BENEATH THE SURFACE
Part Forty-Eight
Remy LeBeau drew a breath of anticipation as he stepped out of the van in the garage of the institute. It felt so strange getting there, after over six months of being a stranger to it, of being away.
The drive up to the building had left him feeling strangely nervous; the mansion had seemed twice its size...perhaps triple the size. When he'd left it, the place had looked wintery, the gardens beginning to look bare and cold. Now the gardens lining the drive were bright and green, flower pots and flowering shrubs with little bursts of colour. There was more colour than he remembered seeing...he couldn't admit why it made him feel so strangely at ease, so encouraged.
He watched as Rogue moved around the van and went to the back to get the baby out; he couldn't stop himself from watching her take their son – oh god, their son – from the car seat. His breath caught a little in his throat, "watch his head," he said, his voice unsteady.
Rogue cradled the baby against her shoulder, she threw him a strange look, "Ah know how to take him out of a car..." she raised an eyebrow at him.
"Sorry," he drew a breath and tried to hold himself together, "sorry...I jus'..."
"It's nerve rackin', Ah get it...but Ah got this, Ah've got two weeks or practise on you..." she reminded.
Feeling slightly foolish he sighed.
"Your bag," she reminded, nodding towards the van.
"Oh...yeah," Remy rolled his eyes and went and retrieved the bag from the back of the van, all the while, glancing towards his wife, watching her carrying the baby to the door leading through the kitchen.
He followed quickly, trying to grab the door to hold it open for her but she'd already pushed it open. He felt even more foolish than before, he should have gotten the bag first, been there to open it for her. He was doing all the wrong things, he didn't know where he was supposed to be, he felt out of synch with himself and out of place. Everything was so different and it was going to take some time getting used to. It was going to need patience.
The kitchen smelled like a roast might be in the oven but Remy saw no one in sight, he gazed around the room, everything felt larger, cleaner, different, and yet definitely the same somehow. There were all kinds of pots on the stove, a few serving dishes set out on the counters waiting to be filled.
"Somethin' smells good," Remy commented, he stepped out in front of Rogue to get to the door leading out to the foyer before she did, intent on this time being there to open the door.
Rogue raised the baby a little, "isn't Junior, Ah think his fuel tank has sprung a leak."
"Shit or piss?" Remy eyed her, hand against the closed door.
She smirked at him a little, "one thing you have to learn when you have a baby...it's never shit or piss, Sugar. It's poo...and pee...and you're gonna have to get used to it from now on. The older he gets, you're gonna have to be careful about how you speak. Right now, it's fine, he's too young to understand but sooner or later..."
"Don' wan' his first word bein' shit I guess," Remy agreed.
Rogue nudged him, "come on, can't wait all day."
Remy pushed the door open for her and gazed through to the foyer; he wasn't expecting to see the banner there with his name. 'WELCOME HOME REMY', in bold silvery letters. He didn't expect to see balloons and people standing there waiting for his arrival looking positively pleased to see him.
He couldn't ever remember in all his nineteen years on earth of ever having anyone throw him a party.
He turned and looked away, feeling strangely torn and anxious, not wanting to go in, not wanting to be part of it. What if they asked where he'd been, what he'd been doing...they all thought he'd been gone focusing on his powers, not been going through intensive therapy to undo his traumatic childhood (not that anything could really be 'undone',). A strange welling of emotion hit him, tensing his neck and landing in the pit of his stomach, it was the second time that day he'd been caught by so much surprise and not really known how to deal with it.
"Go on," Rogue nudged him again with a grin, "go on in...they're waitin' for you..."
"You put 'em up to this?" he asked in a slightly nervous whisper.
"All them, Ah swear," Rogue stepped in first, he followed at her back as the students and the instructors of the institute all cheered upon his arrival.
"Not so loud!" Remy waved the sound down anxiously, "y' wan' upset him?"
"Five minutes a father and you're already playing worrywort?" asked Logan gruffy, "didn't picture that, somehow."
Remy tried to pay attention as Jean and Scott welcomed him with handshakes and hugs, his attention on Rogue as Kurt was being passed the baby.
"Who's had a big day out?" asked Kurt to the baby, talking in a ridiculously over-enthusiastic voice. "Yes you have, yes you have."
"He's definitely wet," Rogue informed.
"Let me go deal with that," Kurt cradled the baby against his furry neck. Remy couldn't help from suddenly wondering how hygienic that was.
"How are you feeling?" came someone's question, Remy wasn't sure who had asked, if it was Jean or Ororo, the voice barely registered. He tried to pull himself together, eyes following Kurt as he carried the baby off to where he couldn't see him.
"Hmm?" Remy asked.
"I said how are you feeling?" Ororo asked of him, she touched his arm.
"Oh...I...uhm..." Remy tried to pay attention, "I'm fine...I'm good...better than I ever was..."
"So what's the deal with your powers...? You got them fixed, right?" asked Bobby loudly.
Remy glanced briefly towards Rogue, didn't she even feel worried that someone else was holding their baby right now? Didn't she want to go follow and make sure Kurt knew what he was doing?
"Yeah, I...I got 'em fixed..." Remy nodded, trying to keep up with what was going on, emotion running high.
One of the paintings fell down from the wall just behind Jean; it slid down the wall with a bang, the gilded frame didn't seem to sustain any damage.
"Are you sure?" Jean asked, throwing a look at him, a smirk twisting her mouth. "Because that definitely wasn't me."
"Sorry," Remy drew a breath, "that...has a tendency t' happen every now and then..."
"It's fine," said Jean, she patted his arm, "telekinetic powers sometimes run on high emotion, and I'm sure you've had enough of it today, seeing your son for the first time..."
"Yeah," Remy nodded, he watched Logan picking the painting up and mounting it back on the wall, there didn't seem to be any damage to the hanging as far as he could tell.
"I can help you with it," Jean assured, "if you'd like."
"That'd be great..." Remy answered distantly as he turned to look for Rogue, she'd already abandoned him to do something, he wasn't sure what. He supposed the long journey had left her with another bladder emergency she had to take care of (she'd had to go to the rest room twice at the diner and they'd had to make a gas station stop on the way home so she could pee once more). He realised she shouldn't have had to tell him her every movement, but right now, the long distance from her left him tracking her every single move.
"So what you think of the squirt?" Jubilee asked.
"The squirt..." Remy repeated, turning to look at the others, he felt slightly overwhelmed, he tried not to let that get to him. He'd been warned by his therapists this may happen, he'd been working on preparing himself for it but when the baby had come into the picture, he'd forgotten all about his self training and preparation. All he'd been thinking about was the future of diapers, burping and trying to think ahead for what he may need to put aside for Junior's future.
"He's so bonny, right?" Rahne said enthusiastically.
"Bonny?" Remy repeated, a little unsure.
"Pretty, she means," Amara corrected, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah...he's...pretty..." Remy drew his breath. All the therapy seemed to go right out the window, his mind went slightly blank.
"Calm..." came a voice at his side, he felt a hand gentle upon his shoulder.
He turned expecting to look at someone face on, but then realised he had to look down to see the Professor in his wheelchair. Suddenly everything came flooding back, the way he'd behaved atrociously in the brig, the way he'd begged to not be sent away from his wife.
"Professor, I..." he began, not sure what to say.
"We'll speak later," Professor Xavier assured, "for now welcome home."
"All right, all right," said Logan loudly, he clapped his hands, his voice gruff as he continued, "lets get set up for dinner, give LeBeau some space to breathe."
Remy listened to the grunts and complaints of being sent back to whatever chores they were supposed to take care of before dinner. The welcome home party was brief, and Remy couldn't be more glad.
For the first time since coming into the foyer, Remy spotted Tabitha; she'd been standing mostly out of the way, her blonde hair was cut short as it had been when she'd been a member of the Brotherhood. She looked thin and healthy, her baggy t-shirt (one he remembered buying for her) was tied at the hip. Her makeup was less severe than it ever had been and he didn't want to admit to himself (just for fear of Rogue ever finding out) just how incredible she looked now (not that she ever had looked bad before).
He wasn't sure what to say, or if he was supposed to say anything, if he was allowed. It was her who made the first move.
"Hey..." she stepped over, hands behind her back.
"Hi," he managed, he tried to focus; he didn't want to accidentally nudge the painting down again. He hadn't quite figured out how to entirely control this telekinetic ability, this secondary power he'd never known he had until he'd realised the ghost hadn't been real. The recovery centre hadn't been quite prepared to teach him how to use those powers, the staff were still learning for the most part how to deal with most mutant powers themselves; for the most part remaining calm seemed to be the best way to stop it from occurring but he hadn't gotten to the part where he could focus and use it by choice.
"Look at you," Tabitha looked him up and down. "Your hair grew back."
"Yours got short..." he commented.
"Yeah, well, that was Scott's fault actually," Tabitha muttered, "one of his beams caught my ponytail and completely singed most of it so...yeah, Pixie cut."
Remy put his hands in his pockets, feeling a little out of sorts. It was strange, he used to be so confident but he felt less than confident right then. "Listen...I..." he looked around, noting everyone had already left.
"Look...everything that happened...it's water under the bridge..." Tabitha dug a toe into the rug at her feet, "six months is a long time...I've made peace with what happened...you're not the only one who's been doing therapy, you know."
Remy lowered his eyes, "I'm sorry."
Tabitha drew a breath, "I suppose you're not the only one who's supposed to be apologising," she nodded towards the staircase and she took a seat at the bottom. Remy followed her, curious to know what she had to say while at the same time wondering where his wife had gotten to and where Kurt was with his son. "You're not the only one to blame for everything that went down, I know that."
"Tab..." he sighed, shaking his head.
"I pursued you," Tabitha spoke up, "whether I knew or not it was Rogue...I knew you were married..." she pressed her hands between her knees, she frowned a little at the floor for a moment, "I was in a bad place – like you."
"I know," he said quietly.
"I have never had someone like you come along," she seemed to chew the inside of her cheek.
"What about Kurt?"
"Kurt isn't like you and me," Tabitha replied. "I like him...a lot. I'm even working on letting him give me a chance..."
"Letting him give you a chance?" Remy raised an eyebrow.
"Look, the point is...I should never have made a move, I get that, I always knew it but...I have had to take everything I ever wanted my whole life," Tabitha frowned towards the floor, "you get that, right?"
"I get it."
"All I saw was a really unhappy guy constantly trying to tell himself he was happy...and I was unhappy and I figured me and you could be happy together. I get it, it was wrong to try and go after you 'cause you were married, but I honestly thought it wasn't going anywhere, that you were just clinging onto it and it was going to end up getting you hurt anyway..."
Remy frowned to the floor as well.
"If you had said it was Rogue, I would have backed off..." Tabitha looked at him, "You should have been straight."
"I know..." Remy rubbed the back of his neck, "Tabitha, I never wanted t' keep anythin' a secret...y' know that. But Rogue was so afraid of what y' all was gon' say 'bout her. I know she's loved, I know everyone here adores her but...they also make fun o' her...they make judgements..."
"You've never been part of a large family before, have you?"
"Not a real one," Remy replied.
"That's what we do. We talk about each other behind each other's backs, we make fun of each other, we make snide comments, it's just how it is. It doesn't mean we don't like or love each other..." Tabitha sighed, "it took me a while to understand how it works. You think I wasn't judged too?"
"I know y' was," he responded quietly.
"Anyway," Tabitha sighed, "Look...all I'm trying to say is I was wrong, okay? I shouldn't have tried to interfere...that's all I wanted to say. I...shouldn't have mixed up how I felt...I've never really had that kind of thing happen before. My therapist thinks maybe I confused friendship for love...and...well, I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"I'm sorry I lied."
Tabitha shrugged, "Water under the bridge, right? So anyway...how were things in crazyville?" she asked.
Remy made a face, "crazy...f' a time. Good t' say crazyville left some time ago. Weren' a ghost...was me...was...somethin' I made up wit' out realisin' it. A mix o' guilt and trauma...I gave it a personality...had it soun' and look an' be like Jean-Luc. I'll tell y' about it later though," he stood slowly, "I'm real tired, dinner is soon and I got t' fin' Rogue an' the baby..."
Tabitha watched him, "how's it feel?"
"Hmm?"
"Coming home to a real family..."
Remy paused; it hadn't really struck him that's what it was. He stood there hanging on to the newel post, "feels...like comin' home t'...somethin' real..." he turned and looked over his shoulder at her, "Rogue tol' me what y' did f' her."
"Huh?"
"How y' took care o' her while I was gone, help her out."
"Least I can do right, after how things turned out. After what she did for me..." Tabitha said, "I know it was your money, you know."
"Was hers, gave her it t' spend however she wan'. Lemme tell y' somethin' about Rogue, Tab," he leaned against the post, "she cheap. Real cheap when it comes t' spendin' her money. So when she spend it..." he smirked, "its on somethin'...or someone she feel worth it."
Tabitha's cheeks burned a little.
"Hey...you about ready for your Christmas present?"
Remy turned as Rogue came around the corner from the direction of the downstairs bathroom. "There y' are...was wonderin' where y' vanished t'..."
"Ah told you...my bladder is all screwed up," Rogue grabbed his arm, "come on...let me take you to your Christmas present."
"What about the baby?" he asked feeling slightly worried.
"He's with Kurt, he's fine," Rogue raised an eyebrow, "Kurt is great with him."
"I'll go help Kurt with RJ until you guys get back," Tabitha got up from the stairs. As she passed by she ran a hand along Remy's arm, "it's good to see you again."
"Yeah...you too..." Remy nodded, and he watched the blonde disappear down the hall with a spring in her step. He turned to look at Rogue, expecting a slightly suspicious look but there was nothing.
"She's great with Junior," Rogue dragged him towards the driveway, "come on."
"Y' keepin' my Christmas presen' in the driveway?"
"Actually it was in the sub-basement," Rogue said, "Ah asked Logan to bring it up and he just text me to say it's outside right now...come on."
"Okay..." he nodded, feeling a little unsure while following her, clinging onto her gloved hand.
Rogue opened the door for him and pulled him down the porch steps, his present was parked right out front; a thing of beauty with a gleaming red and white paint job. It looked brand new.
"Marie..." he breathed.
Rogue grinned, "Ah couldn't get a Zodiac...Ah'm sorry, Ah tried so hard..." she pulled him down closer towards the car, "this is kind of like it, right?"
"Is this a Zephyr?" he asked excitedly, he let go of her hand to move over to the car and gaze in at the pristine red leather interior.
"1958 Ford Zephyr," Rogue hopped excitedly, "it took months to restore it. Me and Logan did it durin' downtime. Kurt and Scott even helped during weekends when Ah got too big to help," she dangled the keys in front of him.
"It's beautiful..." He went to grab for the keys, his heart leaping.
Rogue held the keys behind her out of reach, she grinned. "First of all..." she said, her expression turning serious, "No drivin' it alone for a while, okay? Ah know you're a confident driver, but after that last wreck-"
"The ghost caused that last wreck," he commented.
Rogue sighed, "that's what Ah figured later, when the Professor told me about it..." she held the keys, "anyway...just humour me."
"Okay..." he nodded reaching for the keys, she held them out of his reach still.
"And Junior does not ride in this car, is that clear?"
"It's safe, ain' it?" he asked.
"It's safe. There's no customizations, so you won't be findin' this goin' at a hundred and fifty or two hundred like some of our other cars, just so you know," Rogue warned, "although Ah did have Logan re-inforce the bodywork so it's harder...just to be sure you're safe."
"Well ain' you sweet," he smirked, he reached for the car keys, she leaned back against the car, holding the keys behind her back.
"Promise me," Rogue said softly, "Junior does not ride with you...not in this car."
"Okay, I promise," he nodded, he slipped his arm round her and clasped the keys behind her back, he felt her gripping hard onto them, refusing to pass them just yet.
"Just one other thing..." Rogue added softly.
"Whatever y' wan'," he promised.
She stood on her tiptoes and gently swept her lips against his; it was so brief, so barely there at all and he almost didn't immediately feel the sting of her powers, didn't feel that flash like burn upon his lower lip that he knew he should have. He stepped back a little, feeling slightly drained by the kiss, she looked at him, he saw the look on her face cross with despair as she was met with memories that didn't belong to her.
"Y' are weaker," he realised, he pulled his hand away from hers, the keys releasing from her grip. That slight touch should have been enough to send him unconscious.
She searched his eyes, her expression full of hurt and worry.
"Don' say it," he asked of her gently, "I know y' saw somethin' y' weren' prepared t' see..."
"Remy..." she managed, sounding very upset.
"We'll talk it over later...when we get some time alone, okay? Maybe y' can come t' my room t' night..."
Rogue raised an eyebrow at him, a strange look crossed her face.
"What?" he asked.
"Ah guess Ah forgot to tell you we share a room now..."
"We do?"
"For the moment," she said, "Ah moved into your room in December...the crib is in there...it's a little cramped with all my stuff and the baby's stuff at the moment but...we're sharin'."
"Cramped, huh?"
"It didn't make sense to have us takin' up two separate rooms now...and we're short on space as it is."
"I guess we gon' have t' get used t' cramped livin' conditions," he smirked, not at all sorry at the thought of it.
"Not for too long. Professor is havin' the boat house renovated for us, havin' it extended so there's a second room for Junior. We'll have our own place, just like a real couple."
"Serious?"
"Serious..."
"This day jus' keeps gettin' better an' better," Remy grinned, already the sting of sharing his unhappy memories with her beginning to burn away.
"Yeah, you say that now, wait until Junior is wakin' you up at night..." she smirked, "come on, go on look inside your present."
Remy unlocked the car and got in, leaning over unlock the manual lock at the other side. As Rogue climbed in, he paused, staring at the perfect interior, everything was red, the leather was incredibly soft against his bare hands, "there's an old radio...jus' like the Zodiac..." he said absently, still reeling from the kiss and the news they'd be sharing a bed now.
"It is the one from the Zodiac," Rogue admitted, "me and Logan went and salvaged some of the parts, it cost...Ah won't lie...but that was one of the pieces they salvaged...it still works too."
Remy put the key into the ignition and turned, the engine came to life, he'd expected it to be loud but it purred quietly. "Oh...that's a nice soun'..." he confessed.
"Hank made a few little modifications...there's a lot of modern parts...it looks old, it's really new. It's an old lookin' new car..." she supposed, "it handles like a dream."
"I can' wait t' drive it..." he confessed, "Marie...this is probably the secon' bes' present anyone give me..." he confessed, he touched the dashboard fondly.
Rogue raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow, "what's the first?"
He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment, it felt foolish to say it out loud as he'd thought of it, "the baby..."
"You mean that?" she asked softly, her eyes seeming a little misty.
"I mean it..." he gave a deep sigh, he felt like he was exhaling out the past year of misery and finally it was leaving him. He slouched down in the soft car seat a little, "Ironic ain' it?"
"What is?"
"I got a wife an' a kid...was exactly the life I was tryin' t' avoid in the first place...now I got it all...ain' any o' it I asked f'...an' yet...it's all I want."
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure..." Remy turned, gazing out of the open driver's side door as Kurt and Tabitha came out of the Mansion with Junior, he looked significantly more awake than he had most of the day. Remy leaned forward on the wheel and smiled to himself. "I'm real sure."
"Y' wanted t' see me?"
Remy felt the Professor's cool blue eyes upon him; it was a rather formal meeting in the Professor's office after dinner to discuss the after care part of his release from the recovery centre. Remy at first had thought a month ago that when it was time for his release, that was going to be it. No...apparently these kinds of situations had to be monitored carefully, watched for any changes.
"Of course," said the Professor, gesturing to the couch, "have a seat."
Remy sat down, slumping a little, he felt exhausted and weighed down.
"You seem tired, Remy," Professor Xavier admitted softly.
"Ain' anythin' t' worry about," Remy assured, he let his elbow sit on the armrest and propped his cheek against his palm, "I was up all night kinda...I dunno..."
"Anxious about coming home?" the Professor asked.
"Not anxious...well...maybe a lil'," Remy supposed. "Didn' know what I was comin' home t'...didn' know if Rogue was gon' accept me after everythin' that happened, after I near kill her..."
"She understood you weren't yourself...everything was explained to her. After your departure, Dr. Forbes came to visit to explain the situation to her."
"Yeah, she mention that when we was at lunch earlier t' day," Remy nodded wearily.
"I just wanted to check in with you, see if everything is all right. You've had a rough day, sitting across the table from you at dinner I could see you had a little anxiety."
"It's not anxiety...it's jus'...it's been a shock is all, y' know?" Remy shrugged, "comin' home...learnin' y' got a son and that a lot of things have changed...it's big, y' know. I ain' anxious, I'm jus'...I'm tryin' t' come t' terms wit' things, tryin' t' think ahead, get used t' what's changed."
"I see," Professor Xavier nodded, "for the moment, despite you're of independent age, you've been released in to my care for the time being," he explained, his voice quiet, "you've made it through recovery splendidly, but you still have steps you need to take to ensure you don't relapse."
Remy nodded, "therapy session once a mont' t' check in wit' Dr. Forbes," he began, "group sessions once a week on a Wednesday afternoon. An' I got t' keep takin' the medication f' now."
"Is the medication helping?"
"I ain' a psycho any more...so I guess the anti-psychotic-ness o' them did the trick," he teased, the Professor didn't smile back. "I ain' seen anythin' since December when they figured out what the right medication was t' help wit' it," Remy replied quietly, "I don' like havin' t' take 'em...but...if that's the way it got t' be, that's the way it got t' be. I can't fuck this up...it ain' jus' me I got t' think about any more...I don' jus' got everyone here t' worry 'bout hurtin' if I relapse but..." he took a breath and couldn't finish. The thought of what could happen almost made him hurt physically.
"You have Junior to think about now."
"God," Remy groaned, "that name..." he shook his head, "and yeah...if anythin' happen...I'd never forgive myself. Surprised any o' you coul' f' give me after what I did t' Rogue."
"You weren't yourself, we didn't know exactly what we were dealing with...I was foolish not to have had you sent to the recovery centre sooner," Professor Xavier frowned, "I'm as much to blame for what happened to Rogue. I was so convinced I could help you..."
"Y' did," Remy assured. "Y' had me sent away f' my own good, y' tol' me that an' I remember spittin' at y' an' swearin' at y' f' it. But y' probably the firs' person t' tell me that that actually meant it...y' sent me away t' get the best care y' coul' get me...weren' nothin' in it f' you."
"There's nothing you feel like discussing right now? Nothing troubling you?"
"Jus'...a few things," Remy confessed, "What kind o' measures are bein' taken t' protect my son shoul' we end up under attack? He's so small...he can't defend himself...what if somethin' happen?"
Professor Xavier smiled a little, he didn't answer at first.
"What y' smirkin' at?" Remy queried.
"Just...your immediate level of worry, it's surprising. I'd have thought you still to be too shocked to be thinking that far ahead," he confessed.
"I always try t' think ahead..." Remy confessed, "guess it's part o' my trainin' as a thief..."
"There's a small device on his ankle," the Professor began, "it recognises the mutant signatures of everyone in this mansion as well as any sudden movements from an unknown signature, and a protective forcefield will stop anything from getting close to him. An alarm will also sound to Rogue, Kurt and the instructors should that happen so someone will be able to get to him and get him to safety. The boathouse is being lead lined with shutters that will secure the windows and the doors should there be an attempted attack on it although chances are that if an attack occurs, the boathouse would be overlooked for the main mansion. In any event, we've worked out contingency plans well in advance – believe me, we are leaving nothing to chance."
Remy drew a breath, "sorry, it ain' that I doubt y' gon' take care of him..."
"I understand," Professor Xavier admitted, "it's daunting...being responsible for another life, being fearful for that life. Junior is safe here...and every day we are working on making it safer for him, for the others and for you."
I suppose I got t' be sure I hol' up my end and make sure I do what I'm supposed t' so I don' put anyone at risk either, Remy thought. "Professor...I spoke t' Rogue about this, but...I wan' be real clear t' you too," he straightened a little, "shoul' anythin' happen...anythin' at all..."
"Such as?"
"Hallucinations come back...or...god forbid, somethin' in my personality comes through...somethin' that wasn' there before, somethin' that makes y' think I coul' be capable o'...o' bein' like Jean-Luc, y' can't hesitate in removin' me from here...an' if y' ever see me lift my hand t' Rogue or...or t' the baby...or do somethin' that's inappropriate or wrong...don' hesitate f' a momen' t' do what's necessary t' stop me. Even if means killin' me..."
"You're worried about relapsing, but I've been informed that it's very unlikely that you'll ever experience those issues again," Professor Xavier said, "but in any event, let me assure you that if the day ever came – which I doubt it will – we will all do whatever is necessary to protect our own."
"Thank you," Remy nodded.
"Now," said the Professor, he straightened a little, "I'm sure Rogue told you about my plans to integrate you into the team?"
"She said somethin' about it," Remy said.
"It's very straight forward. You've been out of commission shall we say for some time. After a few days of rest, if you feel ready I'm going to put you into training with the New Mutants for a few weeks – just as a precaution to get you up to scratch – as well as some intensive training with Logan and Ororo. Jean, well, she's going to help you work on those telekinetic abilities to try and master them for the field – as I understand the staff at the Recovery Centre were only able to help you mostly control it from occurring accidentally but not on honing it and controlling it to your own advantage. Hopefully within a month or two, you'll be in the field with us if all goes well...depending on how successful your retraining is."
Remy nodded, "course."
"It wouldn't overwhelm you?"
"Not at all...let me get out there, let me do somethin' useful. Jus' don' send me back t' school."
"We'll discuss the school situation later," the Professor assured, "for now, I can see you're tired, and I'm sure you'd like to rest."
"Rest can come later, gon' spen' a little time wit' Rogue an' the kid...I got a lot t' catch up on."
"Indeed."
Remy left the Professor's office feeling sluggish and tired, the day had felt perpetually long and at the same time ridiculously fast. He was still reeling from it all. He checked the rooms downstairs but found no sign of his wife, so tiredly he trudged upstairs to look. As he approached his bedroom – the last place he thought to look – he heard the voices.
Rogue and Kurt were both talking in ridiculously cartoon voices with exaggerated accents. Remy hung at the door and gazed in, they were both sitting folded legged on the king-sized bed, the baby was laying there gazing up as Rogue and Kurt held up stuffed toys (which Remy thought looked suspiciously like stuffed plushy versions of Hank and Kurt) talking through them and making them dance around in the air.
Remy smirked a little and he leaned against the door frame to watch the scene, a silent laugh making his chest shake a little.
Rogue looked up eventually, Remy wasn't sure if she heard him standing there or sensed him, "look," she leaned down and whispered to Junior, "it's daddy."
Daddy, Remy thought with a strange tingle. That was the first time anyone would call him that. It wasn't exactly unpleasant but it was slightly jarring initially. He moved in to the room, composing himself, "Y' put on quite a show."
"Don't be jealous of our acting skills," Rogue snorted in contempt, "Your son loves it."
"He's two weeks ol' and probably doesn' even see much more than a couple o' blurs," Remy sat on the edge of the bed, the baby wasn't wearing anything other than a diaper, which looked far too large to accommodate the tiny body. There was a little stump at the belly button which looked horrible and almost brown and Remy felt slightly unnerved by that. Was it normal?
"He hears the voices, he sees the movement, it's entertaining him," Kurt assured. Kurt glanced at his watch, "darn, I better go get to that homework before bed, or I'll be chewed out in the morning by the teachers. Besides...I'm...sure you guys want to be alone," he gave a sly smirk.
"Don't teleport!" Rogue warned him.
"Sorry..." Kurt stopped himself, "forgot...I'll use the door...like a normal person."
Remy watched as Kurt left the room, closing the door behind himself.
"The smoke from Kurt's 'porting makes Junior cough," Rogue explained, she danced her bare fingers down the baby's stomach and back up, "where were you?"
"Prof wanted to see me, discuss things...medication...team stuff, that sort o' thing," Remy lay on his side across the end of the bed, gazing at his son, the tiny legs were kicking up quite a bit. Remy had visions of this one being a famous soccer player some day. "Where his clothes?"
"It's his bath time soon," Rogue lay on her side opposite him, the baby between them. "Then a feed, then bed."
"Early nights now, huh?"
"For now when he sleeps, Ah sleep," Rogue explained. "Or Ah don't sleep much at all."
"What's wrong wit' his belly?" Remy gestured to the black stump.
Rogue gently smacked his arm away, "don't touch it."
"What is it?"
"It's his umbilical stump and it's really delicate and sensitive to infection so don't touch it with your unwashed hands," she warned.
"Oh..." he wrinkled his nose. "So...is it gon' go away?"
"It'll fall off eventually...then we have to care for the part underneath until that heals."
"Jesus," Remy groaned, "no one ever tells y' this shit..." he raised his own t-shirt and looked at his own stomach thoughtfully, wondering who'd done this for him when he'd been Junior's age.
"Tell me about it," Rogue made a face.
Remy ran the backs of his fingers over the baby's hair, "how y' stand it?"
"How do Ah stand what?" she asked curiously.
"Bein' away from him f' even a second...like when y' leave him wit' me or...wit' Kurt and y' dart off t' go pee...how y' stand it?" he asked, he gave a little frown, "When y' leave him wit' me this afternoon outside...y' had no guarantee I was gon' be okay wit' him. I coul' have freaked an'...taken off wit' him...coul' have hurt him..." he worried.
"Ah trust you enough to know you'd never hurt a baby, Remy, especially your own..." she pulled herself up with a grunt of exhaustion and picked Junior up, then started making her way for the door. "You comin'?"
"Where?" he got up.
"To the bathroom, to bathe Junior...you should learn to do this too...there's so much you're gonna need to learn, sugar if you really want to be involved." she headed down towards the instructors private bathroom.
"I do want to be involved," he followed quickly into the bathroom.
"Ah've had to read books for months to learn all this stuff...Ah saved a lot of them for you, they're by your side of the bed," she passed the baby to him, "Ah put post it notes in a lot of the stuff Ah thought would be useful, Ah wasn't even sure if you'd ever want to read them or...want to be a part of this at all."
"I wan' be a part in all aspects o' it..." Remy held Junior in his arms, marvelling at how incredible the brand new skin felt, so velvety and pure and perfect. "He's so...soft..."
"Yeah..." Rogue opened a closet in the wall and pulled out a plastic baby's bath tub and placed it on the counter. "Hank hated the thought of me usin' a store bought product to wash the baby with and he made this organic stuff that he said would help heal his belly button – Ah don't know what's in it but this stuff is incredible. Ah even started usin' it and in days my skin felt softer than it's ever been before."
Remy sighed, he didn't suppose he'd really know unless something about her powers changed eventually. "Not that I'll ever get t' fin' out."
"Oh, stop givin' that down in the dumps look," Rogue threw him a look, a wry smirk on her face as she ran the faucet and checked the temperature, "Ah suppose you're going to complain about the lack of sex at the recovery centre," she lay a clean towel inside the baby bath she began filling a plastic jug at the sink and carting it into the plastic tub.
"There was sex," Remy commented, "jus' not wit' other people..."
"Well...it's gonna be a while longer," Rogue washed her hands then set out a fresh wash cloth and the tub of what was labelled 'Baby wash'. "Junior's birth was easy and all but it takes a while to heal up...my body isn't the way you remember it and the truth is it may never be again. And sex...Ah don't know how long it's gonna before Ah even feel up to it."
Remy cradled the baby in his arms making sure not to touch the little unhealed stump, "I can live wit' out. I got this far wit' out it...six months is the longest I ever abstained...I coul' probably do a few month...or however longer it takes..."
"Ah know it's not what you wanted to hear..." Rogue admitted.
"It's fine, seriously," he said, "I know a lot has t' change..." Remy glanced down, the baby was trying to suck on the front of his t-shirt. "What's he doin'?"
"He's doin' what his daddy usually does...lookin' for boobs," Rogue smirked, she turned the faucet off and checked the water temperature, "okay, give him over."
"Mind his head," Remy said nervously.
Rogue shook her head at him, "Stop bein' so nervous..."
"I can't help it..." he looked away as she began peeling the diaper off. "I ain' had anythin' so fragile before..."
"Ah know it's scary, don't worry, you're gonna do fine, now come on over..." Rogue urged.
Remy moved over, eyes averted to the sight of his son as Rogue lowered him into the warm water.
"Somethin' wrong?" she asked.
"No..."
"Remy...it's your son..."
"I know that..."
"He's just a baby...you can look at him..."
Remy couldn't explain why it felt wrong. Perhaps it was just all that Jean-Luc had done that made him so unnerved to be around a naked child, as if something might trigger, as if it might turn him into the person he feared the most. Remy straightened himself and tried to look but moved his eyes away, it was too soon. "Sorry..." he mumbled.
"It's okay..." Rogue sighed, "Ah get it...Ah do...but he's just a baby...there's nothin'...wrong about this..." she grabbed the wash cloth and dipped it into the water.
"Look...I..." he drew a nervous breath, "Maybe I shouldn' be involved in this part...y' know? Maybe there's certain parts o' it I shoul' jus' distance myself from..."
"Because you'd have to touch him..." Rogue realised, she gently washed Junior's scrunched up face and neck.
He looked away, his face turning red, "it's gon' sound weird...but...I jus' ain' comfortable wit' that..."
"Remy, if you want to be involved, there's things you might need to get comfortable with..." she gently ran the cloth over the baby's chest.
Remy leaned on the counter nearby, trying to gather himself.
"Sugar...it's natural, it's parenthood," she explained, "believe me, Ah was embarrassed too the first time Ah had to wash him and change the diaper..."
"Really?" he asked quietly.
"Ah cried and wished he'd been a girl because Ah thought if he'd been a girl at least it might have felt more...Ah don't know...appropriate," she confessed, she gave a nervous laugh. "Ah had to embarrassingly stand and watch as Ororo showed me how to do it all. Touchin' him felt so...so icky...so inappropriate!"
He turned from the bath entirely, letting his backside rest against the counter, "this ain' the same, Marie."
Rogue turned to gaze at him, "you're not going to turn into your father, Remy..."
"You don' know that," Remy frowned towards the marble floor tiles, "No one does."
"Ah know it," she replied, "Look at him, Remy..." she urged.
Remy shook his head.
"Look at him..." she stopped what she was doing.
Remy looked over his shoulder a little into the small plastic tub, the baby was supported there by the towel and Rogue's arm, he looked comfortable although he was wriggling and making faces. Everything about him was so perfect but Remy couldn't make himself look any lower than his still healing belly button. He turned away again and gave a small sigh.
Rogue was quiet for a few moments as she went back to washing Junior, who was whimpering a little now. "Logan was right," she said softly, "he's always right...and yet...Ah never listen," she shook her head at herself.
"What y' mean?"
"It was always decided Logan was goin' to be the one to come get you from the recovery centre," Rogue answered, her voice a little thick, "But Ah was so...Ah guess anxious to see you...excited...Ah've missed you so much..."
"I missed y' too," Remy responded quietly.
"Logan said to me 'don't go there, don't take the kid, you'll freak him out, you'll overwhelm him'."
Remy counted the tiles on the floor, listening as she spoke.
"But Ah was so desperate to bring him to you," Rogue turned and stared at him, her eyes slightly misty, "to show you this beautiful little boy you made...to show you how perfect he is..."
Remy looked up towards the ceiling, feeling his eyes slightly water, "He is perfect," he agreed softly, "me on the other hand, my chere..." he turned and looked at her, "I ain'...an' I mos' likely never will be."
Rogue listened to him, saying nothing, allowing him to speak.
"An' I'm scared..."
"It's okay to be scared," Rogue stopped and turned to look at him, "Ah'm scared too..."
"Y' are?"
"Everythin' scares me right now. That he'll get sick, that Ah'll hurt him when Ah pick him up. That he'll stop bein' immune to my powers..." she held the washcloth out to Remy, "what doesn't scare me is the thought of you with him. Never in my mind even for a second has it occurred to me you had it in you...if Ah had do you think Ah would ever leave you with him?"
"Y' said it y'self, y' never listen t' Logan and he's always right. If y' got the capacity t' be wrong wit' him..." Remy trailed off.
"Ah'm not wrong about you," Rogue said firmly, "Ah've never been so sure of anythin' in my life..."
Remy dropped his eyes to the washcloth in her hand.
"But if you're not ready for this...it's fine," she admitted. "You can set your own pace, be involved when you want to be. It's up to you..."
Remy looked down at the cloth; listening to every word. How could she trust him after he'd stabbed her? How could she have no doubt?
But god he wanted to be involved in this. Already he'd missed nine months of pregnancy and two weeks of parenthood and preparing for it, and he was desperate to not miss any more.
Y' ain' gon' hurt him, Remy said. He ain' gon' switch anythin' on in y' brain, he ain' gon' trigger anythin' evil...anythin' malicious...those things ain' there, they never were.
Feeling quite uncertain, Remy took the cloth from her, "okay," he breathed, "show me what I have t' do."
Remy couldn't sleep.
It was the first time in months, really other than last night he had struggled to sleep. All through his final night at the recovery centre, he'd lay awake thinking of the conversations he was going to have, how he'd spent months preparing himself. Really, it had been the anxiety of seeing Rogue that had kept him up most of all, the worry of going home to find that she'd fallen out of love with him.
Now he was up for a different reason.
He lay there curled up against his wife, she was fast asleep, she'd fallen asleep practically before her head had hit the pillow after feeding the baby and finally settling him down for the night. He'd tried talking about some things with her, tried to continue their conversation from the diner but she'd fallen asleep so fast that it hadn't gotten anywhere. He felt almost disappointed but tried not to take it to heart or feel a little dejected. It wasn't her fault...motherhood was definitely exhausting her.
We'll get there, jus' gon' take time...
Remy raised his head and gazed down at her, her mouth hung open, she was drooling on his Egyptian cotton pillow cases, he saw the water mark spreading a little in the dim purplish light from the colour-changing bulb in his bedside lamp. He pressed his hand against her belly, her flesh was still incredibly soft from the pregnancy, different to how he remembered her hard toned stomach being and somehow it made him feel only more in love with her.
How many times before he'd left had he lay with her like this and been holding onto the baby without even knowing of it?
Remy wanted to feel resentful of that, that he'd been there, right there, holding onto her belly and she hadn't said a word. It was unfair...having missed out, having never been involved.
It occurred to him if he had known about Rogue being pregnant that the months and months in therapy might have been vastly different to how they had been. He wasn't certain if it would have pushed him to recover more quickly and make more effort, or if it'd have sent him to a state of panic. He imagined himself being kept up at night with worries of Rogue and the pregnancy...worrying if she was eating right or having any problems. Worrying about the birth.
Worrying if he could ever go back.
Yes, he'd have definitely worried either way.
Baby is so quiet, Remy thought, listening to the absolute silence of the room.
Gently, he planted a soft kiss upon the shoulder of his wife's pyjama top and left the bed, trying to be as silent as possible, being careful not to disturb her. He tripped over a stuffed teddy bear and stumbled a little. He thought of the way Kurt and Rogue had been playing with the Junior before his bath time. That goofy voice Rogue had used, the way her eyes had glimmered and the way her lips had pulled into a smile.
As young as she was, and as much of a mistake the pregnancy had been, Remy couldn't deny that the girl was probably happy for the first time in her young life. It seemed to have given her some sort of purpose that she hadn't known she'd needed or wanted.
Remy put the teddy bear aside and moved over to the crib to gaze in at Junior, who was lying on his back, a serene expression on his tiny face. He saw so much of Rogue in Junior, the same serene sleeping expression she had right now. The same soft mouth, the same nose, even her eyebrows.
He was so still and Remy felt a little surge of panic; were babies meant to be so still? Was he breathing? Remy nervously put a hand in the crib and placed it against Junior's stomach and held his breath, concentrating on feeling anything. Yes, the lightest shifting of the little belly rising as Junior breathed, the tiniest of heartbeats. In the purplish light, Remy saw Junior's mouth twitch a little, almost as if in a half smile and for the first time, Remy spied a dimple upon the tiny cheek. Was he dreaming?
Remy felt his heart swelling in his chest so large it almost seemed as if it would explode. Those perfect long curled eyelashes...he'd seen babies before, but never with such long perfect lashes. Remy lowered himself to lean on the edge of the crib and gaze down at his son.
The thought crossed his mind again.
My son. He's my son...
Jesus...how had it come to this? How could something that had clearly been such a mistake feel like...a privilege? Remy couldn't explain why he felt so in awe, so blessed and yet at the same time so unworthy to be standing there gazing in at him. He couldn't explain why he was so enamoured by the sight of him that it physically hurt to breathe almost.
Twenty hours ago he hadn't even known about the baby...and now he felt so worried for the little one that he found it hard to sleep because the baby was too quiet, that he had to know he was still breathing.
Remy moved from the crib sighing inwardly, wondering if he was really cut out for this. He sat down at the end of his side of the bed, noticing a couple of boxes stacked; one of them was an unopened box of diapers, the other a box of baby wipes. There was a skechers shoebox on the top of the box, and the name 'Remy' had been scribbled quickly with a permanent marker. Curiously, he picked the box up and moved closer to the light.
There were a bunch of items inside he hadn't quite expected to find. The first item that caught his eye was a pregnancy test stick. He picked it up gingerly and examined it in the purple light and could make out the clear plus sign. It was a positive result, he realised this had probably been the one she'd taken when she'd realised she might still be pregnant. He dropped his eyes into the box finding a stack of photographs in an envelope, the top one being an ultrasound scan, it being really hard to see much of what was in it other than a small greyish blur. The rest of the photos were of Rogue in various stages of pregnancy, first still looking considerably slim but by Christmas (a rather fetching photo of her standing by the fifteen foot tree in the foyer) she was starting to look slightly heavy. She'd taken to wearing his hooded sweatshirt – one that had been accidentally left behind when someone had packed for him when he'd been sent to the recovery centre. As the photos continued and the months melted away, Rogue seemed to get more and more pregnant in her candid photos, her stomach protruding more and more. The photos showed her with the others, smiling, laughing, looking happy although in others Remy saw slight sadness and anxiety too.
Remy liked a rather pretty one of Rogue and Tabitha together, Rogue was heavily pregnant and it was Easter judging by a pair of pink bunny ears Tabitha was wearing. The final photos in the first pile were of the baby what must have been only seconds after being born, the blurry image of him looking slimy and red laid upon a tearful-looking Rogue's chest, his body naked with the umbilical still attached. There were photos of the others with him, one of Logan holding him and looking almost misty eyed and rather unlike himself.
I guess he ain' as much of a hard ass as he likes t' think, Remy thought with some amusement as he flicked through the photos in the second pile. There were several of Kurt with the baby, and a few of Tabitha, a rather touching photo of Tabitha kissing the baby's tiny head caught Remy's eye, it showing a soft side of Tabitha she didn't like to show too much. Photos of Kitty, Scott and Jean holding toys up towards Junior, grinning and happy, Junior seemingly sleeping as far as Remy could tell. There was even a photo of the Professor holding Junior, looking at him with a much softer gaze than he ever offered anyone else.
Everyone loves him, Remy realised, sifting through the stack of photos, of which were many considering the baby was only two weeks old. Everyone seemed to have been going around like paparazzi as far as he could tell when it came to the baby being nearby. Maybe he pick up my mutant charm, Remy found himself thinking. Even Logan, grumpy and gruff, in a picture sitting in an arm chair in what looked to be the formal living room, clearly snoozing, the baby against his chest securely in his arms.
He's never gon' be short o' love...seem like everyone wants t' be part o' his life, Remy thought. It had seemed that way from the moment they had come home earlier that day and Kurt had whisked Junior away to change him. How at dinner time, everyone had wanted to take turns of holding him despite it interrupted meal time slightly – even the younger children, Bobby, Jamie...even Amara had practically fought to hold him. He'd found it hard to get any time to hold the baby himself up until Rogue had finished bathing and feeding him and even then that time had been short because the baby had to be put down to sleep.
Remy had never expected to feel so touched and so very encouraged by the way everyone cared, he felt so strangely safe, so reassured that his child was going to be taken care of no matter what happened, no matter if anything should happen to himself or Rogue.
Remy found the birth certificate in the box along with a few other things, a tiny black ink print of Junior's left foot on a piece of card that had been framed. A 'Congratulations – it's a Boy' card signed by everyone in the mansion.
He smiled a little, feeling slightly better despite being so uninvolved up until now; he wondered if it'd been Rogue's intention with this box, for this to be a time capsule so he could look back on the months he hadn't been there. Or if when 'Remy' had been written on the box, it had been referring to their son, not himself.
A soft whimpering caught Remy's attention and he put the box down and got up, he moved quickly to the crib, the baby was starting to wriggle...starting to whimper quietly.
"Ssssh," he whispered, he reached in and rubbed the baby's belly lightly, "y' don' wan' wake y' momma..."
Junior didn't seem to care much about this and let out a little quiet wail.
"Sssh ssh," Remy tried desperately, he glanced over to Rogue who was sleeping. She'd been so exhausted all day, it almost broke his heart to the thought of having to wake her to quiet the baby. He tried to remember how she'd shown him he should pick the baby up. He leaned down and as best he could, still nervous, pulled the baby up from the crib.
Support the head, support the head, be careful o' his lil' neck, Remy thought anxiously. His heart rate slowed a little as he finally got Junior into his arms, cradling him against his chest, cupping his tiny head and bouncing him gently against him. "Don' wake Momma up," he murmured, feeling an odd pang of the unfamiliar in referring to Rogue as that. What did she call herself? Mom? Mommy? Mother?
No, 'Mother' is far too Norman Bates even f' her likin', Remy decided. It had to be momma.
Junior cried a little near Remy's chin, Rogue stirred, groaning in her sleep but not waking.
Fuck, he thought helplessly. He's gon' wake her.
He glanced towards the door and decided the best course of action was to leave the room, even if it were to just sit in the hall while he tried to calm their son down, just to make the sound less audible so she wouldn't waken.
The hallway was slightly cooler than the bedroom, Remy wondered if even though the weather was warm the heating was on in his bedroom to be sure the baby wasn't cold. Nothing had been mentioned to him, he'd only noticed it was the first time he'd ever really known his room to be warm.
It didn't surprise Remy that as he stood there rocking the baby and trying to get him to quiet down that Logan's bedroom door opened, and Logan appeared looking slightly tired and grumpy, hair flat on one side, his face unshaven.
"I wake y'?" Remy asked, wincing.
"No, but he did," Logan said. "My hearin' can't tune him out, slightest noise and I'm alerted..."
"Sorry."
"Rogue not wake up?" Logan gave a yawn.
"I didn' wan' wake her...she looked exhausted...I don' think she's slept much lately."
"Yeah, she's got at least eighteen years of that to contend with," Logan nodded in the direction of the hall, "come on," he yawned again.
"Where we goin'?" Remy asked, following, holding the baby and minding every step.
"He has to be fed. It's nearly time for his night feed."
"But Rogue is-" Remy looked anxiously at his bedroom door.
"Relax," Logan staggered tiredly down the hall towards the stairs, "she expressed some earlier."
Remy shuddered a little inwardly, the thought of Logan mentioning that made him slightly uncomfortable.
"Apparently there's such a thing as too much milk in pregnant mothers – this I had no idea about until two days after the kid was born," Logan grumbled, leading the way down the stairs, "She either expresses it and keeps it aside for an emergency, or she doesn't and she ends up changin' shirts five times a day and then cryin' with embarrassment. Since about day four, there's always been a bottle in the fridge."
"You been doin' the night feed?" Remy raised an eyebrow, following him, being so very careful of each stair as he went down.
"For the past week, a couple times I have," Logan led the way down the hall towards the kitchen, "I don't need much sleep. I know it's her responsibility and she wants to do it all herself but I'd rather give her the chance to sleep."
"Y' sure it ain' 'cause y' a lil' sweet on him?" Remy asked, raising an eyebrow.
Logan entered the kitchen, switching on the light, "I don't do babies, LeBeau. I'm not the paternal type, in case you noticed."
Remy smirked a little, thinking of the photographs he'd seen which said different.
"I'd do anything to make her life easier. That's what we do here for the kids, LeBeau, we help."
"Whatever," Remy responded, still gently bouncing the baby, "grandpa."
"PopPop, actually," Logan commented, he turned on the lights under the counters and switched off the brighter overhead light was slightly too much for tired eyes at this time of night.
"PopPop?" Remy asked, amused.
"That's what Rogue wants him to call me," Logan rolled his eyes. "She's gone a little soft in the last few months. Once those pregnancy hormones really kicked in, that was it...then came out the sappy stuff."
Remy eased himself into a chair at the kitchen table, watching as Logan retrieved a small bottle of expressed milk from the fridge, "she's...so different..."
Logan switched on the electronic milk warmer, he gave a yawn, "that she is."
"She's so..." Remy began, unable to finish, still a little staggered with everything.
"Capable," Logan finished for him.
"God, yes," Remy nodded, "it's...she's jus'...so capable. I can't get over it."
"Part of us all thought she'd be in a blind panic, sobbin' her eyes out about not bein' able to do it," Logan confessed, "it's a huge thing to a young girl...teenage mothers usually fall apart pretty quick after the first few days of lack of sleep. She took it on the chin. Took to it like a duck to water and we're all really proud of her. I'm proud of her."
"She grew up so fast," Remy admitted, rubbing the baby's back gently.
"She had to...she had no choice, Remy," Logan came to sit down while the bottle warmer did its job. "Question is...are you gonna be able to do the same?"
Remy stroked the baby's hair, "I'm gon' try..." he promised quietly. "I can't make any solid promises except t' do my bes' t' be here an' try t' help as much as I can..." he lowered his eyes and frowned, "and try not t' turn int' Jean-Luc."
"Minute you got through that door I saw it on your face, you know," Logan admitted.
"Y' saw what?" Remy frowned in confusion.
"That you're a father."
"What y' talkin' about?"
"I saw it the minute Kurt took the kid away to change him, how you kept looking for him to come back. At the dinner table the way you'd watch anyone who held him...the way you kept tellin' them to mind his head."
Remy felt his cheeks flush a little.
"You kept your yap shut though, let everyone have their turn...but I could see it was killing you, that you just wanted to hold onto him."
"Is it always like that?" Remy queried. "Everyone wants t' have him all the time?"
"Right now, Rogue knows that sharing him is unavoidable and she's fine with that."
"I guess knowin' that everyone is crazy f' him is...reassurin'," Remy decided, having felt that only ten minutes ago in his bedroom.
"For now, it's going to be a novelty for them all, you'll have to live with that for the time being," Logan explained, "Learn to share; they care about him, and they're all very careful with him."
"Everyone seems real hooked on him," Remy admitted.
"Yeah, he's a little charmer...everyone is gaga for him. Even Charles. Kid wasn't even one day old and Charles had opened up a trust fund for the kid. It's not a huge sum or anything...but it's significant."
"That's real nice o' him," Remy admitted, "but he didn' need t', I got plenty o' money..."
"All the same, regardless of what you and Rogue have, we wanted to make sure that RJ is going to be well taken care of," Logan scratched a fingernail across the pine table for a moment, "Just so you know...he's in my will."
"You have a will?"
"Yeah," Logan snorted, "course, I don't know how long I have left...could be ten years, could be a hundred...hell, I'll probably be in the same old age home your son is some day for all I know. But regardless, anything happens to me...RJ will get a hefty sum. Rogue too. You, you get nothin'."
Remy smirked, "wouldn't give me the steam off o' y' piss, I suppose."
"You catch on fast," Logan tapped his fingers absently against the table. "I know you got your own money, I don't need to give you any inheritances. Rogue, however, I had to be sure that her and RJ will be comfortable."
"That's real nice o' y'," Remy confessed. "Me...an M-" he stopped himself, "my wife was talkin' about maybe givin' him a middle name or two."
"Oh?"
"Maybe givin' him your name...an' the Professor's."
Logan snorted, seeming quite taken aback by the revelation.
"Y'...think that'd be okay?" Remy asked quietly.
"You really want to do that?" Logan stood up and went to check the milk.
"Yeah, we do. We both do."
"Whatever floats your boat," Logan shrugged, Remy saw him trying to feign not being touched by the sentiment.
Remy lowered his eyes to look at Junior, "He looks so much like Rogue," he commented softly. "Spit o' her."
Logan frowned a little, "weird...you're the only one here who thinks that. Everyone sees you...sees the perfect image of you..."
"You see it?" Remy raised an eyebrow.
"He's the image of you, LeBeau. Definitely your kid, there's no mistaking it," he brought the milk over to him.
Remy stared at the bottle being held out to him.
"Go on, feed him..."
"Don' you wan' do it?" Remy asked. He felt a slight pang of anxiety that Rogue wasn't there to supervise. What if he did something wrong? At least Logan had a little experience...he'd only done this once.
"Your kid, better get used to it. This isn't gonna be the first late night feeding you're going to deal with, so better adapt fast, gumbo."
"Y' think Rogue gon' be okay wit' me doin' this? I mean...she let me feed him earlier t' day but...what if she ain' okay wit' me doin' it now?"
"All she's gone on about for months is that she hoped you'd want to be involved with the baby at all; I'd say right now if she was awake she'd be pretty happy you're even making the effort and taking the initiative."
Remy adjusted the baby in his arms, he gazed at the bottle for a moment, holding it up to the light, "this looks weird..."
"Oh?" Logan asked tiredly.
"Looks a lil'...I don' know...yellow. Y' sure this is okay? It didn' go bad?"
"It didn't go bad," Logan snorted, seeming almost amused.
"'Cause the milk she feed him at lunch time was way thinner than this...looked like skimmed..."
"You know anythin' about breastmilk?" asked Logan pointedly.
"No..." Remy responded, "Jus'...observation is all...I ain' seen yellow milk before..."
"Just feed him already, he's gettin' grumpy and you know what, so am I," Logan frowned.
Remy sighed and led the bottle to his mouth; unlike earlier in the afternoon, the baby accepted it rather quickly.
"Must be hungry," Logan said, he sat down at the other side of the table, "usually fights the bottle."
"Can't be my son then," Remy joked, although he realised suddenly perhaps it wasn't funny, "Usually I fin' it hard t' turn down a perfectly good bottle o' anythin'," he stared at Logan's slightly dark expression. "But...then again, if it came t' the choice 'tween a pair o' perfectly good tits an' a bottle, I think I'd go f' the tits," Remy gazed at the bottle curiously.
Logan got up and grabbed a clean dish towel from the nearby drawer and handed it to him, "Here, he's gonna need that, he'll start dribbling it soon."
Remy put the towel around his son's chin, Logan wasn't far from wrong, the milk spilled a little from the baby's mouth.
"You gotta give him a few pauses; it can be too much all at once."
This was so difficult, there were all these rules, and it seemed so unfair that Logan knew more about how to feed Junior than his own father should. Remy sighed inwardly and concentrated on giving the baby a moment every now and then; judging by the way he'd start whimpering every time the bottle was taken from him, Junior didn't agree much with Logan's pause rule.
"Don't tip the bottle too far," Logan warned, "it'll flow too fast."
Remy felt so awkward, he felt somewhat like a child being instructed on how to do something simple.
"You're doin' fine," Logan said, almost as if he sensed Remy's anxiety about feeding the baby. "no one gets it right first time."
"Who taught you how t' feed a kid?" Remy asked.
"Don't take this as offensive," Logan leaned back in his chair, it creaked a little under his weight, "but we weren't sure if you were going to stick around. You're here now but things are always apt to change. Not that I thinkyou don't got it in you to stick this out – you got this far and all," he shrugged, "but anyway, when Rogue decided to keep the baby, I read up a few of the books."
"Seriously?"
"You insulted?"
"Impressed," Remy confessed.
"See...six months ago, if I'd come out with that, you'd have accused me of trying to replace you in her life."
Remy watched the baby feeding, he listened to Logan, listened to the thoughtful way he spoke.
"You've come a long way," Logan sighed.
"I guess I lose a lot of suspicion when the ghos' finally go away..." he shrugged.
"Or perhaps you just realise I'm not out to do you wrong any more."
"He ain' takin' any more," Remy gave a sigh as the baby started refusing the bottle, the milk spilling from his mouth.
"Okay, he's had enough," Logan said, "you need to burp him."
"Can't you do it?"
"Your kid. You want to be here and stay involved, you need to just take the plunge," Logan explained.
"I ain' real good wit' this stuff..." Remy protested.
"Doesn't matter, you either do it nor or your son is going to get really uncomfortable."
Remy took a moment to think about how Rogue had done it earlier, he tried to mimic as he'd seen her, the baby gave a little wail of protest.
"Try putting him against your shoulder," Logan suggested, leaning back in the chair and giving a yawn.
"This all so...hard."
"You'll get there," Logan grunted, "important thing is to try. And I'd highly recommend you read the baby books. Rogue has a ton of them in your bedroom."
Remy gently patted the baby's back, "like this?"
"That's it, see...it's not too difficult," Logan nodded.
"Okay," he took a nervous breath, "so...why he need this anyway?"
"Gas build up. Babies don't got the ability to expel their own gas like we do. Don't have the muscle development for it. So it settles and makes them very uncomfortable. Think of yourself with real bad trapped gas, you're in pain and you can't get rid of it...that's what RJ will be feeling."
The baby let out a small burp, Remy gave a soft laugh.
"See, there you go."
"How long I do this for?" Remy asked.
"At least ten minutes, until nothin' else comes up."
"I...didn' think I'd have t' do much o' this since Rogue tol' me she was doin' the whole...y' know."
"You can say it," Logan said, "Breastfeeding."
Remy sighed, "she was doin' it earlier t' night y' know, in my room...couldn' even look. I don' embarrass easy but...geez."
"It's natural. And Hank thinks there's a good chance that the milk boosts RJ's immunity to her powers although there's no evidence to support that of course. He definitely has mutant genes from both of you but whether the immunity is a manifestation of power or simply something he's absorbed through her is hard to determine. As for her powers...well they have been significantly weakened throughout her pregnancy; Hank has theories about hormonal interference, there's no way to determine if it's a permanent change or not."
"Rogue doesn't seem too worried about it," Remy confessed, he blinked as the baby gave a louder burp.
"Don't let her fool you, she's terrified that her powers will get stronger, and that RJ will lose his immunity. For now, she's taking it one day at a time; she's had very little happiness in her life and she's enjoying it while she has it."
"What happens if he loses his immunity?" Remy asked quietly.
"The little anklet there..." Logan reached over and touched the baby's foot, there was a rubber anklet with a small watch-like device attached to his ankle, "monitors everythin' about him includin' his heartbeat. If she starts to absorb him, his heartbeat will be the first thing to change and an alarm will set off all over the mansion so we can quickly go to help should anythin' happen."
"An' what happens then? If he loses all immunity t' her?"
"Us being there to help her was always part of the initial plan. She had always assumed – as the rest of us did – that she would never be able to touch the baby the way she does now. It hurt her to think of it but she'd made peace with it because she wanted to keep him. She's made peace with the fact that still could happen in the future...and if it does, you're going to have to make peace with that too...and do what you can to be involved and do what she can't..."
"How can she want me t' be a part o' this baby's life after what I did t' her...after I near killed her?" Remy asked uncomfortably, he rubbed the baby's back.
"Did she tell you about Thanksgiving?" Logan asked.
Remy shook his head.
"Thanksgiving Day...so we're talking good couple of weeks after you'd been carted off to the Recovery Centre. She'd healed up fine from the stabbing but she was different, depressed, real quiet. She barely said anything for those few weeks; she went on with school and everything here like things were normal, but she was back to the old Rogue, the one we knew before you took her off to Louisiana," Logan explained.
Junior let out a loud burp, apparently he didn't care much about the story or interrupting.
"We were worried about her...it took forever to even get her to come out of her room on Thanksgiving day, but eventually we coaxed her down to dinner...she was in the foulest of moods. She'd tried to call the Recovery Centre to get in touch with you and they refused to let her speak to you. Anyway, we're all around the table and we're all saying what we're thankful for...and she goes into this tirade," Logan continued, a frown on his face. "What I got to be thankful for?!" he said, putting on a slight southern accent, "she threw a bowl of yams across the room, I'm talkin' real temper like I'd never seen her before. I was ready to drag her out of that room and kick her ass for that kind of behaviour. And then all of a sudden she goes green...then she threw up...right on the damn Turkey."
Remy blinked.
"Hank waited until she'd calmed down and took her aside and made her take the pregnancy test – right away it came up day you stabbed her she said about the fact she thought she'd lost the baby that it clearly wasn't meant to be," Logan stared down at the table, "somewhere inside I think she wanted the baby from the get go...but I think she was so scared of all that it meant. What you'd said about not wanting to be a father 'cause of that asshole who brought you up...it stuck with her and she was so desperate to not hurt you. Scared of getting us all involved in something that was nothin' to do with us. Scared of what her powers could do to the baby...she convinced herself she couldn't have him and made the logical decision to protect you and everyone else. She never allowed herself to want the baby."
Remy kept patting the baby's back, listening closely.
"So she took the abortion pill and started the process. Now...as she explained it to me, once that pill starts working, it can't be undone..." Logan leaned forward, "if you hadn't stabbed her that night, the pregnancy would have been completely terminated within a few days, she'd have gone through with it, and she'd have wondered the rest of her life if she'd done the right thing."
A small lump built in Remy's throat.
"When I let her absorb my powers, we knew she was weaker; because she was weaker it didn't occur to use that my powers would save that pregnancy. It didn't only reverse the effects of the pill, it seemed to have prevented any pregnancy side effects whatsoever for weeks. Hank didn't even find a heartbeat, and she bled out a bit so we assumed there'd been a miscarriage..." Logan explained, "and then, there it was...Thanksgivin' day, she found out she was pregnant. Know what she said to me?"
"What?" Remy asked uneasily.
"She was sittin' there, Gumbo...pregnancy stick in hand, her eyes pourin' with tears, and she said 'what do I got to be thankful for? That Remy stabbed me...'."
Remy blinked.
"If you hadn't stabbed her, Remy...that baby wouldn' be here now. Whether any of us believe in fate or not, how do you ignore the chances of that, the chances of that survival? How much of a miracle it is that things worked out that way? You ask why she doesn't hate you for stabbing her, how she can let you hold him? Because if it weren't for you, he wouldn't have survived. But now, you have to work twice has hard as you ever did to ensure you don't deteriorate and go back to the same thing again. Just because it worked out this time, it doesn't mean it will again," Logan said gruffly.
"I know that," Remy nodded, the baby gave a loud burp near his ear.
"This time you have to think of him, not just yourself and not just Rogue. This time you got to work harder and make sure you be the father you never had yourself."
"What if I can't?" Remy asked weakly.
"We'll be here behind you to support you, to help show you what to do and help take the strain if you feel it gets too much. You're not alone."
"Thought y' said I had t' get used t' this, jus' deal?" Remy sighed, he smelled a slightly sweet-sour and unfamiliar scent and he moved the baby to see he'd thrown up a little. "Fuck...he's puked..." he felt a little helpless as the baby began crying in staggered wails, "what I do? Did I do somethin' wrong?"
"Babies puke, it happens. Just don't make a huge panic about it, mop it up and tell him it's okay..."
"He understand that?" Remy asked, feeling quite drained.
"It doesn't matter if he understands the words, he'll understand the tone of your voice, now tell him it's okay and wipe the puke.."
Remy mopped the puke from the baby's chin, "s' okay," he whispered near his face, "jus' a little puke. Momma did a lot o' that when she was carryin' y'..."
"See, it's not hard," Logan stood up, "you got to speak to him a lot, get him used to your voice so he knows it. I'm beat, and I'm sure you are too. Come on."
Remy followed up the stairs, carrying Junior carefully, watching every single step on the way up.
"You really are paranoid," Logan said with amusement.
"Can't be too careful. Babies is fragile."
"It'll get easier," Logan assured. "See you in the mornin'. Anythin' else is wrong, don't hesitate to come get me or wake up your wife."
"Okay," Remy said, he stood at the door for a moment, "Logan...?"
"Yeah?" Logan grunted, standing in his own doorway, hand on the doorknob.
"Thanks..." Remy balanced the baby in one arms, "f'...y' know...everythin' y' done f' Rogue...f' me...f' the baby."
Logan didn't say anything else, he gave a nod, a faint smirk, and then shut the door, leaving Remy standing in the hall.
Remy took a deep breath, the baby was already falling asleep in his arms. Now that he'd been fed and burped he seemed fine. Remy moved into the bedroom and quietly shut the door behind himself and gazed down at the bed; Rogue was still in the same position she had been.
Remy gently stroked the baby's back, cuddling him against his shoulder, "momma's still sleepin'," he whispered, "we ain' gon' wake her, right?" he gazed down to see Junior giving a yawn.
Remy sat down on his side of the bed and propped himself up against the pillows, holding the baby. He glanced to Rogue who was still sound, her back turned to him, her cheek pressed into the pillow.
"Momma says y' be easier t' put t' put in the crib if y' held 'til y' drop off," he gently rocked Junior, "I don' know nothin' 'bout babies so I'm gon' jus' take her advice, that okay wit' you? Any objection?" he asked softly, he stroked his hair, there seemed to be no objection other than another little yawn. "Guess not," Remy leaned forward and breathed in the scent of Junior's hair. He didn't know what Hank put in that organic wash he'd made for the baby but it smelled incredible, a clean sweet smell he couldn't describe. "Maybe it's jus' an excuse," Remy supposed, speaking to the baby softly, "Maybe I jus' don' wan' put y' down yet...maybe I wan' make up f' the two weeks I wasn' here..."
Remy closed his eyes and kept breathing in the smell of his son, sighing deeply and expelling all the anxiety and strain of the day and letting it go.
"Maybe I jus' wan' be there the way I guess my real daddy weren'..." Remy confessed. "the way no one was. But you, y' never gon' have that problem. No one wanted me when I was a baby...but everyone...they enamoured wit' you...every one wants y'...y' never gon' know what it feels like t' be unloved. Everyone loves y'. Logan loves y'...Prof love y'...Hank and Kurt...Tabitha...they all love y'..." he breathed out another sigh, it felt like a strange release of relief, "momma loves y'...an' so d' I."
Rogue's eyes fluttered open as a shaft of light cut through the blinds and hit her face, the light was uncomfortable through her eyelids and she groaned and leaned up. She blinked her eyes open and squinted towards the sun shining through the blinds at the window in their bedroom. She sat up with a gasp of shock, she'd slept all night...what about Junior's feeding? Why hadn't he cried during the night? Her panic surged, the worst thoughts swelling in her brain. Cot death? It was so unmentionable but was always at the back of her mind. She turned to gaze at the crib in the far corner, even from where she was she could see it was empty, the gate had been dropped and the baby was gone. She turned around quickly, panic jumping through her.
She didn't expect to see Remy lying there on his back, shoulders propped up against the pillows, their son cradled in his arms, sleeping soundly on his chest.
Rogue's panic began to slowly dissipate. Had he gotten up during the night and dealt with it? How had he known what to do? Had he found the expressed milk in the fridge? Why hadn't he just awakened her? She'd been exhausted but she'd have been fine with being disturbed, it was her duty to take care of her own son.
But he's not just my own, she reminded herself.
She lay there, gazing at the both of them, her boys, sleeping so soundly against each other, Remy looked so strangely content and beautiful with his son against his chest. She smiled a little, her heart swelling with love and pride, she took great comfort in the sight of them together like that. She couldn't believe how much Remy had already done to be involved, how he seemed to be bonding with the baby already. He had bonded faster in twenty four hours than she had in the first three days of being a mother. It was so surprising and overwhelming.
For months, she'd been wishing for it to be this way, she'd hoped and prayed and every night had closed her eyes and asked a god she wasn't sure she really believed in to make it so. When she'd picked Remy up yesterday at the Recovery Centre she had never expected for any of it to come true. It was too good to be true.
Maybe for now things were fine...Remy was caught in a new world, slightly overwhelmed and starry-eyed with idealism of how it might be. That'd fade. Things were bound to change. Their relationship still felt new...they hadn't spent enough time together in the past ten months for it to feel anything but new and exciting still, but give it a few years down the line, the shine would wear off she was sure.
There'd be arguments...there'd be bitter petty squabbles about their baby, about their relationship, their home, their friends, their positions at the mansion. There'd be nights when at least one of them would be sleeping on the couch (most likely him, he decided), there'd be nights when one of them felt guilty for doing or saying something stupid or wrong. There'd be massive arguments, perhaps days of not talking.
Rogue felt it all coming. Years of it were on their way now, now that he'd decided he was staying.
Rogue chewed her lip, staring at her husband's serene sleeping face. The one thing she didn't feel right now was any resentment from him, any sense of him feeling pressured into staying. What she felt was his resolve, his determination, his longing to be part of something bigger than him.
Remy's eyes fluttered open, almost as if he sensed her staring at him, he turned slowly to look at her, his voice was a little thick when he spoke, heavy with exhaustion, "hey."
"Hey, yourself," she stretched out on her stomach, "sleep well?" she asked, feeling he probably hadn't if he'd been woken up by Junior.
He moved his gaze to Junior, curled up on his chest, breathing so light, face so beautiful as he slept. "Real well," Remy commented, his gaze was soft, he lifted his head and kissed his son's fluffy light brown hair.
"How you feelin'?"
He lay his head back and gazed up at the ceiling, expression heavy with relaxation and tiredness. "Normal..." he said after a moment, he gave a strange laugh, "f'...maybe the firs' time."
Rogue ran her hand gently across the baby's back; it was something she always found it so hard to not do was touch him. To feel him there, to know he was tangible and that she hadn't dreamt him. "Same...Ah've never felt so...so normal in all my life..." she leaned up a little to gaze at her husband, "we're just like other people...maybe we always were."
"Maybe," he nodded.
"Ah...Ah was thinkin' you know," she propped her chin up in her hand, elbow pressed against the mattress, "right now both of us are kind of...Ah don't know, in some kind of state of bliss 'cause it hasn't sunk in yet about stuff...but it won't always feel this...blissful...or easy."
"I know that," he turned to look at her, his eyes soft and sleepy.
"We'll probably start arguin' about stuff...gettin' frustrated when the baby keeps us up late...the next few years aren't gonna be easy...rest of our lives won't be easy."
"Don't matter," he said, sounding quite sure of himself. Rogue wondered if that was just more acting, if he was just pretending like had with everything else.
"If...you still want to back out..." she said softly, "Ah won't hold you to anythin'..."
Remy's lips curled into a slight smile, "back out? Y' think I ain' gon' rise t' a challenge?"
"This isn't a challenge, Remy, this is our life, our child's life."
"My shrink...Dr. Forbes..." he began, sniffing a little as he turned to look at the baby, he took the tiny little left hand and raised it with one index finger, "she say sometimes things in life is like...a mountain y' got t' climb...what y' want is at the top...y' got t' climb t' get t' it..." he explained softly. "I jus' finished climbin' one mountain, Marie. When I got out o' that place yesterday...that was me gettin' t' the top o' my personal mountain..."
Rogue studied him, listening closely.
"I already knew I was gon' be climbin' another mountain when I got home, I jus' didn' expect the steps t' be as steep..." he explained. "But that don' mean I'm gon' stand at the bottom of it or turn away. I jus'...need a lil' time t' gear up and prepare myself f' the rest o' the climb..."
She took a hold of the rest of his hand, as he held Junior's little finger up into the air.
"I ain' gon' promise I won' slip a lil' down on occasion," he confessed softly, "I won' promise I can keep up wit' you. Y' already overtook me, y' several steps ahead o' me. What I will promise is that me an' you gon' be t' gether at the top of it...standin' lookin' down at all the years we been through."
"Ah'll help pull you up that mountain, Remy. If you slip, Ah'll catch you."
"I love y', y' know," he sighed softly and serenely. "Bot' o' y'."
Rogue felt the words drive into her like a hot knife carving through butter, she felt near wounded with his love, near floored with it and the promises of the future. But more than that, for the first time ever in her life, she felt secure.
It was right there...the mountain they would climb together, the adventure, the uncertainty of their future, the promises it held, the unexpected surprises...it all was there waiting for them...
Just beneath the surface.
END
And there it is...the entire story, finally. God I feel so tired and it's kept me up til 2.42am editing the last chapter. Sure this has been a bit of a shocker with one of MY stories having a somewhat happy ending that isn't all angst and doom and suicide, etc etc (yes, shocking indeed) but anyway. I think this is probably the only story I've written where Gambit and Rogue have remained a somewhat solid couple for a good stretch without serious break up or interference (other than one minor fight they had, they stayed pretty solid I suppose for a story I wrote, lmao).
Anywayyyyyy, it's been a blast getting this to the end (and having a happy ending) and I hope you all enjoyed it. I'm so thank to each and every one of you who reviewed. I realise that not everything in the story is perfect, I don't have kids, I don't get out much, I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not hugely educated further than high school, etc, I do research as much as I can but I won't always get it right (hopefully there's nothing that will be disputed too much). I'm sure you all by now realise why I wanted Remy in isolation for the six month stretch, lol. I wanted the baby to be something of a surprise and hopefully it was. I hope also the fact I took a few chapters to just deal with Remy's introduction to fatherhood and his dealing with his fears, etc will make some happy (I didn't want to leave it unknown how he would deal, etc).
Yes it's probably a bit too perfect that he "accepts" his baby after he said he didn't want any but it wasn't that he didn't want to be a father as much as he was just afraid of being like Jean-Luc if that makes sense...anyway...dum de dum. Rambling.
As I've probably previously mentioned, this is the actual END of the "Derranged Marriage" storyline. I'm sure some would see potential for a follow up, but I think it ends nicely here with them realising they're going to have a lot of troubles ahead, it won't be smooth sailing but they're willing and love each other, etc. Happy ending, dum de dum, I'm so sleepy!
Anyway, again, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and I hope you all enjoyed the story. I appreciated all the reviews (especially the ones who took the time to write their thoughts, predictions or curiosities, it's always interesting to see how people think of what's going on sometimes, lol). You all really kept me going and motivated more than you'll ever know.
Big thanks to heartbreaklane who has been there for a lot of my doubts with this story, she's helped me with a lot of second guessing, etc and I really appreciated it (and the random chats about Lush bath bombs – one of my addictions).
Now I'm off for a well deserved break...zzzzzz
LOVE YOU ALL !
