Warning: Depressing, slightly graphic chapter.
Baek Ah is quiet, unmoving. Whatever he had expected to hear tonight, this hadn't been it. He looks back and sees her sobbing into her gloves, and he unwinds his scarf from his neck and gives it to her.
"I think we both could use a drink," he says at last. "Wait here."
Woohee
The end of Halloween marks the beginning of Christmas for the Damiwon, mainly because our beloved sanggung loves the holidays so much. Myself, I haven't celebrated it in years, but her enthusiasm is catching.
It's in this jolly spirit that we find ourselves spending an hour or two after work putting up Christmas decorations. I don't mind. Apart from study for exams, there's really not much to do back at the university dorm.
"Woohee-yah, have you seen the rest of the yellow lights?" unnie asks.
"Yes, Chaeryungie got them. They're putting lights in the halls," I reply, peeking out from behind the tree to see her peering into the many boxes littering the Damiwon main hall.
She pouts, "Hmm… I thought we had bought enough but it seems we'll need to buy more."
"Like you don't enjoy buying Christmas things."
She looks up and rolls her eyes at her husband, who had just walked in. "You could show a little more enthusiasm, yourself."
"You're enthusiastic enough for the both of us."
I hide behind the tree and put on my earphones to give them some privacy.
"Woohee-yah!"
Surprised, I pause the song that had just played and unhide. "Yes, sanggung?"
"Dinner?"
It's always nice to have company to share a meal with, especially when it's with good friends, however…
"Er… sure," I reply, hoping this time won't be one of those times.
"You're safe: he's on site doing something for abeonim," she informs me under her breath when we lock up a quarter of an hour later.
"Oh, okay." I feel much lighter, and yet disappointed at the same time. And I hate myself for feeling the latter because it's a feeling I've been trying to let go of… even though I secretly really want to hold on.
And so it is that I find myself once more in the backseat of their car, trying to suppress the uneasy feeling in my chest by chatting amiably with Hajin.
"Do you think the malls are still open?" she asks suddenly.
"They'll probably close in a few hours," I shrug, "thinking of buying more Christmas lights? Or more items for the new house?"
"Both." She turns in her seat to look at me. "You'll help us set up, won't you?"
"Wouldn't miss it for anything," I assure her again, knowing why she keeps trying to make sure. I smile and hook my small finger with hers. "Or anyone."
So's phone rings. He takes one look at the screen, glances ever so discreetly my way, and I know immediately who it is before he even answers.
"Oh, Baek Ah-yah…"
It's not important. It doesn't matter. It won't be awkward.
"Unnie," I say quietly, leaning forward so I can whisper in her ear, "I have a recital next Wednesday, and I'd really like it if you could come."
"I'd love to!" she says immediately, "What time is it?"
"Seven to nine in the evening," I reply, feeling better already. "Can you really go? You're not too busy?"
She shakes her head. "The wedding's over so I'm free most evenings now. I'll ask Myunghee-unnie if she'd like to come as well. I think… she needs a break; something to take her mind off things."
"Of course." I understand at once. "I look forward to seeing you both there. Don't worry about the tickets… I have free passes for my guests. You can take two of them."
"Oh, yey," she says brightly and then adds not-so-brightly, "Is there a dress code?"
I chuckle at the way she said it. Between buying things for their new house and the Damiwon, she hasn't yet found the time to shop for maternity clothes. Thankfully, our uniforms are adjustable so she can probably continue wearing hers for another month, and the weather becoming cooler means she has reason to wear all of her sweaters… but there isn't much she can do about her jeans, which she has long given up on in exchange for sweatpants.
"Not really, but I'll be wearing a dress?"
She sighs. "All my old dresses don't fit." Then she shakes herself and winks, "I'll shop for clothes tomorrow."
"Baek Ah's in the neighborhood," So announces suddenly, "he's having trouble finding a ride. Do you ladies mind very much if he…?"
Knowing he really means me, I catch his eye in the rearview mirror and shake my head, trying to calm my frantic heart. Months of working together and I still feel faint whenever I think of or see him. It doesn't help that Hajin has become my closest confidante and that Baek Ah and So are as close as cousins can be, so accidentally bumping into each other has become something of a norm… though that doesn't make it any less awkward, at least on my end.
In the restaurant an hour later, though I'm seated beside Hajin, right across from So, who has Baek Ah beside him, right across from Hajin, I find myself struggling to focus on the food I had ordered, and it's not long before I realize someone else doesn't have much of an appetite as well.
"Is there something wrong with the food?" I ask unnie with concern.
She frowns at the noodles she's been turning over in her chopsticks. "I don't think so… I mean, I thought I wanted noodles… but looking at this just makes me want to puke."
"Are you alright?" So and Baek Ah reach out to touch her.
"I'm fine," she reassures them at once with a wave of the hand. "I guess I'm just not hungry." I hide a smile as I take a sip of water, not all that surprised. Her mother had sent over an assortment of home-cooked food for lunch today… a lot of food.
"Maybe she thinks you're growing an entire basketball team," I had joked.
"You want to swap with my steak?" Baek Ah offers, extending his plate to her, but she shies away with a small laugh.
"No, it's fine." She looks at her bowl like she's about to go to war. "I can do this." I can hear her muttering the words over and over again under her breath, every time her chopsticks come within an inch of her mouth.
We watch her struggle for a while, and when it becomes clear she's never going to eat it, So suggests, "Salad?"
"Yes, please," she says, clearly relieved as she pushes the bowl away from her. "I don't like… looking at the oil on the soup. Is that strange?"
"What? No," Baek Ah scoffs, scowling at the offending contents in her bowl. "I don't like looking at all that oil, either. It looks so… so…"
"Oily?" So puts in helpfully.
"Unhealthy, actually, was the word I was going for, but thank you for the input," Baek Ah glares at him.
I have to laugh. These three have the most amusing conversations. While they're busy bickering, I hail a passing waitress and order an extra salad.
"So, Woohee, when's graduation?" So suddenly asks.
I glance up to see them all watching me curiously. "Oh, sometime February, I think. They haven't pinned down an exact date yet."
"February…" Hajin mutters then glances down, knowing she's due around that time. "Hopefully sooner rather than later."
"Or much later," So says.
"Oh yes, then I won't have to worry about…" she gestures to herself as though that ought to explain everything. Then, she clears her throat and very casually adds, "she also has a recital next Wednesday."
"Really?" So looks politely interested. "What music?"
"Just some classics. It's a fundraiser for the Happiness Home for the aged community, so much of the audience are going to be seniors," I explain. "Something of an early Christmas present."
So nods and then laughs at Hajin's expression. "Hearing Christmas has just made her even more excited."
"Stop it," she glares at him, but there's a smile lurking at the corners of her lips. She turns to me and whines, "He keeps making fun of me."
Being the loyal friend that I am, I tell him sternly, "Stop it."
"Ah, but you're so cute, noona," Baek Ah grins. "You're like a little teddy bear."
"You too. Stop it," I glare pointedly at him.
"She feels like a teddy bear," So murmurs into his glass.
I can't help but agree with him on this. "She does, doesn't she?" I hug our human teddy bear and pat her rounding tummy. "Oooh, was that her?"
"Where?" Baek Ah flies off his seat and into the one next to hers. He waits. "I don't feel anything."
"You never do," I say with a pitying tut. "You like your auntie Woohee more, don't you?"
"What?" Baek Ah scoffs, "that's not fair, you spend more time with her!"
"Neither here nor there. Only results matter."
I realize we've been arguing on both sides of unnie, who's been having a silent conversation with So this entire time, so I shoo Baek Ah away and back into his seat.
Forlornly, he shakes his head. "I should enroll myself into the Damiwon program, then I'll have an excuse to go there more often."
"Don't you have unfinished business there?" So asks.
Before Baek Ah can respond, I feel another little movement beneath my hand. "Oh, there she is again! You like hearing your daddy's voice, do you?"
Baek Ah zooms back in an instant. "WHERE?"
Dinners and meetings like this happen rather often… and they always start out awkwardly, but end with everyone leaving each other in good spirits.
"Are you sure you'll be alright by yourself?" unnie asks anxiously. "It's rather late."
"Yeah, I'll take the next bus. It'll arrive in about ten minutes." I help load the last of the Christmas decorations we had just bought into the trunk and give her a hug. "I can tell you're tired. I have an hour before the dorm closes. Don't worry about me."
"Well, if you're sure… be safe."
"You too."
I wave my goodbyes to So and Baek Ah and jog to the bus stop, hugging my hands to my body to warm them. I really should have bought a pair of gloves at the store but by the time I realized I had left mine at work, we were already back at the parking lot and the mall was already closing.
"Woohee-yah."
Surprised, I turn to see Baek Ah jogging after me. From within his coat pocket, he pulls out his own gloves. "Your hands need to be in perfect condition for next Wednesday. I won't be needing them since I'll be riding with hyung."
Tentatively, I reach out. They're still warm from his body heat, and very soft between my fingers. I had just opened my mouth to say my thanks when he runs back, and I have to yell it loudly, "Thank you!" He waves and I smile from behind my scarf. I put them on and clasp my hands together with a sigh, remembering a time when I was younger and holding onto a different hand underneath the same gloves.
.
.
.
The day of the recital is a busy day for me. I get off early from work to prepare: return to the dorm, wash up, put on the dress I had bought for the occasion, and do my own make-up. I make sure I have everything I need before I leave for the concert hall. Violin case in hand, my fingers moving, recalling all the notes I'll be playing later, I arrive just in time for the final rehearsal.
"Are you ready?" my professor asks, to which I nod affirmative. He gives me a thumbs up and everyone watches as I take my place in the middle of the concert stage, my violin poised to begin.
I had chosen this song for him, hoping he would hear it, and feel…
But he won't be here to listen…
Love that left autumn behind
But the winter is far away yet
The tears of sorrow that deepens as I love
Were they a fragrant dream?
Once upon a time, on a starry evening in a place much smaller than this city… I sat with you under a cherry tree.
"I think we should get married."
When I recall your tears
The dreams remaining in my memory,
When I close my eyes,
Will turn into countless stars,
And flow in the dark night sky
I remember everything we used to do… all the walks we used to take, all the random pictures you used to shoot. I never did get to see any of them.
"We've been together for two years. I want to marry you."
I wanted to marry you, too.
But I wanted many things. Too many.
Oh how I wish to sleep by your side
Like a migratory bird with folded wings
The letter written with tears
I will erase again with tears
Though to my heart, spring is far away
How my love wishes to be a flower
I glance up from my instrument, to the silent crowd below. I see on the faces of the elderly tears of nostalgia. I try to imagine what their thoughts are… how many hidden memories must have resurfaced tonight… how much love they must have lost before today… how they must wish for a past that is long gone.
I'm young but I've already been through much. Seen much. I imagine I know how they feel.
My chosen song brings me no comfort, but I'm happy that it's able to comfort others. Everyone deserves to be as happy as Hajin-unnie during Christmas season. Through the smiles of the people before me, I can feel how much they appreciate everything we're doing for them.
I stand up and take a bow. My light blue dress swishes around my ankles as I walk to the microphone. And I smile pleasantly to my audience.
"This next song is one of my favorites. If you know it, please sing along with us. A Goose's Dream. "
.
.
.
"Unnie cried," Hajin says without preamble when I meet them outside an hour later.
Myunghee gives me a hug. "You played beautifully tonight."
The compliment makes me blush. "Thank you."
"And don't be fooled. She cried, too," she adds, smiling playfully at Hajin, who links arms with us and quickly steers us towards the nearest coffee shop where plenty of people are currently headed.
"I had a lot of emotion I had to get rid of." She nudges me with her elbow. "I'm not being biased when I say: you were the best tonight. Everyone around us said so, right unnie?"
Myunghee nods firmly. "Those are pretty. Who sent them?"
She means the large bouquet I'm carrying in my other arm, and though I know there's nothing on the card, I still find myself checking again to be sure. "I don't know, my teacher gave it to me right after my performance. There's no note or anything."
"Looks like you have an admirer," she teases, but I just laugh.
"It could be from my teacher. Or the school."
"Or your parents."
I hold my breath, my smile frozen on my face. They're staring at me, waiting for a reaction, but I can't think of anything to say. "I… well… I mean, they're not really… they can't-"
"Oh, I see," Myunghee cuts in softly, "they're not the supportive type, are they?"
"Well," I mumble awkwardly, "I mean, it's not that, it's just that they can't… the thing is, they're-"
Before I can loosen my tongue enough to tell them, Hajin gasps, "Oh! I just remembered something!" She lets go of our arms to rummage through her bag, eventually producing a letter envelope. "I forgot to drop this at the donation boxes."
I take the envelope from her and see that it's from all the Wang brothers and cousins, and their families. The words 'Merry Christmas' are written in the middle in beautiful calligraphy using red and green markers.
"Gyunghwa wrote that," she tells me proudly. I have to think hard to remember who that is, and eventually manage to place a small, shy girl of about twelve years. The eldest daughter of Wang Mu.
"That's so sweet," I gush, looking around. There are less people milling about the school grounds, and the lights in the concert hall have been switched off. Could there still be people inside? "I'll go check if my professor is still in. Why don't you go and find us a table? I'll be right back."
"We'll order you a hot chocolate, shall we?" Hajin calls after me.
She knows it's my favorite. I grin and nod and hurry back across the field.
I may not have family, but I have friends. And for them, I'm grateful.
.
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Forgetting You
Baek Ah leans beside one of the pillars of the College of Arts building, watching Woohee run across the field, back towards the concert hall, wondering where she's headed off to in such a hurry.
"Where's she going?"
He glances up to see So putting his cellphone away. He frowns at Woohee, but relaxes when he sees Hajin with Myunghee entering the nearby cafe. "So, are we just going to stand around here all night or are we going in after them?"
After much deliberation, Baek Ah had decided earlier that he didn't want the women to know that they had come to watch. "I don't know. I'm not really in the mood for hot chocolate or tea."
So wonders what his cousin keeps waiting for… but as he's never been one to pry, he doesn't ask. "I think we passed a bar on our way here."
On days like this, Baek Ah's grateful he has his cousin to rely on for company; someone who listens even when no words are spoken. "Yeah, I could use a drink."
.
.
.
The days pass quickly; they progress into weeks, which stretch into months. Woohee wakes one morning to find that it's Christmas Eve, and everywhere she goes, she's greeted by Christmas carols, Christmas lights and Christmas trees. Santa smiles at her from every shop window; pop idol groups sing and extend their greetings from TVs and billboards alike.
She had just spent the entire afternoon at the park, serenading some passing families and young children for fun, stopping only when it got dark. As she returns to her dorm, she drops by the lone guard on duty and gives him the muffins she had bought for him on her way back.
He's an old man and has always been kind to her. Her gift has just brightened his day. "Thank you, Woohee-shi." In a whisper, he adds, "I know how much you like looking at the lights. I asked Jun-shi to keep the ones near your dorm on just for tonight."
"Really?" she laughs, thankful to have something to look forward to later.
"It's your last year here. I wanted it to be special," he smiles kindly.
She bows her head in gratitude. "I'll definitely enjoy myself. Thank you, ahjussi. Merry Christmas."
Back in her dorm, she's all alone as her fellow students had gone home for the winter holidays. It's impossibly chilly and everything's quiet; so quiet, she can hear her every breath, her every movement.
She switches on the lights and plays some cheerful music to drive away the gloom, then she goes to the kitchen to cook.
The dormitory kitchen is complete with utensils and the first thing she procures from the cupboard is an old kettle that no one else seems to use but her. At the stove, she turns the knob and a fire clicks to life. On days like this, she can always count on a cup of good, hot chocolate to make her feel better. She sets the kettle on the fire and begins to chop up some vegetables. Carrots… onions… garlic… potatoes…
She opens a can of spam and dices up the meat inside, and when the kettle starts to whistle, she exchanges it with a pan, in which she drizzles some oil.
She doesn't really know what she's doing. Of all the arts she's studied, cooking was one she never really got the hang of.
Baek Ah, though… Baek Ah had always been a great cook. She remembers how he used to cook for her while they were still students, on those days when they didn't have enough money to go eat at restaurants… or on special occasions, like on her birthday, or on Valentine's. On anniversaries.
At the thought of him, she smiles, wistful. He's probably at home right now, having dinner with his parents.
And as always, her heart aches and she screams to let out her frustrations. So many years of trying to forget him… of burying her feelings… proved futile the instant she saw him again. How easy it was for her to remember… every touch of his hand, every kiss from his lips, every embrace.
Being around him felt like walking through both heaven and hell at the same time.
To forget her heartaches, she opens a pack of cookies and lays them out on a plate in front of her fresh cup of hot chocolate, then she returns to the stove to resume cooking.
.
.
.
"Soo-yah," So calls, trying to follow his paranoid wife as she flits from room to room.
"I don't remember in which boxes we packed the plates," she wails, grabbing a soiled dish towel that she spots lying on the kitchen counter and tossing it into the laundry hamper in the next room. "My mother says they'll be here in an hour!"
He finally manages to grab hold of her. "Stop moving for a minute and breathe," he orders, cupping her face and looking into her eyes. "Go lie down for a while. I'll look for them," he says firmly when she opens her mouth to interrupt. "You and Baek Ah have been cooking and baking all day. I know where the plates and bowls are, and once Baek Ah's done showering, we'll set the table together. No buts, Soo-yah." He gently kneads her aching lower back and has to smile when she closes her eyes and groans in pleasure.
Their mothers had given Hajin a concoction to put in her bath, and she's been wanting to try it since. "I have been wanting a hot bath," she murmurs, placing her hands on his hips and tiptoeing to reach his lips. "Join me?"
"I have a table to set," he reminds her, amused at how quickly her hormones can take over her thought processes these days.
"Oh right," she mumbles glumly. "Later, then."
A panicked scream makes them both jump. "Hyung! My towel-"
So sighs and assures Hajin, "This always happens."
"-I don't have one!"
Hajin snickers. "He forgot to bring a towel?"
"Go have your bath," he kisses her, "and stop worrying about-"
"Is it safe to come out-"
"No!" they both yell in unison.
Hajin disappears into the master bedroom. The bathroom is chilly, but quickly warms up as the tub is filled with hot water. She adds a few drops of the concoction into the soapy bubbles and puts a hand in to feel the temperature. It's a little too hot, but it'll cool down soon enough.
She slips into the water and lays down with a contented sigh as the weight of her growing belly lifts from her lower back. The sudden rise in temperature startles her little one, who immediately goes through a series of acrobatics that'll make any martial artist proud. The movements make Hajin smile as she goes lower, dipping her head backwards to soak her hair. She closes her eyes and breathes in the scent of the bath water, wondering what her mothers had given her this time. Since her mother had started taking classes under Sooyeon, they've been sending her all sorts of soaps, lotions and creams. This time, her sensitive nose detects chamomile… and perhaps a hint of lavender? She's so relaxed, it's all she can do to stop herself from falling asleep.
She thinks of Myunghee, who had gone home to celebrate Christmas with her parents for the first time in years. No matter what had happened recently, she hopes her cousin can be happy today, and tomorrow. She had tried her best to be positive and surround Myunghee with positive aura, but since Hajin had recently gotten married and moved out of her parents' place, Myunghee had also decided to move out and now lives in a small but cozy space at the back of her new flower shop. Hajin didn't like the thought of Myunghee being so alone, and was very happy to hear she would at least be spending some time with her parents.
Next, she thinks of Woohee, wondering what her friend has been up to. Out of all the court ladies, Woohee alone had volunteered to come to work for half a day today. The rest had to draw straws. Hajin remembers what Woohee's life had been like in Goryeo… she remembers Woohee's reaction to Myunghee's casual mention of her parents at the charity concert…
She opens her eyes and sighs glumly at the ceiling. The bathroom door slides open but she knows who it is and isn't alarmed.
"Why the long face?"
"Just thinking," she replies shortly, turning her head to the side to pout at So as he takes a seat on the edge of the tub. "What kind of life do you think Woohee has in this century?"
He looks thoughtful, but shrugs. "I don't know, Soo-yah."
"I think…" she turns over on her side and rests her chin on the tub, "her life is not so different from what it was in Goryeo." He asks what makes her think so and she tells him her reasons quietly, ordering him first to lock the door to make sure Baek Ah can't hear any of it.
When she finishes speaking, he neither argues nor questions her logic. All he does is ask what she wants to do, and she feels grateful to have married such a direct, practical man. "If I'm right, then she's alone tonight."
He crouches to meet her eyes, slips a hand into the water and runs it over her sensitive, stretched flesh. He can feel gooseflesh ripple across her skin. "And you don't want that."
She shakes her head. "But I don't know if having her and Baek Ah over at the same time will make things worse for them. They already meet too often because of us."
"First, it's not like we let them meet on purpose. Second, I actually think the tension between them has lessened as of late."
"Really?" she straightens up, heartened. "So if I invite Woohee for dinner tonight, they won't think I'm trying to set them up?"
He hides a smile. "Aren't you?"
"Yes and no," she replies honestly. "Yes, I think they like each other and they're good for each other. But no, my real purpose for inviting her would be for her to have companynot for any ulterior motives. I'm a good person!"
He chuckles. "I don't doubt it. I get Baek Ah, you get Woohee?"
"Deal." She points to her bathrobe. "Help. Please."
As she sits on the edge of the bed minutes later wearing nothing but her bathrobe, she calls Woohee's cell, wondering suddenly if her friend had already made plans for tonight.
"Unnie?"
"Woohee-yah!" she says, happy to hear her voice. "Where are you now?" So comes in, flashes her a thumbs up, and closes the door quietly behind him. Now all they need is for Woohee to say yes. "The dorm? Oh, well I- what? No, no, nothing's wrong. I was just wondering, if you don't have any plans, if you would like to come over for dinner tonight?"
She unties her robe and helps So apply the cream she had made to minimize the appearance of stretch marks with her free hand.
"Trouble? What trouble?" she indignantly splutters all of a sudden. "Kim Woohee, you are like a sister to me. Stop thinking of yourself as being troublesome or so help me, I will get angry!"
"Blood pressure," So whispers into her ear. She shudders, holds her phone away from their mouths, and says, "is perfectly normal, as well you know." She puts his hands back on her body and tries not to get sidetracked as he resumes what he had been doing.
"Two hours," she bargains. "Dinner for two hours. Come on, it's Christmas Eve! I haven't given you my Christmas gift yet. I'll even make you a cup of hot choco and throw in some marshmallows."
It takes a little bit of coaxing and bribery, but Woohee finally agrees.
"She says to give her one hour," Hajin tells So in triumph, tossing her phone and putting her arms around him.
Flushed, he pulls away from her insistent kisses. "Baek Ah's outside."
"Mm. I can smell his cookies."
"Soo-yah, we don't have time," he laughs, trying to get away before things can progress any further.
"You can't touch me like that and not expect any consequences." She licks his lips and fingers his pliant ears. "Pyeha, you worry too much."
" I worry too much? Didn't you say our parents will be here soon?"
"Not soon enough."
.
.
.
Every time the doorbell rings, Baek Ah holds his breath, and every time someone else comes in, he relaxes. That is, until she finally arrives.
She's smiling as she enters, carrying two boxes of baked goods that she had obviously just bought. Her cheeks are red from the cold but she looks to be in good spirits, especially when she sees Hajin and Soon Deok.
"It's so cold outside!" Baek Ah can hear her saying as she sheds her winter clothes until all that's left is a Christmas sweater over tattered blue jeans. He tries not to follow her with his eyes as she goes around greeting everyone: his aunts and uncles, cousins, niece and nephews.
"Merry Christmas." She reaches him finally.
His smile is easy, well-practiced after years of dealing with uncomfortable situations. "Merry Christmas to you, too."
"Your parents…?"
"Oh," he makes a little gesture with his hand as he says, "well, they rarely come to family gatherings. Actually, they never do."
Right then, she remembers why. "Ah, right! Sorry, I… forgot." His mother had been disowned for ruining a marriage deal by marrying an ordinary salaryman. "I thought maybe since it's Christmas and all…" she clears her throat awkwardly and then, after deciding she had nothing more to say, left him to talk to the others.
The last to arrive are Yo and his family. Jung's with them; he's been spending a lot of time at their place, helping them take care of baby Chunwon, who easily steals everyone's hearts with his toothless smiles and high-pitched laughs.
"We decided to wait for him to wake up," Munseong explains after apologizing for being late.
"He's so full of energy!" Eunnie's mother laughs, then turns to Baek Ah. "Baek Ah-yah! Let's take pictures before we eat. Quick, everyone, to the tree!"
He takes out his camera and begins to direct them. They take pictures of Chunwon by himself, then with his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins… and finally, they want a picture of the whole family.
"I'll do it," Woohee suggests quietly to Baek Ah, offering him her hand, palm up. "I'm not family, so…"
"Oh, right," he nods and gives her his camera. He doesn't need to tell her what to do or how to operate it. He's bought a lot of cameras over the years, but for special occasions, he only uses the one his parents had bought for him in college.
After taking pictures, they settle down to eat.
Woohee knows when she takes her first bite that Baek Ah had cooked everything, and Baek Ah watches, wondering if she remembers how he used to cook for her in the past. He always squeezed in one or two of her favorite food during family gatherings, even before she came back into his life.
"Do you remember the year we all went on that 2-week-long cruise around the country for Christmas? That was fun! We helped sail the ship and everything," Eun recalls brightly. His older cousins tell him they do remember, but Jung looks lost. Eun tells him with a pitying tut, "Make that all of us minus you and Baek Ah."
"Why, where was I?" Jung asks, trying to place the memory.
"At home with your mother," his father replies. "She was afraid you'd drown."
"But you two went?" he frowns at his older brothers, who nod, "Of course."
"You were left behind because you were her baby," Yo teases, tugging playfully at Jung's cheeks. "You don't remember because we lied to you and said we were sleeping over at Won's. He hates going there," he adds to those who don't know enough family history to understand.
"So that's why you returned all tanned!" Jung says, finally remembering. He glares accusingly at his brothers. "You two! You're always lying to me! Just because I'm years younger than you are!" He turns to the rest of his family, "Right after they returned from the military, they kidnapped me and only told me hyung was getting married on the morning of the wedding."
"You're not still sour about that?" Yo laughs at the memory of Jung in his striped pajamas.
Jung rushes on, "And when I was five, they gave me a whole red onion and told me it was a special kind of apple from Malaysia."
So's eyes light up, "I'd forgotten about that one."
"How could you forget? Our butts were never the same afterwards," Yo recalls. His wife looks down in interest, "Really?"
"I still can't bring myself to eat onions because of you!"
"But, Jungie…" Baek Ah says, trying to keep a straight face, "that soup you've been sipping all evening… it's onion soup."
Everyone laughs at Jung's horrified expression, but the stories don't stop there. One by one, confessions and memories come pouring out, mostly funny stories aimed at amusing their guests. Even outsiders like Woohee and the Park family laugh along. Drinks also get passed around when they start playing drinking games, the only ones exempted being Hajin, who's pregnant, Munseong, who's breastfeeding, and Yujeong, who has to drive her two kids home.
Finally, full of food and drunk on alcohol and laughter, people begin to cluster into smaller groups to talk quietly amongst themselves, and Woohee decides it's time to say goodbye.
"The dorm might close earlier today," she explains in a low voice to a drowsy Hajin. "Thank you for inviting me, unnie."
"You know you're welcome anytime."
She does know. "Merry Christmas," she says, giving Hajin a massive hug. "I had fun tonight. Really." The most fun she's had in years.
"Take care on your way back."
"I'll take her," Baek Ah offers from out of nowhere.
"Would you?" Hajin says, looking relieved. "Thank you, Baek Ah-nim. Are you sure you can drive?"
"No," he replies at once with a short laugh, "I'm kidding, noona. Yes, of course. But if we get into an accident and die, you're free to yell at my funeral."
So comes over and wraps his arms around an unamused Hajin. "We're still not naming the baby after you."
Baek Ah winks and kisses Hajin's cheek. "Was worth a shot. Well, anyway, thank you for keeping me company today."
"I should be the one thanking you," Hajin says.
"And Merry Christmas!" He hugs them both before leaving with Woohee. "Noona," he calls as he's starting his motorbike, "I left you a whole container full of salad that you have to finish!"
Hajin groans at the thought of more food.
"I put in a lot of peanuts! You have to stay healthy!" he adds with a grin. And then, with a final wave, they back onto the main road and go on their way.
Despite how tired she is, Woohee is wide awake during the whole ride. The city streets are empty and they make it back to the university dorm in good time. By the time she gets off the bike, Woohee's mustered enough courage to thank him and invite him in.
"I can't. I promised my parents I'd sleep over at their place tonight, so I have to get going."
"Then, can you wait for me for a little bit? I have something for you."
She rushes through the gates, across the field, and opens the dorm as fast as she can. Running up to her room, she flings open her closet and begins tossing things aside indiscriminately until she finds what she's looking for. Then she runs back to the gate, hoping he's still there.
He is.
"Merry… Christmas… Baek Ah-yah," she pants, holding out her gift. It's something she's had for a while now… something she's been working on for years. Embarrassed and feeling vulnerable, she thanks him for the ride, bids him goodnight and leaves. She shuts the dormitory door behind her and sinks to the floor, breathing heavily, wondering if he would like it.
After what seems like an eternity, she gets up and begins collecting the things she had discarded onto the floor during her hasty entrance earlier, but just as she's about to go back up the stairs, a loud banging makes her double back.
"Woohee!"
Baffled, she opens the door and comes face to face with a very angry Baek Ah.
"What the hell is this?" he demands angrily.
In his hand is the CD she had just given him. She's sure he knows what it is. "It's a CD with all your self-compositions from highschool. It took me a while to compile because I had to figure out the notes by ear, but-"
"I know what it is," he growls, "why are you giving it to me?"
"I… I thought you might like it," she says, feeling unsure and frightened now. She had no idea he would react this way. Of all the ways she had imagined his reaction to be, furious had not been one of them.
"Like it?" he grabs a fistful of his hair and begins to laugh, incredulously, humorlessly. "For fuck's sake, Woohee!"
"For fuck's sake, what?" she shrieks, confused. "Why are you angry?"
"Why?" he seethes, closing the distance between them with a single step. "Years ago, you disappeared without a single trace right before graduation. I searched for you… for years. And when I couldn't find you, I decided to forget about you, and I managed to. But now…" he shakes his head and takes a step back, "now you're back and I've put up with it for everyone's sake, but you're not making it any easier!"
She's stunned. "But you were always so happy… joking around, smiling-" She sees his closed expression and finally understands… it had all been an act. All this time. He hasn't forgiven her. He's been bottling up all this anger and resentment for months.
"Then why did you ask me to come back?" she yells, feeling choked with guilt and anger herself. "Why did you have to act like you didn't care whether or not I worked for your uncle's company? Why did you have to be so fake?"
"Why not?" he hisses, "After all, I learned from the best."
She realizes he means her and can't help feeling hurt. "Fake? You think I've been faking it all this time? That I haven't been sincere?"
"You tell me."
Despite the hurt in her breast, she takes a moment to calm herself. Yelling and exchanging sarcastic remarks won't help the situation. "I have been sincere. I do care. And I did- do love you."
"Then why…" he approaches her slowly until they're only inches apart. He towers over her. Once upon a time, she had found his height attractive and charming. Tonight, it only serves to intimidate. "Why?" It's all he can say.
She blinks back tears, trying to gather her courage. The courage to finally tell him the truth. "You're right if you think I've been lying to you, but not- never about how I feel," she has to emphasise when he scoffs unpleasantly. "I… I wanted to tell you even before… but I never got the chance to. And also… I didn't know how."
His expression is carefully controlled to give her no indication of his thoughts and feelings.
"Would you like to come inside for a minute?" When he doesn't move, she decides that's a no and closes the door. "There's a bench nearby," she informs him instead, hugging her arms to her body and going down the steps. She doesn't bother to check if he's following because she knows he is.
They reach the mushroom tables and chairs stationed under the trees surrounding the quadrangle, and that's when she remembers… guard-ahjussi had asked his friend to keep the Christmas lights on for tonight, just for her. She had thought to take a stroll, to maybe compose some music after having dinner earlier. With the way she's feeling now, she doubts she'll be able to write very much.
She sits but he doesn't join her. Instead, he walks to the nearest tree and leans against it, his back to her. The lights overhead flash all kinds of colors onto him; their cheerful dance a stark contrast to the dour mood between the only two people on campus.
"The truth is," she begins shakily, eyeing her hands. She wonders how and where to begin. "When I was young… my parents used to drive my sisters and me around town during Christmas eve, to see the Christmas lights. If business was really good that year, we would leave earlier and they would take us to the bigger cities. We would bring canteens of hot chocolate and containers full of biscuits, and when we came across a particularly beautiful display, we would stop for a while to take pictures and to share stories of whatever interesting thing had happened to each of us that year. Life was good. I had a wonderful family: a doting grandfather and parents who loved each other.
"But one day, my father and grandfather were attacked while on their way to deliver some items from the store. A man ambushed them, asked for their money… but they hadn't brought much. They told him they would have more after they deliver the beauty products. He didn't believe them. My grandfather died protecting my father, and though my father survived, he was never the same again."
She lifts a gloved hand to wipe her runny nose. She remembers how her mother shook as she packed them up to go to the hospital. She remembers seeing her unconscious father on life support, comforting her younger sisters who kept calling out for him. When he woke up a week later, they were overjoyed. But something was wrong. He didn't speak, didn't smile, didn't laugh. His hands, the hands of an artist, the same hands Woohee had inherited, had been hurt - smashed, broken beyond repair. The doctors said he would be able to use them again… eventually… with rehabilitative therapy.
"Expenses piled… business slowed… father stopped going to therapy, saying he could do the exercises on his own. On good days, he would be like his old self: laughing, joking around… but then he would try to lift us up… and he couldn't. Not even our youngest. He'd try to do the things that he used to do with ease before, only to find his hands were uncooperative. And he would get angry again. He cursed at customers, cursed at my mother, cursed at us. My mother tried to be patient and understanding, but sometimes, he was too much.
"Finally, one day, she came home very late after doing some overtime at work… they had agreed that he would be the one to cook dinner that night… he had promised. And when she came home and found us hungry, secretly sharing a pack of biscuits that a classmate had shared with me at school, she lost it. She found out that he had thrown away all the canned goods and instant noodles because they were unhealthy. She was so angry. They got into a big fight. She called him lazy, he called her a whore. He didn't believe she had been at work. He was convinced she was cheating on him."
"I'm done!" her mother screamed, grabbing her bag, then her daughters and ushering them out the door. "Do what you want! I'm done!"
"You are not taking my children anywhere!" he yelled, going after them. He grabbed her by the shoulder, spun her around, and punched her in the face. Caught unawares, their mother had staggered and fallen onto the pavement, whimpering from pain and fright.
The sight of his wife sprawled on the ground, clutching at her bruised cheek, seemed to bring him back to his senses. His anger dissipated, and he tried to help her up, but she cowered away from him.
"Don't touch me!" she screamed, swatting his hands away with her bag. She got to her feet, crying, staring at him with disbelief written all over her face.
Woohee grabbed her distressed younger sisters and led them away from the house, wishing she could wake up from this nightmare, but she could still hear her parents as clearly as though they were right beside her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean… I wasn't…" her father tried to apologize, but her mother would have none of it.
She took off her wedding ring and flung it in his chest, then she rushed after her daughters and left, deaf to his anguished pleas.
She brought them to the nearest convenience store and told them to sit outside. "Mother will be back," she said, trying to act normal despite her visible shaking. "Hush, stop crying now, I will just go in and buy some food. What would you like? Mother will buy whatever you want."
But Woohee was mute from shock, staring at the dark mark on her mother's pale face, and her sisters were too distressed over what they had heard and witnessed to even think about eating.
"Woohee-yah, watch over your sisters. I'll be back soon."
Being so late at night, the convenience store didn't have much by way of warm food, so she had bought some noodles, cold drinks, and some street food from a nearby vendor. They ate in silence, but as their tummies began to fill, their mood improved. This was just another fight. They could overcome this like before, couldn't they?
"Of course," their mother assured them. "Don't worry, mother was just angry. We'll go home after you finish eating and then we'll talk to father. Ok?"
With the promise of reconciliation, their appetites improved. Woohee shared some new jokes she had learned at school to make them laugh, and she could see the gratitude and pride in her mother's eyes, and they were warmer than the soup she was sipping.
But the warm feeling would not last very long. Upon returning home, they discovered the door unlocked. Thinking nothing of it, their mother immediately got to work doing the dishes and cleaning the house, while she told her daughters to get ready for bed.
Not five minutes had passed, they heard their mother scream. Woohee ran to the source of the sound - her father's workshop. She rushed through the open doorway and couldn't comprehend what she was seeing. Her mother continued to scream, frantically tugging at the ropes that bound her father to the ceiling.
"Yeobo! Yeobo!" she called, then ran to the window, "Help! Somebody, please! Woohee, bring your sisters outside. Don't let them see!"
But Woohee was too numb to move. Too numb to think. All she could do was stare. She wasn't aware of even falling to the floor… wasn't aware of people dragging her outside… wasn't aware of losing consciousness.
She stops talking for a moment to dry her tears, but no matter how many times she wipes them off, more just keep on coming. She hasn't thought of that day in the longest time. Everyday for a year, all she could see when she woke up… and all she could see when she closed her eyes… was her father's lifeless face.
Baek Ah is quiet, unmoving. Whatever he had expected to hear tonight, this hadn't been it. He looks back and sees her sobbing into her gloves, and he unwinds his scarf from his neck and gives it to her.
"I think we both could use a drink," he says at last. "Wait here."
Woohee vaguely wonders if he's leaving her there for good. She won't blame him if he does. Her story is enough to ruin anyone's mood, and who would want that on Christmas Eve?
But he returns a couple of minutes later, fresh snow in his hair and a plastic bag full of soju in his hand. He opens two bottles and passes one to her. Together, they take a long draft. And then he waits. He feels there's more to the story, and he's right.
"After that, the business died completely. We had to sell the house and move into a small apartment. Before grandfather died, mother had been a housewife. The day job she had found was hardly enough to support three growing girls, so she took a second job. She wouldn't let me work. She said I had to focus on my studies, so I did. But I was angry, Baek Ah-yah…" she can feel her guilt eating away inside her; she felt rotten inside. "I was so angry. I was angry at that man for killing my grandfather… at my father for killing himself… at my mother for making him believe she was leaving him for good. I was angry at the world for taking everything away. My good life, my perfect childhood, my good home. To my sisters, I was an ideal sister. But to my mother, I was mean… unreasonable. I blamed her for everything. When we lost our old house, I blamed her. When we had to transfer schools, I blamed her. When I had to pick up the responsibility of cleaning up, doing the laundry and taking care of my sisters, I blamed her. I was such a bitch."
She closes her eyes, pained at the memory of all the hurtful things she had said to her mother, at the many times she had heard her mother crying quietly in her room in the middle of the night when she thought no one else was awake.
"It's Christmas Eve. Do you girls want to do something special tonight?" their mother had asked the year following their father's death. "Why don't we go out to see the lights? We haven't done that in a while. Don't you miss it?"
"Mom. It's almost midnight," Woohee snapped, annoyed.
"I know. We needn't go far." She fidgeted uncomfortably with her fingers and turned to her younger two. "What about you two? I have hot chocolate and cookies. You used to love them!"
None of them really wanted to go out that night, but she was insistent. She did everything. She packed the food, their clothes, took out all the money she had saved, and started the beat-up, secondhand car she had recently bought. "Girls, hop in and let's go!" She pointed out all the pretty lights they passed; the big houses with their big trees, and the street lamps with lit stars. She turned on the stereo and played Christmas tunes, and pretty soon, the younger two were singing along. Seeing her younger sisters enjoying themselves made Woohee feel better.
"Let's go somewhere special," their mother said, veering off the main road and entering a street that led up to the mountain. "It's a place I used to go to when I was a kid. You girls will love it there."
Fifteen minutes up, the youngest began to complain about needing to go to the bathroom. She couldn't wait for them to reach their destination and said she'd do it in a bush.
"It's freezing cold!" their mother exclaimed, but pulled over anyway. "Don't go too far, and put your tissues in this plastic bag when you're done."
Woohee waited for her sisters to disappear before confronting their mother. "Are we celebrating something?" she asked without preamble. "Do you have a new boyfriend?"
Her mother was shocked, but not angry. She laughed, "No, of course not. But I do have good news." Woohee could tell her mother had been waiting all day to tell them. She could see it in the excited gleam in her eyes, and the upward turn of her smiling lips. "Woohee-yah, I got promoted."
Those three words were enough to dispel what little remained of Woohee's dark mood. "Really?"
Her mother nodded, excited, and took hold of her hands. "My boss really likes all the effort I've been putting into my work and promoted me yesterday. A Christmas gift, he said. Woohee-yah… I know you've been having a hard time. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you, but things will be better from now on. I promise. We just need to be patient." She hugged her then and stroked her long hair. "Thank you for looking after your sisters. Mother is very lucky and happy to have you for a daughter."
Woohee was crying. All this time, her mother had worked to provide them with everything they needed… and yet Woohee had found every reason to be nasty. "Just a little more. Can you keep doing what you've been doing for just a little longer?"
Wordlessly, Woohee nodded, and when her sisters returned, shivering and hopping from the cold, she even managed to tease them and laugh. Spirits high, they hopped back into the car.
"You girls will love it there!" their mother said, starting the engine. "We'll be able to see all the lights of the city, and we can sit on a blanket and drink hot chocolate and eat cookies just like we used to."
"And unnie can play a song for us!" Jaehee, the middle child, suggested. "I brought your flute, unnie."
Woohee readily took the flute from her and tested it out. "Sure, what song would you like?" She played a fun, jagged little tune that made their youngest giggle.
"If you study hard enough, you could go to college," their mother said, finally getting the car to start. She looked at Woohee, who sat on the passenger's side, and smiled, "We'll save enough money so you can study music, like you've always wanted."
Woohee couldn't remember the last time she had felt so happy and hopeful. She began to play an original song. It was a slow song, and everyone fell silent to listen. Their mother backed up slowly, careful to avoid the slippery ice. She was just about to finish her turn and continue her drive up when a speeding van came at them, rammed right into the driver's side, and sent their car spinning out of control.
hehe well I did promise some angst. Sorry for the very late update! It's a very long chapter. Also, I was busy making grades, and when I finally finished, I was too tired to do much but sleep and be lazy hehe
But I'm back now and ready to keep updating! This is soooo long, I had to cut it lol
See you in the next chapter... hopefully :D
Song: 가을을 남기고 떠난 사랑 (Love that Left Autumn Behind) by Patti Kim
Lyric trans taken from: askakorean () blogspot () com/2011/03/50-most-influential-k-pop-artists-32 () html
