AN: Sorry for the long wait!


Kurt felt like he had boarded an emotional rollercoaster. His feelings were all over the place and so very confusing it was making him dizzy. At nights he lay awake and groaned trying to get his mind from running wild. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and he just could not figure out what to do.

At first he had been unbelievably happy. It felt like everything had been put into place and suddenly began making sense. He knew who he was and what he wanted in life. He was gay! He liked boys! And he especially liked Nick, the boy who had been so nice to him in the hallway. Kurt spent most of his school day watching the other boy. Admiring him when he gave the correct answer in class, when he made a particularly good move during a sports game and when he broke up fights in the lunch hall. The confusion and uncertainty that had been plaguing Kurt disappeared. He felt completely content and event the constant giggles or teasing remarks from the girls could not ruin his little high.

All too soon the happiness was replaced by anger. Anger at himself for not figuring things out sooner. Everyone else had, had they not? He had been teased for being gay for as long as he could remember, painful memories going as far back as kindergarten. He had been taunted, bullied and hurt over something that now turned out to be true. Kurt loathed the fact that the bullies had been right. As much as he tried to tell himself that even though they had been right about him being gay, it did not make the bullying right, he could not quite make himself believe it. He felt like a second class citizen and at times it was hard to get out of bed and drag himself to school, the place where everyone else seemed to know so much more about him than he did himself. How could he have been so naïve and blind about his own feelings? Had he not always know that he was different and liked boys? Why had he not been able to be honest with himself any sooner?

The fact that he was completely unable to have any normal interaction with Nick since figuring out his crush did not help either. Kurt could only watch and admire from afar. Never daring to approach the boy and speak to him. When Nick returned Kurt's dropped pencil or asked him what page they were on in a book - even when he told the other guys who were teasing him to back off and leave the boy alone - Kurt could do nothing but blush and stutter. Most of the times he wished the earth would just swallow him whole.

Then there was the looming presence of Dave Karofsky who seemed to follow Kurt everywhere he went. Every time Kurt turned to look around the bigger boy was there staring at him and when Kurt raised an eyebrow in question Karofsky would scoff or make a threatening gesture in his direction. When they came across each other in the hall it usually ended with Kurt being tripped or shoved into the lockers. What had he ever done to make the bully become so obsessed with him?

All this left the poor boy deeply depressed. He spent hours in his room crying into his pillow - or Valentino if the dog found him and cuddled close to offer his support. He wrote sad love songs and poems, even a couple of goodbye letters - all of which he ended up ripping to shreds and throwing away, embarrassed of being such a teenage drama queen. Wait… being a drama queen was far too gay. Was there no cool manly way of being dramatic? What if he wanted to be a drama king? Things got so bad that he no longer loved styling his hair or keeping up his skin care regimen, he was even seen wearing the same outfit to school twice in a week. Why should he care about what the world thought of him? Had not everyone already passed their judgment on him? He should just accept his place at the bottom of the social ladder and that he would never be able to find someone to love him back. He felt pathetic.

He knew he should most probably talk to somebody about all this, but who should he turn to? Surely not his parents. Kurt could not imagine anything more embarrassing than asking his parents about advice on his love life - not that he had one, he was only twelve after all - well, almost thirteen now but he was pretty sure that a coming out was not what parents meant when they mentioned the terrible thirteen. He knew his parents would be supportive, his mother might even ask to meet Nick and have him come to the house and then she would end up showing the boy all of Kurt's embarrassing childhood pictures. His dad would probably give him a speech about always acting like a gentleman, like he had done with Finn, Puck, Sam and only recently Artie. Or did you only get that speech when you liked girls? What kind of a speech did fathers give to their gay sons? And that was when Kurt started feeling less secure about his parents' support. What if they were not as accepting? What if they ended up hating him? Beating him? Or even kicking him out of the house? Kurt had heard stories about gay kids who this had happened to. Was it not something you saw on television all the time? Maybe that was how parents were supposed to behave! No, he could not risk telling his parents and lose their love, even though they had been nothing but supportive of him so far.

So who was left? Dr. Davis? She would surely have a lot of experience with this kind of thing - or did she not? What if he really was the only gay teen to ever come out in Lima, Ohio? The therapist would not know how to deal with him - or worse, maybe she would like to show him off to her colleagues, present him at psychology conventions or write a book about gay teens and have his face on the cover!

Kurt shook his head. He could definitely not let that happen. Should he turn to his friends instead? They already kind of knew about his crush on Nick, even though he had not yet openly admitted to it. No, he could not tell them, they already broke into giggles whenever they saw him look at Nick or the other boy walked close by. They would surely start singing embarrassing little songs about the two of them sitting in trees and it was already so hard for Mercedes to keep her mouth shut about anything. She might tell her parents and then Kurt would end up being summoned to their church where he would have to stand in front of everybody and beg for forgiveness. They would call him a sinner and tell him he would be going to hell if he did not change. They would tell him that the God who had made him like this hated him for being who he was. And what if they would not allow Mercedes to be friends with him anymore?

This only left his siblings. Bu who should he talk to? He did not want to talk to Artie because he had just found out that he shared some classes with Nick's older sister and he just could not risk his secret getting out like that. Brittany would be really supportive but probably terribly confusing and Sam would surely end up showing him a movie that was somehow supposed to be related to his problems, but Kurt barely ever got the references. He would love to talk to Puck, but he and Finn were away at college and this was not a conversation he wanted to have over the phone.

This left Santana and the girl had often enough told him that he could always come to her - but that had been the old Santana, the loving and cuddling sister. The new Santana was always busy with cheerleading stuff or going on dates with the kind of boys Kurt loved to hate - or who loved to hate and bully him. He knew deep down that she was still not over Quinn, but he could not talk to her about that because nobody ever dared to mention the blonde's name in his sister's presence anymore. Brittany had confided in him that Quinn had been the one to tell Santana that she did not believe in long distance relationships and for a while he was sure it had broken the Latina's heart. Then the new Santana had emerged, the one who was always harsh and sarcastic and dated a new boy on the football team every week. Kurt was sure he did not want to talk to this Santana but he still made his way to her room, hoping to find the old version was still there somewhere. He heard music as he approached the door, which had not been closed all the way - something Brittany kept reminding people of so Lord Tubbington could find her if he needed to.

When Kurt looked inside he could not see Brit or the cat anywhere. Santana was sitting alone on the bed, Sam's guitar in her arms as she was gently moving her fingers over the strings. She was humming a melody and soon began to play a song and sing in a very sad voice.

The smell of a candle
freshly blown out
the light of the clock
shines on my skin
like a sickly green moonlight
on a pale white day's decay
I try to wipe you from my memory
but your face won't fade away

another boy kissed me today
I laughed in his mouth
it's not funny that I'm not kissing you
I'm not laughing because we fell through
it's the stories they told us when we were younger about life and love
how our happiness lies in the hands of another
who'd fly in on the wings of a dove

well that's the way the fairy tale goes
boy meets girl and they wed with roses
but that's not the way it seems to be
and I'm pissed that they lied to me
cuz boy meets boy and boy runs away
or girl meets girl and she's afraid to stay
we end up home alone watching court tv
not living ever after happily

you're right
you are prince charming
onto the next princess when he's bored with the last
he's the hero of every story
he's got his chapter in every girl's book
he walks away with all the honor and glory
but I wonder what else he took

goodbye, prince charming
and drown sleeping beauty
shove Cinderella's slipper where the sun don't shine
toss the little mermaid back out to sea
cuz the fairy godmother had to perform another abortion today
and the seven dwarves live in the forest, of course, cuz they were driven away
but this part of the story could spark a cultural rage
so at the sound of the tone we just turn the page

starting today
we'll tell the story my way
the king of imperfection
takes back the prince of mistakes

Kurt stood in the doorway watching his sister in awe. The song had been so beautiful and so tragically fitting to both of their lives, he actually forgot to breathe for a moment, completely lost in his thoughts. He was brought back to reality when he heard a loud sob break the silence that had ensued. He took a deep breath and knocked on the doorframe.

„Tana?"

His sister's beautiful dark eyes were shining with tears when they met his. He half expected her to yell at him and tell him to leave her alone, but instead she just held his gaze and opened her arms. He was across the room in the fraction of a second and threw himself into her arms. They clutched each other tightly and just cried for a very long time.

Kurt allowed his sister to hold him and run her fingers through his hair - something that would usually get someone close to losing an arm - both teens taking comfort in the other's presence.

„I miss her." Santana softly whispered.

„I know."

They stayed silent for another few minutes before Kurt gathered his courage and took a deep breath before locking eyes with the girl.

„I'm gay." he said, proud of managing to keep his voice steady.

„I know."

They said nothing else and just cuddled until their mother called them for dinner.


After dinner the family gathered in the living room. It was movie night and Kurt's turn to choose a dvd. Under everyone's watchful eyes he chose „Labyrinth". They had not watched this movie in years and he knew it would make Santana happy. He also loved how the story was about being brave standing up for yourself. He just wished he could find someone to give him the courage to do so.

Kurt made two promises to himself that night. The first one was that he would never be ashamed of who he was and the second one was that he was going to find a way to talk to Nick.


AN:

I'm really sorry for the long wait. I had originally planned to have a chapter up about 2 days after the last one, but then I felt the need to write this and it just hit way too close to home and was really tough to write for me.

Please don't be mad!

Thanks for all the lovely messages and reviews. You guys truly rock!

The song Santana sings is called Ever After Happily and belongs to the lovely Mr. Jay Brannan, you can check him out on Youtube. I promise he's both nice to listen to and look at ;-)

Also my deepest apologies to Steven, who's name I keep spelling wrong. And no.. he's not my boyfriend… hehe ... but it's cute some of you thought so. He's just a faithful reader who turned into good friend I get to gleek out with online because none of my stupid real friends love Glee (blasphemy!). Poor guy had to endure so many of my glee rants, he could write a book.

And a big shout out to Lydia. I'm so proud of you! *hugs*

I can't believe how many of you guys I'm calling my friends now. Thank you!

Any tips on how to survive the next 2 weeks?