Callen woke up with a drum pounding in his head. Damn tequila, he thought as he sat up with a groan. He slowly opened his eyes and was rewarded by a flash of pain when a beam of sunlight shone straight into them. He quickly shut them, stifling another groan. Turning his head away from the light, he tried opening them again and was able to this time without any pain.
He slowly too in his surroundings and found that he was sitting on the bed in Sam's guest room. How the hell did I get here? he wondered. As he searched for the answer, memories from the night before came slowly back. Grief over what he had done hit him anew and had him almost doubled over. He had just barely recovered when he heard a tentative knock at the door, and Michelle glided in.
"Well look who's finally awake," she said.
"Morning Michelle," he said through a groan as the pounding in his head grew louder.
"Good morning, G," she replied. "The first step to the land of the living, coffee and breakfast, is in the kitchen."
"Okay. I'll be there in a minute," he replied as he slowly got out of bed. He heard the door close behind Michelle as she left. Moving slowly, he reached into his duffel bag and pulled out the shirt on top. Sadness almost overwhelmed him when he realized it was Rachael's. Repressing the emotion, he carefully set it aside and continued getting dressed. When that was done, he followed the smell of food to the kitchen.
At the entrance, he was greeted by the sight of fresh-made pancakes and a pot of coffee. Bypassing the food, he went straight for the caffeine and poured himself a cup.
"Make sure you eat too, G," he heard Michelle gently scold from where she was flipping pancakes, her back to him. "I know you need your coffee, Sam does too, but that hangover will bite you harder later if you don't eat." She turned and handed him a plate of warm pancakes covered in butter.
"I was just getting to that," he said with a smile as he grabbed the plate. "Thank you for the breakfast." He walked over to the bar at the edge of the kitchen and sat down.
"You're very welcome," Michelle said as she turned off the gridle. She turned to face him with the spatula still in her hand. "Now eat," she ordered, pointing at him with the spatula. "Or I'm going to make Sam's workouts look like a walk in the park."
Callen chuckled. "Yes ma'am," he replied as he obeyed. He quickly devoured the stack of pancakes, surprised by how hungry he was. Curious, he looked at the clock. It was after 11. "Holy crap," he said aloud. "I didn't realize it was that late."
"Yep," Michelle affirmed. "You and Sam got in early this morning. He had trouble getting up for our run before breakfast."
"Where is Sam anyway?" Callen asked. He took a sip of his coffee.
"Off to talk to Rachael," Michelle answered, leaning against the counter top. "He left shortly before you got up. Wouldn't tell me why either, but since you're here I'm assuming something happened between you two last night."
Callen stared into his coffee. "Yeah, you could say that," he said quietly. He took a sip.
"Well?" Michelle prodded. "What happened?"
"Is Kamran around?" he suddenly asked, looking around.
"No," Michelle replied. "She's at a sleep over. But don't distract from the question."
"I'm not," he replied. "I just don't want her to hear this story." He took a deep breath. "Without going into the details, I was drunk last night and Rachael woke up from a nightmare right as I was going to bed. We started talking, and then we started making out. I pushed her too far and didn't listen to her asking and telling me to stop. When she could, she escaped." He ended the story abruptly to hold back the flood of emotion that threatened to flood him. He again heard the pleading in her voice and saw the tears in her eyes as she galloped away. He took a deep steadying breath and a sip of coffee. "I'm not proud of what I did," he continued, staring into his cup. "I know I really screwed up, but I can't undo it and I don't know how to fix it."
"Well, for one thing," Michelle began, a harsh note in her voice. "You are never drinking around that girl again. And you are going to look at me when I'm talking to you, Grisha Callen." Startled by the scolding, Callen lifted his head to look at Michelle. "That's better," she said, still very clearly angry. Her face was scrunched into a scowl that made him want to run and hide. "What you did is beyond screwing up. What you did is beyond even a royal fuck up. What you did is inexcusable and scarring to the poor girl. What you did also has a name: sexual assault."
"But I never - " Callen interjected.
"It doesn't matter!" Michelle snapped. "And if you had then it would be called rape! It's still sexual assault, what you did, and still punishable by law! That is, if she were to press charges, which bless her sweet soul, she's probably not going to do! Let me tell you, it is a very good thing Rachael is not my daughter, because if she was, your ass would be getting the worst torture I know of before being handed off to the police for a quick trial and conviction!" Michelle was still on the far side of the kitchen from Callen, but she had put down the spatula to grip the counter top behind her. Her knuckles were white from the tightness of her grip, like it was the only thing keeping her from leaping across the kitchen at Callen.
She took a deep, steadying breath, and some color returned to knuckles as if she'd relaxed her grip. "As for what you are going to do to 'fix' it," Michelle continued slowly, only slightly calmer. "You are going to do the biggest apology you have ever done. You will get down on your knees and beg for her forgiveness if you have to. You will do anything and everything you can to tell her how sorry you are. Once you have apologized until you're blue in the face, then you can maybe ask if the two of you still have a chance. And then you will abide by her answer."
Callen blinked a couple of times as he registered that Michelle was done. He was so shocked by the ferocity of her scolding that it took him a minute to find his voice. "Y-yes m-ma'am," he finally stammered out.
"Good," Michelle said as she fully released the counter top and pushed away from it. "Now, Sam will be back in time for lunch. Until then, do whatever you need to do to become human." She started washing the dishes.
Grateful he was no longer in her cross hairs, Callen drained the rest of his coffee and scooted away from the bar. He set his dishes by the rest and got out of the kitchen as fast as he could.
By the time Sam returned, Callen had gone for a short run, showered, and had mostly recovered from his hangover. It was 1 by the time the former SEAL stepped through the door. Callen took in the carefully controlled anger in Sam's face and knew he was in for another well-deserved tongue lashing. But before it could come, Michelle came out of the kitchen.
"Hey baby," she said to Sam. "How are you?"
"Better now that you're here," Sam replied with a smile as he gave her a quick hug. He made eye contact with Callen as he straightened.
"You can postpone the lecture until after lunch," Michelle said, laying her hand on Sam's chest. "I've already given him one that'll leave him bruised until he's old a gray."
"Makes my job easier then," Sam muttered. He glanced around. "Where's Kamran? I'd thought she's be home by now."
"She was supposed to be," Michelle replied. "But considering what we're about to discuss, I called and asked if it was okay for her to stay a little longer. Kamran was, of course, thrilled."
Sam gave a small smile. "Of course she was. Well, why don't we go ahead and eat." he went into the kitchen, Michelle at his side. Callen followed, feeling like an outsider.
Lunch was a tense thing. The only thing Callen wanted to ask about was how Rachael was, but he knew that would start the tongue lashing early, and he didn't think he could stand the anger of both Hanna parents at the same time. Seemingly sensing that any attempt at conversation with him would be futile, and apparently having nothing else to talk about, Sam and Michelle sat in silence as well. All too soon, yet not soon enough, lunch was over and the dishes were done. Callen took a deep breath, braced himself, and asked the question that had been burning since he woke up. "How's Rachael?"
Sam's eyes turned hard and glinted with anger. "A mess," he said bluntly. "And that's no thanks to you." He got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen.
Slightly nervous, Callen got up as well and followed. He sensed more than saw Michelle shadow the both of them as they made their way to the back yard.
"How bad is she?" Callen tentatively asked when they were outside.
"Bad," Sam replied, turning to look at him. He crossed his arms over his chest. "So bad, you're lucky I'm not beating you to a pulp where you stand, even if you are my partner."
"Sam," Michelle cautioned from behind Callen.
Sam seemed to ignore his wife as he suddenly rushed Callen. "She cried for over 20 minutes!" he yelled as he slammed Callen into the side of the house. "20 minutes! And she didn't shed a single tear when she told me about Brett!" he put his face close to Callen's. "You are so lucky she is not my daughter because if she was, you wouldn't be alive!" A look of disgust came over his face. He dropped Callen and stalked to the middle of the yard.
Callen fell to his knees with a groan. The drum beat was back in his head. He pushed it aside and slowly stood up. Sam was watching him with his arms crossed. Callen slowly, carefully, made his way over to him. Before he could say anything, Sam spoke.
"Right now, I'm ashamed to know you, G," he said in a low voice. "What you did last night," Sam shook his head. "I don't even have words to describe how wrong it is for you to push a girl like Rachael to where you did, to cause her the pain you did." Sam's voice grew as he continued. "I thought you were better than that G! Would've bet my life on it! In addition to all kinds of wrong, it was dishonorable in every sense of the word!"
Callen hung his head in shame. "I know," he said softly. "I know how wrong it was."
"Do you really, G?" Sam challenged. "Look at me!" he yelled when Callen kept his head bowed. "Do you really get how wrong it is? How bad and how much it's affecting her? 'Cause I don't think you do."
"And why do you think that?" Callen challenged, crossing his arms and standing toe to toe with his partner. "You don't think I know how badly I hurt her? How deeply I wounded her?! You don't think I know the grief, the hurt, the pain she's carrying around? Well I do!" Callen's voice grew louder. "I do because I'm carrying around the same hurt, the same grief, the same pain! Even more so because I also have the shame of causing it! So don't give me a lecture on grief and pain."
Sam shook his head. "You don't get it, do you?" he snarled. "Do you even remember Brett? How she was afterwards?"
"Of course I remember Brett!" Callen exploded. "I was every night when she had nightmares! I was there every time she stared at the spot on the floor where he died! Hell, I was there when it happened! I saw the fear in her eyes when Brett drew the gun on me, and I saw the fear in her eyes after I killed him! Of course I remember Brett!"
"Well, all of that ain't nothing compared to what you're putting her through right now!" Sam yelled back. "And what makes it even worse is that you knew her past, had gained her trust through helping her through it, and you STILL did what you did! How insensitive, how inhuman can you be?"
"I'm not proud of it, okay?" Callen yelled back. "I wish I could take it back," he said very quietly. Tears started to pool in his eyes. He quickly looked away. He took a breath and forced himself to look back at his partner. "if there was a way - any way - that I could undo what I did, then I would. But I can't." Tears were falling down his face now. "I can't take away the fact that I . . . assaulted her. I will spend the rest of my life living with that shame and guilt. And because of what I done, I will probably be spending it without her." Callen finally looked away from his partner. Grief over what he'd done and what he'd lost knocked him to his knees. Sobs forced their way out of his throat and wracked his body.
He heard Sam kneel down next to him and felt him put a hand on his shoulder. "All hope might not be lost," he heard Sam say quietly. "As inconceivable as it is, she still loves you." Callen lifted his head and looked at his partner in surprise. "I know, I know," Sam said. "But she does. She needs the time to process though. I'd say give her a few days, and wait for her to reach out to you. In the meantime," Sam's face grew stern, "You'd better come up with a damn good way to apologize to her."
After Sam had left and she ate some lunch, Rachael went down stairs to give Jet a proper grooming. As she curried him, she found herself talking aloud.
"I guess one of the harder parts for me to wrap my head around is the fact that he actually . . . assaulted me," she said. "I hate calling it that - assault. To me, it makes it bigger than what it is, but whatever." She shrugged. "It just seems so unlike G to do that - that's why its s hard to wrap my head around it." She sighed and switched curry combs as she moved to Jet's legs.
"What I couldn't tell Sam though, and what's extremely difficult to admit to myself, is that there were parts of it I actually . . . enjoyed. It felt good when he was doing all of those things. And that scares me," she admitted. "I mean, I know sex is supposed to be that way, but, like . . . Oh I don't know." She paused in her currying to think. "I think it scares me" she slowly articulated, "because it makes the temptation that much harder to resist, the draw to actually go all the way is now stronger. A step closer to the edge." She resumed her currying. "What I wouldn't give to not have - " she stopped. "No," she corrected herself. "This boundary is a good thing. Imagine how much worse it would've been if I had gone all the way with Brett. This is a protection, and it's better for me with this boundary in place. All the same . . ." She trailed off. She recalled the sensations that Callen had stirred in her the night before. Goosebumps covered her body as she felt again Callen's warm breath on her breasts as he -
"Rachal, stop!" she scolded. She shook her head to get rid of the image. "That's not helping you in any way, shape or form." She went over to her grooming kit and grabbed her hard brush. She brushed silently for a few minutes. She grabbed her soft brush. "What am I going to say to him?" she suddenly asked out loud. A tail swish from Jet made her realize she'd quit brushing. "Sorry bud," she apologized as she resumed. "But I don't know what I'll say to him when we talk. I feel like it's rude to reach out to talk to someone just to demand an apology." She thought for a moment, still brushing.
"I mean, what if he brings up the fact that I kissed him back like that? That's another thing I didn't want to tell Sam. I did kiss G differently than I normally do. And it was after that kiss that he changed. So maybe it was my fault." She hung her head and rested her hand on Jet's shoulder. "No," she said after a minute as she lifted her head. "I asked him to stop. I have made the line very clear, and he still crossed it. It's not my fault." She grabbed her mane and tail brush.
"Even still," she muttered. "He could still bring it up. And of course he'll be asking if there's still a chance for us to be together. But I don't know the answer to that question!" She started talking quicker. "I mean, I still love him, but is it really smart to stay with someone who sexually assaulted you? Not to mention the fact that I can't-slash-don't trust him right now. And trust is essential for a good relationship.
"But last night was an aberration, something out of character for him. He doesn't normally act that way. So of course I can trust him. It's like judging a horse's character based on one ride you had on a day that he was not himself.
"But there's a chance that this 'aberration' could happen more and more often, which would make it not smart to stay with him.
"But I love him! I know that he did a horrible thing and that right now I can't trust him, but I love him! He was also there for me right after Brett died and helped me work through his death. I can't ask for a better proof of his care for me than that time. Oh Jet!" Rachael exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I just don't know what I would tell him! And what if he does bring up the way I kissed him? Then what will I do?" She buried her face in his neck and let her thoughts wander.
Jet stomping to get rid of the flies brought her back to the present moment. She released Jet's neck, took a step back, and took a deep breath. "I'm freaking out over nothing right now," she said calmly. "I don't have to have the answers right now. I have time. Let's give it a couple days and we'll see where we are. Now," she said, switching her attention to Jet. "I still have to finish grooming you."
