Chapter 18: Doesn't Care Anymore
"Paul!" I yelled as I burst out of the apartment. I didn't care how crazy I looked–I just needed to find him. I needed to try and fix it. I wasn't exactly sure how I'd do that, but I needed to find him.
"Mel, wait!" Jared called, running towards me.
"I have to find him!" I screeched, whirling around to face him.
"He's upset right now," Jared tried to reason. "And it's starting to rain. Just come back inside, he'll come back eventually."
"No," I said fiercely. "I have to go talk to him about this."
"He probably just wants to be alone."
I looked away and allowed Jared to pull me back inside. I pulled out my phone and tried to call him, but he didn't pick up. I called Em's, but he wasn't there. I groaned and sat down on the couch with head in my hands.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have done this to him? What have I done?
"Can you go look for him?" I asked Jared desperately. "I don't want him to be out in the rain all night."
He blew all the air out of his lungs. "I'm probably the last person he wants to see right now."
Fine. "I'm going to go to sleep."
"Okay," he said. "I'll stay out here and wait for him. Let me know if you need anything."
I nodded and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind me. I pulled a sweater out of the dresser and put it on before sliding the window open and slipping outside. I climbed down the fire escape and walked around La Push, desperately trying to find him. After about twenty minutes of wandering around, it started to pour. My phone rang and I didn't even check the caller ID before answering it. Even under my hood my fingers and ears felt numb from the cold.
"Hello?"
"Mel, where are you?" Paul's voice was sharp and had a very angry edge to it that made my stomach tighten nervously.
"I'm looking for you," I said, hating to hear how weak my voice sounded.
"I'm at the apartment. Come home."
"Okay," I said quietly. He had already hung up. This was not good. I was scared shitless, so I cowardly took the long way home. I relished every second I had by myself. I was dreading the scene that was sure to be awaiting me at the apartment. The one question that kept floating around my head was: how could I have been so stupid?
I had known what Jared's question was going to be the second he even brought it up. I should have told him to get out of the apartment immediately. Why had I kissed him? Why had I agreed to it?
When I got to the apartment, Paul, Sam, and Jared were all waiting for me. Instead of coming to me and putting his arm around me to warm me up, Paul handed me a towel to dry myself off with.
This was bad. This was very, very bad.
Sam addressed me. "We obviously need to settle this. My pack is at each other's throats." I could only nod at him and wait for him to continue. "I think it would be best for all of us if you left."
My lip trembled and I shot a desperate look at Paul, but he wouldn't meet my eyes. "Why?"
"I need a pack that works," Sam said simply.
"And with me here that pack won't work," I said quietly. Sam nodded and I turned my attention back to Paul. "You're okay with this?"
He still wouldn't meet my eyes, but one word was all I needed. "Yes."
"I guess I'll go pack my bags, then," I said. I went into the bedroom and grabbed my suitcase feeling a sense of déjà vu wash over me. Hadn't I just done this a few days ago? Tears were streaming down my face as I threw my belongings into the suitcase.
"Do you need any help?" Paul asked. I hadn't even heard him come into the bedroom.
"No, I got it," I said, wiping furiously at my face in an attempt to hide my tears.
"Why did you kiss him, Mel?"
"I don't know," I said, feeling completely worn out and exhausted. "But it was completely idiotic of me and I know that. It was stupid and wrong and I'm sorry and I deserve everything that's happening to me."
"He's like a brother to me," Paul said quietly. "We can't let you get in the way of that."
"I know," I said, pushing past him with my suitcase in hand to go down the hall to the bathroom to gather more of my things. I threw my things into the suitcase and hesitated at the syringe. It would be so easy to just stab myself with it and start over.
I shook my head and buried it underneath some clothes in my suitcase. I wouldn't think about that right now. I had other things to worry about. I dragged my suitcase down the hall to see that Paul was still leaning in the doorway of our bedroom. I finally allowed myself to look at him and immediately regretted it. I could see that he was trying to mask his emotions, but I could clearly see the pain deep within his eyes. He couldn't hide that from me.
"I guess this is goodbye." I hated how my voice shook as I said it.
"Where are you going to go?" he asked in an emotionless voice that made me want to cringe.
"I don't know, but I guess I better figure that out soon, huh?" I asked bitterly.
"Mel, I–"
"Don't," I said, raising a hand to silence him. "Please, don't say anything more. It hurts enough to have to leave." With that, I pushed past him and out of the apartment. Sam and Jared had already left so I just went straight outside to my car. I loaded my suitcase into the backseat of my car and then got into the driver's seat. I didn't allow myself to look back at the apartment building as I drove away. I didn't think I'd be able to handle that.
Once I drove over the border and into Forks the tears that had been stinging behind my eyes welled up and spilled over my eyelids so I had to pull over. Anger burned through my veins and in a fit of rage I hit the steering wheel a couple times, then leaned back and allowed myself to cry my eyes out. It felt good to let it all out. I was mad at Jared but I loathed myself.
When my tears came to an end, I took a deep breath and started driving again. When I had told Paul that I didn't know where I'd go I had been lying. The Cullen house was completely empty and if it had worked for me once before, it would definitely work again. I drove up the long driveway and an odd sense of calm washed over me. Paul had told me that there had been a vampire–probably my mom–looming over me in this exact house, meaning that I could have died here, yet I still felt calm as I pulled into the garage.
I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of the car and dragged it into the house and up to my bedroom. I dropped it on the floor and flopped onto the bed.
I felt like complete and utter shit.
It was very likely that Paul hated me. I had caused him so much pain. How could I have done this to him? How could I have been such an idiot?
I would be strong about this, though. I had been the one to cause it so now I had to suffer the consequences. I had to accept the fact that it was over for us. I needed to try to move on and put him and Jared behind me, otherwise I would drive myself crazy.
My phone rang, making me jump. "Hello?"
"Mel, I'm so sorry." It was Emily. The kindness in her voice almost made me cry all over again. At least she didn't hate me.
"It's okay," I sniffled. "It isn't your fault."
"Get some rest, you don't sound too good," she said.
"I will, thanks for calling, Em," I said, ending the call.
I glanced over at my suitcase, thinking that I should unpack. I got off my bed and opened it, but the only thing I actually took out of it was the syringe with my mom's venom in it. I took it back to the bed and sat with my legs crossed beneath me, cradling the syringe in my hands.
I could do it. I could just stab myself in the wrist with it and start fresh. I could start over and leave Forks behind forever. I held out my left wrist in front of me. I could very clearly see a vein. Just one little jab and push was all it'd take.
No. I couldn't. I was being crazy. If I did it I would be alone, and it wouldn't be good for me to try to come to terms with it on my own. I put the syringe in the drawer of my nightstand and curled on my side on my bed. I didn't know how I'd manage school tomorrow, but I needed to. If I was going to get over Paul I needed routine. I needed to keep things as normal as possible, just without him.
My phone rang again and this time I checked who it was. It was Jared; I almost didn't answer it, but I knew I'd regret it.
"What?"
"Where are you?"
"Why?" I snapped. I immediately regretted the tone I had taken, but he started talking again before I could apologize.
"Are you safe?"
"Yes," I said. "I…I'm at the Cullen house. Can you…?" I trailed off. What was the end of that sentence? I ended the call before I said something to him that I'd really regret.
Just moments after I hung up on Jared, my phone rang again and it was Paul. I took a deep breath to brace myself for before answering. "Hello?"
"Are you safe?" he asked sharply.
"Yes," I said. "Paul, I–"
The line had gone dead before I could say any more.
