Chapter Info

Title: Heavy Thoughts Tonight

Number: 49/?

Warnings: Angst, violence, language, pregnancy

Author's Note: If anyone knows where I got the chapter title from, you're awesome. :D Anyway, wow I can't believe next chapter is number 50. That's awesome! My longest story ever, and thank you all for sticking with me! I just wanted to mention to the newcomers—welcome, welcome!—to make sure to check out my other Daryl/Amaleen story called What Doesn't Kill You which takes place 12 years in the past and it's the beginning of Daryl and Amaleen's relationship. It's going to be shorter and updated slower than this one, but it's there! Anyway, thanks everyone for reading! Comments are love!

Bloody. Kirai: I already send you a PM about your question, but I think this chapter answers it. :) Thanks for reading and commenting and for the suggestion!


The next morning woke everyone bright and early as Rick had scheduled them for an early morning departure. Lighting was best at dawn and it would give them the whole day to drive. None of them were happy about the possibility of camping along the highway again out at night, least of all Rick and Daryl, but there just might not be a choice. When Amaleen had woken up, Daryl was already awake and getting himself dressed in some clothes that didn't have any of Amaleen's blood on it like his others did. Everything was tossed in a separate bag to be stored away in the back of the truck with the rest of their bags, his bike, and some other supplies. Once he saw she was up, he gave her a soft kiss and then helped her get up, change, and even put her hair into a neater ponytail before tying a sling around her arm to keep her shoulder from moving. She couldn't help the large grin that split her face because the hunter acted so rough and tough, acting like he didn't give a shit about anything, and yet he did things like this. He made her feel so special and safe and loved, like she was the only girl left in the world. She knew that he loved her, he loved her so much. Daryl Dixon loved her and she knew that she was the luckiest woman that ever lived, and her kids were the luckiest kids for having him as a daddy. Alex would never know that, but Jellybean sure as hell would.

After helping her downstairs, he sat her on the couch and Rick came over to join them. They discussed something quietly for a moment making Amaleen's eyebrow go up before Daryl nodded and they turned back to her. The serious looks on their faces made her eyes narrowed as the emerald hues flickered back and forth between the two men in suspicion.

"You're not goin' anywhere," Daryl finally said causing her to frown. "I mean for right now, we're not leavin' ya behind, crazy woman." Of course he knew that's what she was thinking. "You'll sit back 'n let us finish packin' shit up, then we can go. There'll be no arguin', Am, m'serious. Just stay here 'n let us get everythin' done."

For once in her life, she did just that, her face falling into an understanding smile and she nodded, reaching up with her good hand to pull him down to sit next to her. "I will. Long as I can sit up front with you on the drive 'n annoy ya." A mischievous grin fell over her face as his fell and he snorted, shaking his hand and standing up.

"Like I said, crazy woman." But of course she knew that meant that he was going to listen to her request anyway. Rick gave her a quick hug and kiss to the forehead before heading outside to help them. She did want to help, but it was understandable that she not be able to help considering she only could lift with one arm, and not her dominant arm for that matter, plus it still screamed something terrible. She had always been good at hiding pain, emotionally and physically, so she didn't say a word as she sat on the couch watching everyone else go in and out the door with bags and boxes. She had a feeling Daryl, if not Rick as well, knew that she was in pain, but they chose not to say anything and for that she was glad. She knew she couldn't take any pain medication because of her Jellybean and for that she had to deal with it. And of course she would rather deal with that than be dead.

But she was incredibly bored just sitting around on the couch so risking a little bit of Daryl's annoyance, she stood and went out to stand next to the house to watch the others finish the packing. She did indeed earn a frown from her lover, but she just grinned at him as she leaned against the railing and made small talk with those around them. Once things were almost finished, Adie sighed and leaned next to her to take a breather, running a hand through her blonde hair. Clearly it was in the way and Amaleen handed over one of her two hair ties so she could put it up and out of the way.

"Oh my god, thank you. You're a lifesaver!" Adie exclaimed with a grin as she tugged her hair up out of her face. Amaleen giggled and glanced over her shoulder quickly, seeing that Rick was watching them and she gave him a strange look before he went a little red and looked away. She raised an amused eyebrow, but didn't say anything as she shook her head.

"I keep ahold of those things better than my weapons, I think," she said with another laugh. Adie laughed as well. "But m'pretty sure you're the lifesaver here, not me." She paused. "I never did thank you for that, by the way. I owe you a lot for savin' my life."

Adie waved a hand and shook her head, even though she smiled. "You don't owe me anything. I was happy and glad to do it."

Amaleen could only smile and she looked down at her feet, shifting slightly. She could never really express how grateful she was to the other woman because unbeknownst to her, she saved two lives by pulling that bullet out of her shoulder, Amaleen and Jellybean. Grateful didn't begin to cover it, mostly for her lover and their baby. Protecting them was her biggest priority and for a moment she questioned her decision about keeping Jellybean a secret. It would only be a couple more weeks until her second trimester and then she was out of the real danger; that's when she planned on telling everyone. But Adie was a nurse, maybe things would've been different with her little surgery there if she had told her about Jellybean to begin with. For a moment her lips parted to say something, but then slammed shut. No, she just wasn't ready. She knew already what losing a child was like, and the last thing she needed was everyone's looks of pity and sympathy if she told them and then something horrible happened. She remembered getting them from coworkers and doctors and even her mother when Alex died, and she couldn't do that again. Amaleen would rather grieve in private.

Shaking herself slightly, she lifted her eyes again to the other woman and sighed softly. "I hafta tell ya... It might seem nice ta not hafta do any work, but it can kinda get borin', too." She paused. "'N I feel a bit useless."

"You're hurt, there's a big difference," Adie said. "And I'm sure the others don't feel that way. They all want you to feel better."

Amaleen sighed softly. "I know," she said simply, smiling wistfully over at her family milling around and finishing up on getting everything moved into the vehicles. Daryl glanced over and she smiled, waving slightly with her good hand and he merely scoffed and shook his head, which made her giggle. She knew he was still a bit miffed she was outside, but he would get over it.

"Can I say something with upsetting or offending you?" Adie asked suddenly, causing Amaleen to look over in surprise.

"Takes a lot to offend me."

Adie nodded. "Okay, well... I guess it just kind of shocked me that you're with Daryl." Amaleen raised an eyebrow. "I don't mean that he's not a good guy, it's just I guess he just doesn't seem like the relationship type. Honestly, I thought you were with Rick." She chuckled as Amaleen wrinkled up her nose. "Come on now, he's not that bad looking."

"Oh no, Rick is a sexy motherfucker." Adie smirked and her eyes slid not-so-conspicuously over to the ex-deputy. "But that don't mean I want him like that. That would be like doin' my brother." She shook her head. "Nope, we're close, but not like that. I've known Daryl for a long time 'n he's always been the man of my dreams."

Adie smiled as Amaleen's gaze flickered over to the redneck who was working with Glenn and Rick to shove a motorcycle in the back of the truck, a serene and tender look crossing the brunette's face. She had to admit, though a bit shocking, they looked absolutely adorable together. The protectiveness just swallowed this group whole and the possessiveness that they had over each other was shocking and astounding. It was no surprise that Adie had such a hard time for that first week; they were so used to each other and trusted each other and all outsiders were considered dangerous.

"Well, the love between you is obvious. The way he acted when you were brought in injured?" Adie shook her head. "I've never seen a man act like that before, like you cut off his air supply. It was scary, Amaleen. That boy loves you so much."

"I know," she whispered, her hand delicately and inconspicuously creeping to her belly to feel Jellybean flutter. "I'm the luckiest girl in the world."

"Someday, if I'm half as happy as you, I'd be lucky, too." Adie and Amaleen grinned at each other before Adie pulled herself away and went over to finish up with shoving the rest of the supplies into the vehicles. There was actually less than Amaleen thought, but she supposed that was because their food supply was something that was nearly on a day-to-day basis versus having a large stock like they did back on the docks. Part of her wished they could dare to go back and get everything, but there was no way in hell Rick was going to let that happen.

"We got a destination in mind?" Daryl asked as the trunks were closed. At the question, Amaleen joined the rest and stood next to her lover, her side pressed against his and his arm subconsciously fell around her waist. "Drivin' all willy-nilly's just stupid. We got a map now, let's take a look 'n find a route on there, find a small town 'n set our course for there. Hold up there for a day or two, or just a night, then head ta the next town."

Rick looked at him and then glanced around before shrugging. "Better plan than anything I had." He looked at Amaleen. "You lived in upstate New York for awhile, right?" She nodded.

"Yeah, about ten years."

"Anything there worth aiming for?"

Amaleen shrugged. "Not much. I mean the City is just a big red X now, like ten times worse than Atlantic City. The bigger cities upstate are probably the same. But what people don't realize is there's a lot of farmland upstate as well, like so may small towns all shoved together. The one I lived in was big on horses 'n racin'." She laughed. "We could always just find a farm 'n lay low there for awhile."

She didn't miss the nostalgic looks that passed between the others in the group. Amaleen had heard bits and pieces of the time the group spent on Hershel's farm before she got to them, back when they were still in Georgia, but when Hershel had been alive, he didn't like to talk about it much. Lori had once told her that Hershel had tried to defend the farm from a herd that invaded and vowed to die there, but Rick and Carl had dragged him into the truck and away from the farm. She had always felt horrible for the man and so she didn't bring it up much. But really, considering the small population in those towns, a farm might be a good idea to try. Build up some fences, put watches on like they had there in Hamilton, and they could survive there for awhile.

"I guess we'll just have to see as we go and figure it out," Rick finally said. "I think upstate New York or Pennsylvania is a good idea for right now. No big cities, and no further south. The cold winters keep the walkers slow."

It was true, all winter there at the docks, they had seen one or two walkers, and their bodies were cracking from the ice that covered them and they fell apart where they walked so it was easy just to smash them to bits. Once you got even more north, like upstate, especially around the lakes, then it was bound to be even worse in the winter and even easier to kill walkers.

"I know of this place," Adie said suddenly, "in a town called Sandmill, New York that used to be one of those survivalist camps, you know the people that were convinced the apocalypse was coming and they trained on how to survive afterwards, building and living in bunkers underground, shit like that. Who knew they would be right, but ironically enough, it was one of the first places to fall, at least that I saw. I'm from New Hampshire and was coming down through New York to visit in-laws when it first started." Amaleen glanced at her, realizing the term "in-laws" was the first sign that Adie had given them of her life before all this. "We passed it on the way and it was up in flames. Two days later, the televisions and radios went dead and the cities burned, too. So if that place is still there, then they have one of those underground bunkers we can use. And it's in the middle of nowhere, the town had about a thousand people at most as a population, and it's away from any big city. Could be worth looking into."

Rick kept his eyes directly on the blonde and once she was done speaking, he glanced at Daryl who actually looked a bit surprised and the hunter nodded. Rick pulled the map out and turned it over to the larger one on the back, the one that was the whole north east instead of just New Jersey like it was on the reverse side. Adie took a step up to the map, in between Rick and Daryl and Amaleen didn't miss the way Rick glanced down at her and lingered a second longer than he should've before his eyes slammed back to the map and he refused to look up again.

The woman smirked. Someone has a crush, she sang to herself, resisting the urge to just poke Rick into admitting it. But she sure as hell would later.

"Here," Adie said, leaning closer to the map and pointing to a part in central New York. "This map is too broad to show the town, it's too small and too off the main highways, but I know it's there. We passed through this city, Utica, to get there. It's still a good hour or so away from there, but not all the way down here to Auburn or Cortland. If we can get to New York and find a gas station, then they should have a New York map and we should be able to find it. Once we get to that town, I can direct you through the roads." Blue eyes flickered up to meet blue eyes as Rick studied Adie and then slowly he smiled.

"You're a lifesaver," he said and Amaleen grinned because that's the second time someone said that to Adie today and she watched the woman blush. "Everyone else okay with that?" Nobody argued, not even Daryl, and so he slid the map into the back of his jeans and tapped the hood of the truck. "Alright, since Adie's with me in the van, we'll lead the way. Glenn you'll be behind me, and Daryl you can take up the rear. If anything goes wrong just beep. Once for bathroom breaks, twice for gas issues, three times for emergencies." Everyone nodded and Beth and Carol headed back inside to make sure that everything that was useful was taken before they all climbed into their assigned vehicle.

Judith had been sleeping in the van for an hour by that time so Amaleen and Carol helped mix up a couple bottles, knowing she would wake up hungry, and made sure that there were diapers in the backseat. Carl, luckily, had been interested to learn how to feed and change her, which was good since he would be in the back with her. The house that they found all the baby stuff at also had a car seat in the station wagon outside so she was buckled safely into that.

Amaleen waved to Adie, Rick, and the others as everyone climbed in and got settled. Like Amaleen had demanded, she got the front seat and sat smugly next to Daryl who just narrowed his eyes and chose to ignore her. Part of her wished Carol had gone with Maggie, Glenn, and Beth simply so Amaleen would be free to tease Daryl in the driver's seat, after all her left arm was next to him and that one was perfectly fine, but if she tried to touch him while Carol was in the backseat, he would get so upset. And she didn't want to upset him. But she hadn't been able to tease him like that since they had very first gone out so she was antsy to be able to do something like that again.

Still, she managed to keep her hands to herself as Rick beeped and pulled out onto Marion Road to head back to Route 501 which would take them up to Interstate 70 that would lead them north into New York.

.x.x.x.x.

The fact that the woman beside him was already crawling under his skin was a bit unsettling to the man. Rick hadn't dated anybody new since before he had been to the police academy which is when he met Lori. When he met her, he knew she was the one he would spend the rest of his life with and that was that. Of course, back then he never expected the dead to start walking and his wife to die in childbirth so shit happens and things change. He missed her every second of the day, always thinking about her and wondering what she would be doing if she was with them. For starters she would've flipped out when Amaleen had gotten shot. She would already be sewing clothes for Amaleen and Daryl's unborn baby. She would be proud of Carl for stepping up so easily and excitedly into the big brother role. Rick was proud of him for that, too. Rick knew that no matter what, he would always love Lori.

So why was he unable to keep his thoughts or his eyes off of the newcomer beside him? The fact that she was beautiful was undeniable, but that couldn't just be it. He had been around beautiful women before—like Amaleen, for instance, though he would never admit that and risk Daryl's rage—and he never acted or felt like a teenager who just started noticing girls for the first time. That's what it felt like, maybe because it had been so long since he noticed anyone except Lori. She was fresh and new and young, smart and outgoing and strong, the beautiful part was just a bonus. And if she knew what he was thinking right then, she would probably laugh in his face because what kind of woman would want a man like him: distant, cold, ineffective at protecting his loved ones no matter how hard he tried. If he had done his job, then they would still have Hershel, Lori, and T-Dog. If he had done his job, then Amaleen wouldn't have gotten shot.

He sighed quietly to himself as the silence in the car settled over them easily. He glanced over at Adie out of the corner of his eye, watching as she put the window down a couple inches and leaned over, smiling as the wind picked up loose tendrils of her hair and danced them around her face. The natural lighting bounced off and made them shimmer like gold, reflecting back at Rick and mesmerizing him as if she were a siren and he were a lost sailor. She didn't even have to open her mouth and he was just caught up in her.

And he only knew her for two goddamn weeks.

Get it together, Grimes. This world ain't the kind of world to be thinking about fairytale romances. Some people get them, but most don't. Just let it go and focus on keeping this people alive, that's all that matters right now.

Setting his face in a grim line, he tracked up to Route 501 which they would stay on for twenty miles before hitting Interstate 70. Getting to their first checkpoint was the goal for the day, and that's what he forced himself to think about, not the way that the sunlight made the woman next to him simply glow.

.x.x.x.x.

Amaleen had managed to fall asleep while still on Route 501. Interstate 70 would be the longest leg of their journey and unfortunately, because of cars in the way and herds they had to hide from, they knew that they wouldn't be making it the whole journey in one day, even though that would be ideal. Getting out of New Jersey and into Pennsylvania itself would take four hours on a normal drive, but things were never normal now. They just had to take each day as it came to them. Amaleen hadn't wanted to fall asleep, but Adie had warned her at one point not to be surprised if she slept a lot due to blood loss. She fought it, but eventually her head rested against the window even as her shoulder protested, and her exhaustion won over.

Ever so slowly the world around her slipped away into one that wasn't so bright, wasn't so cheerful...

Amaleen knew she was alone in the house, and she knew she was going to die. She wasn't sure what happened to Rick and Daryl and why they weren't there, but she knew that the house was vacant. Well, except for her and the greasy man currently advancing towards her. She could smell his foul breath and the stink from his clothes. Even in a walker-filled world, he still smelled like a landfill and she held her breath to keep from gagging. No matter how far she backed up, there was only the wall behind her and the bed in front of her.

This seemed to excite him because, unlike what happened in reality, he didn't shoot her. He kept the gun trained on her, advancing towards her slowly like an animal on the prowl, bent on stalking and playing with its kill before it ate it. She supposed that was the worst part about it all, she remembered that predatory look in his eye that scared her even more than the gun leveled at her did.

"Leave me alone," she tried to say, her voice coming out as a squeak and it only caused him to laugh. With a quick lunge, he had his arms around her wrists and she screamed, making him laugh even harder as he tugged her forward. His rank breath swept over her face and she gagged, eyes watering as he laughed right in her face, eyes full of promises of every evil thing he wanted to do to her. Her body landed against his and she tried to wiggle away from him, but it seemed to excite him and he just held her tighter, lips right next to her cheek.

"Just stay still, sweetheart, it'll be over soon." He had actually said those words to her and to hear them again made her scream again, struggling under his gaze and his grip, his laugh raising in volume and sounding even more crazed than it had before.

"No!" she screamed, heart pounding in terror, tears falling down her face. "No, please! Stop, don't touch me! Daryl, Daryl help me! He's gonna hurt me, please help me!"

"Am!"

"Help!"

"Amaleen!"

She sat up with a gasp, violent and terror-filled tremors making their way down her spine as she trembled in the passenger seat. It took her a moment to come back to reality, to realize that those hands weren't really on her, that the man was dead and she was safe sitting next to her lover. She didn't know how long she was out, but that dream—that nightmare—shook her up more than she ever felt before. She had nightmares thousands of times of Alex's death, both made her feel absolutely helpless, but it was such a different feeling from the man's cold, greasy fingers on her and smelling that revolting breath so close to her face. She realized then she was sobbing, her fingers clutching the doorknob and a solid, warm arm that she realized belonged to Daryl. It was his voice that woke her up, that brought her out of that dream. She called to him to save her, and he was there to save her just like he always would be.

We're stopped, she realized, glancing up to see the group pulled alongside the highway. She didn't know if it was still Route 501 or they were at Interstate 70, but the shutters running through her body stopped her from being able to think about anything other than that horrible nightmare.

Slowly her gaze turned to her right, seeing a very worried Rick and Adie standing at the window. To the left was Daryl, terrified and staring at her with such helplessness and fear that more tear slid down her face. That look on his face...god, she would never forget that look for as long as she lived.

"...Daryl?" she whimpered, her voice so much smaller than she wanted it to be.

Daryl nodded, his fingers lifting to push escaped tendrils of hair behind her ears before he cupped her cheek, thumb gently stroking her cheekbone. "Baby, what is it? What happened?"

She gulped and then slowly shook her head, unable to really discuss what it was that had happened. Nothing in that dream was real, the man never actually touched her. He wasn't there long enough to do anything other than shoot her. The way her body tensed made her shoulder ache, but she couldn't seem to calm down.

"Nightmare," she managed to rasp out, leaning against his hand as if it were her lifeline. Of course, that's exactly what he was to her, the reason for her living and breathing.

Clearly he could tell she didn't want to talk about it and he looked like he was going to ask again, but he clamped his lips shut and nodded once. She shuttered again and leaned closer, hating the console between them because all she needed right then was his arms around her. That's the only way she would know that she was safe.

"Will you be okay?" she heard Rick ask.

Glancing over at Rick standing by the door still, she could tell he wouldn't be leaving until he knew. She nodded softly and sniffed, bringing up her good arm to wipe quickly at her tears. "I'll be fine," she whispered, but her voice sounded dull and she saw Rick's frown deepen. There was nothing that anybody could do about those nightmares except let them work themselves out and hopefully not take her down with them. "Promise." Her voice didn't sound at all convincing, and she couldn't even try a smile right then even though she knew her brother needed it, needed that reassurance.

He studied her for a few more moments before finally nodding once and leaning in to kiss her forehead. "Be careful," he whispered and she nodded before he finally turned and headed back to the van with Adie behind him, who glanced back at her a couple times. The others had also gotten out, but Rick waved them away from crowding the truck, even though they all looked worried.

"Carol, can you drive?" Daryl asked and the woman nodded immediately. He held up a finger to Amaleen to make her wait where she was before quickly climbing out and jogging for Amaleen's door. Carol got out and slipped into the driver's seat as Daryl opened the door and took Amaleen out. He held her close to him for a moment, her good arm wrapping around him and instantly she felt the tension ebb from her body. Daryl's embrace just did that for it, it always did. Opening the back passenger door, he helped her in, shut that door, and then ran around to climb in behind the driver. Her body perked up a little as she realized what he was doing, squeezing himself into the backseat for her even though his knees shoved into the seat and he clearly looked uncomfortable. Carol re-started the truck and honked to let Rick know they were ready and off they went again.

Faintly Amaleen noticed they were still on Route 501 and that she had only slept for about an hour. She was still so exhausted, but her eyes refused to close anymore as she huddled there in the seat. Once they were going and Daryl was able to glance over the gauges and at the road ahead—Amaleen knew that he hated not being able to see where they were going, which made this even more special—he turned his attention back to his girlfriend and tugged her closer to him. She understood why he went back to this side, because he could pull her against him without risking hurting her shoulder again.

A sigh left her lips as she wiggled in between his legs and lay against him, his arms wrapping around her waist tightly and for once, he didn't seem scared he was going to hurt her. She pressed her face into his chest and sniffed again, realizing her tears were all wiping off on his shirt, but knowing he didn't mind. It seemed she had a habit of that, first Rick and now Daryl. It almost made her laugh if her mind wasn't too haunted of the images from her dream. She hadn't realized that she was so effected by the events that happened. In this world, shit happened and you just had to get over it. But it seemed like the trauma was even deeper than she was willing to admit to herself. But she knew she didn't want to talk about it, and that's why she lay curled up against Daryl's chest silently and waited for the tremors to pass.

"Ya scared the shit outta me," he whispered to her suddenly, his voice so broken and so soft she knew that Carol wouldn't be able to hear him over the sounds of the engine and the wind whipping by the car. "Ya just started screaming for help. Then ya said my name... Fuck, Am, I was s'fuckin' scared."

Amaleen sniffed and pressed closer to him, no energy to look up at him, but she did have enough energy to comfort him the best she could. Her fingers gripped his shirt and pressed tighter, wishing she was more useful at making him feel better. She had done her best to convince him it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't, but this was going to throw that all out the window. She could see on Rick's face as well that he blamed himself.

Silly boys, she thought sadly. My knights in shining armor are so bent 'n broken that they don't see how amazin' they are.

"M'sorry," she whispered to him and he shook his head.

"No apologies. Not your fault. I just... I never wanna hear ya scream like that again. Don't think I'll ever be able ta get it outta my head. 'N don't be scared, baby. I'll never let anything hurt ya again. I know I said that before 'n I ain't done it, but I promise. Nobody'll hurt ya, I'll die protectin' ya."

"No," she said suddenly, sitting up to look into his eyes, her own full of fear. "No, you can't. Please don't even say it, Daryl. If you die, I die. I can't live without you. Dontcha know that? Wherever you go, I go. Live, die, I'll be there with ya. You're the love of my life, the man of my dreams. My protector, my partner, the father of my children." If Carol heard that, Amaleen didn't notice and at that moment, didn't care. "Please don't leave me—"

"Hey," he interrupted, voice cracking and he pulled her back to him as tears fell from her eyes again and she sobbed softly against his chest. "I ain't goin' nowhere. Ya hear me? I ain't goin' nowhere. Ya don't hafta worry, ya don't hafta be scared. Nothin' will take me away from ya. I'll always be here with ya."

Amaleen nodded, throat too choked up to say anything. Instead she just brought her head up again, feeling Daryl's fingers fall to her cheek just like she loved. Whimpering, she leaned closer to him, lips finding his in a frenzied, searing, desperate kiss as she just told herself that he was right, that he would always be at her side and nothing would ever happen to him. She meant what she said, too—if he died, she died. It was that simple. She was desperately in love with this man and she kissed him like she was about to leave him, clinging to him and placing herself in his lap. And he kissed her back, telling her that everything she was feeling and thinking, he felt and thought as well. It was overwhelming to get that feeling from an amazing, incredibly beautiful man—inside and out—such as Daryl Dixon.

"I love ya s'much," she whimpered to him, leaving him no time to answer as her lips lowered over his again.