A/N: Hello everyone! I wanted to say a huge thank you to Kimmyycubb and Lilyth Celestyn for their reviews, they totally made my day and given how crazy things are at the moment, it was the perfect morale boost to move forward with the writing of this fanfiction! I also wanted to thanks all the people who have faved and followed the story and all of you who are still reading it!


Dinner was dreadful. Correction, this whole day was dreadful. This wasn't at all what she had imagined for her return after long and trying weeks in the Western Approach. It was so bad that her thoughts kept going back to the only good moment of the day, unable to stay focused on the conversation and small talks of the nobles she was supposed to converse with.

They had just arrived that morning and, as usual, master Dennett was there so they wouldn't have to bring the horses to the stables themselves. Dorian nudged her shoulder to get her attention and pointed towards the battlements. Cullen had just exited his office and was coming down to greet them. She couldn't describe how she felt when she saw him, butterflies fluttering in her stomach, her heart hammering in her chest and if she could listen to herself she would run to him and throw herself into his arms. Which was exactly what she couldn't do in such a public area. Especially during the hours where the mantles of the inquisitor and of the commander were draped over their shoulders.

"Inquisitor, glad to see you have safely returned." Cullen said as he walked up to her, trying, and failing a bit, at hiding his smile.

"Thank you commander. It's good to finally be back at Skyhold."

They were both staring at each other, clearly on edge and trying hard to act formal and not let show how they ached to keep their feelings in check. It was the first time they were separated for so long and to finally be reunited and yet unable to be close was a torture.

"Oh for the love of the Maker! Just kiss her already!"

Startled and bewildered, they glanced towards Cassandra, when they finally realized just who had said that. She was looking at them with an exasperate look on her face but with a very discreet grin at the corner of the mouth. And when they kept starting at her for too long she waved at Cullen to do as she said.

The next thing Alexis remembered was Cullen's arm sliding around her waist, his hand on her face and his lips crashing against hers in a searing kiss. She moaned in surprise as she was still thinking that he wouldn't dare kiss her in front of all her companions and where other people like his soldiers or guests of the Inquisition could see them. Oh, she wasn't about to complain about his boldness, she liked when he acted a little reckless with her, it made her heart beat faster. She quickly returned his kiss, opening her lips to the fervent assault of his tongue. She gripped his shoulders, her fingers finding purchase in his cloak and all around her there was a sudden and loud burst of cheering and whistling coming from her friends and companions. She smiled against Cullen's lips, very much aware of all the attention on them, yet not caring at all. She had missed him too much. It was the first time they were kissing in public like that, except for their very first kiss on the battlements. Sure her relationship with Cullen was a very not well-guarded secret here in Skyhold, yet, this kiss, right now, in front of all of them, it felt like it made things a little more real between them.

"Are you well, your worship?"

Steered out from the sweet memory of Cullen's lips on hers, Trevelyan begrudgingly placed the most polite and demure smile she could on her face and turned her gaze to the Starkhaven dignitary sitting on her right.

"Perfectly well, my lord, just the lingering tiredness from my latest travel, nothing more."

"You should come to my domain, Lady Trevelyan, and take the time to rest. You'll see, the Heartlands are the most peaceful place this time of year! " Said the Marquis de la Claireau, the Orlesian noble on her left.

"A most gracious offer, but I have to decline for now. The inquisition's work is, alas, far from over."

And there here and now was her current nightmare. Stuck at a very formal dinner between the Marquis who was making a poor job at hiding he was trying hard to win her favors and some Starkhaven noble send to discuss the situation in Kirkwall, since the inquisition had lent its help to the Kirkwall's city guard to prevent an invasion by Prince Sebastien Vael.

Before that, there was the urgent council meeting to discuss the situation regarding the grey wardens which lasted hours. Then, when Alexis thought she could snatch another kiss from Cullen, she was ushered out from the war room by Josephine and Vivienne who dragged her to her quarters so she could take a bath while Josephine filled her in on the very important guests she had to meet tonight. And, no it couldn't be postponed to the next day! Vivienne made her try on several outfits and gowns before finally setting her choice on one. And yes, she had to wear it at the dinner!

They dressed her up to make small talks with various nobles and guests. Vivienne did her make-up and Josephine the very intricate up do in her hair. And this time she truly had not been able to escape wearing some kind of gown because these smart and sneaky women had made sure none of her scars would show. The dress was composed of an underbust corset with halter straps and that covered her back up to her neck. Underneath it was a rather simple square neck and long sleeved royal blue gown. And of course there was what Trevelyan called, the Vivienne's touch. The skirt had a slit going all the way up to mid-thigh, made to reveal her legs as she walked. Legs that she had still clothed in a very fitting legging. And to complete her attire, knee high heeled boots. True to Madame de Fer's words, it made her look all the way like the woman of power she was. Not that she liked the feeling.

Bored to death and obliged to hide it, Trevelyan exchanged a few more formalities with the dinner guests, picking at her food.

"The Prince wishes this matter settled as soon as possible. Surely your Worship understands the importance of an alliance with the grand city of Starkhaven."

"I most certainly do. But again, these aren't matters best suited for dinner. Surely it can wait the formal meeting settled with Lady Montilyet tomorrow? She has worked so hard to prepare it, you wouldn't want to disappoint her." She said with a smile that was getting harder to fake each time she used it tonight.

"Yes, of course, Inquisitor."

As the emissary's attention shifted to his table companion, Alexis felt the Marquis leaning towards her as he spoke in a hushed tone.

"If he tries to seal an alliance by offering marriage, I beg you to decline. Rumor has it that the Vael Prince took vows of chastity. He wouldn't be able to offer all the attentions a Lady as gorgeous as you should receive."

The Marquis had flirted casually with her since the beginning of the dinner, but that was a whole other level. And with gossips about the Prince on top of that! She was tempted to respond something a bit provocative like "And how would you treat a Lady?", yet decided against it. She did not want to encourage the Marquis in his attempt at seducing her, if anything, less attention from the nobility gathered at this dinner was what she truly desired.

"You can rest assure that I will decline if such proposition occurs, as you can clearly see, my attention is fully on the war at hand."

Her response probably disappointed the Marquis, as Trevelyan evaded the true purpose of his words, though he didn't let it show. And it wasn't a lie, per say, stopping Corypheus truly took most of her time. She barely had half the time she wished she had to spend with Cullen, and barely a little more with her companion and friends, since they were less busy than the commander.

Speaking of the commander, he wasn't quite enjoying himself either tonight. He was also attending the dinner, at Josephine's orders. And probably following more of their ambassador's rules, he had discarded his armor for a more formal attire. It was as well-groomed as the one he wore at the Winter Palace, the jacket a dark shade of blue with silvery embroidery outlining the rim. Cullen probably did not liked it, too tight and too fitting to his taste, but it suited him perfectly, hinting at how perfectly well build his body was. He was sitting too far for Trevelyan to be able to speak with him, yet not so far so she couldn't see the signs of his boredom and distress as his female neighbors kept leaning towards him, displaying their charms to his eyes.

Trevelyan made a mental note to ask Josephine later about the bribes she most certainly had received so these lovely ladies were the ones sitting next to the commander, who was still courted by many Orlesian noble women. She glanced at his direction, and for a moment, their eyes met. She smiled discreetly to him and though he responded to it, his smile seemed weak, tired, and Alexis could discern shadows under his eyes that weren't there earlier. He looked exhausted, strained even and the dinner probably wasn't the only reason. As much as she wanted to know if something was wrong, she clearly would have no answer until later.

Cullen watched as Trevelyan looked away from him, her attention, once again, claimed by one of the nobles around her. And he hid his annoyance behind his glass as the Marquis' eyes roamed shamelessly over her, lingering far too long on her cleavage. Well, to that man's defense, Cullen had to admit that, the way they were highlighted by the underbust corset, it was made to catch the eye. Her whole outfit was made to catch the eye. When he first saw her as she exited her quarters, it took him a moment to remind himself he wasn't supposed to stare at her in complete awe with such an audience around them. She was breathtaking, though in a very different way than the first time he saw her wearing a dress. That first dress made her look feminine, and ethereal as if she was some creature out of a dream. This time, she felt real, magnetic and exuding power. She was equally beautiful and womanly, but in more dangerous way.

"The inquisition has been on so many lips since the masquerade at the Winter Palace, especially your name commander, and the court had nothing but praise for you." Said the noble lady on his left as she leaned towards him.

"Hum… thank you, my lady." Cullen said as he replaced his glass on the table.

"I must say, I was curious to discover myself if everything they said on your account and about the inquisition were true."

It was the woman on his right trying to gather his attention now. A voluptuous blond clad in luxurious dress, the daughter of some noble who was in Skyhold to discuss a commercial trade with the inquisition.

"Ah… And now that you have seen things for yourself?" Cullen responded in a vague attempt at making conversation and not being the scruffy and grumpy bear Josephine had dared him not to be tonight. A considerable effort given his headache. If it got worse, he knew he would have to excuse himself before the end of the evening and leave.

"Oh it exceeds everything I could have imagined." The woman said as she purposefully brushed Cullen's fingers with her own as she reached for her glass of wine.

Despite his instincts telling him to take his hand away, Cullen remained perfectly calm. This wasn't the first time orlesians were very forward with him, he could handle it.

Not so far from there, Alexis' eyes couldn't help but catch the not subtle touch of that woman's hands on the man she couldn't claim as her own. She immediately felt jealous. A very unpleasant feeling she wasn't accustomed to. Not because of the attention Cullen was getting, if anything, the signs of annoyance on his face were all she needed to know he wasn't enjoying the attention. But because she was dying to be in that woman's place, sitting next to him, being able to flirt casually with him in public, to show her affection. To simply be able to act like any other people in love would. No, this was impossible to them. For the sake of the inquisition. And it made her heart ache more than she had imagined.

Finally, dinner was over and part of the guests would soon follow Josephine to a salon were they would finish the evening. As they rose up from their chairs, Alexis hoped she could reach Cullen before they all got dragged away by either of the nobles courting their favors. She was halfway there when he gave a very stiff bow of his head to the ladies still beaming at him, and he left, determined to get away before anyone could prevent him from escaping. He left, with only a glance in her direction, sadness and pain readable in equal measure on his face.

Trevelyan had to lock herself down so to not run to him and onlookers be damned. She resisted the urge and before she could do anything else, someone gracefully offered her his arm. The Marquis. Well, she could not escape now. Not for the first, and probably not for the last time, she faked an affable smile, laced her arm with his and followed him and Josephine, hoping that soon, this dreadful evening would end.


Cullen stood in his office, leaning over the paperwork on his desk. The sun wasn't up yet and he was already at work after a short night's rest. Though yesterday's formal dinner was more than excruciating and it had taken him all his strength to endure it without letting show just how much pain he had, he had been unable to fall back asleep after waking up from his nightmare.

He had hoped, foolishly, that part of his suffering was coming from the anxiety he felt about Alexis' absence, and that now that she was back it would alleviate his symptoms if just a little. And when she came home, safe and sound, Cullen's heart had felt so light. For a moment there, he was fine and happy and when Cassandra had nearly ordered him to kiss Alexis he hadn't think twice about it. But from there, everything slowly fell apart until he was again plagued by headaches and feeling a deep hollow in his stomach. A void made by the lack of lyrium in his veins and that was taking all his will to deny himself the need to fill it.

Hours passed and Skyhold slowly awoke from its slumber. Guard rotation, Leliana's morning report, and it could have been just any other day if Cullen wasn't feeling like it was taking him twice the time to finish even the simplest task. He sighed deeply, and put down the duty roster he was supposed to have finished over an hour ago.

His office's door opened and Cullen's heart fluttered in his chest when Alexis entered. She had sleepy eyes and her braid was messier than usual, still, to him, there couldn't be a prettier sight than her.

"Morning."

"Good morning Inquisitor."

She raised an eyebrow, puzzled by how formal he just sounded.

"Really? I have been gone for endless weeks and we're back to titles even when alone in your office?" She ambled towards him, a small grin tugging at the corner of her lips.

"Sorry. It's just… I have been caught up with reports all morning and…"

"Hush…it's fine." She said, taking his hand in her own, slowly stroking his knuckles with her thumb. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

He squeezed her fingers in his own before taking his hand back when he felt the distinctive ache which preceded the muscle cramps.

"Cullen? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. I didn't get much sleep that's all."

"Are you sure? You didn't seem well at dinner yesterday either." She said, her eyes intent on him.

"These last days were rough, that's all. There is no need for you to worry." He dismissed while avoiding her gaze by looking back at the reports waiting on his desk.

"Well I do worry." Trevelyan said as she came to face him, standing between him and his desk. "I was away for months, you ran away after dinner yesterday, leaving no chance for us to spend even a short moment together, I come here, because apparently you barely left this room for the last weeks, we're alone and you're trying to avoid me."

"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. I just have to finish these reports and the duty roster for the next weeks."

Cullen wanted to reassure her, laid his hand on her in a comforting gesture but he could feel the spasms in his fingers. He was getting worse by the minute and the last thing he wanted right now was to suffer a crisis in full in front of her.

"I don't want you to make it up to me. I want to know what's going on" She sounded upset and her caring and gentle demeanor suddenly changed with Cullen's attempt at dismissing his problems in front of her. "Dammit Cullen! I am not blind, I can see there is something wrong, that you clearly did not get much sleep and, I also know it must be because you stopped taking lyrium months ago! So yes, I worry about you, even when I am away and I have no way of knowing if you are alright! And you know why? Because I fucking care about you."

She wasn't screaming, sure she was a bit vehement, but what truly came to light from her words were her pain and what seemed like regrets. Cullen wasn't sure what hit him harder, the beginning of yet another migraine, or the hurt in Trevelyan's eyes.

"I care about you too." He said tentatively trying to reach out to her.

"So why? Why do you hide? You've done it from the start. Every time you haven't felt well you hid it from me either by running away or by avoiding me altogether."

Cullen's mouth bobbed open, unable to form a response. Sure he had done so but he never thought she had noticed, his work had always covered efficiently for him.

"You thought what? That I wouldn't notice? Well I did. And you know what, I never said anything so until now because I wanted to give you your space, I did not want to intrude in a part of your life you weren't comfortable sharing. I thought that, given time, you would feel more at ease and you would come to me, rely on me when you're not feeling well. But the way you're so bluntly trying to deny there's something wrong, I just can't ignore it anymore!"

"I am sorry. I thought it was better if I dealt with it on my own. I wanted to protect you, you needn't to have my burden added to your own. You're already carrying so much weight on your shoulders."

"Protecting me? Or protecting you from sharing your pain and your weaknesses?"

Her response took him completely off guard. He had convinced himself so deeply it was better for everyone if he dealt with his lyrium addiction and all the suffering it entailed on his own, he hadn't considered he was doing it to protect himself. Protect him from sharing his pain, from feeling raw and exposed in front of her. Because it wasn't only the physical torment, it was the memories, Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall, everything he was trying to distance himself from by quitting lyrium, by no longer being a Templar. And it scared him to lay down all these things for Trevelyan to see, the failures and the nightmares. Would she still care for the broken man beneath the armor?

These thoughts brewing inside him, Cullen stood silent, perhaps for too long.

"If you don't want to talk, that's fine." She said on a bitter tone. "You know, I said things to you, right here, that I never said to anyone else, because I trust you and you make me feel safe with you. It was really hard but I let you in. I wish you trusted me enough to do the same." She sighed, taking a moment to fight back the tears in her eyes. "When you feel ready to share what's going on, you know where to find me. But I am not going to stand there and pretend everything is fine. I can't…"

Trevelyan looked up at him, waiting, hoping for a few more seconds that he would react. Cullen was stunned, deeply struggling to say something… anything. As he remained silent, she stepped back and walked away, heartsick, fighting really hard to keep a straight face when inside, she was crumbling.

"Alexis… wait."

Cullen called out to her but it was too late. Trevelyan closed the door behind her, leaving him alone, and feeling lonelier than he ever felt when she was away.


It was late in the afternoon when Trevelyan sneaked into the stables in order to hide in Snowflake's stall. Her back to the wall, she let herself slide to the ground. It was a miracle that she managed to make it through the day without totally losing it. Blessed was Josephine, for she had perfectly dealt with the Starkhaven emissary when all Alexis could think of was Cullen and the somewhat fight they had this morning. It was eating her up. She knew she did the right thing, she couldn't pretend he was fine, nor, given how damn stubborn the man was, could she force him to talk about it. It was up to him now. Yet, her own decision was making her heart ache in a way she never imagined possible.

As if sensing her trouble, Snowflake turned to her, giving her a gentle push of his head on her shoulder. A small yet sad smile played on her lips at the comforting gesture and she softly stroked the horse's velvety nose.

"He never intended to hurt you. He lived for so long with that pain, he doesn't know how to let it go."

Cole's soft voice steered her away from her thoughts. He was perched on the stall's door, his face half hidden underneath his big hat. It was strange how he often seemed to appear from thin air and yet, it never startled Trevelyan. As if she could sense he was here before she saw him, and feel he would never harm her.

"Hello Cole."

"Oh… Hello!"

"Trying to make me feel better about what happened with the commander?"

"Warm, gentle, good, he makes you feel safe. He makes you feel like you, not the inquisitor, not the shiny Herald. You're brighter when he is around, but not today."

"Things doesn't always go the right way." She said with a sigh.

"It could! He is hurting because he believes he let you down and you're hurting too because you're afraid he doesn't trust you, but you don't have to be afraid it's not you. It's the blue, burning bright and hot in his veins. When he wakes, sometimes it makes him feel like he is not awake and the nightmare stays with him. Maker will she still care about me if she sees me like that? He's no longer sure it can go away, he doesn't know what will remain of him. But the song, he doesn't hear it so loud when you're with him."

"Cole I know you're trying to help…"

"He doesn't like it when I tell him, I know that. But you could! It would help!"

"Alright. You lost me just there." Trevelyan said with a small frown, feeling deeply puzzled by the boy's rambling. She could make sense to most of his speech, yet there were often parts that eluded her completely.

"You have to tell him he's not lost. He never was. He just couldn't see the path for a while."

"I have to tell that… to Cullen. And he will understand?" She asked, even more confounded than before.

Cole ambled towards her, looking at her with his strange and otherworldly pale eyes.

"Yes! You have to tell him, before it's too late."

Something in the way he said the words 'too late' made her heart jump. As if the knowledge suddenly downed on her that something was wrong, something was really wrong and not in the way she had thought.

"Cole, did something happen since this morning?" Trevelyan asked, her voice wavering.

"He no longer knows if he can bear the pain."

It was all she needed to know. Acting on impulse, she hugged Cole, whispering a thank you in his ear before dashing out of the stall. She quickly made her way towards Cullen's tower, climbing the stairs two by two. Not bothering to knock, as often since they had become involved, she barged into his office only to find it nearly empty. As if waiting for her, one of Cullen's soldiers was there.

"Inquisitor, if you're looking for the commander, he's gone to speak with Seeker Pentaghast."

"Thanks… Jim. It's Jim right?" Trevelyan said, fairly certain she recognized the man underneath the helmet.

"Yes your worship." He answered, looking sheepishly back at her.

"Just in case, can you tell him I need to see him when he comes back?"

"Of course your worship." Jim said with a bow of his head.

And with that, she was out and walked the battlements to the upper courtyard and down near the tavern. At this time of day she could usually find Cassandra near the training dummies. Finding the spot empty, Trevelyan was ready to look elsewhere when she heard the distinct sounds of a heated conversation coming from the forge. She easily recognized both Cassandra and Cullen's voice and pushed open the door.