And the beggar did ride.
"What's that?" Willow asked, as Xander brought a long metal tube into the library.
"The result of a wish," he replied, catching everyone's attention.
"What?" Giles asked, hoping he'd misheard.
"Something I wished for," Xander said. "I got a lamp, rubbed it, genie, three wishes... ring a bell?"
"I know the story," Giles said, "I'm just concerned with the many possible disasters a wish brings!"
"I don't feel like taking you back!" Cordelia snapped out, concerned that he may have wished away her free will.
Buffy froze wide eyed and checked how she felt about Xander, but couldn't decide if she was fonder of him now than she was the day before.
"I feel like givin' you a roll," Faith offered.
"You bastard!" Cordelia growled.
"You cad!" Wesley said horrified, much to Faith's surprise as she didn't think he really gave a damn about her.
The rest of the Scoobies looked at him with various degrees of shock or horror.
"What does any of that have to do with my wishes?" Xander demanded before he realized what they thought. "You people suck!" he exclaimed glaring at all of them except Faith.
Faith laughed. "So what's that and what were the wishes?"
"The first wish had to wait, because she'd spent the last sixty years trapped in a bottle and wanted a hot bath and a massage."
"That's not what my first wish woulda been," Faith said with a smirk.
"That was her third wish," Xander said. "Bath, massage, sex."
"I thought she was supposed to grant your wishes not vice versa," Faith said.
"She granted my wish to be fireproof before her second wish," he replied.
"Fireproof?" Faith asked.
"She was an efreet I'm guessing, a spirit of fire and air," Giles said.
"Crimson skin, coal black hair, and a body temp you could fry eggs on," Xander confirmed.
"Yeah, I can see where fireproofing would be needed," Faith agreed.
"And I ended up using a second wish so I could fulfill her third," Xander explained.
"Start over from the top," Faith suggested waving for him to sit across from her.
"OK, I got a package in the mail, because of a letter I mailed off a couple of years ago."
"That's some slow service," Faith said shaking her head.
"You ordered a genie through the mail?!" Giles demanded.
"The uniform jacked had an old letter in the pocket. See, soldier boy loved novelty items and magic and he had everything ready to mail for a genuine genie in a bottle, so he dropped it in a mailbox during Halloween."
"And chaos magic did the rest," Giles said, "turning a novelty into reality."
"Exactly," Xander agreed. "So the bottle was mailed to me and contained a real live genie. I freed her and she demanded a hot bath, which I provided because sixty years in cramped quarters... Anyway then she wanted a massage but her skin is red hot, so I wished I was fireproof."
"Makes sense," Faith agreed.
"And of course the massage lead to sex, but she was like seven foot four and could crush rocks with her thighs, so I wished... for a kind of adaptive ability."
"Adaptive ability?" Giles asked curiously.
"Yeah, so I have strength and toughness to match my partner to avoid injury."
"Wait," Faith said. "Are you telling me that if we have sex you'll be as strong and tough as me during it?"
"And fast, flexible, etc..." Xander agreed. "But it lasts until I have sex with someone else. Anyway my third wish was for -"
"Faith to have sex with you, you cad!" Wesley declared.
"Hello, magical item," Xander said showing the metal tube. "Why in the hell are you so insistent that I wished for sex?"
"Faith said she would sleep with you," Buffy said, "Why would she want to sleep with you unless magic was involved."
If looks could kill Buffy would have been dead before she could blink and both she and Willow winced back from the explosion they knew was coming.
"Because he's got a decent body, a good sense of humor, and doesn't look down his nose at me," Faith said defusing the coming explosion.
"OK, I'll share the silver screen with you, but everyone else can go fuck themselves," Xander said, the uncharacteristic profanity drawing some looks.
"Because I'd fuck you?" Faith asked bluntly.
"Cause you didn't assume I used a wish to make you want to sleep with me," Xander replied.
"I got the advantage of knowing who I'd sleep with regularly," Faith said.
"And she doesn't know about the love spell!" Cordelia said suddenly.
Xander rolled his eyes. "Picture this, you work your ass off to get the money for a semi-expensive piece of jewelry to give to your sweetie on Valentine's day. So when you do it, in the middle of the dance floor in front of everyone, she dumps you. What do you do?
"First I come to grips with being a lesbian," Faith said making Xander laugh, "and then I start digging a hole for the body, cause the bitch is dead!"
"Well I got someone to cast a love spell so I could get her back and dump her the way she dumped me."
"Sounds reasonable," Faith said. "Be easier to shank her in the shower though."
Xander laughed. "Spell backfired and everyone in town fell for me. It was a nightmare."
"So who all did you bang?"
"No one, it was magically compelled, it'd be no better than rape."
"Then why is everyone acting like you would?"
"Because assuming the worst of me is what they do best? Anyway, wanna join me watching the Silver Screen?" he asked.
"What's it do?"
"Ever heard about a movie coming out and gotten excited but then the deal fell through and the movie wasn't made?"
"Yeah," Faith replied hoping this conversation was going where she thought it was.
"Any movie with any cast," Xander said with a grin.
"How about Debbie does Dallas, starring Barbara Billingsly," Faith challenged.
Xander laughed. "Yep!"
"Awesome!"
Typing by: Maltor
