A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart
PART THREE
Written by alliegrl
Chapter Eleven
"Marlene?"
She had been having another difficult dream. They seemed so frequent now that she wasn't entirely certain what was real anymore.
"Mar, can you hear me?"
"I can't do this right now," she mumbled into her pillow. She was dreaming about her fight with Sirius again, something that had been plaguing her all evening and prevented her from getting a decent night's sleep.
"Wake up Mar, I need to talk to you."
Her eyelids began to open; a steady stream of sunlight was peering in from behind the curtain and shone into her eyes. She realized that she hadn't really been dreaming this time, and she was hearing his actual voice from the two way mirror that was sitting on her nightstand.
She reached forward unsteadily to grab it. "Go away," she said with as much firmness as possible for someone just wakening. Except that after the words had left her lips, she realized that Sirius's reflection wasn't staring back at her.
"Tell me how you really feel," a small chuckle let loose behind her and she could feel the weight of another body sit at the edge of her bed. Marlene dropped the mirror back on to the table and rolled around into bed, pulling the covers up with her out of instinct.
"Sirius, what – "
He had shaved since the previous evening and was wearing clean clothes. He no longer looked like the aged man she had witnessed in the Potter's dining room twelve hours previously, and it took her a few moments to fully wake up and realize that he was indeed sitting on her bed mere inches from her.
"Go away," she said again, this time with a slight waver in her voice. "I don't want to talk to you right now."
The crushed look on his face told her that she had clearly hurt him. She wasn't going to let him guilt her this time though. She was angry, and for good reason. Sirius had vanished for days after recklessly chasing after a bunch of Death Eaters and she had feared him dead. She had just recently learned that he had been following them the whole time with full ability to make contact to let his friends know that he was alright. Instead, he had been selfish. So Marlene decided it was time to be selfish too.
"Come on Mar, let me explain –"
"There is nothing to explain, Sirius. You scared me half to death. I've been worried sick for days and now I find out that you're fine, that you enjoyed your jaunt over to the dark side, and you couldn't care less about how that would affect the rest of us. How it would affect me."
He was silent for a moment before his hand reached out to grab Marlene's. She withdrew it immediately and observed the way his face fell at her gesture. She ignored the guilt piling up within her, and continued to be firm. Instead of saying anything else she yanked off the blankets that were hiding her body and swung her legs out of bed. Pushing herself off the mattress she scurried over to the door and yanked it open, indicating with her expression and a gesture of her hand for Sirius to leave.
"Really, Mar? This is how you want to act?" he seemed agitated but made no move to leave. This only caused her to feel more frustrated. "I came here to apologize and explain myself."
"I don't really care right now," she nearly shouted. She could hear a loud sound omit from the kitchen down the hall as though Emmeline had dropped a pot in the sink. She imagined that her friend could hear every word of their conversation. She didn't care all that much. "I just need to be angry for a while Sirius."
He looked at her with contemplation for a minute before pulling himself up for the bed and slowly making his way over to her. He stopped mere inches away from her in the doorway; his expression was solemn when he looked down into her face. It was hard for her to ignore the familiar scent that belonged only to him, but she drew in a sharp breath and held herself steady, unwilling to cave into him.
"I am sorry," he whispered. He seemed to struggle internally with something before confidence bore his features and he reached forward to pull her into a generous hug. If it had not been for the desperate way that his arms clung around her, Marlene likely would have pulled away from him. But something about the way his body language indicated his need for it prevented her from pushing him away. Sirius had been her poison for a long time and she was kidding herself if she could willingly deny herself from his touch.
He leaned in to whisper into her ear. "I love you Mar, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He pulled away after that and said more loudly, "You know where to find me when you're ready to talk."
He had a sad look upon his face as he glanced once more over his shoulder before departing the room and disappearing down the hallway. It took a lot of composure for Marlene not to break down crying at his exit, but she knew she was still angry with him and wasn't ready to talk to him about it yet.
She could hear him and Emmeline exchange brief words that were too quiet to decipher before the shutting of the door rang through the apartment, and Emmeline's hurried footsteps raced down the hall.
"You okay Marly?" Marlene looked up to see the concern reflected in her friends' eyes. Except that it wasn't the same sort of pity worry that she often saw in Sirius's or Lily's, and she felt a wave of relief instead of dread wash over her.
"I'll be fine," she said earnestly. "I just need to calm down that's all."
"You know," Emmeline's face lit up into a smile, "If anyone should be cross it should be me. You left me all alone last night in the wake of your very awkward lovers quarrel."
Marlene's eyes widened as she realized that she had left Emmeline alone at the table when she had stormed out. "I'm sorry," she gushed. "I wasn't even thinking –"
"Ya know, I'm obviously joking," she was laughing now, "If it wasn't for my charm and amazing personality it might have been awkward. You should know me better than that. I'd watch out though if I were you, I think I may just warm my way into your friends hearts sooner rather than later."
Marlene grinned at her friend. Emmeline's hair was clipped back from her face and she was wearing old, loose clothing that was rolled up to her elbows. As though she could sense Marlene's wandering eye she offered an answer willingly.
"I'm cleaning the apartment. Care to help since you just threw out the only other entertainment that could have preoccupied your day?"
"I didn't throw him out," Marlene felt her face grow hot with embarrassment seconds before realizing that Emmeline likely overheard every word that had been exchanged between her and Sirius. "Well what would you have done, really?"
"Are you sure you weren't meant to be placed in Ravenclaw?" She answered Marlene's question with another.
"No, why?" Marlene's eye brows knitted together in confusion. She had no idea what Ravenclaw had to do with anything.
"Because I think you did the smart thing," Emmeline shrugged before moving a stray lock of hair that had fallen into her face. "Clearly Sirius isn't very bright now is he. Destined to be a Gryffindor, that one."
"You would say that," Marlene rolled her eyes. "You're a Ravenclaw. And I'll have you know that Sirius is extremely intelligent."
"I don't doubt his academic intelligence," Emmeline waved her hand dismissively. She was still wearing a smile so Marlene knew that she was aiming to say this lightly. "But cross Marlene McKinnon by chasing after Death Eater's really isn't my idea of young, bright, and gifted. You know what I mean? Which brings me to another point, really. I'm still not overly certain what I stumbled upon with you and your friends but whatever secret club you've got going on? It sounds dangerous."
Marlene chewed her lip a little, debating what more she should reveal. Mad Eye had seemed interested in Emmeline but she had still been sworn to secrecy and it wasn't her place to break the silence. She was lucky though, Emmeline didn't seem to want to pry too much further. She laughed again and handed out the broom that she was holding in her other hand for Marlene to take.
"One day you'll tell me all about it," she said. "But for now, we clean. And instead, you can tell me all about Sirius Black."
Her frustration with Sirius only lasted until the next day. When she awoke in the morning with a guilty feeling stirring at the pit of her stomach, she knew it was because of her outburst the day prior. She fidgeted with the mirror for a few minutes, contemplating what she would say before deciding against the impersonal communication method and throwing on something decent to wear.
Emmeline was already gone for work when she wandered out of her bedroom. Although they had scrubbed the apartment clean, she had left an obvious mess in the kitchen from her breakfast. Marlene fought the urge to clean it, reminding herself that she needed to speak with Sirius and that dishes could wait.
On her way out of the flat she grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl and threw on a warm jacket. A quick glance out of the window indicated that it had continued snowing through the night and her walk would likely be a chilly one.
Her assessment was correct. When she walked outside a strong gust of wind caught her hair, whipping it backwards and plastering her face with dozens of tiny snowflakes causing her body to let out an involuntary shiver. The streets were quiet as she made her way through them towards the familiar building that belonged to Sirius. Normally she wouldn't have minded, but the distractions around her would have been much more welcoming than listening to the sound of her own chattering teeth.
Soon enough though, the old, rickety building came into view, and she hurried the last few steps towards the door, grasping the handle and thrusting it open with more force than necessary. Of course this was due in partly with help from the manic wind she had been fighting against.
Marlene hadn't used the buzzer since the first time she had visited Sirius's flat and she glanced over at it, contemplating whether or not it would be the more polite way to announce her entrance. She decided against it once recalling the intrusive way he had visited her the day before. After magically opening the lock into his building she made her way to the familiar doorway that separated his apartment from the hallway and poised to knock.
She could hear his feet shuffling around on the inside as she brought her fist down to announce her arrival. His footsteps began getting closer and a soft click could be heard as he unlocked the door.
"Good morning," he said brightly, his face lighting up at the sight of her. "I wasn't expecting such lovely company this early."
"Stop sucking up," Marlene couldn't help but roll her eyes but she let out a grin in response to his cheekiness.
"Care to come in?" he said, stepping aside. "You look awfully cold and I'm sure I could find ways to warm you up."
Marlene felt her face flushing. It didn't matter how long they had been together, Sirius was always able to get under her skin just enough to make her uncomfortable. He was watching her too, his grin widened as he observed the reaction that his words had inflicted.
"I think a hot cup of tea will suffice," Marlene choked out with more confidence than she felt. "I think we have some things to discuss. Wouldn't want any distractions now would we?"
"I like distractions," he shrugged. "If I recall correctly you didn't ever seem to mind them much before."
Sirius moved away to head to the kitchen, allowing Marlene to regain her composure. He began preparing the tea but continued glancing back at Marlene curiously every few moments.
"What is it?" she could feel herself becoming more self-conscious with each passing look. Sirius gave her a lopsided grin before answering.
"You just look beautiful today. I haven't seen you in such a long time, it's just nice to take it all in."
"Whose fault is that?" she heard the words falling out of her mouth before she could stop it. His grin faltered only a moment, a look of seriousness adorned his features fleetingly before the grin was back.
"Let's not fight. Not today," he sighed. The kettle beside him whistled and he poured two mugs full of the hot substance. After making his way back into the living area, Sirius plopped himself down into the empty spot beside Marlene on the couch.
"I don't want to fight with you, Sirius," she sighed. "I never want to fight with you but it seems like that's all we do these days."
"I haven't even seen you all that much lately –"
"Isn't that the point then?" she couldn't help the slight agitation in her tone as she cut him off. "We never see each other anymore and when we do it's all tense and we argue. I'm worried about you Sirius. I'm worried about us."
"You knew what sort of thing I was getting myself into," his brows knit together. "Before we even started dating I told you that this was what I wanted to do with my life."
"I'm not trying to take that away," Marlene pleaded silently. "Honestly, Sirius, your dedication and passion for helping people, it's what I love about you. I'm not trying to change you, I just don't want to lose you."
His face relaxed slightly and he watched her for a few moments. Marlene could feel the steady thumping of her heart pickup pace as she too examined him. She was so incredibly lucky to have someone like Sirius in her life and she wasn't sure why she always seemed to be messing everything up. She was ready to open her mouth to voice this when he finally spoke.
"I was being selfish, and I'm so sorry for that."
"What?" She wasn't expecting him to apologize again for anything, let alone admit to being selfish.
"I could have communicated with you while I was gone. I wasn't thinking straight. I'll admit that I get this amazing rush when I'm out doing Order business. It's like I become someone else entirely. I'm not proud to admit it, but it almost feels like my whole world disappears when I become focused on taking down Voldemort."
"I suppose I can understand that," she started but Sirius held up his hand to indicate he wasn't finished speaking.
"It's not fair to you. I understand that. You and I are in this together and I haven't been acting that way. I can't promise that I will get to see you more, or that the Order won't consume my life. But I want to make sure that we're being more honest with one another and I promise that I am going to try harder to make sure that you feel every bit as loved as you deserve."
Marlene could feel her heart beginning to pound even louder. Afraid it might break out of her chest, she held up her arms and wrapped them around her body. "Tell me more about what happened while you were gone," she pried, testing his request for more honesty in their relationship.
"After we arrived at the Ministry we discovered that there weren't many Death Eaters, maybe only five or six of them. We easily had the numbers but they put up a pretty decent battle. Remus and I took after three of them not realizing that it had been a setup. We ended up getting separated and Remus was smart enough to disapparate elsewhere without waiting for me. I had a nice little run in with my cousin, Bellatrix."
Marlene shuddered at the sound of her name and Sirius reached out his hand to grasp hers in his own, giving her a comforting squeeze.
"I think that they had planned to follow us back to headquarters and they might have succeeded if Bella hadn't been present. I remember what she did to you last time and my anger got the best of me. I pretended to disapparate after Remus, but I managed to shake them off by apparating nearby. It was easier for me to get a good tail on them since I had James' invisibility cloak in my pocket – "
"Why on earth did you have that thing kicking around?" Marlene interrupted.
"James had asked me to give it to Dumbledore. Apparently he had asked to borrow it. I was on my way to meet with him at the Hogs Head to discuss another attempt at the Trolls when we got word of the attack at the Ministry. Though, I've been doubting for some time that it was ever truly an attack, rather a setup to learn of our secrets and dispose of us."
"Once I had the invisibility cloak it made it that much easier to trail after them. I knew eventually I would figure out where they've been hiding and it appears that Malfoy Manor is the most commonly used meeting space. The Malfoy's have always been obsessed with the Dark Arts, I'll bet their interests are equally at part with the Black family. I wasn't able to get inside because the cloak doesn't enable me to get back all their security and protection spells, but I did overhear a couple of them talking about their work with the Trolls."
Marlene could feel herself sit a bit straighter. That had been a mission Sirius had already been on and it hadn't gone over very well. How had the Death Eaters managed to win them over?
"I think I know what you're thinking; how? Well I was curious about this too and I followed them to the mountains. I had already been planning on doing this trip anyways, so I was able to see firsthand whether or not their initial lack of cooperation had anything to do with Voldemort."
"And did it?" her interest was peaking. Sirius let out a generous laugh.
"No, the kid was a fool. He nearly lost his head trying to engage in conversation with the Trolls. Luckily for me I had Hagrid with me the first time, so I was a bit better at my turn of communication. Unluckily for me, I didn't have Hagrid with me the second time. I'm ashamed to say that the dried up blood on my cloak the other night was definitely my own. Nearly didn't make it out of the mountains alive. I think it's pretty safe to say that they will not work with us, but I think it's even better to assume that they will not be working with Voldemort either. Either way, it ended up being a somewhat successful mission even if it was an unplanned one."
She pushed back the sickening feeling that filled her as she listened to him admit how much danger he had been in. But he was there beside her; alive. She didn't want to waste more time fighting with him. She just wanted him.
"What is it?" he asked. There must have been something about the expression on his face that distracted him.
"I'm still cold."
Sirius's grin widened and his eyes lit up with a spark as though he were remembering something rather humorous. "Is that so?"
Then he leaned in to kiss her.
A/N: In case you may have missed my updated author note on the first chapter, I have moved this story over to wattpad. My user name is alliegrl and all parts of this story are now posted there. I will be updating them to correct mistakes etc. I won't be updating the chapters here until a later date, so you can check me out on wattpad if you want a more updated version of things. I will continue to post the new chapters here though!
Elis.n - Aw thanks for sticking around! I was happy to see your name on the review when I got a notification. Hope that you're enjoying it all over again.
Guest - Thank you! :)
