The Saddest Song
Author's Note: I hate that I've done to these stories what so many other authors do and it drives me nuts when I read fanfiction and I get so caught up in these magical worlds they create and suddenly I'm left wondering why they abandoned stories and I didn't get my rightful ending. I know I've lost most of the readers, but at this point I think I'm finishing this for me because I want to know the ending to something I spent years working on. And this story was all the angst of my teenage years bottled into forty something chapters – so I think I'm gonna wrap it up at 50 – maybe with 50 being an epilogue. I started this story when I was 15 years old and I love every single one of you who encouraged me along the way and gave this story a chance knowing I slacked on updates. Thank you so much for all of your kind words, you changed my life in a way when I was a kid and gave me confidence that I could create these worlds you could fall in love with and become a part of. Thank you for taking this journey with me because looking back now at 23 my writing isn't a work of art, it's amateur at best but so many of you enjoyed what I made here and for that I'm going to wrap this story up, maybe a little more rushed than I'd planned years ago, but hopefully still a satisfactory ending.
Chapter 49: Why Can't I Dream?
"Clinging to me, like a last breath you would breathe. You were like home to me, I don't recognize the street. Please don't close your eyes, don't know where to look without them. Outside the cars speed by, I never heard them until now." –
Her heart jumped at the sound of his voice. Her little boy was there, conscious and speaking and making her fall in love with him all over again. When she was sixteen she could've never imagined motherhood to be this satisfying and fulfilling. She could've never imagined that she could love these kids with literally every fiber of her being – just the sound of his voice calmed all of her worries and the numbness she had been feeling for days faded away almost instantly.
"Adam.. baby boy," the tears welled up in her eyes quickly as she leaned forward to kiss his cheek.
He was weak and his little eyes were dazed and full of five year old confusion. It registered somewhere in the back of her mind that the doctor had entered the room to check his vitals and the nurses were circling checking wires and monitors. Everything aside from her little boy seemed blurry and out of focus. She nearly forgot Lucas was even present in the room until she noticed him holding Adam's other hand.
"Mr. Scott, Ms. Sawyer," the doctor's gruff voice cut through the haze as she and Lucas looked up to meet his eyes simultaneously. "He's good right now, all his vitals are stable. We're gonna monitor him for a few more days just to be sure and continue his antibiotics, but right now he's doing well. If you guys have any more questions don't hesitate to ask."
Her legs felt like they might just buckle if she didn't sit back in the seat she'd been occupying for hours on end. She'd never been as relieved in her entire life as she was at that moment in the small hospital room. This little person they'd created five years ago was going to be okay and she'd have years left to see him grow and smile and go to school and become a little man.
"He's gonna be okay, Peyt," she met his eyes for what seemed like the first time in years when it had only been maybe five minutes since they'd spoken to each other.
"Can we talk? In a little while, I mean. I'm gonna call Haley and Nathan, I don't wanna leave him by himself in here. And Kylie's been worried."
"Yeah, I'll stay. Go call them."
"I know you care. I know it has always been there. But there's trouble ahead I can feel it. You are just saving yourself when you hide it. Yeah, I know you care, I see it in the way that you stare. As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it, I'll be saving myself from the ruin. And I know you care." –
He followed her through the maze of hallways to a vacant waiting room a few floors away from where they'd been spending all their time. The chairs were covered in uncomfortable fake leather; the small tables were covered in meaningless magazines full of celebrity gossip and current events. He exhaled as he sat across from her, but his eyes continued to browse the small area. The gray paint was dreary and peeling in random corners near the baseboards. Older magazines had curled pages that were yellowing from spilled coffee or age.
"We're always in these damn hospitals aren't we?" she let out a small laugh that didn't hold much humor at all as she said the words.
Lucas ran his hands through his beard that he hadn't had the time to shave since the whole incident. He was tired – of running, of not being a man, of breaking her heart when he'd run at sixteen to try to avoid doing just that. This conversation was so long overdue that he didn't even know where to start anymore.
"I became my father. I was so scared Peyton, so scared of hurting you, of not living up to all these expectations that I went and did exactly what I was trying to avoid. I fucking hate myself. Every. Single. Day. I get into the shower every morning after five minutes of laying there listing everything I've done wrong in my life so I can figure just how much self loathing to take with me through the rest of the day," he was crying easily now.
Every emotion he'd been trying to hide from her was just escaping without ever asking for any of his permission. His hands were rubbing his tears away – he felt more like the five year old than his son who was lying in a bed recovering from a life threatening disease. Peyton deserved to know all of this about him. She needed to know he wasn't heartless and he didn't walk around carefree never thinking of her or the life they could've had if he hadn't been such a coward.
"I spent years hating Dan for what he did to me. Part of me still does because he stayed around for Nathan, but I can understand just how scared he might've been when my mom told him she was pregnant. I should've never left that day you came to Nathan's apartment when we were sixteen. I should've been supportive, I should've grabbed you and NEVER let go. Instead I spent years breaking your heart. I spent years walking in and out of your lives for my own selfish motives because I didn't know how to stay around, but I wanted so badly to protect you both from getting hurt. I see it now. I did it anyway. I hurt you worse than if I'd just tried and fought through my shortcomings. I fucked up and I failed you both – all three of you. I don't deserve a chance, I know that. I know you know that…" he wiped more tears and looked to find her looking smaller than he could ever remember.
She suddenly looked fragile and hurt and nothing like the cold, stubborn woman she'd portrayed to him for years. She looked vulnerable and open. She looked like the girl he met when he was young and foolish and so thoroughly believed they were forever.
"I should've said all this years ago. I'm so sorry, Peyt. So fucking sorry. And now it's like all I'm left with are all the things I should've done. We keep going in circles… you and me… Even saying all this now feels so repetitive - like I've been saying all of this for years, just not in one sitting. The biggest part of me knows we should just let this go. We only hurt each other anymore. I can't remember the last time I made you smile. I'm not even sure if we like each other anymore or if it's just been years and I don't know how to try to love anyone else. God I should let you go, Peyton."
"Luke –"
"I don't even know how to try to let you go."
She finally stood and crossed what felt like oceans of space between them in three short steps. The blonde kneeled in front of him and wrapped her long fingers around his wrists to pull his hands from his red, bloodshot eyes. He sniffled a few times like he was a little boy just looking for some comfort in a time of need.
"Maybe…" she started slowly. She was so quiet that even someone a few chairs away wouldn't be able to hear what she was saying to him. "Maybe we should've let go a long time ago. You're probably right. I would've saved myself so many nights of tears. But I see you every day, don't you get that?" He looked up with raised eyebrows. She let go of his wrists choosing instead to place her hands on either side of his legs, using the chair for support.
"I see you every single day in those kids. We made them. They look so much like you that even if we said goodbye right now and never spoke again I'd never be able to just let you go. Yeah, you have owed me all that for years. Yeah, you've fucking smashed my heart into a million little pieces. But you're also right – I don't know if we like each other anymore or if loving you is as much a habit as brushing my teeth every morning. We don't even know each other anymore; we haven't seen each other in five years. I've grown and I'm not who I was when I left Tree Hill. I'm not sixteen…but neither are you. We have lives, responsibilities, and these kids who need us and trust us to not completely fuck up their lives," she smiled up at him with her own eyes full of tears and it was met with a chuckle as he continued to wipe at his own.
"Fucking hospitals."
"They keep bringing us together though, don't they?" her hands moved to finally grab his that were balled up in the leather.
"I don't know where to go from here. I never know where we're going."
"It's exhausting." They both laughed again.
"I still-"
"Not yet, Luke. We're… I can't go there. Okay?" the hurt flashed quickly through his eyes, he couldn't help but think maybe he'd misinterpreted everything they'd just hashed out. "It's been five years. Let's not use those words right now… there's history. We can't start fresh exactly, but let's not do or say things out of habit, ya know? Let's go focus on Adam until he's out and then we'll see if maybe we can go somewhere from here. Let's see if maybe we can get to know each other again, let's see if we even do like each other anymore. Who knows we could end up hating each other."
She stood and turned to walk away with a wink and a small smile shot his way. It was more than he could've hoped for and yet less than he'd planned for. There was still so much more to be said, so much more to fix when it came to them, but she had a pretty good point and all he wanted was to know her again the way he did before they destroyed each other.
"I used to run down the stairs to the door when I thought you were there. Do you shape to the comfort of us, two lovers locked out of love. But I know you care, I know it has always been there." –
"Mommy!" Adam's eyes lit up as he tried to shoot straight up in bed. His heart monitor shot up quickly as a few alarms beeped frantically.
"Hey buddy, too much activity," Haley ushered him to lie back down as Peyton and Lucas walked through the doorway. She looked over to see their red eyes and cringed internally. "The nurses said not to worry about the alarms like that too much. His heart rate going up from activity isn't a big deal, but he does need rest."
"Thanks, Hales," Peyton grabbed her arm to give a quick squeeze of appreciation. "Where's Brooke, Nate and the kids?"
"They went down to the cafeteria for some snacks. You know Nathan with Kylie; he might never give her back now that she's old enough to have real conversations about things." Peyton laughed at this, remembering how enamored Nathan had been when she was just a little girl.
"I'm gonna go grab a coffee and some food too. You girls want anything?"
They each shook their heads to let him know he could take his leave. He gave a small smile at Peyton before he turned away to go.
"What's going-"
"Nothing right now. We're gonna focus on this handsome little boy," she winked, poking Adam on the nose. He giggled and changed the channel to find some better cartoons on the small flat screen hanging in front of his bed.
"But…"
"But nothing. We agreed that neither of us really know each other at this point in our lives. It's not a fresh start, but it's… a beginning?"
"And you're okay with this? Right? Because you know Nathan will kick his-"
"Language!" Peyton teased and Haley laughed.
"I was gonna say…leg. Obviously. I don't curse, Peyton." The blonde snorted and continued to ruffle Adam's short hair.
"I'm okay, Hales. Really. Maybe this is what we need. Maybe it's what we've needed for years now. Cut the past away, clean slate – kind of – and just actually start again. I don't think we've had real conversations about anything other than the kids and all the hurt we've caused each other since we were like sixteen and dating. You're lucky, you know?" Haley nodded knowingly.
They weren't perfect. Their history was messy and complicated but the little boy in front of her had sort of given them another chance. There were no blueprints or manuals on which path they should take to cause the least amount of pain. There were no easy answers – there never had been when it came to them. And maybe it wouldn't work. Maybe they were too different and the timing was so wrong at this point. Maybe she'd be too stubborn and cold and maybe she'd never be able to trust him again. Maybe he'd leave, get scared, or be too selfish. So many parts of her were screaming to walk away – the sixteen year old inside her was pointing her away from him time and time again. But maybe this was the time. Maybe all of the tears and pain and heartache had led them here to begin again.
"I know it wasn't always wrong, but I've never known a winter so cold. Now I don't warm my hands in your coat, but I still hope. Cause this is how things ought to have been and I know the worst of it wasn't all that it seemed. So why can't I dream? Why can't I dream? Cause I know you care, I know it's always been there." -
