Song – Lead Me by Sanctus Real

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Chapter 44 - FIGHT

I ran off into the trees, pushing my legs as fast I could without looking back. I knew that if I stopped for a second, hearing them calling me back would make me turn around, but I just couldn't. I needed more time to think and I knew that I couldn't be with Bella at the same time.

I saw how happy Bella could be with Edward, up close and personal when she lost her memory. Even though she wasn't the same now, I knew that he would make her happy. She would be well taken care of until I could get myself together and figure out what I should do.

I paused for a moment, took my shorts off, and exploded into my wolf. There weren't any other wolves phased so I was able to have time to myself. Even though I was extremely tired because I had only slept a few hours in the past two days, my wolf was loving the chance to run. I ran through the trees, leaping over fallen logs, feeling the soft moist dirt as it was flung behind me. I ran straight North to a place far from the beach, where a branch of the ocean created a stream that flowed into a large pond. Once there I jumped directly into the water, phasing underwater in order to be able to swim easier. The water felt great and was really relaxing. The sun was bright and I could feel it on my skin as I swam from one side of the pond to the other.

After more laps than I could count, I allowed myself to float around on my back. My mind was torn between wanting to try and figure out what I was going to do and begging me to let myself sleep. In all honesty, I decided that I needed to take my time and allow myself time to think clearly. I got out of the water and phased back, running home. When I got to the trees outside my house I could hear the soft snores of two sleeping people and one person moving around in the kitchen.

I phased back and pulled my shorts on, they were damp but would dry quickly, and went inside. Rachel was sitting at the small kitchen table with a cup of coffee in her hand and I saw Paul sprawled across the couch. I almost wanted to laugh because it looked like he was going to fall off at any moment, one leg was already dragging on the floor.
Rachel must have followed my line of sight. "Yeah, I keep waiting for him to fall off too, and somehow he is still holding on for dear life."
I smiled at her. "Yeah, he is talented like that." I didn't normally drink coffee, but if I was going to carry on any type of conversation with Rachel I was going to need it. I added enough milk and sugar so that it tasted almost nothing like coffee and sat down at the table.

"So, you're a werewolf." She said hesitantly.
"Yes. I'm sorry that I had to be vague with you about how I knew Sam, but I couldn't tell you. We didn't know how long you would be staying, and it was just better for you not to know."
"I understand."
"So what has Paul told you." I guessed, it was him who told her.
"I think pretty much everything. It was really late last night so I'm not sure that I understood everything." Rachel paused and took a drink from her mug. "I'm sure that we have a lot more to talk about and work through."
"That makes sense, it gets very complicated."
"Have you imprinted?" Rachel asked.
"No."

We were both quiet as I drank the coffee in three large swallows. All it did was remind me that my stomach was empty, therefore I got myself a large bowl, filled it with cereal and poured milk into it before sitting back at the table.
"Rachel, what was it like for you when Paul imprinted?"
"I had no idea what had happened, but it was while you all were dancing and Paul looked right at me. When he tripped, I thought my heart was going to leap right out of my chest."
"So, do you feel connected to him?"
"Yes and no. It is weird, my brain knows that I don't even know Paul, but there is also this part of me that feels like I have always known him. What is Paul like?"

"Umm, uh . . ." I didn't know how to answer her.
"That bad, huh." Rachel laughed.
"Well, let me put it this way. If Paul hadn't imprinted and you were just asking, I would have told you to run for your life. And I would kill him for even thinking of messing with you."
"Thanks for the support, bro." Paul mumbled from the couch.
"You would say the same thing to your sister, if you had one." I defended.
"It's different now. I would never hurt her." Paul promised.

"Sure, sure," I groaned. "What if he didn't want his imprint?"
"Shut up, Jacob." I heard Paul from the couch.
"Jeez, Jake, thanks for the confidence." Rachel scowled.
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not saying that he doesn't, but would that hurt you?" I asked Rachel.
"I don't know, I really don't."
"Yeah, alright." I just didn't know what it was like for the girl when we imprinted on them.
"Why so many questions?" Rachel asked.
"I'm just trying to figure some things out with Bella. If I were to imprint what it would do to her, and now I'm wondering what it would do to this mystery girl if I tried to fight it to stay with Bella."

"Don't do it." Paul added, as he got up from the couch and walked towards the table.
"Fighting it is my only option." I countered.
"Well then your option sucks." Paul said bluntly.
"Tell me about it." I mumbled as I got up from the table, washed my empty bowl and put it away. I leaned back against the counter and I could feel every part of my body was heavy with exhaustion.
"Have you slept at all, Jakey?" Rachel asked.
"Not really." I shook my head. "Wake me if you all need anything. Other than that, everyone is off." I told Paul, as I wondered to my room.

I was asleep so fast that I didn't even have time to notice Bella's scent surround me as I laid across my bed with her pillow held tightly.

I saw myself standing in a church, with cedar beams across the ceiling and white walls. There were several windows with stain glass that added color and beauty to the room. My family and friends were all around me and behind me were several candles and dozens of red roses decorating the front stage. The back doors opened and I could feel myself smiling as I locked eyes with the girl in front of me. She was beautiful with her pale skin against her long, elaborate wedding dress. Her chestnut hair flowed down her back in soft curls and her chocolate brown eyes sparkled.

I took her hands and I could see how much she loved me and I knew that I loved her even more. Completely filled with joy and peace my eyes scanned across the audience, stopping at the back of the room where Bella was looking at me with silent tears streaming down her face. I was confused, who was I marrying? I looked back and forth between her and this mysterious girl standing next to me. Why wasn't she Bella?

I looked back at Bella as she began walking forward.
"Fight for me," Bella said.
"Bella?" I questioned.
"You promised me, that you would never hurt me like HE did."
"I'm sorry." I told her.
"Don't be sorry, Jake. Fight, fight for me."
"I don't know how?"

"Lead me with strong hands, stand up when I can't." Bella spoke calmly, as she continued to walk towards me. "Don't leave me hungry for love, chasing dreams. What about us? Show me you're willing to fight, that I'm still the love of your life."
Bella placed her hand on my arm, and I wanted to touch her, but my hands were still holding on to this random stranger who had captured me and wouldn't let go. I tried to drop her hands, but she held on tighter.
"You're MINE!" She hissed.

I awoke with a startle, but I shouldn't have because it was the same dream that I had night after night. It was getting to the point that I hated going to my bedroom because it was a constant reminder of Bella, and I wasn't any closer to making a decision on what I should do. It didn't help that Edward kept calling over and over saying that he had something really important to tell me, but I didn't want to hear it. I carried on with my pack responsibilities and no one mentioned Bella to me even though I could see in their eyes that they wanted to, especially Embry. He and I were the only wolves in a relationship, if you could call myself and Bella a relationship, with someone that wasn't our imprint.

But I couldn't talk to Embry, or really anyone. The only exception to that was Emily, but I couldn't say that I actually talked to her. She wanted to stay in bed most of the time unless someone encouraged her to get clean clothes on and eat a full meal, despite not being hungry. I would hold her while she cried and made sure that she continued to take care of herself. Being over at Emily's helped me to avoid Charlie as well, he called my house all the time and poor Dad was covering for me as best as he could. Charlie was told that Bella was in a car accident, she had dropped off Alice and was taking the car across town when someone ran a stop sign and slammed into Bella. It knocked her car completely off the road, but didn't stop. Charlie insisted on filing a report for a hit and run, but Bella told him she didn't see who hit her or anything that would be helpful. I never heard the specifics of which Cullen car had to be destroyed to fabricate that story, but I didn't really care.

I was usually in a terrible mood because I wasn't sleeping well and Emily wasn't sleeping either because she didn't like being alone.
"Jacob, you should go home. I'll be fine." Emily smiled, trying to convince me.
"Sure, sure." I mumbled. We were sitting next to each other on her couch pretending to watch something on TV, but neither of us cared what was on. Emily stood up to go to her room and I was trying to muster up the energy to go home and deal with more dreams of me with some girl that I didn't know, and breaking Bella's heart.
"Or, you can stay there. It doesn't matter to me." Emily patted my shoulder before going to her room and closing the door behind her.

I took a deep breath and stretched out across the couch. I was tired of trying to make decisions, thinking about Bella and imprinting was really difficult. But mostly I was just plain tired. I watched the TV until my eyes closed and I fell asleep. It was the best sleep I have had in a long time. I didn't hear anything all night and I was completely dream free. Therefore, the couch became a great resting place and each morning I woke up a little sore from sleeping awkwardly, but I could smell the breakfast that Emily was making.
"Hey," I greeted Emily.
"Good morning," she answered. "I can't imagine that couch being that comfortable for you."
"It's not, but at least I can sleep." I had told Emily about my repeated dream after she became really curious about why I wasn't just going home.

I stretched and went to the bathroom before joining Emily at the table for breakfast.
"Any plans today?" She asked.
"Seth is suppose to go to Carlisle today for an evaluation and if passes then he will phase for the first time. His poor wolf is ready to pop, it would really suck if he took a bite out of Carlisle."
"Why don't you go with him." Emily suggested.
"I can't."
"Because of Bella." Emily said softly.
"Yes, she is still there."

"Leah said that she could leave the Cullens, if she had someone to help take care of her." Emily added.
"I know."
"You are being stupid, Jacob." Emily said bluntly.
"Do you think Leah would agree with you?" I challenged back, knowing that we had both just tap danced on very sensitive issues.
"Yes," Emily answered softly. "I know how badly Leah has been hurt because of imprinting, however I think she would say that love is worth the risk, but you should ask her."
"I don't know about that. Leah has calmed down a lot and I would call us friends, but I don't know if she would be that honest. There are some things we just don't talk about, and her feelings are one of them."
Emily nodded her head. "Yeah, I get that, but you will never know unless you ask."

We settled into a comfortable silence and later Seth showed up. He has fully recovered from his injuries and we walked out together to phase. I wanted to make sure that I phased with him to make sure that nothing happened in the shifting process. It was a complete success and Seth and I ran together through the trees and I could tell that we both enjoyed the exercise. For the most part we kept our thoughts to ourselves, but I couldn't help but notice Bella in his. He saw her today and she was so beautiful despite being still slightly bruised. Her arm was in a sling to allow her collarbone to heal, and her foot was in cast with one crutch under her other arm. Seth gave her a big, but gentle, hug and sat down with her on the front steps of the house. They chatted while Carlisle checked over Seth.

She really misses you. Seth said, when he noticed me watching his thoughts.
I miss her too. Did Edward explain why I'm not there? I asked.
I guess he did, when I got there today Bella already knew that you were freaked out about imprinting. Leah has also visited her, telling her more about Paul and Quil.
How is she handling it? I asked.
Okay,I guess. She believes that you will come back to her. And you will, right?
I don't know. I sighed, helplessly

We were quiet the rest of our run, and I stayed with him until he phased back. Afterwards, Seth seemed a little uncomfortable, but that might have been because he went several days without phasing and his muscles were sore. So I told him that I would visit with him tomorrow to make sure that he was still doing okay. I could tell that he was tired of being treated like a baby, but he was just going to have to deal with it for a little bit longer.

After leaving Seth, I decided to go for a walk. Seeing Bella today, even through Seth's mind, made me want to run to her and wrap her in my arms and never leave again. However it also made me see that she was doing alright without me. That is what I wanted most for her, and for her not to worry that the person she was with would one day leave her.

I went back to Emily's and as I walked in the door I could smell BBQ. Emily was sitting in her chair, reading a book. When a timer went off, she started to get up.
"Wait, do you want me to get whatever is ready?" I asked standing behind her. She looked really tired and I knew that she was often out of energy by the end of the day.
"Sure, there are several potatoes and a brisket."
I turned the oven off, got pot holders from the kitchen and got everything out of the oven. "Is this stuff for tonight or later?" The way that Emily was always cooking I never knew what it was for.
"Tonight." Emily sighed.
"Then just stay there and I'll bring you a plate."
I sliced the meat and prepared the potatoes, asking Emily how she liked hers and then brought her plate. I sat on the couch while I ate my own food, as always it was delicious. After we were full, we both did dishes and then settled back down on the couch.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was dark and I could hear Emily scream. I bolted from the couch looking around the room before I went to her door and opened it.
"Emily?" I called cautiously.
"Sam?"
"Um . . . uh, no." Even though it was dark I could see she was on her side with her face buried in a pillow, muffling her sobs. Had she been crying like this every night and I just didn't know it? I felt terrible as I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her.
"It was so real, like he was here." She whispered to me.
"I'm so sorry." I knew what it was like for dreams to be all too real. For myself it was the dream that was horrible, for Emily it was waking up.

"Will you stay?" Emily asked, between sniffles.
"Yeah." I wanted to help her go back to sleep and maybe she could at least have Sam then. I laid down next to her and held her tightly. For a while she cried into my chest as I rubbed her back, and slowly I could feel her relax into my side. I wished that there was something more that I could do, but I knew that her grieving was just going to take time. It only took me a few more minutes to fall asleep as well.

I was on the beach with Bella and two young girls with long dark hair and beautiful tan skin and an older boy who looked exactly like myself at that age. The girls were collecting small seashells and the boy was waist deep in the water jumping through the small waves that lapped at his body. I was sitting next to Bella and she was filling me in on what the children were doing each day.

Then the same woman from the other dream came walking towards me and I stood up to walk to her. My children came running towards me, one of my girls took each of my hands as my son spoke.
"Fight for us."
I knelt down putting my arms around both girls. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Dad," they said together. "Fight, fight for us."
I looked down into their innocent eyes, they were just children they shouldn't have to deal with their father leaving them for someone else.

Bella came towards us and the children made room for her to stand before me. My daughters dropped my arms, placing my hands on Bella's waist. I was still on my knees in the sand and Bella placed her hands on my shoulders.
"Fight for me," she whispered.
"I can't." I whispered back and my youngest daughter disappeared.
"What about us? Show me you're willing to fight, that I'm still the love of your life."
"How?" I begged.
"Don't leave me, chasing a dream."
"I can't." I whispered again, and my other daughter and son disappeared.

I felt my knees get weak and I wanted to crumble into the sand, but Bella stepped closer holding me up with her body. My arms held tightly to her pressing her into me. "I don't ever want to let you go."
"Then don't." Bella said, as she pressed her lips to mine. I kissed her back like I wasn't sure if I would ever kiss her again. My hands were pressed into her back and I could feel her hands sink into my hair pulling us even closer together as our lips melted together. Bella's hands roamed over my chest until she got to the end of my shirt and our mouth only broke a moment while my shirt came over my head.

My hands were everywhere like they were trying to make up for lost time as I went from one curve to the next, up and down her body.
"Jacob, please," she whispered.
I laid back on the sand, pulling her on top of me as we both began frantically removing what was left of our clothes. Our bodies rubbed together as she kissed down my neck, licking and sucking as she went. My hands trailed up her slim waist, as I lifted her onto myself, slipping inside. Bella released a deep groan as she rocked against me and my hands palmed her round breasts. Our mouthes found each other again and our tongues tangled together, I felt like it would last forever as we rocked against each other until Bella shuttered above me and I released.

Bella collapsed completely breathless against my chest and I kissed across her forehead, cheek, nose, landing on her lips. My arms wrapped around her knowing that I wouldn't be able to let her go again. Then I felt a different hand on my shoulder, keeping my hands on Bella I looked at this other person. She didn't look angry or hurt, but rather confused. I felt like I should apologize, but I wasn't sorry for being with Bella.
"I'm staying with Bella." I told her.
"Then I will leave." She replied.
"Wait! Is it that simple?" I asked.

"Yes. By picking Bella, I simply do not exist."
"Are you saying that I could have always been with Bella?" I asked.
"Life is about choices, Jacob. Choose wisely."
"I choose Bella. I'll fight if I have to." With that the other women disappeared, and I looked back at Bella laying across me. I gave Bella a huge kiss, hugging her tightly to me.
Suddenly Bella sat up and morphed into the injured Bella that I saw in Seth's mind with her arm in a sling and I could see tape over her ribs. "Now come to me, Jacob."

I woke up suddenly and felt like I could hardly breathe. My chest was heaving and everything had felt so real. I could see the early morning light coming through the window. For a moment I couldn't remember where I was or why I had blankets, until I felt someone move next to me. I looked down at my naked chest, and continued to examine myself as I followed my sheet covered arm that was around her waist. I could feel my fingers on her skin as I looked up her body until I saw two eyes staring back at me. If I thought I couldn't breathe before, that was nothing compared to now.
"Why are you looking at me like you don't know me?" Emily asked.
My heart was ramming in my chest as I just continued to stare at her completely speechless. What have I done? I know I was having a dream, but I was so hoping that I didn't actually do anything.
"Why am I here?" I asked, sitting up suddenly, with my back to her. "Did . . . did we . . ."
"Sleep together." Emily offered.

I couldn't look at her as it felt like eternity passed before I nodded my head. It didn't have anything to do with Emily, she was a great person and I cared about her a lot. But I knew that anything between her and I would have been a mistake. I felt my stomach roll and I thought I was going to be sick.
"No, of course we didn't." Emily confirmed and I was finally able to look at her. She was dressed in a tank top and cotton shorts.
While I was greatly relieved, I still was not quite convinced that it had only been sleeping. "We didn't kiss or anything?"

"No, why would you think that?"
"I had a dream."
"Of me?" Emily questioned.
"No, about Bella."
"I'm sorry." Emily sat up, patting me on the shoulder. "I have been awake for a little bit. I know that I should have gotten up, but I enjoyed your warmth and you were completely out of it. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable by asking you to stay."
"That's fine." I took a deep breath finally able to breathe. As I calmed down, I could remember Emily having a bad dream and laying down with her. At first the blankets were at my feet, later Emily covered herself and me with them. It made me hot, so I took my shirt off.

"Are you alright?" Emily asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry I freaked out on you, but I need to go." We both got out of bed, Emily went to the bathroom while I grabbed my shirt from the floor, and put it on. My shoes were by the door and I grabbed them as well, slipping them on while standing on the front porch. I wasn't staying at Emily's just to avoid my bad dreams and Charlie, I was avoiding my dad as well. I knew that I needed to face him and to tell him about my dreams and see what he had to say.

I ran home and walked in the door to find Dad sitting at the table, drinking his coffee. It didn't take long for me to look around and know that no one else was here.
"Dad, why are you alone?"
"I'm a big boy I can take care of myself."
"Sure, sure." I rolled my eyes, as I went to the refrigerator for juice and brought out the loaf of bread for toast. Dad watched me without saying anything as I got some butter and jelly for the toast, and some ham, setting them on the table. While I toasted bread I told him about the dreams that I have had, and skipped over the part that I was with Emily for the second dream. He listened carefully without interrupting me.

"So what do I do?" I asked as I sat down at the table.
"I think you should listen to your dreams."
"But my dreams seem to indicate that I will imprint."
"Yes, but they are also telling you to fight for Bella and not your imprint. Even in your dreams you still desire Bella."
"So you think I should be with Bella, even if I imprint?"
"Yes."

We were both quiet for a moment while I thought about what he said, and ate my toast. I got up and refilled my cup with juice and my dad's mug with coffee.
"Jacob, I think you are living in fear and it has consumed you. Do you remember me telling you that it is okay to be scared, but you can't let it over take you?"
"Yeah. How do I get past it?"
"Be stronger than fear. Take charge of it instead of allowing it to control you. You are not alone, Jacob."
"I feel alone. I wish I had your strength."
"You do have it. Now go, do what you need to do."

I got up from the table for the first time feeling confident that I could make a decision and stick with it. There was one more person that I wanted to talk to, therefore the moment I was outside, I started running. I made it to the Clearwaters in record time and knocked on their front door.
Leah opened the door. "Seth is perfectly fine, you can go," she said, before slamming the door in my face.
"Leah, open the door. I need to talk to you." I said while pounding on the door. To my surprise it was Seth who opened the door.

"What is wrong with her?" I asked Seth when she stormed off up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door.
"She is mad at you." Seth answered.
"Ya think?" I rolled my eyes, which Seth scowled at. "Jeez, what did I do now?"
"She is mad about you leaving Bella, and just all this crap. Honestly, Jake, we are all a little bit pissed at you. Being with Bella should be worth the risk of something that might not ever happen." Seth said angrily.
"Well, that is why I am here. I need to talk to Leah."
"She's upstairs, enter at your own risk." He said before wondering off towards the kitchen.
"Thanks, buddy," I mumbled to an empty room.

I walked upstairs to her room and knocked on the door, there was no response, but I faintly could hear music so I cautiously opened the door. Leah's room was pretty normal with cream walls, dark oak desk, dresser, and headboard that matched. Her black and red comforter was stretched across her bed so that it was made, but messy with several decorative pillows on the floor.

Leah was laying across her bed on her stomach and I could see her headphones over her ears. Her ankles were crossed with the top foot bouncing to the beat of whatever she was listening to. Knowing that she was already pissed at me I didn't want to scare her, so I kicked the foot post of her bed.
"Go away." Leah said, without looking away from the magazine she was flipping through.
"Leah, please, I need to talk to you."
Leah turned and glared at me. "Then talk," she said as she went back to completely ignoring me.
"You're not making this very easy." I grumbled as I sat down on the floor, and put one of her pillows between my back and her dresser.

We were both quiet, but instead of being comfortable it was awkward and strained. Leah continued to ignore me and I tried to pretend it was completely normal for me to be here, but completely failed. There was nothing normal about this at all.
"Never mind, I'm leaving." I had decided that this was even more stupid, to think that I would get any helpful advice from Leah.
"Jake, wait. What's wrong? Besides the obvious and you just being stupid."
"I don't want to talk about it." I stood and was getting ready to walk out her door.
"What? Going back to Emily?"

Her suggestion stopped me from moving. "What does that mean?"
"You are practically living with her."
"It is not like that." I said, shaking my head.
"I didn't mean that it was, and if it were that is none of my business. But you shouldn't be doing this to Bella." Leah rolled over so that she was sitting with her legs crossed under herself.
I came and sat next to her. "I know, I feel like I get close to making a decision to come back to her, but then I would have another dream. That is why I am at Emily's, I'm able to sleep. I hate the idea of hurting Bella."
"You are already hurting her."
"This is not the same, and you know it."

"You are right. It is even worse."
"Worse?" I couldn't imagine anything worse than what Leah had gone through.
Leah nodded her head. "Yes, the only thing that would have made what Sam did worse would be for him to push me away if he didn't have to. Sam did not have a choice, and you do. You are choosing wrong."
"And if I imprint?"
"Bella is fully aware of what she is getting herself into to be with you. Don't you think you should be talking to her about this?

I took a deep breath knowing that she was right. "I don't need to talk to Bella, I know what she would do."
"You are acting like him."
"What?" I asked.
"Like Edward, doing what you think is best for Bella instead of letting her make her own decisions."
"I am not. I'm nothing like Edward."
"You just keep saying that, and it will be him who ends up with Bella."
I glared at Leah, expecting to see her scowl back, but she just rolled her eyes.

Frustrated and angry I stormed out of the house. There was no way that Leah was right. It was one thing for Bella to move on without me, but with Edward. No way. I had enough trust in Edward to keep her safe and take care of her while she was healing, but for them to actually be back together. I felt goosebumps running across my skin, and it was creepy. I couldn't shake the feeling. While I felt like Leah was not right about Edward and Bella being together, there was something that she was right about.

I was acting just like Edward and I hated it. However there was something that I could do about it, I was going to Bella. We were going to work on this together, like we should have been doing this whole time. I was already in the woods, therefore I exploded into my wolf, and started running towards the Cullen's house.