...hi guys. First, let me start off by addressing the elephant in the room. It's been almost three months. For someone who used to update weekly, that's just not like me. I am so sorry. I never intended to be gone this long, but I started college this year, so August went by way too quickly in a whirlwind of shopping, and then September was me adjusting and trying to find my way in this new chapter of my life. I've been working on this chapter bit by bit, and I wanted to post today because today is exactly one year since I posted the first chapter. One year and 48 chapters later, this story has blossomed into something I never would've expected and I am so grateful for all your love and support. Thank you.

Trigger warnings - anxiety, panic attacks, suicide, and depression.


"Any particular reason you wanted to come today?"

Eddie glances at Jerome, looks from his bouncing knee to his shaking hands in confusion. He insisted on accompanying him to his therapy session today, not saying anything more and not taking no for an answer.

"I needa talk to Raven," Jerome replies in a whisper. He doesn't say more and Eddie falls silent, taking the hint. He's trying not to pry as not to make Jerome anymore uncomfortable, but it's hard to just sit back and watch as he seemingly self-destructs right in front of him.

"Alright boys, here you are."

Eddie thanks the driver and follows Jerome up the front walk. He stands to the side and lets Jerome ring the doorbell. His heart still picks up speed whenever he comes here. It's so stupid. He shouldn't be this worried about encountering one of Lucas' kids or his wife. New people shouldn't scare him this much.

It's just the anticipation that really fucks him up. That's one of the things he wants to talk to Lucas about.

The door swings open, and just his luck, Lucas isn't standing behind it. Jerome's reaction, the way he perks up and steps forward to hug the woman in the doorway, makes Eddie think she must be Lucas' wife. He recognizes her from pictures on Lucas' desk. Her hair is longer and straightened, but her face is the same.

"Babe, hey, you okay?" She catches Jerome in a tight embrace and runs a hand through his hair the way a mother would. Eddie shifts awkwardly and shoves his hands in his pockets, trying to hear what Jerome says but not get too close.

Jerome nods into her shoulder. He mumbles something that Eddie doesn't catch and Raven smiles, stepping back, leading him into the house.

"Eddie, you can go on down to Lu's office," she calls. "He's already there."

Eddie steps into the house hesitantly. Whatever Jerome needs to talk about must be important if it's shot to the top of Raven's priority list. He makes his way down the hall and into the basement in a daze. He can't figure it out. What could possibly be wrong? He cares about Jerome and the idea of something wrecking him this much is scary.

"Oh hey Eddie," Lucas says, as he takes a seat on one of the couches. "Sorry, I got caught up in emails. How's your week been? How was your first real Christmas?"

Eddie shrugs and picks at a loose string on one of the cushions. "I walked in on Patricia about to swallow a bottle of pills and I don't know how to feel."

"You stopped her?"

He nods. "Yeah, but I don't…what's stopping her from doing it again? Like, when I'm not there to catch her? She could leave me any second and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it."

Lucas nods. "That's the hard part about being with someone who's suicidal. The fear's always gonna be there. And you'll be paranoid for a while. But eventually you realize that living in fear doesn't help."

"But what the hell do I do?" Eddie mutters. "We talked about it, she said she wants to do it less 'cause of me, but that's not…it's not a guarantee. S'not enough."

"One conversation isn't gonna fix all your problems," Lucas tells him. "Talk to her again. And one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to have a real conversation. None of the lovey shit. It's sweet, but it's not gonna fix things. Love isn't enough. She won't talk herself off a ledge because you love her. Hell, tell your housemother to gimme a call and get her in here if you're that worried. You can't cross your fingers and hope your love is enough to save her because it's not."


"Mick no, I don't want-"

Joy protests feebly, trying to squirm her way out of Mick's iron hold. He drapes an arm across her chest and holds her in place on his lap, pressing his lips to the shell of her ear. "We needa talk, Joy."

"No we don't," Joy argues. She doesn't want to talk. She already knows what they're gonna be talking about, and she's tired of it. She's tired of the entire house looking at her like she's a monster. They have no fucking idea what they're talking about. They're not the ones who had to deal with Patricia all of last year. They don't know. And until they do, they don't get an opinion. "I already did this, with Alfie. You can ask him."

Mick rolls his eyes. "I'm not asking Alfie what's going on with my girlfriend. I know you, Joy. I know what you've been through. I know how bad last year was. I was there for most of it. I just wanna know what you're feelin'. I want you to talk to me. M'not tryna grill you or anything, I promise."

She loves him. She loves him so much her heart could burst. He always knows just what to say, just how to make her smile when it seems impossible. Tears are burning at the corners of her eyes and she's forcing a sob back, choking on the lump built up in her throat. "I just…"

She starts crying before she can get anything else out, turning her head to press her face into Mick's chest. He pulls her close and starts to rub her back. His touch is grounding. His hold is protective. He is the one person she can count on and she's never been more grateful. He's the one person who's stuck by her, through everything, and there's nothing she'll ever be able to do to pay him back for it.

"No one gets it," she hiccups. "No one understands what I went through last year. It was so hard. She made me feel so shitty. And I was suffocated I felt so fucking trapped with all those horrible thoughts it was horrible I didn't know what to do. I can't handle her getting bad again, I can't."

"I know," Mick murmurs. "But it's not your job, love. It's not your job to take care of her. If her depression gets bad again she'll have to deal with it. And hey, the bright side of her dating Eddie is she has him to help her out. You're off the hook."

"He's just as bad as her," Joy shoots back. "If not worse. How's he supposed to tell her not to kill herself when he wants to blow his own brains out? It won't work! Don't you get it? They won't work!"

"You needa breathe, baby," Mick instructs gently. "You can't work yourself up like this. It's not good for you. You're taking on too many of their problems and it's gonna wreck you all over again. You can't keep doin' this."

"I don't know how to stop," she sobs. "I don't know what to do."

"I gotcha," Mick says. "I'm here and I'm never leavin', okay? We'll get through this, I promise."


"Is Jerome okay?"

The voice startles her. She jumps, whipping her head up to stare at Alfie. "What?"

Alfie rubs a hand over his face and drops down on the edge of her bed, arms splayed out and voice muffled by the mattress. "He doesn't look good. And I've been shit recently so he hasn't said anything to me. Has he talked to you?"

"No," Mara says slowly. "But now that you mention it…I see what you mean."

She does. The difference isn't too staggering but it's definitely there. He's distant, slightly standoffish. He seems to be on edge all the time, jumping at the slightest touch and retreating to his room whenever possible.

"Did somethin' happen?" Alfie asks. "I don't…I've been so wrapped up in everything with Amber, fuck, m'horrible."

"You're not horrible," Mara replies. "It's okay to take care of yourself. It's okay to put yourself first."

"But Jerome isn't!" Alfie exclaims. "He's been putting me first. It's how he's always been. He puts everyone else before himself and it gets to be too much for him and he has a breakdown. He's been amazin', with this Amber thing, and I've been such a dick."

"There's no use blaming yourself," Mara says. "If something is really wrong, we can't waste time with it. We need to find out what's bothering him."

"That's why I came here," Alfie agrees. "I thought you'd know something."

"I don't." Mara closes her textbook and flips her notebooks shut. "But we can find out. He's at therapy with Eddie. We have an hour before they get back."

"You wanna search his side of the room?" Alfie assumes. At her nod, he shrugs. "I dunno…what if he finds out?"

"Do you have a better idea?" Mara deadpans. "He's not gonna tell us. We have to find out ourselves."

She stands and holds out a hand to him. "Are you in or not?"

He hesitates. Mara knows he's conflicted. On one hand, his best friend's privacy is necessary. They're already a bit rocky, so she can see why he's unsure. But they're not gonna find out anything from Jerome, so this is their only option.

Alfie grabs her hand and pulls himself off the bed. "I'm in."


"Sweetheart, you gotta breathe. I can't understand a word you're saying. Take some deep breaths, calm down, and then say it."

Jerome's chest heaves as he pants, hands on his knees and head down. He thought coming here would help, having the closest thing he's ever had to a mother would help, but it isn't. His heart is still racing, his stomach is still churning, and he still feels like he can't breathe. The combination is paralyzing.

"M-my…sister…" He gets out, trying to keep his voice steady. "Need your hel-help…"

"Lu told me," Raven says. She kneels in front of him and lifts his chin. "What can I do, babe? What do you need?"

"Needa find her," Jerome whispers. "I don't-don't know how…"

"Okay, we can do that." She shoots him a smile and reaches forward to brush hair out of his eyes. "We can do that. But you need to breathe for me, okay? Panicking won't help."

"I didn't…didn't know." Every time he thinks he's calmed down his mind goes back to the sister he never fucking knew about and the panic comes flooding back. His breathing returns to normal and then quickens in minutes. It's hot and cold and it's exhausting and he's done with it.

"You're still trying to process," Raven supplies. "That's okay. I can make the calls and google some things, you just focus on getting through it, okay? That's all you need to do."

"My dad," Jerome says. "He wanted me to find her. Said…they took her away when he got arrested. I don't even- she could be anywhere! She could've gone to a family that beats her! She could be dead!"

There it is. His worst nightmare, out in the open for everyone to hear. His sister could be dead. She could've died without knowing she had a biological brother. His stomach turns.

"Jerome, babe-"

"I-I'm gonna be sick."

Raven rushes to grab a trashcan and barely thrusts it into his hands before he's vomiting, eyes squeezed shut, tears streaming down his cheeks. Everything hurts. It hurts so much and he doesn't know what to do and he's losing Alfie and his sister might be dead and everyone else has problems and it's all just way too fucking much.

He's tired and everything is spinning and the nausea still hasn't subsided and someone is shaking him and he's trying to focus but everything is blurry and he can't see and black spots are invading his vision and he wants to go to sleep he needs to go to sleep sleepsleepsleep.

He doesn't remember anything else.


Thoughts? Interesting things are coming, that I am sure of. Once again, I am so sorry for being gone so long. I hope the chapter makes up for it. I can't thank you guys enough for the love and support you've given me; it's been the sole motivation for me to keep writing. Thank you.

Next chapter, Alfie and Mara find something they definitely weren't expecting, Patricia and Eddie have a genuine conversation about what happened and what they're gonna do about Joy, and Joy...approaches Patricia, only for it to end just as badly as she expected. Oh, and if I can, I'll squeeze in a cute Fabina scene to make up for all the angst.

I don't know when the next chapter will be posted, but if you could review, that would really give me motivation to write it quicker.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed.