Education of the Heart

Confessions

Erik went to the workshop and started preparing something to eat. He looked at Dede, Rene and Jules who were sitting at the table, looking at him with their eyes large.

"You want to ask me something?" he said, knowing for sure what this was about.

"Erik murderer?" Dede asked, obviously not able to believe what he had heard.

Erik nodded and stared at the pot on the stove. He could not face them now. "It is true, Dede. I am a murderer. And a thief, extortionist and kidnapper. And a liar and fraudster." It was hard to speak it aloud. As long as he did not say it it was easier to pretend nothing had happened.

"But... murder is bad?" Rene asked.

"Yes, murder is bad. Very bad," Erik confirmed, not sure what to make of this.

"Why murder?" Jules asked.

Erik gulped, trying to find any answer to this. "I killed the stagehand Joseph Buquet. So I am a murderer and... that is a bad thing to be. I deeply regret what I have done."

"Kill us when bad?" Dede asked.

Erik spun round and stared at them in shock. "No! Of course I would never kill you! You are my friends!"

"Kill other men?" Rene asked.

"Not if I can help it, Rene. Please believe me - I do not want to do it again. I know it is difficult to trust me now, but... you are my friends, aren't you? You... I've been good to you, haven't I?" It sounded helpless and desperate, even to his own ears. He was begging them for forgiveness, to trust him and to stay friends. He needed them, needed them or he would be all alone again. They were the only human beings who really loved him. Everyone else just got along with him because they got some benefit from him.

Jules got up first, ran to Erik and hugged him affectionately. "Erik friend," he murmured, "Good friend."


Dr. Benevole was surprised when Erik asked to talk to him alone. Usually Erik would use his friends as some sort of moral support and distraction should he need to change the topic.

"I wanted to ask you to take me back to that little hospital and confine me there for the rest of my life," Erik confessed sadly.

Dr. Benevole's jaw dropped. His patient was doing so very well and he got reports from his colleagues who worked with other patients which were quite encouraging. Why would Erik - who was the first patient in this experiment and was doing exceptionally well now - would want to go back there?

"Dede, Rene and Jules... they found out I am a murderer. They love me nevertheless, they forgave everything but... the Buquet family. The boy, Maurice, he's fascinated by the things I make. He... wants me to teach him. I promised without thinking and now..." Erik held up his hands. "Do you think I can teach him? With these hands that choked the life out of his father? I am so very afraid I might grow to like the boy. What am I doing, doctor? I can't be this boy's mentor, I am the one who murdered his father! I am the last man who should be anyone's mentor."

Dr. Benevole took a deep breath. Nothing had prepared him for this difficult question but now Erik was there, asking for advise, and he could not let him down. But there was no answer to this question. "So you want to run away?" he asked, remembering Erik's first sentence.

Erik laughed humorlessly. "I do not want to exist any more but I can't take my own life, I can't run away, I can't do anything - I feel like a small boat on the ocean, I can't control anything now, I'm just drifting and I do not like where this is going. I just want to... shut myself away and never go out again."

"That did not work very well when you shut yourself away in the opera house," the doctor reminded him.

"That is something else altogether! I'm asking you to take me to an asylum and keep me there behind bars! Shut me in and be done with it - I give up."

Dr. Benevole was not sure what this was about now. He had seen Erik in this depressed state before, but never had Erik asked to be confined. He had only asked to be killed. Then another thought crossed his mind: "Tell me, are you just trying to avoid to take any responsibility for yourself? Right now you talk like a toddler, asking to be cared for 24 hours a day!"

Erik grinned. "Yes, that would be nice."

The doctor could not help laughing. He knew he was not keeping professional distance, he liked that man too much, but on the other hand he understood Erik's need to let go and have someone care for him for once.

"But your business is running good, isn't it? I asked Gontier, he's quite happy with that. Don't you like being a watchmaker? It is an honorable profession, isn't it?"

"It is working class," Erik spat, "And I could do so much more!"

"Now we are back to what? Day one of your therapy?" Dr. Benevole couldn't help getting angry. This was the same they had talked about for years. Erik felt he deserved better than what he got and refused to accept that being a genius wasn't enough - he would have to do hard work too to achieve his goals. If he had any idea what his goals would be, that is. Erik was constantly complaining that he was being denied - but right now he had a normal, respectable job, the complaints to the police were fewer and fewer, he was not accepted but tolerated to some degree in the neighborhood and there even were people who claimed to like him, like Gontier, Meunier, the doctor from the first floor, the tax adviser - they were not what one would call friends, but they liked him and treated him with politeness.

"And what would that be?" Dr. Benevole asked, "Do you even know that?"

"I know perfectly well what I want. I want to be manager of the opera house because I am the best qualified person in France for this job and I want Christine Daae as my wife!"

"O no," the doctor groaned, "Please tell me you haven't been stalking her again?"

"No. She wishes to marry that stupid glamour boy! By all means - let her. She's going to get what she deserves from him. Just wait and see. If he does not cast her out in the streets once he had had enough of her, he's going to betray her with every maid in his household and every ballet rat and chorus girl he could ever get. He's such a baby, I wonder if she will have to clean his..." Erik stopped himself. He was rambling on and didn't like it.

"You are jealous, that's all," the doctor told him, "You have no evidence for what you are accusing him of."

"Yes, I do! I heard him telling her what to do! He didn't respect her wish..."

"And you did?"

Erik shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "No," he admitted.

"Allright. Now that you have calmed down - what is it that you really want?" the doctor asked.

Erik chuckled. "Maybe I just wanted to bewail my cruel fate a bit. Thank you, doctor, I feel much better now. But the main problem still stands - Can I become a master, a mentor to Maurice? There is no law against this, but... I have a very bad feeling about this!"

"If you have such a bad feeling about this, why did you offer in the first place?"

Erik laughed bitterly. "Because I did what I always do - act first, think later, then try to find excuses and reasons. But I can't let the boy down now, can I? He's weak and of frail health. He feels he's the head of the family now, trying to replace his father - but he's so very young and he won't survive factory work for long. Tell me, doctor, what can I do without causing even more damage than I already have?"

"I am your psychiatrist. I can't make decisions for you and I certainly will not take responsibility for your decisions," Dr. Benevole informed him.

"But most decisions I made in the past turned out to be grave mistakes," Erik complained, "How am I to know if I am doing the right thing now?"

Dr. Benevole smiled. "You are close to being cured. You think about your decisions and possible consequences for yourself and others. Of course this is frightening - but what you experience now is what a boy usually goes through in adolescence. You somehow skipped that part of growing up."

"And this information is going to help me - how?" Erik asked. He still had no solution for his current problem.

Dr. Benevole sighed. He did not want the role of a father figure for his patient, who seemed to be older than himself. "What do you think is best for the boy?" the doctor asked, "If you were in his place - what would you do?"

"Kill that monster?" Erik suggested.

The doctor rolled his eyes and tried to stay calm. "If that is a joke it is not funny! I am serious, what would you do?"

"As am I. Do not think I take this lightly. Why does everyone think I have just a macabre humor? This is what I would have done. Or maybe not. I was a coward that time. Maybe I'd just duck down, keep quiet and do nothing. But I certainly would never ever want to work alongside anyone who killed any friend of mine!"

"Then there is your answer," the doctor told him with a smile, "Your idea that the boy would be a good watchmaker might be true - but there are others who could teach him."

"But neither I nor his mother have the money to pay any master watchmaker to take him in as apprentice!" Erik replied, "Any idea how I can get 2.000 Franc in two months time? I do not think the managers would lend me some money, if I asked nicely." Erik threw up both hands as he saw the doctor's shocked expression. "A joke. Just a joke. I'm done being an extortionist. Do you know how hard it was to explain to Dede, Rene and Jules what an extortionist is? They still do not understand why anyone would do something like that."

Erik leaned back in his chair. "So... what am I going to do now?"

"Go back and try to earn money," the doctor suggested, "I trust you to find a legal way to use your talents to earn enough."

Erik got up to check the doctors pulse. "No fever. Tell me, did you drink anything? Any drugs? Do you feel right?"

Dr. Benevole laughed. "I will miss you," he said.

"Miss me? Why?"

"When I declare you cured you won't need a psychiatrist any more. And now you are doing so very well, I think we do not need to see each other so often," Dr. Benevole decided, "So we will see each other once a months from now on. And if you are doing well... maybe next Christmas you are a free man."

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