Wednesday 6th November 2013

"Hi Hannah." I whisper quietly, I feel silly talking to a grave but I need my best friend right now. "How's heaven?" I laugh at my own lame attempt at a joke trying to keep back the stinging of my tears. "I just hope being here and talking to you will give me some clarity. I want to help Luke, but he won't let me and I don't know how to get him to let me. He's bad Han', he can't handle losing you but baby Hannah needs her Daddy, Christian and I adore her but she's a fussy baby, it's like she knows something, she's unsettled and in a strange environment. We're doing our best though, she's loved I promise. Luke's fragile… he has refused to go to Fairfax but that may not be a bad thing right? Apparently he's doing good, he's coming out of hospital today but I don't think he's ready to go home, I want him close, I want him to come stay with Christian and I… do you think he would? We could help him with Hannah, get him back on his feet and when he's ready he's free to go home. I just need him to be safe…, I feel like I lost both of you the night you died, he's not my best friend anymore… he's a shell of who he was when you were alive… I miss you."

I wipe away my tears as I walk away, afraid if I stand any longer my legs will buckle and I have baby Hannah in my arms who needs me standing and stable. My next stop is the hospital to collect Luke, I'm hoping he'll take me and Christian up on our offer of coming to stay with us… we just want to take care of him and help him but I'm worried he won't see it that way.

I can't begin to fathom what he's going through, I keep closing my eyes and trying to put myself in his shoes but the thoughts of Christian dying… it's like someone puts a knife in my heart and twists, the pain is so indescribable…

As we get back to the car Christian takes Hannah from me and places her in the car seat while I climb into the passenger seat, we're using one of the SUV's because I can't get into the R8 anymore and the Yaris has gone for good… I miss that car…

"Ok?" Christian asks as he climbs into the driver's seat beside me. I nod weakly and wipe the solitary tear that I let slip from my eye.

"He has to let us help him." I tell my husband, desperate for him to understand what I'm feeling.

"I know, we'll do what we can baby but there's only so much that we can do." Christian says as he rubs my shoulder, he doesn't understand my pain, he tries too, I don't think he tried this hard when my Mom died… I guess he had some feelings of friendship for Hannah by the time she died, I know he shed some tears but he says it was for my pain, he was hurting seeing me hurting but I'm not so sure, I think he misses her just as much as I do.

"Let's go." I say buckling up and adjusting the belt over my bump earning a swift kick from James Theo, he hates the pressure from the seat belt but Christian would have heart failure if I dared not wear it.

We drive in silence to the hospital, Hannah falling asleep, lulled there by the car's engine. She's really not sleeping enough and Christian and I are taking it in turns with Carrie to be up with her, especially Christian, he wants me getting plenty of rest because of James Theo so I understand why he's doing it but I also think he's trying to really be there for the innocent child that did nothing to deserve this horrible beginning to her life… and if anyone knows a horrible beginning to life it's Christian.

When we arrive at the ward where Luke has been held for the past three days we can hear him way before we see him. He's furious about something and Christian hands me the baby and steps in front of me in a form of protection.

"Luke man what's going on?" He asks as he steps into Luke's private room leaving me in the doorway.

"I signed the fucking papers over an hour ago and these fuckers won't let me go."

"They won't discharge you and let you leave alone, we told them we'd pick you up but we got caught in traffic." Christian says nodding his head towards me and giving me a signal to enter.

"Hi Luke." I say giving him a shy smile, I don't know what type of reception I'm going to get off him, his silence the last time I saw him near killed me.

"Hi Ana." He smiles wider as he looks at the baby in my arms. "Can I?" He asks pushing himself to standing.

"Of course, she's your daughter and I think she's missed you." I smile already passing the bundle over.

He relaxes in front of me, Hannah stirs and wakes and when her eyes fall on Luke, I would almost swear she smiled.

"Hi baby girl Daddy missed you." He says and I look at Christian, my eyes telling him that the man here in front of us is more my best friend than the man who was bought in here three days ago.

"Luke, we were thinking maybe you could come stay with us for a bit, till you're settled and back on your feet."

"I don't need a baby sitter." Luke growls towards my husband.

"We know that Luke." I say rolling my eyes, I need him to see that's not why we're offering. "Just maybe you would like a few days or a week or so with us where Carrie can help you with Hannah and you can get into a routine before going home. We have really struggled with Hannah, she's a bit fussy but we think that's because she missed you. We just want to help, be there if you want us."

"Not make sure I'm no longer suicidal?" Luke almost sounds childlike as he asks, his dark eyes are intense as they hook on mine. I hope my look back gives him everything he needs, no, I don't think he's going to attempt suicide again because if he did, I think next time he'd be successful… he's just use his gun… "Sure, maybe just a few days. I appreciate that."

Thank fuck for that, at least we're getting somewhere.

"Then let's go." Christian says grabbing the bag from the bed, you're all signed out and I'll have Gail make sure there's a decent meal and a coffee for you by the time we get home, hospital food even in a private ward is inedible."

Christian's joke actually makes Luke laugh and it's almost everything I need to believe that my best friend will be ok eventually. I look up to the ceiling as the men walk from the room, and I send a silent prayer of thanks to Hannah, for being by my side while I did this and for being by Luke's to help him agree to it. Even from beyond the grave she's with us.