Over the next few weeks, things pass in a dreamlike haze. Eventually, I regain feeling in my body. It felt weird to wake up that morning, and feel my feet against the ground. Walking was hard, for a time, since I couldn't tell what I was stepping on, or even if I was lifting my feet. You'd be surprised how much we rely on our sense of touch. But then when you do realize it, it's probably too late. Dr. Barrows said I was lucky. Very, very lucky.
He's been running tests on me every other day since I woke up. He claims I sustained more damage than I was designed to take, and the fact that I can remember anything is another lucky miracle. He says if you look at me from a software/hardware point of view, my system should have crashed. But being a man, a human, is what saved me. Since I was raised normally, I didn't get the training I was required to receive. As far as I knew, I was a man, and not a machine. I knew I was made by man, rather than nature and love and emotions, but not to the extent that it really is. Claiming I convinced myself, I was more man than machine, is what saved me. My brain developed to be more organic than not, and well, I guess that's the most simplistic way to describe it. I got lucky.
Dr. Barrows also found a working formula for Dizzy and I. He knows not even mom and dad can be around one another every second of every minute of every hour of every day. People need quiet time, and alone time. It doesn't matter the time Dizzy's been gone, but the distance. The further away she is, the harder it is for me to refresh myself. My body shuts down, because I can't make the chemicals that I get from her on my own. A dependency that was chosen, before either one of us knew any better. The more distance between us, the sicker and sicker I get. So long as she stays within say, the town of Megaton and its perimeters, I'll be sluggish, but fine. We can stay on separate ends of a place as long as Rivet City, but only for a few days, because the chemicals she provides me with, biologically, need to be remade so to speak, every few days. When you see the diagrams Dr. Barrows made, it makes sense.
Despite this, though, and all the good revelations everyone, including myself, has been discovering due in part to me being a scientific experiment of marvel, Dizzy stays close. She knows she can wander, and have time for herself, she simply chooses not to. From time to time, she will socialize with Megaton citizens and travelers for a few hours, but never more than four or five. She made a new friend, and I'm glad she's branching out and being social. Dizzy, really, has made an entire personality change.
I can't say why, but, she did. She's not as dramatic, or as bratty as she use to be. She's more serious, like dad, and quieter. Her relationship with both our parents has improved significantly, as well as with Gob and Zack. I can't say I dislike the change. I miss the tantrum-throwing Dizzy from time to time, but she has changed for the better. Although, the relationship between us, has been stuck at a stalemate. Neither one of us push for anything, and deep down, I know it hurts her. I know, every time I look at her. She wants me to admit it, wants me to embrace it all and go off to some imaginary place with her, but, I can't. Not yet, anyways. I simply…don't know why. But, until I know why it's Dizzy, I think it's going to stay at a stalemate. Of all the people I could have felt anything for, it was Dizzy.
Right now, she's off with her new friend, Joe, James, Jacob, something with a 'J'. I don't remember, but I do know he has feelings for her. She does, too, and often complains about it. Instead of venturing out, I opted to stay home. I have to talk to mom about things, that I don't particularly like speaking about. Feelings, really, and the ins and outs of them.
Heading down to the kitchen, where mom is tinkering with guns and busying herself, I feel a lump in my throat. Tip-toeing around the subject is out of the question, so asking outright is a better approach. Especially with people as blunt as my mother. I sit down across from her, and she doesn't even look up from the weapon she's cleaning.
"What's up?"
She sounds like Dizzy, and I shake my head.
"I have a serious question."
Mom doesn't look at me, she continues to stare at the gun in her hand, but she raises an eyebrow.
"Oh?"
"How…how did you fall in love with dad? I mean, did you want to? How, really, did it happen?"
It takes a while for it to register in mom's head. Slowly, calmly, she places the gun down and looks at me. For a minute, I think she's going to speak, but then she looks away. Off into space, lost in her thoughts as she remembers events that took place decades upon decades ago. Almost four decades, really. Well, three, or three and a half.
"…Hm. That is a serious question."
"Can you answer it?"
I don't mean to sound eager, but, I am. Maybe if I knew a bit more about mom and dad's personal relationship, rather than their public one, it would help give meaning or insight to my own personal feelings. Maybe, even terminate them forever, if the answer is logical.
"In a way, I suppose. Things of a heart, of a woman's heart especially, aren't always simple, or formulated, or something to be worked out in a mathematical equation."
"Well, try, please?"
Mom sighs and lights a cigarette. The stale smoke drips from her mouth as she exhales slowly, and looks still at things I can't see, but glimmer in her eyes. My mom is an exceptional being.
"Alright. You know, that I was alone for the first three months I came out of the vault. What you don't know, is that I was alone even before then, too. In the vault, my father had little time to spend with me. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the other children didn't take to me, because I was an 'outsider'. I wasn't born in the vault, and they didn't want me living in the vault. I had no friends. Anyone who was kind to me, or cared, did so because…they wanted something."
"So you were alone for your entire life?"
"Yeah, for the most part. My life back then, anyways. I had grown accustomed to it. Even enjoyed it over the company of others. When I came out of the vault, things and people didn't change. Only the scenery. When anyone was kind to me, it was because they wanted a favor or ten. At first, I was fine with it. Mainly, because I was terrified of the Capital Wasteland."
"I would have been, too."
Mom nods, blinking slowly and ashing her cigarette in the ashtray in front of her.
"I wasn't prepared to find your father. I had in my mind, accepted I would soon die from something out here. That my existence wouldn't be missed, and I'd be another person dead. It happens every day, even now. I walked into Underworld, high as a kite on Jet, and looking to score more. Your father's employer at the time, was a cruel man. There was a disagreement between us, his employer and myself, and your father was ordered to kill me."
Mom's told this story to me so many times before. But now, it's different. Because she doesn't play up the laughter, adventures, and hard times her and dad once had. Instead, this version, is her own. Emotions of the past seep through her voice, and I listen, hanging on every word.
"And yet…he didn't. It bothered me, as I left Underworld. Why didn't he kill me? He disobeyed a direct order, and later on I would learn how difficult it was for him to do that. Why? Why didn't this ghoul, who I had never met before, kill me? What made me, special enough to spare, when even my own father would throw me to the dogs?"
"Did you ever find out?"
She smirks, and shakes her head.
"It's another mystery of our relationship. We can give you theories, but, we still don't know. Anyways, I went back and purchased your father's contract. He came with me, and…I wasn't alone anymore. It took a lot of time, for me to accept how I began to feel towards him. In time, I did, and in a longer duration of time, he returned my feelings."
"So you love dad, because he made you not lonely?"
"No, it's much more complicated than that, Cain. I knew and understood that your father was with me at first due to the context of his contract. That he had no emotions, and certainly none towards me. But I felt something. I still do. It was a sense of feeling, and acceptance. That no matter what, this person would never intentionally bring harm to me, but instead work at correcting all the wrongs anyone had ever done to me. It was, and still is, an unexplainable feeling."
Her story is based on emotions, not logic. I know sometimes logic isn't logical, but, I want it to be.
"I protected you. You saw a comfort in me, that although employed through my services, no one else gave you. You grew to depend on me, Dezbe."
I jump at the sound of dad's voice. Looking behind me, he's sitting on the steps. Even though he's large, he can be silent. I could never measure up to his movements, his stealth. When dad wants to be quiet, he is. You'd never know he was even ever there. I glance at mom, and she smiles at him. A soft, hopeful, and sad smile.
"I did. For emotional support, protection, love, nurturing…everything my childhood didn't have."
"Dependence, turned to love. If you're asking your mother these things because of Dizzy, it's useless. Dependence will almost always turn to love, when it's positive. Your mother depended on me, and her natural need to nurture took over to compensate for my employment. A symbiotic relationship. Other than that, beyond that, it is not explainable. It simply is, and we accept that. Although…sometimes I wonder."
Mom laughs and throws something small and round at dad. He knocks it away, giving her as much of a smirk as he can give. Dad knows most of my thoughts these days are about figuring out the how's and why's of my feelings towards Dizzy. They both know how Dizzy and I feel, but they don't press the issue. They know in time, things will work out. Everything does for them, anyways.
"I just want to know why Dizzy. That's it. Why Dizzy, and not Erica or some other person?"
I ask them, and light my own cigarette as mom puts hers out. She sighs, and shakes her head. Dad stands up, his boots still silent on the steel and wood floor, as he walks over to her. His hand rests on her shoulder, and she smiles.
"I don't know, Cain. Maybe your father's right. Dependency on her? Having her as your first priority for most of your childhood? Being raised in the same home, constantly together?"
"Mom, we were raised as siblings."
"But you knew you weren't. Knowing that, even subconsciously, makes a difference."
I frown and inhale on my cigarette. I hate to admit when mom's right, because it shows I lack wisdom. But, they have years and decades and in dad's case, centuries on me. They worked hard, and suffered, for their wisdom. Even if mom is brash, crass, impulsive, loud, and violent…she's smart. She's right. She's mom, and she's never wrong.
"Stop fighting it, and accept it."
Dad says, shrugging and gripping mom's shoulder tighter. It's his subtle signal that they want alone time. I still haven't met two people, so in love, after so much time, as they are.
"I can't. Not yet."
Poking my cigarette out, I run my fingers through my hair.
"She won't love you forever, Cain. A woman can only love a marble statue for so long, before giving up. We're strong, us ladies, but we have a breaking point. Eventually, she'll find someone who will return the feelings and gifts she has to offer."
"Maybe she should, mom. It might be better that way…"
"She talked about leaving here, soon. You'll have to go with her. If you truly don't want to feel anything but sibling emotions towards her, that's your choice. Focus on meeting new people, then."
Wait. Dizzy never mentioned anything to me about leaving Megaton. And why are mom and dad okay with this? With her taking off, I mean. Because last time, things didn't go so well. I know they want to be alone, but I have to press the issue.
"What? Where does she want to go?"
"North. Somewhere. In her head, there's some magical place of eternal happiness. I once thought the same thing. Your father and I talked about it, and we decided to let you both go when you want. After all, it wasn't the threats of the Capital Wasteland that harmed anyone, only the stupidity of two kids. Which, you still are, despite your protests."
I can't argue with them anymore. They're right, so I give them the alone time they suddenly want. They don't worry about me dying before them anymore, because of my dependency on Dizzy. I'll live as long as she does, and will age with her. If she ever gets old and gray, I will as well. Until then, I'll stay youthful. Knowing this, when a while back I was scared I wouldn't see the world change with her, warms me inside. I can see everything I want, alongside Dizzy. I can protect her, comfort her, and offer anything I can to her. But, I can't give her love. The love I wanted to give her before. Because now, I suppose, I'm simply scared to.
