~~~AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was originally like 4000 words when it was finished. I decided to "just check it over" and ended up adding 2,500 more. Yikes.
Enjoy!~~~
Adam:
A few days passed since I basically became homeless. The funny thing about that was that it was the least of my problems. I just spent all day wandering around outside like a zombie with no idea where he was going or why he was going there. The occasional bump in the road came at night when the streets were dangerous and I had no safe haven to return to.
My biggest concern was still Sauli. If I was to guess, I'd say it'd been maybe four days since I'd been kicked out of the hospital? And for the past few days, I'd find my way to the hospital in attempt to just check if Sauli was alive, which I was almost certain he wasn't, but I couldn't help the desperate need to make sure. However, the closest I could get to the place was crouching in some bushes nearby. I could never even get to the fucking front doors because of all the beefy security guards looming around at every entrance and pathway. I knew perfectly well that it was all for me. They'd never been there before I'd been chased out.
But today… there was no one.
I'd almost given up and stopped coming because there was no way they'd let Sauli live this long. Maybe they had no point in guarding anymore because Sauli was gone? Or maybe they stopped because they thought I'd given up or disappeared somewhere? Whatever. It didn't really matter what the reason was. I just wasn't going to let this opportunity go to waste.
I was dressed pretty normally compared to my normal attire: simple blue jeans, white shirt, and a black jacket. You know… the works. I made sure my arms were covered… I didn't need to scare anyone. I didn't want to stand out at all. I needed to be as ordinary and unrecognizable as possible if I was to pull this off.
I felt jittery as I approached the front doors, looking around quickly. I felt like someone was going to appear out of nowhere and tackle me. And hey, it wasn't my paranoia this time. There were probably… likely… maybe security guards staked out in hidden places just waiting for me to strike… Okay, I was being paranoid. Whatever.
The smell of sanitizer slapped me like a Dakota the moment I walked into the lobby. Ugh, it always made me woozy. I was jumpy as fuck as I crossed the waiting room and people looked up at me in curiosity. I was practically waiting for someone to start screaming and calling out for security, but… no one did. I tried not to glare at anyone's annoyingly tentative expressions.
I made my way over to the front desk, heart starting to skip a few beats as I did so. I tried to look relaxed as I approached the desk, but the presence of the entire hospital made me uneasy. It felt like death. I took a deep breath and tuned everything but my goal out. The receptionist looked like a naïve, lonely teenager who didn't get much attention from the male crowd. That was of course an assumption and I was pretty good at those… Sauli not included. Shut up. I hadn't been completely wrong about him, right?
As soon as I saw her, I leaned over the desk onto my elbows, put on a small smirk, and waited. Completely oblivious, she didn't even notice me standing there for a several seconds. This might be easier than I'd thought. I cleared my throat gently. The moment the receptionist looked up at me, her brown eyes widened. For a second, I thought she'd been informed of me and recognized me, but nope, she just looked nervous, like she'd never seen a young male before. I was so going to take advantage of her mousiness.
"I'm here for a patient, Sauli Koskinen?" With effort, my voice was smooth and silky.
I tried my best to throw as much fake charm as I could into how I talked. It was pretty funny and it sounded ridiculous to me, but it seemed to work. Were girls really this easy and I'd never noticed? They seemed to be more intimidated by me than I'd ever been by them.
The pretty receptionist's mouth popped open just slightly. She blinked several times at my face and looked awestruck. I had never understood how I could be appealing to anyone, and I still didn't get it. How some people found me attractive in the slightest was beyond me. I waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. She blinked again and her eyes came into focus.
"Um, y-yes," she stammered as she looked around her desk like she didn't know where she was. "Let me check for you."
Her hands shook slightly as she typed into her keyboard. I watched, bemused. Her eyes scanned the screen as she scrolled. Her brow furrowed and she bit her lip, looking slightly confused. I started getting a bit nervous just watching her expressions, but I tried to keep my face smooth. After a couple moments, she peered up at me.
"There seems to be nothing in the current list of admitted patients for a Mr. Kus-keen-een…?"
I felt my charismatic mask crack slightly. I started to tremble a little. I took my arms off the counter and hid them behind me so it wouldn't show. While trying to look as calm as possible, I swallowed the aching lump in my throat.
I nearly croaked as I asked, "Are you sure you spelled it right? K-O-S-K-I-N-E-N…?" I spelled it slowly out and desperately.
The receptionist nodded with every letter I gave her and then shook her head at me again. "No, sorry, he's not in the patient list. Maybe he checked out?"
My voice came out in a whisper, struggling to talk. "Yes, probably," I lied and pushed off of the counter. "Thank you for your time."
I felt foggy and sick. My stomach churned. He was really gone…
"S-sir, are you alright?" The receptionist sounded muffled to my ears. "If you'd like, I can check the check-out list?"
Hah, like that would make a difference. There was no way he would ever check out. As if by some miracle, he woke up. Even if he did, how could he leave so soon? Didn't that shit take time to recover? Wouldn't he have mental problems? If he was still here or even alive, he would be in that patient list, but he's not.
I was about to tell her to go ahead and check just to humor her, but before I could get a word out, I was interrupted.
"HEY!"
I whipped around to the sound of the gruff voice. My heart sank as I saw a stocky security guard marching toward me.
Shit! I was spotted.
Adrenaline kicked in and I quickly glanced around at everyone's startled faces. They were going to get a scene if I didn't get out of here now.
The guard rushed to grab me, but he only managed to pinch a bit of my shirt before I spun around and smacked him hard in the face with side of my hand, sending him stumbling a few feet back. Weak fucker. People in the waiting room gasped, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see the receptionist press the panic alert button under her desk. Shit, now everyone knew I was here. I threw her something between a sad look and a glare before I bolted out of the room. I barrelled out the front doors like a runaway train.
It wasn't a total disaster. At least I got the information I went there for.
I sprinted as fast as my legs would carry me, blindly running as far as I could. After just a few minutes, my heart was thrashing and I was gasping for air. I was so out of shape. It wasn't my fault though. It wasn't like you could exercise when your body was constantly damaged. After I was sure I wasn't being chased by anyone, I slowed down and walked the painstakingly long way from the hospital to the clearing in the park close by the school where I'd come out to Sauli. This was the place I stayed every night. I couldn't think of anywhere better. Here, I felt closer to him.
No one bothered coming here at night except for the weekends when the college kids would come out to drink. There happened to be rogue beer bottles and cigarettes in the most random places. The wildlife never bothered me either. Maybe they were intimidated by me? Yeah right. Since Sauli, I wouldn't be able to mildly frighten a small child during a horror movie if I wanted to.
I just wished the nights weren't so cold and lonely. I didn't have a blanket or a pillow, and my neck felt like it would be permanently stiff. But, sleeping on the ground was definitely something I could deal with for now though. I had bigger issues ahead.
I had nightmares every night. They weren't anything specific and there were no doppelgangers of myself… that I could remember, but I'd still jolt awake in the middle of the night with a cold sweat and panting from terror. I thought maybe the cause for these were from my molestation. That whole scarring experience left me agitated and nervous all the time. I became much more suspicious and wary of everyone. I constantly tried to recover and tell myself that it was over and that none of it was my fault, but I doubted I ever would completely heal because I found myself shaking every night, and not just from the night air, but from the fear. I was always terrified that someone would just jump out of nowhere and hurt me more. I couldn't handle more. And I didn't even want to describe the aftermath of the abuse to my crotch… it still made me cringe in pain every time I brushed against it, but at least that would heal soon.
I arrived in the very same spot where Sauli and I'd been together.
I sank down into the long grass, exactly where I'd sat before. I stared for a long time at where Sauli'd begged me to talk to him. I tried to imagine him right there, just like before. I longed to reach out and pull him to me; to inhale his familiar scent; to tell him how much I loved him; to never let go of him… but I knew I'd just grab air. He wasn't here. He never would be again.
Tears were flowing down my face endlessly and I hadn't even noticed, yet I didn't feel completely anguished and broken. I didn't know what to feel. It's like I didn't yet understand that he's dead. The loss just wouldn't sink in. It refused to, and that bothered me greatly. I wasn't denying that Sauli was dead, but that whole idea wouldn't settle in and take over for some reason, even though I wanted it to. It should. I should feel destroyed that my other half was dead. But all I could do was sit here blankly. Why couldn't I sense it the very moment he died? I thought I'd feel it immediately. Lovers were supposed to be like that. Were we not as close as I thought? I didn't understand.
I sat completely still and continued to stare quietly ahead for what seemed like forever. The random tears stopped a while ago. I ended up thinking horrid things to myself to the point of depression where I couldn't even cry my pain away, but the lump in my throat seemed to last. The nagging thought in my head that Sauli was dead was the only glimmer of feeling left. There were no emotions I could access to soothe me. I couldn't feel. I felt like a statue; an emotionless shell.
Admittedly, I did think about suicide… mostly because I felt obligated to. The empty feeling was worse than sobbing in despair for my loss. I couldn't live with this hollowness. Sauli'd brought emotions back to me, and now that he was gone, they seemed to follow. I didn't want that. I liked being human. Without Sauli… I just couldn't deal anymore. How was I supposed to just be a soulless bag of bones that wandered around aimlessly? Look at what my life had truly become.
There was absolutely nothing left to live for.
What did I have? I should have done it a long time ago… before I'd met Sauli… That way, neither of us would have had to live and die through this. He would have continued life as perfectly as it'd appeared. He would have graduated with the highest GPA, gone to university, made something of himself, gotten married to a nice girl, had a few kids... The way it was supposed to be; the way I could never have. And I could have escaped my father by ending it right then when I'd first had the thought, instead selfishly of dragging the one person who meant anything to me down into my mess.
All the quick ways to end it swirled around in my head… but I realized I didn't want it to be quick. I wanted myself to suffer for everything I'd done to Sauli. I deserved the agony. I deserved it for tainting and destroying a life that had so much potential. It needed to be slow and excruciating. At least that way, I could feel again before I left the world. Pain was a sensation. I was desperate for some sort of feeling.
The thought of stabbing myself in the gut and wrists and letting myself bleed out slowly came to me in an alarmingly casual manner. I seemed to have no problem with it, like I was noting the weather or something.
Wobbling, I slowly stood up and waited a moment to assure my balance. I left the clearing and looked around for anything sharp enough to do damage. I was about to step into the heavily tree-crowded forest in my search, but my feet wouldn't carry me any further in that direction. Just looking at the density of the forest was making me dizzy. The thought of being raped again kept unwantedly jabbing into my head.
I shook the crude thoughts away and turned on my heel to walk away before it got worse. I continued searching. I found a couple of jagged rocks that could potentially be useful, but were they enough to kill me?
Eventually, I found a beer bottle just lying around as if waiting for me to find it. Too easy… it was like the world was just asking me to do it. I leaned down and slowly wrapped my fingers around the neck of the bottle, feeling my stomach twist as I did so. I waited about two beats and then swung it at the tree next to me. Glass shattered and shards flew out everywhere. Random pieces cut into my gripping hand. I cringed, but didn't bother trying to avoid the rest of the flying glass. All that was left in my grasp was the long neck of the bottle with long, jagged, and lethal ends.
I straightened out again, taking in deep breaths. I stared hard at the weapon in my bloody hand. Crimson dripped from my clenched fingers and stained the grass by my feet. The big pieces had cut deep without much effort. Perfect. I felt small stinging pains on my face and neck where tiny shards had sliced into me.
Strangely, as eager as I was to do this, I felt my cheeks drenched as I headed back to the clearing. Why was I crying? I didn't feel sad about this; I couldn't. But the tears turned into sobs and the broken bottle felt heavy in my aching hand.
I entered the clearing. There was nowhere I'd rather die than the place where the changes in my life had started. Hopefully someone would find me eventually. I sighed brokenly and took off my shirt. I glared blankly at my stomach. My bruises had faded to the point where they were barely-there splotches of yellow… I'd never noticed how much I healed... I'd been too busy deteriorating over Sauli for a few months. I looked too thin for that very same reason. I could see my ribs poking out. I tried to ignore my arms though. Those were scars that would probably never fade.
I fell to my knees, gripping the broken bottle sharp-end toward me with both bleeding hands. I pressed the jagged ends against the soft skin directly below my ribcage. I could do this fast, but I wanted to feel every twinge of pain. I breathed hard and heavily, readjusting my grip on the neck several times. I pressed the tips harder into my flesh. I cringed from, but also welcomed the sting of the sharpness. I pushed it harder and whimpered out when I felt the points break skin and sink in slightly. I pushed them in just a bit more, biting my lip and squeezing my teary eyes shut from the pain.
An unexpected angry and familiar hiss broke into my head.
Selfish is all you are.
My eyes flashed open and I stared straight ahead as I felt a trail of blood run down my belly. That one interruption in my thoughts suddenly cleared my head to the degree where every affliction escaped me momentarily.
That's when it dawned on me.
For all of my sad existence, I kept escaping death. Over and over, I survived all of my beatings and horrid misfortune. But all of that was over. And right now, the only real danger to my life… was my own self.
To myself, I'd promised that I would eventually end everything. But because of Sauli's presence, I'd completely forgotten about all of that. He'd made me see how incredible my future could be; how pleasant life could be. Maybe that's why Sauli'd come into my life. Maybe fate wasn't trying to tear us apart from the very beginning; maybe it meant for us to meet in order to keep me from suicide.
Maybe I was meant to live.
Maybe Sauli's purpose had been to help me find my way, and once he'd finished that purpose, he'd expired. Like a guardian angel of sorts, keeping an eye on me so I wouldn't do anything stupid. And once I was strong enough on my own, Sauli had to leave me…
I guess "fate" didn't account for me falling in love with Sauli to the point where it was near impossible to live without him.
But if there truly was a reason I was meant to live… what was it? And how come I had so much abusive shit shoved into face my entire life that either brought me close to death or made me want to kill myself? Were they all some kind of bullshit tests created by the "universe" to test my willpower or some crap? Fuck that shit.
But… if I were to kill myself right now, wouldn't I just be spitting on Sauli's hard work?
Selfish.
I realized I couldn't do that to Sauli. I couldn't have let him die for nothing. Even if he hadn't died, so many things had tried to separate us because his time with me was over. Sauli wouldn't want me to do this. He gave me all the tools to a better life, and I was about to waste them all. He gave up his everything to give me a slight spark of hope. Sauli would have wanted me to move on with my life with my new strength and start over properly.
So maybe I did have something to live for…
Myself.
And maybe that was the lesson Sauli'd been meant to teach me?
Was living the most selfless and gracious thing I could do for him?
I started to shake a little, disturbed, yet appeased by my thoughts. I looked down at the broken bottle in my hands and the small streams of blood running down my gut. I gasped in true realization at what I was attempting and emotion finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Searing pain ran throughout me. I felt like a fog had suddenly disappeared and now I could really see. I was instantly terrified of the glass that would be the end to everything. What the hell was I doing?
The bottle suddenly felt burning hot in my hands. I flung the death weapon away and scrambled backward, falling onto my ass. I was breathing hard as I watched the bottle shatter against a nearby tree. Leaning back onto my hands, I sat there for a long minute, staring wide-eyed at the broken glass splayed out under the tree.
I felt a tickle on my belly and when I looked down, I started panicking a little. Instinctively, I slammed my hands over the small, still bleeding puncture wounds below my ribcage. I started crying from pain as I applied pressure with violently shaking hands. Oh god, what did I do? I only had the use of my bare hands to help me. These things were going to get infected.
I brought my trembling hands up in front of my face and choked on a sob when I saw the dripping crimson covering my palms. I didn't think I cut into myself that deep? Maybe an inch or something, but I was still bleeding at an alarming rate.
I'd originally intended to go much, much deeper before the (surprising) voice of "reason" made me stop. Well, actually… I doubted he'd been talking about Sauli. Probably himself. If I got rid of me, I'd get rid of him. It didn't matter now what that parasite's intentions were. I just needed to first and foremost stop this bleeding.
I knew I wouldn't die from this. Wounds this shallow couldn't kill me unless I let myself bleed out for a long time. I put my palms over the punctures again and pressed hard. I glanced down at my stomach and cringed. It was completely smeared in red. I looked like I just crawled out of a horror movie. I almost felt bad for whoever would find this clearing later and see the bloody grass. I sat upright and held my gut as tightly as possibly. I was really trying to stay calm. It wouldn't help me anyway if I freaked out. But the pressure from my hands wasn't working well enough on their own. The liquid still managed to seep out from between my fingers. I was starting to feel kind of fuzzy. Oh shit. Not good.
I breathed deeply and slowly. I sat there until some blood had dried and stuck my hands to my skin. I scanned the clearing. A black object confused me for a split second, and I mentally punched myself several times in the face when I realized I still had my backpack of shit here. I scrambled up to my feet and stumbled over to it, still keeping one hand on my damaged abdomen. With my free, blood-crusted hand, I unzipped my backpack, pulled out an old rag of a shirt and my little make-shift stitching kit. I didn't know if they were deep enough for stitches, but I thought better safe than sorry.
It took longer to prepare everything with one hand, especially since I kept stopping to cringe from the pain. And it was a lot harder to be precise and sew myself back together when my hands were shaky as fuck and blood was muddying up my view. The obnoxious wounds had shut the fuck up momentarily, and I took the opportunity to quickly pull the thread through them multiple times. I winced every time I poked the needle through my skin. After I secured the stitching and finished, I tore the rag shirt with my teeth into strips and tied it tightly around my abdomen. When I was completely done with everything, I let out a sigh of relief. I didn't know how bad the internal damage was, but other than the obvious, I felt alright. I doubted it was bad if I'd never gotten too deep.
When I managed to relax again, my thoughts returned to me. I looked at my body, including the scars on my arms and the bandages around my gut. It made me sad to notice that almost everything that was permanently etched on me was my own doing, not my father's.
I wrapped my arms tightly around my waist and squeezed. "I'm sorry…" I mumbled quietly to my body. I was better than this. "Never again…"
I was covered in blood and I reeked of blood. My face and hands were also cut up. I needed to clean myself up. Some washroom at a facility would be of much use to me. I pulled on a hoodie to cover the dried blood and bandages and headed out for a washroom somewhere, keeping my scary hands in my pockets and my head hung low.
An hour later, now somewhat clean and not terrifying, I was on my way back to school. Why?
I decided that for Sauli, I'd do it.
I'd live. I mean, really live.
It was like a strange washroom epiphany.
No matter how much Sauli's death tore at me at times, I would have to push through. It was what Sauli would have wanted. And the first step to starting over was finishing high school, no matter how much I hated it. I had to do it. I thought maybe I could go there and beg them to take me back. I could do it. I could focus on my studies now that I knew my life wasn't a time-bomb. Those days of beatings and pain were over. I could get a job. I could rent an apartment. I could do it. I would do it.
For Sauli, I would do it all.
School was the first thing on my list, because at least then I'd have somewhere to be every day and not wandering around. A job would be second, and a place to live would be third.
The school wasn't too far away. Actually, the walk seemed a whole hell of a lot shorter now that I wasn't wincing with every step, well… except for the stinging in my gut, but that was my fault. And I swore that no one would ever know what I'd done.
School should have ended by now, at least I thought so. That way, I wouldn't run into too many people I knew on my way to the office. The best thing I could do was at least try to be accepted back. I could make some promise about "changing my ways" and "working hard"…some crap like that.
I made my way onto the campus and stared at the ground as I passed by the few students still around. So far, so good… no one even looked at me. Just like the good old days, huh Adam? I guessed it was probably because my clothes were different.
And if this place didn't take me back, I would try some other schools around. Distance wouldn't matter because I didn't have to worry about the proximity to my house… because I had none. Home was wherever I lay down at night.
Or, if no schools bothered with me, I would just try to get a job and work. It didn't really matter to me. I just couldn't give up on myself. I owed Sauli that much. I owed him my life and the path he so selflessly carved for me.
"Adam?!"
I reflexively whipped around and looked for the source of the alarmed voice. My heart sank when my eyes landed on Alex… who just looked like he was about to crap his pants.
Alex muttered, "Oh shit."
My thoughts exactly.
My stomach knotted in nerves as he ran over to me with full-blown eyes.
I considered fight or flight, but my feet decided to glue themselves to the spot I was standing. I couldn't figure out if I was scared to the bone that he wanted to take out his revenge on me or what.
I flinched and squeezed my eyes shut out of reflex when Alex reached me and immediately lifted his hands. I waited for a hit, but there was no sharp contact… My eyes fluttered open in surprise when I felt Alex patting my head, shoulders, chest, and pretty much everything above the waist as he circled me, staring with bright eyes like I was some sort of fascinating alien technology. I was shocked stiff and frozen.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked with a higher voice than normal.
Alex came back to my front and stepped back, realizing that he was crossing some lines. He held out his palms in apology.
"S-sorry," he stuttered.
I threw him a "you're batshit insane" look. Alex appeared so nervous and flabbergasted. What was up with him? There was something different about him other than the stupid expression on his face. I felt a twinge of sickening guilt when I finally noticed the small, but very apparent scar I'd left on his face, from his cheek to the top of his lip.
Ignoring my apologetic expression, Alex psychotically blurted, "You're alive?!"
I furrowed my brows and plastered on a sarcastic expression. I was so confused. Was he serious right now?
"Um, obviously…?" I said, gesturing to all of me.
Did Alex think I'd killed myself after what happened to Sauli…? Did other people think that as well? So basically, everyone probably knew how pathetic I was without him. Great…
Alex pulled me out of my annoyed thoughts by suddenly grabbing my shoulders.
"Oh my god," Alex practically yelled as he shook me back and forth irritatingly.
"What?" I asked frantically as Alex jostled me. "And will you stop that?!"
Alex's hands on my shoulders went still. I glared at him. I didn't fucking have time for this lunatic.
Alex stared worriedly and intently into my eyes and said, "Sauli thinks you're dead."
He shrunk back a little as if bracing for me to freak out.
Instead I rolled my eyes and felt the suspenseful energy dissipate. I almost chuckled to myself at the false alarm. I reached up and brushed Alex's hands off of my shoulders. Alex looked surprised and confused.
"You're mistaken then. Clearly, I'm not the one who's dead," I said, but my voice barely came out as I continued, "Sauli is."
Alex's eyes widened for the millionth time and he ran a tense hand through his hair. He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Holy shit. You're an idiot," he barked.
My eyes narrowed into slits.
Alex exasperatedly threw his arms. "Sauli is alive. I talked to him yesterday. Why the hell would you think he's dead?"
"Well, why would you think I'm dead?" I challenged.
"He told me!"
My expression didn't change. Now I was just pissed off. Was this his idea of a tease? Was he seriously trying to bring my hopes and then crush them as some sort of sick joke? How could he do that when I was so heartbroken? How low could he fucking go?
"Uh huh," I spat as I shoved hard past Alex and started walking toward the school building.
I felt fingers wrap around my wrist and jerk me back. I whipped back around to Alex and gave him the most lethal glare.
"Get. Your. Fucking. Hand. Off. Now." My voice was hissy and laced with venom.
I could feel pure anger starting to build up in me, and I knew that the outcome wouldn't be good if he didn't listen to me.
Alex immediately dropped his hand like I'd electrocuted him. He took a step back, looking practically terrified. I huffed and started to stiffly walk away again. Alex didn't try to stop me, but he wasn't giving up either. I could hear his footsteps behind me.
"Stop!" I heard him call out behind me. "Just listen to me!" I picked up my speed. "Adam, please! I'm sorry!"
"Leave me alone," I growled as I kept my eyes locked on the school doors not too far ahead.
Alex went into a slow jog beside me. Out of my peripheral, he looked desperate. "Look, I'm sorry for everything I've done to you." My steps faltered a beat but then picked back up. "I'm sorry for ever laying a hand on you, I'm sorry for every name I've called you, I'm sorry for every time I'd hurt you in any way. I didn't mean any of it and you know it! I know there's no way you're going to believe me—"
"You're right. I don't," I seethed. I felt my blood boil. If he didn't stop soon, I would have no control over whether or not he'd see the light of day again.
"—but please, at least stop and hear me out! I want to help you!"
"You've done enough," I spat viciously. I spared Alex a look as he tried to keep up with my fast-walk, slicing into him with daggers from my eyes. I could hear him panting as he finally stopped following me.
I heard his frantic plea behind me, "Adam, please, just for a minute, STOP!"
I groaned and whipped around. I yelled, "Fine! What the fuck do you want?!"
Alex looked slightly afraid and taken aback. My patience was dying a quick death. Alex may be taller than me, but I towered over him in presence right now. He looked speechless for a minute and I wanted to snap his neck. All of that begging and suddenly he didn't have anything to say? I could feel my anger starting to reach the peak of no return.
I heard an echoing voice chuckle darkly in my head.
Oh no…
Alex better hurry the fuck up before he took over.
"Well?" I snapped quickly, trying to get something out of him before it was too late.
I was almost afraid for Alex. The scar on his face was taunting me, and I knew if I were to snap now, the damage would be far greater than that. The angrier I got, the less significant he became.
Alex blinked, seemingly coming back down to earth. He cleared his throat, and I could tell his thoughts were racing, trying to figure out where to start.
His words came out in the rush, "Listen carefully, I'm begging you. Sauli came by yesterday—" I rolled my eyes. "—and dropped out of school. Don't give me that look. Ask any of the teachers, not just me. And when I asked him why he was leaving, he told me he's going back to Finland because you're dead."
I stared long and hard at Alex. I felt my heart start to flutter and my anger kick down a notch. My thoughts were a mess of confusion. Was this why I hadn't felt anything when Sauli supposedly died? How could he have woken up from the coma? Even if he managed that, how could he have recovered so fast? It didn't make any sense. And why would he decide to go to Finland so quickly? Didn't he even try to find me? How could he think I was dead…? Oh wait… right. I fucking told him. Shit. And I did almost go through with it. He was alive…?
Wait, wait, wait, and wait. I was already over-thinking this. I could feel my hope rise just from Alex's words, but I easily shoved it down again.
"And how do I know you're not just lying to me for kicks? Why would I ever believe anything you tell me?" I asked, crossing my arms defensively.
Alex thought about that for a moment. "…What other choice have you got?" My face fell. "Ignore me or believe he's dead, either way, you lose him."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, yesterday, he told me he was leaving tomorrow, which means today. You're already wasting time just questioning me. I don't know what time he's leaving. So if you don't figure something out now, he's gone."
I felt my stomach sink to the floor.
I was starting to panic a little on the inside, but what was the point of that? I didn't believe him. I desperately wanted to, but I couldn't. Yet, there was still that small speck of maybe.
Alex could very easily be lying. But if he wasn't… then I'd let Sauli slip through my fingers.
It couldn't hurt to go to the airport and check, right?
If this wasn't true, all I would lose was a small beam of hope, tears, and a sense of trust toward people, but if it was true and I didn't do anything about it, I'd lose much more.
I glanced over at Alex who was now staring hard at his phone and scrolling fast.
"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, trying to keep a calm demeanor. I didn't want it to look like I believed him.
Alex barely threw me a look as he replied, "Checking the flight schedule."
I was stunned by how serious he was. I didn't say anything though. I waited a few minutes agitatedly and dramatically tapped my foot as if I had somewhere better to be. But in all honesty, I was engaged in this. The idea that Sauli could be alive was surreal. I kept my hopes down, but stayed curious. I knew not to expect much when and if I went to the airport.
I felt my stomach knot when Alex's face paled. That wasn't the face of someone who could be lying to me. I knew Alex, and he was a terrible actor. There was no way he faked that expression.
"What?" My voice cracked slightly.
Alex stared into my eyes wildly. "The only flight to Helsinki today leaves in an hour."
I felt slightly lightheaded. I had a strong urge to curl up into a ball on the ground. It couldn't be true.
I was so reluctant to go, but why? Oh, maybe because I didn't want to find out I'd been lied so cruelly to. I had to scrape any last pieces of dignity and self-worth I had just to find the will to live. I didn't want the last bit of my humanity to be crushed just because my decision to trust somebody again was in vain. Even if he was telling the truth, I didn't want to risk it. I was still so close to breaking.
"I'll never make it in time anyway, "I muttered, all excuses and no gumbo. "By the time a taxi comes…"
Alex snapped his phone shut and glared as if he saw right through me. "I'll take you."
~~~AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know, I suck for these damned cliffhangers.
REVIEW OR NO NEXT CHAPTER :O muhahaha
2 more... I think. x) and then an epilogue.
ALSO, check out my new saulbert ficlet, "Anytime" if you haven't done so already.
I fully realize the lack of sex and happiness in this so... I uploaded that short fic just to make up for it. Hope you like it. :)~~~
