Chapter 52 - Heartfelt

Previously - Rick is finally home and he and Kate have spent the first night in the Loft as a couple with Kate having officially moved in whilst Rick was still in hospital.

Disclaimer – Naturally I don't own Castle or any of the characters. All the other legal stuff applies too.


Their Loft, Sunday morning, (too) early.

They both slept surprising well during the night and despite the early hour things were….well…

Perfect.

This had to be the best way to wake up. Just the two of them. They're almost spooned together but their legs are in opposite directions, almost driving their torso's together, with her back nestling into his front.

Rick was lying there immobile on his left side, his right arm still strapped up and the connected bandaged right shoulder out of the covers. Silent too. He'd normally fail spectacularly at not speaking but instead he's, well, as silent as he can be. She knows he's awake despite the early hour. But she understands. The sort of injuries, hospital schedules, all do that to you. First not enough sleep, then what seems like perma-sleep as your body recovers before too much, and then you find yourself awake at odd times and it takes an eternity to re-establish familiar sleep patterns, if you ever go back to them.

"Not so creepy sometimes Mister Castle". She has her back to him, but she still knows when his gaze is on her. She can sense it, almost feel it, the near palpable sensation of his adoration and devotion. She never wants it to stop. It warms her through and sometimes – well often more - heated and urgent, but for now it was so nearly, utterly perfect. This is a familiar conversation they repeat often but neither would change it, and she's sure they'll happily repeat it for the rest of their lives.

"Always beautiful though. No one could blame me for staring." His voice hitches slightly before he continues hoarser and gentler if that is possible. "Not that it would ever stop me. I could lose my sight and I'd stare at you to the end of time Katherine Beckett."

She had to swiftly rotate and as she completed her realignment to bring herself face-to-face with him, she stole his lips from him least any more words escape them and he make her cry already. His right hand, still somewhat inhibited by the strapping on his shoulder cautiously starts to dance on her and she responds to his touch.

"Hhhhmmmmm" she hums into his receding mouth as they complete the kiss.

"Oh I've missed this." His voice ripples against her, the emotions pluck at her heart and keep her close. She loves him for so many reasons, but his childish delight at even the most mundane or regular things they do is one that never ceases to surprise. It should irritate and annoy more often but instead it ties her in knots of giddy necessity even with the simplest kiss.

"Me too." She affirms.

She kisses him again for good measure before she speaks.

"We need to talk."

Fortunately he is still slightly sleep befuddled and doesn't process those words with his usual efficiency. Before he can respond to that quartet of doom she is reaching for him.

"God. Sorry about that. The worst four words for any relationship." She strokes face and makes sure he can see her eyes and her smile, slightly forced by the sudden urgency. Curiosity stares back.

"A good talk Rick. It's gonna be a good talk." A nod and a visible relaxation of the suddenly tight face opposite.

"Yes we have things to discuss. But only about us moving forward with our relationship."

He finally speaks.

"Thank God Beckett! You nearly fucking killed me there!" For the urban and loquacious author the use of such earthy profanity clearly indicated his shock and temporary unease.

"Sorry." She breathed her apology into his mouth and reinforced with her lips.

"You could apologise some more."

She huffs. But kisses him anyway.

"I like this apologising. Perhaps I'll be bad. Oh even better, you can be bad, no make that naughty Beckett. Then we can apologise together."

Innuendo leeches from every word and with anyone else she'd be rolling her eyes and making a sarcastic putdown, hell with him most of the time it would be that too with him. Instead she laughs but still breaks free of the embrace.

"So before we talk did you want anything?" She asks as she rises from the bed, covers dropping away from her with same silent grace as her effortless ascendency.

"Some water please. And I'll just go ummm…." He starts to rise too as Kate quickly assesses that he can manage by himself and she turns for the door.

She pads away returning less than two minutes later to find him relieved, and now propped up in bed waiting.


She halts by the doorway. There is something about entering a room with Rick inside. The sensation is almost encompassing – a curious mix of comfortable and challenging, so soothing and yet stimulating, all her senses alive with possibilities and potential for them. In turn he's watching her unashamedly like she's making the most important entrance in a movie scene, not just returning from their kitchen with two bottles of water. Mind you her synapses tingle at the pure domesticity of the task, and their shared lives becoming even more closely entwined, the conclusion inevitable.

Unconsciously she does the thing with her lip, curling the lower beneath her teeth and running the edge of her upper bit across the kiss swollen surface like a caress.

Just as she completes the automatic trait she notices that Rick appears to have once more lost his voice and is frozen opposite her. Then he shakes it off but not without first running his eyes across the simple cotton robe she has thrown on over her leggings and sleep shirt until her reaches her face and the smile that grows and spreads across his cheeks and fills his eyes with cerulean intensity.

Finally getting her legs to cooperate she crosses the space to him and proffers a bottle to him which he simply places on his bedside table unopened for the moment.

"Kate?" She sits on the bed, on his left side close enough to touch but not yet.

"What did you want to discuss? Tell me? Please?" His anxiety levels are growing so she launches right into it.


"I think I'll hate dealing with the press and especially the paparazzi until my dying day. I'm a private person Rick. That hasn't changed."

"But?"

"I want to show, sorry prove, that I am in this every bit as much as you. Partners and so much more.

"Paula had warned me that the press coverage would change, become less sympathetic and more challenging. So I didn't want them to question us. Or at least not without a personal statement of our own. I know you would have the words to express what we are but you weren't available. So as you partner I did it for us.

"I am marrying you one day soon and fully intend to be together for the longest time, so it comes with the territory. In short it is a price I have to pay to be with you Rick and I'll pay it – not always happily but willingly – until our dying day. I've made plenty of mistakes in the past and put myself ahead of you, of us. No more. We're together, a unit, partners in everything. So I have to stop being selfish, scared."

"So…." Rick begins but he almost bites down to halt the rest of the question.

"Is that all?" He finishes almost lamely. It is not the phrasing she expected even if the question is.

She smiles slyly. She's not giving it to him easily and makes him work for it.

"Wouldn't happen to have anything to do with making sure other women knew a certain ruggedly handsome mystery author was off the market?" She loves how he can read her. She knows she is getting better at reading him. How they just resonate off each other. He's trying to lighten the moment but then it isn't.

"Permanently?" Rick finishes the question with another and fuck it she wishes there wasn't the slightest trace uncertainly within it. It shouldn't be a question at all, just a statement of irrevocable fact.

"Maybe. Maybe not." She kisses him again and then closes in on him and leans into his ear, her warm breath ghosting across his skin even if she can't quite wipe the sudden frown from her brow.

"Oh believe you me Richard Castle, you'll know firsthand when I choose to publicly mark my territory and make my claim properly." She lets her voice carry all the commitment that are missing from her words.

"I'm looking forward to it."

"Good because it won't be a one-time thing." She pulls back, just enough to look him directly into his eyes and opens hers flooding them with everything she can muster, every ounce of the emotions he evokes in her. "Rick, this is forever. I'll be doing this to my dying day."

"Extraordinary" The word is thick with every emotion she just pulled from him.

"I don't tell you enough how extraordinary you are. I've written the word in dedication to you, but that's not enough, it will never be enough. I often bite down and hold back with you, afraid that somehow I'll scare you, that I'll wake up and this has been some delusional dream and reality will be a nightmare. I've loved you for so long but fought to hide least it fracture what lesser relationship we had, that it is still almost second nature to not fully express myself, to tell you openly and so frequently how my love for you has me captive, how the need to be in your life in any way shape or form trumps everything else, even my foolish pride and ego.

"Please don't." She can't keep the tears from her voice. "I don't want you to hold back anymore Rick. Don't hide from me. I'm in this now and" She hunts around in her mind for the right words. "I have been for some time so the yesterdays, today, tomorrow, every day of our lives together Rick. I'm yours."

"Oh God YES."


It is some time before they speak again.

"Rick, I know I've not been an easy person to well, everything really.

"And I've made it harder for you than anyone. Even now, part of me still doesn't understand how you stayed around. I think I understand the why now, but how you found the courage and determination. I dated other men, had sex with them….."

Even saying that she burnt with the shame and guilt of her behaviour. Forcing herself to continue, she picked up with barely a pause but one that Rick noted concern etched on his brow.

"When I was more than attracted to you, and I knew, or at the very least strong suspected you felt the same or much more. Some police officer I am. We're supposed to be upholders of the truth and integrity. Instead I was lying to everyone myself included. So how?" she doesn't need to finish the question.

"I didn't. At least not at first. That second summer. Going to the Hamptons. Gina." It's all too hard, even though they've talked through this, the words stutter out of him, the sentences barely formed.

"I couldn't take seeing you with someone else even when, or perhaps because, they all turned out to be nice guys, even Tom. So I ran and hid. Then I came back and we sort of fell back into a familiar but new rhythm. Then you started dating Josh, or at least showed us you were together. I had no excuses, I was still hiding away with Gina, refusing once again to acknowledge all the attraction but more importantly the faults, desperate to paper over but not truly fix the fractures that kept us together but apart.

"But I couldn't stay away even through Josh. But I did still run again from time to time. Not every writing binge or book tour was necessary from a business perspective." Her eyes go wide at that, and he knows she'll chastise herself just a little more unless he carries his fair share of their mutual culpability.

"The guilt is not all on you Kate. Then you were single and so was I, but our mutual fear held us back. Neither of us brave enough despite more brushes with death in banks, rivers and tigers. After the bombing when I heard you in interrogation, I ran again. Of course it turns out that even then I can't run far enough from my hopeless love for you. It so much more extreme now.

"God Rick, we have a terrible propensity for hurting each other. Especially me."

"If there was anything to forgive, I have long since forgiven you Kate. I could never hold it against you. Nothing else persists against the flame of my love for you."

Wordlessly Kate has slipped back into him, her head nestled against his left shoulder, face turned into his neck. After what seems like minutes she speaks again.

"God. This wasn't how I meant this morning to go. I didn't expect it to be so confronting and unsettling. I had, have, serious things to discuss with you Rick but they've all got good outcomes for us. At least that was my intention."

"Kate. I believe you. I mean aside from those four little words of relationship doom you started with nothing has startled me. I think we both agree the conversation went places unexpected, but the very fact it did doesn't diminish what we have, even if it did touch on old hurts. Quite contrary the things we talked about are cathartic. At least I have to believe so. So why don't we settle for this being a heartfelt exchange of views?"

"I can do that." She reaches out to stroke his cheek. "But it does sound like code for an argument." She can almost anticipate his inquiry about make-up sex when he surprises her by skipping straight past it.

"Good. Now can you tell me how you pulled off this press conference? You've told me why."

"You forgot the bit where I left you speechless." She's obviously been speaking to Mother and Alexis. His grimace is not entirely play acting but pretty much especially if the woman beside him has that mile-wide luminous grin.

"That day at the hospital when Paula and Gina came to visit. Gina asked to speak to me. It was all very civil but I kept getting the vibe from everyone about how you changed for me, about how much you do for me, for us. Hell now even your ex-wife is explaining it to me. And the more I thought about it the more I knew it to be true.

"So after Gina and I finished speaking, when I went back I took the opportunity to speak to Paula. Ask her some questions. She had already had the heads up about the change of tone with some press coverage."

Rick nods at this, more intimately familiar with the pernicious whims of the press and their propensity to spin whatever storyline delivered the most money. Whilst in truth there hadn't been too many of his past female companions who had been put off by the prospect of press coverage, well disappointingly it had too often been the opposite, there had been the teacher, Tina, who he had dated for five months when Alexis was eight, who had almost literally bolted when the press found out.

"I didn't want them to take to control and spread lies about us Rick. The truth is all we need."

"Well consider me a fan."

"Hmmmm? And what sort of fan are you?"

"The absolute best. Ruggedly handsome, dedicated, slightly creepy, committed."

"The last bit is definitely right. I do want the …" Suddenly she stops and the exclamation rips from her.

"Oh God Gates."

"Shit she's not going to be happy. Nor will the NYPD I think."

"Oh crap. Well what will be, will be. Do you think I'll be good as a sergeant in Traffic?"

"I think you'll make a very sexy Sergeant Meter Maid."

She hits him not so gently on his left shoulder.

"Careful you bully, that's my last good shoulder!"

"Well watch your comments Mister!"

He falls silent and she watches him, knowing he wants to say something but she can't bear the spaces between the frank comfort of their words this morning.

"Rick, all I want and all we deserve is honesty. Please just tell me what's going on up there."

The silence persists and Kate almost cannot bear it.

"It's not how I dreamed of it." When he speaks it almost startles her.

"God Kate, I wanted it to be special. Romantic. Unique and memorable, the sort for a lifetime." There is another moment of hang time before he continues. "I had visions of us going public and breaking the news with an engagement announcement, well most of the time, sometimes it was our wedding announcement. Not a hospital statement."

"Oh Rick we will have those moments. It wasn't the start either of us wanted for a public life, but I have a lot of the responsibility for that because I wanted the privacy. But we can have more say and choice in the future. And there is a future for us. One and done remember?"

"I wish I was." She almost roughly pushes her right index finger onto his lips to hush him.

"You are my 'One' and so we're 'Done'. Nothing else matters, not our previous, only ours. Us" she corrects.

Removing her finger she reaches for his water bottle and opens it before passing it to him. Still slightly clumsy in his left hand he raises it to his mouth and drinks. As he finishes she takes the bottle from him, places it on the bedside table and then snuggles into his left side.


"So what else did you want to discuss?"

"Money." Well it is the day for surprises he surmises.

"I know I have been resisting discussing this in anything more than cursory detail except that night after Gates gave us the ultimatum. And I may have been a little…."

"Stubborn. Bloody-minded. Irrational." He supplies. Her eyebrow is so very archly twisted by the third adjective.

"Irrational?" she hisses. Oh steely detective demeanour.

"Well just a tiny bit." He's almost afraid to look but he is not beyond playing his trump card.

She reads his play before it is in motion and huffs in resignation and something else. So he freezes in the act of making his best sad puppy face.

"Don't do that please. It's not necessary. Just plain honesty this morning Rick. What did you call it? Heartfelt. I like that term. Everything we do, especially together, touches our hearts, and I wouldn't change that. Don't want to."

"Nor would I. So what did you want to cover regarding finances?"

"I want to work out how we merge our lives together and share. We only touched on that a few weeks ago. But also I would things to be organised so that I'm not left feeling financially insignificant or notably nothing at all like a kept woman. I want to contribute and…." Kate pauses and scrubs at her face in frustration.

"And after finding out about you financial empire, I really didn't have a clue how to go about that. I mean, I knew I was more than okay with you being wealthy, but until they told me I really didn't appreciate just how rich you are. God Rick you should be lying on a beach somewhere with a cold beer not getting shot at dilapidated tenement crime scenes. You probably don't ever need to work again in your life.

You know I write because I enjoy it, well actually I do it because I need it, just like I need my family, I need you. It's an intrinsic part of me Kate. Just as consulting is part of me now. It fulfils me. Plus I get to work with my friends.

"I understand that Rick. Even if we solved it, being a cop, a homicide detective is what I am. Not everything, you've taught me that, but still a major part of whom I am.

Kate paused for a second, her tongue briefly poking teasingly out the middle of her pursued lips in contrast to the thoughtful look on her face and then she continued.

"Before college my Mom always stressed the importance of self-reliance and independence regardless of my living situation. I didn't really understand at the time, and for years I thought that independence was paramount. I never really committed in my relationships and that included finances. Over the last five years I've really begun to understand what she was talking about and what those tenets really meant. I realise now that they are enablers to allow me to be" a slight hitch as she adjusts her sentence "so that I could be equal partners with someone. I know it took long enough but I'd like to think she'd be more than pleased at how it all has turned out."

"I'm sure she would be. I know you Dad is. I heard him talking to his sister about a month ago. God Kate, he sounded like me, I may have competition for the spot as your number one fan!"

"Aunt Theresa? Well who would have thought?" She shakes her head in surprise, although it shouldn't be so. After the very long and tortuous road to recovery her Dad has slowly rebuilt the trust and she knows about the wall in his den covered with pictures, certificates and especially more recently press cuttings. She knew he was proud of her, he told her enough but he clearly told others too.

"So that's what I want to do Rick. I do want to feel like I contribute to what we are going to be. It won't be on the same scale but I want it to be meaningful and significant. We partners and I want us to be equal as much as we can."

"I understand that. I do. And we've been struggling to work out how. But you're not exactly poor Kate. The apartments, the art, the clothes. None of that is achievable solely on a public servant's salary. Don't think I haven't noticed."

"No you're right. It isn't." For some as yet unknown reason Kate had risen from the bed and she stands stretching her long limbs and lithe body her back turned towards him, her face hidden. For his part Rick remains fascinated in every aspect of her.

"I had a privileged childhood. My parents were both lawyers. Both had good jobs. They saved hard and invested wisely for the most part." She's still turned a little away from him and Rick suspects that will is about to follow is difficult for her.

"Mum had this plan she was always talking about. Retiring early and then travelling the world. She had a scrapbook full of pictures and notes about where she wanted to go. She was extremely driven about building her savings. Then when she died her instructions in her will converted those savings into two trust funds. One was for me and the other for Dad. 'Cause of the circumstances I had to manage both for a time. There was some life insurance as well but I needed to use that for Dad when he wasn't working.

"The trust funds helped keep us afloat especially when Dad wasn't able to. We sold the apartment, not so much because of the money but it was an issue too with neither of us working full time. Home had too many memories, too much confrontation for the comfort we could derive from the familiarity."

She feels his touch as he shuffles over on the bed, close enough to reach her with his left arm. He keeps coming and his feet touch the floor as he remains seated on the bed and Kate slowly sinks back onto the mattress her back still towards him and she lift her arms to welcome his around her. Feeling his broad arms secure her, she sinks slowly back testing his shoulder and when there is no protest or flinch she reverse snuggles him and then speaks again.

"When dad was drinking, the money kept roofs over our heads, put me through college although coming back to NYU from Stanford helped too." Rick suddenly has extra insight into the sacrifices and efforts Kate made as teenager and young woman – barely - to keep the shattered remnants of her family together and still complete college and the Academy.

"When Dad got sober he made me take the money. Well sign over acceptance to manage the second trust fund. We compromised, and so my apartment – and Dad's - were paid for by my mom.

"I spend my salary on living and well, those clothes and other things you noticed. They became my armour and my sanctuary when I needed to retreat. Your books included, and I may admit to the odd poster too. I also put some savings aside for my own travel plans."

That's something new. Well two new things. He mentally bookmarks those items and thoughts for another time. Whilst his ego would love to crow about her collection of his work and especially the posters – he will have to ask Jim about those, it is the question of 'where in the world does Kate Beckett want to go explore?' that has him fascinated.

"But I'd give it all back in an instant Castle." He knows what is on the edge of her lips and in her thoughts and he simply holds and exudes what comfort he can to her. Even now this most devastating of losses is still too sacred and personal to her for her to be able to share more than a fragment at a time, even with him. But he accepts that. He's spent years gradually discovering and gratefully receiving pieces of her life from her, and whilst he'd never have believed he would have the patience, he'll forever endeavour to unravel her mysteries together.

She's silent for a minute or two and he's still somewhat surprised at his own ability to respect that.

He's disappointed when she gently prises herself from his arms but she moves to sit by his left side on the edge of the bed with him, her right leg folded up on the mattress, her left on the floor so her body cants towards him. He adjusts his own position too so he can look at her.

"So with us moving in together and promising a shared future, I knew it was time to face up to other realities."

"After my shooting, Dad and I reworked all my legals and financials as I didn't want it to be a chore for anyone." He holds his tongue at that too. There is no point in reliving past decisions, especially events still so raw for both of them.

"With you in hospital and the full disclosure of your considerable assets" She frowns at him, challenging him to take the innuendo and respond but her eyes make a lie of the stern disposition "It was time for me to commit further. So I asked my Dad to help.

"But I wanted to surprise you so I have to admit that I got my Dad to, well basically, lie. He deliberately obfuscated about who instructed him to proceed with the financial negotiations."

She pauses if asking for his forgiveness.

"Um, I may have a little confession of my own Kate"

"Really?" Her eyebrow arches. She has a suspicion but she parks that thought. She needs to stop trying to anticipate him and give him every opportunity to communicate.

"Steve will have pretty much suspected it was a setup. But no doubt he will have played along if came very close the goals I had already set for the financials or he thought it was worth consideration."

Kate looks at him quizzically.

"So your guy knew that my guy – well my Dad but we'll go with my guy- was lying but he pretended to cooperate and act as if he didn't know what my guy was doing. Meanwhile my guy didn't know that your guy knew. But you also suspected this might happen and had prepared your guy?"

"Pretty much. Well except for the last bit. Honestly Kate, I had no idea you would do this. Especially given the last time we tried a serious and detailed discussion about money you slept at your place for two nights and banned me from the Precinct."

She has the decency to look a tiny bit embarrassed about her earlier blow up.

"Look Steve's no fool, and despite my reputation I take my business and financial matters seriously. And I employ very good people I trust. I let them get on with things and filter what they need to bring to my attention. So Steve must have known what was going on.

"So you're not angry at me?"

"Of course not, Sweetheart." Her eyebrow barely twitches at the endearment. "How could I be?"

"Castle, for years you've been taking care of me. Often whether I wanted it or not. So frequently there was no thanks or acknowledgement from me. That was rude and undeserved. I was bought up better and there is no excuse I know my mom would be so disappointed in me for that. Not just for the coffees and food, the non-dates, the Coonan money, the fund-raiser. I've got a lot to be thankful for. I know you don't want repayment for them, but I can at least be grateful.

"You were selfless in your endeavours to make it possible for us, long before I was ever willing to admit to the possibility of a future together. The financials is just one part of me being able to compromise to make our partnership work. It's gonna take time before I adjust fully but I'm in this. And not just for the money."

"Look we'll pick this up again next week. Have Steve and the others come over and work through the top level stuff."

"Sounds good." As she speaks there is a distinctly unladylike rumble from her stomach.

"Hungry Detective?"

"Not a Detective at the moment, remember?"

"Yeah, only temporarily though." His constant belief in her shines through.

"Agent?" He tries. She shakes her head. It doesn't fit right.

"Partner. I like Partner."

"Well how about some breakfast Partner?"

"Yes please Rick."


They've kept it simple. Rick's not up to one of his expansive multi-item feasts, and they're both aware of their afternoon lunch gathering so a modest repast should be more than enough to sustain them until then.

With the remnants of the toasted bagels pushed back, they sat side by side at the breakfast bar, nursing coffee, chatting about nothing in particular and steadfastly ignoring the editions of the Sunday papers resting at the far end of the bench. Martha must have been up earlier at some even though there is no sign of her now.

"Did you want to talk about anything else Partner?"

"Yeah." The way she says the one word speaks volumes for her uncertainty if not reluctance to raise this new issue.

"I think that my Dad is dating."

Rick is silent for some time before responding.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Yes? No? I don't know."

"Do you know who?"

"A colleague from work. I think she is actually one of the partners. Valerie Wilson."

"Have you met her?"

"Once some years ago at a party to celebrate Dad's associate status and getting an office. She was married to one of the other partners then, but I think he died. There was a divorce too.

"Presumably before her previous husband died." He interjects.

"Don't be a smartass!" He doesn't look sorry about it.

"Kate, what are you going to do about it?"

"Wait for him to tell me I guess?"

"Did you want to talk about how you feel about it?"

"Not at the moment. I might ask him today. This might be something I need to work through with him Rick."

"That's fine. You know where I am if you need me."

"Thanks." She squeezes his hand.

"What was there anything else?"

"Moving in?" She ventures carefully.

"Hmmmmm, what about it?" He can be equally careful.

"Are you okay with it?"

"God YES!" He looks hard at her. "Why is that even a question?" He's surprised by the force of the demand behind his own counter question.

"I don't know. I mean I practically invited myself here." He's still surprised when the determined, certain and usually direct detective gives way to the tentative girl seeking well everything.

Rick takes a breath, and seems to steel himself and then he launches.

"Kate, I've wanted you to live with me, with us, for the rest of our lives, long before we were even a couple. After the Dunn blew up your apartment" And nearly you goes unsaid. "That time you spent with us was a window into our possibilities. It was one of the first times I really had to work at controlling myself."

At her enquiring look, he has to voice his denial. "God, not like that." At her frown. "Well maybe just the odd lascivious thought. But mostly it was entirely domestic.

"Since my teenage years I've always had a strong impulsive streak, I guess because I don't want to miss an opportunity. Of course it hadn't always ended well. A lot of the time." He self corrects.

"As I got older" she smirks at that, one of her teasing, tormenting, and challenging interplays of her tongue, teeth and lips capped off by the delicious sparkle of her tawny eyes. "As I matured" He may as well give her plenty of material, and he is rewarded with an outright guffaw and he can't but help the echo that appears from him.

"Anyway what I was trying to say, was that with you I changed my approach. Had to as it happens as you're not easy in anyway shape or form, but worth it." He's still holding and gently caressing her hand.

"But God it kills me those lost opportunities. If they were necessary to get us here, Kate I wouldn't undo them but dammit they hurt. But they imparted lessons along the way, forced me to be patient, to have faith. So for now Kate, I am perfectly happy for you to lead the way. I'll follow.

"I've got a better idea." She takes his other hand so they are holding both hands.

"Let's do it in-step, together."

"Sounds great. Any ideas what else we can do together?"

"How about I show you instead."

"Cool." She laughs at his childish enthusiasm and gently pulls him back towards the bed room and then down into the luxurious covers of their bed.


There was quite a small crowd of press outside the Loft this Sunday morning. There had been a handful yesterday but the new day had bought a growth in numbers. So one TV station and maybe half dozen photographers, all up a dozen or so.

The building management had called the NYPD who had dispatched a car but there was little the cops could do to interfere with the legal stalking, even of their own.


Kate and Rick had emerged from their bedroom sometime nearing ten after a somewhat languid and ultimately frustrating make-out cum snuggle and snooze session. He's not been cleared for 'coitus' as he had so petulantly named it when given the medical instruction, and for once Kate is taking medical advice to heart, probably because it is not directly aimed at her. Despite this they're both smiling and full of bonhomie.

Martha is sitting at the kitchen bench nursing what smells like herbal tea and observes the approach of her son and his girlfriend, holding hands and smiling.

"Good Morning you two! Don't you both look happy?" Their answering replies are lost as Martha plows on forward.

"How are you feeling Richard?"

"Quite good thank you Mother." She at least lets him answer this time.

"His shoulder hurts but the medication helps and he is at least cooperating." Informs his partner, perhaps less helpfully.

"Snitch!" His accusation is only meant for Kate but of course his mother's uncanny hearing is fully functional.

"Richard, Katherine is only looking out for you."

"Hummphh!"

"Katherine, I honestly did my best bringing him up but he still reverts when it suits him."

"It's quite alright Martha. I kinda like the boy-man side." Kate responds as she leans in to kiss him and muss his hair with her face.

"Well aren't you too full of the joys."

"We had a good talk this morning. Worked some more things out." She answers as she beams back at the woman who someday will be her mother-in-law.

"Well good because sometimes your father and I did truly despair for the two of you." At the sad shaking of both their heads, Martha swiftly changes the subject to the Sunday lunch.


Sometime after 11 am, Alexis sneaks in via the goods delivery entrance – apparently well versed in avoiding the paparazzi.

Despite the smiles and greetings all the adults pick up on her state of distraction but know better than to raise it directly and instead wait for the still teenager to tell them what was wrong.

For her part, Alexis throws herself into tidying and preparing the Loft for their afternoon visitors.


Unsurprisingly Paula is the first invitee to arrive. Apparently well used to navigating past the press she didn't even appear the slightest bit perturbed by it all. Echoes of her 'no comment' still hung in the cool October air outside the lobby as the doorman beckoned her inside whilst glaring at the unwelcome presence of the paparazzi.


The Loft, 11.48 am.

"Good morning Kate."

"Good morning Paula. Please come in." Kate greets their first arriving guest and if Paula is at all embarrassed by already being half-way into the Loft before being invited in she shows no sign of it.

"Excellent, just the person I wanted."

"Paula?" As Kate poses the question, the agent stops just inside the door still hidden away from the main part of the Loft and the rest of the family.

"Kate, before you take me through to Rick, I just want a moment of your time.

"We didn't really cover this earlier as we were focused on the press conference, but I need you to try and do this for yourself and your sanity."

"Do what Paula?"

"Don't read the press. Or the websites. Especially the fan sites. TV may not be too bad, yet."

"Alexis was trying to tell me the same thing yesterday before she left."

"Well she is a smart cookie."

"I think I understand why, but is there any specific reason?"

"Nothing especially, but let me tell you that even Rick with twenty years of experience struggles with handling the feedback and opinion of the media. Of course it's got worse with every idiot with an opinion having a mouthpiece on the Internet.

"Look, I'll brief you all inside in a minute, but I'm telling you as someone I respect that almost nothing good comes of supping at the well of public and press opinion.

"I'll bear that in mind. If it makes you feel any better we've being ignoring the papers this morning and haven't had the TV on or looked at the Internet."

"Excellent. Perhaps you could both enter a Trappist monastery. Maybe for a year or two until this dies down.

"I don't think so Paula. Anyway, I think you'll find that they are properly called the Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance, and neither Rick nor I fit their candidate profile but especially him."

"Damn I have to remember you're a smart cookie too. No wonder you've got him." With her best New Jersey accent Rick's agent is grinning at her whilst making the unspoken implication about how many of his previous temporary companions weren't intellectually challenging.

"I do indeed, and I'm not letting go. So whatever we need to do to manage this…" Kate leaves the rest unspoken.

"Great, but we better go through before Rick gets paranoid."


The Loft, 12.25 pm.

Paula is finishing up the media briefing, and Kate is thoroughly impressed having never attended one before. It's just like an intelligence briefly but probably with more accurate information.

"Well opinion is divided on you Kate."

"The mainstream press are generally positive, if slightly cynical. They see the hand of professional spin behind everything. I have told them all that it was entirely your own statement but how much they choose to believe or more importantly report is down to them.

"That's the good news?!" interjects Kate. Paula nods.

"Yup. Now for the fan sites are split about fifty-fifty between you being the right person and the other side as some money and author grabbing gold-digger or worse. Much worse."

"The infotainment media are all in tizzy but will hopefully lose focus. It is the gossip and scandal rags I'm worried about. That article from the other day is just the first of many I'm afraid."

A general air of resignation meets the last statement.

"In a few weeks I will want to talk to you about some follow ups. Cosmo has expressed interest in doing an article on both of you. I guess you could call it a very belated follow up to the first article almost four years ago. The Post, Ledger, Book Review also. Plus a bunch who shall remain nameless for the moment. We'll play on your injuries and need to recuperate to delay things Rick, but I'm afraid that you and Kate will be back in the spotlight sometime. That is of course after we get you out of the spotlight first.

"Thank you Paula." This from both of them at once.

"They're so cute when they do that." Alexis smirks at both of them.

"You're most welcome to stay for lunch Paula." Insists Kate.

"No thanks. I need to miss at least one meal a day to retain my girlish figure, plus I don't want to intrude." Paula's tone makes that final.

"Please call me if there is anything you need. Oh and don't forget that modern digital cameras are equally good at shooting high res video so don't assume that it will be still only. Video and audio can also be captured. Let's not make any more problems for ourselves."

"But I did need to ask you one final thing before I left."

She pauses for a second, an element of the dramatic in her presentation.

"Did you want to know about Meredith Lee?"

"Crap I completely forgot about Mom." This from Alexis. From the look on Rick and Kate's face so had they. Martha remained quiet too, suspiciously so given her normal inability to avoid having a dig at the so-called actress.

"Not a problem. Well at least she won't be, well not in New York at least. She was put on a plane back to LA yesterday afternoon, and should be back in the Bel-Air residence by now. She has strict instructions to maintain a low profile, and we have every confidence she will cooperate for now."


Mandarin Oriental. Yesterday 1.30 pm.

Paula Haas had quite enjoying the feeling of carefully veiled menace the two Taylor Matthews operatives exuded as they stood behind her outside the door of Meredith Lee's soon to be former hotel suite. She felt even better at the totally defeated look on her least favourite ex-Missus Castle's face when she opened the door to see the three stern faces implacably waiting for her.

Paula had decided to see Meredith off personally. She wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to given the selfish bitch the severe talking to that she deserved. Unfortunately the chastisement it also included a proposal for her to think on during the flight back to LA.

It was simple, and hopefully effective. Stay away from the press, don't visit New York without clearance, and she could remain in the Bel-Air house and maybe they'll sort out her contract with her agent and get her back into work so long as she is not a source of future aggravation. It was more than she deserved but Martha had been adamant. Richard did not do grudges of this nature, so petty revenge was off the agenda plus this could be much more effective at keeping her out the picture in the long term.

She had to credit the Taylor Matthew team whose faces didn't crack an iota during her virtual monolog, well diatribe was much more precise, at the so-called actress during the journey from Manhattan to JFK. Meredith had barely said a word except to acknowledge the conditions collectively imposed by Richard Castle Enterprises, Taylor Matthews, the DEA, and Martha Rodgers.

They had arranged for the airport VIP service to escort Meredith straight to the plane and into her seat. A final touch had been to flag her as 'no alcohol' and Paula had been sure it was worth the cost of a first class seat to ensure that Meredith exited New York without so much as a single acknowledgement from anyone except her escort party.

Paula had then updated Clare Dunne, the lovely operative from Taylor Matthews had declined to attend saying she wasn't required to convey the appropriate message. Plus she may be tempted to shoot Meredith, which would of course be counter-productive. But she had provided Paula's two stern faced enforcers.

All-in-all a much more satisfactory conclusion to the event than could well have been foreseen some time ago.


No sooner had Paula departed than Esposito had arrived with Jim Beckett tagging along after sharing the elevator having met in the lobby. Both looked slightly perturbed by their experience of running the press gauntlet outside the building. Of course Esposito looked like he wanted to punch someone, and Jim Beckett just looked, well mildly put-out. Of course Kate Beckett could read her father, and she didn't envy whoever upset her Dad next.

He was followed shortly after by the Ryans and then Lanie Parish. For Jenny Ryan this was her first time at the Loft and it in effect became a double-whammy for Jenny as it was also the first time she had visited Kate Beckett's new shared home with her boyfriend and partner, and his family. Of course this is that first time for all of Kate's extended family too.

Kate and Alexis have given the Jenny and Lanie, ever curious, the nickel tour, although the young woman had bailed out after showing most of the upstairs. Jenny had been thoughtfully polite throughout the tour, and Kate knows it is part because of the discrepancy between what public servants can afford and a wealthy writer and to be fair the Loft and its furnishings are more about comfort than ostentation, but even so she can still remember her first visits here, and how overwhelming it could have been if it wasn't for the open, natural hospitality of the Castles.

Lanie has been nearly silent, so far from her usual upbeat authority and it put Kate off. She was determined to find out what is going on with her suddenly taciturn best friend.

As they entered Rick's office both had taken a few moments to take it all in.

"So this is where the magic happens?" Asked Jenny.

"No that's next door" quoted Lanie who was at least aware of the Loft's layout based on previous full-disclosure conversation with Kate. Kate laughed, relieved that her friend wasn't totally out of it.


With all their guests here, Martha rang through to the same local deli they used last night, to request their lunch order.

Whilst waiting for the food the boys kept their audience amused as they recounted the return visit of Serena Kaye to the Twelfth.

"Ohh Man, we missed that!" confirmed the disappointment of one Richard Castle.

"Yeah well I don't need her attempting to acquire anything of mine." Oh jealous Beckett bears a long, long memory. It's strange how he remembers that the insurance investigator was the second last woman who wasn't Kate that he deliberately kissed. The other was Jacinta the so clearly uncomplicated airline stewardess. Christine Coterra so obviously doesn't count his mind supplies.

He was distracted from that suddenly divergent thought by the Boys passing on Serena's message verbatim which resulted in multiple affirmations from the rest of the crowd. Even Jim Beckett.

As glasses were clinked, Rick suddenly pulled Kate Beckett into him and kissed her to within an inch of what was acceptable with company present.

"Rick! Not that I don't appreciate it, but what was that for?" Kate's mouth is close to his ear so he can safely assume the conversation is just for them despite their audience.

"Just reminding myself, us, that you are the only woman for me, and have been for a long time."

"Oh." Despite the single word he understands that she gets it.

"Good." Then after a second "Right back at ya."

Meanwhile Ryan has continued and picked up the story again. He is now getting the stink-eye from Espo as he recounts his partner's apparent flirting and infatuation with the blonde. The general laughter in the room has one silent spot at a certain glaring medical examiner who doesn't smile until Ryan reveals how lured Demming up from Robbery and threw him to the blonder man-eater.

Even Lanie joins in as they all laugh with Demming's uncertain fate still to be confirmed. There may well be some money riding on the outcome.

Lanie is still not impressed and after a quick silent exchange with Rick, Kate rises to takes her best friend to one side for a private chat in the bedroom.


Unfortunately for Kate, Lanie Parish is channelling 'Detective Kate Beckett the Denial Version' and after several minutes of fruitless attempts to get a meaningful response, Kate knows when to admit defeat.

Shaking her head but otherwise maintaining her own council she watches her friend return through Rick's office to the main living area. She suspects this is how they viewed her nascent relationship with Rick over the years, and her own countless acts of wilful self-deceit.

However before Kate can follow Lanie out there is a knock at the door frame and her Dad is waiting for his own private word.


Thrown by his sudden appearance Kate completely forgets her original game plan and simply asks her dad outright why he wasn't answering his home phone and by implication where he was yesterday morning.

He goes beet red.

Oh.

Before anyone else can notice she pulls him fully into Rick's office and then through into the bedroom.

Jim's eyes are wide open. He's never been in here. But his daughter doesn't give him time to sightsee. Simply glaring at him in question.

"I'm dating Valerie Wilson." Jim Beckett goes for the band aid approach.

"Oh." Is that a disappointed 'oh', or a surprised 'oh' he wonders?

Katie has obviously has some prior suspicion hence her not-so-gentle probing.

She is waiting for him, her carefully neutral detective's face on.

"She's the first since…." – he pauses suddenly aware of how that sounds. Even to him, let alone to his detective daughter.

For her part Kate blushes. Oh much more information than she wanted even if she suspects that wasn't actually the intent of the words.

"No! Not that! There's been…" He's redder than her now. "Oh God why is this so difficult?!" he exclaims.

"Val. She's the first woman I've wanted to date properly since you mother." Better.

"Why?" She can't help the question but she did at least keep the accusation and jealousy – she's jealous on her dead mother's behalf? - out of her voice.

"We make each other happy and a wise person recently reminded me that we only get one chance at life. So I decided to stop wondering what if and concentrate on being happy."

"Okay." It is much more tentative than Kate wanted her voice to sound.

"Can you be happy for me Katie?"

"Yes." More definite. She takes a second before continuing. "Look I can do that Dad. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now. Finally happy again. You deserve the same. It would hypocritical of me to be otherwise. But it is a shock, sorry a surprise." She corrects herself a little late but her Dad seems to let that pass.

"She'll never replace Jo, you do know that? Val said she just wants to share a place in my heart." The fact her Dad is smiling like some love struck teenager shocks her. She knows that look. She still catches it on Castle's face when he thinks she isn't looking. She's pretty sure it's on her face a lot of the time too when she is unguarded.

She can't keep the amazement out of her face. She hasn't seen this person for so long. The taciturn lawyer with serious demeanour and straightest of faces is grinning stupidly back at her.

"Okay. I think I can be okay with this Dad. More than okay if you give me a little time to adjust."

"Katie, that's more than I deserve. Thank you."

"No Dad, you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. I think she would too."

"I hope so too. I think about her every day. Every morning when I wake my first thought is often of her. Even now."

"I think that it is good that you have found someone Dad."

"Eventually would you like to meet her?"

"Of course. But in your own time Dad. At a pace you are comfortable with."

"Thanks Katie."

"Just promise me one thing Dad?"

"Sure?"

"Keep the embarrassing stuff private. No traumatising the kids."

"You mean like you and Rick do to Martha and Alexis?" And me goes unsaid.

"Dad!"

"Well they tell me things."

"Oh God, I'm officially mortified."

"Good. One of the last remaining satisfactions for a parent as they age is to continue to embarrass their children. I'm not giving that up even if I am dating."

"Dad!"

And then everything was alright again.


Lunch is extremely casual with some sat at the dining table, some the kitchen bench, and plenty of roaming between the two by most of the group. There is much chair hopping and side conversations spring up and die down as the Moussaka, salads and Turkish bread and dips are consumed.


The Loft, 3.05 pm.

Rick is flagging and all their family and friends notice. He of course is adamant that it is fine and they can stay even if he is passed out on the couch. Despite his assertion things begin to wrap up.

Esposito looks to be the first of the guests to depart as he takes his dessert dishes to the kitchen and then returns to the living space.

"Hey, I need to be going. Thanks for lunch Castle" and then suddenly remembering the new domestic arrangements for the pair, he thanks the co-host. "You too Beckett. Of course."

"So Esposito where you off to? Got a hot date?" When tired Rick's often ineffective filter is pretty much completely absent.

Stunned silence hangs in the room and the man himself looks trapped. Rick's unthinking tease is obviously right on the money.

"Men!" Lanie can't help herself. Of well, that confirms that the self-same 'hot date' isn't with a certain medical examiner.

In the awkward silence that follows Esposito's wordless plea for brotherly support is not returned by any of the men in the room.

"Bro?" Ryan's eventual response is low key and accompanied by a shake of his head. The disappointment conveyed in the single syllable clear to all in the room.

"You're so whipped." Esposito's response of disappointment at the lack of brotherly backup from his partner should sting but the accusation is taken with mere acceptance by the happily married detective.

Esposito looks towards Rick who is even faster and more certain in his denial.

"Oh No, count me firmly in the moving towards, if not already entirely in the whipped basket." Rick is rewarded with an arms round the neck hug and kiss on his cheek from his partner.

In his desperation, Espo looks at Jim.

The lawyer gazes back and then shrugs before speaking.

"Sorry Javier, I guess you'll have to count me out too."

Martha and Alexis perk up at this and Lanie shifts in her seat leaning forward. Kate sometimes wishes her friends and near family weren't quite so fascinated in all aspects of her life.

But they'll get no more from her Dad and she's relieved both for herself and him.


The Ryans make their excuses not long after. Suspicion falls on their plans to start a family and Kate has heard more than whispers from Lanie regarding somewhat overzealous planning and practicals on the part of the couple, especially Kevin Ryan.

Taking the opportunity Kate and Lanie persuade Alexis to take them up to her room and once there pretty much demand the details of what is bothering her.

It turns out that Alexis is perfectly happy to talk about it so long as it doesn't get back to her father which both agree to, subject to the usual conditions.

It transpires that Max has been seeing another girl at college. They weren't exclusive but Alexis had assumed. As a result Alexis was very much of the opinion that men, no make that boys were asses! A conclusion that Lanie Parish was fairly in favour of.

"I like Max a lot, but it isn't, sorry make that wasn't love. I'm more annoyed, angry even that I have been played for a fool. Taken advantage of.

"What are you going to do about it?" This from Kate.

"Talk to him. Be honest. If he doesn't want exclusive then I need to walk away. I'm not comfortable with sharing, especially if we're intimate. Not just because of the risks."

Kate is proud of the teenager and she can tell Lanie is too. At least this has somewhat distracted Lanie from the issues with Esposito.

"Please don't tell Dad."

"Of course. So long as you stay safe and happy Alexis."

"Thank you both."


Lanie had left not long after and offered her former intern a lift back to the Columbia dorms which Alexis had gratefully accepted. Kate suspected some more frank advice on men would be offered on the way.

Martha has vanished to her room and before retiring has informed them she would be going out and not to wait up.


The remainder of the afternoon had vanished in a nap for both of them, followed by the limited clean up following lunch, a few TV shows and a movie in the background before they both admitted they were already tired enough for bed by 9 pm.

"Another early night." Kate mutters.

"Yeah but not taking proper advantage."

"Don't pout. You know the doctor said no elevated heart rate for at least another week to ten days."

"Yet somehow that doesn't include physio sessions."

"That's because you are being professionally monitored and observed."

"Now there's an idea."

"Oh No! That's a big 'Uh Uh' Richard Castle! There is no way I've having sex with you whilst you are being monitored. You want to fly solo then knock yourself out. You want me involved then it's strictly between the two of us Buster!" She glares at him but then relents a little. "Look it's only a week and a bit. It won't seem like that long."

"But it's already been more than a week and a bit. And it does seem like a long time already. It will the longest since we've been together. I miss you."

"Damn man thinking with your appendage."

"I happen to know you like my appendage."

"Maybe I do. Perhaps more than the rest." She teases and kisses his cheek. "Later." She pushes herself closer to him. "I miss you too."

"Yes Dear." He's learning when to admit defeat.

"Can we at least cuddle?" Or at least adjust his expectations.


Author's Note

I started a new job and there is more reading that I have done for years. I've been head deep in SAP documentation and our in-house support manual for two weeks.

I did think about splitting this chapter in two but decided to keep it together as a single post. The next few chapters are already planned out and in progress. They should be shorter and I hope to be getting back to weekly or possibly a little quicker updates.

Thank you to those who take time to review. I really enjoy the feedback and encouragement the reviews bring.

As milestones go it is now 53 weeks (over a year since I started this story) and suffice to say it is has grown and progressed beyond anything I had planned or executed previously.

** UPDATED 3 Jan 2015 **

To fix the timeline with the actual calendar for 2012. See Updated Notes at the end of Chapter 1.

In this chapter one reference to November was replaced by October.