The moonlight coming from the bedroom window cast silvery shadows on Alex's body as Olivia caressed her wife's breasts and placed soft kisses on her firm stomach. Alex had been more then a little determined to keep her figure after the baby and as Olivia made her way south she was finding it easier to over look the slight obsession because it was so clearly worth it. They had been moving slowly when it came to sex. Alex had been understanding about Olivia's need to ease back into some things, but Olivia was finding that need more then a little frustrating. The support group meetings she'd been sitting in on helped a little, her sessions with her counselor helped too, but she was still being rather distant when it came to Alex. In some weird way Olivia felt as if she had to protect Alex from the truth. Alex knew what she was doing of course and that had made the blonde angry. They'd been arguing over little stuff and Olivia knew it had to stop before things got to out of hand. She just didn't know how to go about that, so she'd hoped an evening alone with her wife would help.
Olivia paused to listen to the sounds she was electing from her wife and then lowered her mouth for the familiar sweetness. She moaned a bit herself until she felt Alex's hand on her head, holding her in place. Olivia's worse fear surfaced when the memories of the assault flashed in her mind. She tore herself away from Alex, her breathing deep from fear now rather then excitement.
"Baby?" Alex asked, her heart pounding at the terror she saw in Olivia's eyes. "Baby what is it?"
The dark haired woman shook her head as she sprang from the bed. "It's nothing."
Alex got out of bed and headed towards Olivia, but stopped when Olivia held out her hand in warning. "Liv that wasn't nothing. What did I do? What happened?"
"Just give me a minute, Alex!" Olivia snapped. She closed her eyes in an attempt to shake off the memories and the anger. Invading her dreams was one thing, invading her private moments with Alex was another.
"Olivia!" Alex demanded. "Please talk to me! I need to know what I did that caused that look in your eyes."
Olivia opened her eyes and looked over at Alex. The understanding, the pleading in those blue eyes she loved so much just pushed at her even more. Tearing her gaze from Alex's Olivia began to gather up her clothes. She dressed quickly as she tossed out, "I need some air."
Alex grabbed her robe and followed Olivia as she headed for the front door. "Olivia stop! Talk to me, damnit!"
"I don't want what happened anywhere near us, Alex." Olivia said with her hand on the doorknob. "I just need a little more time to work through this, ok?"
"No, it's not ok." Alex replied. She walked over and put her hand on Olivia's shoulder and turned the other woman to face her. "The assault is already here with us, Olivia. You can't keep protecting me from it. I can't keep walking on eggshells, we can't keep fighting over nothing, and I need to know what I did that hurt you so badly. Please talk to me."
Olivia sighed. She put her hand over Alex's as she said, "You didn't hurt me, Alex. It was just a flash, just a moment; I just need time to shake it off. I'll be back."
Alex was worried, scared, and mad as hell as she watched Olivia walk out the door. She went into the living room and flopped down on the couch, tears welling in her eyes and then rolling down her cheeks. She was going to wait up until Olivia came back and then they were going to have this out, even if Olivia didn't want too.
She didn't know where she was going. Olivia just got in the car and started driving. She was angry as hell so she was driving a little faster then she should have been. It had been a wonderful night right up to that moment. The kids were with Caroline so she and Alex had spent the whole evening together. A nice dinner, a show, a long walk just talking and holding hands, and finally a cozy evening in their living room with a bottle of wine that had lead to their love making in the bedroom. She'd been fine as Alex touched, kissed, and caressed her. She'd been fine returning the affection, and then in the blink of an eye it was over. All it took was a flash of that bastard's hand on her head pushing her towards him and that was that.
The sound of sirens finally brought Olivia out of her thoughts. She glanced up into the rear view mirror and swore. She pulled over and then waited. When she looked up at the officer who tapped on the window she sighed in relief.
"Olivia?" The uniformed woman asked as she glanced down into the car.
"Hi Connie." Olivia replied sheepishly.
The redhead smirked. "Did you forget to put you light in the window or are you late for a hot date?"
"Neither, just being an ass apparently." Olivia groaned.
The two women had gone to the academy together and had remained friends. Connie Morgan had been one of the first people outside her unit that Olivia had come out too. They still had lunch at least once a month, and Connie had even been over to the house with her family. So it wasn't too much of a surprise that the uniform cop knew the look on her old friend's face. "I'm off in fifteen. Lets get you off the street before you try to enter this cute little car in the NASCAR circuit. You know the diner on 34th? Meet me there."
Olivia opened her mouth to argue but Connie didn't give her a chance. Half an hour later she was sitting in a booth with Connie who was trying to get her to spill her guts over coffee and cheesecake. Half a cheesecake later Olivia was explaining what happened not only with Alex but also at Sealview.
Connie looked at Olivia with sparkling green eyes for a long moment before finally saying, "Olivia, you're a goddamn idiot."
Brown eyes grew large before blinking in surprise. "What?"
"You're an idiot." Connie repeated. "Yeah, sure, what you went through was a kind of hell that no one should be put through, but it could have been worse and you did come out of it relatively unscathed." Connie held up a hand and added, "I'm not saying you weren't traumatized, hell anyone would have been, but you're a strong woman Olivia and you know damn well there's worse in the world. You're dealing, you went for help, you're working through it, and I'm proud of you for it. A few years ago you would have drunk your way through it rather then talking your way through it." She paused to sip her coffee and then went on. "Do you wanna know why you're an idiot though?"
"Go for it." Olivia huffed. She should have seen this coming. Connie wasn't known for being tactful, she was blunt and to the point. It was one of the reasons they'd become such fast friends in the academy.
"You're out butching yourself. Hell, you're being more macho then your caveman of a partner." Connie said as she pointed her folk at Olivia. "You haven't talked to Alex out of some macho bullshit idea about keeping her safe from what happened. She's a strong woman, Olivia, the prefect partner for you because she doesn't have any illusions about you or the real world. She loves you; she can handle hearing the truth, the details. I bet when you do tell her, you'll get over that hump that you slammed into tonight." Green eyes locked with brown as Connie added, "Stop acting like your idiot partner and talk to your wife."
Olivia glared at her friend. "What's your beef with Elliot?"
"Nothing, he's great. Irish, macho, bullheaded, hot as hell. Another lifetime and I'd be all over that." Connie said with a wicked smirk. "It's just that in this case you're acting just like him and it isn't as hot on you."
"You'd make a hell of detective." Olivia laughed. "It would be fun as hell watching you slam a perp with his own stupidty."
Connie smirked. "Go the hell home to your wife, Liv. Talk to her, cry your heart out, and let her help you heal."
Olivia sighed as she looked down into her coffee mug. Her mind raced for a few seconds and then she finally nodded. "Thanks Connie."
"Anytime, Liv." Connie replied. "But you come speeding through my sector again and I'm busting your ass."
When Olivia got home she found Alex asleep on the couch. She sat on the coffee table and just watched Alex for a few minutes. She thought about what Connie had said and about all the things she'd said herself to victims over the years. It wasn't going to be easy, reliving it yet again and watching the emotion play out in Alex's eyes, but Connie was right. This could be the last thread she needed to let go of to really move on.
"Alex." Olivia said softly as she reached out and shook her wife's shoulder. "Baby, I'm back."
It took a few seconds before Alex came to and for her mind to clear. When she was thinking clearly she sat up right. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Getting pulled over for speeding." Olivia said honestly.
"Olivia!" Alex huffed, and then her anger flashed in her eyes. "I asked you to stop, to talk to me, and you walked out! I can't take much more of you shutting me out, Olivia, we need to talk about this!"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I know."
Alex was ready to launch into the tirade she'd been planning but as she watched her wife all but deflate she lost her momentum. "Liv?"
"Connie pulled me over tonight and then proceeded to call me a macho, butch, idiot and she was right." Olivia said slowly as she lifted her eyes to look at Alex. "I was trying to protect you."
"I don't need to be protected, Liv." Alex said as she reached out and took Olivia's hand. "I need to be able to understand, to help. I know that the assault happened to you, but wither you like it or not it's touched me, and the kids, because we love you and we're connected to you. Please, Liv. Talk to me."
Olivia wrapped her hands around Alex's. Her eyes locked onto their wedding rings before she looked up again. A flash of anger brightened her eyes when she saw the pleading and the openness in Alex's, but it passed quickly and was replaced with a painful need to finally let it all out. Olivia took a deep breath and then told Alex everything. She told her why she'd felt so compelled to go to Sealview, her need to help, to fight the monsters, and that even though she no longer fought the monsters because of her mother, she was still fighting them for Alex's sake, and for Allie's and for Oliver's. She told her what it was like to work out her cover with George. What it was like to be plunged into the prison system, and finally what happened in the basement.
There were tears in both women's eyes when Olivia finally stopped. Alex slowly got off the couch and sat next to Olivia on the coffee table. She wrapped her love in her arms and just held her. The two sat there for quite some time before Olivia asked, "Do you blame me?"
"I did." Alex admitted honestly. "I was angry with you for putting yourself in that position. I was scared when I thought there was a chance the kids could be sick, so I was angry with you for that. But in the end I was more angry with myself because there was nothing I could do to keep you safe, and nothing I could do to make the bastard pay, and because I couldn't seem to offer any help to you at all."
Olivia took Alex's hand and lifted it to her chest where she held it close to her heart. She closed her eyes and sighed before looking at Alex again. "I'm sorry for putting you through that."
Alex reached over and caressed Olivia's cheek. "I know you are."
The two women sat there for a little while digesting everything they'd said so far. Olivia wasn't sure what she had expected Alex to do, but she was relieved that Alex didn't break. Why had she been so sure she would? Maybe because she herself had nearly been broken, a feeling she hadn't had since her mother was alive. Alex shifted between hurt on Olivia's behalf to out right rage. If she ever saw that sick bastard she'd kill him, or at least use a dull knife to cut it and his funny mole off.
"Do you know what I was thinking when he was trying… when I knew what he was after…" Olivia suddenly asked.
Alex's throat was dry so her voice sounded even more cracked with emotion. "What?"
"That he couldn't have me because I was yours." Olivia said almost shyly.
Alex placed her hands on either side of Olivia's face so she could turn her love to face her. She placed a soft kiss on Olivia's trembling lips and whispered. "You are mine, Olivia, in every way; just as I'm yours. No one can ever take that from us."
