Vin stared down at the plate of food in his lap. He prodded his mind to identify and record what it was before he ate it, but the process felt like a train trying to go uphill.
Roast beef. Finally registered. Potatoes, broccoli, carrots and gravy. Once the information had been filed appropriately in his memory, he began to eat. He was sitting out on the deck, leaning against the railing. He wanted the air and he wanted the shadows cast by the light shining through the sliding glass doors.
He didn't feel like eating, but his hands were shaking and not from cold, so he figured maybe he ought to eat. His face felt as hot as if he was standing too close to a fire and, even with eating, his mouth was dry and he didn't taste anything. The door slid open behind him and Buck came out. He sat near Vin on the top step, and set a glass of ice tea next to him.
"How're you doing?"
"I wish I was dead."
Instead of chiding him, or expressing dismay, Buck put his hand on Vin's shoulder and gave a squeeze.
"I can understand you feeling that way. I expect it's normal. I'd be worried if everything was hunky dory. How're you feeling other than that? I heard you fell at work."
"Nathan pushed me." Vin said. He felt Buck stiffen, and he looked up into an angry face. "No, not exactly." He added, recognizing Buck's "war path" look. "He was tugging me to go to the clinic, when I pulled away I fell…"
"I'll go with the first answer anyway." Buck told him. "He oughtta know better."
"Hmmph." Vin drank some ice tea. "You're in that frame a'mind, you could start with Rain. She's got as much compassion as an iceberg." He finished all the ice tea in a few more swallows.
"You want me to put the fear of God into them now, or wait until the opportunity presents itself?" Buck was dead serious, Vin could tell. He almost said, do it now.
"I still have to see them, s'pose it wouldn't do any good to rile 'em."
"There's other doctors in the world Vin. Remember that. There's other everything in the world." He took the glass from Vin. "You want me to get you some more ice tea?"
"Yeah, thanks." But then he thought about it. "Wait, no. No thanks. I don't want anymore."
Halfway to standing up, Buck sat back down.
"Dehydrating yourself isn't going to help." He said gently.
"Then what the hell is going to help?" Vin demanded. "Because I sure am tired of feeling this way." He didn't mean to snap, but he felt like there was just so much coming at him at once that he couldn't sort it all out.
"Well…" Buck rested his elbows on his knees. "I'd say that first you have to understand what you're feeling, and then why you're feeling it. You have to understand what you can control and don't beat yourself up over what you can't control. Being attacked this way gives you a whole lot more buttons for people to not even know they're pushing. You gotta pay attention, and you gotta remember to cut some people - including yourself - some slack."
Vin paid close attention to what Buck said. It made sense. It seemed to make sense. It made him feel better anyway.
"You sound like you been through this yourself." he said, before he realized what he was implying.
"No." Buck shook his head. He sounded serious, and in no way insulted. "I haven't."
"So - is Chris staying away from me on purpose?" Vin asked, gesturing over his shoulder.
"Naah, first he took your bag back upstairs, then the washer was making a funny noise, now Mary's got him looking at a worry sore on Cowboy's back leg..."
"Life surely does go on..." Vin took another few bites of food.
"Is it Chris you don't want to see?" Buck asked. He still had the empty glass in his hand.
"No. It's me I don't want Chris to see. I can't keep making him -" Vin didn't want to reveal too much, but Buck already knew pretty much everything else. "- take care of me, pick up after me, clean up after me..."
"And just how do you think you're making Chris take care of you?" Buck asked. Vin thought about it, he knew there was a simple answer, if only he could think of it.
"Don't argue with me Buck, I'm too tired."
"Okay." Buck gave Vin's shoulder a light shove with his own. "I'll get you some more tea."
"Okay, thanks..."
Buck went into the house. Vin wasn't surprised when it was who Chris brought the tea back out.
"How're you doing?" Chris asked, echoing Buck's question, and taking his spot on the top step. Vin wouldn't give him the answer he'd given Buck.
"Not hunky dory, in case that was one of my options...thanks..." Vin took the glass and drank some tea. "Buck said Cowboy's got a sore leg?"
"Yeah, for some reason this time of year, he gets to licking his back leg 'til he puts a sore on it. After awhile, he stops. Until next year. We've tried everything, short of putting one of those big stupid collars on him."
"Chris –." Vin wasn't sure how to broach the subject with him, but he wanted Chris' opinion. "You think maybe I need to see somebody? Talk to somebody about – what happened?"
"No." Chris' tone left no question. "You don't need to have some overpaid, overeducated, pompous blowhard poking around inside of your brain, telling you things you already know, and making up everything else to suit her agenda. You know what happened, we know what happened. Yeah, it may take awhile to sort through it all, but I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"
"Okay." Vin was actually comforted by Chris' stand. He didn't want to go talk to somebody, and if Chris said he didn't have to, then he didn't have to. "I guess maybe I shouldn't take painkillers and muscle relaxants together anymore."
"I'm only worried that you'll take too many and stop breathing. That's the only thing I'm worried about. Anything else Vin - anything else we can take care of. There's nothing else that can't be cleaned up, straightened up, or put back together. Okay?"
"Okay."
*/*/*/*
Buck sat down at the kitchen table across from Mary. She had a very distressed look on her face.
"You want t'talk about it?" Buck asked. Billy was in the front room, watching "101 Dalmatians".
"He was raped, wasn't he?" Her question caught Buck off guard. He started to answer, decided he shouldn't, then tried to figure out if maybe he should. "It's Chris I'm worried about." She went on. "As long as he has something constructive to do, as long as he's helping Vin or at least feels like he's helping, he'll be okay. But if there ever comes a time when he feels like he isn't helping, or there isn't anything he can do – Buck you remember what happened with Steve. I don't want Chris to go through that again."
"Mary – Vin's okay. I'm mean, he's going through normal trauma with this, but there's still a pattern and a process we can look out for. This isn't like mental illness where everything can be off the map."
"You know how Chris can be."
"I know. It's his way or no way, most of the time. But Mary - Chris is in "protective mode" right now, and right now Vin needs that. When he needs less, he'll let Chris know. It may come to buttin' heads maybe, but that'll be a good thing too. It'll mean Vin is getting his strength back, physical and otherwise." Mary nodded, but he could still see the worry in her face. "And anyway, while Chris is watching Vin's back – you know I'm watching Chris'."
*/*/*/*
Chris sat with Vin a long while. After Vin was done with dinner, and Chris took his plate and glass into the kitchen, they sat in the Adirondack chairs and stared out into the darkness, and didn't say anything. It'd been a long day and if – as Chris suspected might happen – Vin decided he didn't want to go back to bed, it might turn out to be a long night too. Buck had gone home, Mary was watching videos with Billy, and Chris was trying to figure out what to do tomorrow about Vin and work. He didn't want to leave him alone, and he didn't want to put him through another day like today.
"Josiah might be calling later on." Vin said, after awhile. "Thought I might see if he'd want me to come over tomorrow and work on his sink…hell, work on his whole kitchen…it'd give me someplace to be."
"What do you want to do, Vin?"
"I don't know. Work was OK today as long as I was with you. And that's a hell of a way for a grown man to get any work done."
"It's just natural you'd feel safer around a friend." Chris said. Vin gave a laugh.
"Gee, being around Ezra and JD sure didn't make me feel safer." He didn't sound like he was being sarcastic; he was smiling. "And Nathan sure has a way of making a person feel safe that should come with armor…" The food and the sleep must have made him feel better, which Chris was grateful for. "Hate to make you feel like you're stuck with me Chris, that's all. I figure I'd feel safe with Josiah too, and you could get your work done."
"I'm bound to be stuck in a Board Meeting all day tomorrow." Chris said. "Doubt I'll get any work done anyway. If you want, you can stay home tomorrow, get your work emails on our computer. Take care of things that way."
"What do you think I should do?" Vin asked, and Chris thought about it.
"I'd rather you stuck with me."
to be continued
