Correspondence Between Hetalians 51: Thou Shalt Not Kill


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: ERROR

Don't you think it's time you joined us?

God


To: Ludwig

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

WEST, GUESS WHAT! I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL FROM GOD! LOOK! LOOK!

AH, I AM REMINDED OF MY TEUTONIC CRUSADING DAYS. I WAS SUCH A CUTIE BACK THEN. YAHAHAHA!

[Forwarded: From: ERROR To: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Subj: Honestly]

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Ludwig

Please restrain your drinking habits from now on.

If you were sober it would be clear that this is only a juvenile prank, likely from America or Britain and France on one of their drunken bloodbaths.

Germany


To: Ludwig

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Aw.

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: ERROR

Like seriously, I think you're starting to cause glitches in rational space-time realities.

Just the other day one of your brother's △△△ magazines appeared in Germania's closet, and Rome dragged him off to a catastrophic celebratory drinking spree. I had to cleanse the souls of everyone within a thirty mile radius.

Also, in no way can I possibly be AMazingly Evolutionarily Retarded Creature A, the specimen known colloquially as A.M.E.R.I.C.A. I don't know how you thought that.

Please don't compare me to him. In my old age I find I've been having trouble restraining my instincts of Holy Judgment.

God


To: Ludwig

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Well look! I GOT ANOTHER ONE! AND THIS TIME IT SAYS HE'S NOT AMERICA!

IT EVEN MENTIONS GRAMPS(S)!

[Forwarded: From: ERROR To: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Subj: Please listen]

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Ludwig

Well, that just proves that it's fake. Whoever it is is trying to appeal to you. Look, if it were truly God, could he not simply come down and tell you himself?

Germany


To: Ludwig

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Oh, huh. I guess so.

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: ERROR

And here I thought you used to be a nice pious and believing crusader.

I would come down and talk to you myself but that might fry your grasp of reality and have dangerous repercussions for the health of everyone around you when compounded by the ridiculous amount of beer you consume on an hourly basis, so I would really rather not.

I'm sorry to say it but your mental capacity just can't match the likes of Hungary.

God


To: Ludwig

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

NAH, I BELIEVE YOU NOW, WEST!

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: Alfred F. Jones

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

HAHAHA, that was a funny prank! But you know, I've still got some punch in me, so maybe you'd like to take that back!

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: ERROR

FOR THE LOVE OF ME


To: ERROR

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

NOPE! I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN! NOW RUN ALONG, AMERICA!

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: ERROR

ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME USE HOLY JUDGEMENT.


Russia's new status message is: It's not like your G8 was any fun anyway … :)


To: ERROR

From: Yao Wang

Aiya! That's quite a name for that insolent little "Mei"guo you have there! I always did think he was developmentally and mentally challenged. I commend you.

China


To: Yao Wang

From: ERROR

Be quiet, Clearly Hellblest Immortal Ninny Arse.

God


To: ERROR

From: Yao Wang

You made that up on the spot.

China


To: Yao Wang

From: ERROR

Yes, perhaps I did, sinning hacker. Come to think of it, in all fairness, shouldn't you have joined us by now, too?

God


To: ERROR

From: Yao Wang

File:Me_laughing

China


Japan's new status message is: I feel like I haven't appeared in a long time….


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Arthur Kirkland

You infernal git! Get your naked arse off my lawn! I don't know how you got down there last night but at this point I find it excruciating to care. I would go out and kick you out myself, except for the fact that you are disgusting and I might just cause an international crisis by graphically hacking you to pieces with my morning teacup.

A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are toss'd with.

- England


To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

PFFT. Wait, what? What was that? What does my simple midnight excursion have to do with spleen, now? Has your mind finally drowned in scone?

~ France


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Arthur Kirkland

You ignorant fool, that was Shakespeare! That was literature, something I'm sure you will find lacking in your little froggy hellhole. Shoo, shoo, now.

- England


To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

I'll have you know, I have a good deal of literature. In fact, to be precise, I'm quite sure I have literature that's a good deal better! All your dear Shakespeare's good for is insults!

~ France


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Arthur Kirkland

Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch.

- England


To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Away, ye three inch fool.

~ France


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Arthur Kirkland

Thou art as fat as butter.

- England


To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

You scullion. You rampallian. You fustilarian. I'll tickle your catastrophe.

~ France


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Arthur Kirkland

PEACE, YE FAT GUTS.

- England


To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

YOUR VIRGINITY BREEDS MITES, MUCH LIKE A CHEESE.

~ France


England's new status message is: Go away.


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey there! I scared off that bastard again today! You want to go celebrate? I found this excellent new brand of wine just the other day and this would be the perfect excuse to indulge. Maybe we should call Spain over, too. Though I heard he's still feeling sick over some nightmare he had where there was a lake full of turkeys… or Turkeys?

~ France


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Sorry! West's tailing me like the devil now, says I can't drink any more. All because I almost fell for this joke from some crazy guy calling themself "God" (I bet it's America). Maybe you could save some for me later!

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Drank it all already! Don't worry, I'll enjoy your fill for you!

~ France


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

You're a horrible drinking buddy.

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Ohonhonhonhon~! That's hurtful, I was onlyksguhfli/


To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Eh?

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: [Everyone]

From: William Shakespeare

Ye band of leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stoking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouches! How dare you all throw about my words, my cultured insults, like stewed prunes! Especially these Frenchmen!

William Shakespeare


To: William Shakespeare

From: Arthur Kirkland

What?!

- England


To: William Shakespeare

From: ERROR

WHAT?!

God


[God's diary]

THAT DOES IT. YESTERDAY MY DELICIOUS BREAKFAST OF CONDENSED HOLINESS WAS INEXPLICABLY TELEPORTED TO SATAN'S DINNER TABLE, AND TO ADD TO THAT, NOW SHAKESPEARE'S DROPPED INTO THE WORLD OF THE LIVING. DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND HOW INSANELY DIFFICULT IT IS TO HANDLE THE UNIVERSE?

AND I AM 777% SURE THAT IT'S THE FAULT OF THAT INEXPLICABLE GRANDCHILD OF GERMANIA'S WHO SHOULD BE DEAD BUT ISN'T.

But of course, it's still not good to try full-powered Holy Judgement (especially with my back lately…).

AHA! I SHALL SEND HIM AN E-MAIL JINXED WITH A, ER, BLESSING TO TAKE HIM TO HEAVEN!


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: ERROR

Congratulations! As the (1) person to open this message, you have won:

1

FREE

PASS

TO THE

AFTERLIFE.

You're welcome,

God


England's new status message is: Wait, Shakespeare?! Come back!


To: ERROR
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Wait, what? Where's the free pass?

ICH BIN GENIAL!

PRUSSIA


To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: ERROR

What? Where are you? Did it not work?

God


To: ERROR

From: Yao Wang

WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? ! WHY AM I FLOATING ON COTTON CANDY AND WHY IS THAT SINGING BAICHI ROME IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN?

I DEMAND THAT YOU OPEN THIS GATE RIGHT NOW!

CHINA


To: Yao Wang

From: ERROR

[CENSORED]


EHEHEHE.

Like Shakespeare before me, I have written comedies, and histories, and now I shall write tragedy.

"The Devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."

William Shakespeare