Correspondence Between Hetalians 51: Thou Shalt Not Kill
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: ERROR
Don't you think it's time you joined us?
God
To: Ludwig
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
WEST, GUESS WHAT! I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL FROM GOD! LOOK! LOOK!
AH, I AM REMINDED OF MY TEUTONIC CRUSADING DAYS. I WAS SUCH A CUTIE BACK THEN. YAHAHAHA!
[Forwarded: From: ERROR To: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Subj: Honestly]
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: Ludwig
Please restrain your drinking habits from now on.
If you were sober it would be clear that this is only a juvenile prank, likely from America or Britain and France on one of their drunken bloodbaths.
Germany
To: Ludwig
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
Aw.
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: ERROR
Like seriously, I think you're starting to cause glitches in rational space-time realities.
Just the other day one of your brother's △△△ magazines appeared in Germania's closet, and Rome dragged him off to a catastrophic celebratory drinking spree. I had to cleanse the souls of everyone within a thirty mile radius.
Also, in no way can I possibly be AMazingly Evolutionarily Retarded Creature A, the specimen known colloquially as A.M.E.R.I.C.A. I don't know how you thought that.
Please don't compare me to him. In my old age I find I've been having trouble restraining my instincts of Holy Judgment.
God
To: Ludwig
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
Well look! I GOT ANOTHER ONE! AND THIS TIME IT SAYS HE'S NOT AMERICA!
IT EVEN MENTIONS GRAMPS(S)!
[Forwarded: From: ERROR To: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Subj: Please listen]
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: Ludwig
Well, that just proves that it's fake. Whoever it is is trying to appeal to you. Look, if it were truly God, could he not simply come down and tell you himself?
Germany
To: Ludwig
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
Oh, huh. I guess so.
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: ERROR
And here I thought you used to be a nice pious and believing crusader.
I would come down and talk to you myself but that might fry your grasp of reality and have dangerous repercussions for the health of everyone around you when compounded by the ridiculous amount of beer you consume on an hourly basis, so I would really rather not.
I'm sorry to say it but your mental capacity just can't match the likes of Hungary.
God
To: Ludwig
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
NAH, I BELIEVE YOU NOW, WEST!
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: Alfred F. Jones
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
HAHAHA, that was a funny prank! But you know, I've still got some punch in me, so maybe you'd like to take that back!
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: ERROR
FOR THE LOVE OF ME
To: ERROR
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
NOPE! I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN! NOW RUN ALONG, AMERICA!
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: ERROR
ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME USE HOLY JUDGEMENT.
Russia's new status message is: It's not like your G8 was any fun anyway … :)
To: ERROR
From: Yao Wang
Aiya! That's quite a name for that insolent little "Mei"guo you have there! I always did think he was developmentally and mentally challenged. I commend you.
China
To: Yao Wang
From: ERROR
Be quiet, Clearly Hellblest Immortal Ninny Arse.
God
To: ERROR
From: Yao Wang
You made that up on the spot.
China
To: Yao Wang
From: ERROR
Yes, perhaps I did, sinning hacker. Come to think of it, in all fairness, shouldn't you have joined us by now, too?
God
To: ERROR
From: Yao Wang
File:Me_laughing
China
Japan's new status message is: I feel like I haven't appeared in a long time….
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: Arthur Kirkland
You infernal git! Get your naked arse off my lawn! I don't know how you got down there last night but at this point I find it excruciating to care. I would go out and kick you out myself, except for the fact that you are disgusting and I might just cause an international crisis by graphically hacking you to pieces with my morning teacup.
A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are toss'd with.
- England
To: Arthur Kirkland
From: Francis Bonnefoy
PFFT. Wait, what? What was that? What does my simple midnight excursion have to do with spleen, now? Has your mind finally drowned in scone?
~ France
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: Arthur Kirkland
You ignorant fool, that was Shakespeare! That was literature, something I'm sure you will find lacking in your little froggy hellhole. Shoo, shoo, now.
- England
To: Arthur Kirkland
From: Francis Bonnefoy
I'll have you know, I have a good deal of literature. In fact, to be precise, I'm quite sure I have literature that's a good deal better! All your dear Shakespeare's good for is insults!
~ France
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: Arthur Kirkland
Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch.
- England
To: Arthur Kirkland
From: Francis Bonnefoy
Away, ye three inch fool.
~ France
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: Arthur Kirkland
Thou art as fat as butter.
- England
To: Arthur Kirkland
From: Francis Bonnefoy
You scullion. You rampallian. You fustilarian. I'll tickle your catastrophe.
~ France
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: Arthur Kirkland
PEACE, YE FAT GUTS.
- England
To: Arthur Kirkland
From: Francis Bonnefoy
YOUR VIRGINITY BREEDS MITES, MUCH LIKE A CHEESE.
~ France
England's new status message is: Go away.
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: Francis Bonnefoy
Hey there! I scared off that bastard again today! You want to go celebrate? I found this excellent new brand of wine just the other day and this would be the perfect excuse to indulge. Maybe we should call Spain over, too. Though I heard he's still feeling sick over some nightmare he had where there was a lake full of turkeys… or Turkeys?
~ France
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
Sorry! West's tailing me like the devil now, says I can't drink any more. All because I almost fell for this joke from some crazy guy calling themself "God" (I bet it's America). Maybe you could save some for me later!
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: Francis Bonnefoy
Drank it all already! Don't worry, I'll enjoy your fill for you!
~ France
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
You're a horrible drinking buddy.
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: Francis Bonnefoy
Ohonhonhonhon~! That's hurtful, I was onlyksguhfli/
To: Francis Bonnefoy
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
Eh?
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: [Everyone]
From: William Shakespeare
Ye band of leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stoking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouches! How dare you all throw about my words, my cultured insults, like stewed prunes! Especially these Frenchmen!
William Shakespeare
To: William Shakespeare
From: Arthur Kirkland
What?!
- England
To: William Shakespeare
From: ERROR
WHAT?!
God
[God's diary]
THAT DOES IT. YESTERDAY MY DELICIOUS BREAKFAST OF CONDENSED HOLINESS WAS INEXPLICABLY TELEPORTED TO SATAN'S DINNER TABLE, AND TO ADD TO THAT, NOW SHAKESPEARE'S DROPPED INTO THE WORLD OF THE LIVING. DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND HOW INSANELY DIFFICULT IT IS TO HANDLE THE UNIVERSE?
AND I AM 777% SURE THAT IT'S THE FAULT OF THAT INEXPLICABLE GRANDCHILD OF GERMANIA'S WHO SHOULD BE DEAD BUT ISN'T.
But of course, it's still not good to try full-powered Holy Judgement (especially with my back lately…).
AHA! I SHALL SEND HIM AN E-MAIL JINXED WITH A, ER, BLESSING TO TAKE HIM TO HEAVEN!
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: ERROR
Congratulations! As the (1) person to open this message, you have won:
1
FREE
PASS
TO THE
AFTERLIFE.
You're welcome,
God
England's new status message is: Wait, Shakespeare?! Come back!
To: ERROR
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
Wait, what? Where's the free pass?
ICH BIN GENIAL!
PRUSSIA
To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt
From: ERROR
What? Where are you? Did it not work?
God
To: ERROR
From: Yao Wang
WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? ! WHY AM I FLOATING ON COTTON CANDY AND WHY IS THAT SINGING BAICHI ROME IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN?
I DEMAND THAT YOU OPEN THIS GATE RIGHT NOW!
CHINA
To: Yao Wang
From: ERROR
[CENSORED]
EHEHEHE.
Like Shakespeare before me, I have written comedies, and histories, and now I shall write tragedy.
"The Devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."
William Shakespeare
