That night, every contestant who could make it gathered at the campfire pit for the last campfire ceremony.
"That ought to be good enough," Aunt Grandma said as she tightened a gag around Voltar's mouth. "I must say, you're even more of a troublemaker than that annoying mad scientist over there."
Behind his gag, the Angry Scientist screamed.
"Oh, hush, you," Aunt Grandma said. "Nobody really liked you anyway. But I still don't understand how they could have booted me out. Me! I'm Aunt Grandma! I bring joy to the children of the world! I help children and solve their problems! How anybody could dislike me, I'll never know."
"So where's Triana?" Ruby Gloom asked Chris McLean.
Chris shrugged. "We got everybody we could, but four people were unwilling or unable to return. Triana was one of them." He frowned. "She said, and I quote, 'fuck off.' Yeah. Not the most polite rejection I've ever had."
"Hooray," Ruby said sadly.
"Don't worry!" Chaz said, swooping up to her. "The Chaz is here, and he's much better than boring old Tina."
"Triana," Ruby corrected him.
"Her too," Chaz said. "Point is, the Chaz is going to make this the greatest party of your life."
"I don't think that's possible," Ruby said. "I've been to plenty of great parties back home. Although I suppose it might beat the one with the luna monster. I spent most of that party hiding in the house."
"Right..." Chaz said. "Well, rest assured, this is a party you won't want to miss. Too bad we don't have the Glamazons to help out, but hey! You've got the Chaz."
"Hooray," Ruby said unhappily.
Elsewhere, Snidely Whiplash had decided to talk to Elise.
"What do you want?" she asked him angrily.
"I wanted to ask if you were still upset about our alliance making you a lot of enemies on this island," he said.
"Oh, no," Elise said sweetly. "I got over that a long time ago."
Suddenly, Elise punched Snidely in the kidney. The villain keeled over and choked up some blood.
"Being framed for your bank robbery, however..." she said.
"What do you mean?" Snidely asked breathlessly. "I never–"
Elise kicked him in the throat.
"Say what you want," she told him. "But I know it was you. And trust me, do you know what they do to clowns in prison?"
Snidely coughed and hacked.
"It's nothing compared to what I can do to you. Sleep soundly."
Elise walked away from Snidely's fallen form. She passed a conversation between Marlowe and Ingrid.
"So, uh, this is awkward, but congratulations," Marlowe told her friend. "I'm really happy for you."
"Thanks," Ingrid said.
"And I did see that Nazz sold out Wendy, and that you were right," Marlowe continued. "So, y'know, I'm sorry that I believed her over you."
Ingrid shrugged. "It's okay," she said. "I realize it could have been either one of us who actually did it."
"Yeah, but still, I was wrong," Marlowe said. She noticed raised voices a dozen feet away. "Hey, mind if I run interference for Nazz over there?"
Ingrid raised an eyebrow. "Why would you want to?"
"Because she's my friend," Marlowe said. Ingrid looked at her quizzically. "Yes, I know, but still. I think Nazz is a good person, she just got too competitive and, well–"
"She was just playing the game?" Ingrid suggested.
"Yeah," Marlowe said. "Sure, it wasn't the nicest thing to do, but I can't really fault her. I think she's a good person."
Ingrid shrugged. "Go ahead and defend her then."
Marlowe walked over to Wendy, who was in the middle of giving a verbal beatdown to Nazz. Nazz was just standing there and listening.
"Do you know what it was like, knowing that you betrayed me?" Wendy ranted. "I swear, Nazz, if you ever come to Oregon, I'm gonna–"
"Hey, guys, what's up?" Marlowe said, inserting herself between them. "Say, Wendy, what is Oregon like? I've heard good things but I've never been."
While Marlowe distracted Wendy, Nazz slipped away. Suddenly, she found herself confronted by a sour-faced blonde.
"Oh, hey, Megan," Nazz said awkwardly. "What's–"
"Can the bullshit, Nazz," Megan said. "Why'd you do it?"
"How do you even know about this?" Nazz asked. "Did Numbuh Two tell everyone, or–"
"We got notecards telling us who voted for whom," Megan said. "That's not important. What is important is that you and Marlowe voted for Elise, and Numbuh Two said it was so I'd be the one who got kicked off. Tell me. Why'd you vote for Elise when we all agreed we'd vote for Snidely?"
"I thought Elise was the bigger threat?" Nazz offered. Megan didn't respond. Nazz sighed. "Okay, fine, so Numbuh Two was right. I got you kicked off."
"Oh, well thanks for that!" Megan said sarcastically. "If it weren't for you, I could have gone all the way! I had friends, I had skill, I had everything, and you took it away from me! I can't believe you did that just because you were jealous of me!"
"Jealous? Of you?" Nazz questioned.
"Yeah!" Megan said. "You couldn't stand how I was getting the girls to do stuff together, could you! You couldn't stand not being in charge!"
"Hold on a second, Megan," Nazz said calmly. "Who was the first person here that tried to be your friend?"
"It was–" Megan paused. "You," she finally said.
"And why were you on the chopping block in the first episode, anyway?" Nazz asked.
Megan huffed. "I don't know, probably something stupid."
"Oh come on, I know," Nazz said. "I think it was because you lied about something. But what was it?"
"I don't remember!" Megan said. "And it doesn't matter! Without you–"
"Oh that's right!" Nazz interrupted. "You said you were super popular and had a lot of friends back in Detroit!"
Megan fell silent for a few seconds. Eventually, though, she spoke up. "Even if that's true, it doesn't matter. You killed my chances!"
"Oh really?" Nazz asked. "And what chances were those?"
"Well, I–" Megan started.
"Because if I remember correctly, I was the only one who wanted to hang out with you," Nazz said. "And I was the one who introduced you to Marlowe and Ingrid. And I was the one who kept all four of us working together for the first three days. And meanwhile, you thought you were the top of the world. But without me, you probably don't make any friends. I mean, remember that first challenge? I worked hard convincing people to vote off Voltar instead of you. Because I thought maybe you needed a friend. But three days in and I was fed up with you. Sure, we all could have voted off Snidely or Elise. That might've made things easier. But then I would have had to spend more time with you, and I'm sure that most people would agree that me getting rid of you? That's an acceptable trade-off. Or are you going to get your hundreds of Detroit friends to back you up?"
Megan's face flushed red.
"You. Complete. Bitch!" Megan spat. She leapt at Nazz, and soon they were both tussling on the ground. Chaz smirked as he watched.
"Me-ow, what a catfight!" Chaz said. "On the burn scale, Nazz gave out at least a third-degree to Megan, while Megan's oven wasn't even on! Wow! What a show, folks, am I right?"
"Chaz?" Ruby said.
"Yes, Ruby?" Chaz said.
"Shut up."
Chaz and Ruby weren't the only observers. Most of the other campers were watching the fight. Two of them weren't, however.
"...and then we were left standing at attention in the hot sun because of his stupid policy–which, incidentally, ended up getting him trampled," Major Doctor Ghastly said. "How about you? Anything dumb your boss has ever done?"
Steve shrugged. "His ass once ate his hand."
Ghastly looked at him blankly for a few seconds before bursting out laughing. "That's a good one!" she said. "How does that even work?"
"Oh that's not even the strange part," Steve said. "The strange part was that it then ate the rest of him."
Ghastly stopped laughing and looked at him, surprised.
"You're not joking, are you," she said.
"No, this really happened," Steve said. "He sucked himself into his ass. I was used to this stuff, so I just ordered my hoagie for lunch, ate it, dicked around the lab for the rest of the day, then went home. I came back the next day, and Doctor Weird was just fine." He shivered. "Although still insane."
"That story alone tops anything I have," Major Doctor Ghastly said.
"I have more," Steve said.
"Tell me," Major Doctor Ghastly said eagerly.
"Sure," Steve said. "You know, you're not so bad for a mad scientist chick."
"What's wrong with mad scientists?" Ghastly asked.
"Dr. Weird." Steve said. Ghastly looked at him quizzically. "He once merged our bodies into this weird slime thing where we both had faces."
Ghastly's face wrinkled.
"H–how?" she finally managed to ask.
"I don't know," Steve said. "But..."
While Steve and Major Doctor Ghastly swapped boss stories, Andy French watched the proceedings with a disinterested eye. Every few minutes, he'd reach for something on the ground, feel around for it, look around for it, and then frown when he remembered it didn't exist. Nobody was paying attention to him, so Andy was surprised when Chris sidled up to him.
"Hey, Andy," Chris said softly. "Wanna make a deal?"
Andy looked at him with heavy eyelids and asked "Why?"
"Because I'll make it worth your while, and it won't hurt you any," Chris said.
"Not interested," Andy said.
"You don't have anything better going on," Chris pointed out.
"So?" Andy asked. "You're interested in making our lives worse."
Chris chuckled. "That's true. So how about you help me and go talk to Ruby and Chaz."
Andy turned to fully face the host. "Why?" he asked, completely befuddled.
"Just do it," Chris said. "I think it'd be interesting."
Chris walked away. After a few minutes, Andy sighed, got up, and walked over to Chaz and Ruby.
"Hey, guys," Andy said.
"Andy!" Chaz said happily. "Hey, thanks so much for the whole court thing. It was definitely one of the high points of the game for Chaz fans."
"Yeah, no problem," Andy said. "Hi Ruby."
Ruby tuned away from him, annoyed.
"Oh come on, you can't still be upset that I was in an alliance with Snidely," Andy complained.
"Oh, she can," Chaz said. "But enough about the past, let's talk about the now. So. Why'd Chris send you over to talk to us? Hmm?"
Andy shrank away. "I don't know what you're talking about," he fibbed.
"Oh come on, seriously?" Chaz said. "Give me some credit, I know what I'm doing as a reporter. So. You, Chris, us. What's the dealio?"
"I–I don't know," Andy admitted.
"Really?" Ruby asked suspiciously.
"Really, he just said I should go talk to you," Andy said. "I swear, I'm not lying."
While Andy, Chaz, and Ruby tried to figure out what was up with Chris's instructions–a problem made harder by the fact that both Ruby and Chaz suspected that Andy wasn't telling them everything–Boris, Dale, and Numbuh Two sat together on some stumps.
"You know, even though none of us won, I'm glad I met you guys," Dale said.
"I'm still annoyed that you used a fake name around me," Boris said.
"It's no big deal, I use a fake name in public all the time," Dale said.
"Yeah, Numbuh Two isn't really my real name either," Numbuh Two admitted.
"Really?" Dale asked, shocked.
"And as long as we're disclosing the truth, I suppose I should admit I always wear a disguise and that Boris Badenov isn't really my actual name either," Boris said. "Although I don't know what is. Huh. I guess I don't even know my real name."
"Anyway, I'm glad I met you all too," Numbuh Two said.
"Me too," Boris said. "Although if we meet again I might stab you in the back. Just a heads-up."
Numbuh Two smirked. "I wouldn't expect anything less."
"Me neither," Dale said.
Suddenly, a sharp whistle blast drew everyone's attention. Chris was standing behind the podium. Next to him was Chef Hatchet, wearing a hot pink dress and carrying a silver briefcase. The fire roared to life.
"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!" Chris announced. "The presentation of the million dollars to the last! Camper! Standing! Ingrid! Get up here, and take your money!"
Ingrid walked up to Chef. Chef held the briefcase out to her. Ingrid opened the briefcase. A light orange bill fluttered out. Ingrid picked it up and frowned.
"What is this?" she asked.
"It's a hundred dollar bill," Chris said smarmily.
"Why is it orange?" Ingrid asked.
"It's a Canadian hundred dollar bill," Chris said. He smirked.
"Why doesn't it feel like plastic?" Ingrid asked.
"Because the Canadian government is interested in being environmentally friendly and has switched to paper," Chris said.
"Where's the intricate design of Robert Borden?" Ingrid asked.
"We got sick of people confusing him with Lizzie Borden," Chris said.
"And why does this bill say Monopoly on it?" Ingrid asked.
Chris cracked up. When he finished laughing, he wiped a tear from his eye.
"Because you got a million dollars in Monopoly money!" he said happily. "Now, Chef, if you would do the honors?"
Chef pulled on a gas mask. Chris did the same. Everyone looked around, confused.
"Wait, what's going on?" Andy asked.
Chef hurled a ball of something into the fire. The ball exploded into a giant cloud of black smoke that spread out and covered the entire campfire pit.
"Don't worry," Chris said into a microphone in his gas mask. "It's non-toxic."
The world turned black.
