I smiled. I smiled and offered her my congratulations and then I went to Max and I stayed with him until I was able to leave. I watched as everyone celebrated Molly and the new pregnancy but I stayed silent, not because I was hurt or jealous but because I didn't know how to feel. I had been bitter for a moment, so bitter that it scared me but then I realised I wasn't angry at her for being pregnant, I was genuinely happy because I could see how happy she was and Sam but it sucked. It sucked for me and I knew how selfish I sounded I just didn't care.
"You ok?" A low voice broke through the darkness of the cold kitchen, the shivers the voice sparked in me ran over my skin and my arms halted in their scrubbing motions against the kitchen counter. No, no I wasn't but I wasn't going to say that so instead I nodded and made a small noise. "Then why are you cleaning the kitchen at one am?"
The shivers still running over my skin erupted again but fiercer as the warm tips of Embry's fingers touched my shoulder and ran down my arm, only stopping when his hands could take mine in his and I dropped the cold sponge that was drenched in disinfectant. Why was I cleaning at one am? I didn't even know I had just started after we got home, I needed something to do that didn't involve sitting and nibbling at my lips while I thought over my inner worries that had been made so much fucking worse by Emily's revelation.
"It was dirty" I whispered as Embry's lips pressed against my bare shoulder blade, I was in my pyjama shorts and a baggy top that fell from my shoulders, my hair was tied back loosely and stands of it fell over my face annoying me as I scrubbed the kitchen.
"No it wasn't" He pressed a kiss against my skin, his nose rubbing over my neck and I heard him smelling me. He always smelt me, and right when he sniffed my skin he would let out a long breath like he was doing right now, almost the noise you make when you smell your favourite perfume or a batch of freshly baked cookies. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know" I sighed out, I sort of had an idea but it was stupid.
Embry's hold on my arms loosened and his body left its cupped position against mine, my lips still stayed pressed against my shoulder though and so I still felt the safety and warmth he offered. It was all ok when he was here.
"Do you still have feelings for him?"
The words made my body go rigid, his voice was tense and I could hear the fear held in his words. He was serious. He seriously asked me that. I broke my hands away from his and twisted in his arms not needing to even think about his question, that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard him say.
"No" My words were firm and I moved my arms to wrap around his neck, his closed against my waist and I shook my head at him. "God no, no, Embry just no, that's not it, not even close" I didn't even need to fake the firmness to my voice, I didn't hold an ounce of love in my body for Sam Uley other than that of him giving me my child. I was no jealous of Emily, maybe I was a little but not because she was having the next Uley spawn.
"Then what is it? You looked hurt when you found out; I would understand if you did"
"Embry stop it, that is not it" I cut him off; I didn't need to hear that. I didn't need to discuss that because it just wasn't even close to how I felt but as I looked up at him I saw he was worried.
"Then what?" He pouted a little and I pulled my body tighter to his, I didn't want him feeling this way. He had nothing to worry about when it came to Sam or any other guy for that matter. He was all I wanted.
"It's stupid, it's nothing"
"It's not nothing Leah, it's bothering you" He pushed back and as I led my head against his chest his chin came down on mine and he cradled me tighter. He was my safety blanket but I felt stupid telling him this, it was ridiculous. "Leah" He pushed again and I took a big breath before burying my face further against his chest as if the lack of space between his skin and mine would make my words drown.
"The stupid boxes" I moaned, I waited for Embry to ask me to repeat it but he didn't, he just stood there.
"The boxes?" He finally asked and I nodded, yes the stupid fucking boxes that were piling higher and higher each day in this stupid house. They were taunting me enough as it was and then today was like one big kick in the fucking gut. "What did the boxes do?" I could hear he was amused and I fought the urge to bite him, this wasn't funny.
"They don't do anything"
"So what's the problem?"
"They don't do anything" I repeated and looked up at him, his face frowning at me as he listened to me making no sense. "They just sit there and every day they get higher and everyday nothing happens and then today, today it all just got even more real"
"What?" He was confused; he was staring at me like I was an idiot. I was, I felt like one.
"The house is sold, they sent the papers over for me to sign and read, my house is gone and I have all these boxes and nowhere to put the stuff and then, well then Emily's pregnant and Rach had a baby and Beccas having a baby, Kim has babies, I just I" I stopped and gave a huff, my lips formed into their own pout and Embry's eyebrows shot up, a worried look taking over his confused one.
"You want a baby?" He sounded as worried as he looked and my shoulders sagged.
"No, no Embry I don't want a baby I just feel like I have no idea what I am doing"
"Ahh thank god" He let out a long breath and I looked up at him, thank god? Thank god that my life seemed to be completely off track?
"Oh I just meant the baby thing, I don't want one, I mean maybe one day but right now Max is enough trouble and I don't really want all that sick and shit"
"Embry I am not on about a fucking baby" I groaned out and went to step away from him but he pulled me back.
"Ok I'm sorry, I just got worried. What are you on about?"
I looked up at him again, I had to just come out and say it no matter how childish I sounded. "Everyone else's lives are moving on and they are making plans and I'm just, I'm not"
"You are, you got a job and the house is sold, everything is going fine. Isn't it?" Embry questioned and the worry came back slightly as I shook my head.
"My house is sold, I don't own anything anymore and now I just have piles of stuff in your house and Jake must hate having all my shit and Max here. It just, I don't know it just doesn't seem to settle down and then Rachel mentioned today that they were going to look for a new house and Kim is sorting out going back to work, Emily and Sam are starting their family and I, guess maybe I am jealous. Not of the babies but that everyone around me is sorting themselves out, I mean even Seth is looking for a house and he's a kid"
"You have a house, you have this house"
"It's not my house it's yours and Jake's house with my boxes in the hallway. I know I have a job here, I know I've sold my house and car, I know I'm happy with you but I can't help but feel my life isn't settling down because I'm not settled here and the baby news sort of freaked me out a bit"
I sounded like a dick, I was making no sense and I didn't know how to make sense. Baby news made me realise all this? I was a dick.
"First off, it is your house I told you I wanted you here with me which makes it our house, not mine and secondly, Jake is moving out"
My head snapped up as he said the words about Jake, a smile spread over his face and he nodded at me.
"He told me the other day, he's getting a house with Nessie but I didn't know how to tell you" His hand moved up to cup my cheek and he smoothed a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "It will just be us, if you want it to be, you don't have to be here if you don't want to be"
I hadn't made myself clear. "I do want to be here, I just, I want it to feel more like home not like I'm a guest. I'm such an idiot; I'm not even making sense" I groaned, his hands began smoothing at my cheek and he offered me a short kiss.
"You are, kind of, as long as you don't want a baby I'll do anything you ask me to right now" He gave me a smirk and my stomach jolted, a baby with Embry, the idea had been playing on my mind recently, every time I saw him with the twins I saw how great he was with them but I wasn't ready, neither was he. I shook my head at him and he kissed me again.
"I prefer practicing to make them than actually making them" He grinned cheekily and I couldn't help but roll my eyes, he was such an ass. "Sorry, you are making sense Leah and I know maybe we should have talked more about the situation and planned it better but it's happened sort of fast. I've been thinking though, now that Jake is moving out we would have more space and now that you've told me what's bothering you, I'm thinking maybe we should redecorate"
"Redecorate?"
"Yeah, make it more homely for us rather than it being full of mine and Jake's things. We could unpack those stupid boxes and sort it all out properly. I don't know, is that what you want? What you meant?"
I looked at him for a moment, I hadn't thought of what I wanted but as he said the words I guess it made sense. This had always been my favourite house, my home; I just needed it to feel like it again. Redecorate, it was so simple yet so perfect. We could do it together, make decisions together. "That sounds perfect" I whispered and his smile played across his face again, maybe I had over thought everything. I had kept it all in rather than speak about it and now I sounded like a douche.
"So Jake is out, you're in, sounds more than perfect to me"
"Don't make it sound like I've kicked him out" I pushed Embry and he chuckled, I wasn't being blamed for Jake leaving.
"I'm joking, kind of. I mean I think he found it weird hearing us together, you are his like second cousin after all, has to be strange hearing your cousin screaming you're best friends name"
"Embry" I cut him off again and he laughed harder, his body separating from mine for a second before falling back into place. I didn't scream. Asshole.
"So, you aren't bothered about the baby thing?"
"No, I don't want a baby" I shook my head at him and his smile grew bigger.
"I meant Sam's baby but thanks for reassuring me"
As I thought over what I had felt only hours before a guilty smile spread over my lips, I was fine with it, I mean I didn't care in terms of him having a kid that wasn't mine but maybe I had been a little bitchy at first.
"What?" Embry asked, his smile mirroring mine as he saw the guilt I held. "What did you do?"
"Nothing, you always think I did something"
"You're grinning like the Cheshire cat Leah, what is it?"
"Maybe, maybe I was a little bitchy at first" I spoke quieter now but Embry heard me just as clearly.
"What's a little bitchy?"
"Well, I mean it wasn't anything that bad and I'm not jealous before you jump to conclusions, I just maybe let my old feelings come back for a split second" I went on and Embry fell away from me, leaning on the kitchen table as he waited for me to speak. I had been kind of bitter. "It's not that I care, I mean I'm happy that they are having one but it's just I kind of maybe had a little thought about me no longer having a 'fuck you Emily' hold on having his only kid" My voice went higher as I spoke and Embry burst out laughing.
"A fuck you Emily? What the hell is that?"
"Don't look at me like that, it's just I was kind of smug when I knew they hadn't had kids because I could see how much it annoyed her that I had Max with Sam and so maybe for a split second when she told me, I kind of had a little bitchy thought about me no longer having the claim of the only Uley child, kind of. I'm a bitch aren't I?"
"Yes, yes you are. I knew you were staring at her with a bitchy look, I thought you were jealous or something"
"Hell no, I am not jealous I just liked being able to fuck her off about Max, I'm so cruel" I groaned as I heard my own words, I was such a mean bitch sometimes. Embry laughed again and nodded with me.
"You really hate her don't you?"
"No" I was quick to answer, I didn't hate her.
"Leah, the woman told you she was pregnant and your first thought was that you could no longer piss her off using her husband's kid"
"I don't hate her, I don't. Actually, once my bitter moment passed I felt kind of sad" I had, other thoughts killed me after that one and Embry's smile dropped a little as he watched me hover by the sink.
"Sad about what?"
"It's stupid"
"Leah do we really need to have this conversation again?" He groaned back at me and I realised he wouldn't drop it now; I guess I had to learn to share my feelings.
"It's just that well, when I was last here I hated her, I really hated her and even with all that hate when I found out about Max she was still the first person I ran to. In that moment all I could think to do was turn to Emily and no matter what people think I didn't do it to hurt her, I did it because I needed her, I needed to share that news with her. We had always planned our kids being best friends, being godparents to each other's kids, we were best friends and our kids had to be too. So earlier when she told Rachel and Kim while I was being sent off I just sort of felt sad, for a minute I realised just how bad things have got between us and I guess being here now and not hating her is even stranger for me than hating her because now there's nothing, there's no fights, no tears, no bitch fits just nothing and today I realised that. I sound crazy; I probably don't even make sense"
"You miss her" He commented and I looked up at him, my eyes stinging as I tried to decipher my emotion. Did I miss her? I didn't hate her anymore, I was past the hatred, I was past the dislike, the need to fight with her and make her life hell. Now there was nothing, I barely talked to her, I was always around her but I barely talked to her. I watched her with Rachel and saw them be how I was with Rebecca and whilst I watched that I realised that I had once been like it with Emily, a long time ago. Did I miss it?
"Yes" The answer came out before I thought it, I did miss it, I missed her. She was my cousin, my sister once upon a time and so much had happened since then but you always missed that sort of bond, I missed it with Becca now because I couldn't see her and I guess I had always missed it with Emily. "But time has passed and things have happened, I could never be like that with her again not after everything. I don't know, it was just weird hearing her be like that with Rachel and Kim when no matter how much I hated her, she was the person I went to. I'm being over sensitive"
"No" Embry jumped in as he moved from the edge of the table and walked to me, I raised an eyebrow at him and a small smile spread over his lips. "Maybe" He scrunched his nose up as he wrapped his arms around me, my body reacting to his touch and the shivers started. I loved his touch. He washed away the fears and worries currently running through me, the sickness I had felt over my thoughts of Emily washed away all because of him. "You don't sound crazy, you just sound human. You can't forget a friendship like that no matter what happens in the years between"
"Now you sound too sensitive, you sound like a girl" I didn't know what else to say and so I joked. I was no good with this feeling shit, especially when it involved Emily. He faked a look of horror before turning to look around the kitchen as if trying to find something to hit me with, instead his look stopped at the utility door that lay open and a smirk ran across his face. My stomach didn't need another cue, it started flipping and my skin grew hot as I remembered this morning.
"I'm girly am I?" He sung playfully and before I could answer his body swooped down on mine and lifted me up bridal style, his chin nuzzling against my neck causing me to squirm from the tickling motions. "I'm big and macho, say it" He growled as he walked me to the utility room, I shook my head and he nuzzled me again. "Say it" He warned and I shook my head again.
My body got thrown down onto the counter top I was perched on this morning and his body pushed against mine the same as it had done earlier, every nerve in my body stood on end and he started biting at my neck, not nicely but nipping at it causing little bursts of pain mixed with laughter until I gave up.
"Fine fine, you're big and macho" I giggled as his teeth sunk against my neck harder and he pulled at my skin there. "Stop it" I attempted to push him away from me but he simply smirked, his leg kicking out to slam the door shut like he had done this morning, I could see the look in his eyes, I knew what he wanted and I had no problem giving it to him. Max was fast asleep upstairs, my mom was in Forks, we were pretty safe as long as Jake didn't come bounding in from patrol needing to wash his clothes.
"Uh uh uh, we need to practice" He sung as he reclaimed his position between my parted legs, a hot heat running up through my body as I felt the rock hard mound that lay beneath his trousers. He was so easily turned on.
"Practice what?"
"Not making a baby"
"Then surely it would be safer to just go read a book, watch a film or go to sleep?" I teased, my hands roaming over his body and tugging at the shirt that hid his muscles. I liked to see his muscles.
"It would be" He paused, his hands tickling up the insides of my thighs and he stopped, his eyes locking on mine as he waited, teasing me each second that his hands held their position on my thighs but not moving. "But we aren't doing any of those things tonight"
