Chapter 43: I Don't Know
As soon as she shut the front door behind her, she could tell. Something was wrong.
Not that she hadn't suspected it; Christina Yang had had a bad feeling all day.
It wasn't pregnancy hormones; it wasn't the superstitious crap lots of surgeons believed in. It was a knot-in-the-stomach, uneasy sensation in her gutter, telling her that something was not right.
That it was about Meredith, Christina was fairly certain. If the fact that Meredith had made George cover for her and gone home early wasn't enough of a clue, one look at Derek Shepherd's face did the trick.
As Christina had done rounds with him in the early morning, he had seemed far away from his usual self; he wasn't unpleasant and his perfect bedside manner was intact. But the brightness, the innocence, the ability to hope that Christina, no matter how much she hated to admit it and would die before telling anyone, envied just a little bit – it was all gone.
But, of course, there was nothing surprising about that. That was to be expected with the divorce that had not exactly been out of the blue; the famous Seattle Grace gossip nurses had been unavoidably loud today, claiming they had known it all along, even if they had no clue about the cheating wife or the cheating best friend or the entire Meredith angle in that story.
No, it was only later that day, after Meredith had gone home, that Derek Shepherd had become straightforwardly unbearable to be around.
Nothing had been good enough for the legendary Dr. Shepherd this afternoon, Christina thought, inwardly laughing bitterly. Today had been a day of a very insulted patient, no less than four crying interns and an awfully pissed off Richard Webber.
And, being Meredith's best friend and person, Christina thoughtfully pondered, Derek had seemingly been lashing out on her all afternoon - she had probably been more exposed to Shepherd's dark side than any other person in the entire hospital.
Except maybe Meredith herself?
Christina shut the door behind her and listened to the quiet; that was a warning in itself.
Making her way into the kitchen, Christina stopped when she saw Alex Karev sitting at the dinner table, munching on some leftover pizza and reading a newspaper. He looked up at her when she cleared her throat.
"Hey," he neutrally muttered and refocused on the newspaper, evidently on the sports section.
"Hey," Christina carefully replied, measuring the air. "What's going on?"
Alex rolled his eyes without looking up.
"Hell if I know."
"What do you mean?"
"She won't say anything."
There was no need to say who 'she' was. Meredith was special in that way.
"Well where is she?" Christina asked, knowing that she would get more out of Alex by being as patient as she possibly could.
"Upstairs," Alex just told her in between bites of pizza, "They're all upstairs."
Christina went for the stairs. Not unexpected, she found herself looking at the asses of Lexie and George, who were both kneeling in front of the door to the master bedroom, trying to look underneath it.
"Meredith," George tried, evidently in his tired voice, not for the first time. "Will you come out? Unlock the door?"
There was no answer.
"Mer," Lexie now attempted, her voice softer and with the same concern that filled George's. "Talk to us. Please."
When there was still no reply, both George and Lexie sighed and leaned back against the wall in simultaneous exasperation. Christina cleared her throat.
"Meredith!" she yelled, making the other two jump at the sight and sound of her. "You have three options. Either you get your skinny ass out here or you let me in there with you or I'm going to kick the door in. It's your choice."
"Christina!" Lexie whispered, insulted on Meredith's behalf.
"What?"
Lexie just shook her head in repulsion.
Still, no sounds were coming from the bedroom.
"I'm serious," Christina shouted. "Considering my condition, you shouldn't make me kick a door in!"
No response, nothing; other than her peers, who were staring at her, probably wondering what she meant by 'her condition.' She ignored them.
"I'm counting down now. 3… 2…"
The door unlocked and opened the tiniest bit.
"Mer," George and Lexie said in unison, but Meredith cut them off in a hoarse voice.
"Christina," she peeped through the door. "I only want Christina."
Ignoring the hurt looks on her colleague's faces, Christina swiftly passed them and let herself into the master bedroom, relocking the door behind her.
"You weren't going to kick the door in," Meredith's voice behind her said.
"I so was," she replied.
"Whatever," Meredith replied, trying her best to sound like her usual self; failing so miserably that even someone who did not know her like her person did would see straight through her.
Christina turned around to look at Meredith and stifled a sigh.
I warned her, she tried to tell herself, as she took in the sight of the messy room. I told her it would be pre med all over again…
And it really was a flashback, seeing Meredith Grey like this, holey Dartmouth t-shirt, unwashed, greasy hair, swollen, empty far-away eyes and the bed sheet firmly folded over her rapidly heaving chest.
Christina folded her arms over her chest, falling right back into her old self.
"You look like crap," she stated.
Meredith smiled palely; these words used to be her person's favourite opening line. Hearing them again actually felt like seeing an old friend.
"YOU look like crap," she ritually replied.
"Impossible. And even if so, morning sickness does that to you," Christina sighed and sat down beside her best friend on the bed.
"I thought you weren't having the baby?"
"I'm not. I'm scheduled in two weeks." Christina made a not-so-subtle change of subject. "What did he do now?"
"What do you mean?" Meredith innocently asked, procrastinating the inevitable.
"Come on Mer," Christina just snorted, her patience running short; at the same time, she knew that Meredith was more likely to spill if she got to do it her own way. "Seriously, what did he do?"
"Who, Derek?" Christina just looked at her, making Meredith continue after a slight struggle to get the name out. "Nothing."
"It doesn't look like nothing," Christina pointedly let her eyes glance over Meredith's messy attire.
The latter rolled her eyes.
"I mean it. He didn't do anything."
"Okay," Christina fished, slowly finding the words. "Then what did you do?"
"What makes you think I did anything?"
"Seriously Meredith. Don't insult my intelligence."
"I'm not. I'm fine." The moment the words were out, Meredith realized that it was the worst thing she could have said. Christina immediately raised her eyebrows in triumph, knowing she had won.
"Don't insult my ability to see either," she snorted, staring at Meredith. "Look at you."
"Gee thanks!" Meredith simply answered, fidgeting with her shirtsleeve, stained and faded.
"Meredith-Grey." Christina's patience was running low and her person could tell. "What-did-you-do?"
"I…" Meredith hesitated and looked up at Christina's sceptically raised eyebrows. "ImighthavetoldhimthatIlovehim…"
Christina froze and closed her eyes for a long second. When she opened them, Meredith hadn't moved an inch.
Christina abruptly stood up and left the room, swiftly walking downstairs to where the house's other three residents were drinking coffee.
"You three," she said, making all three of them look up at her. "Get out."
"Excuse me?"
"Get out," she simply repeated.
"You can't throw us out," George, taken aback, protested. "We live here."
"Boo-fucking-hoo," Christina answered in a sing-song voice, her thoughts entirely elsewhere.
"Christina!" Lexie scolded.
"I'm not even involved in this," Alex added.
"Look, I don't have time for this. Just get out, all three of you."
"But-"
"Now!"
For a long second, no sound was to be heard. Christina looked at them, channelling her inner Bailey as she did so. It apparently worked.
First George silently got up and moved out of the kitchen. A few seconds later, the front door smacked.
Lexie was staring Christina dead in the eye, not seeming to have moved a single inch. The latter sighed and considered an attack from a different angle.
"Lexie," Christina said in a slightly warmer voice. "For Meredith. Get out of here."
Like that, she thought to herself, slightly proud after deciding against adding a 'please'. She was already balancing on the edge of begging.
And Meredith's sister, who looked so much like her, finally seemed to soften a little bit; she hesitantly stood up and was gone.
Christina smirked and turned to Alex; he was staring back at her, unimpressed.
"I'm not moving," he simply told her.
Christina put on a smile.
"Okay."
"Okay?" Alex asked, slightly taken aback.
"Okay."
"I can stay where I am?"
"Yes," Christina smiled even bigger. "Let me just tell you what's going to happen. Mer's going to come down here. We'll eat the rest of Lexie's strawberry ice cream and she'll cry some more and talk about her feelings for hours while I listen patiently. You can help wipe off her snot."
Alex just looked evenly at her for a long moment; then he got up from his chair, took a beer from the fridge and abandoned the house, too.
"Yeah, didn't think so" Christina smiled peacefully, taking a big bite of the pizza Alex had left behind. "You're getting easy, Karev…"
"That was quite a show," a voice from the stairs commented.
Christina looked around and up at Meredith who had a sheet tangled around her body.
"I try," Christina smirked. She watched as her best friend sat down beside her, ripping off a piece of pizza with her frail hands, stuffing it into her mouth.
"Soo…"
"So?" Meredith asked at Christina's pointed tone.
"You told Derek you love him."
"Yup."
"Do you think he got it?"
"What do you mean?" Meredith asked.
"That you don't just love him, like friend-love, that you're IN love with him?"
"Shit," Meredith groaned, letting her head fall to the table. "I didn't even think of that."
"Well how did he react?"
There was a long, hesitant pause; Christina was beginning to wonder if she would get an answer when it came.
"He… He left."
The tone was even, almost normal even. Only the slight shake and darkness of Meredith's voice gave her away.
Christina looked at her person, really looked and saw the pain there.
"What can I do for you?" she asked in a glum, quiet voice.
"Christina," Meredith said, pleading, almost desperate. "I'm gonna go crazy. Tell me what to do."
"I…" Christina hesitated for the longest time, wishing she could make it all better.
"I don't know."
6
