*tissue warning as requested*
...
chapter forty-five
Without words it seemed, the next day passed them by, seemingly planned despite the lack of verbal communication. They had a slow morning, neither wanting to release the other from their embrace too soon. Then they headed to Nikki's favourite café for a late lunch, sitting outside in the warm autumn South African sunshine. They took a long gentle walk along a beach in the afternoon, Nikki dipping her bare feet into the slightly chilly water, Harry laughing at her when a wave caught her legs a little higher than she expected, leaving salty water lines on her cropped trousers. He was aware that despite the fact they both felt more relaxed than they had for a long time in many ways, as the day wore on the tension in the air between them changed.
Both of them knew what was coming. Neither could escape it now. Not that either of them was sure they actually wanted to. In a lot of ways this had gone on for long enough. They were tired, exhausted of the daily struggle. Never would Harry wish that someone else had to go through this, the trauma of watching someone you love die. Slowly, painfully. It was excruciating for both of them.
Returning to Sara's home later in the afternoon, Harry couldn't help the apprehension spreading through him, rapidly pulling along doubt and fear for the ride. He looked over at Nikki. She seemed so calm, so sure of herself, and as much as he couldn't truly understand, he was pleased that she obviously felt that way.
Parts of him wanted to scream and shout, to rant about how unfair this was, how it shouldn't be happening to them, how it shouldn't be happening like this. Another side of him simply wanted to break down in tears. To curl up in a corner somewhere, sob like a small child and wish it would all go away.
He was sure that usually one of those sides would have won out, but today he couldn't let it. He wouldn't do that to Nikki. He'd have plenty of time after this day to tear himself into pieces. That thought was almost overpowering, and Harry had had to take a deep breath to prevent it from taking over. He felt tears developing in his eyes, and blinked rapidly a few times trying to clear them before Nikki noticed.
As she reached for a bag of items she'd hidden away for this moment, the throbbing of her head and the aching that permeated her entire body reminded Nikki why she was doing this, how they'd reached this point. She appreciated that Harry was being so understanding, this wasn't something everybody could wrap their heads around. But everyone had their limits, and she had gone way beyond hers.
Nikki kept her back turned to Harry, somehow sensing that he needed a moment to compose himself. She wondered briefly whether she should feel bad that she was putting him through this. But then once she gave it some more thought she came to the conclusion that this was better than the alternative. He was going to have to let her go, neither of them had any power over that, and at least this way they had some control over the time and place. At least they were together. She couldn't ask for more than that.
Removing a syringe from its packaging, she inserted the needle into the small glass bottle that had almost caused an argument between them. An argument that felt so far into the past, Nikki couldn't imagine that it had only been a matter of weeks. Harry watched her closely as she filled the syringe, wanting to say something but no words would leave his mouth.
He beckoned her over to the bed, pulling the covers half over both of them. He tried to take the syringe from her, but she wouldn't let him. This wasn't something he could do for her; this was something she needed to do for herself.
He had almost expected to see a little fear in her expression, some doubt in her eyes. Yet there was none. It was as if she was finally going to find the peace she'd been searching for all her life. As a ripple of something he couldn't quite define passed through him, Harry pushed it down and tried to keep hold of the tranquil state they'd somehow managed to spend the day in. He wished it never had to end.
They sat together for a little while. Wrapped up in each other's arms. Again Harry found himself wanting to say something but where to start was far beyond his imagination. It surprised him when Nikki spoke, her voice slightly sleepy but incredibly relaxed.
"Tell me a story." She said simply, tucking her head into his neck, her blonde curls tickling his sensitive skin.
It took Harry a couple of minutes to think about where to start, but once he did he spoke for a while, his voice quiet and calm, purposefully taking his time over the words.
"Once upon a time there was a beautiful young anthropologist. One day, out of the blue, she decided to break into a lab, with the intention of borrowing their computers. They didn't realise that really she was looking for a home, for somewhere to belong, and she couldn't possibly have realised that both the men that already lived in the lab would fall in love with her. One would become the father she never had, looking out for her when she got in too deep. One would become her closest friend. Eventually these two would realise they'd fallen in love. It took them a little while, they weren't the most intelligent when it came to their emotions. But finally one day they realised, and from then on they could never go back."
Harry stopped his words as he felt Nikki's breathing began to change. Her chest rose and fell more slowly, seeming to extend the gap between each action. Her eyes flittered, but she found the energy to turn to look at him, a more peaceful expression on her face than he could have possibly imagined.
"I'm tired." The words were such an obvious understatement that Harry might have smiled under any other circumstances.
"Sleep." He replied simply. Her deep brown eyes stared up at him, suddenly rich with emotion. "It's okay, everything's okay now, you can sleep." A trace of recognition and realisation slipped across her face.
Just as her eyes began to close, he let his lips touch hers. So softly, so gently, so completely final.
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