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H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O

That moment in the ICU was nearly the last time any of them really had time to see Danny. It was a surety that Kono's altercation on the beach that fateful day had been the last time for certain any one of them had spoken to him with any clarity, because even though Chin and Steve had visited and seen to his needs, Danny really hadn't spoken a single word. Twenty-five days after waking in the ICU and now sitting alone in the day room of an exclusive psychiatric center, Danny had taken that stance even farther. All those days later, he was still refusing to speak to or see anyone outside of his doctors or the clinic's talented staff.

"Danny? You have a call," Agnes, one of the nurse's aides was holding the portable handset and waggling it enticingly in front of him. She hid her frown when he wouldn't look up, merely shaking his head to decline the offer.

"Later," Danny murmured quietly. He'd been relocated to the Big Island twenty-one days earlier - on the same afternoon which he'd been released from the hospital - and remanded to the clinic for professional care. Chin had gone with him that first day to make sure he'd been settled, with promises of being available at a moment's notice.

The location was half torment and half relief. Tormenting because, if he'd wanted to, he couldn't readily even see his daughter. And relief due to that very same reason; no one could easily reach out to him. Sure he had his cell phone, but he'd turned it off and hidden it in the top dresser drawer of his small, spartan room. Only on certain days did he turn it on, purposefully turning a blind eye towards the multitude of voicemails to make one call. One very special call to Grace.

Still, he hadn't been entirely able to escape. During those twenty-one days, Chin and Kono had each travelled to the Big Island; taking turns only to be denied their visitation, so finally, like now, resorting to attempts at frequent phone calls.

"It's Commander McGarrett," Agnes softly prodded, the phone pressed to her chest to provide some semblance of coy privacy. She searched his bowed head for a signal that he might give in to his friend. "It's Steve, Danny. He's called almost every day ... are you sure?"

"Later," Danny repeated though knowing now it was Steve and not one of the cousins pinged harder at his bucket of guilt. He didn't know what to say though and couldn't even imagine a conversation except for the obligatory remarks from Steve that he understood or didn't blame Danny. That he was ... fine and able to simply toss what Danny did to the side because of some SEAL-sized ability to forgive and ... forget. But Danny wasn't there yet; not even close and he shook his head again, his peaceful mood ruined. His mind inadvertently swinging south to a bad place; a dangerous spot where he thought he rued Kono's intervention and wondered if he still could do it. The thoughts were distinctly more faint and perhaps not as frequent, but like his nightmares, they were still there.

"Later. Please," he whispered as he argued a very sudden and deepening feeling of depression. Danny would need to confess these feelings during his next counselling session. And he would discuss it ad nauseum with Doctor Forbes who would listen and kindly offer opinion. Danny needed these talks. He desperately needed to avoid that bad space in his head ... and in his heart. Annoyed with himself for going there now, Danny closed his eyes to block Agnes out, squirreling his legs to his chest on the long over-used sofa. He'd claimed the chair as soon as they'd permitted him some free rein in the pretty ground floor recreational room. The small sofa was often in the sun and he had a birds-eye view of the large grassy lawn, perfectly manicured flowering shrubs, and too many palm trees to count. Far removed from the ocean and definitely from the public, the high-end facility was peaceful and, at times, more than Danny felt he deserved. But the Governor - at Chin Ho's behest - had made this very special effort for one of their own.

Eyes closed and trying to force his heart to calm from its momentary off-kilter pounding, Danny listened as Agnes politely spoke to Steve before she ended the call. He was only putting off the inevitable, still he couldn't help it. Not yet. According to Doctor Forbes, he would grow beyond his shame and he'd eventually be ready to confront those he'd hurt so badly. Chin, Kono and God help him, especially Steve. But not yet because he couldn't forgive himself and because frighteningly, he still had the occasional inclination to do something more definitive. Especially after the still too frequent vivid nightmare or the eerie sparkle of an horrific remembered event. Terrible things which he couldn't anticipate which therefore meant, that he couldn't trust himself. A session with Doctor Forbes might set him off for all the good the man was providing. Or, an odor or even the simple daily task of taking a hot shower. Danny never knew what the impetus might be and he remained on edge ... scared even.

Danny felt Agnes leave and he relaxed, her shadow briefly flickering across his face when her small frame momentary blocked the sunlight. She'd discreetly report him to Doctor Forbes - the refusal. His relative silence and continued unsocial tendencies. It was a kindly, dutiful act. He knew she was required to do so and didn't resent it at all. The clinic was a good place and everyone meant well. He knew that and he accepted it all without question. Of late, he often looked forward to his sessions with Doctor Forbes, his head was more clear and he'd begun to gain some weight back, though not much of his strength or usual stamina. He was healthier, but not healthy.

Danny sat there for over an hour as he often did, thinking and staring out of the big window. Searching for an endless void of nothingness to fill his mind so he could escape dwelling about where everything had gone so horribly wrong. He sat there playing games inside his head where he had options, including one where he simply chose to sink farther away into the void so he'd never have to return. But he just couldn't do it ... he couldn't find the true wherewithal to fade that far and so he always resurfaced ... alive ... because those few Sundays he'd been there were nice times. Quiet times where he'd not be required to do any kind of formal therapy whatsoever. He was left to his druthers to read, watch television or even walk the garden if he so desired. Escorted of course, but never so much so that he'd feel a prisoner. Slowly but surely, he was rediscovering himself.

It was also the day when a multitude of family visited for the facilities' other patients and his current attention was fixated on the activity. He liked to watch the comings and goings, oftentimes a small smile flitting across his lips when balloons popped out of a taxi before the excited husband, wife or some other family member. It was getting later in the morning now though and things were starting to die down a bit. Danny's interest waned and he sighed tiredly as he considered taking a walk in the garden.

He had time before the activity would resume as it always did; picking up for the late afternoon dinner visits. People would begin to leave during that time too, tears in their eyes and a sadness in their step. It was an interesting dynamic which he couldn't help analyzing with some sense of detached interest.

Danny shifted in his seat, intending now to take that short walk. After, it would be time to call his daughter and he smiled to himself in anticipation. But something stopped him in his tracks. A faint silhouette; familiar and oddly foreboding as it drew his attention. An older man was walking alone in the distant garden. Tall and broad-shouldered. Dark hair sprinkled with silver.

It couldn't be him and yet Danny felt a jolt of fear as he fought a weird memory of Spense. Something tickled the fringes of his memories. An uncomfortable feeling of cold coupled with a high view of Waikiki at night and he shivered uncontrollably, his heart set to pounding all over again.

"Shit," he murmured while forcing himself first to acknowledge the memory for what it was and then brutally discard it as such which Forbes had been coaching him to do. A brief recognition of a badly fractured impression prompted by a simple visual cue. Something so broken it lacked a start or end; neither good nor helpful. Not useful. Not tangible. Completely not worth the anxiety nor his fretfulness to remember. He smiled broadly then as a new memory replaced it. A real one. A very valid memory. In fact, Danny almost laughed, the unfamiliar and long-lost happy crinkles near his eyes brightly flaring for an instant.

Steve's voice. "You don't need those memories anyway, Danno."

There was little doubt that Forbes would agree and he'd also heartily laugh at the blunt similarity to his own advice. The psychiatrist was a jovial man, pleasant and gregarious. He was steadily pulling Danny out of his funk by the size of his personality alone. There was a noise outside then and Danny looked up, the smile still lightening the stress on his face. He watched with some interest as a police cruiser slowly pulled up to park on the curb. But then his smile faltered and he shook his head in exasperation as the driver's side door opened and his partner quite unexpectedly slid out from behind the wheel.

Just three days earlier, Chin had again been his impromptu visitor and Danny had almost agreed to see him before opting out. But this was Steve's first and Danny unfolded his legs, standing to nervously watch his friend's bold walk to the front door. It was apparently why the man had called just an hour earlier. Steve had been on his way over and had wanted to talk to him first. He was here now though and taking long strides up the walk to the main entrance. There, Danny lost sight of him and at that, he stood stock still in the sunny dayroom as an illogical fear seemed to steal his ability to think.

~ to be continued ~