Heyo!

Special Valentine's Day update.

First things first...

While I'm normally pretty lax with the whole ratings (the collection as a whole is rated T), this particular chapter kind of falls into the rated M category. There's just a whole lot of strong language (more so than usual) and a whole lot of innuendo and I don't feel comfortable not warning you guys about. Really though, if actually played Borderlands before (as I assume most of you have) you should be fine with this.

Also, a quick note, go check out Claptrap's Secret Stash. The totally awesome collaboration I did with thewhitepatch, Civilized Lee and WhimsicalMayhem (go check out their awesome stories while you're at it). Also I'm not saying that there's going to be another collaboration down the road, but I'm certainly not saying there won't be either.

Anyway, on to the actual fic.

I don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

Secret Valentine

Maya groaned to herself as she walked towards Moxxi's Bar in Sanctuary.

She really, really didn't want to go in, but she didn't have much choice. You see, the Vault Hunters were having a sort of Valentines Day celebration of sorts and Maya was dreading it.

The whole thing had started a few days ago…

The Vault Hunters were spaced throughout the main room of the Crimson Raider's HQ. Everyone was pretty much minding their own business and doing their own thing when Gaige spoke up.

"Hey, did you guys know it's almost Valentines Day?" She asked the room as a whole.

"It's what now chicka?" Salvador asked.

"Valentine's Day. You know, spend the day with the love of your life and whatnot. It's all romantic and lovey dovey."

The gunzerker stared at Gaige for a moment.

"People have a day for that?" He asked.

"Yeah. Isn't there anything like that on Pandora?"

"I'll give you a hint. The answer is no."

"Well than maybe we should all celebrate it. You know, try to start something."

"Uh… Giage?" Axton said. "You realize that that's more of a couples thing right? And that no one here is a couple?"

"Well we could do something else. You know, get creative, just to be in the spirit of it. Like we could do a secret valentine thing or something."

"Secret valentine? What's that supposed to be?" Salvador asked. "A sex thing or something?"

"No!" Gaige exclaimed. "It's not a sex thing."

"Now that I think about it, it kinda sounds like it's an orgy. With like masks and shit." Axton said.

"IT'S NOT AN ORGY!" Gaige yelled.

The whole room fell into silence and everyone looked at Gaige.

"It's sort of like a secret santa." Gaige said meekly.

"So it's just a secret santa, but for a different holiday?" Maya asked.

"Yeah." Gaige said. "You put everyone's name in a hat, pick the names out and get a gift for whoever's name you pulled."

"I still think it's sounds like a sex thing…" Salvador mumbled.

"Shut up! It's not a sex thing."

"Well heck." Axton said. "I'm in."

"Me too." Lilith said joining the conversation.

Soon every Vault Hunter except Mordecai had agreed to take part. A few non-Vault Hunters joined via the Echo-Net as well. Namely, Moxxi, Mr. Torgue, Dr. Zed and Sir Hammerlock.

And so it had happened.

The Vault Hunters drew names and set a date and place for a party. Today was that day and Maya was dreading the whole damn thing. It wasn't that she couldn't find something for her valentine, the problem was if giving it to them was a good idea.

Maya would never admit it, but she sort of had a thing for Axton. And the universe, in all it's apparent hatred of the siren, had seemingly thought it would be funny if she drew his name. Because that's exactly what had happened.

At first she thought about playing it safe. Just getting him a gun or something they could laugh about, but then she decided to be serious about it. It was a decision she was beginning to regret.

If she gave her gift to Axton then he would know that she liked him, and so would all of the Vault Hunters and whoever else happened to be at the party. There was actually a pretty good chance that she'd get rejected right there in front of everyone. Unfortunately she didn't have much choice at this point. She had already made her decision and she was going to go through with it.

Who the hell was she kidding? There was no way in hell this was going to happen.

Maya turned around and started walking back to the HQ.

"Where ya goin' sugar?"

Maya silently cursed her luck and turned around. She saw Moxxi leaning against the doorway of her bar.

"I was just uh… I was just one my way to…"

"Damn it Maya think of something." She internally screamed.

"On your way to the party?" Moxxi asked.

"Yeah that." Maya replied.

"Wait… Shit!" She thought. "Great job fucking up your escape."

"Well then, what are you waiting for sugar? Come on in."

Maya sighed and walked inside the bar. Everyone else was already inside, sitting at various booths and tables. Maya quietly took a seat next to Sir Hammerlock and waited for them to get started.

"So who's going first?" Moxxi asked.

"Ah'll go." Dr. Zed said. "Better go before it spoils."

All of the Vault Hunters gave him a confused look.

"I got the shady lookin' feller. That'd be Zer0."

"I thought you weren't supposed to say who you got." Lilith said.

"We were all going to figger it out eventually." Gaige answered. "So it really doesn't matter."

Zed ignored them and handed the assassin a package. Zer0 opened it and his visor immediately showed a WTF. Zer0 put a hand into the package and pulled out a still beating heart.

There were a few gasps and Gaige's face turned a shade of green.

"How very pleasant/A most unusual gift/So… Unexpected."

"Well you weren't gettin' my heart so I figured I'd give ya someone elses."

"Thank you…" The assassin said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Who's going next?" Gaige asked, her face almost back to it's original color.

"I'll go." Zer0 said.

He through a large package to Brick.

"Aw, you shouldn't have slab."

"But I got your name/Did not have much of a choice/I hope you like it."

Brick tore open the package, inside was a punching bag, with Jack's face printed on it.

"Ha! The man I love to hate. Thanks slab."

Brick gave the bag a quick jab and laughed.

"Oh, and I guess we're going in some sort of order now so here's your present Lil."

Brick handed Lilith a square box about a foot long. She opened it up and pulled out the contents. It was shield. On the back the words "Love Thumper" were printed. Underneath that it said "If thumping you is wrong I don't want to be right".

"Brick," She said. "You realize that this is incredibly creepy? Especially coming from you?"

"Relax Lil. It was a joke. Beside's Tina's the one who suggested it."

"And now it's a little bit creepier… Anyway… Uh… Krieg?"

"Yes pretty fire lady?!"

Lilith stared at the psycho for a moment and then handed him a package.

"This is for you." She said.

He opened it up. Inside was a shield, the Flame of the Firehawk.

"My singing heart thanks your donation to the meat roast!"

"Uh… You're welcome?"

The psycho grabbed Lilith and hugged her.

"This is making me really uncomfortable."

"Sorry." He said letting her go.

"So uh.. Krieg? Who do you have?" She asked.

"Little angry dwarf man!"

Salvador sighed.

"That's probably me."

Krieg handed the gunzerker a crudely wrapped and frankly rather odd smelling package.

Salvador opened it prepared for the worst.

Inside was a buzz ax with a heart shaped blade.

"Love is murder!" Krieg screamed.

"I uh… Thanks big guy."

"Short dwarf man is welcome!"

Salvador eyed the psycho for a second.

"Anyway…" He said. "I got Dr. Zed. here you go buddy."

Salvador kicked a giant package towards the doctor.

He opened it up and a foul stench suddenly filled the room.

"Oh god…" Gaige couged. "What's in there?"

"It's a corpse." Zed said.

"A corpse?" Lilith asked.

"Yeah it's a corpse." He said. "Thanks dude. Ima have some fun with that later."

"What do you mean fun?" Lilith asked.

"What do you think I mean?" Zed said with a wink.

"Sugar, I've done just about everything, and everyone, at least once. But I draw the line at necrophilia."

Zed shrugged.

"You're missing out."

Lilith and Gaige both turned a shade of green and Axton made a gagging noise.

"So uh… Next person?" Hammerlock said. "Before we all vomit?"

"Sure, sure." Gaige said. "Let's keep moving."

"Well then allow me to go first. Mr. Torgue?"

"YES?"

"This is for you."

He tossed over a package. Torgue caught it and ripped it open.

"What is it?" He asked.

"It's an advance copy of my almanac."

"Sweet! Reading is badass!"

"But that's not all my fellow. There's also some bonus content in there. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

Mr. Torgue opened the book.

"What do you mean bonus cont-… HOLY SH*T! That's the most badass and most sexy picture of Moxxi ever!"

"Wait, what?" Moxxi said.

"It's you duel wielding shotguns, riding a giant bomb completely naked!"

Moxxi blinked.

"I'm going to say it again… What?"

"Take a look."

Mr. Torgue gave Moxxi the book, her eyes went wide and then she looked at Sir Hammerlock.

"I thought I lost these pictures years ago. How did you get a copy of them?"

"I have my sources who shall remain anonymous."

"Marcus?" Moxxi asked.

"Marcus." Hammerlock replied.

"I'm going to kill him later. But in the meantime, why don't you go next Torgue."

"OK!" He yelled. "Giage, aka badass chick with the robot."

"Yes?"

"I got you Orgasm!"

Everyone went silent and stared at Torgue.

"You got me what now?" Gaige asked.

"ORGASM!"

"I knew it was a sex thing." Salvador mumbled.

"It's not a sex thing!" Gaige yelled at him.

"Sure sounds like it…"

"Why don't we let Torgue explain. There is something to explain right?" Lilith said.

"Fine." Salvador said.

"I got you Orgasm!"

We got that part." Gaige muttered, her face turning a distinct shade of red.

"It's a new Torgue grenade mod! It blows up 33% more SH*T than other grenades. That's a scientific fact!"

"Oh… So it's a grenade?"

"YES!" Torgue yelled. "What did you think it was?"

"Nothing…" Gaige said. "Anyway it sounds awesome."

"You sound a little disappointed sugar."

"Shut up Moxxi." Gaige said, her face turning redder.

"Fine. But it's your turn sugar."

"Right… Hammerlock?"

"Yes?"

"I got you this."

She tossed a package to the hunter. He opened it up and pulled out a robotic arm.

"What exactly is this?"

"It's a new arm."

"Why do I need a new arm?"

"Look…" She said with a sigh. "After that whole Orgasm thing I'm just going to be blunt about this… The arm has a vibrate setting."

"Good lord!" He exclaimed. "Does it really?"

"Yeah… I remember you commenting about not being able to 'amuse' yourself because of your robotic arm so… Yeah… It's sort of a gag gift but if you happen to use it… You know what? I'm going to stop there."

Hammerlock nodded.

"I just have one question. How exactly did you know how to make a vibrating arm?"

Gaige's face turned red again.

"I uh… Don't, don't worry about that. I just know."

Axton gave her a questioning look.

"Oh really now?" He said.

"Yes really!" She said defensively. "Why don't you go now?"

"Fine, I'll go."

Axton stood up and walked toward Moxxi.

"For the pretty lady." He said.

"Thanks sugar."

Moxxi opened the package. Inside was a Hyperion shotgun.

"Thanks sugar."

"Shoot it."

"Pardon?"

"Shoot it at something."

"Alright, if you say so…"

Moxxi pointed it at the wall and fired. The bullets impacted the wall and made a flaming mark in the shape of a heart.

"Oh… Thanks a whole lot sugar. This'll fit in perfectly with my collection. It just needs a name…"

"I always called it Heart Burn."

"Like I said, it needs a name. Miss Moxxi's Heart Burn doesn't exactly sound sexy."

"Point taken."

"What about Burning Love?" Gaige suggested.

Moxxi shrugged.

"I'll think of something later. In the meantime… Maya, this is for you sugar."

She handed Maya a black box with a red heart shaped bow on top of it. Maya opened it and inside was a Maliwan SMG.

"Wow, thanks Moxxi."

"You're welcome sugar. You know that's my favorite gun."

"Why's that?"

"Pick it up and you'll find out."

"Ok…" She said hesitantly as she picked up the gun.

"So what exactly?-" Maya's eyes went wide, she quickly put the gun down and facepalmed.

"What's the matter?" Hammerlock asked.

"It vibrates…" Maya said.

"And now you know why it's my favorite."

"That's not ok Moxxi…" She muttered.

"So is that everyone?" Gaige asked.

"I didn't get anything." Axton said. "Who exactly was my valentine?"

"It's me." Maya said.

"Cool… And what exactly did you get me?"

"Me."

Axton gave her a confused look.

"I asked what, not who." He said.

"Well… I'm sort of the giver and the gift."

Maya picked up the bow off the top of the box from Moxxi and put it on her suit. She stood up, walked over to Axton, sat down next to him and gave him a kiss.

"I'm all yours."

"Well…" He said. "This is unexpected."

"I knew it was a sex thing…"

"For the last fucking time Sal… It is not a sex thing!" Gaige screamed.

"I would disagree." Hammerlock said. "This whole day has been nothing but innuendo and double entendre."

"But it wasn't supposed to be. This was supposed to be fun and sweet and we all turned it into one long dirty joke."

"I thought that was the point."

"I thought so too."

"I assumed it was."

There was a chorus of "I thought so too" from every Vault Hunter except Gaige.

"You know what? You guys ruin everything…" She said leaving the bar.

Author's Note: Do I even need to say it? Fine. I'll say it… And then they fucked.

Gaige: Fuck you. ...Wait, that came out wrong.

Author: Did it really?