What is up, bitches? Let me start off by saying this should've been out a lot sooner, but real life got in the way. I've been super busy pretty much from the start of the new year. On the plus side, I got a lot of shit done, including things that I've been putting off for years. But then I couldn't get this out in a timely manner, and that truly sucks.

But it's here now and I hope you all like it. It's something different; something I haven't done since Genma's "Headbutt" chapter. And just like that one, this too was intended to be something shorter but soon took on a life of its own and I just had to let it play out.

That said, I don't count it as an actual chapter since it doesn't do anything to advance the story by itself. It mainly serves to give you some background on characters who will be showing up very soon, saving me the trouble of doing it in, say, the next REAL chapter and bogging it down. As usual I've done my best to make it entertaining and worth the read and the wait.

Let me know if I succeeded, folks.

XXXX

(Sunagakure no Sato)

'Why did it have to be me?' Temari asked herself for the twentieth time in the last five minutes.

Of course she knew why. Everyone knew why, or at least thought they did, though no one would ever say as much. Not when the Kazekage was always looking for a reason to throw more meat into the grinder.

The blonde girl slowly and quietly walked the halls of the Kazekage's mansion, knowing exactly where she needed to go, dreading every step of the journey. She was off to see her little brother and tell him the "good news", as the Kazekage had put it. It seemed as though whatever had happened to Konoha in the last week wasn't enough to keep them from hosting the Chūnin Exams, and the message had gone out across the Elemental Nations.

Now it was her turn to play courier. In another life, in another world, maybe her older brother would have gone with her in a show of solidarity(1). And maybe in another world, someone else would be the unfortunate middle child. And maybe in another world, her family would actually BE a family. And maybe…

"Excuse me, Temari-sama." the girl blinked as she nearly bumped into one of the mansion's many…servants. A butler clad in the tan jumpsuit that marked him as one of the lower-tier workers.

Jumpsuits that bore a conspicuous resemblance to those worn by inmates in Sunagakure's main prison.

Temari said nothing to the man who took a wide curve around her down the hall, though she kept her eye on him until he was well past her. Specifically his face, caked with makeup to such a degree that it looked more like a mask.

She remembered a time when that terrified her, seeing jittery, twitchy, almost frantic people walking around her home looking like living porcelain dolls. But over the years it became such a common sight that she was more than used to it. She didn't even bat an eyelash when she went out into the village and heard the nickname the citizens had given the mansion: The House of Clowns.

But as with most clowns, the ones that roamed the halls of the Kazekage's residence weren't at all happy. No, if there were ever clowns who had every reason to be miserable, they were it; for they were living on borrowed time from the moment they came to work for Sunagakure's leader. Walking into a room and finding a butler or maid dead was practically routine. Some would hang from the rafters, swinging gently back and forth from the makeshift nooses around their necks. Others would be slumped over and lifeless in some dark corner, overdosed on whatever drug was supposed to keep them awake and help them cope with their lot in life.

But as awful as their ends may have been, in the House of Clowns there was always a worse way to go. Just as frequently bodies would be found laid out on beds with shattered skulls, or purple bruises in the shape of fingers around their twisted and crushed necks.

And Temari would never forget the day she came across a man hanging upside down from a chain wrapped around his ankles, his body little more than a mass of bruises and contusions. His internal organs literally liquefied and leaking from the grotesque crater that used to be his mouth and face…

"Oh, God…" Temari stumbled and braced herself with one hand against a wall, while the other clamped over her mouth. The acrid taste of bile filled her mouth, but she quickly choked it back down with a violent shudder.

Yes, she would never forget that day. And she could only pray that she wasn't in for another one.

She knew her prayers had gone unanswered when feeling out her younger brother's chakra led her to one of the mansion's many guest rooms.

Steeling herself, Temari knocked. "Gaara? You in there?"

The reply was immediate and unnervingly cheerful. "Yep! Come on in, Onee-chan!"

Temari flinched when the door suddenly swung open. She caught sight of a tendril of sand as it retreated from the door, and followed it back to its master, her brother standing at the foot of a bed. She flinched again when she saw that he wasn't alone.

"I…I s-see that you're, uh…w-working." the blonde stammered, desperately wanting to look away, but knowing that she couldn't.

One of Gaara's many "quirks" was that he hated it when someone spoke to him without looking at him. To him, it was the ultimate example of rudeness. But if she looked at him, it was impossible to avoid looking at the unfortunate soul currently in his clutches.

"Yeah, I caught this one nearly asleep on her feet just a couple minutes ago." the redhead frowned and glanced down at the young maid on her knees in front of him. "Got her to confess that she hasn't slept in four days. Can you imagine that, Onee-san? Ninety-six hours without sleep?" Gaara shook his head in disbelief and "lightly" squeezed the woman's shoulders.

"W-Well sometimes ninjas on m-missions…" Temari trailed off, knowing there was no point in arguing, and mentally kicking herself for even trying.

"Become liabilities to their teammates." Gaara finished. "Impaired judgment, hallucinations, memory lapses; they might as well be under a Genjutsu! The human body NEEDS sleep, Onee-chan; there's no way around it." he again looked at the woman he held captive. "This one's gone so long without it, she's no longer effective at her job. If father gets wind of it, he'll fire her for sure, and then how will she provide for her family?"

Temari saw an opportunity and went for it. "W-Well father doesn't have to find out, Gaara. We can just leave her to sleep in here and it'll be fine; father never checks these rooms."

It took a couple seconds for the maid's sleep deprived mind to catch onto the chance she was being given, but when she did, she nodded as much as she dared

But, unfortunately, the youngest of the Kazekage's children wasn't having it.

"I wish it was that simple, but it usually isn't, Onee-chan." Gaara said with a somewhat sad expression. "Most insomniacs are incapable of getting to sleep on their own, and don't get any REM sleep if they do. And relying on drugs to do it is almost as unhealthy as not sleeping!"

"B-But-"

"I know you're trying to help, Onee-chan, and I appreciate it, but I don't need it. This is what I do; I am The Sandman, remember?" Gaara said with a bright smile, taking the utmost pride in his job and the title that came with it.

"I…Yes." Temari deflated. "Yes, you are."

The boy gave a firm nod. "That's right. Now, this might hurt a bit, ma'am, but it'll be worth it for the best night's sleep you've ever had!" and with a grin that might have been endearing on just about anyone else, Gaara leaned down, slipped his right arm around the maid's neck and squeezed. "So, Onee-chan, were you looking for me?"

Temari grimaced and forced herself not keep her eyes on Gaara. "Yes, father sent me to find you…" her traitorous eyes dipped just enough to lock with the poor woman's two seconds before they closed for the last time.

Yes, this would be a day she'd never forget; for she was sure that brief moment of eye-contact would haunt her for the rest of her life. However long that would be.

"What for? Does he need something?" Gaara asked in a mildly exasperated tone. He liked his father well enough, but it seemed like the only time the man called for him was when he wanted Gaara to work his Sandman magic on someone for him.

"No, it's about the Chūnin Selection Exams; we just received word that Konoha is still hosting them, and they will begin in three week." Temari said, bracing herself for what she knew was about to come next after the maid went limp in Gaara's grip.

The Jinchūriki had learned quickly at the start of his "career" that merely choking people out wasn't enough. Most would just wake back up a few seconds after he let go, once blood flow returned to the brain. Making sure they were down for a "full night's rest" required something extra.

A swift twist and an audible "crunch" later, and the maid was ready for bed. Gaara laid her down gently, not wanting to disturb her, then turned back to his sister with a smile that spoke of a job well done.

"Three weeks, eh? Well, we've waited this long, so I guess it's no big deal." the redhead said, keeping his voice low so as not to awaken the sleeper and undo his work.

"…Father also sent me to ask what you wanted to do in the meantime." Temari whispered after taking a moment to compose herself. "We can use the time for more training, but he also said we could travel to Konoha early and take a 'vacation'. See the sights, maybe buy some souvenirs to take back with us."

Gaara rolled his eyes. "So scope the place out and see if we can bribe anyone for information to send back." he scoffed, having no trouble breaking his father's "code".

Temari nodded, backing out of the room as soon as Gaara started walking towards the door. "So?"

"Father's got his spies; that's not our job." Gaara grunted, softly closing the door to the guest room behind him. "I say we use this time for some last minute training. What about you, Onee-chan?"

Temari barely managed to suppress a shiver at her brother's use of the honorific. At some point he had gotten it in his head that older sisters loved it when their little brothers called them that. She had a feeling it was their eldest sibling's doing, but couldn't say anything about it either way. As unsettling as it was coming from Gaara, Temari didn't dare reject his show of affection.

"Kankuro and I are all for more training. In fact, that's what I was doing before father called me and Kankuro into the office."

"Ah, so that's why you look so tired right now?" Gaara asked with a disapproving stare.

Temari's face broke out in a cold sweat, the fine hairs on the back of her neck stood on end and her heart rate skyrocketed all at once. "You look tired" were words you never wanted to hear out of The Sandman's mouth.

"H-Hey, the best way to ensure a good night's sleep is to exhaust yourself, right?" how Temari managed to get through the full sentence without trembling and stuttering, she'd never know.

"Very true." Gaara nodded happily. "Just make sure you don't overdo it, or you'll end up oversleeping and throwing off your internal clock."

"Yeah, and those are such a pain to set."

Gaara laughed then, before Temari could react, closed the distance between them for a quick hug. "I only worry because I care, Onee-chan. Sleep is a wonderful thing and too many people take it for granted…"

Temari detected the hint of bitterness in his voice, but she was far more concerned with trying to keep her skin from crawling right off her body and running away.

(Kirigakure no Sato)

James Winston walked through the ruins of the former Third Mizukage's home, back straight and head held high(2). Most would call him plain-looking, with buzz cut brown hair, brown eyes and a somewhat angular face with no real distinguishing features. Even his outfit was bland; nothing but a shirt, slacks and sandals, all in the same slate grey color. The only thing about him that stood out at all was his forehead protector, worn around his waist as a belt. The steel plate had a diagonal slash going right through the symbol of the Hidden Mist, marking him as a member of the Resistance.

And as a member of the Resistance, he couldn't help but take the time to look at his surroundings with an expression of equal parts awe and satisfaction.

There was a time when the Mizukage's palace was the most majestic structure in Kirigakure; arguably in the whole of Water Country. Constructed for the Third Mizukage early into his reign, it was hailed as the pinnacle of Mizu no Kuni architecture and proof that their designers and builders were the best in the world.

Flowing lines mathematically designed to be pleasing to the human eye. Ornate carvings that, through imagery alone, told the stories of the village's founding and all of its triumphs since. Grand arches that made the palace seem like it was built for giants, and made people feel small on a subconscious level. And fountains so spectacular, it wasn't uncommon for visitors to literally spend hours just staring at them.

Of course such a fantastic project put quite the dent in Kirigakure's overall wealth, and the resulting tax hikes made for bitter and angry citizens. But the Village Council assured the people that the palace was an investment in the future. It would be a tourist attraction, the first of many that would put Kirigakure on the map as a vacation destination and open up whole new streams of revenue. It would create even more jobs for architects and construction workers, because the rich, famous and powerful would see the magnificence of the palace and have to have something just like it. It was a symbol of the future; the monument to a new era.

If only they had known back then.

Shaking off thoughts of what could have been, James continued on his way until he came to room filled with a mist so thick he had no hope of seeing through it. Strangely, the mist stopped right at the threshold of the room, as if stuck behind an invisible wall. But a tentative finger poke confirmed that there was nothing blocking the way. It also confirmed that the vapor was absolutely saturated with chakra; he could literally feel the weight of it as soon as he touched it.

'Ken wasn't kidding when he said he was going to perfect the technique.' James thought as he swished his hand around inside the heavy mist, noting just how much resistance there was. It was very similar to having his hand in water, but it felt almost slimy.

James' teammate had developed an obsession with the Hidden Mist Technique that rivaled his obsession with revenge. So no one was surprised when Ken finally revealed that the technique was fueled by his need for retribution. Dubbing it the ultimate tool of his vengeance, Ken vowed to enhance the technique to such a degree that no one would be able to defeat it. And now that he had seen the fruits of his fellow Genin's labor, James was starting to believe he could do it.

However, James wasn't there to admire his coworker's abilities; he had a message to deliver.

"Ken, I've got news." the nondescript Genin called out.

Several seconds passed with no reply, but James took it in stride, standing at the threshold, back straight, feet together and hands clasped behind his back. The picture of a dutiful soldier. Then the mist started to disperse and his ears were greeted by the sound of rain.

'The mist is so dense that, without the chakra to sustain its form, it's immediately condensing into liquid.' James surmised, still not moving from his spot. Soon he was able to make out the shape of a person sitting on the floor of what was gradually revealed to be the Mizukage's private theater.

The huge room, nearly half of which was taken up by a stage, seemed to be mostly untouched by the destruction wrought upon the rest of the palace. A fact that didn't really sit well with James.

"What is it, Winston?" Ken demanded, his artificially distorted voice echoing off the walls and displaying the theater's acoustic qualities.

James rolled his eyes as he stepped into the room. There was a time when he thought his teammate's aura of mystery and standoffish demeanor made him cool. To his knowledge, few had ever seen his face, fewer still had heard his real voice, and though it was known that "Ken" was just an abbreviation of his real name, no one actually knew what it was. Kenshiro, Kentaro, Kenichi, Kensuke, Kenzaki, Kenpachi; it was a total mystery. And in those days James thought it was totally badass; Ken was basically a walking anime anti-hero! But the novelty had long since worn off and now James just found the other boy's antics annoying and immature.

"We just received word from Konohagakure that they are still hosting the Chūnin Selection Exams."

"Really?" Ken hummed as he stood up, water dripping from his form. "How foolish."

The last of the mist dissipated, allowing James to see the other Genin clearly. He was decked out in his typical ensemble of black boots, dark blue cargo pants, an armored vest and a midnight blue jacket lined with armor plates for an extra layer of protection. The number of pockets and compartments crowding Ken's pants, vest and jacket bordered on absurd, though James had to admit his teammate wore the "tacticool" look well.

But the centerpiece of the boy's outfit was the strange white helmet that encased his head. Smooth as an egg and just as featureless, the helmet was something of a technological marvel. Supposedly created by Ken's father, the helmet could change colors to suit his needs, and at the very least had a built-in air filter system, a shortwave radio and the voice changer Ken was so fond of. However, James had personally seen it deflect thrown kunai and keep Ken from getting his skull crushed by a Taijutsu master, so it was far more than just a fancy device.

The real mystery was how Ken was able to see out of it. Everyone knew how Hunter and ANBU masks worked like two-way mirrors, allowing the wearer to see as if they weren't wearing a mask at all. But they had to sacrifice protection for that capability, as it didn't work properly if the material was too thick or too hard. So Ken's helm was a point of confusion and debate for almost everyone who knew anything about it, and more than a few had come to the conclusion that he was blind. Of course the boy would never confirm or deny anything.

"We have twenty-three days until the Exams begin." James said.

"Hm. Then I'd say that gives us sixteen days to train before we should head out." Ken replied, audibly cracking his neck as he made to leave the room. "Go find Ichinose and let's get to it."

James frowned as Ken walked by him. That was another of the "blind" boy's more irritating traits: his penchant for giving orders.

"Ken."

"What now?" Ken snarled, stopping in his tracks but not turning to face his teammate.

"Are you going to be a problem when we get there?"

"…Excuse you?" Ken growled, killing intent beginning to roll off of him in waves.

James was unfazed. "Are you going to be a problem when we get to Konohagakure?" he repeated evenly. "He is most likely still alive, and there's a good chance we'll run into him. I need to know that you're willing to put aside your obsession for the sake of the mission."

"…If my words didn't convince you before, they won't convince you now." Ken seethed. "So you'll just have to wait and see how it plays out."

"Well, if you do try something and He doesn't kill you himself, don't come crawling back to us. Because I'll finish you off if I see you."

"You and what army, 'Winnie'?" Ken mocked.

"Compromise our mission, and you'll find out." James said, then ended the conversation by walking to the center of the theater, leaving Ken to silently storm away.

Looking around, James started preparing for a "light" workout.

While he'd never considered himself to have an eye for artwork or architecture, James could say with complete confidence that the Mizukage's palace had never looked better. The ornate carvings, fragmented and desecrated. The grand arches, cracked and crumbling. The spectacular fountains, reduced to dust and rubble.

Absolutely exquisite.

Save for one thing: this pristine eyesore of a theater. The monument to Kirigakure's new era was incomplete, and James now found himself in the unique and enviable position of providing the finishing touch.

(Darkness Country)

'You're sure this is it, Dread?' Suto Goji asked his "roommate" as he stared at an unending wall of pure darkness. It was the "border" of Darkness Country; a gargantuan portal to the Shadow Realm that formed a dome covering nearly four-hundred square miles, with his village directly in the center.

'For the last time, meatbag, I am sure!' the Dreadwraith hissed back from inside Suto's mind. Things had definitely changed between the two, but they still managed to get on each other's last nerve with minimal effort. 'We spent an entire week patrolling the border; this was and still is the weakest area I detected.'

'Well excuse me for wanting to be absolutely certain.' Suto shot back. 'You said yourself that if you use up too much power getting us in, you won't have enough to get us back out. And I don't fancy the idea of spending days in the Shadow Realm waiting for you to recharge.'

'And you think I do? If we get stuck in there and you die, I'll be stranded.'

'With no shortage of enemies who'd love to finish you off. Yeah, yeah, so you've told me.' Suto mentally scoffed. Ever since they'd developed their plan, the Dreadwraith never wasted an opportunity to let him know just how much of a personal risk it was taking.

'Insolent little shit.' the creature growled with only mild hostility. 'You're almost as bad as the brat.'

'Let's hope he's not as bad as you say.'

"You've found what you were looking for?" Suto flinched at the soft, feminine voice coming from directly behind him.

Turning around, he saw his dear wife, Rumiko. With the Dreadwraith granting him the ability to peer through the pitch blackness, Suto was able to make her out clear as day. His chest tightened as he took in her paper-white skin and red, dimly glowing eyes; reminders of his failure.

As if sensing his thoughts, Rumiko placed a comforting hand on his husband's cheek. But the cold appendage only made things worse as a lone tear left a trail down that same cheek.

"I'm sorry…" Suto choked out.

"I did what I had to do, Suto." Rumiko said with a sad smile, making a conscious effort not to show her teeth. "It was the only way. And that's the only reason I'm not dragging you back home and chaining you down right now. I've been where you are, and I understand."

"I don't want to leave you here." as much as he hated to say it, Suto no longer trusted his own people. Regardless of how they seemed to be willing to give Rumiko the benefit of the doubt, he had no doubts someone would try something while he was gone.

"You have to." Rumiko murmured, pressing her forehead to Suto's chest. "Someone has to be with the kids and keep things under control around here. Besides, I'd be more of a burden on you than anything else out there; UV light doesn't agree with me anymore."

"…Then what happens if this crazy plan actually works?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." Rumiko then pulled her husband in for a kiss.

Ever since she had come back she had noted a marked difference in their relationship that made her barely-beating heart sink. Suto still loved her, that much was abundantly clear, but it didn't make his clear hesitation to engage in any form of intimacy hurt any less. Gone were the unrestricted displays of affection that carried on from their dating years and never faded. If she pressed the issue he would go along with it, but he no longer initiated anything. Despite his vehement claims to the contrary, Suto was afraid of her.

So she was understandably caught off-guard when HE was the one who deepened their kiss into something far more passionate than the simple good luck charm she'd intended. But the shock was quickly replaced by raw desire. Before he could even think of pulling away, she grabbed two handfuls of his brown, sleeveless longcoat and proceeded to ravage his mouth in ways he had never experienced before.

'Ahem…'

Both Suto and his wife's eyes shot open as the all but leapt apart.

"You, uh…You need to go, Suto." Rumiko stammered, panting and, remarkably, blushing. "Before I change my mind about dragging you home and chaining you down."

"Right…Right, saving the village…I need to go do that. Um…"

"I'll be fine, the kids will be fine, the village will be fine." Rumiko smiled. "We'll all be here when you get back."

'Doesn't she mean "IF"?' the Dreadwraith snorted.

Suto very nearly said it himself, but bit his tongue before the words could escape. He had to admit the odds of success were terrible, but he'd faced worse and come out alive, if not on top. But he felt he had to say something, and only one other set of words came to mind.

"I love you."

Rumiko's smile widened into a grin, putting her inhumanly sharp teeth on full display.

"I love you, too." she replied, slowly backing away and clasping her hands together in an effort to keep from grabbing her husband. She knew that if she did, she wouldn't let him go.

Suto turned back to the wall of shadow and breathed heavily. 'You ready, Dread?'

'Are you?'

Suto patted himself down as he ran through his mental checklist.

Armored vest? Check.

Trusty katana? Check.

Full kunai holster? Check.

Shuriken? Check.

Smoke and Flash bombs? Check

Explosive notes? Check.

Medical kit? Check.

Spare weapons scroll? Check.

Spare outfit scroll? Check.

Canteen? Check.

Supernatural body-snatching frienemy? Check.

'Not in the least.' Suto responded.

'That'll have to do. Now, give me control.'

'Alright, but only because you asked so nicely.' Suto mentally scoffed as he allowed his consciousness to be moved aside.

Rumiko watched intently, seeing the exact moment when the "change" took place. It was very subtle when the two cooperated; little more than a slight shudder and barely-noticeable slouch in his posture. So far Rumiko was sure she was the only one who picked up on it, and hoped that no one else ever did. Just keeping her around had strained the citizens' trust in him enough.

She continued to watch as the entity Suto had dubbed "Dread" walked her husband's body into the darkness and out of their dimension.

(Whirlpool Country)

"You sent for us, mother?" Hōshima asked as he entered his mother's sizable office, his two siblings close behind him.

Kushina, seated at a large desk that only a few people knew was identical to the one in the Hokage's office in Konoha, looked away from her documents to address her children.

"I did. Sorry if I interrupted anything, but we just received some fantastic news!" the redhead grinned brightly. "Konoha is still hosting the Chūnin Exams!"

The triplets shared looks of confusion before Kagimi spoke up, "But what about that attack? Why in the world would they continue to host the Exams after such a thing?"

"This is Konoha we're talking about, here. History has shown how foolish they can be when their pride is on the line." Kuishiro snorted, then noticed that the flat stares his family was sending his way. "What?"

A tiny smile graced Kushina's lips as she shook her head lightly. "You're not far off the mark, Kui-chan," she admitted, "it's all for the sake of the dick-measuring contest going on between the Big Five. It's as much about posturing and showing off as it is actual firepower. However, this time Konoha's feeling a bit…insecure about the latter. So they've also asked us to bolster their ranks a bit."

"How?" Hōshima asked.

"I figure we can spare, say, a hundred ninjas to pose as tourists just in case something happens." Kushina shrugged. "And that will be in addition to you three, Kaiba-kun and myself."

"Ishimura?" Kuishiro said with no small amount of disdain. To the boy's credit, he only barely flinched when his mother shot him a warning look.

"He will be going as your Jōnin sensei, since he's the only one aside from myself who's taught all three of you at once." Kushina explained, looking her most difficult child right in the eyes, daring him to speak out against her friend again.

Kuishiro merely nodded and looked down, ignoring his sister's quiet snickering.

"When do we leave?" Hōshima inquired, all-business as usual.

"The Exams officially begin in twenty-three days." Kushina replied. "I'm thinking we head out six days before that; allowing three for travel and three to get yourselves settled in. Sound good?"

'Three days for travel?' Kuishiro thought with a mental huff. 'We could make it to Konoha in one without Ishimura.' with their inhuman stamina, the triplets and their mother would be able to literally run the whole way there with no problems. But Kaiba Ishimura, for all his skill, was still very much human in every regard and couldn't perform such a feat on his best day without overdosing on soldier pills.

Of course, the white-haired boy didn't dare voice his opinion.

"I'm good with that." Kagimi chirped.

"I have no objections." Hōshima drawled.

Not trusting his mouth not to get him into trouble, Kuishiro just nodded once again.

"Great!" Kushina clapped. "Tell you what, if you all can wait about ten minutes or so, I can finish up here and we can go get some lunch. Hm?"

"Cool! And I won the most rounds today, so I get to pick the place!" Kagimi said smugly as she and her brothers walked out of the office.

"More ramen. Yaaaay…" Kuishiro deadpanned.

"Hey, I don't hear you complaining when you're wolfing it down like you're afraid someone's gonna take it!" Kagimi huffed.

"Sometimes you DO take it." Hōshima countered.

"Just to keep you boys on your toes, Nii-chan." the black-haired girl shrugged.

"I'm sure."

Kagimi readied another retort, but noticed her other brother's sour expression and turned her attention to him instead.

"What are you so mad about now, Nii-san? I understood before; we all just knew Konoha was going to cancel the Exams, and most likely not participate when they were held somewhere else. But now everything's back on track and you still look like someone pissed in your cornflakes. What gives?"

Kagimi wasn't wrong; though she and Hōshima had been disappointed, Kuishiro was downright livid. Their opportunity to vanquish the demon and avenge their brother on the grandest stage of them all had been snatched right out from under them. He had literally dreamed about defeating the monster in front of the entire world, only to find out that it would most likely remain just a dream. He and his siblings would have to settle for something else; something less. Their life goal, their very reason for existing, and they would be forced to settle.

To say it left a bad taste in Kuishiro's mouth would be putting it very, VERY lightly.

But now the dream was alive and within reach once again. There was just one rapier-wielding fly in the ointment…

"If it's about Ishimura-sensei, save it." Hōshima all but growled in a rare display of clear irritation. "As satisfying as it is to watch mother put you in your place, your irrational hatred for the man is as grating as it is baffling. He helped raise all of us, took you under his wing, taught you several of his own personal techniques, including things that, by all rights, should only have been passed on to his own children. Yet still all you do is prattle on about how he was too weak to be one of the Seven Swordsmen, and how he's too idealistic and sentimental, like those are bad traits to have. Quite frankly, I'm sick of your whining."

Kagimi frowned and leveled Kuishiro with a narrow-eyed glare.

"I've about had it as well, Nii-san. You go and train with him, then come back and bitch about him, then go train with him again the next day! If you hate him so much, if you think he's so worthless, why are you letting him teach you?"

Hōshima and Kagimi waited for a good ten seconds for an answer, but all they got was ten seconds of tense silence. Shaking their heads, the two continued down the hallway towards the lobby, leaving their brother behind to stand there with his fists clenched and teeth grinding.

(Akatsuki Base)

"I take it the mission was a bust." Kakuzu said, glancing up from his notebook as the resident demolitions expert entered the common room.

"Yeah." Deidara answered with a huff before crashing face-first onto the huge sofa across from the masked bounty hunter. "The intel was right and it was one of Orochimaru's labs, but it was an old one. According to Sasori, maybe one that he made and abandoned before he even joined Akatsuki,"

"Which would make it a better hiding place than most of the others." Kakuzu commented.

"If it hadn't become a Night Cat den, sure."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

Even for ninjas as powerful as them, Night Cats were nothing to scoff at. Large, vaguely feline creatures that only emerged from their dens at night to hunt. With their strength, speed and frighteningly effective pack-hunting tactics, there wasn't much that was off the menu. They shunned light to the point that a simple flashlight could keep one at bay, but the problem was seeing them coming in the first place. Their dark blue fur made them almost impossible to see at night, but what truly made them terrifying was the fact that they were totally silent. They made no sound when they moved, and if they made any kind of vocalizations no one had ever lived to tell about them.

Encountering a lone Night Cat could prove a challenge to inexperienced shinobi. Coming across a pack of them, the recommended tactic was to throw down a flash bomb and run like hell. But wandering into an actual den?

"Silver lining? One of my best works yet!" Deidara said, flashing a thumbs-up.

"Here's hoping you got them all." Kakuzu said.

Before the blonde bomber could respond, the wide, hunched form of Sasori peeked into the room from the hall.

"He didn't." the man deadpanned in a deep, oddly hollow-sounding baritone. "The Alpha pair survived and I had to take care of them myself because he used up so much clay."

"Yeah? They were half dead when they caught up with us; that 'fight' was barely enough to even wake me up." Deidara snorted. "And don't think I didn't see you take one of the bodies; you're welcome."

"Half-dead just means they were half-alive as well." Sasori shrugged, which came off as a fairly awkward motion. "Yet more proof of the inferiority of your 'art'."

"...You know what? I'm not getting into it with you this time." Deidara said, lazily waving his hand in a vague gesture. "You and I both know I did all the work out there. So how about you go do your taxidermy thing and leave me alone, yeah?"

For a moment Sasori looked like he had something else to say, but thought better of it and went on his way.

"Hm, that's new." Kakuzu said, looking towards the empty doorway with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm tired of his shit." Deidara groused. "Mission after mission after mission keeps coming up short and it's like he can't read the mood!"

"Well he always was socially inept." Kakuzu remarked.

"Itachi is 'socially inept'," Deidara snorted, "Mr. 'No Strings on Me' is socially retarded!"

Under normal circumstances Kakuzu might have berated the much younger man for talking about his partner that way. Or at least reminded him that, for all of Sasori's "quirks", he could've had it much worse in terms of partners. But these weren't normal circumstances.

"Or maybe he just doesn't see it as such a big deal because he understands that failure comes with the territory." the pseudo-immortal said. "That's the problem with kids like you; prodigies who are so used to success that you can't deal with anything less."

It was a testament to the respect Deidara had for Kakuzu that he didn't mind the older man calling him a kid.

"I can handle failure just fine." the Iwa rogue scoffed. "Do you have any idea how many prototypes I went through before I got this thing to work?" he pointed at the cybernetic left eye hidden under his long fringe.

"Then why are you so irritable right now?"

"Because this is beyond failure, Kakuzu. It's not a couple botched missions here and there; EVERY mission goes belly-up and we ALL come back to base empty-handed. And what's worse is that there's no reason for it!" Deidara rolled over onto his back and threw up his hands. "We do everything right and it just doesn't matter! It would be different if we were screwing up or being sabotaged; we could just correct the mistake and move on. But there are no mistakes, just the goddamned UNIVERSE conspiring against us! So yeah, I'm just the tiniest bit fed up with it, and I get the impression I'm not the only one."

Kakuzu didn't have much to say to counter that. Despite his previous words, he knew they were in a rut the likes of which even he hadn't experienced since the earliest days of the organization. Back when their leader was far less tolerant of setbacks. And while Sasori and Kakuzu himself let it roll off of them for the most part, it was clearly starting to get to everyone else.

Deidara was getting snippier by the day, Kisame was becoming uncharacteristically stoic, Hidan's temper was flaring more than ever, Itachi was pouting, and Zetsu was having some kind of identity crisis.

And as for Akatsuki's resident "power couple", they seemed to be fine, but Kakuzu knew better. Pein was starting to let his own frustration show, and Konan...As near as anyone could tell, Konan hadn't gotten laid in over a week, and she didn't care. In light of that, her "business as usual" attitude was clearly just a front.

Something had to be done while verbal barbs and nasty looks were the only things flying through the air around the base. Before any real infighting started. But what?

'Some R&R time would be nice, but there's too much that needs to be done.' Kakuzu thought, tapping his pencil on the notepad as he pondered solutions.

"What are you up to?" Deidara asked, gesturing to the notepad when Kakuzu looked at him.

"Restructuring the network." the bounty hunter replied.

"Trimming some fat, yeah?"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes at the young man's smug look. "Fine. You were right. Happy?"

"Yep."

Just over a year ago Kakuzu had requested Deidara's help for a personal project that was perfect for the blonde's lesser known but arguably more useful talents. The mission required Deidara to know a bit about Kakuzu's network of spies, information brokers and other individuals who made it their business to know things. But as a sign of trust Kakuzu let him in on more or less the full extent of his complex web.

Deidara had completed the mission flawlessly, but had a thing or two to say about the network. It was far too big, in his opinion, which made it highly vulnerable to being infiltrated or otherwise compromised.

Of course Kakuzu waved him off. If there was one thing in his life he could truly say he was proud of, without reservation, it was his information network. Cultivated over five decades, he considered it has magnum opus; the crown jewel of his career.

Which was why it was almost physically painful for him to admit Deidara had been right.

"Someone's looking for me," Kakuzu said, "maybe even all of us. I don't know who they are or how long they've been at it, but they've gotten far too close right under my nose."

"Anything to worry about?" Deidara asked.

"No. Now that I know what they're up to, rooting them out shouldn't be too much trouble."

"Let me know if you need any help with that. You're the only one who asks me to do the subtle stuff; everyone else just wants me to blow something up."

"That is what you're known for."

"To the rest of the world, yeah, but you guys know that's not all I can do." Deidara huffed. "Unlike someone we know, THIS artist isn't a one-trick pony."

"I had a pony once." a third voice entered the conversation. "But Leader-sama wouldn't let me keep it..."

Deidara didn't flinch at the sudden sound coming from directly above him. He merely closed his eye and took a deep breath. "Goddammit, Tobi." he grumbled, looking up into the masked face of the man-child waving at him from behind the sofa.

"Hi, senpai!" Tobi chirped.

"Hello, Tobi." Kakuzu greeted, not looking up from his notebook.

"Hey, Kaku-san!"

Deidara let out an annoyed grunt. "Not in the mood right now. What do you want?"

"You seem stressed out, senpai."

"Oh, you noticed that, did you?"

"Kinda hard not to," Tobi shrugged, "you're even being mean to Sasori-san!"

"Yeah, well maybe I've just had enough of his crap."

"But it's not just him; he's not even here and you're still mad."

"Yeah, and you're doing wonders for my disposition right now..."

"Being mad all the time isn't good for you, y'know? That's how you get ulcers." Tobi nodded to himself. "But what IS good for you is having a best friend like me!"

"You don't say..."

"I DO say! Because I happen to know the best stress-reliever of all!" Tobi tittered, unable to contain his excitement.

Kakuzu looked up from his notepad and Deidara's eye narrowed, both of them unknowingly thinking the exact same thing.

"Kisame put you up to this, didn't he?" the blonde scowled. "I've told him before, and you can tell him again; I have no interest in whor-" he was cut off when a small, rectangular object was shoved into his face.

"Video games!" Tobi cheered, waggling the game case in front of his senpai's face.

Deidara stared blankly at the box art, depicting a ninja clad in yellow and black hurling a flaming kunai on a chain that appeared to be coming out of his forearm. Opposite him, another ninja clad in blue and black firing what looked like a beam of ice out of his palm.

But that wasn't what caught the young man's attention.

"...Why is 'combat' spelled with a 'K'?"

Tobi cocked his head to the side slightly and turned the case around to look at the title. "...That's not how you spell it?"

"No." Deidara and Kakuzu answered as one.

"Um..."

"Goddammit, Tobi." Deidara sighed. "You've actually gotten dumber since you brought that damn game console home."

"But it's sooo cool!" Tobi whined, ignoring the jab like he usually did. "I mean, Kisame-san says that one of the best cures for a bad day is mindless violence, and this nothing but mindless violence! You can rip a guy's spine out in here!"

"We don't need a video game to do that, Tobi." Kakuzu pointed out as he scribbled something on his notepad.

"Well, yeah, but there aren't any consequences in a video game!" Tobi countered.

"And there are consequences for us?" Kakuzu turned to Tobi with a raise eyebrow.

"..." Tobi raised a finger like he was about to make a counterpoint, but quickly dropped it and turned his attention back to Deidara. "Come on, senpai, just one round! Pleeeeease?" he pleaded. "If you don't like it after that, I'll never bother you about it again!"

"I just want to rest, Tobi."

"But when you rest, all you do is dwell on your failed missions, which just makes you madder, which is gonna give you an ulcer, then I'm gonna say 'I told you so', and that's gonna make you even MORE mad, and then-"

"Tobi," Kakuzu cut in, "as entertaining as it is to watch you get Deidara's blood pressure up, something tells me you didn't come here to talk about video games."

"Huh? Oh! Right, uh, Leader-sama called a meeting, said it was urgent." Tobi said.

"...You do know what 'urgent' means, yeah?" Deidara asked, pinching the bridge of his nose as both he and Kakuzu stood up.

"Of course I do! It means...oh." the masked man seemed to shrink in on himself, ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Goddammit, Tobi." Kakuzu sighed.

By the time they reached the meeting hall, the others had already assembled. The oldest and youngest members made their apologies, blamed Tobi for their tardiness and quickly took their seats on the carved stone benches beside their respective partners.

Sasori barely took any notice, giving their leader his undivided attention. But Hidan eyed Kakuzu with a cocky smirk and opened his mouth to say something, completely ignoring the other immortal's warning look.

"Thank you all for coming in such a timely manner..." Hidan's mouth slammed shut with an audible "click" as the orange-haired man's voice rang out. "I know things have been...difficult as of late, so I'll cut right to the chase." Pein said as he stood on a raised stone platform at the front of the room. "The last time I called you all here, I made you a promise that I wouldn't do it again until there was good news. I am happy to inform you that I have not broken that promise today."

The seated Akatsuki members visibly perked up at that.

"You found the ring?" Kisame asked, making a conscious effort to keep the giddiness out of his voice.

"Unfortunately, no." Pein answered with a sigh and a shake of the head. "There are simply too many leads, and at the same time not enough; it's a fool's errand. At this point I have resigned myself to the fact that I will have to make another, and have already begun the process."

This brought a round of resentful grumblings from a few of the assembled ninjas; namely Kisame, Hidan, Deidara and, surprisingly, Itachi. But who could blame them? Weeks of fruitless searching, running themselves ragged day after day, only for it to mean nothing in the end.

While their leader was content to let them get it out, Kakuzu took it upon himself to shut it down. This was exactly what he had talked to Deidara about, and he was fed up with it.

"Now isn't this a sight?" the living ragdoll drawled. "A bunch of S-Class shinobi bellyaching like children. I expect it from Hidan-"

"Fuck off."

"-but you, Kisame? Itachi? I expect better of you."

For his part, Itachi glared at the older ninja, but didn't hold it for very long before looking away, visibly agitated.

But his partner wasn't about to let it go. "You got something to say, old man?" the blue-skinned man growled, standing up from his bench.

"I believe I just said it." Kakuzu replied, not intimidated in the least. "You're supposed to be the best; that's why you were recruited to begin with. But the minute things don't go your way, you sulk and complain like greenhorns."

"'The minute'?" Kisame seethed. "This has been going on for weeks! In the past month we've been on fifteen, sixteen missions between us?"

"Nineteen." Sasori corrected.

"Nineteen! Nineteen fucking missions and not a damn thing to show for it!"

"Not everything in life is a matter of skill or power. Sometimes things happen totally out of our control and we just have to deal with it." Kakuzu shrugged.

"Hah!" Hidan cackled. "That's a fucking riot, coming from THE control freak! You'd plan out our missions to the smallest detail and give me shit if I didn't follow your plans to the fucking letter."

"Yes, I did, and look what happened back in Kumogakure. I stuck so rigidly to my plans that I was caught with my pants down when it all fell apart. I was just like you kids; so used to success that I forgot what failure tasted like. But when I was reminded, did I mope around or get all pissy with everyone? No. I got my shit together so it wouldn't happen again."

"And how's that been working out for you?" Hidan snorted.

"If nothing else, it's why I'm not stressed out and short-tempered like the rest of you." Kakuzu shrugged again.

"Tch, should've figured you'd be fine with it; when the highlight of your career was getting your ass kicked by the Shodai Hokage, of course you're used to failure." Kisame sneered.

Kakuzu felt his eyebrow twitch. To say that he had done a lot in his long and storied career would be a gross understatement. Some of his accomplishments were well-known, such as defeating the "invincible" Sai Saotome, who had slain a hundred and thirty-seven would-be bounty hunters before meeting his end at Kakuzu's hand. But like an iceberg floating in arctic seas, what saw the light of day was only a fraction of the truth.

In his time, Kakuzu had both slain and protected Daimyos. He had snuffed out villages before they were even established. He had kickstarted clan feuds and even full-scale wars between countries, and decided who won them by selling vital information to the highest bidders. He had brought living legends to their knees, and manipulated others into turning their backs on their countries. He had changed the course of history across the Elemental Nations dozens of times over(3).

Hell, if Kisame knew just how much of a hand Kakuzu had in the Sandaime Mizukage's rise to power and Kirigakure's subsequent fall from grace, there'd be a fight that one of them wouldn't walk away from.

But no matter what he did, there was one thing the immortal couldn't escape from. The one thing he was sure to be remembered for, above all else; his defeat at the hands of Hashirama Senju. However it wasn't the battle itself that stuck in Kakuzu's craw even now, so many years later. As the saying goes, history is written by the victors, and it was that widespread and well-known history that annoyed the hell out of him.

The way Hashirama told it, Kakuzu was a young, cocky fool who, instead of attempting to assassinate him as he had been tasked to, challenged the Kage to a duel. And lost. Badly. Trounced so thoroughly that his only recourse was to turn tail and run from the gauntlet HE had thrown down to begin with. So terrible at his job that the Shodai didn't feel the need to pursue him.

But as with so many things regarded as "fact" by the general population, it didn't quite happen that way. And looking up at Akatsuki's resident big guy, with his challenging glare and bared teeth, Kakuzu was sorely tempted to set the record straight. To hell with the agreement; nearly seven decades of having one failed mission thrown in his face over and over was too much!

Then, out of the corner of his eye he saw their leader shake his head.

So instead of risking making the situation worse and saying something he wasn't supposed to, Kakuzu opted to keep his mouth shut and respond with one more shrug.

"To be fair," Sasori intoned, "you are taking this a bit too personally, Kisame."

"And you aren't taking it personally enough!" Kisame countered, rounding on the puppet master. "This isn't normal, not for people like us! Something is wrong here, but instead of helping us figure out what that 'something' is, you're content to go with the flow and wait it out! You know who else decided to just wait it out? The Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. When the shit started rolling downhill, they just let it happen. They figured it was just a rough transition of power since the Third Mizukage came in so aggressively. They thought things would eventually stabilize on their own, as long as they kept doing their jobs and serving their village. But that never happened. They waited it out for two decades, then handed the shitty situation off to us, hoping for something different with a new Mizukage and a new generation of Seven Swordsmen. But it only got worse, and what did we do? We waited it out. Waited it out until the ball of shit was too big for anyone to stop. Waited it out until our comrades turned on each other and our village tore itself apart. Waited it out until half the country turned into a warzone!"

The powerhouse's outburst had them all taken aback. While they knew Kisame cared about his home country far more than he ever let on, not even his own partner knew just how deep his resentment ran, or how much his regret still gnawed at him.

"Only one of us finally decided that waiting wasn't working and that something needed to be done. Sure, we all thought about it, but Zabuza was the only one who nutted up. He went out with nothing but a bunch of plebs for backup and tried to take down the Fourth Mizukage. Stupid as fuck, but he almost did it even with a group of nobodies, and I can't tell you how often I think about what could've happened if just one or two of us had joined him. But we didn't. We just waited. And now there are no Seven Swordsmen, there's no Mizukage, there's barely a Kirigakure and Water Country is only just now starting to recover. All because we decided not to take action when we should've. So you'll have to excuse me for being just a little bit irritated when I see it happening all over again!"

"Come on, Kisame, it's not that bad yet." came the unnerving dual voices of the organization's most...exotic member(s).

It was fairly rare to hear him...them talk in the first place, so this new habit of speaking in unison wasn't easy to get used to. Known as White Zetsu and Black Zetsu when anyone bothered to make the distinction, or "Wetsu" and "Betsu" as dubbed by Tobi when they weren't around, it was typically Black who addressed the group if/when they felt the need to speak up. White, being more of an "actions speak louder" type, was far more tight-lipped and generally only spoke if it was something directly relevant to what was already being discussed.

With their different personalities, mindsets and abilities, this meant different specialties as well. Black was cunning and strategic, taking the lead on missions that required stealth, timing and a minimal body count. But if there was a fight to be had, White was all over it. Their system had never failed them, until recently, and it was apparently the only way they knew how to operate. The solution, in their minds, was to switch roles and see how it turned out. It didn't work and the constant switching seemed to have had an adverse effect on their senses of individuality. The other members of the group had long since come to accept that Zetsu really was two different beings inhabiting a shared body and not just some freak with dissociative identity disorder, but now it looked like the two were slowly merging into one.

None of them were sure if that was a problem or not.

Though, on this occasion Kisame decided that this more talkative Zetsu was, indeed, a problem.

"Really? You being so fucked up you can't even keep track of who you are anymore isn't that bad? And why are you hiding in the corner like a fucking creep? You think you look cool, standing in the dark, looking like a fucked up shadow puppet?"

"Calm down, Kisame." Itachi said, knowing his partner would go after everyone if he wasn't stopped soon.

"No, it's bullshit and I'm sick of it!" the swordsman snarled. "He's been like this from day one, always standing off to the side like, doing everything alone and not even making an effort to be part of the team! You think you're special because you're a freakshow? Deidara's got mouths on his hands, Kakuzu's got at least three hearts at any given time, Konan can turn into paper, I've got gills and Sasori's a fucking PUPPET!"

"Puppetized Organism..." Sasori corrected.

"That's a mouthful and I damn sure ain't calling you a 'puporg', so deal with it. The point is we're ALL freaks; you aren't special!" Kisame finished, jabbing a finger in Zetsu's direction.

"Ahem..." and just like that, everything went silent. "Are you done?"

Kisame immediately took his seat beside Itachi, slamming down on the bench with an audible "thud". The others sat ramrod straight and stared at their leader, doing their best not to look away when his eyes swept over them.

Konan, who so far had sat on the bench closest to the platform with an unreadable expression, bit her bottom lip and squirmed in place ever so slightly.

"Believe me, I understand and share your frustrations, my friends. That's why I grew more and more reluctant to begin making a new ring every time we came back empty-handed; I didn't want you to feel like it was all for nothing. That said, I told you that I have not broken my promise to you and I DO have good news. For one, no more running ourselves ragged chasing every lead that comes up."

"Well, I guess that IS a relief…" Kisame said almost sheepishly.

"And that's not all. I feel that we're all overdue for some R&R, and I don't mean loitering around the base waiting for something worth our time. I mean an actual vacation, or at least as close to one as we can get."

That had several members cocking their heads in confusion. Of course they knew what a vacation was, but the concept itself was foreign and, quite frankly, somewhat unappealing to them. Going for a few days without putting their skills to use was enough to make them antsy; what the hell would they do with a week or more of free time?

"I see the looks on your faces," Pein chuckled, "and trust me, I wouldn't subject you to that kind of boredom. As you all know, Konohagakure no Sato suffered a large-scale attack not too long ago. Ever since, the fate of the Chūnin Selection Exams has been up in the air. Well, I'm pleased to announce that not only has Konoha decided to go ahead and host the event, but I've also come into possession of tickets for the finals!"

There was a gasp and Kisame began bouncing in his seat. "Oh, my God, are you serious?! Watching rugrats beat the hell out of each other is good enough, but this one's gonna be NUTS!"

Soon any resentment and bitterness over the series of disasters that had been the last month was gone, lost in a tide of excitement. Shinobi who just moments ago were a few more words away from coming to blows were now chatting away as if nothing had happened. Even Zetsu had wandered over to join the conversation, and was welcomed in without so much as a smart-ass remark from anyone.

Pein watched the scene with a satisfied smirk on his face. Fear and bribery had their place, but when it came to keeping a crew of very powerful ninjas in-line, he was glad he had chosen a different route. He remembered the early days, when it was just him, Konan and a newly-recruited Kakuzu, who'd only joined up because, in his words, he'd finally found something new under the sun and wanted to see where it went. The immortal was convinced being a "nice" leader would never work. That anyone worth a damn would see it as a weakness and would either betray the group as soon as they got a better offer, or constantly test him to see how much they could get away with. After all, if kindness and friendship equated to loyalty, Konoha wouldn't have so many nuke-nin in the Bingo Book.

'And now look at him.' Pein thought with just a bit of smugness as he watched Kakuzu talk of several freakishly overpowered "Genin" he knew of from various villages that were sure to show up for the Exams.

"You're amazing, you know that?" Pein lifted his left arm almost on reflex to allow his longtime lover, the woman who would've been his wife long ago if not for certain circumstances, to press herself to his side.

"I kind of have to be." he replied before planting a small kiss on her forehead.

Konan giggled, an early sign of what Pein already knew was coming.

"No, I don't mean you living up to some prophecy or whatever; I mean that." she gestured to the other ninjas. "Not only bringing this gaggle of misfits and monsters together, but making them want to stay together. Half these guys probably would've killed each other if they'd met on their own."

"Some of them tried to, and remember how many partners Kakuzu alone has gone through." Pein said.

"Exactly my point. Because of you they CHOOSE to stay here and CHOOSE to work together. I mean look at that!" Konan again pointed at the group. "I can see Itachi smiling from here. Uchiha Itachi. Smiling. The Sage of Six Paths was a lot of things, but I don't recall anything saying he was a great leader, so you've already surpassed him in one regard."

"Maybe, but it's not nearly enough." Pein frowned as he always did when he thought about just how much further he had to go to fulfill his destiny.

"Hey, hey, none of that." Konan chided playfully. "Now's the time for fun, not brooding."

"And I take it I'm about to get all the fun I can handle in a minute?" Pein wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Ah, so you really CAN read minds." Konan purred.

"Should I..." he trailed off. Even after all these years, he still so conflicted that he had a hard time saying it aloud.

Fortunately he almost never had to.

"No, baby, not today." Konan whispered, suddenly unable to meet her lover's eyes.

"But I know it's been a while and you-"

"I'm fine." she said a bit too quickly. "I...Maybe some other time, but not today. Today is as much for you as it is me. We both need this."

"Okay." Pein mumbled into her hair. Honesty and trust were the cornerstones of their relationship from the beginning. She was always honest with him about what she thought and felt, even when she knew it would be hard for him to hear, and he trusted her because of it. So if she said she was fine, at least for now, then he believed her and ignored the niggling voice in the back of his head. "Shall we?"

A tiny nod from the blue-haired woman and they were gone a split second later.

(?)

"I see someone's had another tantrum..." Shizaru muttered as he took in the smoldering wasteland around him.

After literally melting most of the centuries-old castle that had served as their home base for a short time, Inferno and his crew were tasked with finding a new one. It didn't take them long to stumble upon a small village out in the middle of nowhere in Eastern Lightning Country. No more than fifteen minutes after its discovery, the human occupants were exterminated and Inferno immediately took possession of the largest building in the settlement.

But Shizaru had taken a liking to a far more modest structure. A simple one-story house, ideal for a small family, with no distinguishing features save for an immaculate personal garden. A garden he had expressly forbidden Inferno and his minions from getting anywhere near.

A garden that was now gone, along with the house and the rest of the village.

"And the prodigal asshole returns!" Shizaru turned to see an unfamiliar man walking towards him.

Around six-foot-two, well-built and fairly handsome, this vessel was much more Inferno's style than the child he'd inhabited the last time Shizaru had seen him.

"What happened to your other vessel?" Shizaru asked, his hood hiding a scowl as he glanced back to where the garden used to be.

"Eh, twerp's Fire affinity wasn't as strong as I thought." Inferno shrugged and stroked his chin. "Found this guy a couple days ago; he's been able to handle a lot more. Incinerating an entire village in one go, for example." the fire demon smirked when he saw Shizaru once again look back at the barren ground where his little hut had been.

"I assume you had a good reason for that?"

"Oh, the best reason; to fuck with my dickhead boss! See, he put me and my crew on standby for some big, important mission that sounded like a good time. Infiltrate a ninja village, kill some fools, fuck shit up, that sort of thing. But then the fucker up and disappears without a word for a blessed WEEK, leaving me holding my dick! Then the mission almost went tits-up before it even started because my dickhead boss sucks at tying up loose ends! The fuck was your problem with Rumare anyway?"

"He was a fool with delusions of grandeur and a bad habit of forgetting his place in the pecking order. Sound familiar?"

"I get the feeling it was a lot more than that, but whatever you say Shiz-man. But I know you weren't fucking around in Leaf Town, or whatever it's called, for a whole week. So where the fuck where you, huh?"

"You and your flunkies aren't my only pieces on the board, nor my most valuable. You want to know why I left you sit around for a week? Because that's all you're good for, you miserable peon. I keep you around because it is Lord Arcarian's will; I have no use for a blunt instrument that can't follow even the simplest of instructions. Like 'appear as a child to infiltrate the Exams'...and 'stay away from the garden'."

Shizaru vanished, accompanied by a sharp "crack" not unlike a thunderclap. Before Inferno could even process what had happened, his vessel was obliterated; literally minced into tens of thousands of pieces. That wouldn't have been so bad, if not for the fact that he also found his very spirit pinned to the ground, impaled on the middle blade of Shizaru's claws.

"GAAAAHH! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Inferno shrieked in agony as he struggled to dislodge the weapon.

"Just a little something I cooked up to deal with pesky Spirit Beasts." the hooded Archdemon nodded towards his claw, where two pairs of runes, among the hundreds carved into the metal, were giving off a purple glow. "Turns them corporeal upon contact, making them so much easier to kill."

"F-Fuck you!" Inferno spat, the raging flames that made up his "body" doing nothing to fend off his tormentor.

"You Jumpers make me sick, always moving from one meat suit to another, hiding behind mortals like the cowards you are. How long has it been since you've actually felt pain, hm?"

"..."

"Oh, I could get used to this. I should've figured that's why you were always so uppity and disobedient; you thought you were untouchable. Just like Rumare. And if you don't take heed of this final warning, you'll end up like him as well. You work for me, you answer to me, you belong to me. Right?"

"..." Inferno glared silently until a twist of Shizaru's claw forced a yelp out of him.

"Speak when you're spoken to."

"...I work for you...I answer to you...I..."

"You BELONG to me."

"I...belong to you..." were he capable of vomiting in his current form, the fire demon probably would've done just that.

"Tch, where's your fire now?" Shizaru snorted and yanked his claw free, giving it another little twist along the way. "Your minions are already out looking for a new base, so here's what you are going to do. Find yourself another vessel, one appropriate for your task, then sit and stay, like a good dog, and await further orders. Can you handle that?"

"..."

"Speak when you are spoken to, dog."

"Yes..."

"'Yes', what?"

"...Yes, sir."

"I'll come back around in a few days, or whenever I feel like it, really. Until then, ta-ta." Shizaru said with a dismissive wave(4).

Inferno, for once deciding not to push his luck, made himself scarce, shooting into the air as a ball of fire and smoke.

Shizaru paid him no further mind and walked up to the carbon shadow that had once been his little piece of paradise.

"...Why did I ever expect anything else?" he grumbled before reaching into his robe and pulling out a small paper packet.

A packet it had picked up at a flower shop in Konoha, containing seeds for the Brugmansia suaveolens plant; otherwise known as Angel Trumpet.

XXXX

So, what'd ya think?

I quite liked writing this up; sometimes I forget how much fun other characters can be when I'm so focused on Naruto and his crew. They'll be back next time around; this was just to show you all just what kind of shit they're about to have heaped onto their plate.

One thing I'd really like to know is what you guys think of my version of Gaara. Funny thing about him is that I changed him so radically from canon because I LIKED his canon counterpart so much. It started out with me not wanting to rehash his "I love only myself" speech in the series out of respect for such an awesome moment, and it kinda snowballed from there. Soon I came up with a concept for an entirely different character and ran with it, because why the hell not? Given how long ago I came up with this, his introduction is about five or six years late, but...better late than never, right?

(1): In this story, Temari is the middle child and Kankuro is the oldest. I did this for one very specific reason, and I can't wait to play it out.

(2): Remember, this story takes place nearly six-thousand years in the future of our world, after Japan became the last refuge for what was left of humanity. It's virtually impossible to find someone without at least SOME "Western" heritage in them, and some places embrace it more than most. So while "Western" names aren't exactly common, they do exist and have been mentioned several times before. Along with that, you should also remember that, unless otherwise specified, the characters in this story ARE speaking English.

(3): This should be readily apparent, history has shown me that I need to stress that NONE of this is canon to Kakuzu's backstory as far as the actual series is concerned; this is ALL me. Same deal with every other Akatsuki member, especially Zetsu, whose entire canon existence is based on events that never happened and entities that don't exist in Black Flames.

(4): The reference here should be incredibly obvious, so no cookies for knowing what it is. But feel free to take a swing at it anyway.

As I'm sure you've noticed, this one is a good deal smaller than any chapter I've done in a long time, clocking in at a bit over twelve-thousand words. This will be the norm from now on, between ten and fifteen-thousand words. No more thirty or forty-thousand-word monsters. I know some of you like them, but they're just a pain in the ass all around from my end. Writing them is a slog, editing them is a chore and uploading them is a nightmare.

I think that's about it. As usual, feel free to leave me your questions and opinions, as well as any errors you catch. And ONCE AGAIN I will tell you that ANY "Guest" reviews asking questions WILL BE DELETED ON THE SPOT, WITHOUT EXCEPTIONS. I CANNOT ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE AN ACCOUNT.

You can also leave Black Flames-related questions and ideas in the Black Flames Suggestion Box over on my forum, DevilKeys' Playground. And if you just want to shoot the shit, that's fine, too; we need some new blood over there.

Until next time, friends and fuckers!

Jason Out!