Author's note: Thank you to kmj1989, anonymouscsifan, partygirl98, and JaliceJelsa4eva for the reviews! Kmj, we'll just have to see, won't we? There's still a TON of story left to tell for these two. I have a nebulous plot line floating around in my head that I plan to see through to the end. But be prepared for 100+ chapters with this fic, guys. I hope you stick around!

For now... things will have to get worse before they get better. Just hold on with me! Posting will be back on schedule for Sunday, apologies for the deviations!


Ashes, Ashes

Vivien's hands leave my face, forcing me to open my eyes again. Her expression is anguished.

"Nothing's changed at all, has it?" she asks bitterly. "I thought we could get past this and meet somewhere in the middle after these past few days. But... but I'm still hurting you by not leaving the Brotherhood."

It feels like we're right back in that supply closet, and I'm listening to Vivien give me her reasons why she was still with her comrades right before the building exploded and brought us to now. Has nothing really changed since then?

Only how much more this hurts.

"So leave the Brotherhood. Stay with me, Vivien," I plead. My hands automatically reach for her in supplication, but she steps back.

"I already explained to you why I can't leave them," Vivien retorts. "We both know I'm not as bad as I used to be, right? Well, maybe the others can change, too. I have to at least try to make the Brotherhood better- to make my brothers better. I have to. Because if I walk away from them like this I not only put you and everyone here in danger, I also turn my back on who I am. And the only family I have left. I can't just leave Myles, Hank."

She sighs, the expression on her face somehow simultaneously both appealing and resolute as she looks at me.

"No- this is me, Hank. Brotherhood member, crazy brother, and all. Do you accept me as-is, or not?"

"Of course I do," I reply, "but-"

"There can't be any 'buts,'" she says, shaking her head.

"That's not fair," I tell her, rather petulantly.

"Neither is trying to change me, Hank."

I can't even think of anything to say, and I can tell it hurts her. She bows her head and turns around, heading towards the bathroom.

"Vivien, wait-" I say, but she shuts the door in my face. "Vivien-"

Pathetic, ridiculous, absurd.

That describes me standing outside of the bathroom pleading with Vivien to open the door so we can talk with a rather appalling accuracy.

"Vivien, please come out," I beg. I lean my head against the wood and resist the temptation to bash my head into it in frustration. "Please-"

I stumble slightly when the door opens, revealing Vivien in her jumpsuit. And worse than that- her eyes are over-bright, like she's fighting the urge to cry.

My heart plummets right out of my chest- I think it ends up somewhere around my toes. "You're leaving?"

"Very observant of you," she mutters acidly, striding around me. Still limping, I might add. She's carrying the toiletries and clothes Jean got for her.

"But you're still hurt," I tell her, pathetically following her over to the bed.

"Am I dying?" she asks. She begins folding the clothes, avoiding my eyes the whole time.

"No, but-"

"Then I'm fine," she says shortly. "I'll just take it easy for a few more days."

"What about your scent?" I'm grasping at straws now. "You still smell like I marked you. Fox and Jackal-"

"But there is no mark, so no worries," Vivien replies, gesturing to her neck. She finally turns to face me, but her gaze is focused on my left shoulder rather than my face. Like she's afraid to look me in the eye. "Please tell the Professor thank you, for everything. And Je- Marvel Girl, for being so kind. And thank you, as well, Hank."

I grab her upper arms, finally forcing her to meet my gaze. Of course now she's glaring at me, but I'll take a small triumph at the moment. "Please don't leave this way," I implore. "Let's talk about this, Vivien."

"There's nothing more to say," she tells me, shaking her head. "I want to be with someone who loves me for who I am, rather than what they want me to be."

Vivien shrugs off my hands and heads for the door, leaving me stunned. Once she's there she turns towards me and says, "Lucy will probably forgive you if you go apologize, you know. That way you can have that 'normal' relationship you want so badly."

I can't speak past the lump in my throat. I feel like I'm watching this disaster unfold from somewhere outside of myself, like I'm viewing a horror film. You want to tell the blonde not to go into the closet because there's an ax murderer in there, but she does anyway and gets her head chopped off.

You want to tell the fool standing there like an idiot by the bed to say something, anything to keep the beautiful girl he's fallen for from walking out on him. But he can't find the words.

"I can't be what you want," she tells me, her voice curiously flat and devoid of emotion as she fights to keep her tone even. "So I want you to stay away from me. I mean it this time, ok? Just- I'm just another Brotherhood member to you now."

And then she walks out the door.


For a long time I stand there frozen, as if my anguish has locked my muscles in place.

No, not anguish- what I feel is a sort of numbness, with the encroaching pain just on the edge of my awareness. Like a burn victim coming down off morphine, the agony will roll in with the same slow, inexorable certainty of high tide.

I think part of me is waiting and hoping that Vivien will be caught on her way out of the building, but I know such a thing is an impossibility. The woman moves like a shadow when it pleases her to do so.

I did this, I think dully. I ruined a relationship in less than six hours. That has to be a record of some sort.

What will I do now?

I sink down onto the hospital cot and pick up the silky negligee Vivien had been wearing for the past two nights. I bury my nose in the garment and deeply inhale the flowery sunshine aroma that still clings to it. How long will the scent last before it, too, fades away and leaves me with no trace of her at all?

Nothing except this piercing, throbbing ache in my chest that is getting more and more painful with each heartbeat. The grief spreads outward, through my bloodstream, to paralyze my limbs and turn my heart to dust.

I'm suddenly overcome with overwhelming regret. What is wrong with me, that I throw away happiness with both hands?

First Raven, and now Vivien. Women whose feelings for me I've only repaid with criticism and nonacceptance. Women who told me I'm wonderful just the way I am, right before I pushed them away.

Clearly, they don't see the real me. I may look mild-mannered and diffident on the surface, but inside I'm an evil brute who burns everything I touch into ash.

Raven tried to care for me, but I trampled on her heart when she didn't want to be "normal" with me. And then I almost destroyed Charles because I hated to see my dearest friend in so much pain. My attempts to help him by giving him the serum only succeeded in making him a pitiful wreck of a man.

It's obvious that I'm a monster who ruins everything I love. Me, and my need to be normal.

So maybe Vivien was right, and I should go give it another try with Lucy.

Normal, regular Lucy, who I don't think I could ever love.

Surely that will keep her safe from me.