Chapter 52
Fish and rising bubbles moved through the glass in front of Shepard's face. The Normandy's cabin rippled with the aquatic glow of the fish tank. Shepard's hand tightened on the plaque hanging limply at her side. As she lifted it, the watery light glimmered on the silver and glass. So gaudy.
Shepard strolled to her desk and traced a finger over the engraved wreath of bay leaves. Award for saving the galaxy. Award for using the crucible. Award for deciding the fate of every form of life. She threw it onto her desk with a thud. It teetered on the edge, and she leaned over the center of the desk on both hands. Even if the desk wasn't glass, she'd be looking right through it.
She missed the Normandy moving and alive. Out of the dry docks finally, it was just sitting here outside HQ, waiting for the next adventure around the bend. It felt so silent. No rumble of engine or FLT, no waiting for the click of the overhead comm. Just silence, except for the bubbling of the fish tank. Footsteps sounded outside her cabin door and the elevator doors slid shut. Shepard forehead creased and she turned to the door with a frown. The cabin door slid open.
"Kaidan?" Shepard stood up from the desk.
"Oh, hey." He paused in the doorway. "You are here."
"How did you know I was here?"
"Was it a secret?" He walked into the room with hands crossed under his arms. "Probably shouldn't use your real ID codes for dock access. Someone with Spectre privileges might track you."
"Uh huh."
"You weren't in your room." He leaned back on the wall by the fishtank. "That is the next logic step, right?"
"Usually I try calling or messaging, but I see the appeal of some good, old fashion stalking." Shepard rested her weight against the edge of the desk to face him. "Why'd you stop by my room?"
"To see your hamster. Wouldn't let me in after my three failed password attempts. Stranger danger, I guess." Kaidan grinned, then nodded at her. "To see you, of course."
Shepard smiled softly at him. Shadows reflected across Kaidan's face from the water.
"How you feeling?" she asked. The desk creaked as she shifted against it.
"Normal. Mostly." He held out his left palm. "Shaky, though. You?"
Shepard held her hand out flat.
"You too," Kaidan said and tucked his hand back under his arm.
"Doctors say anything about it?" Shepard asked.
"I don't think they know. It'll probably go away."
"Damn. I hope so. Ruins the mood I'm going for when holding someone at gunpoint."
"You're Captain Shepard. They'll think you're shaking in rage, not fear."
Shepard grinned. Kaidan stood straighter. He pulled a hand out from under his arm.
"I have something for you."
Shepard's eyebrows pinched. She gave a crooked smile and held out her hand.
"Shaky hands. It's a risky exchange," he said placing a weight into her palm.
He stepped back, and Shepard stared down at her palm. Her smile widened, and she looked up.
"Coasters."
"I want my area rug to brown."
Shepard ran her fingers up the stack of frosted glass, clicking apart one at a time. She chuckled.
"Area rug, huh? Damn. Why'd I go with something so big. Can't talk you into a paper towel dispenser or something?"
"My heart's set on a rug."
Shepard glanced up from under her eyebrows. "How much area we talking for this area rug?"
"Up to you."
"And brown, huh?"
"Can't go wrong with a neutral."
"Right. Wouldn't want to clash with your blank walls and empty end tables."
"Less to dust that way."
"Kaidan, I don't really see you spending your off time with a feather duster."
"Yeah, exactly. Because of the blank walls and empty end tables."
Shepard smirked and shook her head. "Kaidan …"
"Shepard …"
Shepard clutched the glass coaster in both hands and stared down at them. The coasters blurred as her vision as her eyes drifted out of focus. The smooth edge of each coasters tripped under her thumb as she brushed up and down the stack. She looked up.
"What kind of postage am I looking at to send an area rug to the Terminus System?"
Kaidan put his palm on the wall and looked down for a moment. "I'll be back."
"Right." Shepard set the coasters on the desk behind her. "You know, dusting's going to be a major chore, if you come back."
"If?" Kaidan frowned. "I'll be back."
Shepard gave a limp shrug and crossed her arms. "Okay."
Kaidan's gaze drifted around the room, and Shepard watched him, silent. His eyes flickered to hers as if feeling her observe him.
"A lot of memories," he said.
"Yeah." Shepard's throat tightened.
Kaidan settled his back against the wall and gave an exaggerated sigh. "Seems like only yesterday James and I were here, shooting the breeze, hiding out as turien Spectres tossed the ship. Yes, treasured memories."
"I thought my stuff looked disturbed."
"Blame Taccus."
"Came in, my chair was thirty degrees out of alignment with the desk."
"Grounds for a complaint, if I ever heard one."
"So, I should make Taccus a formal complaint about knocking my chair out of alignment?"
"Be justified." Kaidan shrugged.
"Include profanity?"
"Don't hold back."
"Written or verbal?"
"Both. Singing telegram."
"Follow up with revenge?"
"I know his favorite spot in the Spectre office. We'll knock his chair out of alignment forty degrees."
"Harsh."
"Thirty-eight degrees then."
"Thirty, and we prevent the spiral of retaliation."
"Good idea. One broken jaw's enough."
"Broken jaw?" Shepard's eyebrows bunched.
"Oh, yeah." Kaidan gave a small smile and shrugged. "I deserved it."
"You're serious? Taccus slugged you?" Shepard stood up from the desk.
"Why would I joke about that?" Kaidan laughed. "If I'm making up stories, I'm not going to put myself on the receiving end."
"Damn." Shepard studied him. "Suspended from the Alliance, physical altercation with another Spectre - Kaidan, you're becoming a Bad Boy."
"Ah, don't remind me." Kaidan groaned and turned sideways against the wall. He rested his temple against the wall.
Shepard strolled over to the fish tank and leaned against it to face him. His eyes followed a silver fish contorting and circling in the space between them.
"Like my new fish?" she asked.
He smiled. "Watch out. Might show them how to wash a dish."
"Eh." Shepard shrugged against the tank. "After my hamster moves in, they'll get the gossip soon enough."
"Judgmental, dangerous, and a gossip? Maybe I should have been going to your room to see the hamster."
"It's not free," Shepard said and tapped her chest. "Ringmaster, remember?"
"I'll put my credits where my mouth is."
"No refunds."
"Of course. Fair warning: I do send my complaints by singing telegram."
Shepard rolled her eyes. His fingers pressed to the glass, and he glanced over at her.
"You did a good job at the Summit. Being the alternate. I'm glad you change your mind."
"Not sure Sparatus or Ilk would agree, but thanks. Just happy Mason took the wheel back."
The silver fish flashed back and forth under Kaidan's fingers. Shepard rested her face against the cool glass and listened to the bubbles. She watched the fish, like a dancing flame in the water. Her eyes strayed to Kaidan's hand on the glass. She felt a soft smile pull at her lips. She glanced at him, and he was watching her.
"Where's the Laurel?" he asked.
"The Council's award?"
"Yeah."
Shepard motioned off to the side. Kaidan's eyes followed her limp wave to the desk. He lifted his head from the wall and squinted. She tapped the glass tank with a fingertip. The fish darted away.
"Shepard." He slid forward and rested his shoulders against the tank. Shepard looked up and waited. Light ripples across his face as he leaned his cheek against the glass and studied her. "Why are you unhappy about the medal?"
"I'm not unhappy." Shepard frowned. "I'm just not ecstatic or whatever everyone expects me to be."
"Why not?"
"I don't get ecstatic over anything."
"I don't know. I was there when you found that limited-edition model geth juggernaut."
Shepard rolled her eyes and tapped at the fish under the glass. Kaidan touched her arm briefly. She met his eyes.
"Why don't you like the award?" he said.
"Kaidan …" Shepard sighed and pressed the side of her face to the cool glass. She stared across the water at him.
"Why?" he said softly.
The cabin's darkness muted everything around her, except the chill of the fish tank, rippling of bubbles, and Kaidan's eyes glimmering in the pale, blue light. For an instant, she was still there – hearing the shuttle's systems whine down, scrambling to throw off metal, the mesmerizing first glimpse of blue beneath, a rushing return of breath and blood. She blinked it away, but the heaviness remained. Another minute, another choice, somewhere in another lifetime, she still stood here, but alone – decaying in darkness, staring through empty walls, longing for a heartbeat grown still. He shifted against the wall.
"What is it?" he said again.
His eyes, deep and soft, searched her face, and breath leaked out of her lungs.
"The geth," she said finally. "They're all gone, every last one, the whole galaxy. Every synthetic form of like it, EDI, all of them. Maybe even ones we never knew existed. Gone."
Shepard pulled her eyes away and listened to the slow rhythm of his breathing. He didn't say anything. Her forehead creased.
"I told you I had a choice on the Crucible. What I chose … I chose the organics, Kaidan." She looked up.
"Some decision had to be made, right? If you hadn't been there, Shepard, organics would have died too. The geth and EDI would have been lost anyway."
"That wasn't the only choice."
Kaidan frowned. Shepard folded her arms and watched the silver fish.
"I had other choices, Kaidan. The synthetics could have lived."
"The organics or the synthetics. If only one could live …"
"No." Shepard looked up sharply. "It wasn't us or them. It could have been … well, everyone could have lived. But, that's not what I chose."
The furrow between Kaidan's eyes deepened. "I don't understand."
"The Crucible talked to me. It gave me choices. It said I could control the reapers, funnel myself into some synthetic code, and watch out for life – humanity, all synthetics and organics. What the Illusive Man said, it was possible."
"Control the reapers? Become one?"
"Yes."
His eyes darkened. "Maybe the Crucible wanted you to think you could control them. Maybe they would have controlled you."
"Maybe. Or, maybe I could have rebuilt, protected. Everyone working together, alive, no genocide."
"But turn into a reaper? Even if they didn't control you … Shepard, would it even be you? Without your emotions, with your humanity stripped away, the decisions you'd mean to make may not be the same decisions you'd make as a … reaper."
"EDI felt fidelity. Maybe she couldn't feel love like we do, but there was something that drove her decisions. Decisions to help us."
"It wouldn't be you, Shepard."
"There was another choice too."
Kaidan leaned forward. "Another?"
"Synthesis, combine organics and synthetics into one life form. According to the Crucible, the pinnacle of evolution, true symbiosis, harmony."
"Like Saren."
Shepard nodded with her face against the glass.
"He didn't seem so happy in the end," Kaidan said. "He shot himself because he couldn't live like that."
"He was indoctrinated."
"Maybe with choosing that decision, we'd all be indoctrinated."
"Or maybe, if it was true, geth, humans, turiens, every lifeform would have true peace, collaboration, the best of all of us in harmony. Together."
"But you didn't choose that. You must have felt something wrong in it."
Shepard dropped her eyes and shrugged. "Like controlling the reapers, it was just the unknown. I was afraid."
"It would be risk. Gamble the galaxy on a big win and end up losing everything," Kaidan said.
"No form of life lost."
"Shepard, I don't want to be part machine. The geth, they probably wouldn't have wanted to be part organic. We needed to survive the reapers as ourselves, not save some version of ourselves, some version not even really be us anymore."
"Even if it really was perfection?"
"Life's never been perfect." Kaidan studied her face. "Maybe it isn't meant to be."
Shepard moved away from the fish tank. The Laurel of Apotheosis gleamed in the light from the edge of her desk. Apotheosis, ascension to near divinity, a reward for playing God. She rounded her desk chair. She faced him and gripped the back.
"You could be right about the choices. But in the end, I'm no different than the Illusive Man. Humanity first. To not risk us, humanity, I chose to kill them."
Kaidan drifted over to her and stopped by the desk.
"What if it had been reversed then? What if by destroying the reapers, you knew humanity would be lost instead of the synthetics?"
"Would I choose a different option?"
Kaidan nodded. Shepard's fingers dug into the chair's plastic.
"I don't know," she said.
The silver and glass plaque caught her eye again. She circled the chair and sank down slowly. The plaque's wreath of evergreens, it symbolized honor and victory. This wasn't a victory for the victorious, it was a victory won by sacrifice. Her eyes cut back to Kaidan.
"I still would have destroyed them."
"Then, there's you answer." Kaidan sank down by her legs and put a hand over hers. "You made the right choice. You did what the Council asked – destroyed the reapers. Weighing options and risk, losing one to save many – that's the sort of logic, the geth used. You saved us. I think the geth would have understood that decision."
Shepard slipped a hand out from under his and rested it on top. He gazed back at her with a warmth playing in his smile. The softness on his face and touch of his hands made her chest clench. The depth in his eyes made her throat go dry, and his hands tightened on hers. Then he pulled away and stood.
"I probably should head out."
Shepard swallowed against the stickiness in her throat. "When do you …"
"Tomorrow."
"Oh." Shepard gave a slow nod that sharpened. "Right."
"You're leaving, too, though."
"Uh, yeah. Rachni activity's increasing around Palaven. Time to get it straightened out."
"An important task," Kaidan said.
"And so's stabilizing the Terminus System." Shepard stood. "I thought they may change their plans for you after your promotion."
"We have over thirty ships committed now, not just Alliance. Someone has to make the decisions."
"You're heading it? Not just the Alliance, all of it?"
Kaidan nodded.
"General Alenko," Shepard said.
"Hackett should be proud." Kaidan gave a weak smile. "He wanted big things for us."
"On our way, I guess." Shepard forced a smile in return. "If we can sort out all this Rachni trouble, I'll going to Thessia, eventually. The asari have agreed to help the Council and Alliance in restoring the citadel."
Kaidan gazed at the fish tank and gave a delayed nod. "That's good." He looked back to her. "Touch base with Liara. She's recruiting her contacts there. If politics get in the way, she can help you."
"Well, it's Palaven first. The citadel isn't priority. Thessia's still a year or more out."
Shepard concentrated on picking at a nick along the edge of the desk.
"I know," Kaidan said. "But you should connect with her, if the time comes. It's your decisions though. We'll see what barriers you run into. With the citadel orbiting Earth, the popularity of it being the seat of galactic power … Can't imagine it won't have its opponents. Liara can help."
"Liara will be on Thessia?" Shepard folded her arms and looked up. "Even a year, two years from now? On Thessia?"
"As far as I know."
"As far as you know?"
"Yeah." Kaidan clutched his elbows and dropped his eyes to the floor. After a moment, he shifted. "I think it's for the best." He looked up. "Returning to Thessia. What's right."
Shepard held his eyes then nodded slowly. "All right. I'll connect with her then. Maybe you're right about the politics."
"Well, I should probably …" Kaidan glanced at the cabin door.
"Thanks for the coasters." Shepard ran her fingers over the stack sitting on the desk.
Kaidan took steps backward and grinned. "Better use them, or they'll be hell to dust."
"I better start drinking four beers at once then."
Kaidan paused a few steps from the door with a chuckle. He opened his mouth then stopped as if considering what to say in response. Finally, he shrugged with a grin.
"I look forward to the late-night calls then."
Shepard pulled mouth to the side. "After slamming down four beers? I'll be button mashing. You saw me hailing a cab."
He gave her a gentle smile. "Am I under 'K' or 'A?'" He pushed the button for the door. "Put me under 'A.'"
Shepard returned a strained smile and her pulse quickened.
"Take care, Shepard."
The door opened, and he turned away.
"Kaidan. Wait."
She took four long strides and knocked into him, coiling her arms around his chest. The impact staggered him back. He steadied and wrapped his arms around her. It made her heart slow. She closed her eyes, face rising and falling against his chest, his heart beating in her ear. The comm buoy was a year out from being restored, at least. The mass relay would take years. Unless he relayed a message to her through the Council, this was the last they'd talk for a long time. Even longer to feel him this way again.
A hand smoothed her hair, and a weight settled on top of her head. Each breath from his chest stirred the strands above her forehead. It had been a long time since she'd been held like this by him. She thought she'd exaggerated how good it felt, but she hadn't. Her scalp bloomed in warmth as he turned his face turned into her hair, and his arms squeezed her in tighter. His aftershave and a soapy scent filled her lungs. He smelled as he always had. His heartbeat, his breathing, his smell, his arms tight and warm around her – it was the same. Her teeth bit into her bottom lip, and she jerked back.
"You all right?" he asked as she pulled away.
Shepard gave a firm nod keeping her eyes on the floor and turned away.
"Bye, Kaidan."
She went to the desk, keeping her back to him, and pinched her eyes shut as a tickle went down her cheek. The metal floor behind her creaked with Kaidan shifting his weight. Her eyes snapped open, and she fumbled at the desk for one of her datapads. She clutched it tightly, steadying her breath, and switched it on. Kaidan's feet turned slowly, the cabin door slid open again, and his footsteps echoed away. Shepard tilted her head to the side enough to catch the edge of the door close.
She dropped the datapad rattling on the desk and braced herself over it. She squeezed her eyes so tight they hurt and drew in a gasping breath. When the breath left her, it shuddered her whole body. She opened blurry eyes. The Laurel stared at her from the corner of her cloudy vision, and she pulled it to sit below her face. A droplet fell on the glass as her finger traced the wreath of leaves. She set her medal upright on the desk next to the Star of Terra and backed up. It lingered in her eyes, even as she wiped her face, and turned away. She needed to get out of this cabin.
XXX
The galaxy map glittered in the center of the Normandy's CIC. Shepard hunched over the railing focused more on her breathing than the stars in front of her. She should go somewhere, a club or a bar, meet Garrus and Tali. Maybe Wrex was free or Grunt. Cortez stayed up late. She'd take anyone. Shepard checked the time on her Omni-Tool. The bars were probably winding down.
She slid her hand along the railing and stepped down into the CIC. She shuffled to the gangway. A dark Vancouver horizon opened in front of her as she neared the cockpit. Light from HQ's docking gate drowned out the stars overhead. The moon hung low, edged in a golden glow, sinking below the building. Shepard's eyes strayed to the terminal's long bay of windows. Her heart caught in her throat. A distant figure, arms crossed, a shadow in the low night lighting, gazed out at the Normandy. Kaidan. He backed up and turned away. Shepard pressed closer to the edge of the cockpit's window. Her breath fogged her vision through the glass. She froze watching his outline fade into the dim hallway.
Shepard stumbled back and clenched the arm of the pilot's seat. She lowered herself onto it with a thud. Shakily, she combed fingers into her hair and bowed her head with a hitching breath. The Vancouver bars may be winding down, but one somewhere would be open. She didn't need to wake anyone up. She could go by herself.
"Captain?"
Shepard bolted straight in the seat and whipped her head around. Joker swayed on his crutches watching her from the gangway. Shepard blinked rapidly to clear the blurriness and pushed to her feet.
She steadied her voice. "Joker. What're you doing here?"
"I'm always here. What are you doing here? And in my chair."
Shepard glanced down at the pilot's seat and stepped away. Her boot clicked on something against the floor. She focused back at Joker.
"You keep sneaking on here, Joker, I'm letting the next hostage-taker keep you."
"Yeah, that all sucked." He readjusted his weight on the crutches. "Saw Kaidan out there."
"Yeah?" Shepard said.
Joker continued to the pilot's seat. Shepard moved to the side to avoid his crutch as he passed. She turned around.
"See you later, Jok—"
"Hey, Captain." Joker lowered himself into the chair. He leaned his crutches against the middle console. "You seen the new navigation holofield they put in up here?"
"No." Shepard gazed absently around the gangway.
Joker spun to the cockpit windows and punched up a screen. Shepard stood over his shoulder as he scrolled through a list of commands. In the reflection, he looked preoccupied. Shepard swiped her sleeve across her face and smoothed her breathing.
"Here." Joker punched a button.
A field of star systems and planets spun out in front of him. The Milkway glowed across the cockpit overlaying the real stars beyond the window. Shepard forced a shaky smile at his reflection.
"Rad, huh? Pretty sweet upgrade, right?"
"Yeah. Pretty sweet."
"Wish I'd had it back when EDI was here. She liked the CIC's galaxy map. Would have loved this."
"I could see that."
"You know," Joker twisted to see her, "I'd rather not have this upgrade or any of them. I'd rather just have EDI. Doesn't make up for it, even with all the fancy stuff to replace her."
Shepard frowned. "Of course. I'd rather have EDI too."
"Yeah." Joker turned back to the map. "I'd rather have her back in some form than have the ship, I guess."
Shepard scrunched her brow. "What?"
Joker swiveled around in his seat. "I love the Normandy. I mean, hands down. But, I guess, maybe I loved the Normandy so much 'cause she was the Normandy. What I really cared about was her. Now, she's gone, isn't coming back, I wish I'd lost the ship instead of her, ya know?"
"Never thought I'd hear you say something like that, Joker."
"Yeah, well …" Joker turned back to the star map. "Guess, I didn't think I'd ever say that either. Just had to lose what I really cared about to realize what it was."
Shepard's forehead pinched harder, and she shifted on her feet. Her boot crunched something on the floor again. Something metallic caught the light on the floor. She scooped the up and uncurled her hand. A chill jolted up her spine and breath drained out of her lungs. She stared at it.
"What's that?" Joker turned his chair. He raised himself up on his armrests to get a glimpse her trembling palm. "That come off a uniform?"
Shepard squeezed her fingers around the silver button. It had been lost the bowels of the ship. She had let it go over the grate. But here it was again, hers if she wanted it. A second chance. It dug into her palm.
"Captain, you look—"
"I need to go."
Shepard spun on her heels and rounded the doorway to the ship's airlock.
"Later, Captain."
Shepherd plunged down the loading ramp and burst into the terminal. She unfolded the button in her hand and stared at it for a long moment before shoving it away in her pocket. Heart pounding, she checked the time on her Omni-Tool. She knew what she needed to do. The Normandy caught the side of her vision, gleaming through the terminal's window. Shepard gripped the railing along the glass and fixed her eyes on the it. She needed to do something first though.
