The only nightclub I've been too was so loud that it was impossible to talk, but let's say for story purposes that they somehow can hear in this place. I don't know why they don't have Burger King crowns anymore. Probably caught on that only adults wore them. I've recently been inspired by a "Why's Raph the sexy one" thread at Stealthy Stories. So blame them. Plus, I like sexy Leo. But don't worry. They won't get terribly sexy in my stories. Don't ask me why all of them know the lyrics to "Hash Pipe" by Weezer. I happened to be listening to it at the time. My knowledge sometimes leeches off onto them sometimes.

Dear Diary,

I'm going to murder Mikey.

I'm dressed like Britney Spears.

I now realize that Leo and Raph are at their most dangerous when they get along.


Dear Diary,

I should probably relate what happened after that kind of suspense. But who am I kidding? I'm the only one who'll ever see this. My suspense goes to waste. I recovered from the initial ten minutes of shock and then I was actually psyched. I had all four of them over here preparing for their annual Halloween Pretend to Be Normal Night. I convinced them all to go clubbing with me.

They dressed me up like this skanky 16 year old school girl. I'm wearing a plaid mini skirt and cropped white dress shirt and white knee high socks. I think I look pretty hot. Don said that they'll be beating pedophiles off me all night long. I'm beginning to wonder about Mikey's motivation in buy this. I asked and it turned out it was a group effort to see if I would actually dress up like Britney Spears or not. I think they were taking bets, but I'm not sure.

I was putting on makeup and they were all evaluating me like I was their doll.

"You should put on really pink glittery stuff." Mikey was rifling through my makeup and opening them up and smelling them and rubbing them on his hands.

"Hey, do you have any Sanrio stuff?" Leo asked. "Or Mary Janes or anything like that?"

"I'm starting to wonder if you're a pedophile," I said.

I'd noticed that they were all getting testosterone fueled. They were rough housing more than usual and everything that Raph and Leo said was phallic. I think it was the anticipation of the evening.

I stepped out of the bathroom to model the outfit for them and did a silly kind of music video pose.

Mikey pretended to collapse from shock and lay on the floor, gasping.

Raph said, "Oh, daddy like."

"Since when did you all turn into a bunch of green perverts?"

Don looked me over and said, "You're going to get cold."

I reassured him that I would be fine. You know, the annual denial that you'll be warm because you want to show off your costume and don't want to cover it up with a coat.

So we got out on the street and were all walking along like normal people down the sidewalk. Strange. It's strange to do normal things with them.

Don suggested that we take the bus. So we found a bus stop and then they all realized that they had no idea where or when the busses go. Luckily, I knew that this was the wrong route and we moved on to the correct bus stop. We were headed to that Rainbow Club that I go to with Susan. I was getting a lot of cat calls and every time we heard one, Raph would give them this look of impending homicide.

"Yeah, she's hot and she's ours!" Mikey yelled at one of them. He was so excited that he was vibrating. And just from walking down the street. I was getting nervous about taking him to the club. Maybe he would explode.

The bus came and I had to pay for all four of them. Of course. We all sat down close to each other and Don looked like he was about flip out over the germ potential. Then Leo leaned over to me and whispered, "That bus driver was looking at your butt. Did you notice?"

I just shrugged. "If you didn't want guys checking me out then you should have dressed me like a nun."

Raph looked like he belonged on a city bus. I don't know why. Some guys on the street said hello to them and he just casually said hello back. Don asked him, "Do you know those guys?"

"No."

Mikey took the opportunity to run up and down the bus and jump on the seats. I had to duck as he jumped over me a bunch of times.

Kind of funny. They do such extraordinary things like fighting ninjas and traveling to parallel dimensions, but doing something so ordinary, like riding a city bus is a big adventure to them. Makes me feel like I have something cool to contribute in their lives.

So we got to the club and joined the line and then I had to listen to Leo fretting about whether or not they would get in and if anybody suspected they weren't wearing costumes. "You'll be fine. Shut up," Don said. "Think they sell ecstasy in there?"

"I don't know." I hadn't thought about it before.

Mikey was bouncing up and down and saying to a girl behind us, who was dressed like a cowgirl. "Yeah, I think I look cool too. I hope we get in here. I've been to a club once, but we were working and didn't get to do anything fun. Well, the bar was on fire for a while and that was kind of cool."

The girl asked him where he worked.

He said, "I work with my brothers…"

Raph reached around and covered his mouth.

"Why'd you do that?" the girl asked.

He didn't answer, but he did keep his hand over Mikey's mouth.

"Well, that's rude," she said.

Her friend seemed to like rude guys and said, "Hey, I like your suit."

Raph uncovered Mikey's mouth and Mike's mouth was instantly moving as soon as it was free. He said, "Raph's mean. He doesn't like girls. Ouch! Raphie! Leo, Raph just kicked me!"

The girls giggled at Mikey. Leo sighed and said, "Raph, cut it out."

"So you're all brothers?" the first girl asked Leo.

Then I thought. Holy crap. These girls are my age and they're about to flirt with them. They weren't quite there yet, but they were building up to it. Don was standing behind me. He caught on quicker than I did.

Leo said, "Yes, we're brothers."

"Nice costumes," said the second girl. "So are the shells plastic? Are you wearing body paint?"

"Yes. Yes," Leo said. He wasn't listening at all and was inspecting the alleys, bouncer, suspicious patrons, etc…

After a while Raph whispered in Leo's ear and Leo got a big smile on his face and said, "Well, you're on."

"On what?" Don asked. He didn't look too thrilled. We were getting closer to the door and we could see inside when the door opened.

"None of your business," Raph snapped. "Big kid talk."

"I'm older than you," Don muttered. "I don't like this. It looks crowded."

"What'll I get if I win?" Leo said to Raph. He was eyeballing me as they conspired, so I could tell they were up to something nefarious. I was thinking, it's Leo. What trouble could he possibly get up to? Mr. Responsibility.

Raph thought for a second and said, "Do you still have $100?"

"Yeah. Sure. We can do that. Wait, how will I know they're genuine? I mean, are you going to make them yourself?"

Raph feigned shock. "Would I do that?"

"Yes."

"You're right. I would. But I won't in the spirit of good sportsmanship."

Leo laughed perversely.

Mikey was saying to the girl behind him, "I like to dance, but I like to meet new people too so I'm not sure if I'll dance or talk. That's cool that you're in nursing school. I bet you see lots of blood. Do you have to wear a little outfit like they do in old movies?"

We finally got past the bouncer and as soon as we got through the door, Mikey had ninja vanished and I didn't see him for hours. I still don't know what he got up to during that time of unaccountability. Same thing for all of them but Don, come to think of it.

"We're on the clock now," Raph said to Leo. "Let's say, three hours."

I know they're psychotically competitive and asked, "Will this contest get me thrown into jail?"

They didn't listen and both wandered off in separate directions, leaving me behind with Donny, who smiled at me awkwardly and shrugged. "What do we do now?"

"We dance," I said. I pulled him to the dance floor by the hand and he watched me and the other dancers for the first few songs. Took a while for him to get into it. But he did eventually and we danced until I was so tired that I had to tell him to stop. He looked surprised, like it was unreasonable that I'd be worn out after two hours.

We spotted Mikey going crazy on the other end of the dance floor and Don went to meet him. I headed towards the bar.

What I saw was pretty amazing. Raph was dirty dancing with this really… unchaste looking… blond and they were totally grinding on each other. I didn't know what to do, so I just pretended that I didn't see him. And there was Leo at the bar, talking to another girl. Looked classier than Raph's girl. He looked like he'd gone all James Bond charisma guy and kept touching the girl's arm when he spoke to her and then went so far as to tuck her hair behind her ear.

It was all beginning to make sense. This contest involved picking up women in some way.

Me, Don and Mike were ready to leave after a while and Don went to fetch Raph and Mikey fetched Leo. They both were with a different girl. Come to think of it, they were with different girls every time I saw them.

So we were walking down the sidewalk away from the club and Don shook his head like a wet dog and said, "I don't think I'll hear for a week. That was loud. I don't like loud stuff."

"What about stuff that blows up?" Mikey asked.

"Well, only loud stuff that involves a propellant or accelerant then."

Leo and Raph were whispering in conspiracy and Mikey said, "What are they up to? I don't like this. When they do that, then it means they're up to something really bad."

"You guys behave yourselves back there?" I asked.

"YES!" they both said together.

So that means no.

Don was skipping along and enjoying himself. He's happiest when he's doing something simple, like walking. "I like them better when they hate each other. Things are safer then."

Leo said, "So pony up. How many did you get?"

"Seven. But one was a guy."

Mikey ran a long way ahead and stood on a park bench, waiting for us.

"That shouldn't count," Leo said. "Prove it."

"Well…" Raph looked back at Don and me. "Not now, okay."

"Fine."

"And how did you do?"

Leo didn't say anything for a second and was fighting off a smile. He noticed that we were all listening and I think he was trying to keep from blowing his cover. "I stopped after a while. I got distracted."

"Did I win?" Raph asked. "What was that distracting? A Purple Dragon?"

Leo whispered into Raph's ear and Raph yelled, "YOU DID NOT!"

"I did too."

"THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME! YOU WIN! NO NEED TO COUNT! I HAND YOU THE CROWN!"

"Hey, what crown?" I was holding myself and shivering. "Let's go in somewhere. You guys hungry? Looks like Burger King is open." I pointed at the Burger King so that Mikey would know that we were stopping.

He ran back like a green cheetah. "I want a crown!" Mikey said, running inside ahead of us.

Raph threw a couple of dollar bills at Leo. They were both laughing hysterically. "There's your money! You earned it! I can't believe that!"

Leo shoved him playfully and said, "I'm feeling hurt by this doubt you have…"

Don said, "Let's all get toys!"

They were all being really loud. I had to shush them and demand what they wanted. Raph sat on the counter and kept leaning over the cash register and watching what the worker was doing. I think he made him nervous because he screwed up or order. Mikey was wearing his Burger King crown. He put one on my head. Thankfully, the place was empty. Leo was doing the penny drop and kept missing and Don kept supplying him with new pennies. Eventually he won and he yelled, "Free fries! I get something free!"

So we ordered our food and then I gasped because I noticed that one of my professors had just come in the door. "Leo!" I took him by the arm and tried to stand behind him. "That's my professor." Leo looked me over and tried not to laugh and kept snorting through his nose.

So of course, they all got conspicuously quiet as the word spread amongst them. I hoped that if I kept my back to him that he wouldn't figure out that it was me. Then he ordered his food and as he shuffled towards us to join the wait, he looked over and jerked as he recognized me. And there I was, standing there dressed like a naughty school girl and wearing a Burger King crown.

"Hello, April," he said. He was obviously looking me up and down. "Who are your friends?"

"My brothers," I said. I was trying hard not to laugh. They weren't doing a very good job.

He realized that they were all turtles and said, "Those are very good costumes."

"Thanks," Mikey said. "So's yours."

Snorting laughter from his brothers. My professor looked confused. He wasn't wearing a costume. I think freedom was making them all lose it. And as far as I knew, none of them had been drinking at all.

And then my professor left and I said that I was sure that my GPA had just dropped. Raph said that it probably went up a full letter grade.

Next we did what any daring teenagers do on a night on the town. We went to Wal-Mart. Can you believe it? They've never been inside a department store.

"Wow, it's just like on TV," Don said in mock awe as he got a shopping cart.

"Why are you getting a cart?" Leo said. "I don't want to carry a bunch of stuff home."

"Let me live the dream," he said.

Raph was bouncing up and down in place, waiting for us to all get inside the store. I said to Mikey, "You guys are acting like a bunch of nutcases. You should all be flattered that I'd be seen with you in public."

He made a gesture to my mini-skirt and as if to punctuate his point, some middle aged women walked past me, shaking their heads. So Mikey and I got some food for our dinner or breakfast or whatever time it was when we got back to my place. Mikey called Raph to find out where he was and we met him down in automotive with Don. They were playing with the car stereos and had "Hash Pipe" by Weezer blasting loudly.

Leo was looking at DVDs and bought a few seasons of "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" with his $100 winnings from Raph. He'd gotten a cart for some reason after we left him up front. I guess he couldn't resist the allure. So Don stole his cart and he and Mikey played chicken, crashing them into each other.

And I think the crowning moment of the night was when Leo and Mikey started sparring in the underwear department. Mikey had gone in there to fling thongs at us like sling shots. And then Leo jumped him and knocked over the thong display. Then were we formally told to leave the store.

They thought that was the coolest thing ever. They got thrown out of a Wal-Mart.

We were still being really loud on the bus back. I was standing up and there was an old lady sitting a few seats away. Don asked Raph, "What is that 'Hash Pipe' song about anyway?"

"Getting high, ain't it?"

Leo was holding a few bags of groceries on his lap and was inspecting one of his Buffy seasons. "I thought it was about a hooker."

"FUCK!" Raph yelled that and jumped out of his seat.

Leo said, "What?" kind of sharply.

"What happened? Did I scare you?" Raph was laughing at Leo's reaction, like he hadn't just screamed hysterically himself.

"No. I was surprised. What happened?"

Raph moved to another seat. "Thought I saw a spider."

The old lady turned around and said, "Excuse me, young man, but I find it very disrespectful of you to use that kind of language."

Raph was horrified. He stuttered out, "Sumimasen." They all laughed at him and then he said, "Sorry, ma'am."

We got off the bus and they were instantly all over Raph for getting yelled at by an old lady.

Mikey kept saying, "Sumimasen," every couple of minutes.

Don was singing the chorus to "Hash Pipe" really loudly, like a howl.

I asked them, "Did you guys all forget to take your anti-psychotics this morning?"

So ended the night. We made dinner, which was really breakfast because the sun came up as we ate it. Then we all fell asleep wherever we were sitting. Now that the night is over, I'm really dying to know what Leo did that so shocked Raph. Because to shock Raph…


Dear Diary,

Now I know. Please take it out of my brain.