretty loud and Arthur says it sounds like I'm in pain. You don't do that?" Merlin stared.
Gwen shook her head.
"Oh no! I'm weird," Merlin moaned.
Gwen tried very hard not to laugh but didn't quite succeed. She loved it when Merlin was unintentionally funny. It was one of his quirks.
"Shut up!" Merlin grumbled. "You know what I mean. I'm obviously weird because of the whole magic thing, and now this makes me even weirder!"
"Maybe I could ask Morgana if this happens to her?" Gwen offered.
"No!" Merlin blanched. "I don't want to know any of the details of her sex life with Sir Leon. I'd never look at them in the same way again."
"Why not? You know all about me and Lance."
"That's different," said Merlin.
"Why?"
"I don't know, it just is!" Merlin screeched. "Oh no," he realized. "This is what Arthur was talking about. Now I'm being overly dramatic. I'm doomed!"
"I wouldn't say that," said Gwen.
"You're just trying to be nice," Merlin whined.
"Okay, you got me," Gwen admitted. "But it's alright to be a little dramatic, sweetie. Arthur probably finds it very entertaining."
"I'm glad all I'm good for is being entertaining," Merlin muttered.
"Now you're just feeling sorry for yourself." Gwen tutted disapprovingly.
"Wouldn't you if you had my problem?"
"Can you elaborate on it for me?"
"But it's embarrassing," Merlin tried.
"So what?" said Gwen. "I'll tell you this - I do have some intense orgasms, when I'm feeling really connected with Lance. Is that what you're talking about?"
"Sort of." Merlin blushed yet again and Gwen's heart went out to him. She wanted to help him, but she needed more information before giving him advice. Thankfully, Merlin trusted her enough to explain more.
"What I'm talking about is that, when I come, I feel ripped apart by thousands of emotions. My soul is scattered across the universe and I can become a part of the unity of the cosmos again, just for that one moment. When I'm coming down from the high, I have a hard time coming back to my body. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Other times I'm still in the process of releasing my emotions and I can't help but cling to Arthur, holding desperately to the one person in the whole entire universe who completes me. Do you feel anything like that?"
"Wow," Gwen said softly. "To answer your question, no, I've never felt anything like what you're describing. You experience all that?"
"That and more," said Merlin. "I haven't even mentioned the part about my magic. There are times when I'm intimate with Arthur I see this glowing purple light and I-"
Merlin stopped when he noticed Gwen's wide-eyed expression. "This is freaking you out. I'm sorry, sometimes I ramble and I-"
"No," Gwen reassured him. "I'm just fascinated by it all."
"Hmph," said Merlin, crossing his arms and glaring at her.
"Alright, here's a question for you," said Gwen. "What do you think Arthur feels when he orgasms?"
"Just pleasure, I guess," said Merlin. "I've never asked him directly. He looks really satisfied, somewhat blissed out, and possibly a little drunk. He always thanks me afterwards."
"Aww," Gwen sighed. "Lance does that too, when he remembers. I don't think most men do that, though."
"No kidding. We're lucky," said Merlin. "I just wish Arthur could feel what it's like for me. It's so annoying - he comes down from his orgasm pretty quickly and he's hardly out of breath. He doesn't have to deal with emotions wrecking his perfect orgasm. Whereas, with me, I'm different. Almost every time, I experience this intense feeling of longing, sadness, or heartache. But when I reach that peak and our souls connect, his love chases those feelings away. Then, when I come back to myself, I HAVE to cling to him. If he ever denied me that, if he just got up and left me by myself, I'd be lost and our trust would broken. It scares me to death, Gwen. I'm so afraid that might happen, maybe if we had a bad fight and-"
"Merlin, is Arthur a man who would ever do that to you?" Gwen asked, exasperated.
"No," Merlin realized.
"Then don't worry about it."
"Oh."
"I thought you were supposed to be the wise one," Gwen teased.
"Apparently that particular insight doesn't extend to my own personal issues," Merlin snorted. "Figures."
"Don't let it bother you," Gwen said bracingly. "You aren't any different from the rest of us, in that respect anyway. You need an outsider's point of view to help you sort through your problems."
"Good thing I've got you," said Merlin. "Sometimes I'll go to Morgana with things that have to do with magic, but I prefer to come to you. I've known you the longest and you're my best friend."
"Save for Arthur."
"Yes, that," said Merlin. "It's really nice to come to you, since I know you won't ever judge me. Morgana, she tries, but I can tell there's some judgement and fear there when I bring up certain topics. It's also nice to have someone who doesn't have magic, to get that perspective."
"Not to worry, I have absolutely no magical abilities whatsoever," said Gwen. "Some days I wish I did, but then I think about all the hardships that you and Morgana have endured and…" She shrugged. "I'm happy as I am. But back to you. I think it's normal that you want to cling to Arthur during your afterglow. That's what Lance and I do and we enjoy it. It makes us feel closer. Has Arthur ever said that he minds that part?"
"No," said Merlin. "Quite the opposite. He says that he likes to hold me afterwards."
"Good!" Gwen smiled. "So what's the problem?"
"I just think it's weird that it takes me so long to calm down," said Merlin. "Sometimes I shake uncontrollably of cold, or I have trouble catching my breath, or I feel like I'm going to faint. Arthur has to rub my back and reassure me that everything's going to be alright."
"I think Arthur probably likes that he can be there for you when you're at your most vulnerable," said Gwen. "It probably makes him feel more like the man you want him to be, your protector and all."
"And that's when I turn into a girl," Merlin groaned. "I hate that I'm so weak that I can't control that part. I've tried but I just can't."
"Maybe you aren't supposed to control it. Maybe you experience that because your magic amplifies what you're already feeling," Gwen suggested. "Maybe it needs that kind of release, and you're going through sort of an energetic cleansing process."
"I never thought of it like that," said Merlin, feeling cheered. "It's probably due to my magic! Maybe I should ask Morgana about this."
"It couldn't hurt," said Gwen, her sunny smile reaching all the way to her dark eyes. "But about this 'girl' business, Merlin. Let me ask you something. What would happen if, after you shared a really intimate moment, you called Arthur a girl?"
"He couldn't handle it even if I said it to him in jest," Merlin realised. "Sure, if I ever did, he'd just brush me off but I know that saying something like that would really shake his confidence, so I never cross that line. This is fantastic!" The court sorcerer crowed. "This proves that I'm the stronger of us in this case. Therefore I conclude that I am not the girl in the relationship. Apparently, we both are."
Gwen chuckled. "I'm glad you've figured that out."
"You know, I really don't like that expression, calling someone a girl," said Merlin, making a disgusted face. "Connecting with your feminine side isn't a weakness. Saying "you're such a girl" is a powerful insult, and it really shouldn't be used against anyone."
"I couldn't have said it better myself," said Gwen. "Morgana will be so pleased to hear that you said that."
"Arthur won't," said Merlin, grinning as he imagined how that conversation would go. "But I'm going to tell him any way. I really hate it when he says that - it really hurts me. It doesn't serve any purpose, other than to make him feel superior. If he wants to call me an idiot, fine. That's kind of our thing." Merlin blushed. "But him calling me a girl has a lot of negative connotations to it that I'd rather avoid."
"Good for you," said Gwen. "I know bringing that up to Arthur will take courage, but I know you can do it."
"Arthur never makes it easy for me," said Merlin. "But I enjoy the challenge."
After thanking Gwen, he about-faced and headed back towards the castle. But before he could get far, he heard a suspicious rustling noise.
"Ahem." Arthur stepped out behind a rosebush.
"How much did you hear?" Merlin asked, after he'd recovered from the shock of seeing his lover.
"Enough."
"I didn't mean for you to hear all of that." Merlin gave Arthur a guilty look.
"I didn't know you were feeling all of that," said Arthur, sounding concerned. "You should've told me earlier."
"Will you stop calling me a girl now?" Merlin pleaded.
"Yes."
"Really?" Merlin's eyes light up. "No protests at all?"
Arthur shrugged. "It's important to you. I'll probably forget and it'll slip out, I've been saying that kind of thing for a long time."
"Thanks," Merlin said quietly. "I appreciate your effort."
Arthur grimaced and turned away.
"What is it?" Merlin came up behind him and put his arm around Arthur's shoulder, who tensed. "It's alright, you can tell me."
"This isn't easy for me to say, but you're right - when I say something like that I'm usually trying to cover up that I did something that makes me look like a girl." Arthur flushed at Merlin's incredulous expression. "I turn the tables on you, so that you'll be distracted and hopefully you don't figure it out."
"Arthur. You don't have to hide anything from me." Merlin caught his king's gaze and calmly held it. "Our days of keeping secrets are long past. You know I won't judge you."
"I know," said Arthur. "And I appreciate your trust. But I'm still fighting many years of conditioning from my father that sharing my feelings makes me weak."
"That's okay," said Merlin. "A lot of times, it's hard for me to share how I'm feeling too."
"Let me ask you something," said Arthur, with a knowing glint in his eye. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I'm curious. It's about your orgasms. Are they always that intense, or is it just when you're with me?"
"When I'm with you," Merlin admitted.
"Wow, that makes me feel good," said Arthur, his chest puffing up with pride. "I'm glad that I can do that to you."
"Yeah?" Merlin said shyly.
"Yeah."
"But it's weird, Arthur." Merlin claimed. "I'm weird."
"It's you," said Arthur with a shrug. "And you're perfect to me. That's all that matters. Alright?"
"Uh huh," said Merlin, his brain starting to fog up as he felt the inexplicable pull towards Arthur just before their lips met.
.~.
End Bonus Chapter
A/N: I really hate it when Arthur calls Merlin a girl in the show, and I hate that us fanfic writers use it in our fics, just because they said it in the show. I think it's really offensive, but it's used for comedic purposes, so people don't always realize that it's offensive. I think it's almost as bad as saying 'that's so gay'. I'm very much an advocate for gender equality - well all equality really - so yeah. I didn't want to come off as preachy, but I wanted to bring it to your attention. I think that when all of us, boys and girls, but boys especially feel like they are safe to express their feelings, our relationships will be easier, and our world will be a better place. That's just the Trekkie in me though :)
