CHAPTER 48: Insomnia, Part 2


. .

Where was she?

Am I awake?

Please, please be awake.

Elsa lay in bed, on her back, trying not to make a sound. Her right hand was clasped to her mouth; if she let it go she knew some gasp or sob would escape and disturb the others. So she lay quite still, and focused on slowing her breathing down to normal. Tears blurred her vision as she stared up through the translucent roof of her latest ice palace, the cloudy night sky blue-black above them. She could hear the faint rumble of thunder. Outside, she knew snow was already starting to fall, but she couldn't help herself.

Another bad dream.

There had been that girl again, the palace... but it slipped away from her, like a tune half-remembered which one tries to pin down but cannot.

It didn't matter, just a dream. She still hadn't come to terms with real events, what had happened that day. Either the good or the bad.

She had a horrible idea as to how the draugs had come to be. Who would sink so far as to make something like that? And did this mean that... that there had once been people like her? Or at least, one person like her? And what happened to them?

A dozen other problems plagued her mind besides. No wonder she had nightmares.

What does a Queen do with a dragon?

What does a Queen do with feelings that she hasn't quite made her mind up about?

There had been a habit she'd formed, in the early months following that frozen summer, of writing Anna letters in her head. The things she could not quite say aloud, just yet- but it had helped to almost say them.

..

"Dear Anna,

I know opening the parade is a formality, but so many eyes looking at me is still terrifying and I really need you there.

I think I might be afraid of everything. A fine Queen I am. I look at my itinerary and I can hardly breathe..."

..

That was one. Later there had been:

..

"Dear Anna,

You say that my people love me. Everyone says it- but I don't feel it. I will myself to believe it, but something in me just won't.

I still have nightmares that I'm just a madwoman who thinks that she's the Queen. They'll all wake up tomorrow and decide to lock me away, until I can be disposed of.

Just like Hans did.

I'm sorry. I'm not blaming you when I sometimes still think of him..."

..

Since she had gotten better at talking to her sister face to face she had lost the habit. But now she found herself falling back on it.

..

"Dear Anna,

When Jani slew those men before my eyes, back at that quarry, I was perturbed. I felt... confusing things, and thought that I must be afraid of him.

But now I've seen him do battle again, and looking back I realise that it wasn't fear that made me tremble. Not fear at all. And now I feel cold, and ashamed, and wonder if Niska really had a point about me.

But God forgive me, EVERYTHING he does is beautiful..."

..

"Elsa..."

She sat up in bed.

Who had spoken?

Then her mind snapped back into awake mode, and she recognised Jani's voice. He was several paces away, at the other end of the pavilion bedchamber. She had decided on putting him some distance from her bed and Anna's for propriety's sake, while he was still near enough to be tended to if he needed anything.

She wished he was nearer. No, not because of... her thoughts were running away with her recently. But the only sleep she had enjoyed entirely untroubled by dreams, in months, had been in Janna's arms. Reeling from magical siren song, on the hard and uneven forest floor, surrounded by maddening supernatural darkness, and yet she had felt so...

Olaf had been given his own room, because he was very good and so responsible and had earned it. Not at all to rid Elsa's already-crowded nights of insomniac snowmen and their bedtime story requests.

"Psst. Elsa..."

She hoped that his arm wasn't bleeding again. They didn't have to worry about infections, at least. He claimed his blood killed all diseases and toxins. Useful.

She eased herself out of bed as quietly as she could. Anna seemed to be sleeping like a log at the moment... Elsa tiptoed over to Jani's ice bed, and sat down on the chair which was still next to it. She had left it for Gerda's use, when she'd been seeing to Jani earlier- he had needed help changing his clothes and re-bandaging his arm.

"You look beautiful", her suitor whispered. He was sat up, cradling his poor arm.

"Oh!" Elsa reddened, realising she was only in her nightdress, and quickly formed a simple outfit to make herself more decent.

"Spoilsport... but were you not cold?" Jani asked, then rolled his eyes. "Oh, right... dumb question."

"I do feel cold. It's just different for me. And I'm so used to it I don't always notice."

"Figures. Still beautiful, kultani."

Jani smiled, bathed in the deep blue twilight distilling through the ice walls which surrounded them. This pavilion, at night- it was like being inside his eyes. God, those eyes...

You entrance me... Elsa had said that, before. What had she meant? How was she able to somehow mean things she said yet did not entirely understand?

"So are you, beautiful boy."

Jani drew his nightshirt around himself a little; Gerda must have taken off his bindings when she'd prepared him for bed, and what were normally only visible on Janna were quite noticeable under the fabric. Very noticeable... focus! Elsa worried she had made him uncomfortable, although the irony of worrying about sensitivity on Jani's behalf was not lost on her.

"What does kultani actually mean?" she asked, opting to change the subject.

"Did I not say?" Jani tutted. "It's 'my gold' or 'my golden one'. Pirates, remember?"

"Yo ho ho?"

"That's the least convincing 'yo ho ho' I've ever heard. Also, we don't ever say that."

"Then surely it's the most convincing you've ever heard."

"Cute. I must be a bad influence. It's how we often say 'darling'- especially to blondes." Elsa's loose hair had draped across Jani's bed as she leant over him. He reached out gently, and ran one of her locks through his fingers. "Although it looks almost silver in this light..."

Elsa smiled. "Gold also means royalty."

"True, your Majesty."

"Jani..." Elsa looked down at his injury. "I know you don't like to fuss."

"A Myrtleman braves fortune's storms, whatever life may bring..."

"What?"

"From The Harlot and the Ring. It's a song."

"A song I want to hear?"

"Not really the time or place. Plus, I'd need a second singer. I'm rambling, aren't I?"

"A bit. Okay..." Elsa tried to regain her train of thought. "Jani, talk to me. Really. You're hurt, and I know it's affected you." She placed her hand on his cheek, and felt him tremble slightly.

"I'll be alright."

Elsa groaned slightly. That big, bad wolf thing again. Boys... "I know you will. You always are. But I'm your..." She didn't know how to complete that sentence. "I want to know how you're feeling now. I care, alright?"

"What I feel?" The crow lord snarled, and glared at his own injury. "Aw, shit..." A tear, glimmering like a blue spark, swelled in the corner of Jani's eye. Elsa dabbed it away.

"Why wasn't I more careful? I should have-" He gritted his teeth as if he was trying not to scream. His eyes brightened, glowing through their lids.

Elsa chose her next words carefully. "Jani, you're only human." He looked at her incredulously. "Yes, I know. But whatever knowledge or skills or abilities you have, you are still finite and fallible. You are only human. And you make mistakes."

Jani thought about it for a minute. "That sounded... is that a quote?"

"No..." Elsa looked at her hands. "Well, not exactly in those words. But it's something Anna keeps telling me. I'm... not very good at dealing with the past."

"So I hear..." Jani frowned. "But you two are fine now, right?"

"Yes, but..." Elsa tried to find expression for her own issues that would make sense to anyone else. "She forgave me right away, for everything. Only I'm still working on forgiving myself."

"Oh Elsa..." Jani looked sympathetically up at her.

"Don't!" Elsa sat up straight. "I mean... sorry... look, at this point you'll say I have to let go. That I can't blame myself forever. And I know." She buried her head in her hands. "I tell myself to let it go. And little by little I do feel more at peace with it. But I can't choose how I feel."

"I know a bit about that..."

"I guess you do." Elsa let a finger slide softly down her companion's cheek. It was so pale and soft... "And... it's okay to be scared, Jani."

His face crumbled. She had been expecting a denial. "I can't feel my fingers, Elsa. What if the bite did something the blood can't fix?"

There it was. Elsa leant down and kissed that perfect cheek. Jani laughed as her hair tickled his face. "If that's what happens, if... then, we deal with it."

"We..."

Elsa paused. No, please don't raise that now...

"Any idea what you'll do about... 'we'... once you're home and dry?"

Elsa shook her head. "Jani, no, I just can't-" Her heart started thumping. "I don't-"

Jani reached out with his good hand and clutched her fingers. "Just breathe. I'm sorry."

That helped a little. Elsa settled her powers down before they could start slipping out of her.

"I just don't know, Jani. I don't know what to do. I wish I could say more."

"No, it was stupid to bring it up-"

"No, it wasn't. It is important, I just... need more time."

Jani considered something. There was always a slight jutting of his chin when he did that, which Elsa found wholly endearing.

"You don't have to worry about me, Elsa. I'll be discreet."

"I know. But-"

"But understand." He looked her in the eye. "I'll court discreetly. I won't live discreetly."

Elsa nodded, understanding perfectly. "I would not ask that."

Jani smiled. "It's okay to be scared, Elsa."

"There you go, using my logic against me. Thanks." She looked back to where her bed and Anna's were. "Why did you call me over, first of all? That was a while ago."

"I could hear you not sleeping." He worried about me? Even like this?

He was still holding her hand. His flesh was hot, vital, in spite of the blood loss. I adore you... Jani didn't repeat those words. He let his touch remind her, leaving Elsa wondering what exactly he had meant- as, perhaps, did Jani himself. Or maybe it was just Elsa who didn't understand herself.

"It's a problem I have." That was understating it. Could she even explain the nightmares if she wanted to? How they'd been getting worse and worse for months? And moreover, did she want Jani thinking her a coward even more than he probably already did? He was so... heroic... and Elsa fundamentally wasn't.

"You seemed to sleep fine in the forest. In spite of it all."

With you beside me.

Elsa blushed, feeling found out. "Yes. I did, didn't I?"

Their eyes met again, and, for a while, they didn't speak, offering each other a look whose significance Elsa could not quite distil into words. Only that it was the sum total of everything they had said, or done for each other up to now, and a tacit promise of more. It was the opposite of loneliness, of accusation, of regret.

Oh, God. He swore himself to me.

How is it that I'm terrified, yet at the same time I've never been less scared of anything that could come against us?

"So, kultani... I'm not asleep, you're not asleep. Whatever are we to do?" Jani winked.

Elsa looked down at their joined hands. She felt she could probably sleep right now if she were certain he'd not let go. But tying themselves together again would look very strange to Anna come the morning.

"I can't play like this. Maybe I won't ever again, I..." Jani stopped himself. "But... I could sing something soothing..."

"If I weren't worried about waking my sister, I'd love that. I've only heard your voice once or twice, and I miss it."

"Anna?" Jani looked over to where her sister was tangled up in her furs and blankets. "I can hear her breathing. She's deep asleep- should be fine."

Elsa beamed. There were worse ends to a rough day than a midnight serenade, even from a sick bed. "Well, then just be careful."

"Uh-uh." Jani shook his head mischievously. "It'll cost you."

Elsa blinked. "Cost me? Cost me what?"

"A kiss."

"Oh..." Elsa raised an eyebrow. "Is that all? I gave you one for free just a moment ago."

"Oh, yes." Deep blue eyes sparkled. A wicked smile tugged at the corner of moist lips. "But I want to give you one back. So, lean in and close your eyes..."

Elsa felt suddenly nervous. Last time Jani had initiated a kiss... well, she'd nearly exploded. He looked at her, and she could tell he saw it in her eyes.

"If you're not sure... it's okay, I shouldn't have-"

"No. It's alright." Elsa smiled, letting his presence reassure her fretful nature. It was Jani. Nothing bad could happen. She had touched him before. She had even frozen him before, a bit, and he'd recovered thanks to his own magic. This was irrational. She had to fight it.

Thirteen years with next to no physical human contact was always bound to have side effects...

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm so weird about this. But if you're still interested, I'd like if we could try a small kiss..."

Jani nodded. "If I'm still interested? Of course I am. And you don't need to feel bad. There's a lot of getting-used-to-each-other still ahead of us."

Elsa blushed. She liked the sound of that. Working together to find what worked. Perhaps Gerda had been right earlier...

She leaned over Jani's face, and closed her eyes. Just the closeness was intoxicating. Besides his usual redolence of pine needles and leather, now the scent of wild flowers was was rising from his smooth skin, his thick, tousled hair... She was having an effect on him...

She heard Jani clear his throat. "With your permission, my lady?"

Silly man... She smirked, unable to keep a straight face. "Permission granted."

His face rose to hers. It helped that she was above... she felt more in control, somehow. Soft lips brushed against hers, hesitant, testing... and then his mouth met hers, and it was just right.

God, he felt wonderful. Like he sensed exactly what she was after... or like he had access to four hundred years of knowledge about kissing girls, at least. She tried to hold in the panic bubbling up inside, like keeping the cork in a champagne bottle by sheer willpower, and enjoy the subtle, sensual movements...

He broke away, ending the kiss. "Voi... that was something. Are you okay up there?"

Elsa realised that she was breathing hard, gasping, and giggled breathlessly. "I... that... oh!... That was a bit intense. But I'm okay. I handled it." She grinned. "Thank you, my sweet. That was extraordinary."

"Likewise, believe me. Thank you, kultani."

Jani can be so sweet... He was thanking her for trusting him, even though it wasn't really his fault she was so neurotic.

Settling back, the crow lord hummed thoughtfully. "So, a lullaby for we glamorous insomniacs to settle down to?"

Absolutely.

Elsa reformed her chair into more of a couch, and reclined on her side, facing Jani in his bed, hand still firmly in hand. She hoped she looked suitably romantic in this pose.

"Something... soothing..." She yawned, shifting slightly to get comfortable. It wasn't going to take much for her to drift off...

Then Jani began to hum a fine old tune. It was warm and gentle and lazy, like honey and warm evenings. After a minute, he started to sing in his Marsher tongue. The tune seemed soft and tender, yet somehow bittersweet...

"What does it... mean...", she mumbled.

Jani shushed her, with a smile, and carried on. So she just listened. Soon comfort softened into oblivion, and she slipped away into a perfect, dreamless sleep...

. .


. .

Jani stopped for a moment and gazed at the still face of the Queen. A loose lock of blonde hair had fallen across her cheek, aglow in the twilight; now it swayed back and forth with her every soft, silent breath.

Asleep already. Was that a complement or a slight? Didn't matter, if he could see her like this. At peace...

With a deep sigh, he continued the song, just a little above a whisper.

. .

"There are maids there whose looks entrance

But she'd never spare them a glance.

Ah my love, my golden one-

Still you will not come...

. .

She'd never change, nor be untrue,

Abandon me for someone new.

I wait at the shore for her return

My eyes grow dim

But no...

I do not learn...

... .

My lover's looks are cool as ice

Her voice, her lips- as warm as spice.

Ah my love, my golden one-

Still you will not come...

. .

Perhaps some tempest stirs the seas

And so she waits for a fairer breeze

I wait in the dark for your return

The days grow short

But no...

When will I learn?

... .

Summer is ending, the autumn is near

I wait for my lover, she still isn't here.

Ah my love, my golden one-

Still you will not come...

. .

Come back my darling, come home today

A curse on whatever still keeps you away.

I watch as the flames of sunset burn

Their fire fades

But no...

When will I learn?"

. .

He paused, suddenly self-conscious. No, no one was listening now.

Anna was still snoring like a bear, which was no doubt comforting to the cub in her arms. Elsa slept, as with all else, perfectly composed. She didn't snore, and had managed to slump unconscious against the divan she'd made elegantly. How did she do it? Even the disarranged hair falling across her face, her neck, her slender shoulders... it look planned, like in an old portrait.

Having satisfied himself that she was entirely asleep, he carried on.

. .

"There is my lover, lingering

Lost in the shade of the sunken king.

Ah my love, my golden one-

Still you have not come...

. .

Why do you tarry, oh light of my life?

Sail back to Myrtle and make me your wife.

I pray in the cold for your return

My body aches

But no...

I'll never learn."

. .

Was he deluding himself? Was it really possible? Would she ever...

Put it from your mind. Let what she can offer be enough for now.

Jani had a lot on his mind. Exhausted, hurt, and drained, but glad of how the evening had ended, he soon followed Elsa into the soothing dark of sleep.

. .


. .

When Anna was awoken by a hungry bear cub, early the next morning, she found them both asleep, dozing side by side.

Elsa's hand still resting in that of her suitor...

. .


. .

Notes: Well, that was mostly fluff. But therapeutic for everyone, I think.

I've been fairly productive these past few weeks. Just to forewarn everyone, I may not be so productive over the coming month. I'm away for a while in the last week of January, and in February I'm working extra hours, so it's hard to say how much writing I'll fit in. There's more story to come, though, so don't worry. Lots more.