Caitlin always knew there was a possibility that Killer Frost would resurface. That thought was always tucked away in the back of her mind, a constant loop of what if? What if she emerged? What if she was detrimental to the team? To Barry? To herself? The questions kept swirling around in her mind, leaving her on edge. She knew that technically, she had nothing to fear. Killer Frost and herself worked in sync almost every time Killer Frost emerged, but Caitlin was a perpetual anxiety driven person; she always had the nagging question of what if, what if, what if. So, to counter her endless cycle, Caitlin made sure she had a resolution. Tucked away deep inside her purse was a little bottle of pills. A quick handful of those, and she'd never have to worry about Killer Frost going bad again. Or, herself.
She often thought about what that would do to Barry. Her taking those pills. She knew he'd be crushed, but she hoped he'd ultimately understand that she didn't have any other choice. That she had to do what she had to do. And, then there was Cisco. Her best friend would be devastated, but she was banking on him understanding in much the same way she hoped Barry would understand. They had to. She had no other choice.
XXX
They were all at Star Labs, watching Barry target their latest meta. Caitlin patted her pill bottle inconspicuously, before redirecting her attention back to the computer monitors.
"Make a left, Barry," she instructed, watching his little dot blink its way across the screen.
"Got it," Barry called through the comms. The next thing she heard was a thump, hiss, and victory cry. Caitlin rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's antics.
"Did you have to knock him unconscious?" Caitlin asked dryly. There was a flash, and her hair flew around her. Blinking, she watched as Barry walked into the cortex, meta human slung over his shoulder.
"He wouldn't have come willingly," he replied, grinning. Caitlin waggled her finger at him.
"You have too much fun being the hero sometimes, you know that?" Caitlin asked. Barry flashed off, returned a millisecond later.
"I know," he said, cheeky grin still in place. Caitlin shook her head fondly. Sometimes, she felt like Barry used his powers just because he could. She wouldn't change it.
After they all debriefed, Barry and Caitlin headed out of the cortex.
"Italian and movie?" Barry asked, wrapping his fingers around hers'. She hummed happily.
"Sounds good," she murmured. They got into her car and made the short drive to the middle of the city, where her apartment was.
XXX
After they had ordered from one of their favorite restaurants, and picked which movie to watch on Netflix, they settled down onto the couch. As they ate, they divided their attention between the movie and talking. Sometimes, Caitlin reveled in the fact that they could live in their own little bubble, tucked away from the outside world.
About half way through the movie, Caitlin sneezed.
"Hand me a tissue, please," she said, and Barry reached to the side of him, grabbing a tissue out of her box on her stand. His hand hit her purse as he pulled it back into him, and it went tumbling down.
"Oh, I'll get that," Caitlin muttered, but Barry had stood up already.
"I got it," he replied.
"No, really, its-"Caitlin didn't get a chance to finish what she was saying: Barry was already picking up everything at a quick speed. He stopped a second later, staring down at something in his hand. Heart beating in her throat, Caitlin didn't have to work hard to find out what he was staring at.
"Caitlin, what the hell is this?" Barry asked, holding up her bottle of pills. Caitlin had always prided herself on having a least one answer to a question, no matter how difficult. That's why, for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why her brain had suddenly stopped working. She just stared dumbly at the bottle in his hand. He sat down next to her.
"Cait? Caitlin," Barry said, waving a hand in front of her face. She blinked.
"They're…Tylenol," she lied, but of course he saw right through that.
"Since when do Tylenol come in a prescription bottle?" Barry asked, and she bit her lip, unsure of what to say.
"How long have you had these?" Barry tried a different approach.
"About six months," she whispered.
"And, what are they for?" Barry asked carefully. Caitlin had the sense he knew, that he just wanted her to say it out loud. Inhaling shakily, she nodded her head slowly.
"They're…they're for if Killer Frost ever goes rogue again," she muttered, ducking her head down.
"So, they're an aid to help end your life?" Barry clarified quietly.
Caitlin couldn't get her jaw to work, so just nodded mutely.
Barry sat incredibly still for a long time, and she didn't dare to ask him what he was thinking, even if her mouth would work with her.
"Why?" Barry asked lowly, and Caitlin's heart stuttered.
"B-Because," she whispered.
"That's not an answer. "Because" doesn't justify this," he said, and Caitlin nodded.
"Because, it's imperative that Killer Frost is stopped if she goes rogue. Therefore, stopping me ensures she is stopped," she said.
"And the pipeline won't work because?" Barry asked, and Caitlin sighed, rubbing her forehead.
"Because, she'll convince you to let her out. And, you'll do it. You'll take one look at her, see me, and let her go. You're too good of a guy not to," Caitlin explained.
"And, do you think I'd still be a good guy if I let you get away with something as serious as this? We're talking about your life, Caitlin Snow," Barry said. Caitlin knew he was angry by how calmly he was talking. She wished he was shouting instead.
"I-I know that," she tried, but he interrupted her.
"Do you? Can you even begin to fathom the kind of dangerous road you're walking?" Barry asked lowly. She felt her heart constrict painfully inside her chest.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down onto her hands that were resting in her lap. Barry tilted her head up until they were staring at each other.
"I'm going to go flush all of these, then I'm going to stay here indefinitely," he murmured, and she closed her eyes.
"I'm a big girl," she muttered.
"Too little, too late," he replied calmly, standing up and walking into her bathroom. She had half the urge to scream at him to get out. She heard the pills being flushed and gulped. She had to find a way to get some more. He walked back into the living room, and just stared at her.
"What?" Caitlin asked, fiddling with her thumbs.
He didn't say anything, just continued to stare at her. She felt something inside her break.
"Get out," she said quietly, feeling anger coursing through her.
He defied her. "No."
She stood up and rushed towards him, pushing on his chest.
"I said, get out!" Caitlin screamed. She shoved against his chest, hitting her open palms against the fabric of his shirt. He caught her wrists, and held them gently, though, with enough force to stop her from pushing him again.
"No," he said calmly, and she felt the onslaught of tears.
"You don't get it! You're the good guy! I'm not!" Caitlin screamed, and Barry wrapped his arms around her tightly. She initially fought the action, but he was stronger than her; she was cradled against his chest a moment later.
"Shh," he murmured, and she bunched up his shirt between her fingers, and wailed.
"Shh," he soothed over and over, and she felt the fight draining out of her. She just wanted to sleep and forget any of this had happened. He eased her back down onto the couch.
"Stay here a moment, baby," he said. "I'll be right back."
She hiccupped as he went and threw away all their trash, then came back and turned off the tv.
By the time he had gotten back to her side, the tears had stopped, and she was tired. So very, very tired.
He eased her up and wrapped an arm around her waist; she allowed herself to be guided to her bedroom. After changing, she crawled into bed, and he followed suit.
They laid there for several long moments, with the occasional sniffle from Caitlin. At long last, Barry spoke up.
"Here's what we're going to do: we're going to get you well again. That means mentally and emotionally. I don't want you to ever think that eliminating yourself is the option," he said softly. She was too tired to disagree with him, so just nodded her head.
"Then, we're going to have check ins every day on how you're doing and how you're managing your anxiety," he added.
"Okay," she whispered.
"And, you're never going to lie to me again about this. Do you hear me?" Barry asked quietly, and Caitlin nodded.
"I hear you," she mumbled. He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into his chest tightly.
"Alright. Tomorrow, your check ins start, baby," he said, and again, she nodded.
"Alright," she murmured. They fell silent then. Barry eventually started humming and Caitlin felt herself drifting off into a peaceful slumber, anxiety far from mind. The last thing she heard was Barry's quiet
"I love you". Smiling into his chest, Caitlin fell asleep, feeling safe.
