Kate knows it's time to walk away. There's a delicate balance to this art, so she's got to let him sit with that for a moment. She gets up from the bench and finds Dashiell running around the spiral slide, intercepts him in a spinning hug.
Alexis stands up and dusts off the knees of her jeans, pushes her hair back behind her ears. "You guys okay?"
Kate smiles at her and bounces Dash to keep him distracted a little. "Yeah. Just. . .talking. Hey, do you know where the we could all swing? These are baby swings. I was wanting those regular-"
"Yeah. There's another playground nearby, just down the path. We can all swing there." Alexis steps off the border around the sand, heading for the gates.
Kate gestures to Rick, and she's relieved to see him stand and follow them down the path.
The Castle family migrates to the big kids' swings. Rick still hasn't spoken to her, but she tries not to worry about it. They all seek out a swing, settling in a row.
Kate holds Dashiell in her lap, his little legs sticking out alongside hers, his hands clutching the chains as she gets the swing going. Alexis swings beside them, already pumping her legs and getting higher, and Castle is at Kate's left, barely moving, watching her.
She ignores him. She focuses on her son, who is clutching the chains tightly. He is grinning as she swings slowly, building up some speed. Kate leans back suddenly, and Dashiell gives a little yelp as the wind hits his face; he topples back against her as he loses his balance. She has an arm hooked around the chain and then snaked around his waist but she tightens her hold as she pumps her legs.
She glances over at Rick and sees the lines in his face that not even swinging can erase; she feels sorry for putting them there. She was the one teasing him when she knows he's got some deep-rooted fears when it comes to her getting pregnant, but she went there anyway.
She's not even sure she can convince him it's a good idea. She's not sure it *is* a good idea. It was really just an urge, a sudden overwhelming urge to make real this image she has of a rowdy, dark-haired girl who plays with her wild, reckless older brother while Castle hovers nearby. An urge that hasn't entirely faded. . .
But that's a stupid reason to have another child. And irresponsible. Not to mention that she's already got one son she barely has a handle on, and a job that she won't quit but which takes so much of her time, and maybe one day, will take her life as well.
Completely irresponsible of her. Risky. Selfish.
Of course, these are the same things she said about getting involved with Castle. And while they were true, to some degree, those things ended up not mattering when it came to actually being with Castle.
It took her long enough though, didn't it? She was pregnant before she even had the chance to figure out what she wanted with Castle, and she refused to marry him throughout her pregnancy even though he did convince her to move in with him.
Dashiell was born on Halloween, but it took another eight months before the day-in and day-out of life with Castle seemed real enough, stable enough, necessary enough that she brought it up again. It had to be her; Castle wasn't about to ask her again, for the hundredth time, when she'd made it clear that she wanted to get used to everything first.
It has to be her now, too. That's the problem. Castle's not willing to rock the boat when it comes to this. Which she's grateful for; he knows her too well. He knows not to push. But then it falls on her to get things done.
So it took a long time for her to figure out this is where she's supposed to be. So maybe it's just taken her this long to figure out what she wants out of their family as well. Maybe it's just insecurities and frustrations that hold her back instead of real obstacles. If she wants a little girl, why shouldn't she and Castle have a little girl?
And if she has another boy instead?
Kate tilts back in the swing again, making Dashiell gasp with delight, his eyes blinking fast against the wind.
If she has another boy, oh. . .
Oh, then Dash has a brother. A best friend, a whole new personality added to their family. A boy just like Dash might be more than she can handle, but it also might be exactly what Dash needs to keep him busy. And what if the younger one is completely different? What if he's laidback and sleeps in till ten?
As the dizzying plunge of the swing catches her off-guard, Kate realizes that she really *does* want another child. She's always wanted more than one; all her barbie families had three kids when she was little. All the stuffed animals had more than one kid because she felt so alone as an only child, so isolated. She does want another. Maybe not now, maybe not until Dashiell is a little more manageable, older, mature, but some day.
Some day, another little baby. She flinches as Dashiell lurches forward, tightens her hold on him. She's not a huge fan of the baby stage, but Castle is exceptional at it. Of course. It will be okay. Right?
Kate watches the ground rush beneath her, then positions her feet so she can push off against the dirt, go higher, faster. Dash squeals at the added momentum and then belly laughs as they reach the pinnacle of their swing, his body shaking with his mirth.
She uses the ground to push off again, and Dashiell's laughter peaks breathlessly. Kate grins at the sound and sees Castle slowing his swing to watch them. Alexis is already out of hers and leaning against the pole between their swings, her eyes fixed on Dash's joy.
Dashiell belly laughs when Kate does it again, hunching over her arm as he does, his eyes scrunched up and his cheeks like fat apples. Castle has jumped off his swing as well and comes to Alexis's side, both of them watching Dash's full-body laughing as the swing pendulums.
Kate adds a little bit of a jump to her next push off, and Dashiell screams, laughing so hard that his whole body is a rag doll against her arm, helpless to the drag of gravity. His laughter sounds like a someone has just told the best joke in the world; it just goes on and on, growing richer and more desperate with every peak of the swing.
Finally, when his laugh grows in volume and wildness to the point of being crazy, Kate starts to slow down, letting her feet scrape the ground. Dashiell leans back against her chest, hands still clenched around the chains of the swing, his little body coming up with helpless giggles every once in awhile, breathing hard.
When they slow down enough for him to get under control again, Dashiell releases the chains and claps. "Mo, mo, mo!"
"More?" she questions, teasing his neck with a brush of her nose and a kiss. "You want more swing?"
"Peas, momma!"
Kate looks up at Castle to share her smile with him and sees the longing on his face, naked and unbound.
"Hey baby, why don't you swing with Daddy?" she says instead, and slows their progress until they are only rocking slightly back and forth. "Daddy looks like he needs to swing."
"Daddy!" Dashiell cries out, reaching his arms towards Castle.
His father comes for him, scooping him up but giving Kate a dark and wild look. She wonders what's on his mind, if he's forgiven her for their conversation. For everything. Or maybe he's thinking about giving in to her?
She stands up from the swing, holding onto it by the chain. "Rick?"
"Yeah, let's swing, buddy." He takes her place, holding Dashiell to his chest, and wraps his arms around the chains. "Let's see if we can go higher than Mommy."
"Yeah, yeah!" Dashiell claps his hands again but rocks backward when Castle pushes off.
"Gotta hold on," Kate scolds Dash, stepping away from the path of the swing. When she's convinced that Castle is relatively okay, or at least unwilling to meet her eyes and let her know any differently, Kate joins Alexis at the pole, leaning against its white paint.
Alexis gives her a grin. "I've never seen him laugh that hard before."
"Me either," Kate agreed, smiling to herself. "He sounded scared out of his mind."
"He did! He likes to be scared. Like with hide and seek. Thrill-seeking."
"Oh great," Kate groans, shaking her head with a smile towards Alexis. "Just what we needed. Another Rick Castle."
Alexis laughs at that and crosses her arms over her chest, watching her father and her little brother swing. Dashiell starts laughing again when Castle gets some height, his laughter starting in earnest at the peaks of the swing's arc, trailing off as they ground rushes past, then growing again as they come back up.
"I kinda heard some of what you and dad were talking about," Alexis says suddenly, not looking at Kate.
"Which part?" she says back, determined not to blush.
"You want to have another kid?" Alexis asks, shifting back and forth on her feet.
Kate sighs. "I think so. Eventually."
"Eventually."
Kate chews on her lip and tilts her head, watching Castle with his son. "Yeah," she says softly, something tight in her chest.
Alexis scuffs at the gravel with the toe of her shoe, but says nothing more. She looks upset. Or deep in thought. Kate releases her bottom lip from her teeth's hold, soothes the irritated place with her tongue. She tries not to interrogate Alexis about it, to let the girl open up when she feels like it.
She realizes that Castle would know just what to do to make it not so awkward. Castle would hug her or touch her shoulder or squeeze her elbow, something.
Kate, hesitant about touching in the first place, opens her hand and tries not to think too hard about it. She ends up linking arms with Alexis, which is usually the move Alexis does to her, to Kate, so maybe this will feel familiar. Natural.
Alexis flashes her a small smile, but some of the tension seems to drain out of the girl's body. She still doesn't mention the conversation though.
After a long, torturous minute, Alexis takes a deep breath, then asks, "Why did you let Dad name Dash? How did that happen?"
Kate isn't sure how this ties in to the other thing, but she's willing to see where the conversation leads. "I didn't. He didn't. I named Dash."
Alexis half-turns towards her in surprise, breaking some unspoken rule of theirs that all the serious conversations don't happen face to face but side by side. Or maybe that's just Kate's unconscious rule.
"What do you mean?" Alexis asks, a funny look on her face.
"I named him. What makes you think your father did?"
"Well. Because. He's named for Dashiell Hammett, isn't he?"
"Yes. I read too." Kate laughs a little but watches Alexis's confusion, not sure what she's getting at. "Hammett was a writer of detective stories," Kate explains, shrugging at the girl.
Alexis's face is hesitant now, as if broaching an uncomfortable subject. "And uh, you picked that name? Dad didn't?"
"Right. I told you, Hammett was an author who wrote detective stories. So that makes it some Castle, some me: author, detective. Dashiell."
Alexis's face clears immediately, drops into soft surprise. "Oh. Kate. Does Dad know this?"
Kate laughs. "Of course."
"No, I mean. . .did he ask you why you picked Dashiell?"
"Of course he did. He said if it was for Dashiell Hammett and I said yes."
Alexis shakes her head with a kind of helpless gesture that makes Kate think Alexis is bemoaning Kate's ignorance. "Not like that. That doesn't explain it like you just explained it to me. I mean, does Dad know that? That you named him Dash because he's part you and part Dad?"
"Well, I assume he gets it. Why wouldn't he?"
"Because he's dense. And because I don't think that would ever to occur to him. Well, no, it would occur to him, but he'd think it wouldn't occur to you."
She raises an eyebrow and laughs at Alexis. "He wouldn't think that it would occur to me? Why wouldn't it?"
"It's just not. . .you," Alexis says helplessly. She looks apologetic. "You're not like that. Sentimental. I mean, there's so much meaning in Dash's name that I didn't expect. I just-"
Kate stays silent, wondering if this is true, if this is how she's projected herself even to Alexis, to Castle as well. Naming her son Dashiell was just. . .the only thing she could do to make Castle understand.
But maybe it didn't make things any clearer. Maybe that's another way they haven't communicated. She tries to let her actions say everything, because words are hard, but Castle is a man of words. . .
"I'll tell him again," Kate says softly and draws Alexis closer to her, squeezing her hand.
And maybe that will sway him.
